Don't Do Unto Others

A flight attendant was serving a respected rabbi on a plane. Recognizing his religious garb she asked him, "What is Judaism? What do Jews believe?"

The rav, without missing a beat, replied, "Don't do onto others what you don't wish to be done to you. That's the foundation of Judaism."

The attendant wanted to know what that had to do with being able to eat or not eat certain things.

"Okay," said the rabbi, "I'm sure you've noticed Jewish travelers checking food packages for a specific symbol, correct?"

"Yes, I have! But what does that have to do with respecting others?"

"Jews are trained not to just eat something because they want to. They don't just say something because they want. They don't just do something because they want to. By checking packages, they're showing it's not about them. They're following a moral code, and they're trained to see the needs of others."

Pesach we check packages. Sefirah, we work on seeing others. 

(Paraphrased from Mishpacha Magazine's Calligraphy, original article by Yisroel Besser)

I don't usually read Mishpacha, as you may know if you've been with me for awhile. Yet, against my better judgment I read this Pesach's story supplement. Shoot me. I'll even make a plug here for Rikki Ehrlich's "The Exit Interview." IMHO it was quite the worthy read. Everyone should read it. But that's not what this post is about.

It's interesting how sometimes bein adam l'makom is clearer, easier than bein adam l'chaveiro. We work on both during Sefirah, but bein adam l'chaveiro is a special focus. We mourn the deaths of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died because they didn't treat each other with respect. Crazy, almost, if you think about it. How much do we focus on respect of others nowadays? How much do we judge and gossip? How much do we judge and stigmatize?

Also not the point of this post.

Or maybe it is. What freedom do you take from Pesach? Supposedly the chometz represents yetzer hara, which we are free from for the entirety of the Chag. The aveiros we do –– hergel, habit. I'm not sure who this idea is attributed to, but it's interesting for sure.

There is so much pressure in this stage of life. While dating for some is just a passageway from young adulthood to what comes beyond that (in the form of marriage, responsibility, and family), to others it is a stage in it of itself. It's Mitzrayim, it's narrow and constricting. No two people's experiences are the same. While some may have sagas of heartbreaks and "almosts," others may have stories of emptiness for months or years on end.

No judgements. No need to compare. Can we see others as is? Empathy, not pity. Freedom, not slavery.

Happy Counting.

Hoping For A Change

We all have our vices. For some people they're innocent –– an extra piece of cake, a handful of candy, lots of shoes, whatever. Other people struggle with more "addictive" habits. Sometimes these things are actual defects of character –– an anger management issue, excessive arrogance, etc. Sometimes the person is defined by this bad habit or struggle.

For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?

First things first: people can change.

Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.

What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.

If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.

There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.

You can't marry someone hoping they will change.

Committment Phobia

Planning a Shabbaton, or more accurately a small weekend getaway with a handful of friends, made me realize how commitment-phobic people can be. I get it, life happens; things are going on, and people need to be able to flake. I know I don't like to schedule things for a few months out, because at this stage in the game I'm always secretly hoping that my life is going to be infinitely different in a few months, that there will be someone in my life who I will want to spend all my time with and change all my plans for.

Samuel Decker Thompson said it perfectly, "We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love or broken heart away from becoming a completely different person."

Even so, the Shabbaton I'm working on isn't months out, it's a few days away. Something that everyone, myself included, can work on is realizing that plans can be changed in the event of an emergency or something grandly more important. Even if it costs a little extra money, emotional energy, whatever, not making decisions isn't always safety, you can lose out on so much. Not making a decision is making a decision too.

This is true in relationships, but this is also true with committing to most things. Relationships are probably the quintessential example though. It's about being resistant to change, to not being able to look ahead and make decisions for your future.

If you aren't familiar with Spencer Johnson's Who Moved My Cheese, a parable about how different personalities deal with change, here's a link to a summary video. It's worth the 3 minutes.

Sniff and Scurry find their way to the new cheese (whatever it is that is valuable and your goal in life), while Hem and Haw, well, hem and haw. Haw learns valuable lessons along the way, while we don't know what happens to Hem.

