Let's talk about this blog's title.
What's the battle? Where's the battle? Why do I think I'm a warrior? Who is fighting?
Okay, so clearly, shidduchim is not a battle, nor a battlefield, in a literal sense. It isn't a fight. But I do feel like this stage of my life is often a struggle for my own sanity, my own sense of self, my own confidence in myself and what I'm doing, and a battle of wits (sometimes).
If we really have to break it down (though I personally like the ambiguity in it, because it leaves something for each of you to interpret), the warriors are the singles who are forced into the foray of battle. Regardless whether they want to fight or not, regardless of whether they've found their armor or not, they will take hits. Maybe not all. Maybe some will get to the other side unscathed, but if they are forced to stay in this war long enough, they will have to nurse some wounds at some point.
The fight is for self. The fight is for not losing what is dear to one's sense of worth, his values. Perhaps a tad dramatic, yes, but think about it. This journey forces one to take a look at himself/herself and decide what he wants to keep and what he wants to let go.
The struggle is dealing with everyone else that pops up along the way. Perhaps it's a well meaning friend, shadchan, random whoever, who unwittingly hits you where it hurts. Because in battle you're always on guard.
The battle is inside the head and heart of the single. S/he can choose to ignore, mute, disregard, compartmentalize it. S/he can exaggerate, exacerbate, and emphasize it. We all have that choice. Perhaps at one point one way is better than the other. Sometimes the battlefield is quiet, and sometimes it's deafening. Sometimes it's dark, and sometimes it is light. Sometimes we fight alone, and sometimes we have others by our side.
We all have armor of some sort hopefully, and while I choose to often fight without parts of it, perhaps you show up with it on. No two experiences are alike. We're all just doing our best to get through this unharmed.
Showing posts with label Nisyonos/Emunah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nisyonos/Emunah. Show all posts
Friday, April 27, 2018
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Where is the Sun?
Waking up this morning, the world is devoid of sun. It’s bitter and dreary. Yesterday there was radiant sun, shining brightly, highlighting all the beautiful things in this life. Today, clouds blanket the sky, obscure the brilliant light. Big fat raindrops periodically splatter my windshield, stopping and starting at random. There's fog so dense, it is hard to navigate from just point A to B. The heat of yesterday's sun shrouded, the day chilly and uninviting.
I can go turn on some lights, even cozy up by a fireplace, perhaps even pull out a rarely used lantern, and go check out the lights in the city...I'll find some artificial illumination for now.
The world muted and painted in grays. Everything feels irritating, smiles and grins hidden. Where there was happiness there is gloom. Where there was light and laughter there is melancholy and despair.
Is the weather just random? Where is the sun?
Is the weather just random? Where is the sun?
I can go turn on some lights, even cozy up by a fireplace, perhaps even pull out a rarely used lantern, and go check out the lights in the city...I'll find some artificial illumination for now.
Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Don't Do Unto Others
A flight attendant was serving a respected rabbi on a plane. Recognizing his religious garb she asked him, "What is Judaism? What do Jews believe?"
The rav, without missing a beat, replied, "Don't do onto others what you don't wish to be done to you. That's the foundation of Judaism."
The attendant wanted to know what that had to do with being able to eat or not eat certain things.
"Okay," said the rabbi, "I'm sure you've noticed Jewish travelers checking food packages for a specific symbol, correct?"
"Yes, I have! But what does that have to do with respecting others?"
"Jews are trained not to just eat something because they want to. They don't just say something because they want. They don't just do something because they want to. By checking packages, they're showing it's not about them. They're following a moral code, and they're trained to see the needs of others."
Pesach we check packages. Sefirah, we work on seeing others.
(Paraphrased from Mishpacha Magazine's Calligraphy, original article by Yisroel Besser)
I don't usually read Mishpacha, as you may know if you've been with me for awhile. Yet, against my better judgment I read this Pesach's story supplement. Shoot me. I'll even make a plug here for Rikki Ehrlich's "The Exit Interview." IMHO it was quite the worthy read. Everyone should read it. But that's not what this post is about.
It's interesting how sometimes bein adam l'makom is clearer, easier than bein adam l'chaveiro. We work on both during Sefirah, but bein adam l'chaveiro is a special focus. We mourn the deaths of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died because they didn't treat each other with respect. Crazy, almost, if you think about it. How much do we focus on respect of others nowadays? How much do we judge and gossip? How much do we judge and stigmatize?
