"Maybe they can't help you get married, but they can lessen the pain you're experiencing while waiting."
Wise words indeed.
No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.
Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.
As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice."
Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!
#itsallpartofthenisayon
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Yup, That's What Was Said
"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"
"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."
"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."
"Why don't you just get married?"
All spoken in real life.
I kid you not.
I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these.
What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?
I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though.
Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
It's Not About Why Not
"He's a normal guy I think. He said yes to you? You should just go out."
"Just try it. What are you scared of?"
It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.
No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.
Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.
It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.
"Just try it. What are you scared of?"
It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.
No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.
Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.
It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Just Give Me A Reason
I guess this post really wanted to be written. I had the idea awhile back when I had many names on the table and I had declined most of them. I got some slack for that, and the people suggesting the ideas wanted to know why I was saying no.
"Please give me a reason why so-and-so isn't for you."
Now, I get it if this is a shadchan who really thinks s/he may know someone for me and wants to tweak future suggestions. But what if it's someone random? What if the person doesn't know him and doesn't know me? What if she just went off the fact that we live in the same city and are around the same age? Why does she have to argue with me when I tell her he isn't for me? What if he just said yes clearly because he saw a picture of me? (Getting a yes literally 15 minutes after someone asked me for my profile to send to a guy. What else was he basing it on?) There were myriad permutations of this scenario that occurred.
At the time I got pretty frustrated. I jotted down some notes for a future blog post. I forgot about it. It wasn't as burning anymore. Then the following happened.
About three or four months ago or so someone sent me a video resume of a guy. It did not do him any favors. I'll leave it at that. It was unclear at the time if she had suggested it to him or she was just running it by me first. I'm certain she didn't watch the video. I said "Thanks for thinking of me. He's not for me." This happens to be a shadchan I deal with on a somewhat frequent basis, and she didn't interrogate me why I said no.
About a month ago and half ago, maybe a little longer, someone random sent me the resume of this same guy with a yes. I politely declined.
I got a message, "So-and-so wants to know what about him makes you say he's not for you."
I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to that message.
Today I got a resume with a yes. This guy.
I politely declined. I respectfully told the shadchan suggesting it that it had been suggested in the past and I had said no at the time and the answer was still no.
(I'm going to interrupt myself here for a second. Weird story, two weeks ago another guy who had said yes to me and I had said "no thanks" to came back via a yes from another shadchan. I don't understand. Are these guys playing a game? Do they think I don't remember that I said no? That I will change my mind if someone else redts it? Or did they not remember that we did this already?)
Back to my story, the shadchan messages me and says, "So-and-so wants to know how he can better himself so you will go out with him."
That was taking it a bit too far.
I think my message was fairly polite when I replied that he had been suggested before and I had said no, the question was posed before, and why was he running after me. I also said that he's not what I'm looking for and didn't think it was necessary for me to go into detail.
She was apologetic and said she didn't realize, and she agreed with me.
For real, must I give a reason why someone isn't for me to every suggestion? Honestly sometimes the answer is that a guy is too nerdy, not socially adept enough, or not smart enough. Does he really want to hear that?
Does everyone need a reason?
"Please give me a reason why so-and-so isn't for you."
Now, I get it if this is a shadchan who really thinks s/he may know someone for me and wants to tweak future suggestions. But what if it's someone random? What if the person doesn't know him and doesn't know me? What if she just went off the fact that we live in the same city and are around the same age? Why does she have to argue with me when I tell her he isn't for me? What if he just said yes clearly because he saw a picture of me? (Getting a yes literally 15 minutes after someone asked me for my profile to send to a guy. What else was he basing it on?) There were myriad permutations of this scenario that occurred.
At the time I got pretty frustrated. I jotted down some notes for a future blog post. I forgot about it. It wasn't as burning anymore. Then the following happened.
About three or four months ago or so someone sent me a video resume of a guy. It did not do him any favors. I'll leave it at that. It was unclear at the time if she had suggested it to him or she was just running it by me first. I'm certain she didn't watch the video. I said "Thanks for thinking of me. He's not for me." This happens to be a shadchan I deal with on a somewhat frequent basis, and she didn't interrogate me why I said no.