There's so much less on the line committing to, or backing out of, a Shabbaton, than what's at stake when we're talking relationships. Relationship anxiety a lot of the time is rooted in fear of emotional intimacy or stems from previous bad relationship experiences. Not being able to make choices in general can have many other causes. Sometimes it's really just a heavy duty case of FOMO (I'm not kidding). People may not commit to one thing, because they are always wondering what else they may be missing out on. Sometimes people have a hard time with decisions, because they're codependent and they're always trying to figure out what the other person wants and have convinced themselves that they don't have a preference. Sometimes it's much deeper rooted, and the person probably should speak to a professional who can help him/her get to the bottom of it.

With all that said, I'm going to toot my own horn for a moment and say that in the end we rounded up enough people to make the Shabbaton happen (financially worthwhile and all that) and worked out destination/location/property all in just a few days. I should get one of those tshirts that say, "I make things happen. What's your superpower?"

Seriously though, I think the more invested someone is in something, the more s/he can make decisions to make it happen. The less s/he cares about it (even if s/he's lying to himself that s/he really does care...actions not words), the less s/he will take a hard look at why s/he's having a hard time committing.

Healthy Relationships: Empaths and Codependents

I think we pay a lot of attention to what feels right, shared values, checking things off our "list," etc., while dating, but how often do we pay attention to the health of a relationship? (Perhaps I should first ask if the way we date actually even allows us to create relationships for us to pay attention to their patterns and health. That's a different topic altogether, but for the purpose of this post, I'm going to assume that we do have that opportunity. I guess if it isn't before engagement and marriage, the development of a real relationship happens after marriage.) People generally believe that once they finally find "The One," they can ride off into the sunset. Relationships take work, and they're not always smooth sailing from the get-go.

There are many different personality profiles that work (better or worse) together in a relationship, as well as many healthy and/or unhealthy relationship patterns, but here I'm going to focus on my personal experience and talk about empaths in relationships. I've written before about what I feel about being an empath...or rather having numerous characteristics of an empath.

With relation to empaths, there are various types of "energy vampires" that tend to suck vitality from anyone, but empaths in particular, which obviously is a setup for an unhealthy relationship. Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about the line between empaths and codependents, ie. what role does the empath play in this dysfunction? Let me back up a bit. I'll do my best to try to define these terms for you, so you know what we're talking about.

Dr. Judith Orloff, M.D., the author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People explains that the trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions because of his or her high sensitivities. Empaths filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. They're highly sensitive with big hearts, ie. givers, nurturers, and good listeners. They "pick up" on others' emotions, are highly intuitive, have highly tuned physical senses, feel others' pain (sometimes too much), and give a lot to others (sometimes to the extent that they deplete themselves).

Codependency at its best/worst looks pretty messy and dysfunctional. It involves people relying on their partner in unhealthy/unbalanced relationships to gain personal esteem or even their identity. It can be classified similar to how an addiction might be. Someone feels good about himself or herself or maintains his or her identity only through the relationship. However, at its most basic, it looks more like what I once heard someone suggest codependency is –– someone caring about someone else's problems more than the sufferer himself does. Another way I heard it defined was that someone might feel responsible to "fix,""save," or take care of someone, often not realizing that this is taking a toll on himself or herself, and that s/he is putting the other person's needs before his or her own. Often this plays out as the person not recognizing that he's sacrificing his own wants/needs for another and simply thinking that he has no preference (ie. "wants" or "needs"). 

Here's a link to patterns and characteristics of a codependent if you'd like to read more about it.

Follow this (another link) to read a great poem someone recently sent me about codependent relationships. It speaks to how often relationships can become enmeshed, how one's identity begins to depend on the other person's feelings and his sense of self becomes defined by the ups and downs of the relationship. 

Back to our main discussion, I relate to a lot of the typical characteristics of empaths and also to a few characteristics of codependents (and to me I feel like there's a big overlap). As I've been reading, it's easy for empaths to fall into codependent patterns if they are not vigilant about it. It's a lot about being aware of one's own needs and setting good boundaries. It takes two to tango, and both sides need to be aware of their behaviors and attitudes. One person should never have to be responsible for, or carry the entire burden of, a relationship.