Also not the point of this post.
Or maybe it is. What freedom do you take from Pesach? Supposedly the chometz represents yetzer hara, which we are free from for the entirety of the Chag. The aveiros we do –– hergel, habit. I'm not sure who this idea is attributed to, but it's interesting for sure.
There is so much pressure in this stage of life. While dating for some is just a passageway from young adulthood to what comes beyond that (in the form of marriage, responsibility, and family), to others it is a stage in it of itself. It's Mitzrayim, it's narrow and constricting. No two people's experiences are the same. While some may have sagas of heartbreaks and "almosts," others may have stories of emptiness for months or years on end.
No judgements. No need to compare. Can we see others as is? Empathy, not pity. Freedom, not slavery.
Happy Counting.
The rav, without missing a beat, replied, "Don't do onto others what you don't wish to be done to you. That's the foundation of Judaism."
The attendant wanted to know what that had to do with being able to eat or not eat certain things.
"Okay," said the rabbi, "I'm sure you've noticed Jewish travelers checking food packages for a specific symbol, correct?"
"Yes, I have! But what does that have to do with respecting others?"
"Jews are trained not to just eat something because they want to. They don't just say something because they want. They don't just do something because they want to. By checking packages, they're showing it's not about them. They're following a moral code, and they're trained to see the needs of others."
Pesach we check packages. Sefirah, we work on seeing others.
(Paraphrased from Mishpacha Magazine's Calligraphy, original article by Yisroel Besser)
I don't usually read Mishpacha, as you may know if you've been with me for awhile. Yet, against my better judgment I read this Pesach's story supplement. Shoot me. I'll even make a plug here for Rikki Ehrlich's "The Exit Interview." IMHO it was quite the worthy read. Everyone should read it. But that's not what this post is about.
It's interesting how sometimes bein adam l'makom is clearer, easier than bein adam l'chaveiro. We work on both during Sefirah, but bein adam l'chaveiro is a special focus. We mourn the deaths of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died because they didn't treat each other with respect. Crazy, almost, if you think about it. How much do we focus on respect of others nowadays? How much do we judge and gossip? How much do we judge and stigmatize?
Also not the point of this post.
Or maybe it is. What freedom do you take from Pesach? Supposedly the chometz represents yetzer hara, which we are free from for the entirety of the Chag. The aveiros we do –– hergel, habit. I'm not sure who this idea is attributed to, but it's interesting for sure.
There is so much pressure in this stage of life. While dating for some is just a passageway from young adulthood to what comes beyond that (in the form of marriage, responsibility, and family), to others it is a stage in it of itself. It's Mitzrayim, it's narrow and constricting. No two people's experiences are the same. While some may have sagas of heartbreaks and "almosts," others may have stories of emptiness for months or years on end.
No judgements. No need to compare. Can we see others as is? Empathy, not pity. Freedom, not slavery.
Happy Counting.
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Single Lane Ahead
Being single during yuntif isn't the greatest feeling in the world. It drives home the fact that we're not meant to be like this.
Rephrase, Yiddishkeit is about family. (It goes without saying that if this is where I am right now in life, this is where G-d wants me to be. As long as I didn't mess things up through my own free will –– bigger topic outside the scope of this post.)
It feels so crowded, yet so empty. So overwhelming, so much noise, but so so lonely. So many cute nieces and nephews, too many siblings, siblings in-law, and just one person missing. The space doesn't really stretch to make room for everyone, all the different personalities. Even if we can mostly get along now that we've all grown up a bit. I too need someone to take up for me, have my back, sit next to and talk to when everyone else is involved with their own nuclear families.
I'm not the hired help. Just because I don't have a husband and kids to look after, I'm busy too. I should be on vacation too. In fact, while they're off galavanting on this Chol HaMoed trip or that, I'm going to work every day, working my normal hectic schedule. Yes, Baruch Hashem for that. Some normalcy in my life. A place I feel productive and normal, not like an outcast and a pitied anomaly.
Despite them not trying to rub it in my face, it happens inevitably. It's the nature of the beast.
Read some of the discussion here that further fleshes out this point.
Chag sameach.
Rephrase, Yiddishkeit is about family. (It goes without saying that if this is where I am right now in life, this is where G-d wants me to be. As long as I didn't mess things up through my own free will –– bigger topic outside the scope of this post.)