About a month ago and half ago, maybe a little longer, someone random sent me the resume of this same guy with a yes. I politely declined.
I got a message, "So-and-so wants to know what about him makes you say he's not for you."
I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to that message.
Today I got a resume with a yes. This guy.
I politely declined. I respectfully told the shadchan suggesting it that it had been suggested in the past and I had said no at the time and the answer was still no.
(I'm going to interrupt myself here for a second. Weird story, two weeks ago another guy who had said yes to me and I had said "no thanks" to came back via a yes from another shadchan. I don't understand. Are these guys playing a game? Do they think I don't remember that I said no? That I will change my mind if someone else redts it? Or did they not remember that we did this already?)
Back to my story, the shadchan messages me and says, "So-and-so wants to know how he can better himself so you will go out with him."
That was taking it a bit too far.
I think my message was fairly polite when I replied that he had been suggested before and I had said no, the question was posed before, and why was he running after me. I also said that he's not what I'm looking for and didn't think it was necessary for me to go into detail.
She was apologetic and said she didn't realize, and she agreed with me.
For real, must I give a reason why someone isn't for me to every suggestion? Honestly sometimes the answer is that a guy is too nerdy, not socially adept enough, or not smart enough. Does he really want to hear that?
Does everyone need a reason?
Monday, December 18, 2017
Perspective
There's a flip side to every personality trait. What keeps life exciting and fun, what makes people want to spend time with you, can also be what kills you. For me, passion and truth seeking can often become drama apparently.
That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.
It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.
If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.
Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.
Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.
I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.
That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.
It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.
If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.
Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.
Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.
I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.
Monday, November 20, 2017
We're All Eating Dirt
We're all eating dirt. Maybe my dirt, from where you're sitting, looks like chocolate ice cream, but it's not. Because my dating life is strife with stories and yours seems so boring compared to that, mine really isn't that much easier. In fact, I think it's probably harder.
You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.
Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.
Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.
We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.
You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.
Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.
Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.
We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Single and Ready to Flamingle: The Pitfalls of Singles' Events
While I addressed the general drawbacks here re singles' events, I feel the need to revisit the topic and add a few more hazards to be aware of.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Game On
All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Some Tact Please
At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.
Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)
I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.
So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."
We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.
Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)
I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.
So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."
We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
When A Person Becomes A Label –– Guest Post
We live in a world of labels –– on food, clothes, politics, and everything in between. Everywhere we go, labels provide us with information, both crucial and non-crucial. They can also serve the purpose of showing others who we are as people. So, of course, why would anyone then expect dating to be any different?
I was signing up for SYAS the other day, and one of the fields that it asks is how you identify religiously. These choices ranged from Traditional and Reform to Yeshivish and Chassidish, going into as much detail as "Modern Orthodox Machmir" and "Modern Yeshivish." With all those choices, you would think that they span the spectrum and cover everyone, right?
Now, from a purely logical point-of-view, I can understand the use of using this system; it allows people to weed out those that are not for them at a quick glance. However, the problem is that dating, relationships, and love are not intellectual by definition. How is it that we can boil down who someone is to a label? And what happens when someone falls through the cracks?
I grew up going to a Frum Jewish day school and went on to study in yeshiva, both for high school and after. But the thing is, I didn’t become Frum until 11th grade. So, not only am I dealing with the stigma of being a Baal Teshuva, there is no box for me at all. I feel like I am too Yeshivish for the MO crowd and too Modern for the Yeshivish crowd.
Now, I don’t have answers for this, but what can we do as a community for those like me that don't feel like they have a place? The feeling of continuous rejections, either because a shadchan can’t comprehend what I'm looking for, or because someone takes a look at my resume and instantly thinks that due to my background/family I can’t be who I say I am or I'm not right for them.
In short, while labels can be useful, perhaps they should not necessarily have the amount of power they are given. There is no doubt that we need a system to help figure out (quickly) who is worth looking into, but I feel that we must remember that as singles we are going through this together. It would behoove us to remember that while labels may tell you something about a person, they are not the full embodiment of that person, and we owe it to ourselves, and each other, to look past the superficial.
