"Well, yeah, I pay them to sell me."
Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?
Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...
Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.
Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.
I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...
Showing posts with label System Flaws. Show all posts
Showing posts with label System Flaws. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Thursday, December 28, 2017
It's Not About Why Not
"He's a normal guy I think. He said yes to you? You should just go out."
"Just try it. What are you scared of?"
It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.
No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.
Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.
It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.
"Just try it. What are you scared of?"
It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.
No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.
Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.
It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
When It Rains It Pours
Someone once shared their wit about the shidduch system. "The girls are all lost in a desert, the guys in a forest." I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I mean, I get it. Girls tend to wait around for someone to express interest in going out with them. (Tumbleweed meme, anyone?) Guys generally are bombarded with names. Is either side easier than the other?
Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)
Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.
This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.
When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.
I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)
Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.
Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)
Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.
This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.
When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.
I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)
Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Single and Ready to Flamingle: The Pitfalls of Singles' Events
While I addressed the general drawbacks here re singles' events, I feel the need to revisit the topic and add a few more hazards to be aware of.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind
What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Game On
All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Marrying Your Best Friend
I used to think that I wanted my spouse to first be my best friend. Building on a solid friendship seemed like a good plan towards eventually building a deeper, closer, more intimate, trusting, romantic connection with someone. While it's still true, I want my spouse to be my best friend, I don't know if I want him to first be my best friend. Perhaps friendship and romantic relationship come at the same time.
Getting to know someone as a friend first somewhat lessens the pressure of him/her having to "prove" himself/herself in a relationship, and both parties can be more authentic. Going on informal dates and enjoying each others' company, learning about each other organically, getting more comfortable with someone naturally rather than forcing the issue, and not feeling like you're on mission to find out the inner workings of someone's brain perhaps could be helpful.
Many moons ago, I dated someone, broke up with him, and because he wasn't really ready to let it rest, we ended up picking things back up a little while later. At first we were dating more informally, and I learned so much more about him during that time period. He shared things with me that he probably never would have had we been formally working towards marriage. I also didn't feel like those things mattered as much, because I wasn't making a judgement about his marriage potential after every time we went out or talked.
The way the shidduch system works though, for the most part, is that our dating is very focused. Each date means something. The date number itself is a benchmark. We're working towards marriage, so everything gets carefully weighed and assessed. There's less room for relationships, connecting with someone, taking things slow. The emotional consequences are also greater when said relationship doesn't work out. The stakes are higher.
This is perhaps why building this relationship while building a friendship is ideal. We don't really have room to build (or have) intergender relationships within most frum circles. If we're cultivating a relationship with someone of the opposite gender it works best if it's for marriage purposes. Focused dating makes sense. Our system has so many flaws, but we have yet to come up with a better way to do this.
Marry your best friend, but because s/he is your best friend and your sweetheart.
Getting to know someone as a friend first somewhat lessens the pressure of him/her having to "prove" himself/herself in a relationship, and both parties can be more authentic. Going on informal dates and enjoying each others' company, learning about each other organically, getting more comfortable with someone naturally rather than forcing the issue, and not feeling like you're on mission to find out the inner workings of someone's brain perhaps could be helpful.
Many moons ago, I dated someone, broke up with him, and because he wasn't really ready to let it rest, we ended up picking things back up a little while later. At first we were dating more informally, and I learned so much more about him during that time period. He shared things with me that he probably never would have had we been formally working towards marriage. I also didn't feel like those things mattered as much, because I wasn't making a judgement about his marriage potential after every time we went out or talked.
The way the shidduch system works though, for the most part, is that our dating is very focused. Each date means something. The date number itself is a benchmark. We're working towards marriage, so everything gets carefully weighed and assessed. There's less room for relationships, connecting with someone, taking things slow. The emotional consequences are also greater when said relationship doesn't work out. The stakes are higher.
This is perhaps why building this relationship while building a friendship is ideal. We don't really have room to build (or have) intergender relationships within most frum circles. If we're cultivating a relationship with someone of the opposite gender it works best if it's for marriage purposes. Focused dating makes sense. Our system has so many flaws, but we have yet to come up with a better way to do this.
Marry your best friend, but because s/he is your best friend and your sweetheart.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Making Things Better
In a recent article, and talk, Rabbi Moshe Hauer nailed it. He spoke about how it's the community's responsibility to make things better for our singles.
He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.
You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.
While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.
He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.
You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.
While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Dignity for Singles
Someone sent me the link to Chananya Weissman's post on The Times of Israel titled "Dignity for Singles." I'll let you read it yourself instead of rewriting it.
