The Difference Between Hurting Someone and Wronging Someone in A Shidduch Situation

We all get hurt sometimes; it's part of life. We can try hard not to hurt people and not to put ourselves in the position to get hurt, but in the realm of shidduchim, it's extremely difficult, if not impossible. You have to invest if you want to give something a chance to work, and at the same time, you can't continue dating someone if it will never work just because you feel bad to break up with him or her.

Relationships don't always last, and as per the way that the shidduch world works, we're focusing on marriage. So, you can get along great with someone, but if it wouldn't work marriage-wise, we don't just continue going out. When you break up with someone, or someone breaks up with you, yeah, usually that hurts.

The hurt comes from the loss, whether it's the relationship itself, the person, that you lost, or it's what that relationship represented. For example, one of the hardest things for me after a break up (of a scenario in which we were dating for an extended period of time and/or we got fairly close) is the being single again, the absence of a close confidant, deep meaningful relationship. You can't protect someone (or yourself) from this hurt. It's a natural normal part of this process.

Wronging someone is a different ballgame. You can't help hurting someone sometimes, but you can avoid wronging him/her. There is a mentchlach way to date and break up with someone. Blindsiding, taking someone for a ride, insulting, acting in ways that you would never act in the world outside of dating, all fall within the category of "wronging."

Honest and accurate feedback throughout the process is super important. You may not know how you feel about someone, but then be upfront about it. You may need to take a break to evaluate your thoughts, etc, and that's okay. If you get to a point where you feel like things are not going to work, talk about it. Give the other party a chance to weigh in. Let him/her know that you're having doubts. Communicating with each other is paramount for any relationship, and it can help you work things out if that's the way the situation is going. If things are truly over, be kind about it. If you dated this person this long, there was surely a reason, and remember that respect you had for him/her as you walk away.

It's always a good idea to ask forgiveness when you end things with someone, because you may not be aware of how the other person is receiving what you're saying. Additionally, once things are over, many things that you did over the time you were together are now colored in a different light. There may be something you did that doesn't seem so innocuous anymore.

If you've wronged someone perhaps they're still holding onto it, and maybe it would be in your best interest to reach out and offer a sincere apology.

Flavors of Waiting

Waiting... It's a funny thing. There's the hopeful, excited anticipation of those before childbirth: new parents waiting to hear the cry of their infant. There's the waiting of the commuter, irate, as he waits for the delayed train that will bring him late to work. The slightly anxious, but mostly loving, waiting of a mother as she looks down the street after her child's first day of school, waiting to welcome him home to a hug and warm snack. The apprehensive waiting of patient as he awaits the results of a crucial test that could mean life or death. The hopeful waiting, sometimes sad, sometimes mad, but mostly longingly, of a girl waiting to meet her intended and start a new life together.

Is it the incident itself that shapes the flavor of the waiting? Perhaps it's the meaning that we give to the scenario. What is it about waiting that's so inherently frightening? Is it because with every circumstance we don't know exactly when or what will be? It's the lack of control that's scary. Although we recognize that there's a Master Planner in control, it's hard to give up our illusion of control. We want what we think is good for us, and it's hard to reconcile when we can't have it or don't know when we will.

Perhaps we can celebrate the waiting and elevate into something greater, an event of its own.

On Pain and Loneliness

I feel this ache deep inside me. There is no cure, not when I cannot control the remedy. The insensitive comments that seem innocuous, even hopeful. Do you really not understand that I cannot be happy if I'm feeling incomplete. And yes, until I find that piece of me, the one that understands me, supports me, wants me, cares about me like I care about him, enjoys just talking and trading banter...no I cannot feel complete. This is how we were created. So then why, why, am I left on my own here? Where art thou?

Cause You Had A Bad Day

Waking up after a restless night taunted by meaningless cruel dreams to a dreary humid morning. Putting on a game face and greeting the day with a grim smile. Fighting a losing battle with crawling traffic and arriving late to work. Work hurtling at me as if I'm in a video game where my goal is to duck the incoming obstacles. Except, these obstacles cannot be ducked. They enter my office, my desk; they are my clients, my paperwork, all for me to fend off by dealing with them respectively. Fighting for air, finally surfacing hours later. Needing to catch up on things of more urgency. No time for lunch. Things more overwhelming on an empty stomach and exhausted mind. A jumble of thoughts parading through my head. A levee of emotions threatening to break any moment.

Time to regroup.

It takes the bad days to appreciate the good ones. We cannot have comfort if we feel no pain; no love, no desire, without the shadow side.

Reflections

The sun is shining and the birds are chirping. There’s still a chill in the air, but the warmer temperatures and bright atmosphere bring renewed hope. Spring is on its way. The sun will shine again.

Nothing is permanent: not happiness, not pain. This status quo will change too. You just have to live in the moment and find a way to make the most of every minute and experience you have.

The trees sway to the light breeze outside my window; the traffic sounds fade into the background. The world continues around me as I contemplate my place in it. I may not know G-d’s plan for me, but I can do the most that I can with what I have right now.

The pain and disappointments in my life serve as a springboard for me to keep pushing forward. I accept them with slight animosity, but what can I do? I’m human; humans prefer comfort.

My thoughts scatter on the page like paint thrown at a canvas. So much to ponder as I sit here contemplating what’s up next for me in my life.

I want to make a difference in the world. Mostly I wish to “unpause" this hopeless loop of Life. I desire to know what I can do differently to find The One who will make me complete so I can finally stop letting it distract me and stop obsessing over it. I want to continue with my life goals without having the distraction of this bottomless hole I need to fill…

Tomorrow is another day, another day of hope and of dreams. I hope that someday soon my tomorrow will be an answer for today.

Hurting

Pain
Relentless
Dull aching throb
Seemingly incurable

To be a nurturer
With no one to nurture
No one of significance to care

Stabbed repeatedly
By a wicked angry dagger
All life force seeps out of me
Feeling so worthless and scorned

But a shell of fragile ego
So very vulnerable and ignored
Here I am begging for a reprieve

Monopoly on Pain

He looked me in the face, feeling all proud of himself and said, “I feel like I have a monopoly on pain. Unless you went through what I went through you have no idea what real pain is.”

I just looked at him, meeting his intense gaze, and I made some textbook comment like, “Wow, I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for you,” not wanting to invalidate all that he’d been through. But, seriously, how ignorant can one be?

Each person experiences pain differently. What might hurt you might not hurt me. What hurts me, may not affect you in the same way. You might not think something I struggle with is a big deal, but it can pain me the same amount something more significant, in your eyes, hurts you. I may never have gone through what he went through, what seemed like unnatural, idiopathic suffering, I may not have been able to battle through what he had to, but I’ve had my own challenges, I’ve experienced my own pain, in a very real way.

Everyone has something. No one’s life is a walk in the park. We all just have different capabilities, different capacities, to deal with challenges. Some people successfully live with their hardships though it knocks them in the face every single day. Others have learned to compartmentalize, able to push it deep inside the recesses of their minds, only accessing it when there’s a lesson to draw out. Some crumple and fall apart in the face of challenge, others man up and face it head-on, becoming only stronger for it.

How often though do we use pain as an excuse? Is that ever valid? Sure, it may be a reason, but that’s a whole different animal than an excuse.

Commenting that one has a “monopoly” on pain? That just seems arrogant almost. What kind of trump card is that? Okay, yes, empathy is given for free but respect needs to be earned. I can empathize with him, it hurt, he was in pain. Scratch that, he’s clearly still hurting, he’s in pain even now, but to discount everyone else’s hardships? I’m sorry, I can’t respect that.