Happy Valentine's

While I'm not naturally a cynic (okay, maybe only partly cynical), I truly believe that Valentine's Day was created with green, not red/pink, in mind. I'm a romantic when it comes to love, but Valentine's Day isn't about that. Some holidays are simply created for commercial purposes, and Valentine's Day is the most guilty of this.

I love the GIECO gecko meme reading "I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single." 

It's not to say that we shouldn't appreciate our significant others, get them gifts, flowers, chocolates...but does there need to be a holiday to do that?

Scrolling through my feed, I noticed an article titled, "We Need To Stop Treating Being Single Like A Disease." Totally. 

Love and Loss

For a long time, I had this block against Alfred Lord Tennyson and his quote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I mean, it's so obvious to me that it's better to have loved and won, right? And, if you have to lose, is it not better to have never played at all, never known what you were missing?

Yesterday I was listening to someone talk about grief and loss. He shared about the profound grief he experienced following the death of a close family member who he regarded as a mentor to him. After that happened he recognized that he closed himself off to close relationships like that one, holding everyone at arms' length, not letting people in, for fear of suffering another heart-wrenching loss. The loss was so intense, because his relationship with this person was that close.

There are myriads of Brene Brown quotes I can insert here, but I'll go with the following from her The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:

"Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees—these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain."

Love costs so much, because it gives so much.

You gotta pay to play, but even if you lose, I'm starting to think it's worth it. Not just because of what is and isn't possible if you open yourself up or close yourself off. The experience itself is enriching. Fostering a close, trusting, loving relationship with someone you care about can change you...even after the person is no longer in your life.

A loss is essentially hard because it means that you've lost a part of yourself that was wrapped up in another person or experience. Grieving means figuring out how to get back to yourself, navigating your new reality, because your life is forever changed. It will never be the same.

Ani L'Dodi V'Dodi Li: Rosh Hashana, Relationships, Love

Rosh Hashana. New beginnings, shofar, being mamlich Hashem melech, teshuva, reflecting on the past year... There is so much that comes to mind when I think about the Yom HaDin. For this post, I want to explore a mindset that will hopefully be helpful for this yuntif.

Last Rosh Hashana I wrote about how fiery speeches about gehenom have not been broadly used to motivate us in recent times. Instead, most popular contemporary baalei mussar have appealed to us through the venue of Hashem’s love for us, and yiraas shamyim and ahavas Hashem are closely intertwined. The yirah is an awareness of s'char v'onesh and a sense of right and wrong; the ahava can be an outlook and a means to achieve the awareness.

I think especially when you feel like you're faced with the same, or similar, challenges over and over, and it's so much easier to disengage, this mindset is so helpful. Going into Rosh Hashana knowing that everything that will happen in the coming year is being decided, thinking that you davened well last year, but are still feeling very stuck, it's a challenge. Focusing on a love and relationship with G-d changes that perspective though. 

I want to expound on that here.

I've found that there are two general schools of thought when it comes to the Yamim Noraim and teshuva. 

One approach is the fire and brimstone, "Shimu na HaMorim!" "Ma L'cha Nirdam?!" We're told that we're asleep, taking our life that G-d graciously gave us and throwing it away. We're labeled hypocritical for rationalizing and excusing our misdeeds as positive actions. Basically, what it boils down to is that we're on a one-way trip to gehenom. We're disconnected from our neshama, and we're going nowhere fast. This style sometimes works to shock us out of complacency. We get scared; we feel regret, and this generates positive change. Sometimes. Yet, many times it backfires. Either it causes us to give up because it seems like we're so far gone, or it breeds excuses. We think to ourselves that we're not that bad; we find something good we're doing in life to get us off the hook.

Approach two is that of a benevolent G-d waiting for His child to bring home a test even with just a "C" circled in red on top. I've heard Rabbi Baruch Leff speak about this idea, as he titled it, "We're Not as Bad as We Think We Are." Compared to generations of the past, he says, we are exposed to that much more shmutz. In fact, during a person's 15 minute drive to work or school, or perhaps even during a mere walk down the street, we are exposed to more than what our ancestors were exposed to in their entire life in the shtetl. Rabbi Leff suggests that because of our situation Hashem takes what He can get, so to speak, and does not judge our mitzvos as inferior. Whatever it is that we're up against gets weighed in the equation. It isn't so much what we are or aren't doing right, but what sort of relationship do you have with Hashem?

So, here's the question: which approach works "better"? Which is more real? Is it simply a matter of preference? How can scaring people by saying that they're doomed before they start be a catalyst for change? But then, how can telling people that they're just fine how they are motivate them either?