I think he pointed out many important ideas, and I related to a lot of them. Perhaps his article is similar to the article we wrote, which has yet to be published, outlining various perspectives from singles regarding the so called "shidduch crisis" and how people can help instead of hurt. However, I think that something that was missing from Weissman's post was the positive side to all this. I really feel like it would behoove us to remember that despite the frequent unkindness and insensitivity that we are subjected to as singles, there is so much chesed that goes on trying to help all those that are searching for their soulmates.
It never helps to stereotype and stigmatize on either end.
I think he pointed out many important ideas, and I related to a lot of them. Perhaps his article is similar to the article we wrote, which has yet to be published, outlining various perspectives from singles regarding the so called "shidduch crisis" and how people can help instead of hurt. However, I think that something that was missing from Weissman's post was the positive side to all this. I really feel like it would behoove us to remember that despite the frequent unkindness and insensitivity that we are subjected to as singles, there is so much chesed that goes on trying to help all those that are searching for their soulmates.
It never helps to stereotype and stigmatize on either end.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Is It Easier To Be A "Good Girl" Than A "Good Guy"?
She wants a guy who davens with a minyan three times a day and is learning; she doesn't daven at all. She wants a guy who won't listen to secular music or watch movies, but she does, all the time. She says "it's different." Is it?
Is this a double standard? Does this make sense? Is there more expected of guys? Does it mean something different when a guy watches movies, listens to secular music, etc. than when a girl does? Is her neshama less corruptible? Her mind is impressionable too; her spirituality is affected as well. Guys' minds are different, for sure. Yes, it means something different for him to skip davening than for her too. I just wonder if she's deluding herself that this makes sense.
Long ago and far away my seminary teacher talked about how girls think they want one thing in a husband, but then when it comes down to it they don't really. She was warning against marrying a guy who wants to learn for a long time if that's not something that a girl could realistically support. She shared stories of girls who "forced" their husbands out of kollel, because they needed someone to bankroll their spending habits.
This works in the sense of presenting oneself one way but really being another. Will she be the one that introduces her husband to TV shows or pop concerts or whatever? Will she ask him to leave kollel to go to work, because she wants to live an expensive lifestyle?
The other side of this is what does it really take to be a "good girl"? Maybe she's tzanua (in act and dress), does chessed...what other expectations are there of her? Most people wouldn't ask of a girl to daven every day by sof zman tefillah, for example. He's expected, though, to be at minyan rain or shine and learn every day, ask his rebbi all his sheilos, and maintain gainful employment. What does she need to be to deserve this?
Is this a double standard? Does this make sense? Is there more expected of guys? Does it mean something different when a guy watches movies, listens to secular music, etc. than when a girl does? Is her neshama less corruptible? Her mind is impressionable too; her spirituality is affected as well. Guys' minds are different, for sure. Yes, it means something different for him to skip davening than for her too. I just wonder if she's deluding herself that this makes sense.
Long ago and far away my seminary teacher talked about how girls think they want one thing in a husband, but then when it comes down to it they don't really. She was warning against marrying a guy who wants to learn for a long time if that's not something that a girl could realistically support. She shared stories of girls who "forced" their husbands out of kollel, because they needed someone to bankroll their spending habits.
This works in the sense of presenting oneself one way but really being another. Will she be the one that introduces her husband to TV shows or pop concerts or whatever? Will she ask him to leave kollel to go to work, because she wants to live an expensive lifestyle?
The other side of this is what does it really take to be a "good girl"? Maybe she's tzanua (in act and dress), does chessed...what other expectations are there of her? Most people wouldn't ask of a girl to daven every day by sof zman tefillah, for example. He's expected, though, to be at minyan rain or shine and learn every day, ask his rebbi all his sheilos, and maintain gainful employment. What does she need to be to deserve this?
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Is It Okay To Lie About Age?
How much does age really matter?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
Friday, August 4, 2017
Flying Without Wings –– Guest Post
Written by a friend, this brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. (All views and opinions belong strictly to the author.)
Why the heck is everyone trying to reach the NO!?
Look, I was once in shidduchim, and it was super frustrating and annoying. Especially when I was set up with guys who were so, um, NO! But for me, I felt that my effort was to seriously consider every potential guy with an ayin tova, a good eye. Instead of rifling through dirty laundry to find the NO!, I sought to discover the YES! Every person has good qualities and potential, and I wanted to find that. Every marriage requires flexibility and adaptability, so I worked to strengthen my versatility. NO! was not part of my overall vocabulary during this era in my life. There were only two young men who I turned away without meeting- one could only be described as a "well-hearted man" who "was just average" (nothing better to say?!), and the other had been raised in a certain environment that was antithetical to my values (ambiguous intentionally, as it was a red flag for me, but not necessarily for others. I also knew his family well, so it was not a blind, curtain dropping NO!) I felt that I should first get to know the guy, see the good for myself, before facing the negative facts.
