Your Call: Finding Out Shidduch Info by Talking to References

"Well, yeah, I pay them to sell me."

Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?

Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...

Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.

Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.

I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...

Get A Clue...Here Are Some For Free

A lull in the conversation, well actually, that would indicate there was a conversation going on. A random attempt at conversation, "So, what do you do when you aren't working?"

I have many hobbies and so the list was long. When I shared that I write, the next question that followed was, "What do you write?"

"I'm working on a book, and I blog."

"You missed the boat on that one, didn't you? People don't really do that anymore."

Excuse me?

Haha. I guess people don't really do this anymore. I guess this is passe. And yes, I know that blogging was quite a bit more popular some years ago. But so what? I'm not blogging to be part of the crowd. Really, what was the point of that comment?

I feel like dating lessons should be mandatory for some people.

The same way that you should always offer a drink to your date, you should actually get out of the car when you pick her up. (Especially when it's a first date and you're parked down the block and she doesn't know what your car, or you, look like.) It's not carpool.

Don't insult her/him. That doesn't make him/her like you better.

Don't say that what s/he's saying is k'fira just because you don't agree.

Don't tell her/him you're not flexible and that you never change your mind. That's not attractive. Compromise and trying to see things from another's perspective is essential for marriage.

Don't bang to get someone's attention (especially since you probably already have it).

All basic. Why do I even have to spell these out?

Dating Protips

Some of these, most of these, should be intuitive. Unfortunately they're not, so I'll spell them out.

Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.

1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.

2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?

3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).

4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?

5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.

Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind

What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?

Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?

Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?

What's the right thing to do here?

I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?

Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?

So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.

Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.

Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.

#ihatethisgame

Living With Boundaries

Being a frum Jew is all about living with boundaries, living within the confines of halacha.

As an aside, I was talking to someone recently who told me that to a teenage boy it sometimes feels like Yiddishkeit is all about restrictions and confinement. It's sometimes hard to see how the 12 hour school day is fulfilling at all. I get that, and that's a whole different issue. (It's a topic for a chinuch blog perhaps...)

Even while what this person said is unfortunately often accurate, "Ein l'cha ben chorin elah me sheosek b'torah" holds so much truth. Without Shabbos and yuntif we would be even more enslaved to technology. It's super addictive as it is, is it not? Pesach and chometz. Music and Sefira/The Three Weeks. After Pesach chometz tastes so much better. After The Three Weeks I can listen to my same (only tens of good) Jewish songs and they aren't annoying to listen to anymore. Taharas hamishpacha keeps a marriage and a couple's relationship special (obviously among other benefits). There are so many examples within Judaism.

While the boundaries that we have that affect dating, specifically shidduch dating, sometimes feel counterintuitive, especially the ones that society has made up and aren't halacha, most of them exist for a purpose and are helpful in the long run. I don't think I want to discuss specific boundaries here, because everyone, depending on their circles, ascribes to different rules and regulations, and I won't pretend to understand them all. For that reason I don't want to nitpick and perhaps seem like I'm making fun of any.

I do want to say though, that in my own personal experience, I've seen the benefit of the lines that I haven't been so keen on toeing.

In one relationship with a guy that I dated quite some time ago, we talked and texted probably every day. In many yeshivish circles this is frowned upon. I don't really understand that, because to me it would make sense to spend as much time as possible trying to build a relationship and get to know someone that you will potentially be spending the rest of your life with. To make a long story short, he claimed that the fact that we talked so much clouded his judgement and had we only went on two or three dates a week and talked one other time separate from that, he would have realized sooner that he was purely infatuated but had too many marriage concerns... Whether or not this makes sense is a different discussion (and written about in many other blog posts probably), but it reflects the lesson of how sometimes boundaries seem annoying, but they're really for our benefit.

Is It Easier To Be A "Good Girl" Than A "Good Guy"?

She wants a guy who davens with a minyan three times a day and is learning; she doesn't daven at all. She wants a guy who won't listen to secular music or watch movies, but she does, all the time. She says "it's different." Is it?

Is this a double standard? Does this make sense? Is there more expected of guys? Does it mean something different when a guy watches movies, listens to secular music, etc. than when a girl does? Is her neshama less corruptible? Her mind is impressionable too; her spirituality is affected as well. Guys' minds are different, for sure. Yes, it means something different for him to skip davening than for her too. I just wonder if she's deluding herself that this makes sense.

Long ago and far away my seminary teacher talked about how girls think they want one thing in a husband, but then when it comes down to it they don't really. She was warning against marrying a guy who wants to learn for a long time if that's not something that a girl could realistically support. She shared stories of girls who "forced" their husbands out of kollel, because they needed someone to bankroll their spending habits.

