Let's talk about this blog's title.
What's the battle? Where's the battle? Why do I think I'm a warrior? Who is fighting?
Okay, so clearly, shidduchim is not a battle, nor a battlefield, in a literal sense. It isn't a fight. But I do feel like this stage of my life is often a struggle for my own sanity, my own sense of self, my own confidence in myself and what I'm doing, and a battle of wits (sometimes).
If we really have to break it down (though I personally like the ambiguity in it, because it leaves something for each of you to interpret), the warriors are the singles who are forced into the foray of battle. Regardless whether they want to fight or not, regardless of whether they've found their armor or not, they will take hits. Maybe not all. Maybe some will get to the other side unscathed, but if they are forced to stay in this war long enough, they will have to nurse some wounds at some point.
The fight is for self. The fight is for not losing what is dear to one's sense of worth, his values. Perhaps a tad dramatic, yes, but think about it. This journey forces one to take a look at himself/herself and decide what he wants to keep and what he wants to let go.
The struggle is dealing with everyone else that pops up along the way. Perhaps it's a well meaning friend, shadchan, random whoever, who unwittingly hits you where it hurts. Because in battle you're always on guard.
The battle is inside the head and heart of the single. S/he can choose to ignore, mute, disregard, compartmentalize it. S/he can exaggerate, exacerbate, and emphasize it. We all have that choice. Perhaps at one point one way is better than the other. Sometimes the battlefield is quiet, and sometimes it's deafening. Sometimes it's dark, and sometimes it is light. Sometimes we fight alone, and sometimes we have others by our side.
We all have armor of some sort hopefully, and while I choose to often fight without parts of it, perhaps you show up with it on. No two experiences are alike. We're all just doing our best to get through this unharmed.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Friday, April 27, 2018
Friday, March 23, 2018
Does This Path Have Heart
Full confession: I like connecting with people. I thrive on it. I'm good at it, and it feels good. Perhaps we all like connection, some of us to greater or lesser extents. Yet, I think this is what makes dating excruciating at times for me. It's easy for me to create a connection fairly early. I think focused shidduch dating is like that. Is that real connection though?
I was talking to someone recently about this and he said that shidduch dating isn't about this. I argued with him. "What do you mean? Are you not trying to build a relationship with this person, get to know him/her better?" "Nope," he rejoined. "Dating is not about building a relationship. That's what marriage is for. Dating is about scouting out whether this person has all the necessary ingredients to want to, to be able to, to do this with."
I shared this discussion with a friend. She argued too. She pointed out that so much of the time when we're dating we want someone we can call at the end of the day and just shoot the breeze. We want someone who will care about what's going on in our day-to-day, someone who will be in our corner, etc. Believe me, your partner should be the person who you can just have a good time with and who will care about your mundane happenings and stand up for you. Yet, this doesn't need to be your relationship with him/her while you're dating. Of course this dynamic will develop a bit as you get to know each other. (If it doesn't I'd be concerned.)
I'm just sharing what I've learned. (Feel free to let me know your thoughts.) Instead of focusing on giving the person the benefit of the doubt while getting emotionally involved, it'd be best to look at him/her with a discerning eye. Does s/he have all the "need"s on my list?
I think this can get sticky, because I know that I have made judgements about people early on but continued dating them, and later those concerns went away. However, I'm not yet married, so perhaps those concerns gave way to other concerns and that gut feeling meant something in whatever way it manifested itself.
Back to my point though, I like connecting and putting my heart on the line. I feel like opening myself up completely will yield big returns. I actually don't know how to do it any other way. I honestly think it's my personality. To me, that's being real. Go big or go home? (Okay, I don't do that with most people, but too many I guess.) It's not an all or nothing, just a people focus, a need to see and be seen.
How does emotionally disconnecting and/or trying to be less emotionally involved work? Does that path have heart...?
I was talking to someone recently about this and he said that shidduch dating isn't about this. I argued with him. "What do you mean? Are you not trying to build a relationship with this person, get to know him/her better?" "Nope," he rejoined. "Dating is not about building a relationship. That's what marriage is for. Dating is about scouting out whether this person has all the necessary ingredients to want to, to be able to, to do this with."
