The Morning After

There's always aftermath following a first date. If it's a really good date, often you may not know what the other person was thinking and you can work yourself up trying to think about what he's going to tell the shadchan about whether he'd like to see you again, or if it's more causal, whether he's going to get in touch. If it was pareve, ie. you really don't care either way, I guess that's the best scenario. Whatever happens doesn't really mean that much. Even so, every date is effort.

The worst is when it's a really bad date. Bad dates make me feel worse than never having gone out at all. I think it makes me question why whoever set us up did. What is wrong with me? Will I ever find the right one? Are there any normal guys out there? How long will I have to keep doing this? Will I ever get married, or am I destined to just continue dating for the rest of my life?

I have a friend who likes to label her bad dates as fodder for our next Purim shpiel. We all have to manage to get through it somehow. It's just hard to shake sometimes, and it isn't limited to a morning after hangover. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. It's easy to carry around.

A guy I once dated told me that for him rejections (after a few dates with someone he saw potential with) were like a 24 hour bug. He'd feel down for about a day, but then ultimately get over it. I think I can relate to that (more on rejection another time perhaps), but in saying that, maybe bad dates trump someone's (1-4 date) rejection. It's like the situation, shidduchim, or life is rejecting you.

A Letter To My 19 Year Old Self

Hi there!

You are about to embark on an exciting new journey. I know you're hoping (thinking) that this excursion will be short lived and you will find the right one easily and soon. The truth is, life itself is a journey, and everything you're about to experience is just the beginning. You're closing the door on an era of innocence and naïveté, and you're entering into unknown waters. You will learn a lot, but the price it comes along with is lots of pain, heartbreak, confusion, and fear. You will have to push limits, drawing on strengths you never knew you had.

I tell you this not to scare you, but to prepare you. You will need to hang onto your hat, and dig deep for that brave face, perseverance, and continue working on that emunah. I know you think you're in a great place with that after an amazing year and new perspectives you gained in seminary, but it will be challenged, a lot, over and over again. It's preparation for the rest of your life. Nothing is a guarantee, and you will learn quickly that Hashem is really in charge. You have to continue to believe that He has a plan for you, and He knows what He's doing. Don't try to drive the bus.

I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of living your life waiting for something to happen. Please don't do that. Even after awhile when you have something you feel like is the next step, something you're living for, when you feel like life is on pause, so much else will seem lifeless. When that happens go out and find things that make you happy now. Take up new hobbies, get involved in community projects, tap into your strengths to make the world around you a better place. Do what you have control over. Draw on your resources. Resilient people get through challenges by believing that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. They draw on social support and reach out to others.

Don't wait around because you don't know when you will have to go on a date or when you will get married and perhaps move away. I know how much you hate cancelling, backing out, and not being able to follow through on things you say. It definitely will be hard to plan and fill up your schedule when you're not sure if you will need to cancel something or back out at the last moment, but do it anyway. Take the job you're not sure will work because you don't really still want to be around here next semester. Make plans for vacations and weekends. You need to live your life now and you will figure things out if you need to change them.

You will meet a lot of cool people, and enjoy that. Have fun seeing new places and doing new things. Learn something from everyone, even if it's a horrible date. Each date is one closer to the right one, and you can find some small merit in each person alone as well. You may not get along with someone, but every person has new perspectives and things to share; listen to them and add what they have to offer to your repertoire of knowledge and random facts.

Be cautious though. Some people may not have your best interests in mind, whatever they tell you. They may think they do, have convinced themselves they do, but ultimately, they don't care if they crush you. You will struggle to find the balance of protecting your heart and giving it over to another so you can try to make sense of a relationship with him. There is no right way to do it; just be true to yourself.

You will get your heart broken, a few times actually. Don't be hard on yourself about that pain. It's natural and normal, and it will ultimately make you stronger. You can't fight it. Love freely; you have to make your own mistakes and follow down those relationships. Even after you get hurt, don't be scared to put yourself out there and take chances, it's the only way you can truly connect and create a deep meaningful relationship with someone.

Stop caring what everyone else thinks or says. This is your life, and you decide how to live it. Don't buy into "nebach she's still single" stereotypes and stigmas. People can think and assume whatever they want, but just as you won't know why you're not married yet, neither do they. It doesn't matter what they think. You're awesome, and you have the same capabilities as anyone who is married. People unknowingly blind themselves with stupid stigmas and assumptions. Don't fall into that same close-minded trap. Challenge yourself every day; take stock of your beliefs and expectations.

Keep fighting and be yourself. Don't give up on things that are important to you. Believe that you deserve the best, and you will get it. Remember that it's okay to be angry, but realize that "anger is sad's bodyguard." The only way through sadness is actually through. Sadness is uncomfortable, but it's okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. Don't try to escape it. You will learn a lot about yourself throughout this process, and it will ultimately make you into a better person. Don't give that up just because it's hard. You don't have a choice how long the journey will be, so sit back and try to make the best of the ride.

Happy traveling!

What I've Learned About Being an Empath

I think I am an Empath; I portray many characteristics of being an Empath. I feel others pain, and it takes conscious effort for me to not absorb or try to fix it. In relationships I often to try to put other people first, as others' happiness is important to me as my own. My relationships can get intense fast, because I read other people's energy and emotion, and I desire to connect on a deep level. I connect with people who are suffering, and I want to heal and help them. I have an inquisitive mind, always looking for answers, analyzing and theorizing. I want to understand things, and I follow down explanations and answers. I'm creative and passionate; I love designing, crafting, art, nature, music, acting. I like uncluttered space, as disarray clutters my psyche. I hate when people are put down or bullied, even inadvertently. I'm very sensory, and certain repetitive sounds, smells, and even textures bother me. I like to think of my self as a life-seeker, an adventurer, always up for the next challenge. Being an empath is a blessing and a curse.