It would probably be easy for me to fall into caretaker mode or give into what the other person wants in a relationship (to an unhealthy degree), and so I know I need to be on top of setting good boundaries. In a similar way, I need to do my best to be careful to not get into a relationship with someone who would take advantage of this fact, because despite how good my boundaries might be, it's easy for me to slip into that "giving/saving" role. In the same vein, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a codependent's care-taking, because I believe it's important for there to be two autonomous people in a relationship. Two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a complete union.

This article tackles topics like love addiction, empaths, codependency, healing, and healthy relationships. If you don't want to read all of it, I suggest skipping to about midway through and reading "Empathic Codependency" and "Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship."

With all this talk about codependency, it is important for me to mention that we do need others. Having someone to support you and you him/her, having someone you can rely on and vice versa, caring for someone/someone caring for you, being sensitive to someone else's needs, etc., is a big part of relationships. In July, I blogged about recognizing your needs and how important it is that you identify what they are and can be sure that your partner is able and willing to fulfill them. Independent but connected. Fully responsible for your own life but being committed to and close to those you love (a self-differentiated adult).

There is a fine line between "saving" and "supporting," "being responsible for" and "being sensitive to." One's happiness or sense of self should never be dependent on his relationship or how much he can help/save/fix others. To understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship, I would recommend reading about and identifying your attachment style.

Overall, I think most important is the willingness to work on oneself and how you relate to someone in a relationship, as every relationship can be different and bring out different patterns for each person. You never want to lose yourself, or trample someone else's sense of self, in your relationship.

Who Wants to be Needy?

While there is a difference between being "needy" and being "clingy," and the latter often comes from insecure attachment and anxiety (a discussion for another time perhaps), it would behoove us to remember that we need each other for our emotional well being. 

Katherine Woodward Thomas, in her book Calling in "The One," talks about how it's easy to fall into the mindset of thinking that we don't need others and we can do everything alone. Our appropriate actual needs get lumped together with inappropriate exaggerated needs, and we then feel like we have to swallow them all. We want to be independant and self reliant, and if you've been single for awhile, you sort of have had to be anyway. Yet, when you're building a relationship, it's important to remember that having needs is not a negative thing.

As humans, we need to feel connected, valued, cared for, respected. Therein lies the balance between being autonomous and being open to receiving from another. 

Perhaps you are familiar with the tale about how the guy walks into a five star establishment with beautiful ambience and exquisite dishes. Yet, no one is eating; the silverware is too large for them to be feeding themselves with, and so the people are just sitting there feeling irritated and angry. "That's hell," he says. Same scenario, and the guy walks in, everyone is happy, "This is heaven." Everyone is feeding each other...

Autonomy is important, but we need each other too; we feed one another. The ability to be vulnerable and depend on others is a skill. When you see this as being needy, says Thomas, perhaps you need to ask yourself if you are just unwilling to take your own needs seriously, and/or the other person is not able or not willing to provide support, consistency, and love.  Instead of not taking your need for kindness, respect and belonging seriously, work on cultivating relationships where you can ask for what you need and the other can give it to you. 

Men and women have different needs. Women generally need to be heard and taken care of. They need him to keep his word to her, and she needs someone she can count on and feel safe with. Men, on the other hand, need to feel needed, acknowledged for his accomplishments (even the little things), accepted for who he is, and generally admired, liked and respected.

It is important to recognize your needs and honor them, otherwise you end up with someone who doesn't have what you're wanting for and/or can't or is unwilling to provide for your needs.

Untying the Knot

Can we untie the knot that asphyxiates us with all this social pressure –– the feeling of needing life to be exactly as we always imagined it? Marriage is great, sure, says O'Shea, but not when it's about conformity, not when it toys with our sense of self. It causes singles to feel bad about themselves just because they're not part of the exclusive club, and it causes people to mindlessly marry just to fit with society's expectations. From the time we're little society places chains around our necks, which threaten to strangle us before we take our first steps.

Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.

Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.

O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...

Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.

Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.

Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.

One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.

