Happy Valentine's

While I'm not naturally a cynic (okay, maybe only partly cynical), I truly believe that Valentine's Day was created with green, not red/pink, in mind. I'm a romantic when it comes to love, but Valentine's Day isn't about that. Some holidays are simply created for commercial purposes, and Valentine's Day is the most guilty of this.

I love the GIECO gecko meme reading "I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single." 

It's not to say that we shouldn't appreciate our significant others, get them gifts, flowers, chocolates...but does there need to be a holiday to do that?

Scrolling through my feed, I noticed an article titled, "We Need To Stop Treating Being Single Like A Disease." Totally. 

Disable Comments

"Maybe they can't help you get married, but they can lessen the pain you're experiencing while waiting."

Wise words indeed.

No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.

Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.

As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice." 

Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!

#itsallpartofthenisayon

Yup, That's What Was Said

"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"

"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."

"Why don't you just get married?"

All spoken in real life. 

I kid you not.  

I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these. 

What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?

I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though. 

Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand. 

#itsallpartofthenisayon

The Art of The No

Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.

Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?

It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.

Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.

Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!

-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)

-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.

-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.

Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.

"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."

"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."

"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"

That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!

It's Not About Why Not

"He's a normal guy I think. He said yes to you? You should just go out."

"Just try it. What are you scared of?"

It's not about why not. There needs to be a why yes. Why should I go out with this guy just because he's interested in me? I guess technically it could mean something, but often it does not. I don't need to jump at every name. There needs to be a reason why I'm considering marrying someone, right? And that's what dating is. We date for marriage.

No, we should not be looking for the "no's," but there needs to be a compelling reason why yes.

Everyone dates differently. For some people it isn't complicated. Nice person, nice family, check and check. Go out, get married. Such people could probably marry a handful of people and it's just the matter of who s/he meets first. For others there is so much more that needs to line up. There are certain things that really matter. There are specific things that need to be present.

It isn't a personal insult when I turn down your idea or turn down you. It's just that there are some things that are important and necessary. If it's not there, if the profile doesn't sound compelling, let's not waste anyone's time.

Some Tact Please

At another vort last night (B"H for simchos) of a friend and relative's younger sibling, we were having the conversation of how, in essence, common sense ain't so common.

Instead of saying Mazel Tov when hearing that the younger sibling got engaged, the general comment was, "How are you?" People assuming that I'm not okay because my younger sibling is engaged is annoying. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but why do you have to jump to that conclusion and/or rub it in? (I'm speaking from my own experience too.)

I thing it's really best to take cues from the person herself/himself. If I don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. There are more tactful subtle ways to go about that conversation as well. You can ask "what's up" or "how are things" and if the person wants to share what they're thinking or feeling about the younger sibling being engaged, s/he will. It's about respecting privacy and boundaries, not prying, not being annoying, not rubbing it in her/his face that s/he might have a reason to be sad.

So yes, it's a delicate balance, because some people expect you to ask. If you're not sure though, play it safe and be neutral. Never say, "You know you can talk to me." For me, what was most amusing and slightly frustrating (and perhaps a tribute to how I form relationships) was that when my younger brother got engaged/married many many people said, "But I can ask how you're doing..."

We're all human and we'll make mistakes, but it's helpful to be cautious and try not to hurt people unintentionally. On the receiving end, like someone reminded me recently, this is one of those things that is part of the nisayon of being single. There are so many added things that are difficult that are indirect outgrowths of not being married. This is one of them.

At A Younger Sibling's Simcha

Spending a good portion of the day at a good friend's younger sibling's vort really made me think about my own experiences like this (outlined in these posts). Really, I'm happy to be moral support, play bodyguard, or just be a welcome distraction.

