Single Lane Ahead

Being single during yuntif isn't the greatest feeling in the world. It drives home the fact that we're not meant to be like this.

Rephrase, Yiddishkeit is about family. (It goes without saying that if this is where I am right now in life, this is where G-d wants me to be. As long as I didn't mess things up through my own free will –– bigger topic outside the scope of this post.)

It feels so crowded, yet so empty. So overwhelming, so much noise, but so so lonely. So many cute nieces and nephews, too many siblings, siblings in-law, and just one person missing. The space doesn't really stretch to make room for everyone, all the different personalities. Even if we can mostly get along now that we've all grown up a bit. I too need someone to take up for me, have my back, sit next to and talk to when everyone else is involved with their own nuclear families.

I'm not the hired help. Just because I don't have a husband and kids to look after, I'm busy too. I should be on vacation too. In fact, while they're off galavanting on this Chol HaMoed trip or that, I'm going to work every day, working my normal hectic schedule. Yes, Baruch Hashem for that. Some normalcy in my life. A place I feel productive and normal, not like an outcast and a pitied anomaly.

Despite them not trying to rub it in my face, it happens inevitably. It's the nature of the beast. 

Read some of the discussion here that further fleshes out this point.

Chag sameach.

Yearning for Freedom

Zman Chaeruseinu. Freedom.

Hallel, Nirtza. Praise, song.

What to sing for?

What freedom?

Salvation from Mitzrayim?

How, when life feels so bitter, so narrow?

Echad M'yodeia? We know numbers. Numbers of months, years we've been playing this game. Numbers of guys/girls that we've met, that have entered and left our respective lives. Numbers of heartbreaks. Numbers of days, months we've waited to hear from someone with a "yes," go on a date.

Sefirah. Counting. Counting down the days until this will all make sense, this will all be worth it.

Leil HaSeder, Leil Shemurim. A special night of protection. Hashem tells us that He's close. We need to let Him do what He does.

Shackled, but free. Stuck, but looking forward.

Pesach is a time of slavery and freedom. They coexist. Bitterness and hope mingle together. 

Salty and sweet. Hardship and triumph. Heartbreak and hope. Slavery and miracles.

Aching lonely heart. Beating living heart.

Great Expectations

When I was younger I thought I would get married right away.

Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.

I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.

Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.

What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?

Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."

Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.

I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.

Disable Comments

"Maybe they can't help you get married, but they can lessen the pain you're experiencing while waiting."

Wise words indeed.

No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.

Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.

As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice." 

Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!

#itsallpartofthenisayon

Staircase

a

trek up

a winding staircase

finding no end in sight

it truly seems to go on and on

forever and ever and ever and ever

taking a short, brief breather on a landing

to begin the hike again without very much respite

an elevator at the very next landing, merely but a mirage

dragging a big bag packed with essentials for the destination

if only I could get to that place at some point, hopefully very soon

perhaps the down escalator that I am scaling will suddenly switch to up

until then I heft my heavy bursting haversack over my shoulder and brace myself

I wonder where I will get the supplies to continue the journey without tapping out or giving up

but I continue because what choice do I have and where else do I go from here, stuck in the middle of nowhere

Yup, That's What Was Said

"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"

"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."

"Why don't you just get married?"

All spoken in real life. 

I kid you not.  

I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these. 

What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?

I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though. 

Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand. 

#itsallpartofthenisayon

Runners, Take Your Mark

"You know the kid who is frantically tying his sneakers by the lockers while his friends have all finished the race? That's what I feel like."

This was an apt description by my friend of her experience in the "Waiting Room" as yet another one of her friends exited with groom in tow.

But a race implies that all runners start at the same point and race down the same trail. Real life is a lot more complex. The Master Trainer allows only one runner per lane and just one lane per runner.

Tie your sneakers and get going. The race is not limited to marriage; the hike starts long before. All of life is a climb, and the Master Planner gives each person his own trajectory to follow.

On my menorah the candles are dancing, flickering, sometimes sputtering, yet always shining their brightest. When today's candles burn out, I know tomorrow will bring additional light. Two candles will follow the one, and then there will be three. Five will follow four, and we will continue counting upwards every day.