Solving for "S"

Following the end of a relationship, something perhaps too short to rationally actually warrant to be called a breakup, but a "breakup" all the same (in tribute to the feeling of click/connection), I just feel sad.

It's never helpful to place judgement on feelings, because they're never right or wrong, they're just feelings. (It's the whole feelings are messages thing. When you try to fight them they find a way to sneak back in where you least expect them. When you honor their message, they dissipate.)

The message of sadness is one of loss. Sure, I lost the relationship, its potential, the person in my life (and everything he brought to the table), the connection we had...but because I'm great at analyzing things, I'm thinking it's not just that. (Rationally it seems like it was too short to feel real loss of any or all of those things!)

I'm still figuring it out, but so far I've been able to pinpoint that perhaps this is about how connection causes a surge of feel good chemicals in one's brain. With the loss of the relationship/connection, my brain is aching for that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that came along with the interaction.

Gotta get to work replenishing that balance... Social interaction, ie. hanging out with friends, exercise (maybe I need to double the workout routine), sunlight, chocolate/ice cream, and physical touch (lots of hugs and/or a massage) will all help with that.

And So He Lives Happily Ever After

"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.

I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."

She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.

"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."

Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.

O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."

When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.

It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.

Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)

Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")

Stay tuned.

Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.

I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.

As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.

One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...

1. Be Impeccable with your Word 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally 

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don’t Make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best 

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.

In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.

On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.

1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.

You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)

O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.

A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.

Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.

Scoring on a Rebound

Can a rebound be the real deal?

Seeking comfort after a heartbreaking, perhaps severely distressing, experience in which you may be questioning yourself, your self-worth, your desirability, etc., is completely normal. These feelings of vulnerability and loneliness can be staunched by connecting with someone new, even if this person isn't right for you. In situations where emotions are heightened, it is common for people to confuse their feelings for something different. (For more of a discussion about this, refer to my "Love At First Sight" post.)

What goes through people's heads' who date someone seriously, perhaps for long drawn out periods of time, dump her/him, and then get engaged to the next suitor, a mere few weeks later? Is this pure rebound science? Are people in these relationships happily married?

Science suggests that rebound relationships can definitely help people heal from a breakup, because being in a relationship (presumably any relationship) promotes higher self-esteem, attachment security, and all those good things that come from healthy relationships. However, when someone is clinging to a relationship only because s/he wants to feel wanted and the relationship is all wrong, this backfires. Therefore, when people marry a rebound, often the foundation of the relationship is critically damaged. It's the same kind of situation that results from someone trying to fill a need in himself/herself by marrying someone that has that specific characteristic. For example, if John himself wants to be (or wants to be seen as) more confident and/or assertive, he may be looking to marry someone who is all that.

However, your spouse is not your cure-all. Two complete people are needed in a relationship for that relationship to work (in a healthy manner). You cannot marry someone just because s/he fills a need. I mean, you can, but that relationship is going to have holes in it, and it's going to take a lot of work to make that healthy and fulfilling in the long run.
If you weren’t willing to settle for your ex, you’re a fool to settle for your rebound.I'm no stranger to this phenomenon of rebound relationships...at least being the party from whom the rebounder is rebounding...Recently, a friend of mine had the same situation. The guy she dated seriously, who said he likes to take things slow and work relationships out slooowly, got engaged a very short time after they broke up.

The only thing I can think of is that something that didn't click with the last relationship, clicked with the new one. What didn't feel right after months of dating, obviously felt right with the kallah.

I have a friend who married her rebound, and she's happily married. When she was dating her husband, it was "so clear" to me that it was a rebound, but somehow it worked out for her, and she really just believes the right one came on the heals of the very wrong one. It could happen.

Dating Like A Boss

You know how they say that confidence is one of the most attractive traits? Perhaps there is a median here. Sure, confidence lends people poise, charm, assertiveness, and those, by definition, draw people to someone. It's also about if you are self-assured and you like yourself, it's easy for others to like you. However, arrogance and cockiness is not attractive in the least bit.

Having confidence about something that is not true, like when someone thinks s/he's smart, attractive, with-it, etc. and s/he is not, that is the quintessential turn-off. Also, many arrogant people operate from a place of ego. Under their mask, they aren't really confident, so they work hard to make up for it.