At my own younger sibling's vort, I remember telling my friends they didn't need to come. When we talk about it now, they laugh at me for being macho and playing the "I got this" card, when it turned out to be not that fun. I don't think I was thinking "I got this" back then. Really, I just didn't want to be the older sorry single sibling who needed friends surrounding her at all times to make it through the night. I thought I would be okay, because it was a simcha of a sibling. I figured there would be enough family around to keep me occupied. I guess I didn't realize how it was going to play out and that there would be lots of (younger) people that I knew coming for the chosson and kallah and how that would feel.

While there will always be a fair share of people who don't think, I believe that people have gotten a lot better in the recent years. (Unless I, and my friends, have just gotten older and so people are more sensitive.) We're hearing less "Iy"H by you"s, less "You're next," less "We should share in simchos." We get it, you're trying to be nice, but it hurts.

I've mentioned the article we compiled to share some of these helpful tips, which no one wanted to publish. (Perhaps it really can be revamped to become publishable.) We were talking about it during the informal after-party with a neighbor who wanted to know how many hurtful comments my friend had gotten during the course of the vort. She came up with the idea that we should make a "What Not To Say At A Younger Relative's Simcha" youtube video. Interesting idea. Perhaps we'll start writing a script...

Being single is one challenge, having younger siblings and being single is another.

When A Person Becomes A Label –– Guest Post

We live in a world of labels –– on food, clothes, politics, and everything in between. Everywhere we go, labels provide us with information, both crucial and non-crucial. They can also serve the purpose of showing others who we are as people. So, of course, why would anyone then expect dating to be any different?

I was signing up for SYAS the other day, and one of the fields that it asks is how you identify religiously. These choices ranged from Traditional and Reform to Yeshivish and Chassidish, going into as much detail as "Modern Orthodox Machmir" and "Modern Yeshivish." With all those choices, you would think that they span the spectrum and cover everyone, right?

Now, from a purely logical point-of-view, I can understand the use of using this system; it allows people to weed out those that are not for them at a quick glance. However, the problem is that dating, relationships, and love are not intellectual by definition. How is it that we can boil down who someone is to a label? And what happens when someone falls through the cracks?

I grew up going to a Frum Jewish day school and went on to study in yeshiva, both for high school and after. But the thing is, I didn’t become Frum until 11th grade. So, not only am I dealing with the stigma of being a Baal Teshuva, there is no box for me at all. I feel like I am too Yeshivish for the MO crowd and too Modern for the Yeshivish crowd.

Now, I don’t have answers for this, but what can we do as a community for those like me that don't feel like they have a place? The feeling of continuous rejections, either because a shadchan can’t comprehend what I'm looking for, or because someone takes a look at my resume and instantly thinks that due to my background/family I can’t be who I say I am or I'm not right for them.

In short, while labels can be useful, perhaps they should not necessarily have the amount of power they are given. There is no doubt that we need a system to help figure out (quickly) who is worth looking into, but I feel that we must remember that as singles we are going through this together. It would behoove us to remember that while labels may tell you something about a person, they are not the full embodiment of that person, and we owe it to ourselves, and each other, to look past the superficial.

Is There "Happily Ever After"?

Enjoying an afternoon with extended family –– a rare occurrence since chol hamoed usually falls out on workdays –– everything was going fairly well until 7 year old of married cousin a few years older than me speaks up. The context was a conversation I was having with a random cousin home for yuntif during his third (ish?) year learning in Israel. He was saying I should come visit and hang out since he's not learning during second seder anyway this coming winter zman, as he's studying for his LSATs. I'm not exactly sure how the comment fit in at all, but said 7 year old looked at me with all the seriousness of being 7 years old and having all the answers.

"Why don't you just get married?"

I looked at her, curious, trying to figure out where she was going with that question.

"Because then you'll live happily ever after..."

I think she was trying to say that I won't have to deal with her uncle or take trips or who knows what.

Coming from a 7 year old, the comment didn't really bother me, but it got me thinking. What are we teaching our young children? Why do 7 year olds have concepts of such things? Do we, as a society, perpetuate this?