My perspective: If Hashem has directed me to this young man, there must be a reason, something for me to gain from. Of course, at most times, I did not have a barrage of young men at my door. It is sometimes necessary to create a soft, nicely padded "No," for those times when options necessitate selection.
But when I try to set people up, I am met with resounding NO!s. First come the questions (how should I know how she'd react if she had a flat tire- never happened! Um, of course he'll wake up to feed the theoretical triplets when his wife is sleep deprived. Yes, naturally, she would drive to San Mateo, CA, to conduct a kiruv seminar with her husband if he was to become a world-renowned kiruv rav.) I have been shocked, but of the last 5 dates I have tried to arrange, 3 of them were NOs! because of a 3 or 4 hour driving distance.
Ah, the NO!s
No,
Too modern.
Too bald.
Too boring.
Too loud-tie wearing.
Too shiny teeth.
Too far a drive.
Too close to home.
Too typical.
Too exotic.
Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.
Too modern.
Too bald.
Too boring.
Too loud-tie wearing.
Too shiny teeth.
Too far a drive.
Too close to home.
Too typical.
Too exotic.
Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.
This is not directed to a specific person, but just some food for thought.
WHAT IF... your intended kallah was only 4'9" and you said no because you envisioned yourself with a tall blonde?
WHAT IF your intended beshert had a prosthetic leg and you always envisioned yourself with a two-legged man?
WHAT IF your intended beshert lived outside your 30 miles of comfort and you always envisioned marrying the girl next door?
WHAT IF the reason you are in shidduchim for this period of time is to extend yourself? To find yourself beyond the parochial confines of your imagination? What if the reason you are still lonely is because you said no to your intended beshert without ever meeting him?
When I was still dating, I would debate with my friends. Why do you ask about medical issues before meeting the person? Why do you talk about emuna, faith, but try to create your own recipe for a "happy marriage" by ruling out those with certain illnesses? G-d gives life, G-d takes away life, G-d forbid. He grants health, and just as easily, he can G-d forbid take it. In a society that is very focused on emuna when it comes to income, we seem to selectively abandon our emuna in dating. Hashem can easily bring upon post partum depression to that woman who had no TRACE of it beforehand...Hashem can instantly turn a healthy person into a type I diabetic -even adult onset! Hashem can, within the blink of an eye, distort our reality. And at the same time, those who have faced serious adversity (both in the form of health issues, dysfunctional backgrounds, etc.) can be the strongest, most amazing spouses and parents out there because they have worked their entire lives to OVERCOME.
I work in a health care environment of chronic diseases, and I am always amazed by the beautiful marriages some patients have built. "Wait, you married her knowing she would need this surgery some time in the near future?" "Hang on - you CHOSE to marry him, of all eligible men, despite this debilitating disease he has for life?" Yes. Not because they were desperate, not because they were angels. But because they CHOSE to see the YES, to see the good. They overlooked the NOs, they did not seek out the NOs before getting to know the soul, the good, the strength.
Everyone should merit to marry emotionally and physically healthy spouses- of course. But the path to marriage is not straightforward for most - we have to work, struggle, grow. What better way to start off the process than looking for the positive, for the YES!
As fate would have it, I had to attest to my convictions that I had so professed to my friends regarding health issues. If I had looked for the NO!, I would never have married my husband. He had a blaring handicap that was such a NO! without even meeting him. The NO! literally opposed an item on my list of top 5 qualities because my list did not leave room for revision, for interference. It's words had strict definition. But I was intrigued. And I was determined to focus on the positive. So I said yes. Throughout our dating, I got to see the immense good that the NO! almost clouded. Intensely sensitive to others. Super-humanly hard working. Everything he had, he had to work triple hard to obtain because of his disability. And by the end of our courtship - at the start of our marriage- I said to him, "If not for your disability, I would never have married you." Not a pity marriage- never marry for pity. I saw that his weakness - his disability- proved to be the source of all his strength. I realized that my vocabulary of my list was limited. I thought that certain traits were defined a specific way, but he taught me that you CAN fly without wings. You CAN see without eyes. If not for his disability, he would not have embarked on the journey to push himself to his potential. And that is an awesome, inspiring reality.