We have a rule, "Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin," matters of holiness are always increased and never decreased. If I have lit one candle today, tomorrow I will strive for more.

I greatly admire my friends' investments, toil, and accomplishments in their homes' harmony and in bringing yet more Yiddishe children into the world. Believe me, I really do. I pray to be doing the same very soon. Yet, while my current checklist may not contain any of that, by no means am I the same person I was two, three, four, or more years ago. If I have grown in so many ways then I am confident that I have come far in the race!

Yes, for now I race on my own. Know though, I do not sit and wait for my situation to change so I can "catch up" with my friends. I do not stagnate along the way. Instead, I continue walking. Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin. With hope in my heart and a constant prayer on my lips, I keep hiking onwards towards the sunshine."

(Edited and Abbreviated, Original by Z. Goldheim published in December 20 Hamodia Inyan Magazine)

My sister was reading this article, and she handed me the magazine and urged me to read it. "You'll like it," she said. I stopped regularly reading frum magazines quite awhile ago, as I got annoyed how they often sensationalize issues to sell their publication. Every so often someone will hand me an article or story to read though.

I loved this idea. The race analogy isn't new, but the way its written about here, combined with the maalin bakodesh concept, hits the idea home. It's so true. There isn't just one way to be productive in this world. We don't just start our lives after we get married and raise a family.

What's in your training regimen today?

Waiting For My Bus Revisited

Waiting for my bus.

Today we have Google Maps, Moovit, Autobus Karov, and a myriad of other apps that will tell you which bus to take to get where you want to go and when to expect its arrival. There's a sign too next to most bus stops with a screen constantly updating each bus's eta.

Does it really help?

I mean, maybe it makes you feel better. Maybe it lets you feel like you're doing some hishtadlus by making sure you get to the right stop when the bus is scheduled. But does it make your bus come quicker or give you any real advantage? Honestly, you can get really lost even with a navigation app running, especially if it's walking directions...

We have profile databases, whatsapp shidduch chats, singles events, etc. Do these things really help us in any significant way? I mean, we're still at the mercy of G-d and when He wants us to find the right one. Perhaps it's hishtadlus. Perhaps it makes us feel like we're doing something more to make our bus arrive more promptly.

Me, I do sometimes still wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. And, to quote myself, it is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind, no matter what the transit app or bus stop screen is telling me.

The Waiting Place

Airports are a perfect example of Dr. Suess's (Oh The Places You'll Go) "Waiting Place." So much tumult. So many people coming and going. So easy to watch them all, wondering, just wondering, where everyone is off to. Everyone's getting on planes and flying to destinations. They're all rushing through the airport with somewhere to go.

Why do I continue to sit here and search for my gate?

Sometimes there are great duty free stores along the way that hold my attention, make the waiting more manageable. Sometimes there are interesting people to talk to. Sometimes there are fellow travelers also waiting for their plane who can relate and commiserate.

It's easy to get caught up in the waiting. But does it have to be waiting? Maybe it's about enjoying the journey, and the time spent at the gate is part of it. Maybe every person, all my fellow travelers, I meet along the way teach me something in some way.

Maybe I don't have to think about it as waiting, but part of the experience. It's not just about getting to my destination, it's about every step along the way.

How Traversing Shidduchim is Like Traveling on Thanksgiving Weekend

We got in the car, and the navigation told us it would take a few hours to get home. As we kept getting updates that traffic was building up ahead and our ETA kept getting later and later, we followed detour after detour and couldn't help feeling like we were going totally and completely out of our way and that we would never get home. Day turned into night. The cars in front of us crawled. We left that major highway and took that tiny side street only to encounter the same sea of brake lights.

We knew we were going to get home eventually, but we didn't know when. After each new time update, we sighed and someone cracked another joke about the traffic. We made up another song parody about traveling to pass the time. We called a friend, texted another, tried to keep spirits up.

We still knew we would get home eventually. How long it would take, we did not know. How much we would have to travel out of the way, we did not know. Where we were and how crossing that random bridge we'd never heard of before would help us get there, we did not know.

But we trusted that Waze and Google Maps knew what they were doing. (Kal v'chomer G-d, right?)

