Where is the Sun?

Waking up this morning, the world is devoid of sun. It’s bitter and dreary. Yesterday there was radiant sun, shining brightly, highlighting all the beautiful things in this life. Today, clouds blanket the sky, obscure the brilliant light. Big fat raindrops periodically splatter my windshield, stopping and starting at random. There's fog so dense, it is hard to navigate from just point A to B. The heat of yesterday's sun shrouded, the day chilly and uninviting.

The world muted and painted in grays. Everything feels irritating, smiles and grins hidden. Where there was happiness there is gloom. Where there was light and laughter there is melancholy and despair.

Is the weather just random? Where is the sun? 

I can go turn on some lights, even cozy up by a fireplace, perhaps even pull out a rarely used lantern, and go check out the lights in the city...I'll find some artificial illumination for now. 

Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow.

Single Lane Ahead

Being single during yuntif isn't the greatest feeling in the world. It drives home the fact that we're not meant to be like this.

Rephrase, Yiddishkeit is about family. (It goes without saying that if this is where I am right now in life, this is where G-d wants me to be. As long as I didn't mess things up through my own free will –– bigger topic outside the scope of this post.)

It feels so crowded, yet so empty. So overwhelming, so much noise, but so so lonely. So many cute nieces and nephews, too many siblings, siblings in-law, and just one person missing. The space doesn't really stretch to make room for everyone, all the different personalities. Even if we can mostly get along now that we've all grown up a bit. I too need someone to take up for me, have my back, sit next to and talk to when everyone else is involved with their own nuclear families.

I'm not the hired help. Just because I don't have a husband and kids to look after, I'm busy too. I should be on vacation too. In fact, while they're off galavanting on this Chol HaMoed trip or that, I'm going to work every day, working my normal hectic schedule. Yes, Baruch Hashem for that. Some normalcy in my life. A place I feel productive and normal, not like an outcast and a pitied anomaly.

Despite them not trying to rub it in my face, it happens inevitably. It's the nature of the beast. 

Read some of the discussion here that further fleshes out this point.

Chag sameach.

Yearning for Freedom

Zman Chaeruseinu. Freedom.

Hallel, Nirtza. Praise, song.

What to sing for?

What freedom?

Salvation from Mitzrayim?

How, when life feels so bitter, so narrow?

Echad M'yodeia? We know numbers. Numbers of months, years we've been playing this game. Numbers of guys/girls that we've met, that have entered and left our respective lives. Numbers of heartbreaks. Numbers of days, months we've waited to hear from someone with a "yes," go on a date.

Sefirah. Counting. Counting down the days until this will all make sense, this will all be worth it.

Leil HaSeder, Leil Shemurim. A special night of protection. Hashem tells us that He's close. We need to let Him do what He does.

Shackled, but free. Stuck, but looking forward.

Pesach is a time of slavery and freedom. They coexist. Bitterness and hope mingle together. 

Salty and sweet. Hardship and triumph. Heartbreak and hope. Slavery and miracles.

Aching lonely heart. Beating living heart.

Life Is Full of Goodbyes

Life is full of goodbyes.

So often we connect with people, we leave a part of ourselves with them, only to have to eventually say goodbye. This happens for some people more often than others. Some people connect more deeply or more easily. Life is about being able to leave that bit we give to the other person (or people) behind and keep moving forward.

I was having this conversation with a client a few days ago. She was talking about how it was hard to just let go of her relationships with her ex's family. She had great relationships with them and nothing against them. Whereas she didn't want to see or talk to her ex ever again, she missed his family whom she had been a part of for over ten years. We talked about how in life there are so many people you have to say goodbye to. Sometimes these people have left a piece of themselves with you, sometimes you with them, and sometimes it's both.

This happens in so many ways. Professionally, I face it all the time. I will often wonder how a client is doing long after they aren't a client any longer. They shared so much with me, I saw them through so much, and then they disappear as they go about their lives. It's how it's supposed to be. I'd imagine there are many professions like that. Teaching is similar, especially if it's one-on-one.

We can't always hold onto relationships we have. And we're not meant to. I'm sure I've written about this before, how relationships can be like bridges. They can help us get somewhere, but we don't necessarily need them once we've crossed them. People come into our lives for various reasons. I know I've met people that have enriched my life in so many ways even after they're no longer around.

I've written quite a bit on breakups, but this one post about love and loss comes to mind.

It's not the goodbyes that make us better perhaps, but to paraphrase a line from Romeo and Juliet, parting is always a sweet sorrow. It makes us look toward what is next up for us. Looking forward is always more helpful than looking back. (It is helpful to learn from mistakes, for sure, but that's always for a looking forward purpose.) Looking forward doesn't cheapen the experience we had, but it does let us file it away.

Great Expectations

When I was younger I thought I would get married right away.

Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.

I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.

Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.

What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?

Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."

Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.

I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.

Disable Comments

"Maybe they can't help you get married, but they can lessen the pain you're experiencing while waiting."

Wise words indeed.

No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.

Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.

As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice." 

Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!

#itsallpartofthenisayon

Yup, That's What Was Said

"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"

"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."

"Why don't you just get married?"