So please- next time you want to say NO!, reconsider. It may very well be that the NO! could be blinding you from the most amazing future. Live a little, surprise yourself, and see where the "yes" takes you.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Who's On Deck?
Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in this ocean of names. I've recently been bombarded with potentials –– not necessarily "yeses" –– just names. I mean, one or two "yeses" at a time, sure, just not the type necessarily that I feel compelled to go out with.
I'm at this point that I cannot go out with every "yes" that comes my way, especially if there's nothing on point about the profile of the guy. Currently I said "no" to one guy and am dragging my feet with another. I know that I need to do what feels right to me, but I sometimes wonder what the proper hishtadlus is here. (*Definitely different for everyone in different stages of life and shidduchim)
I know I don't need to go out with every Joe that expresses interest, but I would never "say no" to someone for a stupid reason. I do believe there is a concept of missing one's bashert, but that doesn't mean that I have to date the guy that I feel I have nothing in common with and doesn't match what I'm looking for at all just because he likes my picture.
Often I feel like people look for the "no;" they don't want to put forth the effort to meet someone, so they pick on something that paturs them from having to meet a girl/guy. Recently my friend was trying to redt me to a guy and he was interested up until the part where he found out we live in different cities. I get that traveling might not be convenient for him and I don't fault him for "saying no" in the least bit. I just wonder if he (or really anyone in that position) isn't shirking their hishtadlus...especially since we could figure out a way to meet and see if it's anything –– when we happen to be in the same place (no travel necessary for him).
No taanos against him or anyone who "says no" for any reason, really, because it means that I'm not supposed to date them. He (or whoever) is saving me time and energy. I always think that someone who I feel like I would probably get along with who isn't interested to meet me, that it's for the best, because perhaps we would hit it off but it wouldn't work in the long run, so I'm better off never having met him. G-d is saving me from unnecessary heartache. (Or it'd be a one-and-done and who needs those...)
I also heard somewhere that not only does the Bas Kol (that announces "Bas Ploni l'Ploni" 40 days before someone is conceived) announce the person's zivug, but all the names of the people that that person is supposed to date before s/he finds his/her bashert. This person who "said no" is simply not on my list...
Having a name "on deck" really doesn't make me feel any better than not having a name at all. I wish that people wouldn't tell me when they had an idea for me, because more times than not the guy will never even hear my name for whatever reason. A name doesn't mean anything until the person comes back with "a yes" and is standing in the batter's box ready to play the game.
Names on deck or not, it doesn't make my "One" any closer. It's all about the buses.
I'm at this point that I cannot go out with every "yes" that comes my way, especially if there's nothing on point about the profile of the guy. Currently I said "no" to one guy and am dragging my feet with another. I know that I need to do what feels right to me, but I sometimes wonder what the proper hishtadlus is here. (*Definitely different for everyone in different stages of life and shidduchim)
I know I don't need to go out with every Joe that expresses interest, but I would never "say no" to someone for a stupid reason. I do believe there is a concept of missing one's bashert, but that doesn't mean that I have to date the guy that I feel I have nothing in common with and doesn't match what I'm looking for at all just because he likes my picture.
Often I feel like people look for the "no;" they don't want to put forth the effort to meet someone, so they pick on something that paturs them from having to meet a girl/guy. Recently my friend was trying to redt me to a guy and he was interested up until the part where he found out we live in different cities. I get that traveling might not be convenient for him and I don't fault him for "saying no" in the least bit. I just wonder if he (or really anyone in that position) isn't shirking their hishtadlus...especially since we could figure out a way to meet and see if it's anything –– when we happen to be in the same place (no travel necessary for him).
No taanos against him or anyone who "says no" for any reason, really, because it means that I'm not supposed to date them. He (or whoever) is saving me time and energy. I always think that someone who I feel like I would probably get along with who isn't interested to meet me, that it's for the best, because perhaps we would hit it off but it wouldn't work in the long run, so I'm better off never having met him. G-d is saving me from unnecessary heartache. (Or it'd be a one-and-done and who needs those...)
I also heard somewhere that not only does the Bas Kol (that announces "Bas Ploni l'Ploni" 40 days before someone is conceived) announce the person's zivug, but all the names of the people that that person is supposed to date before s/he finds his/her bashert. This person who "said no" is simply not on my list...
Having a name "on deck" really doesn't make me feel any better than not having a name at all. I wish that people wouldn't tell me when they had an idea for me, because more times than not the guy will never even hear my name for whatever reason. A name doesn't mean anything until the person comes back with "a yes" and is standing in the batter's box ready to play the game.
