Perfect Imperfections

So much more than a pretty face...

When we chase externalities, whether it be good looks, money, yichus, job title, etc., we're ignoring something(s) so crucial. Sure, all those details are somewhat important, but what about resilience, integrity, emotional intelligence/honesty, connection to G-d, flexibility, depth...who someone is at his/her core...someone's life skills? Is it really about the labels s/he wears?

So often when looking into a shidduch prospective we ask questions looking for dirt. We want to find out "what's wrong" with someone. We label and categorize, measuring people against our yardstick of perfection. Okay, yes, we need to protect ourselves; we want to know what someone is made of, if there are any red flags...but are we going about this in all the wrong ways?

I've posted about baggage and shidduchim, the need to dispel stigma, and the stigma of mental health issues and shidduchim, but maybe what it all comes down to is the fact that we're all the same at our core. It's not about how "damaged" someone is or how much "baggage" s/he has. Some people understand challenge and some do not. Some of us are self-aware and some of us are not.

We so often hide behind stereotypes and think that painting things with a broad brush will protect us. Does it, or might you miss out on something beautiful because you won't take the time to recognize there are more layers there than you see at first glance?

There is so much ignorance that fuels stigma, for sure. Certain buzzwords instill instant fear. (Read about this in the linked posts above.) We really need to think about, not if I'm willing to "accept" someone's baggage, but if the playing field is even. How might two individuals compliment each other? How might he take care of her (and her needs associated with any baggage) and she take care of him in other ways?

I know that I'm attracted to realness and authenticity. Perhaps most of the time that only comes with pain. I've, across the board, found that people that can be the most genuine and vulnerable are people who have struggled with one thing or another (or multiple things) in life. There's beauty in rawness and honesty. Yet, so often the people that are the most unguarded and real are the people that get hurt the most on this shidduch battlefield. Ironically, these are the people that have been kicked by life and and taught the need/how to cope with adversity. There is so much worth in that –– having to learn about life and how to manage struggles.

People often feel like they have to hide that part of themselves that is imperfect, as if it is shameful and ugly. We, as a society, have taught them that. So what if s/he is good-looking, sweet, smart, responsible, out-going, whatever, if s/he has "baggage" his/her shidduch value goes down?

When will we recognize as a society what is real and what is valuable? I guarantee you, at the end of the day the Lexus he drives or the yichus she has won't bring your marriage peace and happiness.

Untying the Knot

Can we untie the knot that asphyxiates us with all this social pressure –– the feeling of needing life to be exactly as we always imagined it? Marriage is great, sure, says O'Shea, but not when it's about conformity, not when it toys with our sense of self. It causes singles to feel bad about themselves just because they're not part of the exclusive club, and it causes people to mindlessly marry just to fit with society's expectations. From the time we're little society places chains around our necks, which threaten to strangle us before we take our first steps.

Like I started talking about at the end of this post, we all have the same capacity for happiness, and it isn't tied up in our marital status. So many people are miserable, and it's easy to blame it on not being married. So many people who are married are not happy either. Married or not, happiness comes from within.

Of course this yearning isn't just about wanting to fit in; it's about having a romantic, intellectual, physical, spiritual, deep connection with another human being –– your beacon in a sometimes dark world (and of course there's a whole religious dimension as well). Wanting to get married and having a family are noble aspirations, but it helps to recognize why you want this and not just think that it's something you're "supposed to have." It isn't something that we can force, and recognizing that it isn't the sole key to your happiness and sense of identity is helpful.

O'Shea suggests that the way people talk about singles or constantly ask about whether there is someone special in one's life that it's almost as if they're condemning singles, making it as if there is something wrong with them, always trying to "fix" their "problem." So yes, we would rather be married, but asking "Are you seeing someone," almost seems like asking "When are you going to be normal?" Being single isn't a disease...

Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness contribute a lot to whether you suffer, relates O'Shea. You have a lot more control over how you feel than you think you do. You may not be able to stop specific unhelpful thinking patterns or feelings, but you do have control over if you decide to seek help to deal with them. Therapy, support groups, self-help resources, and the like can all assist with these thoughts and feelings. O'Shea suggests that maybe it's as simple as changing your inner dialogue. Instead of wondering what you did wrong or how things could have gone differently in a relationship, perhaps just recognize that it's over and done.

Obviously there is no off switch, but instead of playing into the rumination and fantasizing of what could have been, apply your efforts to stop the overanalyzing, cyber-stalking, figuring out ways to run into him/her... Sit with yourself and process the experience. Realize that the end of a relationship doesn't make you worth any less. Be sad, disappointed, dejected, hurt. Feeling these emotions is time better spent getting over him/her than living in the past. Like I've mentioned before, we often hold onto hurt for a longer time than necessary because it's proof we had something, the only vestige left of the relationship. Try to let that go too.

Instead of asking "What is wrong with me," realize that you're special and unique and it wasn't meant to be. Says O'Shea, "Rejection is the universe saying 'you can do better,' and failure becomes opportunity."

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

When we start taking responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming them on others or situations and circumstances, we have a lot more control over our happiness.

One of the last bits of advice that O'Shea gives in her book really spoke to me. She suggests that we must all practice love regardless if we're in a relationship, not in a relationship, and especially if you're getting over a relationship. Practice on everyone; it's about patience, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, apologies, accepting apologies, communication, authenticity... Instead of expending all your energy trying to find that one person that will justify your entire existence, try sharing love with everyone. Eventually you will find the person who can intensely reflect it back at you.

