Naaseh V'nishma: Shavuos Repost

A little something about Shavuos I wrote last year here.

Have a good y"t! May it be a meaningful personal Kabalas HaTorah for you and yours and may you accept it with its kessarim.

Kesser (כתר) is a remez to the specific gifts we were given with the Torah. (I don't know the source of this...)

כ- כח ת- תיקונים ר- רצון 

כ-We were given the ability to perform all the mitzvos, an extra koach to stand up to our yetzer hara and be mikayem kol hatorah. 

ת- We were also given the ability for our mitzvos to affect the world and higher worlds! 

ר- Finally, we received the cheshek, the ratzon, to keep the mitzvos. In order to live by all the mitzvos in the Torah we need this undying will. During Matan Torah Hashem placed the deepest desire to fulfill all His commandments into every single Yid's neshama.

Every Shavuos is a reenactment of Matan Torah. It is a chance to revitalize our Yiraas Shamyim and recommit to keeping all the mitzvos. We receive these matanos anew every year...if we want them. R' Matisyahu Solomon says that we can procure these gifts for ourselves by davening with kavanah  and joy and have the special kavanah of collecting these gifts when we say "Ata B'chartanu" and "...Zman Matan Torahseinu."

Chag sameach!

Don't Do Unto Others

A flight attendant was serving a respected rabbi on a plane. Recognizing his religious garb she asked him, "What is Judaism? What do Jews believe?"

The rav, without missing a beat, replied, "Don't do onto others what you don't wish to be done to you. That's the foundation of Judaism."

The attendant wanted to know what that had to do with being able to eat or not eat certain things.

"Okay," said the rabbi, "I'm sure you've noticed Jewish travelers checking food packages for a specific symbol, correct?"

"Yes, I have! But what does that have to do with respecting others?"

"Jews are trained not to just eat something because they want to. They don't just say something because they want. They don't just do something because they want to. By checking packages, they're showing it's not about them. They're following a moral code, and they're trained to see the needs of others."

Pesach we check packages. Sefirah, we work on seeing others. 

(Paraphrased from Mishpacha Magazine's Calligraphy, original article by Yisroel Besser)

I don't usually read Mishpacha, as you may know if you've been with me for awhile. Yet, against my better judgment I read this Pesach's story supplement. Shoot me. I'll even make a plug here for Rikki Ehrlich's "The Exit Interview." IMHO it was quite the worthy read. Everyone should read it. But that's not what this post is about.

It's interesting how sometimes bein adam l'makom is clearer, easier than bein adam l'chaveiro. We work on both during Sefirah, but bein adam l'chaveiro is a special focus. We mourn the deaths of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died because they didn't treat each other with respect. Crazy, almost, if you think about it. How much do we focus on respect of others nowadays? How much do we judge and gossip? How much do we judge and stigmatize?

Also not the point of this post.

Or maybe it is. What freedom do you take from Pesach? Supposedly the chometz represents yetzer hara, which we are free from for the entirety of the Chag. The aveiros we do –– hergel, habit. I'm not sure who this idea is attributed to, but it's interesting for sure.

There is so much pressure in this stage of life. While dating for some is just a passageway from young adulthood to what comes beyond that (in the form of marriage, responsibility, and family), to others it is a stage in it of itself. It's Mitzrayim, it's narrow and constricting. No two people's experiences are the same. While some may have sagas of heartbreaks and "almosts," others may have stories of emptiness for months or years on end.

No judgements. No need to compare. Can we see others as is? Empathy, not pity. Freedom, not slavery.

Happy Counting.

Life Is Full of Goodbyes

Life is full of goodbyes.

So often we connect with people, we leave a part of ourselves with them, only to have to eventually say goodbye. This happens for some people more often than others. Some people connect more deeply or more easily. Life is about being able to leave that bit we give to the other person (or people) behind and keep moving forward.

I was having this conversation with a client a few days ago. She was talking about how it was hard to just let go of her relationships with her ex's family. She had great relationships with them and nothing against them. Whereas she didn't want to see or talk to her ex ever again, she missed his family whom she had been a part of for over ten years. We talked about how in life there are so many people you have to say goodbye to. Sometimes these people have left a piece of themselves with you, sometimes you with them, and sometimes it's both.