It feels so crowded, yet so empty. So overwhelming, so much noise, but so so lonely. So many cute nieces and nephews, too many siblings, siblings in-law, and just one person missing. The space doesn't really stretch to make room for everyone, all the different personalities. Even if we can mostly get along now that we've all grown up a bit. I too need someone to take up for me, have my back, sit next to and talk to when everyone else is involved with their own nuclear families.
I'm not the hired help. Just because I don't have a husband and kids to look after, I'm busy too. I should be on vacation too. In fact, while they're off galavanting on this Chol HaMoed trip or that, I'm going to work every day, working my normal hectic schedule. Yes, Baruch Hashem for that. Some normalcy in my life. A place I feel productive and normal, not like an outcast and a pitied anomaly.
Despite them not trying to rub it in my face, it happens inevitably. It's the nature of the beast.
Read some of the discussion here that further fleshes out this point.
Chag sameach.
Monday, April 2, 2018
Yearning for Freedom
Zman Chaeruseinu. Freedom.
Hallel, Nirtza. Praise, song.
What to sing for?
What freedom?
Salvation from Mitzrayim?
How, when life feels so bitter, so narrow?
Echad M'yodeia? We know numbers. Numbers of months, years we've been playing this game. Numbers of guys/girls that we've met, that have entered and left our respective lives. Numbers of heartbreaks. Numbers of days, months we've waited to hear from someone with a "yes," go on a date.
Sefirah. Counting. Counting down the days until this will all make sense, this will all be worth it.
Leil HaSeder, Leil Shemurim. A special night of protection. Hashem tells us that He's close. We need to let Him do what He does.
Shackled, but free. Stuck, but looking forward.
Pesach is a time of slavery and freedom. They coexist. Bitterness and hope mingle together.
Salty and sweet. Hardship and triumph. Heartbreak and hope. Slavery and miracles.
Aching lonely heart. Beating living heart.
Hallel, Nirtza. Praise, song.
What to sing for?
What freedom?
Salvation from Mitzrayim?
How, when life feels so bitter, so narrow?
Echad M'yodeia? We know numbers. Numbers of months, years we've been playing this game. Numbers of guys/girls that we've met, that have entered and left our respective lives. Numbers of heartbreaks. Numbers of days, months we've waited to hear from someone with a "yes," go on a date.
Sefirah. Counting. Counting down the days until this will all make sense, this will all be worth it.
Leil HaSeder, Leil Shemurim. A special night of protection. Hashem tells us that He's close. We need to let Him do what He does.
Shackled, but free. Stuck, but looking forward.
Pesach is a time of slavery and freedom. They coexist. Bitterness and hope mingle together.
Salty and sweet. Hardship and triumph. Heartbreak and hope. Slavery and miracles.
Aching lonely heart. Beating living heart.
Friday, March 30, 2018
Living With Emunah
R' Daniel Glatstein references the pasuk, "Veyadata ki Ani Hashem (YKVK)" ("And you will know that I am Hashem"). He points out that there are the same amount of words in the Haggadah as the amount times YKVK is written in the Torah. He explains that this is the whole purpose of the Haggadah, of Pesach, to know "Ki Ani Hashem." This is Emunah.
Emunah is the main inyan of the Seder –– asking questions that we don’t answers to, because it's about asking, wanting to know, seeking. We do many things at the Seder "so that the children should ask," and then, when they finally ask, there is no clear answer (ie. we don't really answer the Four Questions/Ma Nishtana)! It's really just about the asking.
The mitzvah of Pesach is "V'Hegadita l'vincha" ("Tell it to your children"), because children are natural seekers. Adults need to be reminded that they have to seek, they have to want. This is the purpose of doing all these things at the Seder 'so that the children should ask;' it's about questioning.
Emunah comes to people who want it. The more you make G-d part of your life, the more the bekush (seeking), the more Emunah you'll uncover within you. You have to really want.
A lot of us are stuck in the simple level of Emunah. We don't realize that Emunah is not something out there to figure out, it's something inside. We need to unleash it, we need to be a m’vakesh (seeker). Daven for it. Ask G-d to help you uncover it. It is about knowing that G-d exists in everything, not as a solution, but just that He’s here with us.