Not everyone finds confidence so attractive though. Many people are intimidated by it. Either they question what the confident person sees in them, because that confident person seems to have it all together, or they wonder if they will ever be able to measure up. 

There is an added element with dating. Confident singles are direct, smile, make eye contact and speak with warmth and interest. They make it obvious that they’re interested, and so it's easy to like them because you know where you stand with them. 

Interestingly, in a study done at Webster University, the researchers found that the girls who got more attention at the bar they were camping out in were the ones that made eye contact and were direct, versus the ones who were shy and barely talked. It didn't matter what they looked like!

Please just keep in mind that condescending arrogance is not confidence...

Clap Along If You Feel Like Happiness is the Truth

What is happiness? How do we access it? Is it really as elusive as we sometimes feel it is?

Perhaps happiness is like a liquid; its form takes the shape of its container. Maybe it is different for everyone, or does it generally feel the same to all, just triggered and sustained differently for each individual? And, is it possible to be happy even when you feel like you're lacking something so integral to your contentment?

There is a ton of research out there on what happiness is, how to find it, and how to maintain it. After all, everyone wants to be happy and feel good. And that leads us to a basic understanding of happiness. It is an emotion –– an emotional and mental state of well-being defined by a pleasant feeling that ranges from basic contentment to intense joy.

We know that "happiness" is not necessarily about feeling good all the time. The ups and downs are what allow us to feel true happiness. You can only feel genuine joy if you have something to compare it to. It's about the mountains and valleys of life –– the accomplishments, the successes, that are born from struggle.

In saying as much, happiness seems to be a satisfaction with one's life. It isn't about money (beyond freedom from financial worry and enough to live comfortably and perhaps indulge every now and then). It's mostly not about anything material actually. Happy, winner of a handful of Best Documentary and Audience Choice awards portrays that some of the happiest people in the world live by simple simple means. Additionally, I don't know a statistic, but it's a known fact that some of the richest people are the most unhappy. It isn't about what we have per se, but how we understand and process it.

Not surprisingly, your genes, environmental factors (like life circumstances and things that happen to and around you), social relationships, accomplishments, etc., all affect your happiness. As does your way of thinking. Psychologists suggest that much of your happiness is under your personal control. Taking care of yourself, challenging yourself, setting and meeting goals, maintaining close social connections, and finding purpose beyond yourself are all ways that you can increase your life satisfaction and be happier.

Perhaps you think happiness lies in finding your spouse –– someone to share your life with, someone to connect with, take care of, someone to take care of you. You might even understand that your spouse won't be your everything, but this close connection with someone will certainly cause those feel good chemicals in your brain to proliferate. You wouldn't be wrong.

Speaking of which, there are four known natural chemicals that contribute to someone feeling happy: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins ("DOSE"). 

Dopamine is neurotransmitter, which means that it is responsible for transmitting messages in your brain. It is important for many things in your brain, but for our intents and purposes, it's the chemical we talk about when we say things like "pleasure or motivation pathways." It's about reward and reinforcement, the thing that makes things that we like feel good. 

Oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone," is triggered when you feel close to another person. It doesn't have to be physical closeness, although physical touch does release oxytocin. Emotional connectedness, eye contact, attentiveness, social bonding, and the like all create oxytocin too.

Serotonin is most associated with mood. Like dopamine, it is a neurotransmitter that relays signals between neurons. It plays major roles in one's mood, feelings of anxiety, and happiness. Mood altering drugs like Ecstasy and LSD are known to tremendously increase levels of serotonin in one's brain. Serotonin is also known to be directly related to depression. In fact, the most popular antidepressants are SSRI's –– selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Other medications that treat depression work on serotonin in other ways. (Despite understanding the association of mood and serotonin, scientists do not yet know precisely how they work, and we are still unable to measure levels of serotonin in the brain.) 