I shared this discussion with a friend. She argued too. She pointed out that so much of the time when we're dating we want someone we can call at the end of the day and just shoot the breeze. We want someone who will care about what's going on in our day-to-day, someone who will be in our corner, etc. Believe me, your partner should be the person who you can just have a good time with and who will care about your mundane happenings and stand up for you. Yet, this doesn't need to be your relationship with him/her while you're dating. Of course this dynamic will develop a bit as you get to know each other. (If it doesn't I'd be concerned.)
I'm just sharing what I've learned. (Feel free to let me know your thoughts.) Instead of focusing on giving the person the benefit of the doubt while getting emotionally involved, it'd be best to look at him/her with a discerning eye. Does s/he have all the "need"s on my list?
I think this can get sticky, because I know that I have made judgements about people early on but continued dating them, and later those concerns went away. However, I'm not yet married, so perhaps those concerns gave way to other concerns and that gut feeling meant something in whatever way it manifested itself.
Back to my point though, I like connecting and putting my heart on the line. I feel like opening myself up completely will yield big returns. I actually don't know how to do it any other way. I honestly think it's my personality. To me, that's being real. Go big or go home? (Okay, I don't do that with most people, but too many I guess.) It's not an all or nothing, just a people focus, a need to see and be seen.
How does emotionally disconnecting and/or trying to be less emotionally involved work? Does that path have heart...?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Great Expectations
When I was younger I thought I would get married right away.
Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.
I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.
Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.
What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?
Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."
Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.
I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.
Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.
I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.
Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.
What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?
Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."
Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.
I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Informalities
Is there something to be said for informal dates? Does every date need to have a tachlis? Can you get to know someone better if you just hang out and chill without necessarily having an agenda? Is this appropriate and/or helpful?
There are so many different opinions regarding the answers to these questions. Obviously a large part of that would have to do with the community one identifies with. The more in-the-box yeshivish one is, the closer s/he is to that side of the spectrum, the more focused his/her dating will be probably. But there is a different aspect here, too, to consider.
How well can you really know someone from going out a few times (even if "a few" is 20 over the span of two and change months)? Are we dating to "know" someone, or are we dating to make sure basics are there and if there is that potential we're seeking?
Personally, I like informal dates. I don't think there needs to be pressure to "accomplish" something each date. However, I do think that each date should build on each other. A fourth date should not feel like a first date. By date four or five the two people should be beyond small talk and even able to have a conversation about where they see things going. Although, there are no hard and fast rules, and everyone at their own pace (as long as the two people are on the same page with that).
Informal dates are helpful to observe someone in a more natural habitat. Shidduch dating can get very artificial. It's fairly easy to show your best self if all you have to do is sit in a hotel lounge or restaurant for a few hours. Less so if you spend many more hours with someone not necessarily feeding them canned lines about your goals and aspirations that were made up to impress them.
I think it's important though to not get carried away and turn shidduch dating into a very informal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with lots of texting and late night phone conversations. That stuff might start from a real place but often gets inflated. It's also not helpful when you're trying to work towards marriage; it can lead to things getting cloudy.
I'm all for chilling and getting to know someone slowly, but just be aware that there actually may be some hidden mines in that terrain that you may have to navigate.
There are so many different opinions regarding the answers to these questions. Obviously a large part of that would have to do with the community one identifies with. The more in-the-box yeshivish one is, the closer s/he is to that side of the spectrum, the more focused his/her dating will be probably. But there is a different aspect here, too, to consider.
How well can you really know someone from going out a few times (even if "a few" is 20 over the span of two and change months)? Are we dating to "know" someone, or are we dating to make sure basics are there and if there is that potential we're seeking?
Personally, I like informal dates. I don't think there needs to be pressure to "accomplish" something each date. However, I do think that each date should build on each other. A fourth date should not feel like a first date. By date four or five the two people should be beyond small talk and even able to have a conversation about where they see things going. Although, there are no hard and fast rules, and everyone at their own pace (as long as the two people are on the same page with that).
Informal dates are helpful to observe someone in a more natural habitat. Shidduch dating can get very artificial. It's fairly easy to show your best self if all you have to do is sit in a hotel lounge or restaurant for a few hours. Less so if you spend many more hours with someone not necessarily feeding them canned lines about your goals and aspirations that were made up to impress them.