This works in the sense of presenting oneself one way but really being another. Will she be the one that introduces her husband to TV shows or pop concerts or whatever? Will she ask him to leave kollel to go to work, because she wants to live an expensive lifestyle?

The other side of this is what does it really take to be a "good girl"? Maybe she's tzanua (in act and dress), does chessed...what other expectations are there of her? Most people wouldn't ask of a girl to daven every day by sof zman tefillah, for example. He's expected, though, to be at minyan rain or shine and learn every day, ask his rebbi all his sheilos, and maintain gainful employment. What does she need to be to deserve this?

How Shidduchim Has Changed Within the Last Five Years

While it used to be about waiting by your phone for it to ring, hoping it would be someone with a suggestion for you, the ways shidduchim are brainstormed/redt nowadays has mushroomed quite a bit.

There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.

Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?

I'm not so sure about that.

Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)

However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.

I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.

"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."

"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."

"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"

"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")

Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.

I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.

So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.

Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov.  (At least something positive can come from this, right?)

Sit Still, Look Pretty

Second date, dressed like it was a second date, and the venue he took us to was packed. Trying to salvage the date, he suggested we relocate to a different locale nearby. The problem was that he proposed we go do an activity that isn't really possible in formalwear. I'm guessing that he was clueless to this, as sure, it might be a little uncomfy in dress pants and a dress shirt, but it's sort of impossible in the female version of second date attire. I subtly vetoed the idea without pointing out the gaps in this thinking by complimenting his first choice and suggested we stick around for a little while until it clears out a bit, which it did, in a fairly short amount of time. Win win.

What about when he keeps making the same wrong turn over and over and over again? (Waze is really patient!) Or he's clearly going to miss the exit or doesn't know the way but hasn't asked for directions and is just winging it? What if the date destination he suggests will lend itself to a bad evening? When is it okay to say something? Is it ever?

Because you don't know each other, and it isn't a normal relationship, everything you do gets judged and blown up. There's so little context to understand someone in the beginning of a relationship. Because there are certain expectations within shidduch dating, it's hard to say what is okay.  He initiates the process (ideas are usually redt to the guy first), he arranges, he drives, he pays, etc. What happens if she has something to say about it? Where's that line before she's labelled "pushy" or "overbearing?" What if it's about communication and mutual give and take? Sometimes I feel like this system assumes that all guys are looking for trophy-wife-eye-candy-yes-girls.

Dressing For a Date

A week or two after I ended things with the first guy I dated for a long time (ie. my first "serious relationship," not my "first guy"), I was so done with protocol. I was basically a rebound waiting to happen. What did I know from rebounds back then? Either way, I think the next up appreciated this, because he had been dating for awhile and a "serial dater" on top of that. He was ready to break the rules and have a good time doing it. Because we had a conversation about what formalities do and do not mean during our first date, he showed up to our second date with wet hair, one too many shirt buttons undone, and shoes that I can only describe as clogs. I'm not sure if he was trying to make a statement, make fun of me, or simply just got carried away.

What is appropriate attire for a date? Should you "dress up?"

Put it this way, no one is the authority on "what to wear" on a date. (In some circles you're "supposed to" wear hat/suit/tie on a first, and sometimes consecutive date/s, and others scoff at that idea.) The barometer is "what message am I trying to send?" Do you dress up for a job interview? Why would you not want to put your best foot forward on first/second date? Do you respect the person you're meeting to put yourself together? Do you respect yourself?

What sort of date are you going on? If you've arranged an informal coffee date or the like, you obviously don't want to show up in black tie formal wear. If you're doing an activity and it's a beginning date, you can get away with business/dressy casual. (A guy can always take off his tie and jacket. As a girl, keep in mind, "You can never be overdressed or overeducated." I believe that's Oscar Wilde.) In the frum world we have some further clothing delineations (at least for girls, it's a lot less complicated for a guy). Wedding attire, fancy Yuntif/Shabbos, casual Shabbos, Chol HaMoed wear, nice weekday garb, sporty apparel, etc. Just be practical. Do you really want to be traipsing around in high heels? Heels work for a lounge/dinner date but get in the way during most activities. As do black hats. (Unless you wear your hat everywhere, so that'd be indicative of a hashkafa I guess.)