A lot of us are stuck in the simple level of Emunah. We don't realize that Emunah is not something out there to figure out, it's something inside. We need to unleash it, we need to be a m’vakesh (seeker). Daven for it. Ask G-d to help you uncover it. It is about knowing that G-d exists in everything, not as a solution, but just that He’s here with us.
In whatever challenge it's so easy to forget about Hashem. Sure, we daven to Him every day. We keep him in mind often. However, it's easy to forget, or perhaps to feel, that He orchestrates everything. Sure, there's hishtadlus we need to do, sometimes our free choice lands us in difficult situations, but at the end of the day if we can hold onto this idea that Hashem knows what is best for us, He feels our pain more than we do ourselves, living is a little bit easier.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Life Is Full of Goodbyes
Life is full of goodbyes.
So often we connect with people, we leave a part of ourselves with them, only to have to eventually say goodbye. This happens for some people more often than others. Some people connect more deeply or more easily. Life is about being able to leave that bit we give to the other person (or people) behind and keep moving forward.
I was having this conversation with a client a few days ago. She was talking about how it was hard to just let go of her relationships with her ex's family. She had great relationships with them and nothing against them. Whereas she didn't want to see or talk to her ex ever again, she missed his family whom she had been a part of for over ten years. We talked about how in life there are so many people you have to say goodbye to. Sometimes these people have left a piece of themselves with you, sometimes you with them, and sometimes it's both.
This happens in so many ways. Professionally, I face it all the time. I will often wonder how a client is doing long after they aren't a client any longer. They shared so much with me, I saw them through so much, and then they disappear as they go about their lives. It's how it's supposed to be. I'd imagine there are many professions like that. Teaching is similar, especially if it's one-on-one.
We can't always hold onto relationships we have. And we're not meant to. I'm sure I've written about this before, how relationships can be like bridges. They can help us get somewhere, but we don't necessarily need them once we've crossed them. People come into our lives for various reasons. I know I've met people that have enriched my life in so many ways even after they're no longer around.
I've written quite a bit on breakups, but this one post about love and loss comes to mind.
It's not the goodbyes that make us better perhaps, but to paraphrase a line from Romeo and Juliet, parting is always a sweet sorrow. It makes us look toward what is next up for us. Looking forward is always more helpful than looking back. (It is helpful to learn from mistakes, for sure, but that's always for a looking forward purpose.) Looking forward doesn't cheapen the experience we had, but it does let us file it away.
So often we connect with people, we leave a part of ourselves with them, only to have to eventually say goodbye. This happens for some people more often than others. Some people connect more deeply or more easily. Life is about being able to leave that bit we give to the other person (or people) behind and keep moving forward.
I was having this conversation with a client a few days ago. She was talking about how it was hard to just let go of her relationships with her ex's family. She had great relationships with them and nothing against them. Whereas she didn't want to see or talk to her ex ever again, she missed his family whom she had been a part of for over ten years. We talked about how in life there are so many people you have to say goodbye to. Sometimes these people have left a piece of themselves with you, sometimes you with them, and sometimes it's both.
This happens in so many ways. Professionally, I face it all the time. I will often wonder how a client is doing long after they aren't a client any longer. They shared so much with me, I saw them through so much, and then they disappear as they go about their lives. It's how it's supposed to be. I'd imagine there are many professions like that. Teaching is similar, especially if it's one-on-one.
We can't always hold onto relationships we have. And we're not meant to. I'm sure I've written about this before, how relationships can be like bridges. They can help us get somewhere, but we don't necessarily need them once we've crossed them. People come into our lives for various reasons. I know I've met people that have enriched my life in so many ways even after they're no longer around.
I've written quite a bit on breakups, but this one post about love and loss comes to mind.
It's not the goodbyes that make us better perhaps, but to paraphrase a line from Romeo and Juliet, parting is always a sweet sorrow. It makes us look toward what is next up for us. Looking forward is always more helpful than looking back. (It is helpful to learn from mistakes, for sure, but that's always for a looking forward purpose.) Looking forward doesn't cheapen the experience we had, but it does let us file it away.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Great Expectations
When I was younger I thought I would get married right away.
Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.
I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.
Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.
What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?
Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."
Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.
I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.
Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.
I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.
Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.
What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?
Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."
Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.
I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Disable Comments
"Maybe they can't help you get married, but they can lessen the pain you're experiencing while waiting."
