Be True to You

Stay strong
And be true
Stay disciplined
Be you

Don't let life
Bog you down
With all its
Valleys and its crowns

Keep trucking
Along
Write your own lyrics
To your song

Live life
With intention
Don't just coast
Not paying attention

No decision
Is a choice too
Just 'cuz it's hard
Doesn't mean it's out of true

We're all in own cars
Even if on the same street
Different experiences
Punching a different time sheet

You only have
One life to live
So much to do
All this to give

Staircase

a

trek up

a winding staircase

finding no end in sight

it truly seems to go on and on

forever and ever and ever and ever

taking a short, brief breather on a landing

to begin the hike again without very much respite

an elevator at the very next landing, merely but a mirage

dragging a big bag packed with essentials for the destination

if only I could get to that place at some point, hopefully very soon

perhaps the down escalator that I am scaling will suddenly switch to up

until then I heft my heavy bursting haversack over my shoulder and brace myself

I wonder where I will get the supplies to continue the journey without tapping out or giving up

but I continue because what choice do I have and where else do I go from here, stuck in the middle of nowhere

One Check, Two, Gray Checks, Blue

One check
Two
Gray checks
Blue

Multiple past promises of
"I'm always here for you."

"Always here if you need to vent,"
"Really, don't spare me any of your discontent."

Online
Last seen a minute ago
Online
Last seen not a minute ago

Experiencing all this
Stress and fear
Needing you
You said you'd be there

Every inane thing I said
You always sent a reply
Now when I'm going through rough times
What happened to that guy?

I hate how I let you
Mess with my head
Wondering why you're ignoring me
Wishing I didn't care instead

Making me wonder did I do something wrong
Why did you stop answering me
We seemed to be, quite nicely,
Getting along

Will I know tomorrow
Will you answer me
Or is this it
Is this all we will be

Today Is The Tomorrow You Worried About Yesterday

How significant it all seems
All the importance we put on things
Preconceptions and judgements matter so much
Perspective is so powerful
Yesterdays look different today, today will too tomorrow

But we live in the here and now
Different things do matter
All this feels important now
You do get through it though

Rainy Daze

Watching the rain cascade down the windowpane, the world a little darker, outlines a little blurrier.
Never knowing when the rain will stop, but knowing that it will.
Recognizing that everything needs rain in order to grow.
Reflecting on how the rain softens the earth, leaving it ripe for new growth.
Appreciating how rainy days provide an excuse to seek comfort from the storm.
Giving permission to the rain to wash away all that's unwanted.
Realizing it isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but making your own sunshine.

Finding My Way Back

Wish my heart would stop beating
Me up
Wish my head would follow
My heart
Wish this wasn't
So complicated
Wish I could
Make sense of it all

Wish I felt I had a place
In my own life
Wish I could find the page
Where I left off

You took me down
To build me back up again
Dragged me around
But all by my own doing

This story I'm writing
Could be called fiction
Though waking up is hard to do
Falling asleep's impossible too

Trying to put
The pieces back together
Feeling hopeless
But hopeful
Lost and searching
For some new light in this dark tunnel

If You Want Something, Ask

Looking back, we probably should have taken a break when he went on vacation for two weeks while we were at an awkward stage in our relationship. Instead, we ended up doing a lot of texting and the occasional call or video call when he had some spare time. That ended in disaster. We had some major misunderstandings, and we ended up arguing. I guess what it really boiled down to was the expectations we had, unshared, unvoiced, but expected all the same.

One fine day while he was on vacation and he knew I was traveling (driving with passengers, so not much ability there for communication), he later told me that he was so mad that I hadn't texted him all day. He was playing a game of chicken, waiting for me to reach out, not going to be the one to initiate contact "all the time."