All spoken in real life. 

I kid you not.  

I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these. 

What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?

I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though. 

Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand. 

#itsallpartofthenisayon

One Check, Two, Gray Checks, Blue

One check
Two
Gray checks
Blue

Multiple past promises of
"I'm always here for you."

"Always here if you need to vent,"
"Really, don't spare me any of your discontent."

Online
Last seen a minute ago
Online
Last seen not a minute ago

Experiencing all this
Stress and fear
Needing you
You said you'd be there

Every inane thing I said
You always sent a reply
Now when I'm going through rough times
What happened to that guy?

I hate how I let you
Mess with my head
Wondering why you're ignoring me
Wishing I didn't care instead

Making me wonder did I do something wrong
Why did you stop answering me
We seemed to be, quite nicely,
Getting along

Will I know tomorrow
Will you answer me
Or is this it
Is this all we will be

Perspective

There's a flip side to every personality trait. What keeps life exciting and fun, what makes people want to spend time with you, can also be what kills you. For me, passion and truth seeking can often become drama apparently.

That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.

It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.

If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.

Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.

Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.

I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.

Forget to Forget You –– Guest Post

A couple weeks ago I was sitting in shul listening to Krias HaTorah, when all of sudden, out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head. That day marked one year since I met my ex. Completely out of nowhere I went from attentively listening to the leining, to my mind drifting off, remembering and reminiscing about the relationship that ended too soon.

Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event,  and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.

That was 9 months ago.

Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.

I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."

Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.

Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?

Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.

It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.

Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”

Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.

We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.

Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

We're All Eating Dirt

We're all eating dirt. Maybe my dirt, from where you're sitting, looks like chocolate ice cream, but it's not. Because my dating life is strife with stories and yours seems so boring compared to that, mine really isn't that much easier. In fact, I think it's probably harder.

You think that I "always get the guy," have more dates than you, have longer dating stints, actual relationships when you don't. How does that help me? It actually hurts a lot more than not going out at all.

Maybe yours is external pain while mine is internal. I mean, there's no way to measure how much something hurts. Maybe your situation seems like it's worse to you. You can't see my pain. Everything looks fun and flamboyant. It's not, believe me.

Are you jealous of me that the woman sitting next me on the plane last weekend talked my ear off the whole flight? Why not? Exactly, it's not pleasurable, even if it was attention. Neither is dating a bunch of wrong guys. It's actually really painful.

We all have our own challenges when it comes to dating, and life, and no one is better off than the next. Why are you resentful of me? We're both just doing what we know to get married. I'm not better off than you.

Today Is The Tomorrow You Worried About Yesterday

How significant it all seems
All the importance we put on things
Preconceptions and judgements matter so much
Perspective is so powerful
Yesterdays look different today, today will too tomorrow

But we live in the here and now
Different things do matter
All this feels important now
You do get through it though

Game On

All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.

You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.

Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.

I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.

It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:

I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"

I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.

I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.

I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.

The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.

I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?

Some Tact Please

At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.

Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)

I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.

So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."

We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.

At A Younger Sibling's Simcha

Spending a good portion of the day at a good friend's younger sibling's vort really made me think about my own experiences like this (outlined in these posts). Really, I'm happy to be moral support, play bodyguard, or just be a welcome distraction.

At my own younger sibling's vort, I remember telling my friends they didn't need to come. When we talk about it now, they laugh at me for being macho and playing the "I got this" card, when it turned out to be not that fun. I don't think I was thinking "I got this" back then. Really, I just didn't want to be the older sorry single sibling who needed friends surrounding her at all times to make it through the night. I thought I would be okay, because it was a simcha of a sibling. I figured there would be enough family around to keep me occupied. I guess I didn't realize how it was going to play out and that there would be lots of (younger) people that I knew coming for the chosson and kallah and how that would feel.

While there will always be a fair share of people who don't think, I believe that people have gotten a lot better in the recent years. (Unless I, and my friends, have just gotten older and so people are more sensitive.) We're hearing less "Iy"H by you"s, less "You're next," less "We should share in simchos." We get it, you're trying to be nice, but it hurts.

I've mentioned the article we compiled to share some of these helpful tips, which no one wanted to publish. (Perhaps it really can be revamped to become publishable.) We were talking about it during the informal after-party with a neighbor who wanted to know how many hurtful comments my friend had gotten during the course of the vort. She came up with the idea that we should make a "What Not To Say At A Younger Relative's Simcha" youtube video. Interesting idea. Perhaps we'll start writing a script...

Being single is one challenge, having younger siblings and being single is another.

Reset: Tips To Get Over A Breakup

I'm far from the expert at this. Let me rephrase: I don't want to be an expert at getting over breakups, but I'm going to share some of my own "what works" with you. There are so many things that come along with breaking up with someone, and often when the stakes are high, as they are in shidduch dating (marriage-focused dating and dating in a marriage-focused culture lends to a certain intensity), the hurt is compounded. 

There are so many different aspects to why breakups are hard, but check out some of my (many) other posts for that. Here I want to talk about getting over a breakup especially when you don't really want to. Hanging onto the breakup is us hanging onto whatever semblance we have left of the relationship, even if it's a load of pain.