I'm not sure why this isn't intuitive, but it's never okay to wear a shirt with a fraying collar/sleeves, badly scuffed shoes, a pilling sweater, severely creased clothing, anything with a hole, a stained tie, and the like. There is a difference between dressing casually and being put together and casual and "I can't be bothered." You don't want to look like you don't care how you look/how you represent yourself and/or that you don't notice what you're wearing. Your outward appearance is the first thing people judge you on, whether you like it or not. Hopefully it's not the only thing being judged or carry too much weight, but you can definitely lose or pick up some points here.

I think how you dress is about respecting yourself and this process. We're not just hanging out after school and going for ice cream. Putting yourself together means you put thought into getting ready for the date and put forth effort into the shidduch.

Momentum

Especially within Petri dish shidduchim, momentum is super important. Dating in a controlled system, when 'this' is "supposed to" happen at this time, you're "supposed to" be up to 'x' at that point, etc., there needs to be something that is keeping the relationship going. While the situation is already a bit forced and unnatural, too much time between dates and/or contact causes the couple to lose whatever comfortability and familiarity they have.

A second date is best when it closely follows a first date, and waiting more than a few days to a week before a couple sees each other again can set them back, almost as if they have to start all over again. That second date can be even worse than a first date, because it isn't a first date, so there isn't an excuse for the awkward "I'm meeting you for the first time and trying to figure out (how to navigate) our dynamic." Yet, you don't either really know the person, and you may have lost whatever familiarity you gained by the first meeting.

I was once dating someone, and for whatever reason, perhaps a sibling's wedding and sheva brachos, or maybe he got sick, we had a space of almost two weeks between our first and second date. The first half of that second date was preettty awkward. It wasn't a first date, so we were already acquainted and had covered the basic small talk, but we'd lost the small amount of ease we'd gained after our first meeting. We ended up doing the small talk again, trying desperately to break out of the floundering. I think we actually managed to do that about halfway through, and I ended up dating him two more times after that. I wonder if things would have been different had we not had that much lag-time.

In reality, momentum is crucial at every stage of the game. Each phase has its own challenges, but I think the beginning is the hardest to navigate. It's the awkward non-relationship stage where you're neither here nor there, and communication is stilted. I think some people believe shidduch dating is a bubble, and they fail to recognize that it isn't an excuse to treat anyone in any way that you wouldn't outside of this system. So, while you may not have a "relationship" with the person you dated a few times, mentchlach communication is still required...but I digress.

Within our system there are these added hurdles, these awkward rules and protocol that may or may not be assumed or followed. Is the couple communicating directly? Is it okay to call/text? Can they call each other by (first) name or is that too intimate? Will he ask her out or is the shadchan setting up the dates? Etc, etc. Until a relationship (and these things) is established, the non-relationship is sort of precarious, and their momentum hopefully works to propel them to smoother, clearer waters.

I believe it was a situation in which for awhile we were only able to date on weekends, and so since I'd met the guy, we talked on the phone, a lot. I'm not sure that was the greatest solution to this momentum issue, because it brought with it it's own challenges, but it lent a sense of comfortability and familiarity (or maybe that was there naturally, and it was the reason we were able to have hour long phone conversations every night even early on in the relationship).

Momentum is the something to keep in mind when deciding how much time to allow between dates; it can probably make or break a shidduch. Obviously, we don't date in a vacuum, real life will always do a good job of getting in the way, so we just have to be creative and work around the obstacles that life presents.

How to Effectively Use a Shadchan

For every different stage and slight different cultural disparities, there are various roles that shadchanim play within a shidduch. For the "yeshivish" 19 and 23 year olds who are going out for the first time, the shadchan will likely hold their hands through the whole process, from setting up dates, perhaps suggesting a venue, to moving the shidduch along, and even facilitating the engagement. For the 29 year olds who know the drill and have been through the process many times, perhaps the shadchan just introduced them and helped them to exchange phone numbers. They set up the dates themselves, and they may even let one another know when they don't think it's a shidduch without the intervening of a go-between.

It really all comes down to communication. When we're dating, we're trying to create a relationship with the other person. Sometimes shadchanim can get in the way of this when people use them as buffers or hide behind them. Having a shadchan can be useful in the beginning of a shidduch dating scenario, as it's less hurtful to end things through a third party when there isn't a relationship established yet. Shadchanim can also be helpful in terms of feedback when a couple is not at a stage where they are discussing this between themselves. For example, after a pareve first date (on my end), if I hear that the guy thought it was very positive, I'll usually give it another shot. Or, perhaps something someone does comes across some (negative) way, a shadchan may be able to explain it and help reconcile the situation.