I was signing up for SYAS the other day, and one of the fields that it asks is how you identify religiously. These choices ranged from Traditional and Reform to Yeshivish and Chassidish, going into as much detail as "Modern Orthodox Machmir" and "Modern Yeshivish." With all those choices, you would think that they span the spectrum and cover everyone, right?
Now, from a purely logical point-of-view, I can understand the use of using this system; it allows people to weed out those that are not for them at a quick glance. However, the problem is that dating, relationships, and love are not intellectual by definition. How is it that we can boil down who someone is to a label? And what happens when someone falls through the cracks?
I grew up going to a Frum Jewish day school and went on to study in yeshiva, both for high school and after. But the thing is, I didn’t become Frum until 11th grade. So, not only am I dealing with the stigma of being a Baal Teshuva, there is no box for me at all. I feel like I am too Yeshivish for the MO crowd and too Modern for the Yeshivish crowd.
Now, I don’t have answers for this, but what can we do as a community for those like me that don't feel like they have a place? The feeling of continuous rejections, either because a shadchan can’t comprehend what I'm looking for, or because someone takes a look at my resume and instantly thinks that due to my background/family I can’t be who I say I am or I'm not right for them.
In short, while labels can be useful, perhaps they should not necessarily have the amount of power they are given. There is no doubt that we need a system to help figure out (quickly) who is worth looking into, but I feel that we must remember that as singles we are going through this together. It would behoove us to remember that while labels may tell you something about a person, they are not the full embodiment of that person, and we owe it to ourselves, and each other, to look past the superficial.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post
People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.
But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.
So obviously we are not good enough as is.
Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.
It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.
I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.
The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.
I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.
But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.
So obviously we are not good enough as is.
Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.
It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.
I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.
The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.
I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.
Monday, September 25, 2017
What's Wrong With This Picture?
Someone who I went to high school with, and with whom I haven't spoken to in months and months, texted me:
"Hi SPDR, I just wanted to know what you're looking for."
A few minutes later, "I hope you had a good Rosh Hashana."
Only slightly annoyed at her phraseology and method, I politely replied.
"Hi! You mean in terms of a guy? This is what I tell people..."
"Okay, would you go out with a long-term learner?"
I tried to ignore the expression she used. I tried to ignore that fact that she was asking me about one characteristic when there's so much more to the person, I hope. I just answered her question, very clearly and concisely.
"No."
"Oh well," she replied.
"Just thought it would be a good idea in terms of personality, etc., but he's a long term learner."
To which I replied that I doubt we would be on the same page in terms of hashkafos, broadmindedness, worldliness, etc."
"But he's openminded. That's why I thought of you."
Trying to be open, I questioned in what ways he's openminded and what his background is, etc., but that I would likely not go out with someone only learning at this point, especially someone who plans to stay in kollel indefinitely. She didn't answer. A little while later she got back to me.
"Okay...well, I mentioned to him that you would date someone working and he said he's not interested then."
Ummm, why does she not listen what I have to say about this, but whatever he says goes? I mean, that was exactly the point, wasn't it? Does she think I'm so desperate that even if I tell her flat out "no," that I would not agree to go out with someone wanting to learn forever, I would consider it? I was never looking to marry a guy who wanted to learn l'olmei ad, even when I was super bright-eyed and bushy-tailed straight out of seminary wanting to scrimp and save to support a family in kollel forever.
Honestly, I feel like it's disrespectful. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but her way about it rubs me the wrong way. If I tell you that that's not what I want, why are you belaboring the point? Why is it only good enough when the guy says that he doesn't want someone who doesn't want someone learning? Was there a reason why you asked me what I'm looking for or was that a formality?
Maybe only ask questions if you really are going to listen to the answer.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Breakups and Breakdowns
You would think I might gain some perspective, I was thinking as I left the hospital yesterday after visiting a family member. Life is short; life is fragile. I have better things to be worrying about. Except that all those better things just compound my sadness and stress.