And So He Lives Happily Ever After

"I just need to take things slow. Marriage is a huge step; and I don't know if I'm ready for it," says the guy who dates you for a long time, breaks up with you, and is engaged shortly thereafter to the next girl. We've discussed this phenomenon here previously as "rebounding," but now that I'm reading this book about unrequited love, I have a whole new perspective. Bear with me.

I'll back up just a little. Samara O'Shea writes about how when someone ends a relationship you were not ready for to be over, she suggests that this person is doing you a favor. In all type of these scenarios there are so many explanations of what is happening there. Perhaps s/he's not fully over someone else, has a fantasy of "love" hitting him/her over the head, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

"When a problem exists in someone's head," she writes, "their head is the only place it can be solved...believing you can solve other people's problems is also a problem...if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, he did you a favor."

She quotes Don Miguel Ruiz's Mastery of Love to expound on this favor.

"Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take a risk, but be honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: Walk away; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect."

Often people will make statements, like the one I opened this post with, about not being ready for marriage, but then they seem to jump off that ledge pretty quickly with someone else. O'Shea believes that it just means that these people are in denial. They just don't feel it with the present relationship and use a blanket statement to describe the feeling. (They probably even believe it to be true!) When they meet that person that changes their mind about it, it feels completely different.

O'Shea brings another theory too in which she talks about how guys are like cabs. She quotes Miranda from Sex and the City episode 3x8, "When they're available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide they're ready to settle down...and they turn their light on. Next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one they'll marry...It's all about timing. You gotta get them when their light is on...They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available."

When that girl jumps into your cab just as the light goes on, it hurts. It's devastating. If you've had this happen, read O'Shea's book. She's been through this a few times, and her accounts of these stories are super validating to anyone who has been there (at least they were for me). Nurse your broken heart and let yourself be angry and sad. Remember, a healed heart is that much stronger. Mended, not broken.

It's probably apropos here to talk about what O'Shea calls the "dress rehearsal." Most of us have been there –– rehearsing in our head what we want to look like and how we want to act or what we want to say when we bump into this ex. It's probably not going to go exactly as you planned, because his/her reaction is probably not going to be as you imagined. You can write scripts regarding what you want to say, but in the moment, when you're caught off guard, it'll all probably fly out of your head. O'Shea suggests going for a sentiment rather than specific words. "Stay calm," she says, "it'll all flow from there." Decide whether you want to be cold or polite or whatever. If you feel the need to write down what you want to say, by all means do it. It'll probably change a bunch of times as you process the breakup and your emotions change. In the end you may not even want to say anything at all.

Remember, he may have moved on and you look stuck in the same place, but that's not what this encounter is about. It's merely two people who dated in the past bumping into each other. You don't know that he's happy or what's going on with him...even if he does have a beautiful wife on his arm. (And DO NOT compare yourself to her. Their relationship is not based on the externalities that you can perceive, so it's completely pointless.)

Also, your value isn't tied up in your relationship status. "He got married," O'Shea quips, "He wasn't crowned king...nothing about marriage is automatic...your life, including marriage, will be what you make of it. There are triumphant days ahead for you and disappointing days ahead for him and vice versa." More on that later. (The chapter I'm about to read is called "Unrequited in a Room Full of Requiteds.")

Stay tuned.

Loves Me...Not: Another Post About Rejection Etc.

I picked up this book the other day and started reading it out of curiosity. The book, Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive) in the Face of Unrequited Love by Samara O'Shea, has so many, so many! good insights. I was skeptical that it would be helpful in any way, as most pop psychology/self help books usually write about things we all have learned instinctively by just being passive students of life. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. Even without any formal education –– I think she's a writer by profession, and she'd only recently began pursuing a Masters degree in social work at the time of the book's publication –– she shares a plethora of wisdom (obviously not all her own) about love and loss and all those emotions in between.

As I read, I want to share some of the things that stand out to me with all of you. If you think any of it is interesting or speaks to you, I would suggest you track down a copy of the book and read it yourself. It's an easy and entertaining read.

One of the first things O'Shea does is reference Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. I'll outline them here briefly, but if you're not familiar with them, I'd say it's worth it for you to read up on them. They're powerful stuff...

1. Be Impeccable with your Word 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally 

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don’t Make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best 

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

O'Shea zeroes in on number two, but I want to talk about numbers two and three. She quotes The Four Agreements to elaborate on the not taking things personally, which basically explains that people live within their own world, their own perception. The things that anybody does or says comes from the "agreements" s/he has within his or her own mind. Even if something seems very personal, even if it insults you directly, it has very little to do with you. Oftentimes it's about how something was triggered for them or a projection of their feelings and beliefs.

In a similar vein, don't make assumptions about why someone is doing or has done something. Even when you aren't in a position to ask, you must accept that you really don't know what is going on and/or why someone is doing something. We can make ourselves sick with worry, anxiety, jealousy, hatred, sadness, etc. when we assume things. We, more often times than not, won't really know why someone doesn't "want" you or why s/he isn't texting you back.

On the topic of rejection, remember that life is full of it –– personally, professionally, you name it. O'Shea offers up some guidelines to help out here.