This happens in so many ways. Professionally, I face it all the time. I will often wonder how a client is doing long after they aren't a client any longer. They shared so much with me, I saw them through so much, and then they disappear as they go about their lives. It's how it's supposed to be. I'd imagine there are many professions like that. Teaching is similar, especially if it's one-on-one.

We can't always hold onto relationships we have. And we're not meant to. I'm sure I've written about this before, how relationships can be like bridges. They can help us get somewhere, but we don't necessarily need them once we've crossed them. People come into our lives for various reasons. I know I've met people that have enriched my life in so many ways even after they're no longer around.

I've written quite a bit on breakups, but this one post about love and loss comes to mind.

It's not the goodbyes that make us better perhaps, but to paraphrase a line from Romeo and Juliet, parting is always a sweet sorrow. It makes us look toward what is next up for us. Looking forward is always more helpful than looking back. (It is helpful to learn from mistakes, for sure, but that's always for a looking forward purpose.) Looking forward doesn't cheapen the experience we had, but it does let us file it away.

A Freilechen Purim: Purim Repost

Wishing you and yours a Freilechen Purim!

Don't forget to tap into the power of the day... (eis ratzon vs. segulos)

Here's my best Purim torah. It's worth your time, I promise!

Only In Israel

Coming into the country, the guy at passport control wants to know why I'm visiting. After we get that squared away, he wishes me a "Yom naim and shidduch tov."

Only. In. Israel.

Last time I was in Israel I started keeping a list of things that were uniquely Israel. I'll share them here in a sec, because, why not? But the aforementioned incident took it to a whole new level. More on that in a moment.


Uniquely Israel...

The way the traffic light turns yellow before it turns green.
The way the tender driver gets around traffic by driving on the shoulder.
The girl davening mincha at the bus stop.
The yeshiva guy walking around in a suit jacket, black hat...and a backpack.
The way the sun sets so quickly.
Froop.
Can you take public transportation to almost anywhere.
Everyone's always davening.
Are there so many people living in the middle of construction.
Does it feel like home even when you haven't been to visit in a long time.
Do you see men riding motorbikes with their tzitzis flapping in the wind.
Does a young kid with ripped pants come over to you and say, "Money ani ohev, yesh la?"
Do women walk around with their cellphone held to their ear by tucking it in their snood.
Do you have so many smoking cabins in the airport.
How little children can buy alcohol so freely.
The way it's never really a surprise to bump into someone you haven't seen in ages.
The way everything is decorated for the current Jewish holiday.
The way everyone feels like they can ask you whatever they want.
Do people park on the highway to daven mincha because they're stuck in traffic coming back from a levaya.
Does security at the airport ask so many inane questions they don't care about the answers to but just want to see if you're lying.

Fun times.

Back to the guy at passport control. It was sort of like the woman I met at Kever Rochel. I had finished davening and was walking out. She came over to me and started telling me that she works in shidduchim and can I send her my shidduch details. She started asking me what yeshivos I date when I told her that I live in the states. "Oh, so, you're not listening to suggestions from Israel?" When I confirmed that I'm not looking to marry an Israeli, she told me regretfully that she can't help me, but she wished me well.

They're all trying to be nice, I know. I mean, I had a few people tell me I should extend my ticket so I could date the suggestions they had for me. Hmm. They care; it's sweet. They don't know me, but they want the best for me. We're all brothers. There's less of a concept of personal space. It's a cultural thing. Sometimes it's annoying, but it's also beautiful.

I made lots of friends on this trip. I had so many interesting conversations with everyone who spoke my language, and a few people who did not. I could complain about how everyone was in my business, but I think that would be shortsighted. I don't need everyone trying to set me up with whichever random person they know, nor do I need well wishes from every random person. It is nice though when I realize that everyone feels connected, and we're all in this together.

The Waiting Place

Airports are a perfect example of Dr. Suess's (Oh The Places You'll Go) "Waiting Place." So much tumult. So many people coming and going. So easy to watch them all, wondering, just wondering, where everyone is off to. Everyone's getting on planes and flying to destinations. They're all rushing through the airport with somewhere to go.

