Of the Flaws in Our Shidduch System: On Being Real

Does the shidduch system let us be real?

When you first meet your date, how much research have you done that you may know too much irrelevant information about him or her? Do you have a preconceived notion about him/her? How much work do you have to do to undo what you already know to actually get to know your date?

Can you genuinely work on making a connection with someone when there's so little leeway? How much can you really put yourself out there when s/he might just get back to the shadchan with a "no"? Where do we work on communication? I've known couples to not only break-up (after a long enough dating stint) through a shadchan, but to also get engaged through a third party as well! What are we creating here?

Is everything fair game, or will someone buck when s/he hears something a little too challenging or out of the box about you? We place so much value on getting "the perfect one" that we sometimes lose sight of how everyone is a package deal - strengths, weaknesses, pluses, minuses. It isn't so much how this person has something 'wrong', but is this characteristic right for me?

Does shidduch dating allow us to be genuine?

On Dating and Breaking Up

So many hopes and dreams. I really try not to get my hopes up, but this only lasts for so long. The 'I'm dating him because I want to cross his name off my list' lasts only so long. It's my nature. I connect with people. I want to know, really know, you. I start to care about you way too quickly.

I remember when you made a comment about being charming and I thought to myself that your charm doesn't hold a candle to the intense dysfunctional charm (that has ruined me) that I've experienced in the past. And yet, as time went on, I guess you did charm me.

We didn't date for so long, but our relationship got deep fast. Even though it was a lot shorter than other dating stints, I feel like in some ways I liked you the best.

And, so, it hurts. It hurts because I see so many positives in you. It hurts because I know we could never work out. It hurts because how many times do I have to do this? How many times will I connect with someone I would be much better off forgetting about??

I want to move on, meet the right one, put this all behind me. How long will it take? What else will I have to endure?

Hashem, I'm ready whenever You are. I've been ready for awhile. I thought it was hard before, but it keeps getting harder! I've had enough.

Waiting For My Bus

With provisions for the way, I rush to the bus stop certain my bus will arrive at any moment. When I get to the tachana I see people spilling out into the street, each waiting for different buses. I take a seat on the bench in the corner of the bus stop among the many people, and I wait for my bus to arrive.

Soon I see a bus approaching, and I anticipatorily get up and step into the street ready to board what I am sure is my bus. Rav Kav and money in hand, I glance at the kav number, and I realize that this is not my bus. Disappointed, I step back and sit back down, watching as other travelers hurriedly board the bus and the bus pulls away into the busy traffic.

More buses come and go, and each time I am certain that this will be my ride. Sometimes I think it is my bus and I stand up, walk toward it, maybe almost board, only to realize it is a 36, not a 39, or 56, not a 52. Alas, I am left alone with my now crumpled 50 shekel bill and sweaty 10 shekel coin. The other travelers have gotten on their buses, and I am alone at the bus stop waiting for my bus.

As I wait, I ponder the truths of waiting. Just because there are other buses coming and going does it mean that my bus is any nearer to arriving? Would it not be better for the 36 not to come only getting my hopes up to only later crash as I realize it is not my bus? As I sit waiting at the now relatively quiet tachana, I recognize that my bus can come at any time even if it is not preceded by any other buses.

Waiting, it’s a funny thing. There's the hopeful, excited anticipation of those before childbirth, new parents waiting to hear the cry of their tiny infant, to hold him in their arms. There's the waiting of the commuter, irate, as he waits for the delayed train that will bring him late to work. The slightly anxious, but mostly loving, waiting of a mother as she peers down the street after her child's first day of school, waiting to welcome him home to a hug and warm snack. The apprehensive waiting of a patient as he awaits the results of a crucial test that could mean life or death. The hopeful waiting, sometimes sad, sometimes mad, but mostly longing, of a girl waiting to meet her intended and start a new life together.

Is it the situation itself that shapes the flavor of the waiting? Perhaps it's the meaning that we give to the scenario. What is it about waiting that's so inherently frightening? Is it because with every circumstance we don't know exactly when or what will be? Perhaps it's the lack of control that is scary. Although we may recognize that there's a Master Planner in control, it's hard to give up our illusion of control. We want what we think is good for us, and it's hard to reconcile when we can't have it or don't know when or if we will.

Perhaps we can celebrate the waiting and elevate into something greater, an event of its own. And so, I put away my Rav Kav, put away my money, and I sit quietly with my open tehillim. I have done all I can to ready myself for the arrival of my bus, now I can only sit and wait for it to arrive. That, it seems, is not in my hands.