1. Allow yourself the time to feel bad about things that didn't work out––don't rush through this. It's okay to feel let down.
2. If you made a mistake, don't criticize yourself. Call it just that––a mistake. (We all make mistakes sometimes.)
3. Recognize that the failure of things to work out isn't a reflection of your self-worth or abilities.
4. Find a lesson or three that can be taken away from the situation.
5. Put your black turtleneck on and get back out there.

You know how they all say that you need to be comfortable being alone first, and being single gives you that opportunity? That's great and all, but the want to be in a relationship, to have someone in your corner and all that good stuff, doesn't go away. O'Shea talks to this point too. Being comfortable being single doesn't mean that you don't want love/a relationship. It just means recognizing that "you're the only person you're going to wake up with every single day of your life," says O'Shea. "...You can make more authentic relationship decisions rather than fear-based ones...[working on yourself while you're alone] will enable you to love more genuinely..." It might not feel great, and you don't have to buy into the 'You have be complete on your own; It's an opportunity for you!' stuff that people in a relationship tell you. You do want to recognize though that you can use this time to your advantage. (It doesn't make you more or less single!)

O'Shea also talks about how in a relationship the only feelings you can account for are your own. What may be so super intense to you (or even just seems like a good shot), may be just causal or "pareve" to the other. She points out, as an aside, that when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't necessarily reciprocate your emotion, it's not like it's totally for naught. She claims it's a "chance to practice taking hold of your half –– allowing yourself to feel it fully and let it be something special all by itself." She goes on to say that it's a chance to recognize that you have this capacity to love/care about someone like this and to celebrate it. You may not be able to share this passion with the other person, but you can keep it for yourself and know that it's there for some future situation.

A small note on envy, just because that's the last thing I notated so far in my reading... I know that I've felt jealous or sad/angry/jealous when an ex moved on (read: got engaged/married) or someone else who used to be in my same boat managed to get to the other side. Largely the envy comes from these someone elses having something that I want, right? O'Shea acknowledges that a lot of times this feeling is not that you want to be the other person or have what they have (after all, that person may be married but s/he has zero attraction or perhaps connection to his/her partner...), but it's about the fact that s/he has something to call his/her own. Is there something that you can do, that you have control over to call your own –– a hobby, class, volunteership, whatever? Pursue that, it will help a little.

Remember to love yourself and that everything comes down to you. No one else is to blame for what you are feeling. For real! It's much easier to blame everyone else, and it's aggravating to hear that it's about how you adjust your mindset, because it really does seem so much of the time that the things that happen around us affect our happiness. However, when you choose to take this control, you will have so much more happiness and be less subject to other people's opinions and their mood swings.

Scoring on a Rebound

Can a rebound be the real deal?

Seeking comfort after a heartbreaking, perhaps severely distressing, experience in which you may be questioning yourself, your self-worth, your desirability, etc., is completely normal. These feelings of vulnerability and loneliness can be staunched by connecting with someone new, even if this person isn't right for you. In situations where emotions are heightened, it is common for people to confuse their feelings for something different. (For more of a discussion about this, refer to my "Love At First Sight" post.)

What goes through people's heads' who date someone seriously, perhaps for long drawn out periods of time, dump her/him, and then get engaged to the next suitor, a mere few weeks later? Is this pure rebound science? Are people in these relationships happily married?

Science suggests that rebound relationships can definitely help people heal from a breakup, because being in a relationship (presumably any relationship) promotes higher self-esteem, attachment security, and all those good things that come from healthy relationships. However, when someone is clinging to a relationship only because s/he wants to feel wanted and the relationship is all wrong, this backfires. Therefore, when people marry a rebound, often the foundation of the relationship is critically damaged. It's the same kind of situation that results from someone trying to fill a need in himself/herself by marrying someone that has that specific characteristic. For example, if John himself wants to be (or wants to be seen as) more confident and/or assertive, he may be looking to marry someone who is all that.

However, your spouse is not your cure-all. Two complete people are needed in a relationship for that relationship to work (in a healthy manner). You cannot marry someone just because s/he fills a need. I mean, you can, but that relationship is going to have holes in it, and it's going to take a lot of work to make that healthy and fulfilling in the long run.
If you weren’t willing to settle for your ex, you’re a fool to settle for your rebound.I'm no stranger to this phenomenon of rebound relationships...at least being the party from whom the rebounder is rebounding...Recently, a friend of mine had the same situation. The guy she dated seriously, who said he likes to take things slow and work relationships out slooowly, got engaged a very short time after they broke up.

The only thing I can think of is that something that didn't click with the last relationship, clicked with the new one. What didn't feel right after months of dating, obviously felt right with the kallah.

I have a friend who married her rebound, and she's happily married. When she was dating her husband, it was "so clear" to me that it was a rebound, but somehow it worked out for her, and she really just believes the right one came on the heals of the very wrong one. It could happen.

Dating Like A Boss

You know how they say that confidence is one of the most attractive traits? Perhaps there is a median here. Sure, confidence lends people poise, charm, assertiveness, and those, by definition, draw people to someone. It's also about if you are self-assured and you like yourself, it's easy for others to like you. However, arrogance and cockiness is not attractive in the least bit.

Having confidence about something that is not true, like when someone thinks s/he's smart, attractive, with-it, etc. and s/he is not, that is the quintessential turn-off. Also, many arrogant people operate from a place of ego. Under their mask, they aren't really confident, so they work hard to make up for it.