Does the difference here lie in teshuva m'yirah vs. teshuva m'ahava? We're so scared of gehenom that we change our ways, rather than realizing that Hashem loves every mitzvah we do and then mirror that love in our actions. This generation, I think, is more understanding of love. Any harsh punishment is termed "abuse" and has the very real potential to send someone off the derech. The Torah believes in punishment; what do we do with a ben soreh u'moreh? A mechalel Shabbos gets skeilah. Yet, we are a product of our society, and we find it hard to tolerate anything but positive reinforcement. Perhaps it is for this reason that we like the ahava model better. But, do we understand it for real? Are we really on that level? Ahavas Hashem is really a step above fearing G-d.

R' Itzik Isaac Sher, the author of Leket Sichos Mussar, tells us that the ikar avodas Elul is to realize "Ani L'Dodi, V'Dodi Li," "I am to My beloved as My beloved is to Me." We're supposed to spend Elul realizing that Hashem loves us no matter what. Hashem knows where we are spiritually. He sets up test after test for us, because He believes in us; He thinks very highly of us. It's easy for us to get stuck listening to the voice of the Yetzer Hara telling us all sorts of things: "You're so far gone." "It's the same thing year after year, so why bother this year?" "I just don't want to change; what's the point when it won't stick?" "I'm comfortable where I am." "This is who I am. Those things are for yeshivish people." "I'm not working on all that right now. It's not important or a priority."

Ahavas Hashem is not about letting us off the hook! It's about your relationship with G-d. Relationships are a lot of work! Shlomo Hamelech said, "Cholas ahava ani," Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein translates, "I am sick in love with Hashem!" How many of us can really say that? Does it hurt us that Hashem is missing from our lives? Do we feel sick with longing to be close to Hashem, have a committed relationship with Him and no other? If this was our level of ahavas Hashem how could we not do as He asks? Won't we do anything for someone we love?

Actually, this is one of the main themes of Rosh Hashana. Rabbi Wallerstein questions why we blow shofar on Rosh Hashana if the point is to commemorate akeidas Yitzchok. Why are we reminding Hashem of the ayeil that Avraham brought as a korban rather than sacrificing Yitzchok? Shouldn't it be anything but that; the ram is the recognition that Avraham didn't actually sacrifice Yitzchok!

Briefly, the answer is that we can say that akeidas Yitzchok was done out of fear of G-d. The Satan tried to stop Avraham from bringing Yitzchok, but at the point when it became apparent that Avraham was willing and ready to sacrifice his son, the pasuk says, "Atah yadati ki yarei elokim atah." But Avraham was not going to stop at that! He could have very well taken his son and gone home. Hashem told him what to do, he did it, Hashem then told him to stop. He was yotzei! But no! "Hashem! You told me to bring a korban; I'm not going to go home until I've brought you a korban! " This was Avraham's undying love of Hashem. The Satan could not bear to see this, so while the ayeil was running toward Avraham, the Satan wrapped it in thorns and vines, making it a teircha for Avraham to reach. Yiras Elokim the Satan can handle, but ahavas Hashem is that much greater.

We do teshuva out of fear, our aveiros get erased, but when we do teshuva out of ahava, they become mitzvos! Not only can they not testify against us in shamyim, they become advocates for us! And this is the power of akeidas Yitzchok. So, yes, it makes sense that we blow shofar, the horn of a ram. The ayeil commemorates the ahavas Hashem that Avraham portrayed. It is even stronger than the actual willingness to sacrifice Yitchok, because this sacrifice was out of ahava.

It is for this reason that blowing shofar causes Hashem to k'vyachol to get up from his keisay din and switch to his keisay rachamim. If we love Hashem, He will give us everything we need. If we really need something, we'll get it, because G-d gives each and everyone one of us everything we need to flourish in this world. 

Perhaps this Rosh Hashana davening's focus can be to foster your relationship with HK"BH by recognizing Who is Melech (king) and how privileged you are to have a special relationship with Him.

Ksiva V'chasima Tova and Shana Tova U'Mesuka!

Untying the Knot

Can we untie the knot that asphyxiates us with all this social pressure –– the feeling of needing life to be exactly as we always imagined it? Marriage is great, sure, says O'Shea, but not when it's about conformity, not when it toys with our sense of self. It causes singles to feel bad about themselves just because they're not part of the exclusive club, and it causes people to mindlessly marry just to fit with society's expectations. From the time we're little society places chains around our necks, which threaten to strangle us before we take our first steps.

Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.

Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.

O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...

Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.

Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.

Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.

One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.

And So He Lives Happily Ever After

"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.

I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."

She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.

"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."

Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.

O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."

When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.

It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.

Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)

Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")

Stay tuned.

Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.

I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.

As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.

One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...

1. Be Impeccable with your Word 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally 

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don’t Make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best 

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.

In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.

On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.

1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.

You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)

O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.

A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.

Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.

Singles Awareness Day

Valentine's Day, which according to Google, has Christian and Roman origins, is a day of romance when people exchange candy, gifts, cards, and/or flowers with their special someone. For the rest of us, just remember, you're no more single on the 14th of February than you are every other day of the year.