Names on deck or not, it doesn't make my "One" any closer. It's all about the buses.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Perfect Imperfections
So much more than a pretty face...
When we chase externalities, whether it be good looks, money, yichus, job title, etc., we're ignoring something(s) so crucial. Sure, all those details are somewhat important, but what about resilience, integrity, emotional intelligence/honesty, connection to G-d, flexibility, depth...who someone is at his/her core...someone's life skills? Is it really about the labels s/he wears?
So often when looking into a shidduch prospective we ask questions looking for dirt. We want to find out "what's wrong" with someone. We label and categorize, measuring people against our yardstick of perfection. Okay, yes, we need to protect ourselves; we want to know what someone is made of, if there are any red flags...but are we going about this in all the wrong ways?
I've posted about baggage and shidduchim, the need to dispel stigma, and the stigma of mental health issues and shidduchim, but maybe what it all comes down to is the fact that we're all the same at our core. It's not about how "damaged" someone is or how much "baggage" s/he has. Some people understand challenge and some do not. Some of us are self-aware and some of us are not.
We so often hide behind stereotypes and think that painting things with a broad brush will protect us. Does it, or might you miss out on something beautiful because you won't take the time to recognize there are more layers there than you see at first glance?
There is so much ignorance that fuels stigma, for sure. Certain buzzwords instill instant fear. (Read about this in the linked posts above.) We really need to think about, not if I'm willing to "accept" someone's baggage, but if the playing field is even. How might two individuals compliment each other? How might he take care of her (and her needs associated with any baggage) and she take care of him in other ways?
I know that I'm attracted to realness and authenticity. Perhaps most of the time that only comes with pain. I've, across the board, found that people that can be the most genuine and vulnerable are people who have struggled with one thing or another (or multiple things) in life. There's beauty in rawness and honesty. Yet, so often the people that are the most unguarded and real are the people that get hurt the most on this shidduch battlefield. Ironically, these are the people that have been kicked by life and and taught the need/how to cope with adversity. There is so much worth in that –– having to learn about life and how to manage struggles.
People often feel like they have to hide that part of themselves that is imperfect, as if it is shameful and ugly. We, as a society, have taught them that. So what if s/he is good-looking, sweet, smart, responsible, out-going, whatever, if s/he has "baggage" his/her shidduch value goes down?
When will we recognize as a society what is real and what is valuable? I guarantee you, at the end of the day the Lexus he drives or the yichus she has won't bring your marriage peace and happiness.
When we chase externalities, whether it be good looks, money, yichus, job title, etc., we're ignoring something(s) so crucial. Sure, all those details are somewhat important, but what about resilience, integrity, emotional intelligence/honesty, connection to G-d, flexibility, depth...who someone is at his/her core...someone's life skills? Is it really about the labels s/he wears?
So often when looking into a shidduch prospective we ask questions looking for dirt. We want to find out "what's wrong" with someone. We label and categorize, measuring people against our yardstick of perfection. Okay, yes, we need to protect ourselves; we want to know what someone is made of, if there are any red flags...but are we going about this in all the wrong ways?
I've posted about baggage and shidduchim, the need to dispel stigma, and the stigma of mental health issues and shidduchim, but maybe what it all comes down to is the fact that we're all the same at our core. It's not about how "damaged" someone is or how much "baggage" s/he has. Some people understand challenge and some do not. Some of us are self-aware and some of us are not.
We so often hide behind stereotypes and think that painting things with a broad brush will protect us. Does it, or might you miss out on something beautiful because you won't take the time to recognize there are more layers there than you see at first glance?
There is so much ignorance that fuels stigma, for sure. Certain buzzwords instill instant fear. (Read about this in the linked posts above.) We really need to think about, not if I'm willing to "accept" someone's baggage, but if the playing field is even. How might two individuals compliment each other? How might he take care of her (and her needs associated with any baggage) and she take care of him in other ways?
I know that I'm attracted to realness and authenticity. Perhaps most of the time that only comes with pain. I've, across the board, found that people that can be the most genuine and vulnerable are people who have struggled with one thing or another (or multiple things) in life. There's beauty in rawness and honesty. Yet, so often the people that are the most unguarded and real are the people that get hurt the most on this shidduch battlefield. Ironically, these are the people that have been kicked by life and and taught the need/how to cope with adversity. There is so much worth in that –– having to learn about life and how to manage struggles.
People often feel like they have to hide that part of themselves that is imperfect, as if it is shameful and ugly. We, as a society, have taught them that. So what if s/he is good-looking, sweet, smart, responsible, out-going, whatever, if s/he has "baggage" his/her shidduch value goes down?