Not everyone finds confidence so attractive though. Many people are intimidated by it. Either they question what the confident person sees in them, because that confident person seems to have it all together, or they wonder if they will ever be able to measure up. 

There is an added element with dating. Confident singles are direct, smile, make eye contact and speak with warmth and interest. They make it obvious that they’re interested, and so it's easy to like them because you know where you stand with them. 

Interestingly, in a study done at Webster University, the researchers found that the girls who got more attention at the bar they were camping out in were the ones that made eye contact and were direct, versus the ones who were shy and barely talked. It didn't matter what they looked like!

Please just keep in mind that condescending arrogance is not confidence...

Moving on Up

I don't wanna know what every ex is up to; I don't want their lives rubbed in my face. I've gotten over them and moved on, but when they have a whole life –– a wife and a family –– to show for it, and I'm still about stuck in the same place they each left me, in that domain of my life, it hurts. (It doesn't matter how many people I've dated since them, how many other serious relationships I've been in, I'm still just as single.)

I know it's not my fault or anything I've done, I know that success in life isn't measured by life stage or marital status, but it's embarrassing and sad, and I feel like it could seem to onlookers like I am, or have done something, wrong.

We so often get caught up gauging accomplishment and progress by all the wrong things. We see all that is skin-deep and superficial. We classify by externalities and facade. I find myself having to remind myself that someone isn't better off just because s/he's married. The marriage could be terrible.

G-d has a plan for everyone, and no matter how frustrating not knowing what happens next, I trust that He knows what He's doing. I'm just working on trying to not let the past interfere with my now. I just don't appreciate being haunted by a mention of an ex and what he's currently up to.

Things I’ve Gained From Not Getting Married Right Away

It's easy to lament over all the things that are difficult regarding being single. It's harder to recognize that there are positive aspects as well, things we would have missed out on had we gotten married right away. I was talking this over with a friend recently, and we decided to compile thoughts from various "older" singles on this topic. Below is the beginning of this list.

• I've had multiple opportunities to connect with and increase my reliance on HK”BH.
• I have the flexibility to pursue interests/hobbies (ex: playing an instrument, working out, arts, travel).
• I've gained increased empathy, learning how to better relate with others who are lacking/struggling. 
• I gained understanding of myself through this process of meeting people, seeing what does and doesn't work for me and why.
• I gained understanding of others, other personalities and hashkafos.
• I get to travel/vacation/see exotic places.
• I'm learning patience and flexibility. 
• I'm learning to trust that there is a Master Plan greater than any plans I could have made.
• I got to finish my degree with menuchas hanefesh, being able to make it a priority, and not having to worry about financial pressure or a spouse/family.
• I've fostered connections/relationships with a lot of different people I wouldn’t have had I had my own home/family.
• I had the flexibility to figure out which field/job is right for me, because I didn’t have financial pressure.
• I got to not only figure out who I am, but once I know who I am, I can work on improving me.
• I've learned that there are many ways to serve the Eibishter. I've realized that if I am not married yet, that is by His Will. 
• I gained recognition that my value is not tied to an event that is beyond my control.
• I'm learning how to react to situations with the proper attitude.
• Because I have been on the receiving end of so many hurtful words, I decided I don't ever want to do that to anyone.
• Once I would have believed something was another's "fault," now I've gained the clarity that we don't know why things are.
• I've gained so much more compassion for others; having to struggle with this pain has taught me to be kind to everyone who is struggling.
• I became so much more independent and open-minded. 
• Being single has given me the opportunity to try to find meaning in so many different things. I notice and recognize so much more now.
• I have the financial freedom and flexibility to make big purchases and take frequent and grand vacations, to live large and take risks.
• I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot from them.
• I've been on some really cool dates, having some experiences and going some places I never would have had I married my first guy.
• I've learned the importance of self-care having to take care of myself. 
• I've learned to parent myself and to be a capable adult. Stepping off the "conveyor belt" forced me to do so.
• I've had to figure out how to cope with pain and challenge, and in doing so, I've gotten stronger. It's lent me more confidence in my ability to cope with adversity in general. 
• I've learned that I am accountable to myself. I can rely on others, yet be fully responsible for myself.
• I've learned that it really doesn't matter what people think. Their thoughts don't define who I am. If I don't or can't live up to their expectations, it doesn't change my identity.
• I've learned how much following up with someone makes a difference. Until I was in shidduchim I didn't realize how much it means when someone gets back to you about something and how it can sting when they don't.
• Meeting a lot of people and having various interactions with them has taught me about my needs and what makes me feel secure and insecure.
• I've gained some ground in the ability to see that my life, however fragmented it may seem to me, is a complete story, and I'm merely living the beginning.
• I'm learning (that I have to and) how to create my place within a society that seems to not know how to relate to those who don't follow the conventional path.
• I've gained the realization that life is a process and the best things come to those who wait (hopefully).
• I learned how we have to dance in the rain, make the most of difficult situations.
• I've gained relationship skills via learning how to understand and connect with various individuals, what things to do and what to avoid.
• I've learned that I'm stronger than I think, and I can deal with a lot.
• I learned to better cope with rejection, how most of the time it’s not personal, and how I can avoid letting it drag me down by recognizing this.
• I’ve gained sensitivity and tact, learning how and what to say or not to say to people in difficult situations.
• I'm learning how we're all different and we don't have to follow the same path in life.
• From the experiences that I’ve had with shadchanim or just other random people, I’ve gained pointers on how to be genuine and caring, what to do and what not to do.
• I had the opportunity to be there when my younger siblings were growing up. Had I gotten married right away we wouldn't have lived in the same house and had the same close relationship most probably.
• Because I have few financial obligations, I was able to already pay off my car and school loans. People are stuck paying these for years when they have many other bills supporting a family.