While roses and hearts are red, this "holiday" is mostly about green. Also according to Google and some probably inaccurate statistic, it's the day of the most candy and flower sales in the US.  It's basically one of those "holidays" that was created by greeting card companies.

Days like Valentine's Day might make single people feel sad for themselves, but the good news is that on February 15th all that chocolate that the stores didn't sell is discounted! Go get yourself some chocolate and call it a day.

Can You Relate?

"Because our relationship with Hashem is understood via the various relationships we have in this world, do we have a different responsibility in our relationship with G-d as a someone who isn't married yet?" 

Thus was the question that was posed in a Shir HaShirim class that I attend. Superficially it's a good question, really, but if you think about it just a little, it falls apart. Every relationship in this world is in a ways a means to help us understand how we are meant to relate to Hashem, but just because someone is married, does that mean s/he understands what marriage is about? Just because someone isn't married, does that mean s/he doesn't understand what marriage is about?

Rabbi Ilan Feldman, in a talk about why this generation is so uninspired and what we can do about it, talked about how there's a difference between the guy who is taking out the trash to survive in his relationship and the guy who is taking out the trash to make his marriage thrive. He compared it to how we approach our Yiddishkeit. It was a good speech and he had many good points, but that's beyond the scope of our immediate topic. The idea here is that you don't need to be married to understand his analogy.

How many people are married and don't have a good relationship with their spouse? How many people don't feel connected to/communicate with/unconditionally love their spouse, ie. recognize that it's a relationship –– a "we," not a separate me and you, and I'm engaged and I "love" you, not because really I love me/how you make me feel? 

How many people aren't married and have an understanding of what marriage is/what it's supposed to be? I'm sure there are aspects that people who are not married can't fully grasp, no matter how many serious relationships they've been in, but this is the same way that someone who is in a bad marriage doesn't get it either. 

Does someone who doesn't have parents relate differently to G-d? (Perhaps s/he does. I'm honestly curious about that.) However, do we not understand how to relate to Hashem as our Melech, because we don't have absolute monarchies nowadays? 

An Open Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

I know you're out there somewhere, you must be! I've been holding onto the image of you for a long time; it helps me get through the ups and downs of dating -- the light at the end of this tunnel that can get so dark at times. I'm hoping that when I meet you I'll understand how the "right one" is worth the wait.

It's difficult to formulate the words that I want to say to you, because I don't know who you are, so perhaps once we meet there will be so much more I want to say, and some of this will just be silently understood.

I am looking forward to a relationship of mutual love, respect, and trust. A life of loving, growing, communicating, solving problems, critical thinking, raising children who are Yarei Shamayim and Bnei Torah, sharing a home, responsibilities, a life, ideas, dreams, celebration, hopes, accomplishments, and even our fears. I am anticipating raising our family and building our home deeply rooted in Torah values and honesty. Our life we will live will be rich and dynamic, and I want to make a difference as a supportive wife and mother, as well as within the frum world at large.

I hope we have an exciting romance, but I also hope there will be days we can just chill and enjoy each others' company. You will be my best friend, my confidante, the person I can never spend too much time with, my forever. And, I will always be there for you, your moral support, your shoulder to cry on. I know most men don't like getting emotional, but when you need someone to talk to, I will always be there to take care of you.

I know our relationship may not always be perfect, but I hope you will fight for me, as I will you. I want you to be the one I turn to when things go wrong, and know that I will always be there for you when things go wrong. I hope to make you a happy you didn’t know before you met me, the kind that makes you never want to live your life without me. I hope too, that being with you, this is the kind of happy I’ll be. I hope that we can live every day remembering why we got married, that we will remain the people we respectively "fell in love" with, appreciating each other's qualities and even imperfections.

I hope that we can enjoy the simple things in life together, and that we can hold onto the things that are really important. You will be the kind of man that I'm proud to show off to my friends and family. And, I want you to be proud, happy, and excited that I’m in your life. I hope you will believe in me on the days I do not believe in myself, and love me in the times I cannot love myself.

I hope we will have the perspective to not let problems turn into disasters, pain turn into suffering. We will know that together we can work through anything if we share what's on our minds and work together, recognizing that we're the most important thing in the world for each other. I will be your best friend, always, and I will support you in your moments of weakness, celebrate in your times of success, holding your hand every step of the way...as I know you will do for me.

I hope that even after many years together, we will continue to learn each other, compliment each other, grow together, and never take the other for granted. Each day our relationship will get stronger, and we will remember the day that we got married, laughing about how we thought we knew each other back then.

I cannot wait to meet you, and until then know that I am working every day to be the person that is the most available to give and receive love, to succeed the most in a relationship.

All my love, always.

Levels of Attraction

What's behind attraction? Is it simply just "click," or are there other things at play?