I think it's important though to not get carried away and turn shidduch dating into a very informal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with lots of texting and late night phone conversations. That stuff might start from a real place but often gets inflated. It's also not helpful when you're trying to work towards marriage; it can lead to things getting cloudy.
I'm all for chilling and getting to know someone slowly, but just be aware that there actually may be some hidden mines in that terrain that you may have to navigate.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Your Call: Finding Out Shidduch Info by Talking to References
"Well, yeah, I pay them to sell me."
Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?
Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...
Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.
Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.
I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...
Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?
Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...
Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.
Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.
I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
The Art of The No
Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
Thursday, December 28, 2017
It's Not About Why Not
"He's a normal guy I think. He said yes to you? You should just go out."
"Just try it. What are you scared of?"
It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.
No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.
Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.
It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.
"Just try it. What are you scared of?"
It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.
No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.
Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.
It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Just Give Me A Reason
I guess this post really wanted to be written. I had the idea awhile back when I had many names on the table and I had declined most of them. I got some slack for that, and the people suggesting the ideas wanted to know why I was saying no.
"Please give me a reason why so-and-so isn't for you."
Now, I get it if this is a shadchan who really thinks s/he may know someone for me and wants to tweak future suggestions. But what if it's someone random? What if the person doesn't know him and doesn't know me? What if she just went off the fact that we live in the same city and are around the same age? Why does she have to argue with me when I tell her he isn't for me? What if he just said yes clearly because he saw a picture of me? (Getting a yes literally 15 minutes after someone asked me for my profile to send to a guy. What else was he basing it on?) There were myriad permutations of this scenario that occurred.
At the time I got pretty frustrated. I jotted down some notes for a future blog post. I forgot about it. It wasn't as burning anymore. Then the following happened.
About three or four months ago or so someone sent me a video resume of a guy. It did not do him any favors. I'll leave it at that. It was unclear at the time if she had suggested it to him or she was just running it by me first. I'm certain she didn't watch the video. I said "Thanks for thinking of me. He's not for me." This happens to be a shadchan I deal with on a somewhat frequent basis, and she didn't interrogate me why I said no.
About a month ago and half ago, maybe a little longer, someone random sent me the resume of this same guy with a yes. I politely declined.
I got a message, "So-and-so wants to know what about him makes you say he's not for you."
I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to that message.
Today I got a resume with a yes. This guy.
I politely declined. I respectfully told the shadchan suggesting it that it had been suggested in the past and I had said no at the time and the answer was still no.
(I'm going to interrupt myself here for a second. Weird story, two weeks ago another guy who had said yes to me and I had said "no thanks" to came back via a yes from another shadchan. I don't understand. Are these guys playing a game? Do they think I don't remember that I said no? That I will change my mind if someone else redts it? Or did they not remember that we did this already?)
Back to my story, the shadchan messages me and says, "So-and-so wants to know how he can better himself so you will go out with him."
That was taking it a bit too far.
I think my message was fairly polite when I replied that he had been suggested before and I had said no, the question was posed before, and why was he running after me. I also said that he's not what I'm looking for and didn't think it was necessary for me to go into detail.
She was apologetic and said she didn't realize, and she agreed with me.
For real, must I give a reason why someone isn't for me to every suggestion? Honestly sometimes the answer is that a guy is too nerdy, not socially adept enough, or not smart enough. Does he really want to hear that?
Does everyone need a reason?
"Please give me a reason why so-and-so isn't for you."
Now, I get it if this is a shadchan who really thinks s/he may know someone for me and wants to tweak future suggestions. But what if it's someone random? What if the person doesn't know him and doesn't know me? What if she just went off the fact that we live in the same city and are around the same age? Why does she have to argue with me when I tell her he isn't for me? What if he just said yes clearly because he saw a picture of me? (Getting a yes literally 15 minutes after someone asked me for my profile to send to a guy. What else was he basing it on?) There were myriad permutations of this scenario that occurred.
At the time I got pretty frustrated. I jotted down some notes for a future blog post. I forgot about it. It wasn't as burning anymore. Then the following happened.
About three or four months ago or so someone sent me a video resume of a guy. It did not do him any favors. I'll leave it at that. It was unclear at the time if she had suggested it to him or she was just running it by me first. I'm certain she didn't watch the video. I said "Thanks for thinking of me. He's not for me." This happens to be a shadchan I deal with on a somewhat frequent basis, and she didn't interrogate me why I said no.