Self-Esteem Poker Chips Repost

I was reminded of this poker chips theory recently when a situation happened with a guy that I was pretty confused and hurt by. Thank G-d my chip stacks haven't been depleted; it's good to have a reserve.

Rejection

If you google the word "rejection," you'll come up with some mighty interesting facts about this phenomenon. This TED talk makes a case for practicing emotional first aid, treating the damage that rejection wreaks: casualties to one's mood and self-esteem, intolerance for criticism, and how it destabilizes our need to belong. The same psychologist writes an article for Psychology Today claiming that the emotional pain that rejection elicits "piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain," so much so that "Tylenol reduces the emotional pain that rejection causes." He also proposes that rejection "temporarily lowers our IQ" and it "does not respond to reason," often "sending us on a mission to seek and destroy our own self-esteem."

There are theories about about how this need for belonging is rooted in the human "hunter-gatherer" past in which acceptance within a tribe was necessary for survival. And, other research by psychology professor Arthur Aron (and colleagues), known for his work on intimacy in interpersonal relationships (most famous for his 36 Questions experiment), suggests that rejection hurts so much because when people are in close relationships, their sense of self becomes intertwined with their partner's.

Obviously there are different levels of rejection based upon the situation. Dating has given me the opportunity to experience the gamut from both sides of the fence. With regard to which is harder, being rejected or rejecting someone else, perhaps I'll think on that one and get back to y'all on that. However, there is an important insight that I've picked up in my travels that I'd like to share.

Dating isn't a chessed. Rejection isn't personal, and it really just means that the relationship wouldn't work in the long run. You can't keep dating someone just because you feel bad to hurt him/her should you break it off. It may hurt regardless, but it will hurt a lot more when the rejection comes later in the game. Because of the uniqueness of our system, the focused way we date, should we recognize that a relationship would not thrive marriage-wise, it's not a "nice" or "positive" thing to string it along. Of course there are better and worse ways to break it off, but continuing once someone has that clarity defeats the purpose. (Going on another date or having a conversation with the person to clarify and/or help the other person gain closure falls within the realm of "better ways" to break it off. Remember that it's still a person you're dealing with and just because "these are the rules to the 'game,'" it's still real life and you still need to treat people nicely and with middos and respect.)

If you can wrap your head around that fact that a rejection is not personal and at some point it probably would have been you breaking up with the person had s/he not done it at this point, it's easier to put things into perspective. We need to consciously be aware of the narratives we create about an experience. It's easy to blame yourself and say something like, "I did/am something wrong. S/he thinks badly of me, etc." Another way to see it might be, "There was a miscommunication/lack of communication, and in the future, with the right person, we'll be able to get through these type of things and be better off for it."

It's so important to promote resilience in the face of pain. Your worth is not tied up in the person who walked away from you. Remember, if s/he can't appreciate who you are, you deserve to be with someone who does. People are different and don't value the same things. In a simple example, it's like telling an objectively really good-looking person that s/he isn't "your look." The person deserves to be with someone who thinks s/he is gorgeous. If it can't be you, then you shouldn't be with him/her. Let the person walk away who doesn't want you, s/he isn't rejecting you, s/he's rejecting the aspect that wouldn't work in a marriage. You don't want that relationship anyway; s/he just has that clarity now, and you would have come to it at some point.

I'll Do What I Want If I Choose

Don't tell me what to do. I don't know you; you don't know me. When is it ever okay to tell a stranger what to do?

Simchas Torah night we thought we had it all planned out. Armed with a positive mindset (even minus any alcohol), a group of us decided to make our way into the fray of marrieds and their children dancing away the night.

I was all about realizing that I might be without a husband and/or children to support and encourage in the ways of Torah, as of yet, but being single doesn't define me. And, this holiday isn't about me. It's about Torah, and we each have our own way of being koneh it.

Being single, in fact, gave/gives me a chance for self discovery –– a self awareness that may have otherwise gotten swallowed in a relationship and/or family life. All those people that look at us and feel sorry for us, I pity them. They likely didn't get a chance to develop their individuality. It isn't a contest, but I'm definitely not any worse off because my path is different than theirs, that my journey deviates from their norm.

I digress.

In one shul we visited, the matzav was shvach, and it was all about the social scene. We had more exciting venues on our agenda, and so, after a few minutes, I sought out one friend who was stuck talking to a neighborhood woman. I know this woman didn't know who I was, because seconds before she had asked me my name. For context's sake, her daughter, now married with a handful of kids, was in my high school class. Either way, I turned to my friend and said, "Where's so-and-so and so-and-so? We should go."

The woman looks at me, tsk-tsk's ever so softly, and says, while shaking her head condescendingly, "You don't have to leave."

I'm sorry, why are you telling me what to do?

Admittedly, I don't really know what she meant and what she was thinking when she said that. I am sure that I'm probably making a big deal about nothing, but I honestly am still puzzled why she felt like she should say anything at all. Perhaps it's the cynic in me that just assumes that she felt sorry for us, a group of wandering single girls, no base to tether us. She was welcoming us into her warm arms, her shul, her home base.