Rubbernecking, so not helpful. Watching what other people go through, for good or for bad, when you cannot help them, only slows you down. If we all stopped worrying about how fast other people are driving or what they're doing on the side of the road, we could focus better on what is going on in our cars, get where we're going faster.

Getting annoyed at the traffic is not helpful either. It doesn't help you get anywhere faster. Keeping yourself busy along the way, making sure your car has enough gas to get where you're going, knowing when you might need to ask the driver to make a stop or ask someone else to drive for a bit...are all important.

Still waiting for my "you have arrived at your destination" ...

First Dates, Ex-cetera

First dates are not exciting anymore. It used to be that a first date held hope for me that this guy could be The One. Now it’s just about whether or not it will be someone I will dread spending time with or actually have a good time in his company. How will he treat me? What will happen in that hopefully short amount of time? Will I have clarity about the direction forward?

Call me a cynic, a pessimist, if you must. I call it a reality check. Perhaps it just has to do with my current situation and path of emotional carnage. Will this ever be over?

So of course I started writing this post a few days ago, and at this point I have a different kind of clarity. I mean, there will be more first dates in my future, sure, but what warning signs do I need to see as stop signs is the real question. Will gut feelings this strong always play out this accurately? Or maybe it will feel like this for every potential person.

How did it get to this? Every person, every first date, used to...not feel like this...at the very least.

When It Rains It Pours

Someone once shared their wit about the shidduch system. "The girls are all lost in a desert, the guys in a forest." I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I mean, I get it. Girls tend to wait around for someone to express interest in going out with them. (Tumbleweed meme, anyone?) Guys generally are bombarded with names. Is either side easier than the other?

Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)

Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.

This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.

When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.

I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)

Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.

We're All Eating Dirt

We're all eating dirt. Maybe my dirt, from where you're sitting, looks like chocolate ice cream, but it's not. Because my dating life is strife with stories and yours seems so boring compared to that, mine really isn't that much easier. In fact, I think it's probably harder.

You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.

Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.

Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.

We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.

Today Is The Tomorrow You Worried About Yesterday

How significant it all seems
All the importance we put on things
Preconceptions and judgements matter so much
Perspective is so powerful
Yesterdays look different today, today will too tomorrow

But we live in the here and now
Different things do matter
All this feels important now
You do get through it though

Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind

What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?

Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?

Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?

What's the right thing to do here?

I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?

Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?

So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.

Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.

Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.

#ihatethisgame

Game On

All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.

You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.

Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.

I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.

It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:

I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"

I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.

I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.

I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.

The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.

I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?

First Date Syndrome

Often, dating feels like the "First Date" Master of None episode where the Ansari character goes on multiple first dates and they all sort of blend together, each girl he dates bringing out a different aspect of how (endless) dating can turn out.

I don't watch Netflix or comedy generally, so I only know about this episode because someone used it as a term, almost like "Groundhog Day," I guess. Before the Bill Murray movie, did Groundhog Day mean anything aside from February 2 or the day where the little animal in that same family as the woodchuck and gopher comes out of his burrow and if he sees his shadow we have more days of winter? Either way, Master of None "First Date" dating sort of does feel like Groundhog Day.

It's been quite awhile since I've been on a traditional first date, the type where it's practically a blind date, where what I know about the guy is limited to what his references and other random people have told me, and oftentimes I haven't even seen a picture of him. I guess those work well when you hit it off with the person, (rare), but precisely for that reason it's the same script. Getting to know someone, getting comfortable with someone, can be like that. Until you actually have a certain level of comfort, it's hard to feel like it's anything but playing the same role again and again on the dating theater stage.

I had that weird sense of deja vu recently; even when trying to build a relationship with someone, I just couldn't help the feeling of doing the same thing all over again. This is one of the things I really wish I had a time machine to get through, a fast forward button on my life. It's hard to have the emotional energy to give another saga my all not knowing how it will end.

Someone once suggested that I get invested in things too fast, that I give too much of myself. I honestly don't know that there's another way to do it for me. I don't have to share everything with everyone, and I don't, but that's who I am as a person. I connect with people. I want to share my life. I support people –– get invested in their successes, support them through their hardships. And I lean on them to support me through my challenges. I often wish I could know who I will make it to the finish line with. I also wish I could skip all the other relationships.