Why do I continue to sit here and search for my gate?

Sometimes there are great duty free stores along the way that hold my attention, make the waiting more manageable. Sometimes there are interesting people to talk to. Sometimes there are fellow travelers also waiting for their plane who can relate and commiserate.

It's easy to get caught up in the waiting. But does it have to be waiting? Maybe it's about enjoying the journey, and the time spent at the gate is part of it. Maybe every person, all my fellow travelers, I meet along the way teach me something in some way.

Maybe I don't have to think about it as waiting, but part of the experience. It's not just about getting to my destination, it's about every step along the way.

Single and Ready to Flamingle: The Pitfalls of Singles' Events

While I addressed the general drawbacks here re singles' events, I feel the need to revisit the topic and add a few more hazards to be aware of.

While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.

Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.

Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.

I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.

Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.

As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.

Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.

It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?

We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If  your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.

I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.

And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.

Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.

Come On and Ride the Train

I got on the train, left the city behind. I sat back in my seat a little apprehensive for the journey ahead. The first bit was surprisingly easy. I looked out the rear window just a bit, glancing back every now and then, gazing longingly at what I’d left behind. Soon, though, all that was too far away for me to see clearly. I started to enjoy the scenery outside my window.

Every now and then we passed through a rainstorm and I watched my world from behind a curtain of rivulets of water, which distorted my view. Overall it was sunny and the grass was green. I was busy thinking about what lay ahead, too busy to think about where I was coming from. Of course it was still in the back of my mind, trapped away in a little compartment.

And then the compartment came undone. I don’t know why; I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take to seal it again. What I do know is that it’s clouding my trains of thought. I do know is that it was shortsighted to think that I was far enough from the city to not look back and see it. Trying to live my life forward...

Rainy Daze

Watching the rain cascade down the windowpane, the world a little darker, outlines a little blurrier.
Never knowing when the rain will stop, but knowing that it will.
Recognizing that everything needs rain in order to grow.
Reflecting on how the rain softens the earth, leaving it ripe for new growth.
Appreciating how rainy days provide an excuse to seek comfort from the storm.
Giving permission to the rain to wash away all that's unwanted.
Realizing it isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but making your own sunshine.

Hoshana Rabba: An Eis Ratzon...Repost

Hoshana Rabba is an auspicious time for tefillah. It's one of those times that it's said about that one should wake up early and spend as much time as possible engaged in tefillah.

It's different than a segulah. It's an actual time in which our tefillos are more readily accepted. So while perhaps drinking sheva brachos wine and saying Perek Shira for forty days didn't bring you your zivug, davening on Hashana Rabba is of totally different significance.

Read more about Hoshana Rabba and Eis Ratzon vs. Segulos here.

Joy = Connection Repost

Relationships are work, but connection is joy.

The Yaamim Noraim and Zman Simchaseinu teach us this.

Read about it more here.

Chag sameach!

A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post

People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.

But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.

So obviously we are not good enough as is.

Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.

It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.

I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.

The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.

I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.

A New Year and Where Am I?

I think I'm in denial. I have no idea how it can be Rosh Hashana again. What happened this year?? What happened to everything I davened for last Rosh Hashana? And maybe I'm being dramatic. B"H I have health, a good job, family, and so much more. But, thinking back on this year, it's been one of the hardest thus far. Not only has it had an intense hamster-wheel-Groundhog-Day feel, there have been steep ups and downs.

I was reflecting on how much my life has changed since last Rosh Hashana and the one before that and the year before that, etc. I went back and read some things I'd written. Honestly, if this is how I felt four years ago, this year it's just compounded. Last year's reflections on the Yom HaDin had a similar flavor.

(So many back-links, I know, but here's more on the Yaamim Noraim if you so desire.)

What set this year apart from all the previous ones as they blur together? Perhaps it's in all the people I met, all the lives I've touched, all the people who changed me. Maybe it's in how I've grown, what I've learned, what I let go, what I've recognized, what I've forgotten. And when I thought things were hard during previous struggles, I guess it's a good thing I didn't know that things could get harder.