That's sweet, but not all those who wander are lost.

Please don't tell me what to do, and don't assume I need your pity.

Fear of Silence

When I called him out on his babbling/rapidly switching from topic to topic, apparently to avoid any silences, he shared with me his theory on silence.

"There's a difference between silence of absence and silence of presence. This is only our third date; we don't have that dynamic yet of silence of presence."

In the vernacular we call it "awkward silence" and "comfortable silence." Awkward silence is when there's an unnatural pause in the conversation, generally because you're scrambling to figure out what to talk about. Comfortable silence is when you don't need to be talking and you can just enjoy the other person's company without noise.

If you've just met someone, there is a large chance that there will be silences in your conversation. Unless you "click" right away,  you're really just learning each others' language, interests, knowledge base, etc. For this reason, I've known people to come up with a list of topics to talk about before dates. I get it, if you get nervous or are not usually a good conversationalist, that may be a good idea. However, may I suggest that silence is okay? If you just follow the natural digression of a conversation and hit some silences along the way, that's totally fair.

Why are people so afraid of silence? I read somewhere recently (I can't remember where, so I don't know if it was a scientific source or a perhaps a pop culture one) that when we're in another's presence, as long as we're conversing, we're receiving cues of validation. When there's silence, we don't know what the other person is thinking, and it's easy to feel uncomfortable, anxious, and even rejected.

I use silence all the time, professionally, and personally. What's born out of silence can be very telling. Sometimes you learn more about someone than you would have had you decided to talk about you. Sometimes you hear what's really going on in someone's mind. Sometimes you learn that you really have nothing in common with the person sitting opposite you, because while you can practically talk for hours to most people about most topics, you can't seem to get any conversation started with this person.

Let go of the "what if's" and just try to be present. S/he's probably not thinking what you think s/he is. If you're feeling awkward, s/he probably is too. So, if the silence stretches too long, just say something funny to break the ice. Even a simple, "What are you thinking about/Penny for your thoughts?" usually does the trick.

A Letter To My 19 Year Old Self

Hi there!

You are about to embark on an exciting new journey. I know you're hoping (thinking) that this excursion will be short lived and you will find the right one easily and soon. The truth is, life itself is a journey, and everything you're about to experience is just the beginning. You're closing the door on an era of innocence and naïveté, and you're entering into unknown waters. You will learn a lot, but the price it comes along with is lots of pain, heartbreak, confusion, and fear. You will have to push limits, drawing on strengths you never knew you had.

I tell you this not to scare you, but to prepare you. You will need to hang onto your hat, and dig deep for that brave face, perseverance, and continue working on that emunah. I know you think you're in a great place with that after an amazing year and new perspectives you gained in seminary, but it will be challenged, a lot, over and over again. It's preparation for the rest of your life. Nothing is a guarantee, and you will learn quickly that Hashem is really in charge. You have to continue to believe that He has a plan for you, and He knows what He's doing. Don't try to drive the bus.

I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of living your life waiting for something to happen. Please don't do that. Even after awhile when you have something you feel like is the next step, something you're living for, when you feel like life is on pause, so much else will seem lifeless. When that happens go out and find things that make you happy now. Take up new hobbies, get involved in community projects, tap into your strengths to make the world around you a better place. Do what you have control over. Draw on your resources. Resilient people get through challenges by believing that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. They draw on social support and reach out to others.

Don't wait around because you don't know when you will have to go on a date or when you will get married and perhaps move away. I know how much you hate cancelling, backing out, and not being able to follow through on things you say. It definitely will be hard to plan and fill up your schedule when you're not sure if you will need to cancel something or back out at the last moment, but do it anyway. Take the job you're not sure will work because you don't really still want to be around here next semester. Make plans for vacations and weekends. You need to live your life now and you will figure things out if you need to change them.

You will meet a lot of cool people, and enjoy that. Have fun seeing new places and doing new things. Learn something from everyone, even if it's a horrible date. Each date is one closer to the right one, and you can find some small merit in each person alone as well. You may not get along with someone, but every person has new perspectives and things to share; listen to them and add what they have to offer to your repertoire of knowledge and random facts.

Be cautious though. Some people may not have your best interests in mind, whatever they tell you. They may think they do, have convinced themselves they do, but ultimately, they don't care if they crush you. You will struggle to find the balance of protecting your heart and giving it over to another so you can try to make sense of a relationship with him. There is no right way to do it; just be true to yourself.

You will get your heart broken, a few times actually. Don't be hard on yourself about that pain. It's natural and normal, and it will ultimately make you stronger. You can't fight it. Love freely; you have to make your own mistakes and follow down those relationships. Even after you get hurt, don't be scared to put yourself out there and take chances, it's the only way you can truly connect and create a deep meaningful relationship with someone.

Stop caring what everyone else thinks or says. This is your life, and you decide how to live it. Don't buy into "nebach she's still single" stereotypes and stigmas. People can think and assume whatever they want, but just as you won't know why you're not married yet, neither do they. It doesn't matter what they think. You're awesome, and you have the same capabilities as anyone who is married. People unknowingly blind themselves with stupid stigmas and assumptions. Don't fall into that same close-minded trap. Challenge yourself every day; take stock of your beliefs and expectations.