Honestly, I didn't feel like we needed to talk/text every single day, and he was on vacation, I truthfully didn't want to bother him. I was also busy. If I had something I wanted specifically to share with him, I would, and did, but that particular day I did not. I figured he would touch base if he wanted to, and if not, we would check in later that day probably before we went to sleep just to say hey. If not, we would talk/text the next day.

Later that evening I sent him a picture of something I was working on for him. (I shouldn't have been...the things we do for the people we think we have obligations to. But that's a different discussion entirely.) He later told me that he took that as an olive branch. I hadn't reached out to him all day, so this was my way of apologizing. He was still really mad at me for not talking to him.

"I know you were traveling and busy today, but you were "online" on WhatsApp..."

Are you kidding me? Just send me a message if you wanted to talk!

Why complicate life?

Missing somebody?…Call

Wanna meet up?…Invite

Wanna be understood?…Explain

Have questions?…Ask

Don’t like something?…Say it

Like something?…State it

Want something?…Ask for it

Love someone?…Tell it

We just have one life, keep it simple.

Guys and girls alike: people aren't mind readers. He probably won't pick up on your subtleties. If something is wrong, you need to say so. "Fine," doesn't mean "I'm not okay. Please probe." You can't expect her to know that you want her to do something unless you tell her. Communication is key even if you think the other person knows, or should know, what to do or what you want. If you want something, ask. What do you lose?

It's All A Game

Sometimes I feel like my life is one long game of Calvinball. 

Make up the rules as you go along. 

No two rules can be the same. 

Adapt. 

Accept rules from each player introduced. 

Try to capture the flag. 

Use any piece of equipment as you see fit to score points. 

Get messy sometimes. 

Feel crazy sometimes. 

Apologize. 

Let people know when you are hurt.

Stand up for yourself.

Maybe dodge bullets.

Maybe listen to other people's advice.

But don't lose your own voice.

Don't overthink trivial things.

Let people in.

Let people out.

Juggle all your balls equally ––

Work, family, health, friends, integrity.

Except work.

Work is a rubber ball that will bounce back up if you drop it.

The others are made of glass.

They will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, or even shatter.*

Be smart.

Don't burn bridges.

Smile.

Work hard.

Make a difference.

Work towards a goal.

Shrug at idiosyncrasies. 

Color outside the lines.

Agree with your imagination.

If you can dream it, make it happen.

Live on the edge.

Choose with no regret.

Be true to yourself.

Love freely.

Live passionately.

Follow your "what ifs."

Maintain your dignity.

Don't be afraid to change.

Enjoy the journey.

Have the courage to talk about how you feel.

Show up and be seen.

Ask for what you need.

Don't step on other people's toes.

Know when you need to take a time-out.

Take them frequently.

Love yourself.

Let this love spill over to others.

Do your best.

Then do it again.

Never make assumptions.

And don't take things personally.

Own the moment.

Don't get too caught up to enjoy the sunsets.

Never settle.

Always challenge yourself.

Break down barriers.

Dance in the rain.

Sing along to the songs.

Indulge yourself often.

But not too often.

Check every so often that you're headed in the right direction.

Choose your partner wisely.

Help others.

But not if it hurts you.

Laugh.

Learn.

Repeat.

Play nice.

Be the author of your story.

If you get a chance, take it.

Ride the waves.

Keep fighting. 

Don't forget to have fun!

If life is a game...

*Original quote attributed to James Patterson

Riding Out the Storm

You stood beside me waiting patiently in line for the Ride of Life.
I listened and empathized with you as you shared with me how nervous you were to get on the ride again.
You squeezed my hand as we boarded the car.
And I, yours.
You reminded me to fasten my seatbelt and lower the safety bar.
I reached over to help you with yours.

We shared a grin as the ride ascended slowly.
We screamed together as the car swiveled and dropped.
We coasted for a bit.
Your car got separated from mine.
I called to you, wanting to make sure you were okay.
You hollered back.
All was okay.

You attached your car to mine again.
My car climbed some pretty steep inclines.
It took some pretty extreme drops.
You asked me to let you off of my roller coaster.