I truly believe that everyone connects differently with their significant other, and the deal gets sealed with different aspects in mind for each person. Some people come from an emotional place -- they have feelings for the person, and they feel like they connect on a deeper level. Others see it intellectually -- details of a shidduch make sense to them rationally.

If we're going with the attraction (rather than as an intellectual choice) version, on the reptilian brain level, our survival mechanism, our animalistic function, we pay attention to externals. We assess looks, health, status, etc. A guy once told me that as per a Seinfeld episode, he thinks lustrious hair and rosy cheeks are important (I can't remember the rest of that list), but those are both indicators of one's health. This part is usually subconscious, unless someone places a lot of significance on externals...keeping in mind that I do think that external reflects internal (if you like who someone is as a person, you will likely find their physical appearance attractive).

On that note, our mammalian/limbic brain appraises emotional attraction. Is there trust, comfort in the relationship? Does the person match your emotional intelligence level? have a uniqueness, a je ne sais quio, that "one thing"? Is there a sense of excitement? Do you enjoy the person's company? Perhaps intelligence is really crucial for someone. "Sapiophiles" are people who are attracted to intelligence.

Then comes the logic. (Not in this particular order necessarily!) Do you have shared goals, values? Does the person treat you right? Do you like who you are in the person's company? Can you grow together?

If we use "love" as it's used in the vernacular, its stages usually go from lust/excitement, to romantic attraction/passion, to attachment/commitment, as we peel away the layers of who someone is and why we're attracted to him/her.

What Type of Dater Are You?

The Romantic -- You fiercely believe in love in its finest form and impress these feelings onto your relationships. It may result in scaring someone off, falling for the wrong person, and/or attempting to turn your life into a movie. Or, may result in some of the best, most inspiring, deepest relationships.

Romantics' types include, but are not limited to, ENFJs and ENFPs.

The Adventurer -- You seek out a life partner primarily for life's adventures, and you don't feel the need for overly romantic gestures, saccharine phrases, or deep discussions about life. May result in minimizing serious emotions and the like in favor of "just seeing where things go." Or, may result in a fun, spontaneous relationship that keeps both parties excited and satisfied.

Typically ESFPs, ESTPs.

The Serial Monogamist -- It's most uncomfortable for you to be alone. Feelings of love and romance are not virtually as strong as the Romantic's, but you have an intense need to be with someone at every stage. May result in jumping into a relationship without having gotten over another one first, settling for someone for as not to be alone, and not taking the time to figure out who you are on your own. Or, may result in powerful commitment that can help a commitment-phobe give love a real shot.

Typically ENTJs, INTPs.

The Drifter -- You generally seek solitude and freedom from "being tied down." May result in missed opportunities and treating others poorly (as you're not really that into connecting like they may be). Or, may result in a high level of self- awareness and confidence in relationships that you do choose to stay in. 

Typically INTJs, ENTPs, ISTPs.

The Cynic -- You refuse to buy into anything the movies, your friends, or your lovey-dovey grandmother has told you about love and romance. You primarily believe that most relationships are doomed and try to protect yourself when you find yourself in them. May result in holding back from expressing your feelings, mostly expecting things to go wrong, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or, may result in amazing loyalty once you do let someone in because you do this so infrequently and take it very seriously.

Typically INFJs, ISFJs, ISFPs.

The Loyalist -- Your greatest strength when it comes to love is your devotion. You're not as idealistic as the Romantic, but you probably will fall much more deeply when it happens. May result in getting stuck in the past, overlooking a partner's flaws, and, honestly, allowing yourself to get walked all over. Or, may result in special capacity to forgive and let things go, lending space to heal and create a super strong bond.

Typically ISTJs, ESTJs.

The Dreamer -- You view romance and relationships as the ultimate act of self-fulfillment, seeking constant change and growth. May result in a perpetual desire to define and improve relationships and lose faith when relationships doesn't turn out exactly as you imagined. Or, may result in incredibly deep romantic connections and emotional bonds. 

Typically INFPs, ESFJs.

Obviously, life experience plays a large part in molding your Dater persona. For this reason, you may find that you exhibit a combination of these characteristics and can't define yourself by one type. Also, your personality type may not place you in a category here, as your Myers-Briggs traits aren't typically expressed. And of course, you may not have bought into pop culture, and so you don't not have any of these above notions about love and romance.

Obsessed with Shidduchim

Around every frum Shabbos table, coffee table, and even pool table, "shidduchim" is constantly talked and debated about. Frum literature discusses the topic to death. A large percentage of this year's Sukkos (really every year's every yuntif) magazines' fiction stories for light reading entertainment are about dating and marriage.

Why are we so infatuated with the subject? 

Granted, we live in a culture that is obsessed with love. If you turn on the radio you hear love song following love song. Romance movies are likely the highest grossing films, and in almost every novel you pick off the shelf, the protagonist has a love interest.

Is "shidduchim" our "kosher" version of this?