It's so hard to grasp onto, this feeling. It's loss, but it's something so much more. It's doubt. It's sorrow. It's rumination. It's probably even self-hate to some degree. It's maybe even anger. Is it despair too?
Every day this week felt like Thursday; it's been the longest week in quite some time. Every night felt so long and lonely. Too many nights I lay awake wondering if you were doing the same...feeling.
It's so hard to grasp onto, this feeling. It's loss, but it's something so much more. It's doubt. It's sorrow. It's rumination. It's probably even self-hate to some degree. It's maybe even anger. Is it despair too?
Every day this week felt like Thursday; it's been the longest week in quite some time. Every night felt so long and lonely. Too many nights I lay awake wondering if you were doing the same...feeling.
I thought it would feel good to finally take care of things that should have been done a long time ago but got put on hold because I was so busy all the time. I thought I would feel good getting knee-deep in some projects that are finally coming along slowly but surely. But, there's something missing. It's not unlike how normal everyday joys just aren't enjoyable to an addict after s/he quit drugs. The brain's pleasure pathways get changed up.
I know this is different; this is temporary. I know I'll snap out of it. I don't know, maybe there's the side here that doesn't want to, that doesn't want to forget, wants to nurse this for time longer. So often we hold onto pain when it's the only vestige left from something we're not ready to let go.
The space is good though, even as much as it's driving me crazy, as much as I just want to pick up the phone. I'm getting perspective even as I'm still so uncertain what it all means.
I remember the days that all it took was a Coffee Coolatta to make me happy, but these days it seems like not even ice cream makes a dent. I'm still overwhelmed with sadness. It's still so hard. I know it takes time. I know I need to be patient. I know I need more perspective. I know I need to figure this out. Right now though it's just about emotions. Real life is so much about logic and foresight. We're paying a price, but hopefully there will be hefty returns whatever the currency.
Friday, August 11, 2017
How Shidduchim Has Changed Within the Last Five Years
While it used to be about waiting by your phone for it to ring, hoping it would be someone with a suggestion for you, the ways shidduchim are brainstormed/redt nowadays has mushroomed quite a bit.
There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.
Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?
I'm not so sure about that.
Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)
However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.
I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.
"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."
"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."
"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"
"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")
Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.
I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.
So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.
Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov. (At least something positive can come from this, right?)
There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.
Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?
I'm not so sure about that.
Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)
However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.
I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.
"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."
"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."
"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"
"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")
Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.
I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.
So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.
Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov. (At least something positive can come from this, right?)
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Is It Okay To Lie About Age?
How much does age really matter?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
Friday, August 4, 2017
Flying Without Wings –– Guest Post
Written by a friend, this brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. (All views and opinions belong strictly to the author.)
Why the heck is everyone trying to reach the NO!?
Look, I was once in shidduchim, and it was super frustrating and annoying. Especially when I was set up with guys who were so, um, NO! But for me, I felt that my effort was to seriously consider every potential guy with an ayin tova, a good eye. Instead of rifling through dirty laundry to find the NO!, I sought to discover the YES! Every person has good qualities and potential, and I wanted to find that. Every marriage requires flexibility and adaptability, so I worked to strengthen my versatility. NO! was not part of my overall vocabulary during this era in my life. There were only two young men who I turned away without meeting- one could only be described as a "well-hearted man" who "was just average" (nothing better to say?!), and the other had been raised in a certain environment that was antithetical to my values (ambiguous intentionally, as it was a red flag for me, but not necessarily for others. I also knew his family well, so it was not a blind, curtain dropping NO!) I felt that I should first get to know the guy, see the good for myself, before facing the negative facts.
My perspective: If Hashem has directed me to this young man, there must be a reason, something for me to gain from. Of course, at most times, I did not have a barrage of young men at my door. It is sometimes necessary to create a soft, nicely padded "No," for those times when options necessitate selection.
But when I try to set people up, I am met with resounding NO!s. First come the questions (how should I know how she'd react if she had a flat tire- never happened! Um, of course he'll wake up to feed the theoretical triplets when his wife is sleep deprived. Yes, naturally, she would drive to San Mateo, CA, to conduct a kiruv seminar with her husband if he was to become a world-renowned kiruv rav.) I have been shocked, but of the last 5 dates I have tried to arrange, 3 of them were NOs! because of a 3 or 4 hour driving distance.