It's a lot to think about. It's about 7 year olds talking about dating/marriage, but it's also how as if it's the ultimate solution to every problem.

I love this quote from Samara O'Shea, which I talked about here.

While Disney taught us from a young age that happiness exists "over there, in that castle with that person," O'Shea muses, "...that there is only one dragon to slay, someone else will slay it for you, and on the other side of that afternoon kill is nirvana...In reality...there are many dragons to slay...and the only person that can pull the sword from the stone and make the monster beg for mercy is you..."

In the way of just a small example, does being married make in-law yuntif drama less? If anything it adds a whole other dimension. There are challenges in every aspect of life. Although, having someone in your corner who will hopefully take your side and support you in these great discussions and disagreements that can get super emotional and personal when there's lots of family, friends, and other guests that don't necessarily see eye-to-eye, decidedly makes things a little more comfortable.

A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post

People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.

But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.

So obviously we are not good enough as is.

Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.

It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.

I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.

The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.

I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Someone who I went to high school with, and with whom I haven't spoken to in months and months, texted me:

"Hi SPDR, I just wanted to know what you're looking for."

A few minutes later, "I hope you had a good Rosh Hashana."

Only slightly annoyed at her phraseology and method, I politely replied.

"Hi! You mean in terms of a guy? This is what I tell people..."

"Okay, would you go out with a long-term learner?"

I tried to ignore the expression she used. I tried to ignore that fact that she was asking me about one characteristic when there's so much more to the person, I hope. I just answered her question, very clearly and concisely.

"No."

"Oh well," she replied.

"Just thought it would be a good idea in terms of personality, etc., but he's a long term learner."

To which I replied that I doubt we would be on the same page in terms of hashkafos, broadmindedness, worldliness, etc."

"But he's openminded. That's why I thought of you."

Trying to be open, I questioned in what ways he's openminded and what his background is, etc., but that I would likely not go out with someone only learning at this point, especially someone who plans to stay in kollel indefinitely. She didn't answer. A little while later she got back to me.

"Okay...well, I mentioned to him that you would date someone working and he said he's not interested then."

Ummm, why does she not listen what I have to say about this, but whatever he says goes? I mean, that was exactly the point, wasn't it? Does she think I'm so desperate that even if I tell her flat out "no," that I would not agree to go out with someone wanting to learn forever, I would consider it? I was never looking to marry a guy who wanted to learn l'olmei ad, even when I was super bright-eyed and bushy-tailed straight out of seminary wanting to scrimp and save to support a family in kollel forever. 

Honestly, I feel like it's disrespectful. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but her way about it rubs me the wrong way. If I tell you that that's not what I want, why are you belaboring the point? Why is it only good enough when the guy says that he doesn't want someone who doesn't want someone learning? Was there a reason why you asked me what I'm looking for or was that a formality?

Maybe only ask questions if you really are going to listen to the answer.

Making Things Better

In a recent article, and talk, Rabbi Moshe Hauer nailed it. He spoke about how it's the community's responsibility to make things better for our singles.

He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.

You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.

While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.

Welcome...Please Leave Me A Comment

I got a call yesterday.

"I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you."

Okay, not that unusual. I occasionally get phone calls from people I haven't spoken to in awhile.

"I'm worried about you SPDR."

A little bit unusual. Out of the blue, worried about me.

"I have a confession to make; I've been reading your blog. I read every post, even the back-links."

That sort of explains it.

I have no idea who you are, all you ghost readers. It's okay, I'm not complaining. I'm glad you're reading. I'm happy you keep coming back for more. I hope something I say can inspire you. It'd be awesome though if you could drop me a line and let me know who you are or where you're reading from, especially if we know each other IRL. Maybe I gave you my url once upon a time and you've been following my rantings since. Comment, email, text, call... I'd love to touch base.

And please, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I process through writing (and talking), so even though I know that a lot of my stuff hasn't been that happy recently, I promise, I'm doing okay. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Dignity for Singles

Someone sent me the link to Chananya Weissman's post on The Times of Israel titled "Dignity for Singles."  I'll let you read it yourself instead of rewriting it.