About a month ago and half ago, maybe a little longer, someone random sent me the resume of this same guy with a yes. I politely declined.
I got a message, "So-and-so wants to know what about him makes you say he's not for you."
I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to that message.
Today I got a resume with a yes. This guy.
I politely declined. I respectfully told the shadchan suggesting it that it had been suggested in the past and I had said no at the time and the answer was still no.
(I'm going to interrupt myself here for a second. Weird story, two weeks ago another guy who had said yes to me and I had said "no thanks" to came back via a yes from another shadchan. I don't understand. Are these guys playing a game? Do they think I don't remember that I said no? That I will change my mind if someone else redts it? Or did they not remember that we did this already?)
Back to my story, the shadchan messages me and says, "So-and-so wants to know how he can better himself so you will go out with him."
That was taking it a bit too far.
I think my message was fairly polite when I replied that he had been suggested before and I had said no, the question was posed before, and why was he running after me. I also said that he's not what I'm looking for and didn't think it was necessary for me to go into detail.
She was apologetic and said she didn't realize, and she agreed with me.
For real, must I give a reason why someone isn't for me to every suggestion? Honestly sometimes the answer is that a guy is too nerdy, not socially adept enough, or not smart enough. Does he really want to hear that?
Does everyone need a reason?
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Waiting For My Bus Revisited
Waiting for my bus.
Today we have Google Maps, Moovit, Autobus Karov, and a myriad of other apps that will tell you which bus to take to get where you want to go and when to expect its arrival. There's a sign too next to most bus stops with a screen constantly updating each bus's eta.
Does it really help?
I mean, maybe it makes you feel better. Maybe it lets you feel like you're doing some hishtadlus by making sure you get to the right stop when the bus is scheduled. But does it make your bus come quicker or give you any real advantage? Honestly, you can get really lost even with a navigation app running, especially if it's walking directions...
We have profile databases, whatsapp shidduch chats, singles events, etc. Do these things really help us in any significant way? I mean, we're still at the mercy of G-d and when He wants us to find the right one. Perhaps it's hishtadlus. Perhaps it makes us feel like we're doing something more to make our bus arrive more promptly.
Me, I do sometimes still wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. And, to quote myself, it is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind, no matter what the transit app or bus stop screen is telling me.
Today we have Google Maps, Moovit, Autobus Karov, and a myriad of other apps that will tell you which bus to take to get where you want to go and when to expect its arrival. There's a sign too next to most bus stops with a screen constantly updating each bus's eta.
Does it really help?
I mean, maybe it makes you feel better. Maybe it lets you feel like you're doing some hishtadlus by making sure you get to the right stop when the bus is scheduled. But does it make your bus come quicker or give you any real advantage? Honestly, you can get really lost even with a navigation app running, especially if it's walking directions...
We have profile databases, whatsapp shidduch chats, singles events, etc. Do these things really help us in any significant way? I mean, we're still at the mercy of G-d and when He wants us to find the right one. Perhaps it's hishtadlus. Perhaps it makes us feel like we're doing something more to make our bus arrive more promptly.
Me, I do sometimes still wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. And, to quote myself, it is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind, no matter what the transit app or bus stop screen is telling me.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Forget to Forget You –– Guest Post
A couple weeks ago I was sitting in shul listening to Krias HaTorah, when all of sudden, out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head. That day marked one year since I met my ex. Completely out of nowhere I went from attentively listening to the leining, to my mind drifting off, remembering and reminiscing about the relationship that ended too soon.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Get A Clue...Here Are Some For Free
A lull in the conversation, well actually, that would indicate there was a conversation going on. A random attempt at conversation, "So, what do you do when you aren't working?"
I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"
"I'm working on a book, and I blog."
"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."
Excuse me?
Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?
I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.
The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.
Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.
Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.
Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.
Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).
All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?
I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"
"I'm working on a book, and I blog."
"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."
Excuse me?
Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?
I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.
The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.
Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.
Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.
Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.
Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).
All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
How Awkward and Weird
Why is bumping into an ex with his spouse so awkward and weird? Just two people, right?
