A flight attendant was serving a respected rabbi on a plane. Recognizing his religious garb she asked him, "What is Judaism? What do Jews believe?"
The rav, without missing a beat, replied, "Don't do onto others what you don't wish to be done to you. That's the foundation of Judaism."
The attendant wanted to know what that had to do with being able to eat or not eat certain things.
"Okay," said the rabbi, "I'm sure you've noticed Jewish travelers checking food packages for a specific symbol, correct?"
"Yes, I have! But what does that have to do with respecting others?"
"Jews are trained not to just eat something because they want to. They don't just say something because they want. They don't just do something because they want to. By checking packages, they're showing it's not about them. They're following a moral code, and they're trained to see the needs of others."
Pesach we check packages. Sefirah, we work on seeing others.
(Paraphrased from Mishpacha Magazine's Calligraphy, original article by Yisroel Besser)
I don't usually read Mishpacha, as you may know if you've been with me for awhile. Yet, against my better judgment I read this Pesach's story supplement. Shoot me. I'll even make a plug here for Rikki Ehrlich's "The Exit Interview." IMHO it was quite the worthy read. Everyone should read it. But that's not what this post is about.
It's interesting how sometimes bein adam l'makom is clearer, easier than bein adam l'chaveiro. We work on both during Sefirah, but bein adam l'chaveiro is a special focus. We mourn the deaths of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died because they didn't treat each other with respect. Crazy, almost, if you think about it. How much do we focus on respect of others nowadays? How much do we judge and gossip? How much do we judge and stigmatize?
Also not the point of this post.
Or maybe it is. What freedom do you take from Pesach? Supposedly the chometz represents yetzer hara, which we are free from for the entirety of the Chag. The aveiros we do –– hergel, habit. I'm not sure who this idea is attributed to, but it's interesting for sure.
There is so much pressure in this stage of life. While dating for some is just a passageway from young adulthood to what comes beyond that (in the form of marriage, responsibility, and family), to others it is a stage in it of itself. It's Mitzrayim, it's narrow and constricting. No two people's experiences are the same. While some may have sagas of heartbreaks and "almosts," others may have stories of emptiness for months or years on end.
No judgements. No need to compare. Can we see others as is? Empathy, not pity. Freedom, not slavery.
Happy Counting.
Showing posts with label How-to's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How-to's. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Friday, March 23, 2018
Does This Path Have Heart
Full confession: I like connecting with people. I thrive on it. I'm good at it, and it feels good. Perhaps we all like connection, some of us to greater or lesser extents. Yet, I think this is what makes dating excruciating at times for me. It's easy for me to create a connection fairly early. I think focused shidduch dating is like that. Is that real connection though?
I was talking to someone recently about this and he said that shidduch dating isn't about this. I argued with him. "What do you mean? Are you not trying to build a relationship with this person, get to know him/her better?" "Nope," he rejoined. "Dating is not about building a relationship. That's what marriage is for. Dating is about scouting out whether this person has all the necessary ingredients to want to, to be able to, to do this with."
I shared this discussion with a friend. She argued too. She pointed out that so much of the time when we're dating we want someone we can call at the end of the day and just shoot the breeze. We want someone who will care about what's going on in our day-to-day, someone who will be in our corner, etc. Believe me, your partner should be the person who you can just have a good time with and who will care about your mundane happenings and stand up for you. Yet, this doesn't need to be your relationship with him/her while you're dating. Of course this dynamic will develop a bit as you get to know each other. (If it doesn't I'd be concerned.)
I'm just sharing what I've learned. (Feel free to let me know your thoughts.) Instead of focusing on giving the person the benefit of the doubt while getting emotionally involved, it'd be best to look at him/her with a discerning eye. Does s/he have all the "need"s on my list?
I think this can get sticky, because I know that I have made judgements about people early on but continued dating them, and later those concerns went away. However, I'm not yet married, so perhaps those concerns gave way to other concerns and that gut feeling meant something in whatever way it manifested itself.
Back to my point though, I like connecting and putting my heart on the line. I feel like opening myself up completely will yield big returns. I actually don't know how to do it any other way. I honestly think it's my personality. To me, that's being real. Go big or go home? (Okay, I don't do that with most people, but too many I guess.) It's not an all or nothing, just a people focus, a need to see and be seen.
How does emotionally disconnecting and/or trying to be less emotionally involved work? Does that path have heart...?
