One Check, Two, Gray Checks, Blue

One check
Two
Gray checks
Blue

Multiple past promises of
"I'm always here for you."

"Always here if you need to vent,"
"Really, don't spare me any of your discontent."

Online
Last seen a minute ago
Online
Last seen not a minute ago

Experiencing all this
Stress and fear
Needing you
You said you'd be there

Every inane thing I said
You always sent a reply
Now when I'm going through rough times
What happened to that guy?

I hate how I let you
Mess with my head
Wondering why you're ignoring me
Wishing I didn't care instead

Making me wonder did I do something wrong
Why did you stop answering me
We seemed to be, quite nicely,
Getting along

Will I know tomorrow
Will you answer me
Or is this it
Is this all we will be

Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind

What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?

Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?

Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?

What's the right thing to do here?

I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?

Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?

So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.

Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.

Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.

#ihatethisgame

When A Person Becomes A Label –– Guest Post

We live in a world of labels –– on food, clothes, politics, and everything in between. Everywhere we go, labels provide us with information, both crucial and non-crucial. They can also serve the purpose of showing others who we are as people. So, of course, why would anyone then expect dating to be any different?

I was signing up for SYAS the other day, and one of the fields that it asks is how you identify religiously. These choices ranged from Traditional and Reform to Yeshivish and Chassidish, going into as much detail as "Modern Orthodox Machmir" and "Modern Yeshivish." With all those choices, you would think that they span the spectrum and cover everyone, right?

Now, from a purely logical point-of-view, I can understand the use of using this system; it allows people to weed out those that are not for them at a quick glance. However, the problem is that dating, relationships, and love are not intellectual by definition. How is it that we can boil down who someone is to a label? And what happens when someone falls through the cracks?

I grew up going to a Frum Jewish day school and went on to study in yeshiva, both for high school and after. But the thing is, I didn’t become Frum until 11th grade. So, not only am I dealing with the stigma of being a Baal Teshuva, there is no box for me at all. I feel like I am too Yeshivish for the MO crowd and too Modern for the Yeshivish crowd.

Now, I don’t have answers for this, but what can we do as a community for those like me that don't feel like they have a place? The feeling of continuous rejections, either because a shadchan can’t comprehend what I'm looking for, or because someone takes a look at my resume and instantly thinks that due to my background/family I can’t be who I say I am or I'm not right for them.

In short, while labels can be useful, perhaps they should not necessarily have the amount of power they are given. There is no doubt that we need a system to help figure out (quickly) who is worth looking into, but I feel that we must remember that as singles we are going through this together. It would behoove us to remember that while labels may tell you something about a person, they are not the full embodiment of that person, and we owe it to ourselves, and each other, to look past the superficial.

And So He Lives Happily Ever After

"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.

I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."

She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.

"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."

Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.

O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."

When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.

It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.

Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)

Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")

Stay tuned.

Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.

I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.

As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.

One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...

1. Be Impeccable with your Word 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally 

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don’t Make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best 

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.

In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.

On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.

1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.

You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)

O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.

A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.

Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.

On Connection and Rejection

If this is hope, then what is despair? Is it this? They say that the only direction when you're at rock bottom is up...

My friend was having a hard time after a guy she really liked broke up with her through the shadchan. They'd only gone out twice, yet she said it was more about the hope it presented to her. She'd never liked anyone as much as this one guy...and she's been dating for more than a decade.

Listening to her lament triggered so many things for me. I've been in her place, multifold, so many times. For me it isn't about the guys that I've dated only twice, but the ones I go out with long enough to establish a real relationship, a bond. They open up to me, they let me in...and then I'm left holding their garbage.

I guess this is how it works in any failed relationship really. The shidduch system bites just a bit more though, because you don't really ever have the opportunity to talk to an ex ever again. (It often doesn't work to be friends with an ex in the secular world either, but that's a different discussion.) It feels like I'm left holding a part of someone else I wish I could just give back. I can't be there to support him, to share in his life, any longer, so I don't want this piece of him anymore. In the same vein, I want the piece of my heart back that I've given to him. He showed that he didn't want it, couldn't take care of it, so he needs to return it please.

When there's closure in a relationship this is usually easier, but so many things can blast that apart. For example, when a guy reaches back out at some point after the break-up, but then leaves the door hanging ajar with no clear message of why and if he's interested or not to redate, when an ex you dated for a looong time gets engaged shortly (very shortly) after your breakup with him/her, when someone sends you mixed signals about whether or not s/he thinks that perhaps the relationship might work at some point in the future...