Ah, the NO!s
No,
Too modern.
Too bald.
Too boring.
Too loud-tie wearing.
Too shiny teeth.
Too far a drive.
Too close to home.
Too typical.
Too exotic.
Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.
Too modern.
Too bald.
Too boring.
Too loud-tie wearing.
Too shiny teeth.
Too far a drive.
Too close to home.
Too typical.
Too exotic.
Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.
This is not directed to a specific person, but just some food for thought.
WHAT IF... your intended kallah was only 4'9" and you said no because you envisioned yourself with a tall blonde?
WHAT IF your intended beshert had a prosthetic leg and you always envisioned yourself with a two-legged man?
WHAT IF your intended beshert lived outside your 30 miles of comfort and you always envisioned marrying the girl next door?
WHAT IF the reason you are in shidduchim for this period of time is to extend yourself? To find yourself beyond the parochial confines of your imagination? What if the reason you are still lonely is because you said no to your intended beshert without ever meeting him?
When I was still dating, I would debate with my friends. Why do you ask about medical issues before meeting the person? Why do you talk about emuna, faith, but try to create your own recipe for a "happy marriage" by ruling out those with certain illnesses? G-d gives life, G-d takes away life, G-d forbid. He grants health, and just as easily, he can G-d forbid take it. In a society that is very focused on emuna when it comes to income, we seem to selectively abandon our emuna in dating. Hashem can easily bring upon post partum depression to that woman who had no TRACE of it beforehand...Hashem can instantly turn a healthy person into a type I diabetic -even adult onset! Hashem can, within the blink of an eye, distort our reality. And at the same time, those who have faced serious adversity (both in the form of health issues, dysfunctional backgrounds, etc.) can be the strongest, most amazing spouses and parents out there because they have worked their entire lives to OVERCOME.
I work in a health care environment of chronic diseases, and I am always amazed by the beautiful marriages some patients have built. "Wait, you married her knowing she would need this surgery some time in the near future?" "Hang on - you CHOSE to marry him, of all eligible men, despite this debilitating disease he has for life?" Yes. Not because they were desperate, not because they were angels. But because they CHOSE to see the YES, to see the good. They overlooked the NOs, they did not seek out the NOs before getting to know the soul, the good, the strength.
Everyone should merit to marry emotionally and physically healthy spouses- of course. But the path to marriage is not straightforward for most - we have to work, struggle, grow. What better way to start off the process than looking for the positive, for the YES!
As fate would have it, I had to attest to my convictions that I had so professed to my friends regarding health issues. If I had looked for the NO!, I would never have married my husband. He had a blaring handicap that was such a NO! without even meeting him. The NO! literally opposed an item on my list of top 5 qualities because my list did not leave room for revision, for interference. It's words had strict definition. But I was intrigued. And I was determined to focus on the positive. So I said yes. Throughout our dating, I got to see the immense good that the NO! almost clouded. Intensely sensitive to others. Super-humanly hard working. Everything he had, he had to work triple hard to obtain because of his disability. And by the end of our courtship - at the start of our marriage- I said to him, "If not for your disability, I would never have married you." Not a pity marriage- never marry for pity. I saw that his weakness - his disability- proved to be the source of all his strength. I realized that my vocabulary of my list was limited. I thought that certain traits were defined a specific way, but he taught me that you CAN fly without wings. You CAN see without eyes. If not for his disability, he would not have embarked on the journey to push himself to his potential. And that is an awesome, inspiring reality.
So please- next time you want to say NO!, reconsider. It may very well be that the NO! could be blinding you from the most amazing future. Live a little, surprise yourself, and see where the "yes" takes you.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
15 Ways Being In Shidduchim Has Helped Me Feel the Galus
1. A shadchan asked me for another "more casual" picture "to share" even though the one she had is me perfectly casual, how I look in real life; it's not like it's me at a wedding or even dressed up.