Serotonin plays an important role in how we feel, and there are many natural ways to boost one's serotonin levels. Mood induction, altering one's thoughts, either through psychotherapy or self-help, can increase levels of serotonin (it seems like the interaction between serotonin function and mood is a two-way relationship). Natural light is another thing known to increase serotonin synthesis and help with mood. Exercise has an antidepressant effect too, and some research has suggested that it can increase brain serotonin function. Healthy nutrition and eating foods that have higher levels of tryptophan could be linked to improved mood and cognition, possibly due to increased serotonin levels.

Lastly, endorphins are hormones that are responsible for masking pain or discomfort, as they are associated with our "fight or flight" reflex. They are said to be like morphine, reducing pain and increasing positive feelings. Endorphins are released during exercise and other strenuous acts, in response to physical or emotional pain, and triggered by eating, drinking, connecting with others, and other pleasurable activities. 

So yes, of the four "feel good chemicals," a close loving relationship would probably increase all. However, there are other ways to trigger them as well. Fostering other close social relationships is a good example. You can be happy without a relationship, even if it's more difficult. You just have to work a little harder.

Happiness is contentment. Happiness is letting go what you think should have been and accepting what is. Happiness is living for the moment. Happiness is accomplishing a long awaited goal. Happiness is having a purpose. Happiness is loving and being loved. Happiness is being motivated to do what I need to to feel good about myself. Happiness is recognizing that what I'm chasing was within me all along. Happiness is having a real friend who cares. Happiness is curling up by a fireplace on a cold snowy day with someone you love. Happiness is watching someone else experience something you love for the first time and the look of appreciation on his face. Happiness is driving along the highway with the windows down on a perfect spring day. Happiness is when someone returns your genuine smile and you know you made his day. Happiness is when you can focus on all the good things you have in life. Happiness is a choice.

What A Girl Wants (And What He's Thinking)

There have been many books written regarding the psychological differences between males and females. Although I think most people recognize that men and women are very different, in some ways we sometimes think that the other gender is just a different version of us. Women are not just prettier, weaker men, and men are not egotistic emotionally-blunted women.

Perhaps someone suggests you read R' Aharon Feldman's The River, The Kettle and The Bird when you get engaged. Maybe someone hands you one of John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus books. Yet, all the things you might learn reading this literature is probably helpful for you to understand while you're dating.

Alison Armstrong, author of In Sync With the Opposite Sex, Making Sense of Men, Understanding Women and other such books/workshops writes about how each gender has different realities. Because this is true, and many people don't understand this, we treat the opposite gender based on specific expectations and thus in a way that causes them to treat us poorly. Clearly, this gets in the way of having a mutually satisfying relationship.

For example, Armstrong relates that most men are driven by duty, honor, and obligation. Many women don't understand what this means and assume that men make decisions based on the same things that women do, to avoid someone being mad at them for example, or some other emotional reason. She explains that men want to take care of, make happy, spend time with, contribute to, and protect their women. A man responds to how he's treated, so if a woman stops being receptive or criticizes him, he loses motivation to be her knight. Armstrong proposes that a woman can turn her prince into a frog if she treats him in the way she treats females in her life.

Gray talks about how men and women tally giving and receiving love differently (women want consistent small things not just one big act of caring), how they deal with stress differently (women want to talk about things but when men are stressed they retreat and isolate), among other ideas.

While it is true that not all men are the same or want the same things, and not all women are the same and want the same things, here are some random things that are generally true overall. The following is a sampling of what a girl wants:

• Girls are a lot more sensitive than guys. We want guys to be nice us. What might count as good-natured ribbing with your guy friends doesn't fly with a gal.
• Girls don't really care that much about how "macho" a guy is. Stop trying to impress her with your money, car, status.
• Lies of omission, or just lies period, doesn't go over very well with the ladies. We want honesty.
• Girls want to be important to their man. Make her a priority. She'll probably dwell on it if you don't text her back.
• Girls have a lot more feelings than most guys do, and most of the time she wants to talk about it. She doesn't need a solution, she just wants you to listen and be supportive.
• Generally when a girl is mad, she wants your attention, even if she tells you "I'm fine."

The more we understand the opposite sex, the better we can get along with and support them. If you want to be treated like a queen, treat him like a king (and vice versa).