In general, it's just excruciating...doing this over and over and over. It's a feeling I think that someone who hasn't had relationships like this, no matter how long they've been dating, just cannot understand.

Focusing on other joys in life and remembering that being vulnerable and open is the only way forward is how to continue to slog through this...there are no shortcuts apparently.

Scoring on a Rebound

Can a rebound be the real deal?

Seeking comfort after a heartbreaking, perhaps severely distressing, experience in which you may be questioning yourself, your self-worth, your desirability, etc., is completely normal. These feelings of vulnerability and loneliness can be staunched by connecting with someone new, even if this person isn't right for you. In situations where emotions are heightened, it is common for people to confuse their feelings for something different. (For more of a discussion about this, refer to my "Love At First Sight" post.)

What goes through people's heads' who date someone seriously, perhaps for long drawn out periods of time, dump her/him, and then get engaged to the next suitor, a mere few weeks later? Is this pure rebound science? Are people in these relationships happily married?

Science suggests that rebound relationships can definitely help people heal from a breakup, because being in a relationship (presumably any relationship) promotes higher self-esteem, attachment security, and all those good things that come from healthy relationships. However, when someone is clinging to a relationship only because s/he wants to feel wanted and the relationship is all wrong, this backfires. Therefore, when people marry a rebound, often the foundation of the relationship is critically damaged. It's the same kind of situation that results from someone trying to fill a need in himself/herself by marrying someone that has that specific characteristic. For example, if John himself wants to be (or wants to be seen as) more confident and/or assertive, he may be looking to marry someone who is all that.

However, your spouse is not your cure-all. Two complete people are needed in a relationship for that relationship to work (in a healthy manner). You cannot marry someone just because s/he fills a need. I mean, you can, but that relationship is going to have holes in it, and it's going to take a lot of work to make that healthy and fulfilling in the long run.
If you weren’t willing to settle for your ex, you’re a fool to settle for your rebound.I'm no stranger to this phenomenon of rebound relationships...at least being the party from whom the rebounder is rebounding...Recently, a friend of mine had the same situation. The guy she dated seriously, who said he likes to take things slow and work relationships out slooowly, got engaged a very short time after they broke up.

The only thing I can think of is that something that didn't click with the last relationship, clicked with the new one. What didn't feel right after months of dating, obviously felt right with the kallah.

I have a friend who married her rebound, and she's happily married. When she was dating her husband, it was "so clear" to me that it was a rebound, but somehow it worked out for her, and she really just believes the right one came on the heals of the very wrong one. It could happen.

Ghoster

You promised me the world
Then took off and ran
Why you left so abruptly
I still don't understand

Maybe you thought you couldn't be
Good enough for me
But it's not about "worthy"
You're great as is - honestly

You threw me away
Like a used plastic bag
I really want closure
But I won't be a nag

I know this has got
Mostly to do with you
But why is it that what we had
You now totally eschew

I don't know where your head is
If you think about me at all
But I still wonder about
What specifically was our eight ball

I'm stuck at getting through the day
With a fake smile on my face
Trying so desperately
This pain to erase

As far as broken records go
This one is stuck the most
I continue to think about you acting,
For all-intents-and-purposes, like a ghost

As much as I can rationally understand
That it isn't anything that I did
It still really hurts that one day we were great
And the next you were totally off the grid

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part
That you'll contact me one day
But without some sort of ending
Closure for me is faraway

Perhaps it will take another
Who will take your place in my heart
But even then I will wonder
What caused you to depart

Where are you now
And where are you headed
How will I extract this piece of you from within me
Where it is so deeply embedded

How is it that you
Affected me so
But you could simply, without goodbye,
Head out and just go

Do you think about me at all
Remember what we had
Or doesn't your life leave room for that
Are things really that bad

You were the one to start all this
To say all these things that I believed
Why is it that now I'm the one
That is left feeling so aggrieved

Am I ever going to know
What went through your head
Am I ever going to know
Why it is you fled?

Heartbreaker or Heartbroken: Which Side Is Harder?

Is it harder to break up with someone or to have someone break up with you?

