I think I'm in denial. I have no idea how it can be Rosh Hashana again. What happened this year?? What happened to everything I davened for last Rosh Hashana? And maybe I'm being dramatic. B"H I have health, a good job, family, and so much more. But, thinking back on this year, it's been one of the hardest thus far. Not only has it had an intense hamster-wheel-Groundhog-Day feel, there have been steep ups and downs.
I was reflecting on how much my life has changed since last Rosh Hashana and the one before that and the year before that, etc. I went back and read some things I'd written. Honestly, if this is how I felt four years ago, this year it's just compounded. Last year's reflections on the Yom HaDin had a similar flavor.
(So many back-links, I know, but here's more on the Yaamim Noraim if you so desire.)
What set this year apart from all the previous ones as they blur together? Perhaps it's in all the people I met, all the lives I've touched, all the people who changed me. Maybe it's in how I've grown, what I've learned, what I let go, what I've recognized, what I've forgotten. And when I thought things were hard during previous struggles, I guess it's a good thing I didn't know that things could get harder.
I was recently going through old stuff and I found old cards that people had written me. Some were birthday or thank you cards from old friends I haven't talked to in years, some from grandparents that are no longer alive. Others were from random people whose cards I kept because they were particularly heartfelt. A trip down memory lane. It should have been pleasant, but it hurt. I think it was painful because I feel so stuck in my current stage of life.
I found a bunch of wedding invitations from close friends' weddings that I kept for who knows what reasons. I found a list of people I wrote that I wanted to invite to my wedding. I guess that was a young idealistic version of me who was doing some planning. Again, painful.
Life is dynamic, it doesn't stop for the hurt or weary. A whole year went by. I'm not the same person. Far from it. Can I say that I'm a better version of me? What did I gain this year? What did I lose? What do I want to daven for this Rosh Hashana? I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in this mindless loop just asking G-d to give me clarity, happiness, and for it to finally be the year in which I can celebrate my marriage to the person of my dreams. There's so much more to ask for, so much more to life. Perhaps this is tunnel vision, but I really feel like it colors all. No, I don't think marriage fixes everything, because I know it doesn't, but it does speak to this big gaping wound.
Perhaps I need to stop thinking about the nitty gritty and focus on what's important, the relationship. It's really all boils down to my relationship with Hashem. We don't ask for personal bakashos on Rosh Hashana, we focus on the avoda of being Mamlich Him Melech. If Hashem is my King, if He is truly my Father and my King then I have nothing to worry about (as long as I opt in*).
*A few years ago Mrs. Chanie Juravel, in a shuir about the Yaamim Noraim, told over how the Slonimer Rebbe speaks out how the being judged for maves or chaim on Rosh Hashanah is not something to be afraid of. We make the choice! Do you want life, or do you prefer out? After all, a rasha even in his lifetime is considered a meis.
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