Resilience

Within the frum community it is not uncommon for singles, especially "older" singles to feel defined by their single status. Not only do they have to deal with not being married, they often feel like they’ve been unfairly labeled or are constantly judged by a reputation they don’t want or deserve. They sometimes struggle not to blame themselves, feel like an imposter, and they may live under the tremendous pressure of needing to prove themselves to others or themselves.

Shame itself breeds shame, and it sends someone to a dark silent lonely place, a place s/he believes s/he alone exists. (It's not a denial that other people are single too, but that no one can understand his/her pain.) When things are hard, we tend to isolate and disengage to protect ourselves. This silence and withdrawal then further compounds the feeling of distance from community and shame we're holding onto. It matters not what s/he has to offer: how smart, talented, attractive, etc. s/he is; shame condemns him/her to this place s/he suffers alone. This is a place s/he is essentially disconnected from others. Because s/he is "flawed" via this one characteristic, s/he is alone, different, in a dark silent place.

When it comes to shame, it doesn't matter if someone's "flaw" is real or perceived, if s/he carries the fault for it or not. If s/he feels different, likely s/he will internalize this feeling, especially when people stigmatize him/her because of it.

In her book, Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown defines shame as a “silent epidemic.” She explains that shame is universal and one of the most basic human emotions. In fact, she suggests that those who do not experience shame lack empathy and the capacity for human connection. We all experience shame. Yet, shame makes us uncomfortable, and therefore we don’t talk about it. The less we talk about something, the more it has control over us.

We beat shame by understanding what it is, recognizing what is triggering it, connecting with others and sharing our story, our struggles, our "flaw" that makes us different. Says Brown, “When we bury the story, we forever stay the subject of the story. If you own the story, you get to write the ending.”

Brown draws on current resilience research to sum up what makes people resilient. She purports that:

1. Resilient people are resourceful and have good problem-solving skills. 
2. They are more likely to seek help. 
3. They believe that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. 
4. They have social support available to them. 
5. They are connected with others, such as family or friends.

I was recently talking about this with someone, how the more resilient you are, the more you're okay to share your story (and vice versa), and you recognize that people's judgements don't change your identity. They only affect you as much as you let them. 

The person I was talking to mused that this ability to be vulnerable and open up is born out of struggle. This recognition, a maturity if you will, the awareness that it doesn't really matter what people think, comes from going through something difficult and coming out, however battered, on the other side. Perhaps once you've been through all that, someone's appraisal of you pales in comparison. Maybe through the process of coping you realize that what people think doesn't change anything. And perhaps we realize that we need people, this connection. 

Sharing our struggles with others is how empathy works. (And empathy busts shame.) Rarely does a specific response from anyone make a hardship you're going through better, but what makes it bearable is connecting with others, knowing you're not alone. It's the hand extended to pull you out of that dark lonely hole.

Emotional Memories

Have you ever heard a song playing and you were transported back to a specific time and place, overcome with a rush of emotions and memories? Many different studies, such as this one, explain how memories and music are linked, thus music has the potential to store and trigger not only a basic memory, but the emotions wrapped up in said memory.

Sights/places and even smells and tastes can trigger memories as well, but there is something about music that is infinitely more powerful in bringing up emotional memories.

For me, there's one particular song that I couldn't listen to for quite some time after the big break up. Even now, years later, when I hear it I still feel a little gut punched. I remember the first time that I heard the song; I was somewhere, a restaurant, maybe a hotel bar/lounge, on a date with the guy the song later came to represent, well, him and our relationship.

It was a messy one, a relationship in which there were a few stops and starts. One where, in hindsight, we sort of knew we were wrong for each other, but neither of us were willing to call it quits. Not only did we often hear the song playing while we were together, it sort of became our story –– every single lyric applied to us. I think it will be a long time before I can hear the song and not think about him or our relationship/break up(s).

At least I no longer panic when I hear it. I don't feel slightly nauseous or start shaking. I don't get sad or angry anymore. I bet if I listen to it on repeat I could probably get rid of that rush of emotion it triggers, sort of like exposure therapy.