I recently heard a line that I related to very much. It went something like this, "Don't you ever want to be in a relationship, just so you can relax?" Dating and finding "The One," the whole game, is stressful and, at the very least, annoying. Getting over a breakup takes work too. It doesn't happen by itself. Time helps, sure, but staying in bed eating ice cream watching reruns of your favorite TV show isn't going to help you get over your ex.

I know for myself, after big breakups, it's always necessary for me to reset. How I do this often varies, but preferably it involves taking a vacation (or two). If you can't afford the time off (or financial expense of the trip), weekends away work too. It's about mixing up your usual routine.

Social support, spending time with friends, is really important in a reset too. Picking up new hobbies, like running or crafting, or whatever it is that speaks to you, can help too. I find that writing and talking things out is cathartic and valuable. Feeling your feelings, not denying the sadness and/or anger, is healing as well. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, even if it feels like those things are few and far between these days. Look forward, and try not to look back. Don't question and analyze. If something is meant to be, it will come around. It doesn't help to live in the past. Emotional clarity will come with a period of no contact (texts, emails, social media stalking, etc.) and time. Go have some fun and remember that you are an awesome amazing person and your worth is not tied up in someone else. You'll have your day, and when that happens you'll be able to look back at the breakup through a new light.

Finding My Way Back

Wish my heart would stop beating
Me up
Wish my head would follow
My heart
Wish this wasn't
So complicated
Wish I could
Make sense of it all

Wish I felt I had a place
In my own life
Wish I could find the page
Where I left off

You took me down
To build me back up again
Dragged me around
But all by my own doing

This story I'm writing
Could be called fiction
Though waking up is hard to do
Falling asleep's impossible too

Trying to put
The pieces back together
Feeling hopeless
But hopeful
Lost and searching
For some new light in this dark tunnel

Dancing Round and Round in Circles

Simchas Torah this year was quite the experience.

I'm always struck by how beautiful it is that we're dancing like this for the Torah. The actual tefillos of the hakafos, the lyrics to the tunes we sing, the niggunim, the energy...it's pretty inspiring.

The only thing I can compare it to is a Hachnsas Sefer Torah in Eretz Yisroel where streets are blocked off and there are throngs of people and tons of music and candy. The kavod we give to Torah. The excitement we have for Torah. We forget it when it's not in our faces.

This year, as I was surveying the lebidig scence, it transported me back (as it usually does) to a time when I was child, probably two or three, sitting on my dad's shoulders as he danced round and round on Simchas Torah, pausing to kiss the sifrei torah as we passed someone holding one. Later, when I was too old to be on the men's side, I remember watching my father and my brothers, and perhaps younger siblings, dancing for the Torah.

I was reminded too of the Simchas Torah the year that I was in seminary. Since Simchas Torah is a different day for chutznikim, our Simchas Torah was just chutznikim and very chutzniki. The women, behind a mechitzah of course, were dancing too. I remember feeling a little weird about it, but I got over it pretty quickly and got in on the action.

I wish I could say that I was left with all these positive feelings this yuntif. And maybe I should stop this post here. However, I guess what makes my writing appealing is my candor and thus relate-ability.

Daytime hakafos were pretty hard, I have to say. So many more kids. So many strollers parked haphazardly, no one caring that it was impossible to get by. So many couples younger than me with kids. Mothers with their kids who maybe stayed in shul for kol hanearim, but couldn't stop talking with their children during the entire krias hatorah and mussaf (and this is in a shul where there is usually no talking at all during davening/leining).

I don't think I have to explain why this was hard. Everything that I want to have but don't yet just sort of slapped me in the face. Even just celebrating Torah. It's not my mitzvah to learn. My connection to Torah is different. I want someone with whom I can share this joy in learning, in Torah, through/with. Yes, I know I can learn Torah (and I plan on it), but it isn't the same when I'm not a mutzveh v'oseh. I can't delight the same way in accomplishing during a good seder, a good sugya, whatever.

I just hope I remember to not put myself through that again. I don't think I can handle another Simchas Torah in this shul if I'm still single next year.

A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post

People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.

But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.

So obviously we are not good enough as is.

Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.

It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.

I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.

The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.

I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.

Life is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

It will take you beyond your breaking point, testing and trying your endurance. It will break down and deplete your glycogen storage –– turn your sugars into lactic acid that will cause muscle cramps, charley horse, torturous pain –– burn up stored proteins, cannibalize muscle and fat, and basically consume anything else it needs to keep you going. 

A marathon isn't over until you've done your 365 yards (just over 26 miles), so you can't stop. You can't tap out. It's not an option.

You're in it for the long haul. No matter how many things are being thrown at you while you're running, you just have to keep going. No matter how much you just feel like curling up in a ball and nursing your wounds, you just have to keep going. 

It isn't a sprint, and you no burst of speed will get you there quicker. Slow and steady wins the race. (Isn't that what we learned from the tortoise and the hare?) Sometimes the best things take time. Sometimes when you feel like you have nothing left and can't do it anymore, you realize that if it was worth the struggle up until now, it's worth continuing. 

Reminds me of this cartoon.