The context obviously makes a big difference here. If the situation is one in which you have only just met the person and you're operating on a superficial level, or there was little to no connection/chemistry, neither is probably that difficult. Sure, you may feel bad if the other person had feelings for you, and/or was very positive about the shidduch, but at the end of the day, it's just not that hard to say goodbye to someone you shared little with. (If there is hurt here, it would be the losing what the shidduch represented rather than the person himself/herself.)

In cases of longer stints, if you know that someone likes you and you don't like him/her, it may be harder to be the heartbreaker, because if the other party ends things, you probably won't be that broken up. On the flip-side of that, if you like someone and s/he doesn't like you, I'm not sure which would be harder. You almost don't want the person to continue dating you if you know s/he's not into it, so you might rather him/her break it off, but maybe it gives you a sense of empowerment to be the one to call it quits.

I was once dating someone, and things were a bit ambiguous. We got along great, but we had some major hashkafa questions. When push came to shove, because we weren't sure about things, he decided that was enough of a reason to break up. (I should mention that he was happy to continue dating forever, but I sort of forced his hand by inquiring what we were "up to" and wanting a direction/tachlis for our dating.) He suggested we take a break (indefinitely), in other words, break up and keep the option open of revisiting things. (Tangentially, revisiting is always an option, regardless if you outline that when you part ways or not. It makes things harder when you do say it, because you then keep this person in the back of your mind, and it's harder to move on. But maybe that's just me and my need for closure.) Either way, ultimately, he made me feel like I was breaking up with him, or at the very least like it was mutual. I think he thought he was being nice by giving me that empowerment. 

When you find yourself in a serious relationship in which both of you thought things were going somewhere, this is obviously the most difficult scenario. If you break things off, you may end up feeling really awful about what you did to the other person, second guessing your decision, feeling like you created your own unhappiness, or a whole slew of other emotional repercussions. In this case being the heartbreaker still leaves you heartbroken. The other side of that coin is feeling jilted and angry. However, that anger is almost better than just the lonely sad and perhaps guilty feeling of scenario one. 

In one of my serious relationships, I called it quits at the end of round one. I remember feeling really bad about it for awhile afterward. At the end of round two, he ended up picking up that break-up, although we both agreed marriage was not in the cards for us, and the break-up was mutual. I guess we were just not in agreement when the break-up should happen, or maybe it was the fact that he was engaged a little over two months later. He was good about making sure we were both ready to part ways and move on, had the clarity and closure we both needed, but still I think I felt differently than round one. 

For sure in the scenario with the dude I was almost engaged to, in which he changed his mind out of the blue refusing to give any explanation and then got engaged five weeks later, anger helped me there. Had I listened to all the pink/red flags and been the one to break up with him instead of the other way around, I think it would have taken me a lot longer to get over him than it did this way.

Bottomline, break-ups are difficult no matter which way they break. So, please remember a little break-up etiquette. 

Mixed Messages

Recently my friend sent me a meme she came across on Instagram: "He's the king of mixed signals and she's the queen of getting her hopes up."

How often does it happen that people, guy or girl, transmit mixed messages that leave the other party scratching his/her head? It's sort of par for the course with shidduch dating. People often don't communicate, and there is no real sense of accountability when either one can go back to the shadchan at any time and decide not to continue pursuing the shidduch.

My friend dated a guy who took her out for five hours on their first date, they hit it off apparently, and he showed her that he was into her during the consecutive three dates in which he played her his favorite love songs, gave her flowers, and just in general strung her along. After their fourth date, with no hint whatsoever to the girl herself, he told the shadchan that he didn't want to see her again.

Honestly, if he had the clarity that she wasn't for him, that's great, but if he wasn't sure about her, he needed to tone it down. You might argue that maybe he really did like her and then something came up, but there is a mentchlach way to navigate this. You're dealing with a person who has feelings, not a name on a paper!

Once upon a time, in a situation probably written about multiple time in these pages, I was dating a young man whom I ended up going out with for quite some time. However, in the beginning I was really confused about how I felt and thought about him. On one hand, he was a really good guy and I was sort of intrigued by him, but on the other, there were things that bothered me, I didn't really like him (at that point), and wasn't really sure I wanted to continue. Confident and forward as he was, I remember him asking me towards the end of our third date, "What's up? How are you feeling about this? Do you want to go out again?" He followed that up by saying that he felt like he was getting mixed messages from me, so he had to ask what was going on in my head.