I was recently going through old stuff and I found old cards that people had written me. Some were birthday or thank you cards from old friends I haven't talked to in years, some from grandparents that are no longer alive. Others were from random people whose cards I kept because they were particularly heartfelt. A trip down memory lane. It should have been pleasant, but it hurt. I think it was painful because I feel so stuck in my current stage of life.

I found a bunch of wedding invitations from close friends' weddings that I kept for who knows what reasons. I found a list of people I wrote that I wanted to invite to my wedding. I guess that was a young idealistic version of me who was doing some planning. Again, painful.

Life is dynamic, it doesn't stop for the hurt or weary. A whole year went by. I'm not the same person. Far from it. Can I say that I'm a better version of me? What did I gain this year? What did I lose? What do I want to daven for this Rosh Hashana? I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in this mindless loop just asking G-d to give me clarity, happiness, and for it to finally be the year in which I can celebrate my marriage to the person of my dreams. There's so much more to ask for, so much more to life. Perhaps this is tunnel vision, but I really feel like it colors all. No, I don't think marriage fixes everything, because I know it doesn't, but it does speak to this big gaping wound.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking about the nitty gritty and focus on what's important, the relationship. It's really all boils down to my relationship with Hashem. We don't ask for personal bakashos on Rosh Hashana, we focus on the avoda of being Mamlich Him Melech. If Hashem is my King, if He is truly my Father and my King then I have nothing to worry about (as long as I opt in*).

*A few years ago Mrs. Chanie Juravel, in a shuir about the Yaamim Noraim, told over how the Slonimer Rebbe speaks out how the being judged for maves or chaim on Rosh Hashanah is not something to be afraid of. We make the choice! Do you want life, or do you prefer out? After all, a rasha even in his lifetime is considered a meis.

Tu B'Av: Some Pointers

A quick word on Segulos.

That being said, what is Tu B'Av about? Girls dressed in white, dancing in fields, attracting young men...a shidduch system so unlike our own...

I heard some beautiful thoughts from R' Zvi Weiss tonight about Tu B'Av. He shared that just as 40 days before a child is conceived his bashert is named in shamayim, 40 days before the yetziera of the world (the marriage of Hashem, Torah, and Am Yisroel) on chof hey Elul, the match is announced in Heaven. This day is Tu B'Av. (Do the math!)

Machshava, the plan, is so much more perfect than ma'aseh. ("Sof ma'aseh, v'machshava techila") The plan is always first; it doesn't always come to fruition flawlessly, but it's always first. There's a perfect plan for all of us; Hashem knows what He's doing, and He has our lives all figured out. On Tu B'Av we daven that this plan be carried out in its perfection, because we have the ability to get in our own way. We have the bechira to mess things up. Tu B'Av is the machshava stage, and we pray today that our lives follow this carefully laid plan.

On a slightly different note, during these Tu B'Av celebrations none of the young women wore their own clothes. The gemara says, "Klei lavan shoalin," they borrowed white garments. They wore borrowed dresses to save those people from embarrassment who did not have nice clothes. In fact, said R' Weiss, those who were more affluent borrowed from those who had less money, etc. It was that everyone should be able to feel equal, all wearing each others' clothing.

This is the point of Tu B'Av, to put ourselves in someone else's shoes.

R' Weiss extrapolated this point further to suggest that "lavan" refers too to "leiben," hearts. We share not only our clothing, but a piece of our hearts. We all have pain, but if I can give you a piece of my heart, if I can empathize with you, I can lessen your pain a bit. This, this is the point of Tu B'Av.

On Tu B'Av it is not just about davening for your own shidduch, but davening for your peers. Your pain is my pain. I feel what you're feeling; you're not alone. Reach out, let me know how I can help you...

Tisha B'Av - Are We Just Trying to Make It Through the Day?

Is our goal to merely survive the day, or do we really try to experience the pain of Tisha B'Av, and why is this so difficult for so many of us?