When will we recognize as a society what is real and what is valuable? I guarantee you, at the end of the day the Lexus he drives or the yichus she has won't bring your marriage peace and happiness.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Single Come, Single Go: Singles Events and Speed-Dating
"The reason I wouldn't have 'said yes' to date him is the reason it ultimately didn't work out," a friend related to me, describing her experience in dating a guy she first met at a speed-dating event.
Conversely, "The only people I've ever dated more than one or two dates were people I met organically, like at a singles' event," another friend disclosed.
How helpful are these type of events? Is this useful hishtadlus, or is it a waste of time?
I personally like meeting new people, so even if events such as these aren't all that helpful, they can be fun, if not, ultimately, frustrating. Yet, they may be anxiety-producing for others, and so I understand why such people would likely steer clear of them if these events have little to no success rate. (If that's the case...I actually don't know.)
There is an art to organizing a productive singles event. Just putting a bunch of guys and girls in a room or even something semi more organized than that, isn't likely to work very well. I believe if there is decent vetting going on, like let's say at least 10 out of 15 guys there would have been otherwise suggested for me, it could actually work. At the very least I can spend 3 hours, versus 30, to decide if these guys are even ballpark at all. Basically, there needs to be handpicked participants who are similar in many ways.
However, this still may be a fail, because the small amount of time one gets to spend talking to someone at such an event is little more than a embellished photo or video clip of the person. Is it enough time to really give someone a decent shot? I know that some of the guys I've dated longest I probably wouldn't have dated had I met them first for only five minutes. On the other hand, I didn't end up marrying them.
Such events are great for networking and meeting a lot of people at once, yet are we going off of anything more than looks (or better case chein/charisma)? Is it mostly about who makes good first impressions?
Our shidduch system has a lot of flaws, and a big one lies in the fact that singles generally rely on others (shadchanim, friends, whoever) to set them up. Singles events can help remedy this, but in more cases than not when someone sets a couple up, hopefully, there are perceived underlying commonalities and/or reasons. This is missing when people meet at an event like this. Attraction, chemistry, and all that good stuff is left out though in the former situation, because there isn't a way for a third party to know how that might work between the two parties. Meeting organically though starts at the place of attraction or at least superficial interest or "click."
I recently met a guy at a singles' event that strategically I shouldn't have been at; I doubt anybody would have suggested the idea within the shidduch realm. We hit it off right away though, and it'd been awhile since I'd connected like that, or felt comfortable, with someone that quickly (or maybe ever –– the comfortable that quickly part). Long story short, connection and comfort isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, especially when it's about marriage potential. Someone can be an awesome person, and the chemistry can be great, but it doesn't mean it makes sense marriage-wise.
Shidduch "investigations" on either side would have prevented us from dating probably had the idea come about a different way. Obviously we were meant to meet each other and I have no regrets (in fact I gained a lot from the experience), but this is a good example of why third-party suggesting makes sense.
How successful are singles events really?
Conversely, "The only people I've ever dated more than one or two dates were people I met organically, like at a singles' event," another friend disclosed.
How helpful are these type of events? Is this useful hishtadlus, or is it a waste of time?
I personally like meeting new people, so even if events such as these aren't all that helpful, they can be fun, if not, ultimately, frustrating. Yet, they may be anxiety-producing for others, and so I understand why such people would likely steer clear of them if these events have little to no success rate. (If that's the case...I actually don't know.)
There is an art to organizing a productive singles event. Just putting a bunch of guys and girls in a room or even something semi more organized than that, isn't likely to work very well. I believe if there is decent vetting going on, like let's say at least 10 out of 15 guys there would have been otherwise suggested for me, it could actually work. At the very least I can spend 3 hours, versus 30, to decide if these guys are even ballpark at all. Basically, there needs to be handpicked participants who are similar in many ways.
However, this still may be a fail, because the small amount of time one gets to spend talking to someone at such an event is little more than a embellished photo or video clip of the person. Is it enough time to really give someone a decent shot? I know that some of the guys I've dated longest I probably wouldn't have dated had I met them first for only five minutes. On the other hand, I didn't end up marrying them.
Such events are great for networking and meeting a lot of people at once, yet are we going off of anything more than looks (or better case chein/charisma)? Is it mostly about who makes good first impressions?