Wise words indeed.
No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.
Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.
As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice."
Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!
#itsallpartofthenisayon
Wise words indeed.
No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.
Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.
As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice."
Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!
#itsallpartofthenisayon
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Staircase
a
trek up
a winding staircase
finding no end in sight
it truly seems to go on and on
forever and ever and ever and ever
taking a short, brief breather on a landing
to begin the hike again without very much respite
an elevator at the very next landing, merely but a mirage
dragging a big bag packed with essentials for the destination
if only I could get to that place at some point, hopefully very soon
perhaps the down escalator that I am scaling will suddenly switch to up
until then I heft my heavy bursting haversack over my shoulder and brace myself
I wonder where I will get the supplies to continue the journey without tapping out or giving up
but I continue because what choice do I have and where else do I go from here, stuck in the middle of nowhere
trek up
a winding staircase
finding no end in sight
it truly seems to go on and on
forever and ever and ever and ever
taking a short, brief breather on a landing
to begin the hike again without very much respite
an elevator at the very next landing, merely but a mirage
dragging a big bag packed with essentials for the destination
if only I could get to that place at some point, hopefully very soon
perhaps the down escalator that I am scaling will suddenly switch to up
until then I heft my heavy bursting haversack over my shoulder and brace myself
I wonder where I will get the supplies to continue the journey without tapping out or giving up
but I continue because what choice do I have and where else do I go from here, stuck in the middle of nowhere
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Yup, That's What Was Said
"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"
"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."
"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."
"Why don't you just get married?"
All spoken in real life.
I kid you not.
I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these.
What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?
I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though.
Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
The Art of The No
Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?
It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.
Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.
Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!
-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)
-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.
-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.
Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.
"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."
"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."
"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"
That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!
Monday, December 25, 2017
Runners, Take Your Mark
"You know the kid who is frantically tying his sneakers by the lockers while his friends have all finished the race? That's what I feel like."
This was an apt description by my friend of her experience in the "Waiting Room" as yet another one of her friends exited with groom in tow.
But a race implies that all runners start at the same point and race down the same trail. Real life is a lot more complex. The Master Trainer allows only one runner per lane and just one lane per runner.
Tie your sneakers and get going. The race is not limited to marriage; the hike starts long before. All of life is a climb, and the Master Planner gives each person his own trajectory to follow.
On my menorah the candles are dancing, flickering, sometimes sputtering, yet always shining their brightest. When today's candles burn out, I know tomorrow will bring additional light. Two candles will follow the one, and then there will be three. Five will follow four, and we will continue counting upwards every day.
We have a rule, "Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin," matters of holiness are always increased and never decreased. If I have lit one candle today, tomorrow I will strive for more.
I greatly admire my friends' investments, toil, and accomplishments in their homes' harmony and in bringing yet more Yiddishe children into the world. Believe me, I really do. I pray to be doing the same very soon. Yet, while my current checklist may not contain any of that, by no means am I the same person I was two, three, four, or more years ago. If I have grown in so many ways then I am confident that I have come far in the race!
Yes, for now I race on my own. Know though, I do not sit and wait for my situation to change so I can "catch up" with my friends. I do not stagnate along the way. Instead, I continue walking. Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin. With hope in my heart and a constant prayer on my lips, I keep hiking onwards towards the sunshine."
(Edited and Abbreviated, Original by Z. Goldheim published in December 20 Hamodia Inyan Magazine)
My sister was reading this article, and she handed me the magazine and urged me to read it. "You'll like it," she said. I stopped regularly reading frum magazines quite awhile ago, as I got annoyed how they often sensationalize issues to sell their publication. Every so often someone will hand me an article or story to read though.
I loved this idea. The race analogy isn't new, but the way its written about here, combined with the maalin bakodesh concept, hits the idea home. It's so true. There isn't just one way to be productive in this world. We don't just start our lives after we get married and raise a family.
What's in your training regimen today?
This was an apt description by my friend of her experience in the "Waiting Room" as yet another one of her friends exited with groom in tow.
But a race implies that all runners start at the same point and race down the same trail. Real life is a lot more complex. The Master Trainer allows only one runner per lane and just one lane per runner.
Tie your sneakers and get going. The race is not limited to marriage; the hike starts long before. All of life is a climb, and the Master Planner gives each person his own trajectory to follow.