We know everything that happened on Tisha B'Av: how the meraglim returned from scouting Eretz Yisroel and cried for no reason, and Hashem declared that He would provide the Jewish nation with a reason to cry, making this day a day of mourning for the Jewish people. It was to the day, years later, that both the first and second Batei Mikdash were destroyed. At a subsequent time in history, the capture and massacre of the inhabitants of Beitar took place, and later Turnus Rufus plowed the site of the Beis Hamikdash and its surroundings, which signified the finality of its destruction. As a nation we've been through The Crusades, Pogroms, The Inquisition, The Holocaust, and countless other attacks on Jewish lives. Every single bit of suffering we've experienced up until present times is an outgrowth of the Churban; we are still feeling the effects of the destruction today.

There is so much suffering in the world, be it loss of human life in various forms – murders, drownings, what-have-you, or the myriads of challenges that we face every day on an individual level, like financial/job difficulties, divorce, sickness, shidduchim difficulties, injuries, addiction, abuse, infertility, baseless hatred, losing connection to HKB"H, poverty, mental illness, scandals, among other mishaps and misfortune. My suffering, even the "simple" pain of not being married, or the heartache from a breakup, is connected to the Churban. It may be difficult for us to cry over the destruction that took place 2,000 years ago, but it's not that hard to mourn the loss and hurt that we experience all too routinely.

I don't know about you, but I hate feeling sad. Some people have a hard time connecting to the feeling; they shut it out, because it's too uncomfortable. Many people don't know what to do with it or how to express it. When we do feel it, it is easy to get stuck in its downward spiral, the vortex that easily sucks you in to the feeling that things are hopeless, you can't do anything productive, and you will never feel happy again. We don't want to get lost in it, so we push it away; we try to avoid it altogether. Surely we all have what to cry about, but we've compartmentalized it in order to lead a productive life, and so it's hard to access on Tisha B'Av.

We may wonder if our circumstances really "deserve" real sadness and if we are making a big deal about nothing. After all, others have it much worse. I may not be married, or someone may be married and not have children, but so-and-so lost a child. I may not be married, and I've suffered too many heartbreaks, but thank G-d I have so much else going for me in my life. Am I blowing my situation out of proportion? Here is where it would behoove us to realize that pain is not measured on such a scale! It matters only how it’s felt by you, its owner. It is your reality, your experience, your feeling, your pain…no matter the impetus. Honing in on this feeling, allowing yourself to feel it (physically, emotionally, existentially, etc.) without pushing it away is a step toward accepting, exploring, and understanding it.

אֵיכָה יָשְׁבָה בָדָד 

How doth she sit in solitude? 

בָּכוֹ תִבְכֶּה בַּלַּיְלָה, וְדִמְעָתָהּ עַל לֶחֱיָהּ-אֵין-לָהּ מְנַחֵם 

She weepeth sore in the night, and her tears are on her cheeks; she hath none to comfort her...

Sadness is about loss. We need to work on honoring this loss, mourning this loss (what qualifies as your personal churban), instead of disconnecting from it. It's all an outgrowth of the Churban.

Mr. Charlie Harary spoke tonight at the Chazaq event about how the "weird" feeling that we experience during The Three Weeks and The Nine Days is Hashem removing His Presence from among us. It often takes not having something to recognize its value. Therefore, Charlie Harary says, the "zoche" of "Kol hamisabel al Yerushalyim zoche v'roeh b'simchasa," is in present tense. We won't be worthy sometime in the future, but if we mourn properly, we will be able to truly see and feel the happiness of Jerusalem right now. Mourning is not simply sadness; it is yearning, lamenting, for what was, he explains. When we can do this properly, our sadness has a direction; it is a wish, a hope, to live more within Hashem's Presence. When we have this perspective, we invite more happiness, positivity into our lives.

As Jews, we don't believe in getting stuck in sadness, hopelessness. Everything we do is for a purpose, says Rabbi Daniel Glatstein in a shuir about Tisha B'av. There is "direction" to the grieving that we do on Tisha B'av. It is anguish with a direction. After chatzos on Tisha B'Av we get up from our mourning and we look towards the future. We felt the pain, and now what are we going to do about it? Will we let it propel us forward?