Our shidduch system has a lot of flaws, and a big one lies in the fact that singles generally rely on others (shadchanim, friends, whoever) to set them up. Singles events can help remedy this, but in more cases than not when someone sets a couple up, hopefully, there are perceived underlying commonalities and/or reasons. This is missing when people meet at an event like this. Attraction, chemistry, and all that good stuff is left out though in the former situation, because there isn't a way for a third party to know how that might work between the two parties. Meeting organically though starts at the place of attraction or at least superficial interest or "click."
I recently met a guy at a singles' event that strategically I shouldn't have been at; I doubt anybody would have suggested the idea within the shidduch realm. We hit it off right away though, and it'd been awhile since I'd connected like that, or felt comfortable, with someone that quickly (or maybe ever –– the comfortable that quickly part). Long story short, connection and comfort isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, especially when it's about marriage potential. Someone can be an awesome person, and the chemistry can be great, but it doesn't mean it makes sense marriage-wise.
Shidduch "investigations" on either side would have prevented us from dating probably had the idea come about a different way. Obviously we were meant to meet each other and I have no regrets (in fact I gained a lot from the experience), but this is a good example of why third-party suggesting makes sense.
How successful are singles events really?
Thursday, July 6, 2017
On Connection and Rejection
If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...
My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.
Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.
I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.
When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...
In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.
Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.
My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.
Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.
I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.
When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...
In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.
Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
To Be A Shadchan
Last week's Hamodia Weekly Magazine featured an article written by a girl in shidduchim.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis
Someone sent this to me, and I had to repost it. Go ahead and click on the link; take a few minutes to read Rochel Spangenthal's "Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis." It won't disappoint.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
How Much Does Age Matter?
Recently, I met a guy for a shidduch "coffee date." At some point in the conversation I made reference to my age. If I recall accurately, he was lamenting his career choice (or lack thereof) and the fact that he's too old to go back to school. I think I said to him that he's still young and that he has his whole life ahead of him to think about. He insisted that he felt like he missed the boat.
"Really," I said, "I'm you're age, and I think I'm young."
He balked at that.
"What?! The shadchan told me a different age."
Amused and perplexed, I said, "Really? How old did she say I was?"
He said he thought I was a year younger than him, and he did not believe me.
"When's your birthday," he demanded.
My birthday had nothing to do with it. I was literally this close to asking him if it was a problem and maybe he just wanted to take me home.
Legit, how much did those handful of months matter to him? How much does age matter in general? Yes, it matters when it contributes to an age gap, and it seems to matter less when a girl is 5 years younger than a guy, but what happens when the girl is older than the guy?
It is becoming more and more common for guys to date girls that are older than they are. Apparently it makes sense because females tend to live longer. However, in general, guys mature later than girls, so is that gap even greater when the guy is younger than the girl?
When people ask me if I would date a guy younger than me, I don't hesitate to say yes. I know that a lot of girls see it as a negative, but I honestly think that in many cases, the younger and less seasoned a guy is, the more optimistic and less cynical he is. Experience counts for something, but that gap can easily be bridged if everything else works.
Anyway, age is just a number. Sometimes the number means the person physically shows sign of his/her age, but in so many scenarios, you would never know how old s/he was unless s/he told you. So, what does it really count for?
"Really," I said, "I'm you're age, and I think I'm young."
He balked at that.
"What?! The shadchan told me a different age."
Amused and perplexed, I said, "Really? How old did she say I was?"
He said he thought I was a year younger than him, and he did not believe me.
"When's your birthday," he demanded.
My birthday had nothing to do with it. I was literally this close to asking him if it was a problem and maybe he just wanted to take me home.
Legit, how much did those handful of months matter to him? How much does age matter in general? Yes, it matters when it contributes to an age gap, and it seems to matter less when a girl is 5 years younger than a guy, but what happens when the girl is older than the guy?
It is becoming more and more common for guys to date girls that are older than they are. Apparently it makes sense because females tend to live longer. However, in general, guys mature later than girls, so is that gap even greater when the guy is younger than the girl?
When people ask me if I would date a guy younger than me, I don't hesitate to say yes. I know that a lot of girls see it as a negative, but I honestly think that in many cases, the younger and less seasoned a guy is, the more optimistic and less cynical he is. Experience counts for something, but that gap can easily be bridged if everything else works.
Anyway, age is just a number. Sometimes the number means the person physically shows sign of his/her age, but in so many scenarios, you would never know how old s/he was unless s/he told you. So, what does it really count for?
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Is My Age A Strike Against Me?
I was having a nice little tête-à-tête with The Guy of the Tekufa's rebbe. I'd been dating this fellow for awhile and there were various things holding me back from moving forward with him. In a stab at gaining some clarity, I agreed, at his urging, to go speak with his rebbe. At one point during this meeting, I said something to the effect of, "If all this is bothering me, and specifically x, y, z, why should we continue?" He looked at me and said, "Because you're 22?"