Here I stand at my proverbial bus stop. Life rushes me by, yet sometimes, somehow, slows to a virtual standstill. I feel like I have made all the necessary hishtadlus to find my bashert, and so I wait. I greet every arriving bus with the anticipation that this could be my ride. I try not to get disillusioned when none of the buses are mine. I strengthen my resolve when the bus stop gets quiet and my friends have all gone on their journeys, but I do sometimes wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. It is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind.

The Difference Between Hurting Someone and Wronging Someone in A Shidduch Situation

We all get hurt sometimes; it's part of life. We can try hard not to hurt people and not to put ourselves in the position to get hurt, but in the realm of shidduchim, it's extremely difficult, if not impossible. You have to invest if you want to give something a chance to work, and at the same time, you can't continue dating someone if it will never work just because you feel bad to break up with him or her.

Relationships don't always last, and as per the way that the shidduch world works, we're focusing on marriage. So, you can get along great with someone, but if it wouldn't work marriage-wise, we don't just continue going out. When you break up with someone, or someone breaks up with you, yeah, usually that hurts.

The hurt comes from the loss, whether it's the relationship itself, the person, that you lost, or it's what that relationship represented. For example, one of the hardest things for me after a break up (of a scenario in which we were dating for an extended period of time and/or we got fairly close) is the being single again, the absence of a close confidant, deep meaningful relationship. You can't protect someone (or yourself) from this hurt. It's a natural normal part of this process.

Wronging someone is a different ballgame. You can't help hurting someone sometimes, but you can avoid wronging him/her. There is a mentchlach way to date and break up with someone. Blindsiding, taking someone for a ride, insulting, acting in ways that you would never act in the world outside of dating, all fall within the category of "wronging."

Honest and accurate feedback throughout the process is super important. You may not know how you feel about someone, but then be upfront about it. You may need to take a break to evaluate your thoughts, etc, and that's okay. If you get to a point where you feel like things are not going to work, talk about it. Give the other party a chance to weigh in. Let him/her know that you're having doubts. Communicating with each other is paramount for any relationship, and it can help you work things out if that's the way the situation is going. If things are truly over, be kind about it. If you dated this person this long, there was surely a reason, and remember that respect you had for him/her as you walk away.

It's always a good idea to ask forgiveness when you end things with someone, because you may not be aware of how the other person is receiving what you're saying. Additionally, once things are over, many things that you did over the time you were together are now colored in a different light. There may be something you did that doesn't seem so innocuous anymore.

If you've wronged someone perhaps they're still holding onto it, and maybe it would be in your best interest to reach out and offer a sincere apology.

Flavors of Waiting

Waiting... It's a funny thing. There's the hopeful, excited anticipation of those before childbirth: new parents waiting to hear the cry of their infant. There's the waiting of the commuter, irate, as he waits for the delayed train that will bring him late to work. The slightly anxious, but mostly loving, waiting of a mother as she looks down the street after her child's first day of school, waiting to welcome him home to a hug and warm snack. The apprehensive waiting of patient as he awaits the results of a crucial test that could mean life or death. The hopeful waiting, sometimes sad, sometimes mad, but mostly longingly, of a girl waiting to meet her intended and start a new life together.

Is it the incident itself that shapes the flavor of the waiting? Perhaps it's the meaning that we give to the scenario. What is it about waiting that's so inherently frightening? Is it because with every circumstance we don't know exactly when or what will be? It's the lack of control that's scary. Although we recognize that there's a Master Planner in control, it's hard to give up our illusion of control. We want what we think is good for us, and it's hard to reconcile when we can't have it or don't know when we will.

Perhaps we can celebrate the waiting and elevate into something greater, an event of its own.

On Pain and Loneliness

I feel this ache deep inside me. There is no cure, not when I cannot control the remedy. The insensitive comments that seem innocuous, even hopeful. Do you really not understand that I cannot be happy if I'm feeling incomplete. And yes, until I find that piece of me, the one that understands me, supports me, wants me, cares about me like I care about him, enjoys just talking and trading banter...no I cannot feel complete. This is how we were created. So then why, why, am I left on my own here? Where art thou?

Cause You Had A Bad Day

Waking up after a restless night taunted by meaningless cruel dreams to a dreary humid morning. Putting on a game face and greeting the day with a grim smile. Fighting a losing battle with crawling traffic and arriving late to work. Work hurtling at me as if I'm in a video game where my goal is to duck the incoming obstacles. Except, these obstacles cannot be ducked. They enter my office, my desk; they are my clients, my paperwork, all for me to fend off by dealing with them respectively. Fighting for air, finally surfacing hours later. Needing to catch up on things of more urgency. No time for lunch. Things more overwhelming on an empty stomach and exhausted mind. A jumble of thoughts parading through my head. A levee of emotions threatening to break any moment.

Time to regroup.

It takes the bad days to appreciate the good ones. We cannot have comfort if we feel no pain; no love, no desire, without the shadow side.