On my menorah the candles are dancing, flickering, sometimes sputtering, yet always shining their brightest. When today's candles burn out, I know tomorrow will bring additional light. Two candles will follow the one, and then there will be three. Five will follow four, and we will continue counting upwards every day.
We have a rule, "Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin," matters of holiness are always increased and never decreased. If I have lit one candle today, tomorrow I will strive for more.
I greatly admire my friends' investments, toil, and accomplishments in their homes' harmony and in bringing yet more Yiddishe children into the world. Believe me, I really do. I pray to be doing the same very soon. Yet, while my current checklist may not contain any of that, by no means am I the same person I was two, three, four, or more years ago. If I have grown in so many ways then I am confident that I have come far in the race!
Yes, for now I race on my own. Know though, I do not sit and wait for my situation to change so I can "catch up" with my friends. I do not stagnate along the way. Instead, I continue walking. Maalin bakodesh v'ain moridin. With hope in my heart and a constant prayer on my lips, I keep hiking onwards towards the sunshine."
(Edited and Abbreviated, Original by Z. Goldheim published in December 20 Hamodia Inyan Magazine)
My sister was reading this article, and she handed me the magazine and urged me to read it. "You'll like it," she said. I stopped regularly reading frum magazines quite awhile ago, as I got annoyed how they often sensationalize issues to sell their publication. Every so often someone will hand me an article or story to read though.
I loved this idea. The race analogy isn't new, but the way its written about here, combined with the maalin bakodesh concept, hits the idea home. It's so true. There isn't just one way to be productive in this world. We don't just start our lives after we get married and raise a family.
What's in your training regimen today?
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Waiting For My Bus Revisited
Waiting for my bus.
Today we have Google Maps, Moovit, Autobus Karov, and a myriad of other apps that will tell you which bus to take to get where you want to go and when to expect its arrival. There's a sign too next to most bus stops with a screen constantly updating each bus's eta.
Does it really help?
I mean, maybe it makes you feel better. Maybe it lets you feel like you're doing some hishtadlus by making sure you get to the right stop when the bus is scheduled. But does it make your bus come quicker or give you any real advantage? Honestly, you can get really lost even with a navigation app running, especially if it's walking directions...
We have profile databases, whatsapp shidduch chats, singles events, etc. Do these things really help us in any significant way? I mean, we're still at the mercy of G-d and when He wants us to find the right one. Perhaps it's hishtadlus. Perhaps it makes us feel like we're doing something more to make our bus arrive more promptly.
Me, I do sometimes still wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. And, to quote myself, it is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind, no matter what the transit app or bus stop screen is telling me.
Today we have Google Maps, Moovit, Autobus Karov, and a myriad of other apps that will tell you which bus to take to get where you want to go and when to expect its arrival. There's a sign too next to most bus stops with a screen constantly updating each bus's eta.
Does it really help?
I mean, maybe it makes you feel better. Maybe it lets you feel like you're doing some hishtadlus by making sure you get to the right stop when the bus is scheduled. But does it make your bus come quicker or give you any real advantage? Honestly, you can get really lost even with a navigation app running, especially if it's walking directions...
We have profile databases, whatsapp shidduch chats, singles events, etc. Do these things really help us in any significant way? I mean, we're still at the mercy of G-d and when He wants us to find the right one. Perhaps it's hishtadlus. Perhaps it makes us feel like we're doing something more to make our bus arrive more promptly.
Me, I do sometimes still wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. And, to quote myself, it is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind, no matter what the transit app or bus stop screen is telling me.
Monday, December 18, 2017
Perspective
There's a flip side to every personality trait. What keeps life exciting and fun, what makes people want to spend time with you, can also be what kills you. For me, passion and truth seeking can often become drama apparently.
That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.
It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.
If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.
Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.
Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.
I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.
That part's not super important. It's more about the lesson here.
It's almost easier when you can't trace something back to someone. When it's not someone engaging in really hurtful behavior towards you, it's easier to realize it's from Hashem. It's a lot harder when there's a person behind the incident who is being super insensitive. It seems to hurt a lot more when there are people on the line for making a decision to engage in an action that hurts you. It hurts even more when they excuse their behavior or try to put it on someone else. It even sucks when they can admit they were wrong but won't do anything to rectify the situation because then they lose out. It hurts when they can't see beyond themselves.