Places I don't normally go and I was first there on a date (with someone who mattered) will do this to me too, but in much milder version. Those memories are sort of, "Oh yeah, so-and-so took me here." Music just brings a tidal wave of emotions.

It's "Clarity" by Zedd, by the way. I know you were wondering.

Phase or Lifestyle?

Pop psychology calls them safety behaviors, those practices we develop to cope with whatever challenge at hand to reduce anxiety and fear. Escapism turned out to be great for me at this point in my shidduch career. The problem with safety behaviors is how they stick around even after we don't need them anymore. It is true for the adult who was taken advantage of or bullied as a child and now doesn't trust that anyone has his/her good in mind, but it's also true for a general lifestyle that you get used to.

My new attitude, removing myself mentally (as much as possible) from tedious shidduch life has proven effective in dealing with my negative feelings surrounding it. (I'm actually not sure it's sustainable, but it's working short-term for sure.) I think disengagement at this stage is natural, because it's normal and healthy to gravitate towards things that make us feel productive. Focusing on work, hobbies, and vacations, makes this stage in my life so much more tolerable.

As I was cruising down the highway in my wine red convertible rental, enjoying the wind whipping through my hair, relishing the sun on my face and the warm weather in the dead of winter, I started wondering if taking frequent vacations and splurging on indulgent things is setting myself up for failure. Am I creating a lifestyle that isn't maintainable?

I obviously want to milk being single at this age (and working at a flexible job) for all it's worth. I won't always be able to jet to tropical destinations whenever I feel like it. I won't always be able to drop a few hundred bucks to do/buy what I feel like. Yet, there has to be some benefit of not being married. Do what I can now, cross them off my bucket list, right?

Will doing these things make me want/expect these things in the future? It isn't a lifestyle that I need or necessarily want for my family. Am I getting further and further away from what is important?

On Empaths and Narcissists Repost

This is one of my favorite articles on this topic...and my own reflections.

Dating, life, and even blogging has taught me a lot about myself and many different types of people.

Escapism

More and more I've been feeling lost. I used to be able to pull myself away from that all but consuming feeling that can't be described in any other way than despair. It used to be easier to forge ahead and believe that respite was just around the corner, but it's gotten so much more difficult to do that recently. 

The break-down is splashed all across these pages. It's no longer about fostering resilience in the face of this never ending cycle of feeding quarters into the game and coming away with less than what I started with. As much as I don't want to admit it, I've started to let go of my hold on the belief that this is all worth something. 

And so, my new strategy is avoidance. Hardly a healthy one, I know, but it works in short bursts. If I pretend that it doesn't hurt, absorb my mind in something else, maybe it won't. If I forget that I have one goal, and one goal only in this battle, maybe I'll start to believe it, and when things explode in my face it won't sting so much. I just have to stop caring so much I guess. I'm sure I'm losing a part of myself when I let this go, but I'll lose even more if I can't figure out how to manage this. 

Fiction is great for fighting reality, as long as you don't get stuck in the fiction. The harshness of reality is much more easily handled in broken up bits, smaller manageable pieces. It's why the entertainment industry is raking it in. It's why we find solace in movies, TV, video games, sports, books, music, mindless internet browsing, etc. 

I guess it's why I already planned my next vacation when I just got back from my last one. It's hardly about seeking out warm climates in the middle of the winter; okay, it's a little about that, but it's more about the fact that I'm escaping. I fully admit that. Add a "fun" ride to the experience (that cherry red convertible will do), and I'm good. Totally guilty of escapism, but also of self-care. It's one of those buzzwords that are popular for a reason –– it's important. 

My vote? Escapism is great if you know how to and when to snap back to reality. I'm always looking for new vacation buddies, so, who's in?

Self-Esteem Poker Chips Repost

I was reminded of this poker chips theory recently when a situation happened with a guy that I was pretty confused and hurt by. Thank G-d my chip stacks haven't been depleted; it's good to have a reserve.

Self Differentiation Repost

Self differentiation boils down to being able to separate thoughts and feelings, the capability to look at yourself as an emotionally developed individual, an identity that allows you to be autonomous in a way that helps you be healthily connected to another. Pretty sure it's self-explanatory why this is so important for marriage!