I'm not a fan of using a shadchan past a third or fourth date, because I think it gets in the way of the couple establishing a real relationship. There needs to be accountability and communication. It's helpful for the shadchan to be involved, sure, but not that the guy and girl are going back to the shadchan after each date and saying whether they'd like to go out again and having the shadchan set up the date. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, but I would really like for a guy I'm dating past a third/fourth date to ask me out, even just to end the date by saying, "I had a nice time; can I call you to set up another date?" (If a girl can't give you a straight answer on that one, as the guy you just say, "Okay, no worries. We'll be in touch through the shadchan.")

Even when the couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be beneficial. Many shadchanim are in the practice of doing "dating coaching," and some of them are pretty good at it actually. Sometimes you're not hesitating about the person you're dating, but something the person or scenario is triggering. A good dating coach can help you realize and overcome this.

A shadchan is not just about "Do you want to see him/her again," and "Okay, when are you available," but also to help you get through the bumps along the way. They can (more) objectively hear about what you appreciate about the other person and what your concerns are. They can help you navigate how you're feeling and what makes sense for you. This all being said, they can assist you to do this without being involved every step of the way. At the end of the day, the relationship is just you and the other person. 

How to be a Good Shadchan Repost Plus

Granted, every shadchan has his/her own style, and some are super busy and just practically don't have time to do this right. But, aside from what's outlined in this post, there are a few other things that might be helpful to remember when setting people up.

Don't just fling names/resumes at someone and hope it sticks. Please explain why you think it's a good idea. "Oh, right, I had that idea, okay, just sent him your resume." (Probably along with three other girls'.) Really, and he's going to look at it why?

Try to get the two parties to communicate. Make sure there's a sense of accountability. If one party cannot, please help him/her explore why and communicate that to the other party. It's important information when trying to establish a relationship.

Get back to the parties ASAP; you have a responsibility towards them. Navigating an early (shidduch) relationship can be awkward and nerve-wracking. As the shadchan you have the power to alleviate that a bit. Be on top of the two parties and communicate what's up in a timely fashion.

Treat us with respect please even when you're not working on an idea for us. Don't do things that feed into the anxiety crisis that shidduchim has become. If you ask that people email you on a consistent basis just to touch base, then please acknowledge the reach-out. If people pay to come and meet you, please follow up even if nothing comes of your ideas. Just treat us as people and recognize that we're so burned out of meeting shadchanim.

Phones on a Date

Back in the old days we used an actual GPS or perhaps printed directions to get to the destination on a date. Nowadays we use our phones for everything. It used to be rude to take your phone out on a date, now it's common to access something on your phone to share with your date, whether it's pictures, something relevant to dating or getting to know you, looking up a hechsher, finding a location, etc.

I was once dating someone who had some trouble focusing and single-tasking. He was very distracted by everything -- watching the TV over my shoulder, checking out every person who walked by, and constantly taking his phone out of his pocket to look at every time it vibrated. On our 6th or 7th date I asked him (not in so many words obviously) if whatever WhatsApp conversation he was missing was more important than our date, and he apologized and asked me to hold his phone for him. Couldn't he have just put it on silent/do not disturb?

I think that sometimes we don't realize that we're being rude. People are so used to having their phones attached to them. When I'm out with friends I try not be on my phone unless it's something important, but some people don't have that sensitivity. There's a thing about when you go out with friends everyone puts their phone in the middle of the table, first person to take their phone to look at foots the bill for the evening...

On a first or second date your phone should probably stay away, but once things are more natural, less formal, maybe it's okay to pull it out for something. I guess I just hate stiffness and formality. If something makes sense then why do we try to conform it to a box it doesn't really fit into? It's like the "rule" about eating out on a first date. If you're hungry, go get something to eat. If I want to share something I painted or wrote, I'll take out my phone to show you.

Pictures

I used to be loath to send a picture with my resume. Now if someone asks for it, it's easier to just send it than to fight them. I think in general it's a dumb concept. If you want to date like that then sign up for a dating site where you can have access to a potential match's multiple profile pictures. 

People say that it's in your best interest to send a good picture of yourself, because you never know what picture that person might see of you otherwise. It's easy to find a picture of someone nowadays, whether it's online, via your own social media accounts or a friend or family member's of yours private social media pages. Maybe they know someone who has your phone number and you have a WhatsApp profile picture or the like... Or perhaps your friend or relative thinks they're doing you a favor and forwards a pretty unflattering photo of you.

Many people pride themselves on their online privacy. If you google their names you'll perhaps come up with a bunch of references to their professional work, or their name in the Whitepages, or any of the other scams that promise you everyone's info for the low price of $10.99 for absolutely nothing, but they're pretty sure there are no pictures of them online. How many pictures of you are floating around on other people's phones though?