Although I felt put on the spot, I appreciated his open communication. That conversation actually fueled our relationship, the fact that we had this really candid and honest dialogue. I recall answering his question with something to the tune of, "You're right, you're getting mixed messages, because I'm having mixed feelings." Because he asked, I was able to explain that I wanted to follow down the potential that I saw, but I was withholding, because I wasn't really sure where or if things could go and didn't want to lead him on. He reassured me that he's a big boy and could take whatever comes, and he just asked that we talk about what was going on. And so, off we set into the sunset...until our sun set. (Little does he know that this is sort of the model that I now like to base my dating communication on.)

It really all comes down to the communication thing. If you're at the point that you're on a date, ie. meeting a potential marriage partner, you're two adults trying to establish a relationship. You can hide behind whatever guise you'd like, be it using the shadchan as your buffer and/or to do your dirty work, (phony) flattery and flirtation that keeps things from getting real, or simply just not being genuine with the person you're seeing. Yet, this only goes so far until it blows up in your face, or more likely, the face of the person you're dating. Again, you're dealing with a person, not a name on a paper. Yes, people get hurt in situations like these, but you have the power to make the hurt less. Therein lies the difference between hurting and wronging someone. There's a way to do this properly.

Reserving Judgement

Back in the day when someone having a Facebook account was a deal breaker for me, I went out with a guy that mentioned on our second date that his account was public. Honestly, I think I was pretty torn about this. I knew he was a good guy, a keeper in so many ways, but I couldn't get past the fact that he had Facebook and considered it "normal." Common sense told me that I needed to understand that factor with regards to who he was rather than making a judgement off the cuff.

People are complex (even when they're simple), and we each have so many different defining factors. It's easy to judge people regarding what we perceive on our little "petri dish" dates. We make conclusions about people based on isolated incidents and condemn them without bothering to get to know who they really are and what these things really mean in that context.

If someone uses a word that you're uncomfortable with, it's easy to just "say no" and keep things moving. Using colorful language, especially on a beginning date, can definitely be a pink flag, but one word is a whole different story. It doesn't give the person a status or say anything about his/her character necessarily; it just means s/he used a word you don't like. We sometimes lose the forest for the trees. In this particular instance it could just mean his/her lingo varies from your own and s/he could tailor his/her speech if it's really that offensive to you.

On another occasion, I was dating a fellow who, when I first met him, I felt made fun of people freely. It bothered me a lot, and I remember thinking that it was a middos thing. I could have dropped him like a hot potato, but I could tell that he had so many other great qualities. I filed that piece of information away, and I made a note to watch out for it as I got to know him. Happens to be, as I learned more about who he was, I realized that he didn't have bad middos. His "making fun" wasn't mocking, and he overarchingly treated people well. Had I gone with my unthinking reaction, I would have lost out on learning what he really was about.

When something that someone does on a date generates a gut "I need to break-up with him/her," response, it's always a good idea to get in touch with the why. Generally you'll find that what happened triggered some other experience(s) for you. It means that you're projecting your feelings about someone or something else onto your date. It could very well be that the guy/girl you're currently dating shares like characteristics with whomever you've had a negative experience with in the past, but it might serve you well to see how the person at hand wears this trait. Not everyone who is an independant thinker ignores daas torah, for example, nor does being confident mean domineering/pushy.

Jumping to conclusions means you miss out. Would you write someone off as quickly if you met him/her outside of this shidduch laboratory?

Rejection

If you google the word "rejection," you'll come up with some mighty interesting facts about this phenomenon. This TED talk makes a case for practicing emotional first aid, treating the damage that rejection wreaks: casualties to one's mood and self-esteem, intolerance for criticism, and how it destabilizes our need to belong. The same psychologist writes an article for Psychology Today claiming that the emotional pain that rejection elicits "piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain," so much so that "Tylenol reduces the emotional pain that rejection causes." He also proposes that rejection "temporarily lowers our IQ" and it "does not respond to reason," often "sending us on a mission to seek and destroy our own self-esteem."

There are theories about about how this need for belonging is rooted in the human "hunter-gatherer" past in which acceptance within a tribe was necessary for survival. And, other research by psychology professor Arthur Aron (and colleagues), known for his work on intimacy in interpersonal relationships (most famous for his 36 Questions experiment), suggests that rejection hurts so much because when people are in close relationships, their sense of self becomes intertwined with their partner's.