I was talking to someone recently about this and he said that shidduch dating isn't about this. I argued with him. "What do you mean? Are you not trying to build a relationship with this person, get to know him/her better?" "Nope," he rejoined. "Dating is not about building a relationship. That's what marriage is for. Dating is about scouting out whether this person has all the necessary ingredients to want to, to be able to, to do this with."
I shared this discussion with a friend. She argued too. She pointed out that so much of the time when we're dating we want someone we can call at the end of the day and just shoot the breeze. We want someone who will care about what's going on in our day-to-day, someone who will be in our corner, etc. Believe me, your partner should be the person who you can just have a good time with and who will care about your mundane happenings and stand up for you. Yet, this doesn't need to be your relationship with him/her while you're dating. Of course this dynamic will develop a bit as you get to know each other. (If it doesn't I'd be concerned.)
I'm just sharing what I've learned. (Feel free to let me know your thoughts.) Instead of focusing on giving the person the benefit of the doubt while getting emotionally involved, it'd be best to look at him/her with a discerning eye. Does s/he have all the "need"s on my list?
I think this can get sticky, because I know that I have made judgements about people early on but continued dating them, and later those concerns went away. However, I'm not yet married, so perhaps those concerns gave way to other concerns and that gut feeling meant something in whatever way it manifested itself.
Back to my point though, I like connecting and putting my heart on the line. I feel like opening myself up completely will yield big returns. I actually don't know how to do it any other way. I honestly think it's my personality. To me, that's being real. Go big or go home? (Okay, I don't do that with most people, but too many I guess.) It's not an all or nothing, just a people focus, a need to see and be seen.
How does emotionally disconnecting and/or trying to be less emotionally involved work? Does that path have heart...?
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Informalities
Is there something to be said for informal dates? Does every date need to have a tachlis? Can you get to know someone better if you just hang out and chill without necessarily having an agenda? Is this appropriate and/or helpful?
There are so many different opinions regarding the answers to these questions. Obviously a large part of that would have to do with the community one identifies with. The more in-the-box yeshivish one is, the closer s/he is to that side of the spectrum, the more focused his/her dating will be probably. But there is a different aspect here, too, to consider.
How well can you really know someone from going out a few times (even if "a few" is 20 over the span of two and change months)? Are we dating to "know" someone, or are we dating to make sure basics are there and if there is that potential we're seeking?
Personally, I like informal dates. I don't think there needs to be pressure to "accomplish" something each date. However, I do think that each date should build on each other. A fourth date should not feel like a first date. By date four or five the two people should be beyond small talk and even able to have a conversation about where they see things going. Although, there are no hard and fast rules, and everyone at their own pace (as long as the two people are on the same page with that).
Informal dates are helpful to observe someone in a more natural habitat. Shidduch dating can get very artificial. It's fairly easy to show your best self if all you have to do is sit in a hotel lounge or restaurant for a few hours. Less so if you spend many more hours with someone not necessarily feeding them canned lines about your goals and aspirations that were made up to impress them.
I think it's important though to not get carried away and turn shidduch dating into a very informal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with lots of texting and late night phone conversations. That stuff might start from a real place but often gets inflated. It's also not helpful when you're trying to work towards marriage; it can lead to things getting cloudy.
I'm all for chilling and getting to know someone slowly, but just be aware that there actually may be some hidden mines in that terrain that you may have to navigate.
There are so many different opinions regarding the answers to these questions. Obviously a large part of that would have to do with the community one identifies with. The more in-the-box yeshivish one is, the closer s/he is to that side of the spectrum, the more focused his/her dating will be probably. But there is a different aspect here, too, to consider.
How well can you really know someone from going out a few times (even if "a few" is 20 over the span of two and change months)? Are we dating to "know" someone, or are we dating to make sure basics are there and if there is that potential we're seeking?
Personally, I like informal dates. I don't think there needs to be pressure to "accomplish" something each date. However, I do think that each date should build on each other. A fourth date should not feel like a first date. By date four or five the two people should be beyond small talk and even able to have a conversation about where they see things going. Although, there are no hard and fast rules, and everyone at their own pace (as long as the two people are on the same page with that).
Informal dates are helpful to observe someone in a more natural habitat. Shidduch dating can get very artificial. It's fairly easy to show your best self if all you have to do is sit in a hotel lounge or restaurant for a few hours. Less so if you spend many more hours with someone not necessarily feeding them canned lines about your goals and aspirations that were made up to impress them.