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
Monday, November 27, 2017
How Traversing Shidduchim is Like Traveling on Thanksgiving Weekend
We got in the car, and the navigation told us it would take a few hours to get home. As we kept getting updates that traffic was building up ahead and our ETA kept getting later and later, we followed detour after detour and couldn't help feeling like we were going totally and completely out of our way and that we would never get home. Day turned into night. The cars in front of us crawled. We left that major highway and took that tiny side street only to encounter the same sea of brake lights.
We knew we were going to get home eventually, but we didn't know when. After each new time update, we sighed and someone cracked another joke about the traffic. We made up another song parody about traveling to pass the time. We called a friend, texted another, tried to keep spirits up.
We still knew we would get home eventually. How long it would take, we did not know. How much we would have to travel out of the way, we did not know. Where we were and how crossing that random bridge we'd never heard of before would help us get there, we did not know.
But we trusted that Waze and Google Maps knew what they were doing. (Kal v'chomer G-d, right?)
Rubbernecking, so not helpful. Watching what other people go through, for good or for bad, when you cannot help them, only slows you down. If we all stopped worrying about how fast other people are driving or what they're doing on the side of the road, we could focus better on what is going on in our cars, get where we're going faster.
Getting annoyed at the traffic is not helpful either. It doesn't help you get anywhere faster. Keeping yourself busy along the way, making sure your car has enough gas to get where you're going, knowing when you might need to ask the driver to make a stop or ask someone else to drive for a bit...are all important.
Still waiting for my "you have arrived at your destination" ...
We knew we were going to get home eventually, but we didn't know when. After each new time update, we sighed and someone cracked another joke about the traffic. We made up another song parody about traveling to pass the time. We called a friend, texted another, tried to keep spirits up.
We still knew we would get home eventually. How long it would take, we did not know. How much we would have to travel out of the way, we did not know. Where we were and how crossing that random bridge we'd never heard of before would help us get there, we did not know.
But we trusted that Waze and Google Maps knew what they were doing. (Kal v'chomer G-d, right?)
Rubbernecking, so not helpful. Watching what other people go through, for good or for bad, when you cannot help them, only slows you down. If we all stopped worrying about how fast other people are driving or what they're doing on the side of the road, we could focus better on what is going on in our cars, get where we're going faster.
Getting annoyed at the traffic is not helpful either. It doesn't help you get anywhere faster. Keeping yourself busy along the way, making sure your car has enough gas to get where you're going, knowing when you might need to ask the driver to make a stop or ask someone else to drive for a bit...are all important.
Still waiting for my "you have arrived at your destination" ...
Friday, November 24, 2017
First Dates, Ex-cetera
First dates are not exciting anymore. It used to be that a first date held hope for me that this guy could be The One. Now it’s just about whether or not it will be someone I will dread spending time with or actually have a good time in his company. How will he treat me? What will happen in that hopefully short amount of time? Will I have clarity about the direction forward?
Call me a cynic, a pessimist, if you must. I call it a reality check. Perhaps it just has to do with my current situation and path of emotional carnage. Will this ever be over?
So of course I started writing this post a few days ago, and at this point I have a different kind of clarity. I mean, there will be more first dates in my future, sure, but what warning signs do I need to see as stop signs is the real question. Will gut feelings this strong always play out this accurately? Or maybe it will feel like this for every potential person.
Call me a cynic, a pessimist, if you must. I call it a reality check. Perhaps it just has to do with my current situation and path of emotional carnage. Will this ever be over?
So of course I started writing this post a few days ago, and at this point I have a different kind of clarity. I mean, there will be more first dates in my future, sure, but what warning signs do I need to see as stop signs is the real question. Will gut feelings this strong always play out this accurately? Or maybe it will feel like this for every potential person.
How did it get to this? Every person, every first date, used to...not feel like this...at the very least.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Hoping For A Change
We all have our vices. For some people they're innocent –– an extra piece of cake, a handful of candy, lots of shoes, whatever. Other people struggle with more "addictive" habits. Sometimes these things are actual defects of character –– an anger management issue, excessive arrogance, etc. Sometimes the person is defined by this bad habit or struggle.
For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?
First things first: people can change.
Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.
What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.
If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.
There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.
You can't marry someone hoping they will change.
For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?
First things first: people can change.
Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.
What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.
If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.