I think he pointed out many important ideas, and I related to a lot of them. Perhaps his article is similar to the article we wrote, which has yet to be published, outlining various perspectives from singles regarding the so called "shidduch crisis" and how people can help instead of hurt. However, I think that something that was missing from Weissman's post was the positive side to all this. I really feel like it would behoove us to remember that despite the frequent unkindness and insensitivity that we are subjected to as singles, there is so much chesed that goes on trying to help all those that are searching for their soulmates.

It never helps to stereotype and stigmatize on either end.

How Shidduchim Has Changed Within the Last Five Years

While it used to be about waiting by your phone for it to ring, hoping it would be someone with a suggestion for you, the ways shidduchim are brainstormed/redt nowadays has mushroomed quite a bit.

There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.

Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?

I'm not so sure about that.

Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)

However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.

I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.

"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."

"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."

"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"

"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")

Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.

I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.

So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.

Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov.  (At least something positive can come from this, right?)

Flying Without Wings –– Guest Post

Written by a friend, this brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. (All views and opinions belong strictly to the author.) 

It was another failed mission, another deflated hot air balloon of potential matrimony. It was the constant refrain I hear whenever I try to set up a young man and a young woman. "Thanks so much but--NO!" "I really appreciate you thinking of me but--NO!" They come in all shapes and sizes, these "NO!s", but there is no getting around it. A NO is a NO and it obfuscates any hope for a yes. A NO! is the finger that snuffs out the kindling embers.

Why the heck is everyone trying to reach the NO!?

Look, I was once in shidduchim, and it was super frustrating and annoying. Especially when I was set up with guys who were so, um, NO! But for me, I felt that my effort was to seriously consider every potential guy with an ayin tova, a good eye. Instead of rifling through dirty laundry to find the NO!, I sought to discover the YES! Every person has good qualities and potential, and I wanted to find that. Every marriage requires flexibility and adaptability, so I worked to strengthen my versatility. NO! was not part of my overall vocabulary during this era in my life. There were only two young men who I turned away without meeting- one could only be described as a "well-hearted man" who "was just average" (nothing better to say?!), and the other had been raised in a certain environment that was antithetical to my values (ambiguous intentionally, as it was a red flag for me, but not necessarily for others. I also knew his family well, so it was not a blind, curtain dropping NO!) I felt that I should first get to know the guy, see the good for myself, before facing the negative facts.

My perspective: If Hashem has directed me to this young man, there must be a reason, something for me to gain from. Of course, at most times, I did not have a barrage of young men at my door. It is sometimes necessary to create a soft, nicely padded "No," for those times when options necessitate selection.

But when I try to set people up, I am met with resounding NO!s. First come the questions (how should I know how she'd react if she had a flat tire- never happened! Um, of course he'll wake up to feed the theoretical triplets when his wife is sleep deprived. Yes, naturally, she would drive to San Mateo, CA, to conduct a kiruv seminar with her husband if he was to become a world-renowned kiruv rav.) I have been shocked, but of the last 5 dates I have tried to arrange, 3 of them were NOs! because of a 3 or 4 hour driving distance.

Ah, the NO!s 

No,

Too modern.

Too bald.

Too boring.

Too loud-tie wearing.

Too shiny teeth.

Too far a drive.

Too close to home.

Too typical.

Too exotic.

Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.

This is not directed to a specific person, but just some food for thought. 

WHAT IF... your intended kallah was only 4'9" and you said no because you envisioned yourself with a tall blonde?

WHAT IF your intended beshert had a prosthetic leg and you always envisioned yourself with a two-legged man?

WHAT IF your intended beshert lived outside your 30 miles of comfort and you always envisioned marrying the girl next door?

WHAT IF the reason you are in shidduchim for this period of time is to extend yourself? To find yourself beyond the parochial confines of your imagination? What if the reason you are still lonely is because you said no to your intended beshert without ever meeting him?