I think it's important though to not get carried away and turn shidduch dating into a very informal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with lots of texting and late night phone conversations. That stuff might start from a real place but often gets inflated. It's also not helpful when you're trying to work towards marriage; it can lead to things getting cloudy.
I'm all for chilling and getting to know someone slowly, but just be aware that there actually may be some hidden mines in that terrain that you may have to navigate.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Your Call: Finding Out Shidduch Info by Talking to References
"Well, yeah, I pay them to sell me."
Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?
Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...
Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.
Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.
I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...
Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?
Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...
Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.
Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.
I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
The Art of The No
Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Get A Clue...Here Are Some For Free
A lull in the conversation, well actually, that would indicate there was a conversation going on. A random attempt at conversation, "So, what do you do when you aren't working?"
I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"
"I'm working on a book, and I blog."
"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."
Excuse me?
Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?
I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.
The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.
Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.
Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.
Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.
Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).
All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?
I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"
"I'm working on a book, and I blog."
"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."
Excuse me?
Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?
I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.
The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.
Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.
Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.
Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.
Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).
All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Hoping For A Change
We all have our vices. For some people they're innocent –– an extra piece of cake, a handful of candy, lots of shoes, whatever. Other people struggle with more "addictive" habits. Sometimes these things are actual defects of character –– an anger management issue, excessive arrogance, etc. Sometimes the person is defined by this bad habit or struggle.
For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?
First things first: people can change.
Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.
What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.
If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.
There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.
You can't marry someone hoping they will change.
For the million dollar question: can this, will this, person change? Maybe you're a good influence on him/her. Maybe you bring out the best in him/her. Will you marry him/her knowing that you can't change him/her and s/he may not change even if s/he promises s/he will/is changing?
First things first: people can change.
Prelude to that though, changes someone makes for someone else don't tend to last.
What happens, too, when that person is under stress? Do those habits come back? How disciplined is this person? Does that even matter? Habits are ingrained. They create pathways in one's brain. An alcoholic can slip back into the drink even after years and years of sobriety.
If it's a middos thing, I would venture to say that working on one's middos in a skillful way can really change who s/he is. But even then, in a stressful situation perhaps old habits will rear their head. It might just take a slight thing that will send the person spiraling. But then, the person who has had to work through a challenge is that much stronger in the face of adversity. No one is perfect.
There's no clear answer to this question, but I will leave you with this. You need to really like and accept the person for who s/he is even with this shortcoming. If this person does not change, or if this person slips back into old ways, you need to know that you can live with him/her.
You can't marry someone hoping they will change.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
To Date. Not to Date. Questions.
Is going out with someone who is so off the mark worse than not going out at all? (Obviously if you know from the outset that it's a no-go, I beg you to respect yourself more than that. Don't just go out because you want to feel like someone wants to date you. I'm talking about in retrospect, does dating that person that is not even ballpark make you feel worse than not dating at all?)
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Dating Protips
Some of these, most of these, should be intuitive. Unfortunately they're not, so I'll spell them out.
Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.
1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.
2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?
3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).
4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?
5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.
Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.
1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.
2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?
3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).
4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?
5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind
What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Some Tact Please
At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.
Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)
I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.
So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."
We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.
Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)
I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.
So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."
We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Reset: Tips To Get Over A Breakup
I'm far from the expert at this. Let me rephrase: I don't want to be an expert at getting over breakups, but I'm going to share some of my own "what works" with you. There are so many things that come along with breaking up with someone, and often when the stakes are high, as they are in shidduch dating (marriage-focused dating and dating in a marriage-focused culture lends to a certain intensity), the hurt is compounded.
There are so many different aspects to why breakups are hard, but check out some of my (many) other posts for that. Here I want to talk about getting over a breakup especially when you don't really want to. Hanging onto the breakup is us hanging onto whatever semblance we have left of the relationship, even if it's a load of pain.
I recently heard a line that I related to very much. It went something like this, "Don't you ever want to be in a relationship, just so you can relax?" Dating and finding "The One," the whole game, is stressful and, at the very least, annoying. Getting over a breakup takes work too. It doesn't happen by itself. Time helps, sure, but staying in bed eating ice cream watching reruns of your favorite TV show isn't going to help you get over your ex.