Keep fighting and be yourself. Don't give up on things that are important to you. Believe that you deserve the best, and you will get it. Remember that it's okay to be angry, but realize that "anger is sad's bodyguard." The only way through sadness is actually through. Sadness is uncomfortable, but it's okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. Don't try to escape it. You will learn a lot about yourself throughout this process, and it will ultimately make you into a better person. Don't give that up just because it's hard. You don't have a choice how long the journey will be, so sit back and try to make the best of the ride.

Happy traveling!

The Toxic Attraction Between an Empath and a Narcisisst

This is not my article, read the original by Alex Myles here.

From my own experience and studies on narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.

Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.

Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.

What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.

This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.

The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.

The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.

When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.

As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.

An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.

Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.

An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.

However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.

Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.

However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.

In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.

We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.

The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never too late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.

An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.

A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realise they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked, so they will seek out their next victim.

The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.

Demons

My existence is corroded
I played hard -- my hand's since folded

Memories fill my dreams
Turned nightmares now, everything no longer like it seems

I want to run, I want to hide
Can't escape, this beast's inside

You need just look through my eyes
That's where this demon lies

I dug my own grave
Through that masquerade

I got too close
I thought it harmed us both

But while I await my next curtain call
Looks like you've got it all

I need to let you go
Counter punch this nasty blow

You replaced me in a flash
It's left an ugly gash

I don't want to be mad at you
But the pain's too difficult to be rational through

You moved on, I know
I need to let you go

You never needed me
Just any girl and you were free

Too invested in us
Now left to wait for my bus

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Or at least that's what they say
How long does it take to kick in though
It certainly doesn't happen in a day

I hit a roadblock
And I'm facing adversity
It leaves me feeling vulnerable
And full of uncertainty

But at some point I know that
This situation will help me
When I face other hardships
It'll be easier to a certain degree

Yet that's only so because it'll mean
I've lost my innocence and naiveté
Things I wish I could've held onto
And not let be torn away

Scar tissue is stronger
I know that that is true
And building strong muscles takes
Pain endurance too

One can't be sheltered his whole life
He needs to go through tough stuff and grow
G-d gives you only what you can handle
This truth you must hold onto and know

On Breaking Up

Just hanging in there...you know, fake it 'til ya make it! I don't really have a choice, do I? It's been hard, but I think it's getting a little easier. Everything reminds me of him, and sometimes I just get this overwhelming sense of sadness and...maybe guilt? These feelings are kind of hard to define. They just make me feel really down and unmotivated. But, it's only been a week and some of that is going away already.

This past week my mind felt like a scratched disk, playing the same "few" scenes over and over, and then there's the fantasizing and daydreams...At least I can just accept it for what it is and know that it's a normal and healthy reaction to this breakup...especially this breakup. It'll take time, but eventually things will get better.

Also, now I'm back to the same stresses as before (ie. work stuff), which is hard in it of itself. While I was preoccupied those stresses didn't really matter at all, now I have to deal with them again, so that's its own thing. Im"yH some other distraction will come up soon, I hope. I don't actually believe that, but I'm trying. Everyone says that I'm so strong and whatever, but I'm just wondering what not being like this would look like? I'd like to try that on for size!

So it's really not major guilt...just like feeling bad for him/not being able to save the world kind of thing, letting it go on as long as it did if it had to end, and just being the catalyst to a myriad of things he then felt comfortable doing/telling me (which all of it of course only makes it harder for me and presumably for him). It's not my fault that he was infatuated with me and so emotionally open he felt comfortable telling it all to me, right?

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't actually think that therapy would help, though not because I'm shying away from the idea. I'm all for it...mental healthcare is what I do for a living. Yet, I think this is mostly about time and moving on. It's not like I'm stuck on him or can't/don't know how to talk about it. I've talked about it probably to a fault. I've over-analyzed it to the point that I know why we couldn't work and thus don't want to marry him and therefore can't date each other. And like he says, we'd never make it as friends, we like each other too much.

Now it's mostly just about missing him, constantly wanting to share things with him, sensing this gap in my life where he used to be, and feeling like I have a piece of him that I can never give back or share with him ever again. I don't feel so much like he holds a piece of me or is a piece of me. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with that whole me not being sure if I "like him like him" thing. That was a major gift. If I would have been that into him despite my misgivings, it would be a thousand times harder.

It was so awesome having my own personal fan club and savior thing going on, but maybe it wasn't so healthy. I need independent self-esteem. So he thinks that I'm the prettiest girl in the world and a super good person in every way. I'm not going to lie, that felt amazing. However, I need to stand on my own and feel good about myself without someone worshiping me.

It's really really hard. What I'm not going to do is get myself into a rebound situation, it's not worth it. Everyone's pushing me to "get back on the horse" so we'll see how long that lasts! Well, at least I deleted his messages and phone number the night we broke up. I have it written down somewhere, but we talked about deleting each others' numbers, so I'm not tempted to call/text him. It wouldn't be fair to him anyway...I broke up with him technically, so I can't contact him.

It makes me feel awful to say this, but a part of me wishes that we'd have never met in the first place. Things would have been so much less complicated.

Of Bad Blind Dates

Oh, how I hate the shidduch system. I don't know why I would ever want to date someone I've never met before, regardless of how many people say nice things about him. The more positive things I hear, the more I anticipate a good date. And, the build-up to that date that ends up being a bomb... Wow, it's painful.