When I was still dating, I would debate with my friends. Why do you ask about medical issues before meeting the person? Why do you talk about emuna, faith, but try to create your own recipe for a "happy marriage" by ruling out those with certain illnesses? G-d gives life, G-d takes away life, G-d forbid. He grants health, and just as easily, he can G-d forbid take it. In a society that is very focused on emuna when it comes to income, we seem to selectively abandon our emuna in dating. Hashem can easily bring upon post partum depression to that woman who had no TRACE of it beforehand...Hashem can instantly turn a healthy person into a type I diabetic -even adult onset! Hashem can, within the blink of an eye, distort our reality. And at the same time, those who have faced serious adversity (both in the form of health issues, dysfunctional backgrounds, etc.) can be the strongest, most amazing spouses and parents out there because they have worked their entire lives to OVERCOME.

I work in a health care environment of chronic diseases, and I am always amazed by the beautiful marriages some patients have built. "Wait, you married her knowing she would need this surgery some time in the near future?" "Hang on - you CHOSE to marry him, of all eligible men, despite this debilitating disease he has for life?" Yes. Not because they were desperate, not because they were angels. But because they CHOSE to see the YES, to see the good. They overlooked the NOs, they did not seek out the NOs before getting to know the soul, the good, the strength.

Everyone should merit to marry emotionally and physically healthy spouses- of course. But the path to marriage is not straightforward for most - we have to work, struggle, grow. What better way to start off the process than looking for the positive, for the YES!

As fate would have it, I had to attest to my convictions that I had so professed to my friends regarding health issues. If I had looked for the NO!, I would never have married my husband. He had a blaring handicap that was such a NO! without even meeting him. The NO! literally opposed an item on my list of top 5 qualities because my list did not leave room for revision, for interference. It's words had strict definition. But I was intrigued. And I was determined to focus on the positive. So I said yes. Throughout our dating, I got to see the immense good that the NO! almost clouded. Intensely sensitive to others. Super-humanly hard working. Everything he had, he had to work triple hard to obtain because of his disability. And by the end of our courtship - at the start of our marriage- I said to him, "If not for your disability, I would never have married you." Not a pity marriage- never marry for pity. I saw that his weakness - his disability- proved to be the source of all his strength. I realized that my vocabulary of my list was limited. I thought that certain traits were defined a specific way, but he taught me that you CAN fly without wings. You CAN see without eyes. If not for his disability, he would not have embarked on the journey to push himself to his potential. And that is an awesome, inspiring reality.

So please- next time you want to say NO!, reconsider. It may very well be that the NO! could be blinding you from the most amazing future. Live a little, surprise yourself, and see where the "yes" takes you.

15 Ways Being In Shidduchim Has Helped Me Feel the Galus

1. A shadchan asked me for another "more casual" picture "to share" even though the one she had is me perfectly casual, how I look in real life; it's not like it's me at a wedding or even dressed up.

2. Someone asked my coworker if I'm good at my job, because after all, I'm not married so how much could I know already.

3. A shadchan, trying to figure out what type of guy I'm looking for, told me that a particular yeshiva where a-guy-I-dated-seriously learned was "the bottom of the barrel."

4. I've been kindly advised that I don't want to be 30 and not married so I need to decide what I'm going to compromise on in a guy.

5. A shadchan calmly declared that the type of guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. (How come I've dated so many of the type then??)

6. By the way people treat me sometimes, it feels like I wear a sign around my neck, "Single. Something Must Be Wrong With Me. I Want Your Pity."

7. Someone asked a friend of mine to babysit, even though she's at least five years older than the parents and has a job, a life, and is probably just as busy as the mom.

8. I was encouraged to get engaged/married to someone with a particular set of things that bothered me...because I was "older." (I was 22 at the time (!), and thank G-d I didn't.)