I know for myself, after big breakups, it's always necessary for me to reset. How I do this often varies, but preferably it involves taking a vacation (or two). If you can't afford the time off (or financial expense of the trip), weekends away work too. It's about mixing up your usual routine.
Social support, spending time with friends, is really important in a reset too. Picking up new hobbies, like running or crafting, or whatever it is that speaks to you, can help too. I find that writing and talking things out is cathartic and valuable. Feeling your feelings, not denying the sadness and/or anger, is healing as well. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, even if it feels like those things are few and far between these days. Look forward, and try not to look back. Don't question and analyze. If something is meant to be, it will come around. It doesn't help to live in the past. Emotional clarity will come with a period of no contact (texts, emails, social media stalking, etc.) and time. Go have some fun and remember that you are an awesome amazing person and your worth is not tied up in someone else. You'll have your day, and when that happens you'll be able to look back at the breakup through a new light.
There are so many different aspects to why breakups are hard, but check out some of my (many) other posts for that. Here I want to talk about getting over a breakup especially when you don't really want to. Hanging onto the breakup is us hanging onto whatever semblance we have left of the relationship, even if it's a load of pain.
I recently heard a line that I related to very much. It went something like this, "Don't you ever want to be in a relationship, just so you can relax?" Dating and finding "The One," the whole game, is stressful and, at the very least, annoying. Getting over a breakup takes work too. It doesn't happen by itself. Time helps, sure, but staying in bed eating ice cream watching reruns of your favorite TV show isn't going to help you get over your ex.
I know for myself, after big breakups, it's always necessary for me to reset. How I do this often varies, but preferably it involves taking a vacation (or two). If you can't afford the time off (or financial expense of the trip), weekends away work too. It's about mixing up your usual routine.
Social support, spending time with friends, is really important in a reset too. Picking up new hobbies, like running or crafting, or whatever it is that speaks to you, can help too. I find that writing and talking things out is cathartic and valuable. Feeling your feelings, not denying the sadness and/or anger, is healing as well. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, even if it feels like those things are few and far between these days. Look forward, and try not to look back. Don't question and analyze. If something is meant to be, it will come around. It doesn't help to live in the past. Emotional clarity will come with a period of no contact (texts, emails, social media stalking, etc.) and time. Go have some fun and remember that you are an awesome amazing person and your worth is not tied up in someone else. You'll have your day, and when that happens you'll be able to look back at the breakup through a new light.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Making Things Better
In a recent article, and talk, Rabbi Moshe Hauer nailed it. He spoke about how it's the community's responsibility to make things better for our singles.
He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.
You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.
While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.
He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.
You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.
While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.
Friday, August 4, 2017
Flying Without Wings –– Guest Post
Written by a friend, this brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. (All views and opinions belong strictly to the author.)
Why the heck is everyone trying to reach the NO!?
Look, I was once in shidduchim, and it was super frustrating and annoying. Especially when I was set up with guys who were so, um, NO! But for me, I felt that my effort was to seriously consider every potential guy with an ayin tova, a good eye. Instead of rifling through dirty laundry to find the NO!, I sought to discover the YES! Every person has good qualities and potential, and I wanted to find that. Every marriage requires flexibility and adaptability, so I worked to strengthen my versatility. NO! was not part of my overall vocabulary during this era in my life. There were only two young men who I turned away without meeting- one could only be described as a "well-hearted man" who "was just average" (nothing better to say?!), and the other had been raised in a certain environment that was antithetical to my values (ambiguous intentionally, as it was a red flag for me, but not necessarily for others. I also knew his family well, so it was not a blind, curtain dropping NO!) I felt that I should first get to know the guy, see the good for myself, before facing the negative facts.
My perspective: If Hashem has directed me to this young man, there must be a reason, something for me to gain from. Of course, at most times, I did not have a barrage of young men at my door. It is sometimes necessary to create a soft, nicely padded "No," for those times when options necessitate selection.
But when I try to set people up, I am met with resounding NO!s. First come the questions (how should I know how she'd react if she had a flat tire- never happened! Um, of course he'll wake up to feed the theoretical triplets when his wife is sleep deprived. Yes, naturally, she would drive to San Mateo, CA, to conduct a kiruv seminar with her husband if he was to become a world-renowned kiruv rav.) I have been shocked, but of the last 5 dates I have tried to arrange, 3 of them were NOs! because of a 3 or 4 hour driving distance.