Yes, I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and 'tis better to have loved and lost...I just need to figure out how to get in,  figure out what I need to know, and then get out (or clinch the deal). I guess I also just have come to dislike the small talk and the textbook dating activities and conversations. The problem is when I skip those the relationship fast-tracks and isn't super conducive to marriage, or at least clear-minded rational thought to determine that.

Is there a way off this hamster wheel?

At A Younger Sibling's Simcha

Spending a good portion of the day at a good friend's younger sibling's vort really made me think about my own experiences like this (outlined in these posts). Really, I'm happy to be moral support, play bodyguard, or just be a welcome distraction.

At my own younger sibling's vort, I remember telling my friends they didn't need to come. When we talk about it now, they laugh at me for being macho and playing the "I got this" card, when it turned out to be not that fun. I don't think I was thinking "I got this" back then. Really, I just didn't want to be the older sorry single sibling who needed friends surrounding her at all times to make it through the night. I thought I would be okay, because it was a simcha of a sibling. I figured there would be enough family around to keep me occupied. I guess I didn't realize how it was going to play out and that there would be lots of (younger) people that I knew coming for the chosson and kallah and how that would feel.

While there will always be a fair share of people who don't think, I believe that people have gotten a lot better in the recent years. (Unless I, and my friends, have just gotten older and so people are more sensitive.) We're hearing less "Iy"H by you"s, less "You're next," less "We should share in simchos." We get it, you're trying to be nice, but it hurts.

I've mentioned the article we compiled to share some of these helpful tips, which no one wanted to publish. (Perhaps it really can be revamped to become publishable.) We were talking about it during the informal after-party with a neighbor who wanted to know how many hurtful comments my friend had gotten during the course of the vort. She came up with the idea that we should make a "What Not To Say At A Younger Relative's Simcha" youtube video. Interesting idea. Perhaps we'll start writing a script...

Being single is one challenge, having younger siblings and being single is another.

Finding My Way Back

Wish my heart would stop beating
Me up
Wish my head would follow
My heart
Wish this wasn't
So complicated
Wish I could
Make sense of it all

Wish I felt I had a place
In my own life
Wish I could find the page
Where I left off

You took me down
To build me back up again
Dragged me around
But all by my own doing

This story I'm writing
Could be called fiction
Though waking up is hard to do
Falling asleep's impossible too

Trying to put
The pieces back together
Feeling hopeless
But hopeful
Lost and searching
For some new light in this dark tunnel

When A Person Becomes A Label –– Guest Post

We live in a world of labels –– on food, clothes, politics, and everything in between. Everywhere we go, labels provide us with information, both crucial and non-crucial. They can also serve the purpose of showing others who we are as people. So, of course, why would anyone then expect dating to be any different?

I was signing up for SYAS the other day, and one of the fields that it asks is how you identify religiously. These choices ranged from Traditional and Reform to Yeshivish and Chassidish, going into as much detail as "Modern Orthodox Machmir" and "Modern Yeshivish." With all those choices, you would think that they span the spectrum and cover everyone, right?

Now, from a purely logical point-of-view, I can understand the use of using this system; it allows people to weed out those that are not for them at a quick glance. However, the problem is that dating, relationships, and love are not intellectual by definition. How is it that we can boil down who someone is to a label? And what happens when someone falls through the cracks?

I grew up going to a Frum Jewish day school and went on to study in yeshiva, both for high school and after. But the thing is, I didn’t become Frum until 11th grade. So, not only am I dealing with the stigma of being a Baal Teshuva, there is no box for me at all. I feel like I am too Yeshivish for the MO crowd and too Modern for the Yeshivish crowd.

Now, I don’t have answers for this, but what can we do as a community for those like me that don't feel like they have a place? The feeling of continuous rejections, either because a shadchan can’t comprehend what I'm looking for, or because someone takes a look at my resume and instantly thinks that due to my background/family I can’t be who I say I am or I'm not right for them.

In short, while labels can be useful, perhaps they should not necessarily have the amount of power they are given. There is no doubt that we need a system to help figure out (quickly) who is worth looking into, but I feel that we must remember that as singles we are going through this together. It would behoove us to remember that while labels may tell you something about a person, they are not the full embodiment of that person, and we owe it to ourselves, and each other, to look past the superficial.