Committment Phobia

Planning a Shabbaton, or more accurately a small weekend getaway with a handful of friends, made me realize how commitment-phobic people can be. I get it, life happens; things are going on, and people need to be able to flake. I know I don't like to schedule things for a few months out, because at this stage in the game I'm always secretly hoping that my life is going to be infinitely different in a few months, that there will be someone in my life who I will want to spend all my time with and change all my plans for.

Samuel Decker Thompson said it perfectly, "We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love or broken heart away from becoming a completely different person."

Even so, the Shabbaton I'm working on isn't months out, it's a few days away. Something that everyone, myself included, can work on is realizing that plans can be changed in the event of an emergency or something grandly more important. Even if it costs a little extra money, emotional energy, whatever, not making decisions isn't always safety, you can lose out on so much. Not making a decision is making a decision too.

This is true in relationships, but this is also true with committing to most things. Relationships are probably the quintessential example though. It's about being resistant to change, to not being able to look ahead and make decisions for your future.

If you aren't familiar with Spencer Johnson's Who Moved My Cheese, a parable about how different personalities deal with change, here's a link to a summary video. It's worth the 3 minutes.

Sniff and Scurry find their way to the new cheese (whatever it is that is valuable and your goal in life), while Hem and Haw, well, hem and haw. Haw learns valuable lessons along the way, while we don't know what happens to Hem.

There's so much less on the line committing to, or backing out of, a Shabbaton, than what's at stake when we're talking relationships. Relationship anxiety a lot of the time is rooted in fear of emotional intimacy or stems from previous bad relationship experiences. Not being able to make choices in general can have many other causes. Sometimes it's really just a heavy duty case of FOMO (I'm not kidding). People may not commit to one thing, because they are always wondering what else they may be missing out on. Sometimes people have a hard time with decisions, because they're codependent and they're always trying to figure out what the other person wants and have convinced themselves that they don't have a preference. Sometimes it's much deeper rooted, and the person probably should speak to a professional who can help him/her get to the bottom of it.

With all that said, I'm going to toot my own horn for a moment and say that in the end we rounded up enough people to make the Shabbaton happen (financially worthwhile and all that) and worked out destination/location/property all in just a few days. I should get one of those tshirts that say, "I make things happen. What's your superpower?"

Seriously though, I think the more invested someone is in something, the more s/he can make decisions to make it happen. The less s/he cares about it (even if s/he's lying to himself that s/he really does care...actions not words), the less s/he will take a hard look at why s/he's having a hard time committing.

Love and Loss

For a long time, I had this block against Alfred Lord Tennyson and his quote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I mean, it's so obvious to me that it's better to have loved and won, right? And, if you have to lose, is it not better to have never played at all, never known what you were missing?

Yesterday I was listening to someone talk about grief and loss. He shared about the profound grief he experienced following the death of a close family member who he regarded as a mentor to him. After that happened he recognized that he closed himself off to close relationships like that one, holding everyone at arms' length, not letting people in, for fear of suffering another heart-wrenching loss. The loss was so intense, because his relationship with this person was that close.

There are myriads of Brene Brown quotes I can insert here, but I'll go with the following from her The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:

"Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees—these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain."

Love costs so much, because it gives so much.

You gotta pay to play, but even if you lose, I'm starting to think it's worth it. Not just because of what is and isn't possible if you open yourself up or close yourself off. The experience itself is enriching. Fostering a close, trusting, loving relationship with someone you care about can change you...even after the person is no longer in your life.

A loss is essentially hard because it means that you've lost a part of yourself that was wrapped up in another person or experience. Grieving means figuring out how to get back to yourself, navigating your new reality, because your life is forever changed. It will never be the same.

It's All A Game

Sometimes I feel like my life is one long game of Calvinball. 

Make up the rules as you go along. 

No two rules can be the same. 

Adapt. 

Accept rules from each player introduced. 

Try to capture the flag. 

Use any piece of equipment as you see fit to score points. 

Get messy sometimes. 

Feel crazy sometimes. 

Apologize. 

Let people know when you are hurt.

Stand up for yourself.

Maybe dodge bullets.

Maybe listen to other people's advice.

But don't lose your own voice.

Don't overthink trivial things.

Let people in.

Let people out.

Juggle all your balls equally ––

Work, family, health, friends, integrity.

Except work.

Work is a rubber ball that will bounce back up if you drop it.

The others are made of glass.

They will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, or even shatter.*

Be smart.

Don't burn bridges.

Smile.

Work hard.

Make a difference.

Work towards a goal.

Shrug at idiosyncrasies. 

Color outside the lines.

Agree with your imagination.

If you can dream it, make it happen.

Live on the edge.

Choose with no regret.

Be true to yourself.

Love freely.

Live passionately.