Ah, the NO!s
No,
Too modern.
Too bald.
Too boring.
Too loud-tie wearing.
Too shiny teeth.
Too far a drive.
Too close to home.
Too typical.
Too exotic.
Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.
Too modern.
Too bald.
Too boring.
Too loud-tie wearing.
Too shiny teeth.
Too far a drive.
Too close to home.
Too typical.
Too exotic.
Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.
This is not directed to a specific person, but just some food for thought.
WHAT IF... your intended kallah was only 4'9" and you said no because you envisioned yourself with a tall blonde?
WHAT IF your intended beshert had a prosthetic leg and you always envisioned yourself with a two-legged man?
WHAT IF your intended beshert lived outside your 30 miles of comfort and you always envisioned marrying the girl next door?
WHAT IF the reason you are in shidduchim for this period of time is to extend yourself? To find yourself beyond the parochial confines of your imagination? What if the reason you are still lonely is because you said no to your intended beshert without ever meeting him?
When I was still dating, I would debate with my friends. Why do you ask about medical issues before meeting the person? Why do you talk about emuna, faith, but try to create your own recipe for a "happy marriage" by ruling out those with certain illnesses? G-d gives life, G-d takes away life, G-d forbid. He grants health, and just as easily, he can G-d forbid take it. In a society that is very focused on emuna when it comes to income, we seem to selectively abandon our emuna in dating. Hashem can easily bring upon post partum depression to that woman who had no TRACE of it beforehand...Hashem can instantly turn a healthy person into a type I diabetic -even adult onset! Hashem can, within the blink of an eye, distort our reality. And at the same time, those who have faced serious adversity (both in the form of health issues, dysfunctional backgrounds, etc.) can be the strongest, most amazing spouses and parents out there because they have worked their entire lives to OVERCOME.
I work in a health care environment of chronic diseases, and I am always amazed by the beautiful marriages some patients have built. "Wait, you married her knowing she would need this surgery some time in the near future?" "Hang on - you CHOSE to marry him, of all eligible men, despite this debilitating disease he has for life?" Yes. Not because they were desperate, not because they were angels. But because they CHOSE to see the YES, to see the good. They overlooked the NOs, they did not seek out the NOs before getting to know the soul, the good, the strength.
Everyone should merit to marry emotionally and physically healthy spouses- of course. But the path to marriage is not straightforward for most - we have to work, struggle, grow. What better way to start off the process than looking for the positive, for the YES!
As fate would have it, I had to attest to my convictions that I had so professed to my friends regarding health issues. If I had looked for the NO!, I would never have married my husband. He had a blaring handicap that was such a NO! without even meeting him. The NO! literally opposed an item on my list of top 5 qualities because my list did not leave room for revision, for interference. It's words had strict definition. But I was intrigued. And I was determined to focus on the positive. So I said yes. Throughout our dating, I got to see the immense good that the NO! almost clouded. Intensely sensitive to others. Super-humanly hard working. Everything he had, he had to work triple hard to obtain because of his disability. And by the end of our courtship - at the start of our marriage- I said to him, "If not for your disability, I would never have married you." Not a pity marriage- never marry for pity. I saw that his weakness - his disability- proved to be the source of all his strength. I realized that my vocabulary of my list was limited. I thought that certain traits were defined a specific way, but he taught me that you CAN fly without wings. You CAN see without eyes. If not for his disability, he would not have embarked on the journey to push himself to his potential. And that is an awesome, inspiring reality.
So please- next time you want to say NO!, reconsider. It may very well be that the NO! could be blinding you from the most amazing future. Live a little, surprise yourself, and see where the "yes" takes you.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Untying the Knot
Can we untie the knot that asphyxiates us with all this social pressure –– the feeling of needing life to be exactly as we always imagined it? Marriage is great, sure, says O'Shea, but not when it's about conformity, not when it toys with our sense of self. It causes singles to feel bad about themselves just because they're not part of the exclusive club, and it causes people to mindlessly marry just to fit with society's expectations. From the time we're little society places chains around our necks, which threaten to strangle us before we take our first steps.
Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.
Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.
O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...
Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.
Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.
Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."
While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."
When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.
One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.
Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.
Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.
O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...
Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.
Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.
Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."
While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."
When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.
One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
And So He Lives Happily Ever After
"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.
I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.
"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."
She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.