Humans are hardwired for connection; neuroscience proves it. Psychology too suggests that love and relationships are super important. One corroboration is psychologist Abraham Maslow's “hierarchy of needs” theory, which outlines innate human necessities of psychological health culminating in self-actualization or fulfillment. His hierarchy of needs places love and belonging directly following physiological needs such as oxygen, food, water, sleep, etc, and physical safety needs like shelter, physical health, etc. Love and belonging is a basic necessity that must be met before a person can begin to achieve other higher needs.

Dr. Brene Brown is well-known for her research on human connection: our capacity to love, empathize, and belong. She talks about how as an infant connection is survival, but as one matures, connection becomes about thriving emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually. 

Perhaps we're obsessed with other people's love lives because we’re wired to connect; we want to love, be loved, belong. Connection is extremely powerful, tremendously important to our health and happiness, so we're interested how this happens. If we aren't reading romance genre fiction, then our sensationalized frum literature will have to do. 

Or maybe we just like to read, and talk, about contemporary issues, and shidduchim sure hits that requirement.

It's may be entertainment for frum society at large, but this is our life. Some respect please.

Aseres Y'mei Teshuva = A Honeymoon Period: Does Dating Parallel Our Relationship with G-d During the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva?

Despite my earlier misgiving about this time of year and my capacity to connect with Yiddishkeit and G-d, I've come to realize these past few days of powering through, working extra hard to fight off obstacles, that I'm enjoying this closeness with Hashem. It's a lot of work, and I know I can't keep it up like this year-round, but for now it's working for me.

At this level, this might be a terrible analogy to dating and relationships. Taken at face value, this would mean that we put our best foot forward while dating someone, and then we let things slide after awhile when it gets too hard. In essence that would mean that the best period in your relationship is when you first start dating. Bear with me, this is only a portion of the comparison here.

Of course you must represent your best self when you begin dating someone. At the outset, when you're learning each other, there is no bigger picture to see, and each idiosyncrasy and pink flag gets judged on its own merit. There's a certain respect we show the other person by putting ourselves together and behaving (at least for the first couple of dates). It's similar to what you do for a job interview, or what we do during the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva.

It isn't fake. Borrowing mashalim that you've probably heard multiple times, you love the dirty smelly child after he comes home from a hot day playing in the mud the same as you love that child when he's fresh out of a bath. After the bath though, he's that much more cute and delicious. The kallah gets all made up and dresses to the nines for her wedding day even if a few years later she's wearing shmattas streaked in whatever the baby is eating, still struggling to lose the baby weight from her last pregnancy, no make up and no sheitel now her new face. We're showing what we can be when we put out our best effort.

Tangentially, it's important to be yourself while dating and not misrepresent yourself in the name of putting your best foot forward. It's still gotta be your own foot. For those that find dating intimidating and unnatural because you feel like you can't be yourself for this reason, I'm going to suggest that you loosen up a little. There's a difference between behaving and being stilted, but also, being genuine versus being socially inappropriate.

As a personal example, I was recently sharing an appetizer with a guy on a beginning date. He was using silverware. I said, "I feel like this is finger food." He responded, "It is," but continued using his fork and knife. I used my fingers. (I guess you can't really trust me to behave on dates; I'm just going to be myself.)

As for being genuine, that would refer to saying something like, "I had a really nice time tonight," or "To be honest with you, I was actually pretty nervous coming into this date." It puts it out there and you can feel better about it once s/he knows. Socially inappropriate would be to say to someone you've just met, "You know, I couldn't stop thinking about you since we spoke on the phone." There's something pathological and creepy about that. Keep it to yourself until you have an actual relationship with the person, and then if you must, you can share something like that with him/her.

Back to my point, while dating, and oftentimes a little while into a relationship, things are easy, cordial and passionate, and less work. As things get realer and deeper, it's not as easy, and a lot more work is required. This applies to the honeymoon phase of any situation really -- romantic, spiritual, medical, political, etc.

There are certain times in our lives that we experience quick (artificial) highs, which help us sense what can be ours, but the high is, in reality, just as elusive. It is fleeting and means nothing if it's not followed up by real work. A synthetic sense of exhilaration or euphoria only lasts as long as the agent does. If you want to make this feeling your own, you need to work for it.

This concept exists in many different forms within Torah Judaism. First and foremost, it reflects our relationship with Hashem. During the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva, Motzei Yom Kippur, or during other times of hisorerus, such as situations where we see blatant yad Hashem, we feel extremely close to G-d, but this feeling soon dissipates; we have a hard time maintaining this feeling of closeness. We want the happiness and intimacy of someone in a serious, loving, trusting, relationship, for this is the ultimate joy, but it's elusive. We have difficulty attaining this lasting authentic relationship with G-d. Thus, during the Yamim Noraim or at other times such as these that we feel heightened closeness to Hashem finds us asking ourselves what it's all worth; is it all merely a charade? Is the euphoria we feel during the beginning of a blossoming romantic relationship a sham?