Follow your "what ifs."

Maintain your dignity.

Don't be afraid to change.

Enjoy the journey.

Have the courage to talk about how you feel.

Show up and be seen.

Ask for what you need.

Don't step on other people's toes.

Know when you need to take a time-out.

Take them frequently.

Love yourself.

Let this love spill over to others.

Do your best.

Then do it again.

Never make assumptions.

And don't take things personally.

Own the moment.

Don't get too caught up to enjoy the sunsets.

Never settle.

Always challenge yourself.

Break down barriers.

Dance in the rain.

Sing along to the songs.

Indulge yourself often.

But not too often.

Check every so often that you're headed in the right direction.

Choose your partner wisely.

Help others.

But not if it hurts you.

Laugh.

Learn.

Repeat.

Play nice.

Be the author of your story.

If you get a chance, take it.

Ride the waves.

Keep fighting. 

Don't forget to have fun!

If life is a game...

*Original quote attributed to James Patterson

It's Not Yet Time

"Sometimes It's Not Goodbye, Just A Hello Waiting Patiently for Another Time"

~The Better Man Project

I stumbled across "professional life coach, writer, and diehard encourager" Evan Sanders's blog, and I was immediately struck by how raw and genuine his writing is. A particular post, And I Wondered, "Does This Path Have Heart," grabbed me. I read it a few times realizing that I connected with it because I so deeply relate to what he writes, so much so that I could have written it myself. 

He talks about his challenge never having been to successfully love deeply, but it being in the letting go. He writes about how scenes and moments play over and over in his mind in full color and how each instance he feels all those emotions so deeply. 

This isn't another rant why breakups hurt so much (even though they do and I was thinking today about more reasons why breakups are so hard...perhaps I'll share them before this post is over), and if you're looking for practical ways to get over a breakup and/or unrequited love, I direct you to my Loves Me Not post and suggest you track down a copy of the book that inspired the post. I'm not quite sure what this post is about yet, to be honest, but as I'm writing I think it's about timing.

A client of mine this week shared that he was finally in the place career-wise that he was trying to get to for the past five years or so, a place that would have made his previous relationship of four years work that much easier. They're no longer together, and his current relationship doesn't feel the same to him. He just wants to share this success and happiness with someone he feels like cares about it as much as he does, someone who saw him through the hard work and knows what it means to him.

This is one of those reasons (that I mentioned I might write about) why breakups hurt. It's in the sharing your life with someone who genuinely cares about you. Your happiness makes them happy and vice versa. It's just how relationships work; it's in the connectedness. When you lose/don't have this person everything seems so much less vibrant or exciting. Truly, having someone to share your life with halves your troubles and doubles your joys.

Back to the timing thing though. If only my client could have gotten to where he is now a year and a half ago. Maybe it would have saved his relationship. And maybe his relationship just wasn't meant to be. And for the breakups and goodbyes that I'm struggling with now, clearly we're not meant to be right now. It's not yet time.

I need the space, we need the space, to get to where we can have a real chance. Love/like/affection/comfortability does NOT conquer all. I'm learning that everything has a time and place, and as much as patience is not something I'm great at, I'm strengthening it every day. Together with my emunah.

What Do You Meme

This is a bit of a variation from my regular posts, but I had too many good memes/quotes that I had to share them. For your entertainment...

🐠 Just Keep Swimming 🐠

If the world is an ocean

Where is my oar

In want of a life vest 

Tossed head over heels relentlessly

Struggling to catch a breath

Saltwater on my face

The sea glitters teasingly around me

Am I meant to just keep swimming

And they said the Titanic was unsinkable

But the waves never quit kissing the shoreline

Even as they're sent away again and again

Is Your Master In Your Pocket?

As it's erev Yom Kippur, I'm going to share a thought that Rabbi Yissocher Frand, in his annual Teshuva Drasha this year, imparted. (Actually, the inspiring part is at the end. Skip to the bottom if you don't have time for some of my own reflections and ramblings.)

He spoke about smartphones. (Actually a few rabbanim talked about phones this year. It's kind of frightening that this is the issue, addressed during a time of year reserved for heavy duty mussar.)

I can almost see you rolling your eyes right now at the smartphones speech. Seriously.

But, this is why Rabbi Frand rocks. He can get away with talking about whatever he wants, and people listen. He wasn't suggesting that we get rid of our phones or password protect our applications. He simply pointed out that humankind has greatly deteriorated in the past decade or so due (at least in part) to smartphones.

Rabbi Frand cited a NY Times Op-Ed piece written by John Spencer, a Major in the US Army, regarding his tours in Iraq. In 2003 the platoon needed to rely on each other for everything, as the connection they had to the outside world was limited to the occasional airmail letter, package, or infrequent call from home. Cell phones were nonexistent. In 2008, his second tour, they had 24-hour internet access, and when they weren't on patrol they were busy connecting online to everyone but their fellow brothers in combat.