If I work to put things in perspective I can see that I only need to realize my tafkid in this world is to be the best me. I need to find my way in the darkness regardless of whatever sucky situation I find myself in. I can be the bigger person and not make someone else suffer on principle just because they made me suffer or even ask them to do something that would make things annoying for them even if it would partially fix the situation.
Just like I can clearly see that I'm not married right now because G-d doesn't want me to be, this situation happened because G-d wanted it to be like this. It doesn't take the people behind it off the hook. No way. But G-d takes care of that. I don't have to exact judgement. I don't have to put myself in the position to get hurt by these individuals again either though.
Chanukah brings with it so many lessons. The smallest light can chase away so much darkness. You can be crushed like an olive, but it's only to bring out your best.
I know it would be so much easier to stay mad at these people and feel a lot better to make them "pay" for what happened, but honestly it's not worth it. I don't know why G-d put me in this situation. I don't know what G-d wants from me specifically. I do know that I can swallow my kavod, swallow my anger and pain and sense of injustice, and I can move on. I can let this be another learning experience about trust and self reliance. I can only work on me, and everyone else needs to work on themselves. Regardless of what I say or do, I can't fix them.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Forget to Forget You –– Guest Post
A couple weeks ago I was sitting in shul listening to Krias HaTorah, when all of sudden, out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head. That day marked one year since I met my ex. Completely out of nowhere I went from attentively listening to the leining, to my mind drifting off, remembering and reminiscing about the relationship that ended too soon.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Parshas Vayeishev
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
The Midrash in Bereishis Rabbi (84:17) tells us that the aveiros of the shevatim will be remembered for all eternity and they provide hope for the world.
The Zera Shimshon explains that despite it sounding like the aveiros being remembered for all eternity being a negative thing, it is really positive. He says that the fact that Yosef was sold into slavery, into galus, it accustomed the Shechinah to this concept of galus.
He quotes the Shach who says, "If not for Mechiras Yosef, if not for the fact that the Shechinah was already familiar with galus, the Shechinah would have poured out Her wrath on Bnei Yisroel themselves during the time of Churban Bayis Rishon and Sheini, and Bnei Yisroel would have been destroyed." Instead Hashem sent Bnei Yisroel into galus.
The Shechinah was accustomed to galus, because the Shechinah went into exile with Yosef HaTzadik when his brothers sold him. We learn this from the words of "v'Yosef hurad Mitzraymah." The gematria of "Mitzraymah" equals that of "Shechinah."
This set a precedent, and the sins of the shevatim were remembered and will be remembered for eternity. It provides hope, because in the same way that the Shechinah will return from galus, Klal Yisroel will as well.
We should merit the geulah speedily in our days.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeishev
The Midrash in Bereishis Rabbi (84:17) tells us that the aveiros of the shevatim will be remembered for all eternity and they provide hope for the world.
The Zera Shimshon explains that despite it sounding like the aveiros being remembered for all eternity being a negative thing, it is really positive. He says that the fact that Yosef was sold into slavery, into galus, it accustomed the Shechinah to this concept of galus.
He quotes the Shach who says, "If not for Mechiras Yosef, if not for the fact that the Shechinah was already familiar with galus, the Shechinah would have poured out Her wrath on Bnei Yisroel themselves during the time of Churban Bayis Rishon and Sheini, and Bnei Yisroel would have been destroyed." Instead Hashem sent Bnei Yisroel into galus.
The Shechinah was accustomed to galus, because the Shechinah went into exile with Yosef HaTzadik when his brothers sold him. We learn this from the words of "v'Yosef hurad Mitzraymah." The gematria of "Mitzraymah" equals that of "Shechinah."
This set a precedent, and the sins of the shevatim were remembered and will be remembered for eternity. It provides hope, because in the same way that the Shechinah will return from galus, Klal Yisroel will as well.
We should merit the geulah speedily in our days.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeishev
Monday, December 4, 2017
The Waiting Place
Airports are a perfect example of Dr. Suess's (Oh The Places You'll Go) "Waiting Place." So much tumult. So many people coming and going. So easy to watch them all, wondering, just wondering, where everyone is off to. Everyone's getting on planes and flying to destinations. They're all rushing through the airport with somewhere to go.
Why do I continue to sit here and search for my gate?