First of all, when did 22 become "old," but more importantly, what does my age have anything to with signing up for a bad marriage? Do we "devalue" with age? I know that for me, the profile of a guy within the ±3 year range of my own age "gets more points," but then isn't age subjective? I guess perhaps the older you are, the less unmarried people there are in your age range, so it's more difficult for you to get a date or whatever. As if that's what this is all about. (Might I remind everyone that it only takes one.) Maybe he meant that as we get older we have less options and get more desperate, but is that a reason why I would marry the wrong guy? Honestly, if I just wanted to get married, I could have done that long ago. My goal is to stay married and have loving, trusting, healthy, communicative relationship with my spouse.
Fast forward a few years from the aforementioned incident, and I find myself in a situation in which I had a bit of a misunderstanding with a young man. If I'm remembering correctly, he had "said yes" but said given that we were not in the same city, we were going to wait until we were to go out. I thought I had until then (it was a specific time) to decide whether I wanted to date him or not. After all, neither of us were waiting for the other, but if we both happened to be available at the time we were in the same city, we would meet. Either way, he understood it a bit differently and felt like I had made him wait all that time for an answer (even though he was dating other people in the meantime). Thus, when we were in the same city and I expressed interest in dating him, he was a bit sour about the whole thing. He told me that he ended up asking his rosh yeshiva if he had to go out with me, as he already had given a yes, but he felt like I had made him wait, and such he was no longer interested. (Pink flag right there by the way –– sign of his ego.) As he relays the story, the rosh told him to find out if I really wanted to date him, or I just felt like I had to because of my advanced age. (I was 25.)
Again, I cannot logically understand why age has anything to do with either scenario. All I can come back to is the desperation theory. The older you get the more you want to date/marry whomever? For me, the older I get, the less I am willing to just date/marry whomever. I find that I am more selective, not less. With dating I would blame it on the fact that I'm now seasoned at this and can pick up on little details (which experience has taught me) that point to someone not being for me. In terms of marriage, the older I am, the less I want to compromise on things that matter for a healthy relationship, because if I've waited this long, would I really throw it away now for a marriage I would be unhappy in?
Really, age is just a number. Think about this, how old would you be if no one knew how old you were?
First of all, when did 22 become "old," but more importantly, what does my age have anything to with signing up for a bad marriage? Do we "devalue" with age? I know that for me, the profile of a guy within the ±3 year range of my own age "gets more points," but then isn't age subjective? I guess perhaps the older you are, the less unmarried people there are in your age range, so it's more difficult for you to get a date or whatever. As if that's what this is all about. (Might I remind everyone that it only takes one.) Maybe he meant that as we get older we have less options and get more desperate, but is that a reason why I would marry the wrong guy? Honestly, if I just wanted to get married, I could have done that long ago. My goal is to stay married and have loving, trusting, healthy, communicative relationship with my spouse.
Fast forward a few years from the aforementioned incident, and I find myself in a situation in which I had a bit of a misunderstanding with a young man. If I'm remembering correctly, he had "said yes" but said given that we were not in the same city, we were going to wait until we were to go out. I thought I had until then (it was a specific time) to decide whether I wanted to date him or not. After all, neither of us were waiting for the other, but if we both happened to be available at the time we were in the same city, we would meet. Either way, he understood it a bit differently and felt like I had made him wait all that time for an answer (even though he was dating other people in the meantime). Thus, when we were in the same city and I expressed interest in dating him, he was a bit sour about the whole thing. He told me that he ended up asking his rosh yeshiva if he had to go out with me, as he already had given a yes, but he felt like I had made him wait, and such he was no longer interested. (Pink flag right there by the way –– sign of his ego.) As he relays the story, the rosh told him to find out if I really wanted to date him, or I just felt like I had to because of my advanced age. (I was 25.)
Again, I cannot logically understand why age has anything to do with either scenario. All I can come back to is the desperation theory. The older you get the more you want to date/marry whomever? For me, the older I get, the less I am willing to just date/marry whomever. I find that I am more selective, not less. With dating I would blame it on the fact that I'm now seasoned at this and can pick up on little details (which experience has taught me) that point to someone not being for me. In terms of marriage, the older I am, the less I want to compromise on things that matter for a healthy relationship, because if I've waited this long, would I really throw it away now for a marriage I would be unhappy in?
Really, age is just a number. Think about this, how old would you be if no one knew how old you were?
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