O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."
When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.
It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.
Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)
Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")
Stay tuned.
I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.
"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."
She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.
"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.
O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."
When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.
It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.
Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)
Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")
Stay tuned.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.
I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.
As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.
One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...
1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.
In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.
On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.
1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.
You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)
O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.
A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.
Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Dating Like A Boss
You know how they say that confidence is one of the most attractive traits? Perhaps there is a median here. Sure, confidence lends people poise, charm, assertiveness, and those, by definition, draw people to someone. It's also about if you are self-assured and you like yourself, it's easy for others to like you. However, arrogance and cockiness is not attractive in the least bit.
Having confidence about something that is not true, like when someone thinks s/he's smart, attractive, with-it, etc. and s/he is not, that is the quintessential turn-off. Also, many arrogant people operate from a place of ego. Under their mask, they aren't really confident, so they work hard to make up for it.
Not everyone finds confidence so attractive though. Many people are intimidated by it. Either they question what the confident person sees in them, because that confident person seems to have it all together, or they wonder if they will ever be able to measure up.
There is an added element with dating. Confident singles are direct, smile, make eye contact and speak with warmth and interest. They make it obvious that they’re interested, and so it's easy to like them because you know where you stand with them.
Interestingly, in a study done at Webster University, the researchers found that the girls who got more attention at the bar they were camping out in were the ones that made eye contact and were direct, versus the ones who were shy and barely talked. It didn't matter what they looked like!
Please just keep in mind that condescending arrogance is not confidence...
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Clap Along If You Feel Like Happiness is the Truth
What is happiness? How do we access it? Is it really as elusive as we sometimes feel it is?
Perhaps happiness is like a liquid; its form takes the shape of its container. Maybe it is different for everyone, or does it generally feel the same to all, just triggered and sustained differently for each individual? And, is it possible to be happy even when you feel like you're lacking something so integral to your contentment?
There is a ton of research out there on what happiness is, how to find it, and how to maintain it. After all, everyone wants to be happy and feel good. And that leads us to a basic understanding of happiness. It is an emotion –– an emotional and mental state of well-being defined by a pleasant feeling that ranges from basic contentment to intense joy.
We know that "happiness" is not necessarily about feeling good all the time. The ups and downs are what allow us to feel true happiness. You can only feel genuine joy if you have something to compare it to. It's about the mountains and valleys of life –– the accomplishments, the successes, that are born from struggle.
In saying as much, happiness seems to be a satisfaction with one's life. It isn't about money (beyond freedom from financial worry and enough to live comfortably and perhaps indulge every now and then). It's mostly not about anything material actually. Happy, winner of a handful of Best Documentary and Audience Choice awards portrays that some of the happiest people in the world live by simple simple means. Additionally, I don't know a statistic, but it's a known fact that some of the richest people are the most unhappy. It isn't about what we have per se, but how we understand and process it.
Not surprisingly, your genes, environmental factors (like life circumstances and things that happen to and around you), social relationships, accomplishments, etc., all affect your happiness. As does your way of thinking. Psychologists suggest that much of your happiness is under your personal control. Taking care of yourself, challenging yourself, setting and meeting goals, maintaining close social connections, and finding purpose beyond yourself are all ways that you can increase your life satisfaction and be happier.
Perhaps happiness is like a liquid; its form takes the shape of its container. Maybe it is different for everyone, or does it generally feel the same to all, just triggered and sustained differently for each individual? And, is it possible to be happy even when you feel like you're lacking something so integral to your contentment?
There is a ton of research out there on what happiness is, how to find it, and how to maintain it. After all, everyone wants to be happy and feel good. And that leads us to a basic understanding of happiness. It is an emotion –– an emotional and mental state of well-being defined by a pleasant feeling that ranges from basic contentment to intense joy.
We know that "happiness" is not necessarily about feeling good all the time. The ups and downs are what allow us to feel true happiness. You can only feel genuine joy if you have something to compare it to. It's about the mountains and valleys of life –– the accomplishments, the successes, that are born from struggle.
In saying as much, happiness seems to be a satisfaction with one's life. It isn't about money (beyond freedom from financial worry and enough to live comfortably and perhaps indulge every now and then). It's mostly not about anything material actually. Happy, winner of a handful of Best Documentary and Audience Choice awards portrays that some of the happiest people in the world live by simple simple means. Additionally, I don't know a statistic, but it's a known fact that some of the richest people are the most unhappy. It isn't about what we have per se, but how we understand and process it.