I did.

I get that you can't stomach my ride.
Too many ups and downs.
Too many highs and lows.
Too many false starts and stops.

It's hard for me too.

I know you've been on the ride longer.
I know your own loops and twirls are hard enough.

I don't need you in my car.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
But I do want you to be there.
I do want to share my life with you.

Coasting without connecting, without sharing the ride, it's superficial.
We both know that.
We both feel that.
Maybe that's why it's been hard to navigate.
Maybe that's why I feel like I'm in this alone.

I'm riding out this storm...
Yes, you might get struck by lightning if you hold an umbrella.
But I would do it for you.

And Again

Dangling there

But you can't have it 

It's not for you

Why did you think it was

Take me high

Just to bring me down

Make me question

This

Is it still worth it

Do I have a choice

Did I ever

Just keep at it

Now what 

I'm all tapped out

Followed my heart 

Down a rabbit hole

Rode the ups

Now paying the price

Wondering if there is some way

Out

Life feels so cruel sometimes

It's not fair

It's not easy

It's not meant to be

Where to find the strength

To get through this

Where to find the power

To make this into a lesson

It's Just A Rock

It's just a rock
Procured from deep inside a time warp
One I got lost in
Can anyone else really understand 

I've kept the rock with me

It's grounding
A reminder of sorts
I'm not sure I want to remember
I don't know how to forget
To turn off the movie
Lower the sound
Get a grip on time
Make sense of everything
Go back to how things were
Does that me even exist anymore
It's the starting over that's the hardest
Something right now I can't even imagine doing
If only life came with a "fast forward" button
Help this healing progress faster
How can so short a experience change me so much
Moving forward
However slow my pace
Learning to live again
Letting go
It's just a rock

Better to Have Loved and Lost?

I handed you my heart
You let me in
I walked away
No way you could win

Better to have loved and lost?
I'd prefer to have loved and won
Something perhaps to consider
Now that it's all said and done

I went all in
Now I'm done and out
At some points I'm clear
Other moments plagued with doubt

So hard to lose you
Harder to lose myself in us
Don't want to feel like I'm settling
You deserve someone who loves all of you, plus

Don't want to be like
Into you I'm pouring my all
And you accept it
But the difference it makes is small

I don't want to play with your feelings
Just because I'm unsure of my own
I needed to let you go
Get out of the zone

You're left holding a part of me
I would like to believe
Similarly, I can't figure out how
This piece of your heart I have you can retrieve

So take good care of it
No matter what happens next
You're forever a part of my story
And not just another ex

One Heartbreak Closer To Happily Ever After

Immediate connection
Shared wit and banter
Leading towards
Happily ever after
...or devastation and disaster?

Deal-breakers
Heartbreaker
Why do I feel like
Such a faker

Expectations
Aspirations
Communication
Frustrations

So short
But so long
Now hearing, on repeat,
The haunting melody of our song

So close
Yet so far
How did we get to
Where it is that we are

When all you can give
Isn't enough
All disappearing
With just a puff

Letting go is so hard
But holding on is too
Especially when you know
Something is not right for you

So much to say
No words to describe
At loss to communicate
What I'm feeling inside

Our music crescendos
As I walk away
Making me wonder if instead of folding
I should have played

Ghoster

You promised me the world
Then took off and ran
Why you left so abruptly
I still don't understand

Maybe you thought you couldn't be
Good enough for me
But it's not about "worthy"
You're great as is - honestly

You threw me away
Like a used plastic bag
I really want closure
But I won't be a nag

I know this has got
Mostly to do with you
But why is it that what we had
You now totally eschew

I don't know where your head is
If you think about me at all
But I still wonder about
What specifically was our eight ball

I'm stuck at getting through the day
With a fake smile on my face
Trying so desperately
This pain to erase