Indeed, what holds us back from procuring this genuine relationship with Hashem? How do we create this authentic relationship with a potential marriage partner? We are able to experience superficial love without investment, but a real relationship requires work. As every relationship in this world is meant so we can understand some aspect of our relationship with G-d, let's speak first about what happens when two people fall head over heels for each other in the beginning of a relationship. Most of the time they believe that this infatuation will last forever. They think about the other person before they go to sleep at night, and s/he is the first thing they think about when they wake up in the morning. Everything in their life becomes about this other person. And, they reckon that this love will endure a lifetime. But it doesn't, and it's not meant to.

Rabbi Jeremy Kagan, in his book The Choice to Be: A Jewish Path to Self and Spirituality, explains that love in its raw form is selfish. It is about viewing the other as an extension of self. For there to be unification one needs to sacrifice part of his individuality. He is transformed from "single person" to "that in a relationship." You cannot chance upon real love, a genuine relationship. You can only find the potential for a real love; the relationship needs to be built. The infatuation, the inspiration, dissipates and the relationship then needs to be rebuilt.

This is not a negative thing; it is how it is meant to be. The original relationship serves the purpose of one becoming familiar with what is possible, and it works as a means to make it easier to reach that madreiga again. Rabbi Benzion Klatzko speaks about this concept. He calls it "Or Rishon" (first light) and "Or Sheini" (second light). He explains that or rishon is blinding, dazzling, very intense, but it doesn't last. Or sheini is not as intense. It's more soothing, more calm, more work to achieve, more incremental, but it has the potential to last a lifetime.

Kabbalas HaTorah was loud, monumentous. There were kolos u'vrakim, and Hashem Himself proclaimed the first dibrah. The people were so overcome, they fainted. But this didn't last! Forty days later Klal Yisroel was dancing around an egel. And then, we received the luchos sh'neiyos in a very quiet unassuming way. These we have until this very day. Another example, people get all inspired learning in Israel, be them baalei teshuva or run-of-the-mill sem girls and yeshiva guys. Very rarely does this fire stay, at least in its full glory. People come back to the States and it all but peters out. They might be doing the same things, davening, learning, doing chesed, but it just doesn't feel the same. Israel was or harishon, dazzling and intense, and later it's or hasheini, less flashy but more real, harder to attain but easier to hold onto.

Another better known example is how a fetus is taught kol hatorah kula while it is inside its mother's womb. Before the infant is born, the malach sent to teach the child taps the baby above the lip, and it forgets everything it was taught. The person then has to toil to relearn all that Torah during his lifetime.

Why doesn't or rishon last? What is the point of learning the whole Torah if it is to be forgotten only to be relearned? Rabbi Klatzko answers that or rishon is a gift, it carves out space within us for or sheini. Without or rishon we cannot attain or sheini. It is true for Torah, and it is true for relationships. When we experience what it is like to be "madly in love," feel extremely close to someone or something, it will keep us going when the going gets tough. We know what we're working for, because he once had it. Or rishon, unlike or sheini, cannot last because it wasn't worked for.

We can get close to Hashem and stay close to Him. We have this ability to follow it down, just as the honeymoon phase of a romantic relationship is not the end-all-and-be-all. We keep going, plugging away if we have to, because the relationship is important to us. Perhaps why we cannot feel the unadulterated happiness of true d'veikus to G-d is mostly because we do not invest enough, we get stuck somewhere, and we lose sight of where the road is and what our goal is. All relationships take work.

Rosh Hashana: Connecting Through Ahava

I’ve heard the sentiment that people may think that there are two different G-ds, that Yiddishkeit is two different religions. I’m not speaking of factions of Judaism; rather, what I speak of is the two very different atmospheres in shul on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur versus that on Simchas Torah and Purim. Extremely different approaches to G-d and life, and yet, it’s the same religion, and it’s the same G-d.

How are we supposed to relate to Hashem? Is it through this fear of eternal damnation, or this tremendous love that He has for us? Are these two different approaches perhaps meant for different times in history? Are we too weak at this point in time to be able to withstand this yirah-style avoda? Nowadays, most people do not deign to use punishment and instead utilize positive reinforcement, because children, and people in general, respond to that approach more positively. Someone uses physical punishment, and it’s termed abuse. The “victim” then rebels against everything that person stands for.

Perhaps I make it sound uncalled for and even ridiculous, but it’s a real phenomenon. We just aren’t the same people who withstood scoldings and beatings and only came away with renewed vigor to do the right thing. I could go into the psychology of it, but that’s a discussion beyond the scope of this post. The question here that I’m trying to understand is that of is connecting to Hashem through ahava a stira with connecting to Him through yirah? Can they go hand in hand? Is our generation capable of really feeling true yirah and using this to grow spiritually and connect with HK"BH?