2. Someone asked my coworker if I'm good at my job, because after all, I'm not married so how much could I know already.
3. A shadchan, trying to figure out what type of guy I'm looking for, told me that a particular yeshiva where a-guy-I-dated-seriously learned was "the bottom of the barrel."
4. I've been kindly advised that I don't want to be 30 and not married so I need to decide what I'm going to compromise on in a guy.
5. A shadchan calmly declared that the type of guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. (How come I've dated so many of the type then??)
6. By the way people treat me sometimes, it feels like I wear a sign around my neck, "Single. Something Must Be Wrong With Me. I Want Your Pity."
7. Someone asked a friend of mine to babysit, even though she's at least five years older than the parents and has a job, a life, and is probably just as busy as the mom.
8. I was encouraged to get engaged/married to someone with a particular set of things that bothered me...because I was "older." (I was 22 at the time (!), and thank G-d I didn't.)
9. We're encouraging 21 year old guys to start dating, because "He's 21, Just Ask!"
10. There's usually some sort of turbulence around "yeses" and the process that goes into deciding who I should go out with. It's probably the biggest thing I fight with my parents about...I hate that it gives us a reason to argue.
11. People will suggest someone to me just because "he's older" and I'm "a little older." When I ask why they think it's a good idea they accuse me of being picky and "don't you want to get married?!"
12. Someone once asked me for a picture to send to a guy she was trying to redt me to. After I sent her one, she replied, "Not that one. Can you send another?" I sent another. I kid you not, this went on for a handful of pictures. "I don't get it," she said. "You're so pretty, don't you have any better pictures?" I ended up telling my mom to deal with the person, because what I really wanted to say was that I'm not going out with that guy that wanted the picture, and he could marry a photo of me. I'd even autograph it for him.
13. I used to have a colorful shidduch profile/resume. I thought it was cute and reflected my penchant for creativity. That is until a shadchan told me I need to change it, and "What are you, like, in high school, or something?"
14. A shadchan was redting me to a guy (I guess he was younger than me) and told me that I need to take my date of birth off my resume asap. I'm not really sure what was happening there. Was she planning to lie about my age? (And this was a good while ago...)
15. Perhaps it ultimately comes down to the pain and heartache that feeling alone and navigating the rocky terrain of this shidduch battlefield generates: the feeling of being itemized and objectified often, being misunderstood and misjudged, having to be "sold"/proven worthy to people/waiting for a "yes," never getting any reply ever from shadchanim who ask me to stay in touch, disrupting important plans because meeting every new suggestion is a priority if I want to get married, the repeated heartbreak of connecting with someone and building a relationship and then having to let him go forever, the breakups that are compounded by said guy after dating me for so long going and getting engaged a mere few weeks later - pouring salt on that raw wound, having to reduce myself to a few sentences on a paper, watching everyone else around me successfully moving forward in their lives and wondering if I'll ever be able to get off this hamster wheel, feeling sad for myself and being yelled at because I "should be happier" because "your sister/brother/cousin/random acquaintance just got engaged/married! Are you so self-absorbed," and really everything else that comes along with this game...
2. Someone asked my coworker if I'm good at my job, because after all, I'm not married so how much could I know already.
3. A shadchan, trying to figure out what type of guy I'm looking for, told me that a particular yeshiva where a-guy-I-dated-seriously learned was "the bottom of the barrel."
4. I've been kindly advised that I don't want to be 30 and not married so I need to decide what I'm going to compromise on in a guy.
5. A shadchan calmly declared that the type of guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. (How come I've dated so many of the type then??)
6. By the way people treat me sometimes, it feels like I wear a sign around my neck, "Single. Something Must Be Wrong With Me. I Want Your Pity."
7. Someone asked a friend of mine to babysit, even though she's at least five years older than the parents and has a job, a life, and is probably just as busy as the mom.
8. I was encouraged to get engaged/married to someone with a particular set of things that bothered me...because I was "older." (I was 22 at the time (!), and thank G-d I didn't.)