9. We're encouraging 21 year old guys to start dating, because "He's 21, Just Ask!"

10. There's usually some sort of turbulence around "yeses" and the process that goes into deciding who I should go out with. It's probably the biggest thing I fight with my parents about...I hate that it gives us a reason to argue.

11. People will suggest someone to me just because "he's older" and I'm "a little older." When I ask why they think it's a good idea they accuse me of being picky and "don't you want to get married?!"

12. Someone once asked me for a picture to send to a guy she was trying to redt me to. After I sent her one, she replied, "Not that one. Can you send another?" I sent another. I kid you not, this went on for a handful of pictures. "I don't get it," she said. "You're so pretty, don't you have any better pictures?" I ended up telling my mom to deal with the person, because what I really wanted to say was that I'm not going out with that guy that wanted the picture, and he could marry a photo of me. I'd even autograph it for him.

13. I used to have a colorful shidduch profile/resume. I thought it was cute and reflected my penchant for creativity. That is until a shadchan told me I need to change it, and "What are you, like, in high school, or something?"

14. A shadchan was redting me to a guy (I guess he was younger than me) and told me that I need to take my date of birth off my resume asap. I'm not really sure what was happening there. Was she planning to lie about my age? (And this was a good while ago...)

15. Perhaps it ultimately comes down to the pain and heartache that feeling alone and navigating the rocky terrain of this shidduch battlefield generates: the feeling of being itemized and objectified often, being misunderstood and misjudged, having to be "sold"/proven worthy to people/waiting for a "yes," never getting any reply ever from shadchanim who ask me to stay in touch, disrupting important plans because meeting every new suggestion is a priority if I want to get married, the repeated heartbreak of connecting with someone and building a relationship and then having to let him go forever, the breakups that are compounded by said guy after dating me for so long going and getting engaged a mere few weeks later - pouring salt on that raw wound, having to reduce myself to a few sentences on a paper, watching everyone else around me successfully moving forward in their lives and wondering if I'll ever be able to get off this hamster wheel, feeling sad for myself and being yelled at because I "should be happier" because "your sister/brother/cousin/random acquaintance just got engaged/married! Are you so self-absorbed," and really everything else that comes along with this game...

To Be A Shadchan

Last week's Hamodia Weekly Magazine featured an article written by a girl in shidduchim.

"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."

So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.

Why is that?

Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."

I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.

Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis

Someone sent this to me, and I had to repost it. Go ahead and click on the link; take a few minutes to read Rochel Spangenthal's "Stop Talking About the Shidduch Crisis." It won't disappoint.

When Your Nisayon is So Overt

Purim is one of my favorite chagim. I love everything creative and crafty, and I always have a lot of fun coming up with and executing a theme for my mishloach manos and related Purim festivities.

This year while I was brainstorming, I ran a few ideas past some people. I wanted to base the shalach manos on the idea of "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone who has vodka, and make a party." I thought it could be cute and classy at the same time. Lemonade in a glass bottle, lemons, and a vodka mini. A poem about how the Jews at the time of Purim had lemons, found their way to make lemonade, and ended up having a party. 

My idea got shot down right away. "You cannot do that! It will make you seem like a bitter older single!" 

Sigh. Doesn't everyone have their struggles in life? Just because mine is so apparent, does it have to mean that I'm bitter if I make reference to life and life's struggles? Would it be different if the shalach manos was coming from someone who had a diagnosis no one knew about and it seemed like s/he was just referring to the Purim story and  life in general? Do people really assume that I think my life is so "sour" if I reference trying to make the best of a hard situation?

Perhaps this is part of the challenge –– the fact that everyone knows about it, assumes that it's hard, expects us to be sad, making assumptions how we feel. Don't get me wrong –– "hard," "sad," "challenge" –– they've all been thought about in relation to this stage in life, but does everything I do have to be connected with it? Being single isn't my only piece of identity, only reason behind everything I do. Yet, this is what happens when your nisayon is so overt.