I need to constantly remind myself that I cannot fix people. People can only fix themselves. I need to remember that validation doesn't come from others' entrusting me with their feelings/pain. I do not need to "take care" of anyone. I need to live authentically and cannot live beneath anyone's manipulation/charm. My heart is open, maybe too open, so please if I entrust you with it, please don't take advantage of me.

Read about the Toxic Attraction Between Empaths and Narcissists 

My Life As The Bachelorette

I feel like my life is a never ending season of a dating show. Every so often a new guy gets introduced and gets his chance to try to win my heart. We go on dates, some good ones, some bad ones. I give out my roses, choosing who to keep and who to send home. Some hearts get broken, including my own, and we go on playing the game week after week, year after year.

Of course there's drama, as in every good dating show there is. Sometimes it's the superbly fake canned lines daters use to try to woo me, sometimes it's the lack of game and the ones that go straight for the stab without stopping to find out how I feel first. It's the yawningly boring dates that stretch out late into the night as I try to find some common ground as we debate why Trump could never run the country or why it's so important to like what you do professionally. Sometimes it's the ones I've sent home or who have rejected me that come back for another shot. There's always a story, and I'm stuck in the middle of it.

Will there ever be the happily ever after? Who will receive the final rose?

Just Someone I Used to Know

We broke up amicably enough. We liked each other, we clicked, we had a lot in common, but for whatever reasons things just couldn't work between us. We were close, we leaned on each other emotionally. I let you in, and you knew me, really knew me; I felt like I knew you too. We were happy together. Things felt good when were together. We so enjoyed each other's company; I felt safe with you.

You said we could still be friends. Of course we couldn't; there isn't room for intergender non-platonic relationships within our worlds.

And now when I see you, you treat me like it never happened, like we were nothing. You treat me like a stranger. We were close, at least I thought we were, and now I don't know you.

Did you have to cheapen what we had? We don't have to talk, but you didn't have to put up a wall. You don't have to pretend like we didn't share the experiences and conversations that we did.

There is a level in which you have a close friend that you don't talk to frequently. I get why that would be hard. Couldn't we just have pretended that we were walking that line?

Now I'm thinking that maybe I misunderstood you all along. Maybe we never really wanted the same thing out of a relationship. Did I ever really know you? Were you ever going to truly let me in? Why do you hold your cards so close to your vest?

It hurts.

The Toxic Attraction Between an Empath and a Narcisisst

This is not my article, read the original by Alex Myles here.

From my own experience and studies on narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.

Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.

Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.

What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.

This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.

The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.

The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.

When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.

As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.

An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.

Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.

An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.

However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.

Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.

However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.

In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.

We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.

The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never too late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.

An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.

A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realise they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked, so they will seek out their next victim.

The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.

How To Explain The Challenge of Singlehood

What's normal and natural to some can be excruciating and horrific for others. For those who dated for a short amount of time or had little drama within the shidduch realm of their lives, it's hard to imagine how painful it can be to those who weren't so lucky. Aside from living in a space where they feel stuck, in limbo, unsettled, and unable to move forward, often singles feel like they don't have a place in frum society. As a community we value family structure, and for a good reason the norm is the nuclear family. It's a Torah value.

It is a primary developmental need to connect intimately with a partner, as per meeting developmental psychologist Erik Erikson's "intimacy vs isolation," stage or getting stuck and being unable to move forward in life. The Torah tells us "Lo tov heyos adam levado." It's hard for anyone to be alone, and this challenge applies to single boys as well, but Jewish women especially were created with a strong desire and need to connect and nurture. Unable to share this connection with a spouse and their own families, it's an everyday struggle. It's lonely no matter how many things they're involved with and how many close friends and family members they have. There is something one can only get from a close intimate relationship.

Taking all this into account in addition to how painful it can be to meet and date promising prospectives and the aftermath of it not working out (sometimes over and over and over again), investing immense emotional energy and being left with nothing if it doesn't pan out, let alone the physical expenses, be them time, money and/or travel. Added together with the hurtful comments from people who mean well but don't understand, the people who don't think at all, the unwanted pity, you name it, (older) singles experience quite a bit of pain throughout the parsha.

Perhaps a single is healthy B"H, has so much going for her/him, etc., and the only thing is she’s not married, but it's real pain. It is well known that the part of the brain that's associated with physical pain, the anterior cingulate, is the same part of the brain that is connected with emotional pain. This pain is just as hard. Some of the pain is the loneliness, the feeling of not fitting in, the perceived judgements, the burning desire to give/nurture/connect, the countless disappointments. But there is also the fear, the not knowing when or if I will ever meet the right one and get married, ever fit in, ever be able to move forward in my life.

As a society we look at anyone that doesn't fit the norm as deviant. We try to figure out why or how they don't fit the mold. Perhaps it's a survival tactic, we want to fit in, so we have to make judgements about people who are not like the majority in whatever way. We often unwittingly stigmatize and judge, sometimes with devastating consequences. Singles don't want your pity. They aren't nebachs. They just want support and care. Treat her like a person, being single isn't her only piece of identity.