There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.
You can't marry someone hoping they will change.
Monday, November 20, 2017
We're All Eating Dirt
We're all eating dirt. Maybe my dirt, from where you're sitting, looks like chocolate ice cream, but it's not. Because my dating life is strife with stories and yours seems so boring compared to that, mine really isn't that much easier. In fact, I think it's probably harder.
You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.
Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.
Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.
We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.
You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.
Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.
Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.
We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Single and Ready to Flamingle: The Pitfalls of Singles' Events
While I addressed the general drawbacks here re singles' events, I feel the need to revisit the topic and add a few more hazards to be aware of.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
While this first one isn't necessarily something I would generally include in such a post, as it's a bit of a different flavor than my other "things to be wary of," I'm adding it in, because I know a few people who would appreciate it.
Do yourself a favor and find out if your ex (or anyone you've previously dated whom you don't want to run into) is going to be there. If s/he will be, it might actually ruin the whole thing for you. It can make it really uncomfortable, and you won't be able to be yourself the whole time.
Broader picture, how helpful is it when after an event you get feedback that a majority of the guys/girls are interested in you? Especially when they're not for you? So maybe you're good at making small talk, meeting new people, making people feel comfortable. It doesn't mean you actually want to date the guys/girls you ended up having extended conversations with. So yes, the conversation was smooth and easy, but so are the majority of conversations you have with people in general.
I know that I need one-on-one time to connect with someone. Preferably someone I've heard a bit about and know that the "on paper" makes sense. Talking with someone, even someone I may have an initial "click" with, doesn't mean marriage potential.
Often, someone you meet on your own (however much "on your own" an event really is) equals a dating relationship without a shadchan, at a point in time in the relationship that there probably should be a go-between. I'm a big advocate for being an adult and fostering communication between the two parties themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work out great. It's really helpful to have a shadchan involved that can help facilitate marriage-minded dating and assist with issues that come up.
As per personal experience, this has gotten me into situations where I should never have had to explain to the guy himself why I didn't think things were shyuch. After one or two dates it's not even really helpful. It's more hurtful than anything else, because generally that means it's something foundational or no click or whatever. Meaning, it's not really about the person, it's about how it's just not a good fit. I feel like that hurts more coming from the person herself/himself than through a third party.
Another pitfall is that everyone at the event is highly aware of what guy is/was talking to what girl and vice versa. There's jealousy and all-around nosiness, maybe even competition. Everyone wants to know what is happening. Maybe you wanted to speak to the guy or girl someone else is talking to. Maybe you're envious because you didn't hit it off with anyone.
It almost feels like The Bachelor. Too much drama. Does it make any sense for someone to say it's "insensitive" for someone to talk to the same guy/girl ("hijack" him/her) for an hour? Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things? I'm truly sorry for you (not being sarcastic, sincere in this), if it wasn't as easy for you to strike up conversation with someone you were interested in, but why take that out on people who did?
We're all single. No one is better off than the other. Does there really have to be this competition? If your friend connected with someone and you didn't, s/he is not taking anything away from you.
I guess that would be a drawback as well. If someone isn't great on his/her feet, doesn't do well with small talk, doesn't make a particularly positive first impression, perhaps these events are not for him/her.
And finally, even on the guys' side there's hock. I actually had a guy randomly sit down next to me and say, "You're the girl with the blog?" So yes, I did mention I blog as my "fun fact" during a speed-dating activity. He wasn't there at that table though. Maybe it was just this crowd, but I could imagine (and hope) that there's less yenting (even when guys swap names and details about their dates) when dating happens one on one and not in a big mixed crowd.
Maybe events are helpful for some people, but even if they're entertaining or fun, they're not helpful for me.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
To Date. Not to Date. Questions.
Is going out with someone who is so off the mark worse than not going out at all? (Obviously if you know from the outset that it's a no-go, I beg you to respect yourself more than that. Don't just go out because you want to feel like someone wants to date you. I'm talking about in retrospect, does dating that person that is not even ballpark make you feel worse than not dating at all?)
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Dating Protips
Some of these, most of these, should be intuitive. Unfortunately they're not, so I'll spell them out.
Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.
1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.
2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?
3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).
4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?
5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.
Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.
1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.
2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?
3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).
4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?
5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind
What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
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