Fiery speeches about gehenom have not been broadly used to motivate us to do what’s right. Instead, most popular contemporary baalei mussar have appealed to us through the venue of Hashem’s love for us. We definitely need to know that there is right and wrong, and that there are consequences for our actions. Hashem loves us unconditionally, but He has expectations of us. He knows where we stand in life, and He gives us challenges only for our benefit. However, He wants us to pass these tests. He cares about us failing to do the right thing.

On Rosh Hashanah we daven for many things. We ask for life, for happiness, for Hashem to shower us with His goodness. If He loves us so much wouldn’t He just give to us pro bono? The answer is yes and no. Hashem gives much of what we have for free. Nothing we can do in this world can make us deserve everything that Hashem has blessed us with. But, the answer is also no. Hashem wants us to daven, to connect to Him, to do His mitzvos. It is not for Hashem’s benefit, however. It is for ours. Hashem doesn’t need to do this accounting of us every year. He is omniscient; He doesn’t have to pass us under a staff like a flock a sheep to be aware of what we’ve done this year. Instead, this audit, so to speak, is for our benefit, to make sure that we stay on track. Aside from gaining eternal reward, which is ultimately the purpose of this transient existence, we have a much better Olam Hazeh if we follow the Torah.

This all being said, I think we can conclude that yiraas shamyim and ahavas Hashem are closely intertwined. The yirah is an awareness of s'char v'onesh and a sense of right and wrong; the ahava can be an outlook and a means to achieve the awareness. Many baalei mussar tell us that fear comes first and the love afterward, because fear of punishment is a greater motivator. However, nowadays, I think fear elicits rebellion or confusion. Yes, yira is important, but perhaps ahava can accomplish the same thing.

If we aren’t trembling thinking about the Yom HaDin, can I venture that that’s okay? We may not be on that level, but hopefully we will reach an awareness that works for us. We have to keep in mind that this is the same G-d that we rejoice with on Sukkos and Simchas Torah. This is the same religion in which we party on Purim (Yom Kippur is “Yom K’Purim,” a day like Purim; the spirituality is so great on Purim). Two different approaches, all leading us to the same means. If you can’t connect through fear, connect through love.

To me, because this year was so hard for me (I admit, it mostly had to do with dating; I guess that's what makes this post relevant.), and I thought I davened well last Yamim Noraim, it's hard for me to do it all over again. If it's really true that everything that is going to happen during the year is being decided on Rosh Hashana, how do I go into this optimistically when I feel like it's the same thing year after year? Finding that love is hard when I feel like I'm asking for something that if Hashem really loved me I wouldn't still need to be asking for at this point, and I know I've backed away a bit from the yirah...

The avoda for Rosh Hashana is being mamlich Hashem melech, pronouncing Him king. He is our Father, our King. He wants what is best for us, and He wants a connection to us. That's what I know I need to focus on.

Ksiva V'chasima Tova!

Science Says Mutual Vulnerability Leads to Love: Does Shidduch Dating Give Us an Edge?

There's been a lot of buzz regarding psychologist Aron's 36 Questions experiment, which explores how to foster interpersonal closeness between two strangers. He proposes that having two people share increasingly personal information with each other mirrors the manner in which two people develop emotional intimacy. 

The study involves a heterosexual man and woman meeting for the first time in a lab. They sit together answering a series of personal questions, and then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The result? Six months later, the two participants got married.

The study's author explains, "One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure." In other words, vulnerability leads to closeness. By forcing people to be open and emotionally vulnerable with each other, this encourages closeness.

Mandy Len Catron writes an article for the NY Times, To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This, in which she relates her personal experience with Aron's 36 Questions. She tells how an old college buddy says to her, “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone?” They decided to give The 36 Questions a shot. Catron shares that her personal experiment taught her that love doesn't just happen to us; it's more malleable than you might think. She says,

It’s true you can’t choose who loves you . . . and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.

But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.

If all this is accurate, does the fast-paced, goal oriented style that we date engender vulnerability like Aron's Questions? Are these feelings "real," or are we just confusing this intensity with "liking" the person? Is this feeling sustainable when real life kicks in? Can you really love anyone as long as some basic prerequisites are present?

Perhaps the fact that shidduch dating is just more focused is what's at play here. Maybe removing a large aspect of physical compatibility from the equation while dating helps to foster more genuine emotional closeness quicker.

Trust, emotional intimacy, comfortability, are all important in a relationship, but there are a lot of other things that are important in a "forever" relationship too. Perhaps those conditions aren't so basic, but if met, then yes, being able to be vulnerable with someone can definitely lead to what we kids call love nowadays.

The "Click" Feeling (vs. "Love at First Sight")

Ah, the elusive "click."

What is this "click"? Can it be cultivated or must it be present from the beginning? Is it enough to build a relationship on? Do you need this feeling to tie the knot?

