The Toxic Attraction Between an Empath and a Narcisisst

This is not my article, read the original by Alex Myles here.

From my own experience and studies on narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.

Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.

Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.

What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.

This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.

The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.

The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.

When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.

As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.

An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.

Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.

An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.

However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.

Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.

However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.

In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.

We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.

The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never too late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.

An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.

A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realise they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked, so they will seek out their next victim.

The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.

How To Explain The Challenge of Singlehood

What's normal and natural to some can be excruciating and horrific for others. For those who dated for a short amount of time or had little drama within the shidduch realm of their lives, it's hard to imagine how painful it can be to those who weren't so lucky. Aside from living in a space where they feel stuck, in limbo, unsettled, and unable to move forward, often singles feel like they don't have a place in frum society. As a community we value family structure, and for a good reason the norm is the nuclear family. It's a Torah value.

It is a primary developmental need to connect intimately with a partner, as per meeting developmental psychologist Erik Erikson's "intimacy vs isolation," stage or getting stuck and being unable to move forward in life. The Torah tells us "Lo tov heyos adam levado." It's hard for anyone to be alone, and this challenge applies to single boys as well, but Jewish women especially were created with a strong desire and need to connect and nurture. Unable to share this connection with a spouse and their own families, it's an everyday struggle. It's lonely no matter how many things they're involved with and how many close friends and family members they have. There is something one can only get from a close intimate relationship.

Taking all this into account in addition to how painful it can be to meet and date promising prospectives and the aftermath of it not working out (sometimes over and over and over again), investing immense emotional energy and being left with nothing if it doesn't pan out, let alone the physical expenses, be them time, money and/or travel. Added together with the hurtful comments from people who mean well but don't understand, the people who don't think at all, the unwanted pity, you name it, (older) singles experience quite a bit of pain throughout the parsha.

Perhaps a single is healthy B"H, has so much going for her/him, etc., and the only thing is she’s not married, but it's real pain. It is well known that the part of the brain that's associated with physical pain, the anterior cingulate, is the same part of the brain that is connected with emotional pain. This pain is just as hard. Some of the pain is the loneliness, the feeling of not fitting in, the perceived judgements, the burning desire to give/nurture/connect, the countless disappointments. But there is also the fear, the not knowing when or if I will ever meet the right one and get married, ever fit in, ever be able to move forward in my life.

As a society we look at anyone that doesn't fit the norm as deviant. We try to figure out why or how they don't fit the mold. Perhaps it's a survival tactic, we want to fit in, so we have to make judgements about people who are not like the majority in whatever way. We often unwittingly stigmatize and judge, sometimes with devastating consequences. Singles don't want your pity. They aren't nebachs. They just want support and care. Treat her like a person, being single isn't her only piece of identity.

Of the Flaws in Our Shidduch System: On Being Real

Does the shidduch system let us be real?

When you first meet your date, how much research have you done that you may know too much irrelevant information about him or her? Do you have a preconceived notion about him/her? How much work do you have to do to undo what you already know to actually get to know your date?

Can you genuinely work on making a connection with someone when there's so little leeway? How much can you really put yourself out there when s/he might just get back to the shadchan with a "no"? Where do we work on communication? I've known couples to not only break-up (after a long enough dating stint) through a shadchan, but to also get engaged through a third party as well! What are we creating here?

Is everything fair game, or will someone buck when s/he hears something a little too challenging or out of the box about you? We place so much value on getting "the perfect one" that we sometimes lose sight of how everyone is a package deal - strengths, weaknesses, pluses, minuses. It isn't so much how this person has something 'wrong', but is this characteristic right for me?

Does shidduch dating allow us to be genuine?

On Dating and Breaking Up

So many hopes and dreams. I really try not to get my hopes up, but this only lasts for so long. The 'I'm dating him because I want to cross his name off my list' lasts only so long. It's my nature. I connect with people. I want to know, really know, you. I start to care about you way too quickly.

I remember when you made a comment about being charming and I thought to myself that your charm doesn't hold a candle to the intense dysfunctional charm (that has ruined me) that I've experienced in the past. And yet, as time went on, I guess you did charm me.

We didn't date for so long, but our relationship got deep fast. Even though it was a lot shorter than other dating stints, I feel like in some ways I liked you the best.

And, so, it hurts. It hurts because I see so many positives in you. It hurts because I know we could never work out. It hurts because how many times do I have to do this? How many times will I connect with someone I would be much better off forgetting about??

I want to move on, meet the right one, put this all behind me. How long will it take? What else will I have to endure?

Hashem, I'm ready whenever You are. I've been ready for awhile. I thought it was hard before, but it keeps getting harder! I've had enough.

Waiting For My Bus

With provisions for the way, I rush to the bus stop certain my bus will arrive at any moment. When I get to the tachana I see people spilling out into the street, each waiting for different buses. I take a seat on the bench in the corner of the bus stop among the many people, and I wait for my bus to arrive.

Soon I see a bus approaching, and I anticipatorily get up and step into the street ready to board what I am sure is my bus. Rav Kav and money in hand, I glance at the kav number, and I realize that this is not my bus. Disappointed, I step back and sit back down, watching as other travelers hurriedly board the bus and the bus pulls away into the busy traffic.

More buses come and go, and each time I am certain that this will be my ride. Sometimes I think it is my bus and I stand up, walk toward it, maybe almost board, only to realize it is a 36, not a 39, or 56, not a 52. Alas, I am left alone with my now crumpled 50 shekel bill and sweaty 10 shekel coin. The other travelers have gotten on their buses, and I am alone at the bus stop waiting for my bus.