As far as broken records go
This one is stuck the most
I continue to think about you acting,
For all-intents-and-purposes, like a ghost

As much as I can rationally understand
That it isn't anything that I did
It still really hurts that one day we were great
And the next you were totally off the grid

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part
That you'll contact me one day
But without some sort of ending
Closure for me is faraway

Perhaps it will take another
Who will take your place in my heart
But even then I will wonder
What caused you to depart

Where are you now
And where are you headed
How will I extract this piece of you from within me
Where it is so deeply embedded

How is it that you
Affected me so
But you could simply, without goodbye,
Head out and just go

Do you think about me at all
Remember what we had
Or doesn't your life leave room for that
Are things really that bad

You were the one to start all this
To say all these things that I believed
Why is it that now I'm the one
That is left feeling so aggrieved

Am I ever going to know
What went through your head
Am I ever going to know
Why it is you fled?

And Life Goes On

This was written by a friend. I think she hit so many real sentiments I had to post it.

When you settle into married life
While I'm still looking for the one man who will call me his wife

When you hear you're expecting you're thrilled to finally almost have it all
While I'm still waiting for a reference to return my call

When you give birth, a family at last,your heart is filled with joy and song
While I'm hopeful this boy will be the one that will make me belong

When your life becomes busier than ever and your baby keeps you up late
All while I'm still waiting to hear back from the shadchan after another first date

When you rejoice that he has finally learned to crawl
While for me it didn't work out and I don't have the tears left to bawl

When the years fly by you can't believe it's time for his first day of school, it can't be so
While I'm still back, or so it sometimes seems, where I started more than a decade ago

When he gets up and leins at his bar mitzva, you cry, your big boy, an adult, you can't believe it's your son
While I'm trying so hard not to give up and say that I'm done

When everyone wishes you mazel tov your heart swells with the nachas you are reaping that you know can't be fulfilled any other way
While I wait and wait and just continue to pray

🐠 Just Keep Swimming 🐠

If the world is an ocean

Where is my oar

In want of a life vest 

Tossed head over heels relentlessly

Struggling to catch a breath

Saltwater on my face

The sea glitters teasingly around me

Am I meant to just keep swimming

And they said the Titanic was unsinkable

But the waves never quit kissing the shoreline

Even as they're sent away again and again

Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis

Someone sent this to me, and I had to repost it. Go ahead and click on the link; take a few minutes to read Rochel Spangenthal's "Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis." It won't disappoint.

Singing Some Songs II

This starts here

Credit to @singledoutwarrior

TTO: Maybe [Annie]

Maybe far away or maybe real nearby
He may be learning in yeshiva
He may be a working guy

Maybe in a day
Or maybe in a while
He may be going through his long list
Looking right at your profile

Betcha he's tall
Betcha he's slim
Betcha he's got all the qualities within

Betcha he's good, why wouldn't he be
His only mistake was not finding me

So maybe now it's time
Maybe when I date
He'll be there calling me baby
Maybe

TTO: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

Yaakov Yitzchok Yehuda Yoeli Tzvi
His name could be my name too
Whenever we go out the shadchan always shouts
Yaakov Yitzchok Yehuda Yoeli Tzvi - which basheret will it be?
Ba da da da dun

Sometimes I Just Want to Give Up

Sometimes I just want to give up ––

Just to give up on everything, leave, start a new life somewhere far far away.

I hate this battle.

I hate that it requires me to fight every day on the front lines, and I have nothing to show for it.

I walk the line every day between throwing in the towel and seeing how much more I can take.



At these times I try so hard to remember what I'm fighting for and why I haven't given up until now.

I can't just throw it all away, everything I've put into this up to this point.

We leave not because things are hard, but because things are no longer worth it.

So, I'll fight alone if I have to.

My reserves are low, but it only takes one spark to make an explosion, right?

My Circuitous Labyrinth Repost

Here's a personal favorite. Written in early 2013, I still think this way all the time.