So, to be honest, when I get a resume of a guy with his picture, I usually say no. Not that looks matter, because they don't necessarily, it's about the person inside, but when you aren't introduced to the inside person at the same time as the two-dimensional, it's often hard to remember that. 

There's a certain amount of chein that people have that make them attractive that doesn't come across in a picture. I remember a few years back a shadchan asking me for a picture. I don't think that I'm super photogenic, but I shared one begrudgingly. She pestered me four or five times for a "better picture." "C'mon," she said, "You're so pretty, don't you have a better picture?" I wanted to respond, "If these pictures aren't good enough, I'll send you one more, and I'll even autograph it. The dude can marry the photo of me, because I sure am not going out with him if this is the big deal you say he's making about a picture." Since then I learned how to take better pictures I think. It's called sunlight and a chill with my brother and his professional camera. But really, why must we reduce people to their two-dimensional image? 

The Structure of a Shidduch Date (Dates 1-3)

I preach "go with the flow," "color outside the lines," "break the 'rules'," "loosen up," yada yada yada. And, I wholeheartedly believe it; there is no set way to do this, and none of this will be true across the board. I realize everyone probably likes to do things a little differently, so this is just based on my own observations and experiences. Only if you're looking for ideas of how to do this, this post is for you.

(As a side note, all this comes after a number of years of dating. I probably would have told you that a lot of this is crazy, had you told me this, in my own words, when I first started this parsha.)


Date One:

This is all about first impressions. Generally you're going out with someone that you haven't met before. You may have heard a lot of good things about him/her, and you're hoping that the date will confirm all of it.

If you're the guy, you may get to meet her parents, and this gives you insight into her family life. If you're picking her up from her house, you get to see where she lives, and this may or may not be information you'll tuck away for later should things progress. Perhaps you'll talk with her parents before meeting the girl herself, and how you greet her when she makes an appearance surely makes a difference.

I remember the first time a fellow who came to take me out on a date looked up from his conversation with my parents and gave me a warm smile as I came into the room. It was early on in my dating career, sure, but it's still sort of troubling that I remember this as a thing, because shouldn't everyone acknowledge the girl they've come to date? I remember, too, the guy who winked at me as I entered; that was a bit off putting. (I'd never met the guy in my life, he's sitting there talking to my parents, and we hadn't yet exchanged any conversation. Not the appropriate time for a wink.) Or, the guy who didn't look at me until we walked out the front door, and then he turned to me and said, "So, what's up," as if the whole scene inside with my parents was incredibly boring and a farce. ...Happy medium! Say hello and be respectful.

Generally, the guy runs the date and picks the location. (A setting in which they can have conversation and begin to get to know basics about each other is ideal.) Sometimes he'll choose to share where they are going and even ask her if it's a good place, and sometimes he'll just start driving. I've been on the receiving end of, "I was thinking about going --here--, how does that sound?" many a times. On the one occasion in which I told him I'd prefer to go somewhere else, he got upset, because apparently I was taking over and trying to run the show. I was confused, because I thought he was asking me where I wanted to go. Turns out it was a formality. Who knew?

I've been asked to help navigate on dates, and that's totally fair. If I had to drive, make small talk with a new person, and follow a GPS at the same, I might also get discombobulated. It can make getting to a location a joint effort as well, and one person doesn't have to feel like s/he takes the blame if they end up driving hakafos around a location because they can't find the right turn off. Collaborative navigating can also help a date in terms of conversation for the car ride.

Speaking of which, this date usually is fueled by small talk. It's about getting a general sense of the person, how you feel in their presence, if you are on the same wavelength (at least peripherally).

Regarding the date's length, that's covered in this post.

Walking the girl to her door at the end of the date is a nice practice even if you think it's all show. A simple "Good night/day," "It was nice to meet you," and "Thank you," is quite enough to leave your date with.

If you're using a go-between, getting back to the shadchan right away is the mentchlach thing to do. After a first date there is little agonizing about whether you want to go out again. Either it's a hard no, or it's a yes...it's only a first/second date after all. The other person is likely waiting to hear back regarding whether you want to see her/him again, and they may be nervous about it. Allay their fears by relaying your decision in a timely manner.

Date Two:

This date is still early, and doesn't hold that much significance. Often people will give someone another date even if they're not really feeling it, because they're giving the shidduch another shot in the hopes something new might blossom. (Oftentimes this does happen, but sometimes the second date just confirms what you may have already known to be true.) Of course, seconds dates can be a lot more than just second chances.