A simple "yes" holds so much potential. After waiting too long for a date, it just made me think that perhaps this could be "the one." Maybe it's finally my time. So much preparation, mental, physical, and emotional, goes into the date. It holds hope for me. I makes me fantasize of finally being happy, dating a normal guy that I can respect and adore, perhaps even him proposing after awhile. Finally, finally, it'd be my turn to join the exclusive club of "the engaged/marrieds," flaunting a diamond and a cute guy who's devoted to me, no longer having to take the callous looks of pity, the "You're next"s, "I'm waiting"s, etc. I'd finally be able to move on with my life, finally feel like I have reached my purpose as a Jewish woman.

Not only were my hopes cruelly dashed, but he was so off, that it made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Granted, the person who suggested the idea apparently doesn't know me very well, but really! What about all the great things people said about him?! Could it be that we just didn't click, 'cuz I thought he was straight-up brainwashed and...weird. He seemed to have no idea about the real world, and talked out of two sides of his mouth. Yet, he was adamant about what he said and couldn't have a normal conversation.

I'm a fairly outgoing and loquacious person and I manage to make most people feel comfortable, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been, but just thinking about things he said and did makes me cringe.

The whole experience makes me wonder if I'll ever meet the right one. Will I ever get married? When will it be my chance at happiness? Am I supposed to compromise on something? I'm not overly picky or ridiculous. I'm not shallow or persnickety. What am I doing wrong? What is there left for me to do here? What does G-d want from me? Why are all my friends married, having their first or second kid, girls a lot younger than me dating briefly and getting married, and I'm left here single, dating weirdos, when I have a date at all?

My Life Is A Romantic Comedy

...minus the romance.

Well, what can I say? The wedding yesterday was unexpectedly fun. Sure, I'd anticipated it would be somewhat enjoyable, but not like it was. I don't know, maybe it was just about being able to let loose a little. Perhaps it was the pent-up energy from sitting in too much traffic, the adrenaline rush from going from idle to overdrive super quickly. Maybe it was the feeling of being made-up and dressed to the nines, knowing I was turning heads as I walked by. (Alright, I know that sounds vain, but I was living in the moment...) Or could it have been being surrounded by testosterone, the type that doesn't refuse to make eye contact with females, all the cute guys that were pretty undeniably taken? Okay, I admit, there are different types of taken, and just maybe I'm not accustomed to everyone having to bring a date to a wedding. And, possibly the 'cute' part is the alcohol talking -- beer goggles and all that. I promise, I only had two drinks, a Sea Breeze and a Mojito, but it could be that the open bar was contributing to the buzz. I think, though, that the stunning decor, ambiance, and good food helped a lot too. Thinking back, I was in a really good mood, uber confident, totally chilled, super loose, chattering a lot, a bit less inhibited than usual, but that was even before I took one sip of free drinks. Hmmm, well, there's definitely overtiredness somewhere in that mix too to blame.

As I was leaving, I passed a guy in the lobby already in his street clothes; his T-shirt read, "I am awesome." I had the stupid inclination to ask him if it was just his shirt that was awesome, or the dude inside it too. I considered greeting him, "Hey 'Awesome,' nice to meet you!" I didn't. I don't really remember what he looked like, since it was his shirt that stood out, but perhaps I just didn't think he was worth it, even in my fake-buzz, hyper, overtired state.

Pulling out of the place, I passed friends posing and taking pictures by the lit-up coach out front. In my high-minded mood I sent them a text that read: "Hey gorgeous, You left your glass slipper. Call me if you want it back. Signed, Your Handsome Prince Charming." The text was sent anonymously, so we had some good fun with that one during our car ride home.

The day was definitely worth the road trip, even if there was excessive traffic both ways. I couldn't help but wonder though, as I do by almost every wedding I attend, when my prince will arrive.

Self-Esteem and Poker Chips

Popular educator Richard (Rick) Lavoie has a brilliant take on self-esteem. It is affectionately known as the "Poker Chip Theory." Lavoie purports that some people have huge piles of poker chips, and these people are undeniably unstoppable winners. Others start off with just a couple of short stacks in front of them.

Watch any World Series of Poker and it's quite evident that almost always when big stacks meets short stack, big stack throws his weight around. Also, short stack is usually cautious and timid.

Every morning we wake up, we pick up our stacks, and head to our poker tournament. A disgruntled word with a roommate, sibling, etc. robs us of some chips from our stacks. An angry driver or insane traffic, near accident, or the like depletes 3 stacks, and by the time you reach work, you're down 4 stacks. You may have only woken up with 7 stacks, so you're down to 3 stacks to last you an entire day. Your day begins in earnest and you realize you're right up against a deadline and not feeling very confident you're going to make it. Your ever efficient coworker offers to help you out and bungles her assignment, but don't worry about her because she has lots of stacks of chips to fall back on. You reach your deadline just in time and get praise from your boss. Up some chips. You break for lunch and bump into a friend you haven't seen in forever. You chat, she compliments you, you laugh over a shared joke...chips are piling up...When you get back to the office there's a crisis, but you have a poker chip reserve to fall back on and make it out of there without any tears.

To make a long story short, somethings deplete poker chips more than others. However, instead of avoiding such situations, we just need to head into the game stronger. We need to find ways to grow our chip stacks.