Obviously there are different levels of rejection based upon the situation. Dating has given me the opportunity to experience the gamut from both sides of the fence. With regard to which is harder, being rejected or rejecting someone else, perhaps I'll think on that one and get back to y'all on that. However, there is an important insight that I've picked up in my travels that I'd like to share.

Dating isn't a chessed. Rejection isn't personal, and it really just means that the relationship wouldn't work in the long run. You can't keep dating someone just because you feel bad to hurt him/her should you break it off. It may hurt regardless, but it will hurt a lot more when the rejection comes later in the game. Because of the uniqueness of our system, the focused way we date, should we recognize that a relationship would not thrive marriage-wise, it's not a "nice" or "positive" thing to string it along. Of course there are better and worse ways to break it off, but continuing once someone has that clarity defeats the purpose. (Going on another date or having a conversation with the person to clarify and/or help the other person gain closure falls within the realm of "better ways" to break it off. Remember that it's still a person you're dealing with and just because "these are the rules to the 'game,'" it's still real life and you still need to treat people nicely and with middos and respect.)

If you can wrap your head around that fact that a rejection is not personal and at some point it probably would have been you breaking up with the person had s/he not done it at this point, it's easier to put things into perspective. We need to consciously be aware of the narratives we create about an experience. It's easy to blame yourself and say something like, "I did/am something wrong. S/he thinks badly of me, etc." Another way to see it might be, "There was a miscommunication/lack of communication, and in the future, with the right person, we'll be able to get through these type of things and be better off for it."

It's so important to promote resilience in the face of pain. Your worth is not tied up in the person who walked away from you. Remember, if s/he can't appreciate who you are, you deserve to be with someone who does. People are different and don't value the same things. In a simple example, it's like telling an objectively really good-looking person that s/he isn't "your look." The person deserves to be with someone who thinks s/he is gorgeous. If it can't be you, then you shouldn't be with him/her. Let the person walk away who doesn't want you, s/he isn't rejecting you, s/he's rejecting the aspect that wouldn't work in a marriage. You don't want that relationship anyway; s/he just has that clarity now, and you would have come to it at some point.

The "Hard to Get" Seesaw

Dr. David Lieberman, the human behavior and relationships guru, in the same dating/relationships talk in which he spoke about mental health issues and red flags, discussed the delicate balance of give and take in an early relationship. He spoke about how there needs to be some sense of holding back, "playing hard to get" if you will. Pop psychology explains that this increases your mystique, attraction and desirability level. Being needy and clingy, over-interested, is unattractive, and if the other person thinks that you worship him/her then s/he may start thinking that s/he can do better.

On the other hand, if you're distant and aloof, the other person may begin to believe that you don't like him/her, that you aren't into the shidduch, so s/he will begin to develop a distance and think about all the reasons why s/he doesn't think it will work. Some of that is probably resentment, and part of that is him/her protecting himself/herself. Being straightforward with someone develops trust and honesty in the relationship, and it contributes to someone's feelings for the other.

"Playing hard to get" may increase desire (to pursue someone), but it decreases positive feelings towards the person. There is a delicate balance here that needs to be achieved. If you like someone, you don't need to show everything, but let him/her know that you're interested in him/her, committed to seeing things through.

The Morning After

There's always aftermath following a first date. If it's a really good date, often you may not know what the other person was thinking and you can work yourself up trying to think about what he's going to tell the shadchan about whether he'd like to see you again, or if it's more causal, whether he's going to get in touch. If it was pareve, ie. you really don't care either way, I guess that's the best scenario. Whatever happens doesn't really mean that much. Even so, every date is effort.

The worst is when it's a really bad date. Bad dates make me feel worse than never having gone out at all. I think it makes me question why whoever set us up did. What is wrong with me? Will I ever find the right one? Are there any normal guys out there? How long will I have to keep doing this? Will I ever get married, or am I destined to just continue dating for the rest of my life?

I have a friend who likes to label her bad dates as fodder for our next Purim shpiel. We all have to manage to get through it somehow. It's just hard to shake sometimes, and it isn't limited to a morning after hangover. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. It's easy to carry around.

A guy I once dated told me that for him rejections (after a few dates with someone he saw potential with) were like a 24 hour bug. He'd feel down for about a day, but then ultimately get over it. I think I can relate to that (more on rejection another time perhaps), but in saying that, maybe bad dates trump someone's (1-4 date) rejection. It's like the situation, shidduchim, or life is rejecting you.