In my opinion, this is a date where the couple needs to do something. Not necessarily "do something" do something, but it should be more than just a repeat of date one. You already hit all the small talk, and you still don't really know this person, so you aren't yet having a deep connecting personal conversation. Therefore, having a fun part of the date (like doing something active, see this post for ideas) could work, or really just changing up the scenery, like going somewhere where there are external distractions so you don't have to come up with all the material yourself. Playing a low-key game could be an idea. Sometimes working questions into the conversation from Loaded Questions, The Ungame, or other like games works too. I've done Myers-Briggs type questions/quizzes too on dates. It's an easy way to get to know someone, by trading Myers-Briggs quiz questions and learning about the person's personality preferences. In the age of the smartphone, it's pretty easy to come up with something.

On a date, once upon a time, a guy introduced me to "Shidduch Bingo." It's low prep, because all you need for the game is two pieces of paper, two pens, and a scissors. The way the game goes is you cut your paper in half, and make one half your bingo board. Draw five rows by five columns, marking your middle space as free and numbering the rest of the open spaces randomly with the numbers one through twenty four. On the second half of your paper, you and your date each write twelve questions. Don't forget to number them! Examples might be: What's your favorite food? What was the last book you read? Or, you could throw in some more intense questions like, What's something you're working on right now? Since it's a second date, you get to decide how in depth you want your answers to be. You can answer that one about what you're working on with a "I'm working on finishing this paper for school," or you could say "I'm working on being more patient with people when they make me upset." The questions get cut up and folded up into the middle. You and your date take turns picking questions at random (and you both answer every question no matter who picked it). After you answer, you cross off that number from your bingo board. First person to get bingo wins! (You can of course keep playing until you've answered all the questions.)

A second date can be longer than a first date, because you have some feedback that the person isn't completely dying of boredom or that they're feeling like it's completely off base. (S/he agreed to another date with you.)

Again, getting back to the shadchan in a timely manner is the nice thing to do. If you need some time to think about things, at least let the shadchan know that, and the shadchan can decide whether this is important information to convey to the other party. Feedback is so important in a shidduch situation. I know I stress this a lot, but it's wrong to go out with someone and give the impression that it's all good and then discontinue the shidduch through the shadchan.

Date Three:

Third dates don't have to mean anything at all, but when you agree to a third date it normally means that there's something there for you. Perhaps it's all on paper, and you're trying to reconcile the intellectual with the emotional, or it's the opposite, and it's all emotional and not rational at all. There is the option, too, that things are progressing nicely, and you "say yes" to a third date, because you genuinely think the shidduch has potential.

Third dates can be longer and a little less formal. It's a good date to begin to get to know what makes the other person tick. If you didn't do something on the second date, definitely do something on the third date. It can be a date that has multiple parts, starting at one location and continuing somewhere else. For example, you can go somewhere and then go for a walk, share a meal, whatever. Having an active part of the date followed with a more serious one is good dating strategy (for this date, or later, depending on what you're up to).

Also depending on what you're up to, the end of this date may be a good time to have a conversation about where you're holding. (Many people will wait until date four or five, but if you're feeling like it has potential and you're getting the vibe that the other person thinks so too, go for it.) Asking a girl out at the end of this date may be appropriate, but obviously don't put her on the spot if she hems and haws. It probably means she's not that into and she was going to "say no," or she really needs to think things over. The proper response to the "I'm not sure," when you tell/ask her, "I had a nice time, and I would like to see you again. Can I call you to set up another date," or some permutation of that, is "Okay, we'll be in touch through the shadchan." Everyone dates differently, and for some the comfort or ease doesn't kick in until much later, and they will keep the shadchan until a much later time.

Same rules apply about calling the shadchan after this date.

I always find that even if a couple is still using a shadchan after date three (to communicate whether or not they'd like to continue seeing the person), there's at least a certain familiarity there, and it's helpful for them to set up date arrangements themselves. I was once on the phone with a shadchan and things started to get complicated, so she called the boy and had each of us on separate lines conveying what the other was saying to each. It would have been easier to just have conferenced the calls, so we could talk directly.

Relatedly, even if a couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. This has helped me get through a handful of shidduchim. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be helpful.

How to Date "Out-of-Town"

Dating is always a little bit more complicated when a couple lives in two different cities where there is a commute that's longer than an hour or two. Even one or two dates can get complicated, and that potentially increases by dates three through whenever things start getting a little more serious (and the couple can work out kinks by communicating directly).

It's a smart practice to set up a date with a potential time for the next date. Because one person or the other will likely be traveling to the other's city, it makes sense to try to get in more than one date at a time. This doesn't mean that either party is committing to two (or more) dates at a time, but rather saying that if this date goes well and we want to go out again, such-and-such would be a good time. They can just as easily decide not to go out again and forget about the fact that they already arranged a potential time for another date.