Awhile back I remember talking to someone about what they are seeking in a spouse/relationship. "Basically," they told me, "a good normal person, someone I 'click' with. That's it."

The romantic in me understands this (to a point), but the logical rational analytical side of me tells me that there is something beneath this"click" feeling. Especially when you're dating shidduch-style (and you must answer over and over again "what are you 'looking for'?") it may be important and helpful to figure out your "recipe."

Based upon my own relationships, friendships included, I can say there are definitely people I click with right away, and there are some that take a bit longer, but we can have just as meaningful and comfortable of a relationship. There are some people that I remember feeling like I wanted to be friends with right when I met them, while other friendships were brought about by shared experiences, perspectives, and circumstance.

The "click" feeling I'm referring to is not "love at first sight." Sorry to be a bubble-burster, but that does not exist in real life. That, folks, is what we call lust, often engendered by all the wrong reasons, and it falls apart.

Dutton and Aron's 1974 Love on a Suspension Bridge experiment  in which people were approached on a suspension bridge swaying 250 feet in the air, and they were given the phone number of the assistant that had approached them, showed that these people followed up with the assistants more than their counterpart who were approached on a solid wood bridge just 10 feet above a calm brook. These results were attributed to the fear arousal that the first group of people felt as they crossed the suspension bridge, the feeling that was misinterpreted as romantic excitement. This is a good example of "love at first sight," a false sense of excitement that can be attributed to various things, usually which have little to do with developing a healthy relationship.

To take this idea a bit further, recognize how fledgling love is selfish. Because real love, mature love, inherently comes from giving to the other person, love for someone when you first meet him/her is more of a "I love how you make me feel." This can be built upon, but it is in no ways the love that a good relationship thrives on.

While this "click" feeling is something that is often confused as "love at first sight," in reality it's a level of attraction that is based on various factors, and perhaps, ultimately, comes down to chemistry and maybe even pheromones. Therefore, as I understand it, it can only be analyzed to a point, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

The "click" appeal in a relationship has a lot to do with feelings of comfortability, similarity, mutual trust, and effortless communication. In other words, people feel like they "talk the same language," meaning s/he feels like the other just "gets" him/her. Contributing factors to this include shared backgrounds, experiences, and/or similar Weltanschauung.

Under duress of a well-meaning shadchan -- I was asked to explain why I didn't get along with/didn't like a particular guy I had gone out with a few times -- I set out to understand what didn't work between this guy and me and why. On paper things seemed perfect, but in person, despite that he was seeing rainbows and hearts, I was extremely bored and just didn't feel like we connected at all. After analyzing his personality, my personality, what we both think we need, and our interactions, I came to an understanding that he just didn't have a particular attribute that is essential for me in any meaningful relationship. Because of this, I believe, I just didn't like him. I couldn't connect with him. My dating experience has taught me that there are specific characteristics that work for me and some that just don't.

I think had I dated this guy sometime earlier on in my shidduch career, I probably would have gone out with him longer and given things more of a chance to blossom. Because I now have more insight into all this, because I understand my "recipe" a bit better, I have a more accurate idea of what has the potential to work and what does not. (That's not to say that I don't still give guys a chance even if we don't click right away. Hey, I might surprise myself; I'm always trying to stay positive and open here!)

I know that when I'm in a relationship (that's working for us), I feel a certain sense of safety and security, as well as there is no concept of time, meaning we can spend hours together and not get bored of each other. These aren't aspects per se that I look for in a relationship, but when they're there, this for me is part of our "click." Everyone's "click" feeling is something different. Essentially it's a feeling of mutual attraction, understanding, and ease in the relationship.

Not everyone has this "click" initially with their spouse. It can be developed as trust, understanding, and comfortability grow. Because a majority of these are based upon logical things like shared hashkafos, goals, values, communication, etc., there is often a natural progression, an easiness, if you will, that affects this.

I've found too that not everyone will have this contentedness or easiness in their relationship even after awhile, and their decision to marry their spouse will come from a more logical place. Things match up, they can check aspects off their list (more on lists a different time!), so to speak, and it just makes sense.

Please please keep in mind that sometimes the person you fall for/like right away can be for all the wrong reasons, and you must pay attention to the logical aspects of the relationships as well. "Click" is not love, it's an easiness and comfort. Even if it is "love," love does not conquer all! Passion fades and then you're left with the technicalities. If you don't have shared goals and values it doesn't matter how much you like your spouse. On the other hand, it's super important that you really like the person you marry, because things change, and when push comes to shove and you have to work conflicts out, you need to have a solid foundation to be building from.

"Click" is a chemistry that is often promoted by mutual understanding and shared outlook. It's an easiness that comes from understanding each other, and it can be present from the beginning of a relationship, or it can be nurtured. "Click" doesn't always exist, and alone it's probably not enough to seal the deal.