Spencer writes,

The term “band of brothers” has become almost a cliché to describe how the close personal bonds formed between soldiers translate into combat effectiveness. Yet my combat experience in Iraq suggests that the kind of unit cohesion we saw in past wars may be coming undone because of a new type of technological cohesion: social media, and too much connectivity.

Studies show that people check their phones every 6.5 minutes, on average. People become increasingly uncomfortable when their phone is not in their close vicinity. Rabbi Frand asserted that cellphones are damaging the very fabric of society. We're completely distracted, as this thing in our pocket will beep, buzz, or vibrate at any time, and we feel compelled to pay attention to it, sometimes to the detriment of others in our immediate presence. Parents/spouses are only half there. When speaking to someone face to face, it's difficult for us to give them all our attention.

MIT professor and media scholar Sherry Turkle writes in her book, Reclaiming Conversation, that because we're primarily communicating electronically, and we don't talk face to face, we're diminishing our ability for empathy and relationships. Rabbi Frand posited that this means that we're losing what it means to be a Yid -- rachmanim/byshanim/gomlei chasadim.

He brought the example of someone who told him that his teenage daughters don't know what to do with themselves at the Shabbos table, and it is impossible for them to have a conversation that doesn't take place via texting. Is this what we've come to? He contended that this means that we're producing a generation that cannot communicate effectively and cannot then have effective relationships.

My question then, is this (just) the life of Post-Millennials (also known as the iGeneration), or are we, Millennials, doomed as well? Can we communicate without our phones? Can we build healthy relationships? Are we so distracted by the master in our pocket?

"Distraction is the only thing that consoles us for our miseries, yet it itself is the greatest of our miseries." (Blaise Pascal)  

Interestingly, Rabbi Frand shared, we learn the halachos of blowing shofar from Yovel. Why do we learn the halachos about something we do yearly from something we do only once every 50 years? This is because shofar represents freedom. Just as all slaves go free during Yovel, so, too, the shofar we blow at the end of Yom Kippur represents us unshackling our bonds that tether us to the Yetzer Hara. Yes, we can be bnei chorin, and we can control the master in our pocket (and all the other little guys sitting on our left shoulder). 

Gmar Chasima Tova!

Some of My Favorite Quotes

Just a few among many of the snippets of wisdom that say so much in so few words.

"...Some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner

“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” – Albert Einstein

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

''Love is what I do for you. Respect is what I don't do because of you. Love is going out of my way for you. Respect is getting out of the way for you. " ―Unknown

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." ―Bill Wilson

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

“Life is more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party.” ― Jimmy Buffett

"When you learn to accept instead of expect, You'll surely avoid getting hurt and you'll have fewer disappointments." ―Unknown

"We accept the love we think we deserve." ―Stephen Chbosky

"Say something silly. Laugh 'til it hurts.Take a risk. Tell a secret. Sing out loud. Rock the boat. Shake things up. Flirt with disaster." ―Unknown

“Patience is also a form of action.” ―Auguste Rodin

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all-in which case, you fail by default." ―J. K. Rowling

"Life is like a camera, just focus on what’s important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don’t work out, just take another shot." ―Unknown

"Slumps are like a soft bed. They're easy to get into, but really hard to get out of." ―Johnny Bench

"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you." ―Frank Tyger

"A brook would lose its song if G-d removed the rocks." ―Unknown

"Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it's stupid." ―Albert Einstein

"A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past." ―Eric Hoffer

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ― e.e. cummings

"Anger is our natural defense against pain. So when I say I hate you, it really means 'You hurt me.'" ―Unknown

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ―Lao Tzu

"Whenever you fall, pick something up." ―Oswald Avery

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." ―Dr. Suess

"Mistakes are what you did, not who you are. However, how you handle your mistakes is who you are." ―Unknown

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." ―Charles Dederich

"Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won't come in." ―Allen Alda

"As you grow up, you learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend, or maybe even fall in love with them...and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time-outs, and no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest. Tell someone what they mean to you, and maybe tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love, but most of all live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back." ―Unknown

"Learn your theories well as you can, but put them aside when you touch the miracle of the living soul. Not theories but your own creative individuality alone must decide" ―Carl Jung

"The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle." ―Unknown

"Life is full of obstacle illusions." ―Grant Frazier

"The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds." ―Nancy Witcher Astor Viscountess

"Frustration is the gap between expectation and reality." ―Unknown

“There is often less danger in the things we fear than in the things we desire.” ―John C. Collins

“When all's said and done, all roads lead to the same end. So it's not so much which road you take, as how you take it.” ―Charles de Lint

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go." ―Taylor Swift