9. We're encouraging 21 year old guys to start dating, because "He's 21, Just Ask!"
10. There's usually some sort of turbulence around "yeses" and the process that goes into deciding who I should go out with. It's probably the biggest thing I fight with my parents about...I hate that it gives us a reason to argue.
11. People will suggest someone to me just because "he's older" and I'm "a little older." When I ask why they think it's a good idea they accuse me of being picky and "don't you want to get married?!"
12. Someone once asked me for a picture to send to a guy she was trying to redt me to. After I sent her one, she replied, "Not that one. Can you send another?" I sent another. I kid you not, this went on for a handful of pictures. "I don't get it," she said. "You're so pretty, don't you have any better pictures?" I ended up telling my mom to deal with the person, because what I really wanted to say was that I'm not going out with that guy that wanted the picture, and he could marry a photo of me. I'd even autograph it for him.
13. I used to have a colorful shidduch profile/resume. I thought it was cute and reflected my penchant for creativity. That is until a shadchan told me I need to change it, and "What are you, like, in high school, or something?"
14. A shadchan was redting me to a guy (I guess he was younger than me) and told me that I need to take my date of birth off my resume asap. I'm not really sure what was happening there. Was she planning to lie about my age? (And this was a good while ago...)
15. Perhaps it ultimately comes down to the pain and heartache that feeling alone and navigating the rocky terrain of this shidduch battlefield generates: the feeling of being itemized and objectified often, being misunderstood and misjudged, having to be "sold"/proven worthy to people/waiting for a "yes," never getting any reply ever from shadchanim who ask me to stay in touch, disrupting important plans because meeting every new suggestion is a priority if I want to get married, the repeated heartbreak of connecting with someone and building a relationship and then having to let him go forever, the breakups that are compounded by said guy after dating me for so long going and getting engaged a mere few weeks later - pouring salt on that raw wound, having to reduce myself to a few sentences on a paper, watching everyone else around me successfully moving forward in their lives and wondering if I'll ever be able to get off this hamster wheel, feeling sad for myself and being yelled at because I "should be happier" because "your sister/brother/cousin/random acquaintance just got engaged/married! Are you so self-absorbed," and really everything else that comes along with this game...
Thursday, July 6, 2017
On Connection and Rejection
If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...
My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.
Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.
I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.
When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...
In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.
Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.
My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.
Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.
I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.
When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...
In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.
Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Moving on Up
I don't wanna know what every ex is up to; I don't want their lives rubbed in my face. I've gotten over them and moved on, but when they have a whole life –– a wife and a family –– to show for it, and I'm still about stuck in the same place they each left me, in that domain of my life, it hurts. (It doesn't matter how many people I've dated since them, how many other serious relationships I've been in, I'm still just as single.)
I know it's not my fault or anything I've done, I know that success in life isn't measured by life stage or marital status, but it's embarrassing and sad, and I feel like it could seem to onlookers like I am, or have done something, wrong.
We so often get caught up gauging accomplishment and progress by all the wrong things. We see all that is skin-deep and superficial. We classify by externalities and facade. I find myself having to remind myself that someone isn't better off just because s/he's married. The marriage could be terrible.
G-d has a plan for everyone, and no matter how frustrating not knowing what happens next, I trust that He knows what He's doing. I'm just working on trying to not let the past interfere with my now. I just don't appreciate being haunted by a mention of an ex and what he's currently up to.
I know it's not my fault or anything I've done, I know that success in life isn't measured by life stage or marital status, but it's embarrassing and sad, and I feel like it could seem to onlookers like I am, or have done something, wrong.
We so often get caught up gauging accomplishment and progress by all the wrong things. We see all that is skin-deep and superficial. We classify by externalities and facade. I find myself having to remind myself that someone isn't better off just because s/he's married. The marriage could be terrible.
G-d has a plan for everyone, and no matter how frustrating not knowing what happens next, I trust that He knows what He's doing. I'm just working on trying to not let the past interfere with my now. I just don't appreciate being haunted by a mention of an ex and what he's currently up to.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
To Be A Shadchan
Last week's Hamodia Weekly Magazine featured an article written by a girl in shidduchim.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
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