Self-righteous sadness is perhaps easy. It's a void that we can get stuck in, a black hole, feeling sorry for ourselves, pushing G-d away. Using sadness to connect to Hashem is that much more difficult, and it is the goal here. Recognizing that all the pain we have, the Shechinah feels so much greater, and every tear we shed is infinitely precious to HK"BH. This pain connects us with Him; these tears directly build the Beis Hamikdash.

In the zechus of our mourning, may we witness the geula and proportionate happiness speedily in our days!

Single Come, Single Go: Singles Events and Speed-Dating

"The reason I wouldn't have 'said yes' to date him is the reason it ultimately didn't work out," a friend related to me, describing her experience in dating a guy she first met at a speed-dating event.

Conversely, "The only people I've ever dated more than one or two dates were people I met organically, like at a singles' event," another friend disclosed.

How helpful are these type of events? Is this useful hishtadlus, or is it a waste of time?

I personally like meeting new people, so even if events such as these aren't all that helpful, they can be fun, if not, ultimately, frustrating. Yet, they may be anxiety-producing for others, and so I understand why such people would likely steer clear of them if these events have little to no success rate. (If that's the case...I actually don't know.)

There is an art to organizing a productive singles event. Just putting a bunch of guys and girls in a room or even something semi more organized than that, isn't likely to work very well. I believe if there is decent vetting going on, like let's say at least 10 out of 15 guys there would have been otherwise suggested for me, it could actually work. At the very least I can spend 3 hours, versus 30, to decide if these guys are even ballpark at all. Basically, there needs to be handpicked participants who are similar in many ways.

However, this still may be a fail, because the small amount of time one gets to spend talking to someone at such an event is little more than a embellished photo or video clip of the person. Is it enough time to really give someone a decent shot? I know that some of the guys I've dated longest I probably wouldn't have dated had I met them first for only five minutes. On the other hand, I didn't end up marrying them.

Such events are great for networking and meeting a lot of people at once, yet are we going off of anything more than looks (or better case chein/charisma)? Is it mostly about who makes good first impressions?

Our shidduch system has a lot of flaws, and a big one lies in the fact that singles generally rely on others (shadchanim, friends, whoever) to set them up. Singles events can help remedy this, but in more cases than not when someone sets a couple up, hopefully, there are perceived underlying commonalities and/or reasons. This is missing when people meet at an event like this. Attraction, chemistry, and all that good stuff is left out though in the former situation, because there isn't a way for a third party to know how that might work between the two parties. Meeting organically though starts at the place of attraction or at least superficial interest or "click."

I recently met a guy at a singles' event that strategically I shouldn't have been at; I doubt anybody would have suggested the idea within the shidduch realm. We hit it off right away though, and it'd been awhile since I'd connected like that, or felt comfortable, with someone that quickly (or maybe ever –– the comfortable that quickly part). Long story short, connection and comfort isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, especially when it's about marriage potential. Someone can be an awesome person, and the chemistry can be great, but it doesn't mean it makes sense marriage-wise.

Shidduch "investigations" on either side would have prevented us from dating probably had the idea come about a different way. Obviously we were meant to meet each other and I have no regrets (in fact I gained a lot from the experience), but this is a good example of why third-party suggesting makes sense.

How successful are singles events really?

Untying the Knot

Can we untie the knot that asphyxiates us with all this social pressure –– the feeling of needing life to be exactly as we always imagined it? Marriage is great, sure, says O'Shea, but not when it's about conformity, not when it toys with our sense of self. It causes singles to feel bad about themselves just because they're not part of the exclusive club, and it causes people to mindlessly marry just to fit with society's expectations. From the time we're little society places chains around our necks, which threaten to strangle us before we take our first steps.

Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.

Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.

O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...

Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.

Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.

Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.

One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.

And So He Lives Happily Ever After

"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.

I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."

She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.

"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."

Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.

O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."

When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.

It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.

Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)

Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")

Stay tuned.

Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.

I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.

As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.

One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...

1. Be Impeccable with your Word 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally 

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don’t Make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best 

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.

In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.

On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.

1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.

You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)

O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.

A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.

Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.

On Connection and Rejection

If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...

My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.

Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.

I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.

When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...

In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.

Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.