Sometimes there are great duty free stores along the way that hold my attention, make the waiting more manageable. Sometimes there are interesting people to talk to. Sometimes there are fellow travelers also waiting for their plane who can relate and commiserate.
It's easy to get caught up in the waiting. But does it have to be waiting? Maybe it's about enjoying the journey, and the time spent at the gate is part of it. Maybe every person, all my fellow travelers, I meet along the way teach me something in some way.
Maybe I don't have to think about it as waiting, but part of the experience. It's not just about getting to my destination, it's about every step along the way.
Why do I continue to sit here and search for my gate?
Sometimes there are great duty free stores along the way that hold my attention, make the waiting more manageable. Sometimes there are interesting people to talk to. Sometimes there are fellow travelers also waiting for their plane who can relate and commiserate.
It's easy to get caught up in the waiting. But does it have to be waiting? Maybe it's about enjoying the journey, and the time spent at the gate is part of it. Maybe every person, all my fellow travelers, I meet along the way teach me something in some way.
Maybe I don't have to think about it as waiting, but part of the experience. It's not just about getting to my destination, it's about every step along the way.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Parshas Vayishlach
(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)
In this week's parsha, we read the incident in which Yaakov Avinu wins the feud against Esav's malach. The pasuk tells us that Yaakov's name is changed to Yisroel because he bested both man and angel.
Rashi tells us that after Yaakov beat Esav's angel no one could say that he took Esav's brachos illicitly. It was clear from the fact that he won the fight that the brachos were rightly his. How is this so?
The Zera Shimshon calls upon a Gemara in Sanhedrin (93a) that says that a righteous man is greater than an angel. However, this is only accurate if the man is completely righteous. Yaakov could have never beat Esav's malach had he not been completely righteous in taking Esav's blessings.
As Rashi explains, the fact that Yaakov won the fight and his name was changed to Yisroel, this proves that he wholly deserved these brachos.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayishlach
In this week's parsha, we read the incident in which Yaakov Avinu wins the feud against Esav's malach. The pasuk tells us that Yaakov's name is changed to Yisroel because he bested both man and angel.
Rashi tells us that after Yaakov beat Esav's angel no one could say that he took Esav's brachos illicitly. It was clear from the fact that he won the fight that the brachos were rightly his. How is this so?
The Zera Shimshon calls upon a Gemara in Sanhedrin (93a) that says that a righteous man is greater than an angel. However, this is only accurate if the man is completely righteous. Yaakov could have never beat Esav's malach had he not been completely righteous in taking Esav's blessings.
As Rashi explains, the fact that Yaakov won the fight and his name was changed to Yisroel, this proves that he wholly deserved these brachos.
Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayishlach
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
How Awkward and Weird
Why is bumping into an ex with his spouse so awkward and weird? Just two people, right?
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
This weekend, I was with some friends in the city. Of all the restaurants in the entire New York, my friend's recent ex with his recent wife happened to come to the same eating establishment at the same exact time we were there. To make matters worse, my friend was clearly noticed, as at one point every single party at the ex's table turned around and stared at us.
Would you point out a recent ex to your new spouse? Who do you think felt the most uncomfortable? Would it have been as uncomfortable if he wasn't married or hadn't gotten married so quickly/recently? Would it have been less awkward if she gotten married since? Is it appropriate for either one of them to say hi to each other? Is it appropriate for either of them to just pretend they don't know each other? How would you navigate that? How would you want your ex to navigate that?
Is there any way to make that encounter not awkward and/or weird?
It's awkward and weird, because they're not just two people. They have a history, memories, a shared relationship, feelings. Perhaps one of them, or both, thought they had a real chance at a happily ever after. Even if not, judging on my own experiences, it's really hard to stop thinking about an ex. Hopefully you get over him/her to a large degree, but you still shared so many personal and intimate moments and things. Perhaps when you do get married it pales or disappears in comparison. I mean, when I've met people that I've liked or clicked with more than a particular ex, those feelings about the ex diminished greatly. We're still human though. We feel. We remember.
In a weak moment I was listening to some trigger songs recently. It's weird how music can generate tidal waves of emotions and memories. (Sometimes those moments can bring clarity, others make the relationship feel like just a dream.) Anything that sparks that flood will make you feel awkward and weird. When it's the ex himself/herself and he clearly doesn't know how to handle the situation either, despite him having clearly moved on, it makes it that much more uncomfortable.
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