As I wait, I ponder the truths of waiting. Just because there are other buses coming and going does it mean that my bus is any nearer to arriving? Would it not be better for the 36 not to come only getting my hopes up to only later crash as I realize it is not my bus? As I sit waiting at the now relatively quiet tachana, I recognize that my bus can come at any time even if it is not preceded by any other buses.

Waiting, it’s a funny thing. There's the hopeful, excited anticipation of those before childbirth, new parents waiting to hear the cry of their tiny infant, to hold him in their arms. There's the waiting of the commuter, irate, as he waits for the delayed train that will bring him late to work. The slightly anxious, but mostly loving, waiting of a mother as she peers down the street after her child's first day of school, waiting to welcome him home to a hug and warm snack. The apprehensive waiting of a patient as he awaits the results of a crucial test that could mean life or death. The hopeful waiting, sometimes sad, sometimes mad, but mostly longing, of a girl waiting to meet her intended and start a new life together.

Is it the situation itself that shapes the flavor of the waiting? Perhaps it's the meaning that we give to the scenario. What is it about waiting that's so inherently frightening? Is it because with every circumstance we don't know exactly when or what will be? Perhaps it's the lack of control that is scary. Although we may recognize that there's a Master Planner in control, it's hard to give up our illusion of control. We want what we think is good for us, and it's hard to reconcile when we can't have it or don't know when or if we will.

Perhaps we can celebrate the waiting and elevate into something greater, an event of its own. And so, I put away my Rav Kav, put away my money, and I sit quietly with my open tehillim. I have done all I can to ready myself for the arrival of my bus, now I can only sit and wait for it to arrive. That, it seems, is not in my hands.

Here I stand at my proverbial bus stop. Life rushes me by, yet sometimes, somehow, slows to a virtual standstill. I feel like I have made all the necessary hishtadlus to find my bashert, and so I wait. I greet every arriving bus with the anticipation that this could be my ride. I try not to get disillusioned when none of the buses are mine. I strengthen my resolve when the bus stop gets quiet and my friends have all gone on their journeys, but I do sometimes wonder where my bus is and what is taking so long. It is at these times that I remind myself that “no bus” or “wrong bus” does not mean my bus is not far behind.

The Difference Between Hurting Someone and Wronging Someone in A Shidduch Situation

We all get hurt sometimes; it's part of life. We can try hard not to hurt people and not to put ourselves in the position to get hurt, but in the realm of shidduchim, it's extremely difficult, if not impossible. You have to invest if you want to give something a chance to work, and at the same time, you can't continue dating someone if it will never work just because you feel bad to break up with him or her.

Relationships don't always last, and as per the way that the shidduch world works, we're focusing on marriage. So, you can get along great with someone, but if it wouldn't work marriage-wise, we don't just continue going out. When you break up with someone, or someone breaks up with you, yeah, usually that hurts.

The hurt comes from the loss, whether it's the relationship itself, the person, that you lost, or it's what that relationship represented. For example, one of the hardest things for me after a break up (of a scenario in which we were dating for an extended period of time and/or we got fairly close) is the being single again, the absence of a close confidant, deep meaningful relationship. You can't protect someone (or yourself) from this hurt. It's a natural normal part of this process.

Wronging someone is a different ballgame. You can't help hurting someone sometimes, but you can avoid wronging him/her. There is a mentchlach way to date and break up with someone. Blindsiding, taking someone for a ride, insulting, acting in ways that you would never act in the world outside of dating, all fall within the category of "wronging."

Honest and accurate feedback throughout the process is super important. You may not know how you feel about someone, but then be upfront about it. You may need to take a break to evaluate your thoughts, etc, and that's okay. If you get to a point where you feel like things are not going to work, talk about it. Give the other party a chance to weigh in. Let him/her know that you're having doubts. Communicating with each other is paramount for any relationship, and it can help you work things out if that's the way the situation is going. If things are truly over, be kind about it. If you dated this person this long, there was surely a reason, and remember that respect you had for him/her as you walk away.

It's always a good idea to ask forgiveness when you end things with someone, because you may not be aware of how the other person is receiving what you're saying. Additionally, once things are over, many things that you did over the time you were together are now colored in a different light. There may be something you did that doesn't seem so innocuous anymore.

If you've wronged someone perhaps they're still holding onto it, and maybe it would be in your best interest to reach out and offer a sincere apology.

Flavors of Waiting

Waiting... It's a funny thing. There's the hopeful, excited anticipation of those before childbirth: new parents waiting to hear the cry of their infant. There's the waiting of the commuter, irate, as he waits for the delayed train that will bring him late to work. The slightly anxious, but mostly loving, waiting of a mother as she looks down the street after her child's first day of school, waiting to welcome him home to a hug and warm snack. The apprehensive waiting of patient as he awaits the results of a crucial test that could mean life or death. The hopeful waiting, sometimes sad, sometimes mad, but mostly longingly, of a girl waiting to meet her intended and start a new life together.

Is it the incident itself that shapes the flavor of the waiting? Perhaps it's the meaning that we give to the scenario. What is it about waiting that's so inherently frightening? Is it because with every circumstance we don't know exactly when or what will be? It's the lack of control that's scary. Although we recognize that there's a Master Planner in control, it's hard to give up our illusion of control. We want what we think is good for us, and it's hard to reconcile when we can't have it or don't know when we will.

Perhaps we can celebrate the waiting and elevate into something greater, an event of its own.