In the same vein, it's important to get back to the shadchan (or each other) in a timely manner after each date, as perhaps the couple can get in another date before the one who traveled in returns home. Or, travel plans will need to be set up for the next date and advance notice is always helpful with that.

Because it is likely that there will be more time in between dates when there is traveling involved, keep in mind that momentum is crucial in a shidduch. Often couples will not be communicating between (beginning) dates, so they can lose familiarity and comfort if too much time elapses between when they speak to each other. They don't want to have to start all over again each date. Phone and skype dates can be helpful to bridge that gap, but be careful with them, because they have their own potential pitfalls.

One person should not expect either person to do all the traveling. Sharing the commuting is the most mentchlach way to go about it. Meeting up halfway can work well too when the distance is only a few hours by car. Websites like whatshalfway.com and meetways.com can help you find venues almost exactly midway between your two locations.

Sending your date home (if s/he is traveling) with a care package is thoughtful and sweet, but be careful not to string someone along if you don't plan on continuing things. Similarly, think about what you're up to relationship-wise before you ask someone to text you when they arrive home safely.

There is a school of thought regarding treating long distance dating like local dating in terms of speaking with/hearing back from the shadchan and deciding whether or not you would like to see your date again. It can create undue pressure for either party if s/he feels like s/he has to make decisions really quickly or must continue dating someone because s/he is already in his/her city. On the flip-side, the couple may decide not to go out again because there is traveling involved, but if they were in the same city, they would likely have gone out again. It complicates things less if the traveling is not considered as part of the "Do I Want To See This Person Again?" dilemma.

All the aforementioned speak to a sampling of practical issues involved with dating someone who currently resides somewhere outside of your immediate vicinity, but keep in mind as well that sometimes there are cultural gaps and the like when a couple come from different geographical backgrounds.

Protocol and Pretenses

Opening car doors is an act of gallantry, superfluous perhaps, but chivalrous.

Some girls roll their eyes at such gentlemanly acts, frustrated with stereotypical gender roles, or maybe it's the fact that they feel like it's a show. My father still opens doors for my mother, my sisters and me. It's not a front; it's real. The question is, is the fellow on the date genuine or just doing it because someone told him to?

When a guy opens a car door for me, but then he totally botches up a simple request for napkins (which were at his elbow) when I get whipped cream in my hair, it leaves me scratching my head.

Opening doors in general could get questionable, because typically that means that the girl is walking in front of the guy. Although, when he enters first and is walking ten paces ahead, that is not very attractive either. (We can stand to take a lesson from what we learned in Kindergarten: "Just walk beside me...")

Perhaps a better gauge is does he walk the girl to the door, or at least wait until she's gotten inside, when he drops her off? It's about being a man, taking care of your girl. I do appreciate a young man who wants to take care of me.

Offering a drink to a girl on a date is another one. If you were sitting and talking to anyone for a few hours, wouldn't you offer him a drink? It's not rocket science.

While there is so much silly protocol, I do believe that a lot of it exists for a reason. However, I think we can say that, because of the way shidduch dating works, if he doesn't follow "protocol" it probably means something, but if he does, does that just mean someone coached him well or is he really a gentleman?

Where to Go on a Date

Most of the time it isn't so much about the venue as it is the company of the person you're with. Some of my best dates have been long car rides (driving a couple of hours between cities), a walk along the High Line at sunset, just chilling at a rooftop lounge in the city, or a stroll along an empty boardwalk.

When you've been dating for awhile, first dates can have a Groundhog Day effect, so it's important to spice those up a little; don't always take your date to a hotel lounge. I think some people got a little mixed up, and they don't realize that hotel lobbies are no-nos. It's distasteful to take someone to a Best Western or Hampton Inn type place where there is no bar/lounge and the only place to sit are the two armchairs tucked in some corner somewhere.

I'm pretty sure that the guy was looking for a specific reputable airport hotel, but when he kept making wrong turns and his TomTom got frustrated at his inability to follow directions, he pulled up to an airport motel. We legitimately sat in the only two seats in the 12x12 lobby. I think he wanted to offer me a drink, but probably the only option was the water fountain. 

Hotels are okay as long as they have a bar/lounge, and it's a space where people are meant to hang out. Lounges work especially well when you want to talk, so they can be the serious half of a date where the other half you're doing something active. Waterfront venues or other scenic views get extra points in my personal opinion.