Not surprisingly, your genes, environmental factors (like life circumstances and things that happen to and around you), social relationships, accomplishments, etc., all affect your happiness. As does your way of thinking. Psychologists suggest that much of your happiness is under your personal control. Taking care of yourself, challenging yourself, setting and meeting goals, maintaining close social connections, and finding purpose beyond yourself are all ways that you can increase your life satisfaction and be happier.
Perhaps you think happiness lies in finding your spouse –– someone to share your life with, someone to connect with, take care of, someone to take care of you. You might even understand that your spouse won't be your everything, but this close connection with someone will certainly cause those feel good chemicals in your brain to proliferate. You wouldn't be wrong.
Speaking of which, there are four known natural chemicals that contribute to someone feeling happy: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins ("DOSE").
Dopamine is neurotransmitter, which means that it is responsible for transmitting messages in your brain. It is important for many things in your brain, but for our intents and purposes, it's the chemical we talk about when we say things like "pleasure or motivation pathways." It's about reward and reinforcement, the thing that makes things that we like feel good.
Oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone," is triggered when you feel close to another person. It doesn't have to be physical closeness, although physical touch does release oxytocin. Emotional connectedness, eye contact, attentiveness, social bonding, and the like all create oxytocin too.
Serotonin is most associated with mood. Like dopamine, it is a neurotransmitter that relays signals between neurons. It plays major roles in one's mood, feelings of anxiety, and happiness. Mood altering drugs like Ecstasy and LSD are known to tremendously increase levels of serotonin in one's brain. Serotonin is also known to be directly related to depression. In fact, the most popular antidepressants are SSRI's –– selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Other medications that treat depression work on serotonin in other ways. (Despite understanding the association of mood and serotonin, scientists do not yet know precisely how they work, and we are still unable to measure levels of serotonin in the brain.)
Serotonin plays an important role in how we feel, and there are many natural ways to boost one's serotonin levels. Mood induction, altering one's thoughts, either through psychotherapy or self-help, can increase levels of serotonin (it seems like the interaction between serotonin function and mood is a two-way relationship). Natural light is another thing known to increase serotonin synthesis and help with mood. Exercise has an antidepressant effect too, and some research has suggested that it can increase brain serotonin function. Healthy nutrition and eating foods that have higher levels of tryptophan could be linked to improved mood and cognition, possibly due to increased serotonin levels.
Lastly, endorphins are hormones that are responsible for masking pain or discomfort, as they are associated with our "fight or flight" reflex. They are said to be like morphine, reducing pain and increasing positive feelings. Endorphins are released during exercise and other strenuous acts, in response to physical or emotional pain, and triggered by eating, drinking, connecting with others, and other pleasurable activities.
So yes, of the four "feel good chemicals," a close loving relationship would probably increase all. However, there are other ways to trigger them as well. Fostering other close social relationships is a good example. You can be happy without a relationship, even if it's more difficult. You just have to work a little harder.
Happiness is contentment. Happiness is letting go what you think should have been and accepting what is. Happiness is living for the moment. Happiness is accomplishing a long awaited goal. Happiness is having a purpose. Happiness is loving and being loved. Happiness is being motivated to do what I need to to feel good about myself. Happiness is recognizing that what I'm chasing was within me all along. Happiness is having a real friend who cares. Happiness is curling up by a fireplace on a cold snowy day with someone you love. Happiness is watching someone else experience something you love for the first time and the look of appreciation on his face. Happiness is driving along the highway with the windows down on a perfect spring day. Happiness is when someone returns your genuine smile and you know you made his day. Happiness is when you can focus on all the good things you have in life. Happiness is a choice.
Happiness is contentment. Happiness is letting go what you think should have been and accepting what is. Happiness is living for the moment. Happiness is accomplishing a long awaited goal. Happiness is having a purpose. Happiness is loving and being loved. Happiness is being motivated to do what I need to to feel good about myself. Happiness is recognizing that what I'm chasing was within me all along. Happiness is having a real friend who cares. Happiness is curling up by a fireplace on a cold snowy day with someone you love. Happiness is watching someone else experience something you love for the first time and the look of appreciation on his face. Happiness is driving along the highway with the windows down on a perfect spring day. Happiness is when someone returns your genuine smile and you know you made his day. Happiness is when you can focus on all the good things you have in life. Happiness is a choice.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
It's Just Coffee
The shidduch equivalent to "getting drinks" is "grabbing coffee." Although, it doesn't always involve actual coffee. It's a short, no commitment, almost pre-date to ascertain whether the two parties would be superficially compatible and a means to determine whether they should attempt dating. It's generally utilized when either party happens to be in the city of the other when s/he resides elsewhere, or when the idea is likely a shot in the dark.
Most recently I agreed to meet a guy for coffee, because it was last minute and I was pretty sure he wasn't for me. He actually took me to Starbucks, and while he harped on the fact that his OJ was hand-squeezed and asked me what it actually means to "live outside your comfort zone" and "try something new daily," we talked about his life ambitions. I think it was pretty clear to us that it wasn't a shidduch, and thus a one hour almost painless coffee date and we went our separate ways. (Nothing against him, really nice guy, just not a shidduch.)
While first dates should never be long anyway, a coffee date is helpful in scenarios where there hasn't been any extensive checking into or analysis if this person "is the type." It isn't a big deal, and perhaps more first dates should be like this.
The other side to this is what if someone travels to meet a girl or vice versa, it seems silly to just spend an hour with the person. There's also more that can be gleaned from a longer date, getting to know a little bit more about the person.
Sometimes this idea backfires too in other ways. I once travelled somewhere for a date, I think I spent Shabbos at relatives and went out Motzei Shabbos. The date was a non-starter, and while I had a meeting Sunday morning and plans with a friend Sunday afternoon, this friend decided to ask her husband to set a date up for me Sunday night, a coffee date. We went out, we had a nice time, extending the date a few hours past that requisite one hour, and we both told the go-between that we were interesting in proceeding. We exchanged resumes, and we made up that we would look into each other and continue going out...or at least that was the impression I got. After me waiting a week, the guy got back to my friend's husband and told him that another suggestion came up for him in his city, so he's going to go ahead with that.
I think the situation was a little confusing. Had he not wanted to go out again, he could have said so upfront. I waited a week for him to say he was going to pursue something else. And so, coffee dates can be confusing, because with this "no commitment" deal, expectations aren't always understood. It's important to be upfront from the beginning what each party is expecting. Is it really "no commitment," or if it goes well are you both committing to an actual date?
Sometimes it can just be coffee. It can take the pressure out of that first date/starting something new.
Most recently I agreed to meet a guy for coffee, because it was last minute and I was pretty sure he wasn't for me. He actually took me to Starbucks, and while he harped on the fact that his OJ was hand-squeezed and asked me what it actually means to "live outside your comfort zone" and "try something new daily," we talked about his life ambitions. I think it was pretty clear to us that it wasn't a shidduch, and thus a one hour almost painless coffee date and we went our separate ways. (Nothing against him, really nice guy, just not a shidduch.)
While first dates should never be long anyway, a coffee date is helpful in scenarios where there hasn't been any extensive checking into or analysis if this person "is the type." It isn't a big deal, and perhaps more first dates should be like this.
The other side to this is what if someone travels to meet a girl or vice versa, it seems silly to just spend an hour with the person. There's also more that can be gleaned from a longer date, getting to know a little bit more about the person.
Sometimes this idea backfires too in other ways. I once travelled somewhere for a date, I think I spent Shabbos at relatives and went out Motzei Shabbos. The date was a non-starter, and while I had a meeting Sunday morning and plans with a friend Sunday afternoon, this friend decided to ask her husband to set a date up for me Sunday night, a coffee date. We went out, we had a nice time, extending the date a few hours past that requisite one hour, and we both told the go-between that we were interesting in proceeding. We exchanged resumes, and we made up that we would look into each other and continue going out...or at least that was the impression I got. After me waiting a week, the guy got back to my friend's husband and told him that another suggestion came up for him in his city, so he's going to go ahead with that.
I think the situation was a little confusing. Had he not wanted to go out again, he could have said so upfront. I waited a week for him to say he was going to pursue something else. And so, coffee dates can be confusing, because with this "no commitment" deal, expectations aren't always understood. It's important to be upfront from the beginning what each party is expecting. Is it really "no commitment," or if it goes well are you both committing to an actual date?
Sometimes it can just be coffee. It can take the pressure out of that first date/starting something new.
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