Starbucks and Barnes and Noble work just fine too, but be creative and check out other funky coffee shops and book stores. Think about what you want to do in a book store; are you just looking for a different atmosphere to have a conversation? Many such places are silent, so you'd be better off finding somewhere else where you can make some noise if you plan on hashing out whether Trump really can win the election and/or run the country.

I've heard lots of mixed reviews about going to a supermarket on a date. Some are of the camp that it can be cute to peruse the aisles of an upscale supermarket like Fresh Market, Whole Foods, or Wegmans and sit down with a snack. You can also always bring along a game to liven up any locale.

Food is always a good bet, although some girls are weird about eating on the first couple of dates. Keep in mind that you probably don't want to take your date to a hole-in-the wall pizza shop. If you plan on going to eat after you've gone somewhere else, don't know exactly what area you'll end up in or what time, so you can't make reservations, again, no sweat, just be creative. Text a friend for an idea (one you know knows the area or can look it up for you) and then call to see when they'll have a table available, making your way there only when it will be ready. Or, you can ask a friend to make your reservation for you.

Parks and malls are good places to walk around, and if you're looking for an activity, it's pretty known that arcades is usually the go-to. And, activities exist outside of Dave & Buster's. Try skeet shooting, archery, and find out if it's okay to go to a gun range (some say handling a gun is klei gever for a girl). Pottery throwing, pottery and glass painting, glass blowing or glass fusion, paint nites, and candle-making are all activities you can do too. I personally dislike mini golf and driving ranges, but they can make an enjoyable experience for some. Shooting pool, ping pong, batting cages, and if you're okay with bowling, there are those. Board game cafes can make fun dates, and Escape Rooms recently became all the rage. Strayboots or other like scavenger hunts can also work if you want something to do. Museums and other location specific places can provide you with fresh scenery.

That's really just a sampling of ideas, but keep in mind, there is always something you can do. Don't take your date to the same (type of) place over and over again. Besides, don't you want to see him/her in different settings?

How Long Should A First Date Be?

Again with the rules and regulations of dating...I feel like this one should be intuitive, but I'm going to spell it out here, because so often it goes so wrong. I'm sure many out there may not agree with this, but I guess because it's my blog, this is about my preferences. Everyone is welcome to have their own opinions and methods.

While it could be organic, letting the date naturally come to an end when the two of you have effectively checked off all your first date duties, ie. making small talk and getting a general sense of the person, for some reason, perhaps simply because you generally do not know this person you're on a first date with and can't read their subtle cues, this doesn't always work out very well. We're then left with a question of how long should this first date ideally be?

There are a few things to consider in this equation. It's considered rude for a young man to take a girl home too soon even if the date is going disastrously (perhaps because that means he's writing her off or disregarding the effort it took to get to this point in the dating process, who knows), and on her end, it's a yeihareg v'al ya'avor for her to end a date. Also, while the fellow may be enjoying himself and his date's company, perhaps she's not enjoying herself at all. He may not know that because he may not be able to tell if she's having a good time, because he's just met her. Additionally, first dates can only go so long, even if the couple hits it off, because it's generally all small talk. There's only so much small talk you can do at a time. Did I mention I hate small talk?

Save for those unlikely exceptions, I think first dates should have a 2-3 hour cap. And, honestly, if the date is a non-starter, just check in with each other and see if you guys want to continue to pull teeth, or you can graciously give up after an hour or so (long enough to know you gave it a fair shot) and not waste more of each others' time.

Thanks to the Shadchan

We have a practice of giving shadchanus to the shadchan involved in a successful shidduch.  It's hakaras hatov, it's mesora, it's important.

It's also important to extend your appreciation to those who set you up even when it does not work out. It is difficult sometimes to do this when the guy/girl was really not for you, and/or you spend a couple of weeks in turmoil dating someone. Either way, this third party extended time, effort, etc. even before you met your date. It's only proper to say thank you.

Saying thank you should be a given, and writing a thank you note (card or even email) is even better. A small gift is nice too; a big gift more appropriate for a longer dating stint and/or a situation where the person put in a lot of work.

There have been stories about people who forgot to give their shadchan shadchanus and all sorts of bad things happened. Hakaras hatov is super important. In a similar vein, it's essential to thank those that set you up even if it doesn't go past a few dates. I've heard the idea that a bas kol named, not only your zivug, but all the people that you need to/will date before meeting the right one. So, "shadchanus" is appropriate in both situations. If you don't end up marrying the person, give hakaras hatov on a smaller scale.

Being a shadchan can be a thankless job when your effort doesn't pay off. Don't be one of those people who forget to say thanks to the shadchan.