Dignity for Singles

Someone sent me the link to Chananya Weissman's post on The Times of Israel titled "Dignity for Singles."  I'll let you read it yourself instead of rewriting it.

I think he pointed out many important ideas, and I related to a lot of them. Perhaps his article is similar to the article we wrote, which has yet to be published, outlining various perspectives from singles regarding the so called "shidduch crisis" and how people can help instead of hurt. However, I think that something that was missing from Weissman's post was the positive side to all this. I really feel like it would behoove us to remember that despite the frequent unkindness and insensitivity that we are subjected to as singles, there is so much chesed that goes on trying to help all those that are searching for their soulmates.

It never helps to stereotype and stigmatize on either end.

And Again

Dangling there

But you can't have it 

It's not for you

Why did you think it was

Take me high

Just to bring me down

Make me question

This

Is it still worth it

Do I have a choice

Did I ever

Just keep at it

Now what 

I'm all tapped out

Followed my heart 

Down a rabbit hole

Rode the ups

Now paying the price

Wondering if there is some way

Out

Life feels so cruel sometimes

It's not fair

It's not easy

It's not meant to be

Where to find the strength

To get through this

Where to find the power

To make this into a lesson

It's Just A Rock

It's just a rock
Procured from deep inside a time warp
One I got lost in
Can anyone else really understand 

I've kept the rock with me

It's grounding
A reminder of sorts
I'm not sure I want to remember
I don't know how to forget
To turn off the movie
Lower the sound
Get a grip on time
Make sense of everything
Go back to how things were
Does that me even exist anymore
It's the starting over that's the hardest
Something right now I can't even imagine doing
If only life came with a "fast forward" button
Help this healing progress faster
How can so short a experience change me so much
Moving forward
However slow my pace
Learning to live again
Letting go
It's just a rock

Better to Have Loved and Lost?

I handed you my heart
You let me in
I walked away
No way you could win

Better to have loved and lost?
I'd prefer to have loved and won
Something perhaps to consider
Now that it's all said and done

I went all in
Now I'm done and out
At some points I'm clear
Other moments plagued with doubt

So hard to lose you
Harder to lose myself in us
Don't want to feel like I'm settling
You deserve someone who loves all of you, plus

Don't want to be like
Into you I'm pouring my all
And you accept it
But the difference it makes is small

I don't want to play with your feelings
Just because I'm unsure of my own
I needed to let you go
Get out of the zone

You're left holding a part of me
I would like to believe
Similarly, I can't figure out how
This piece of your heart I have you can retrieve

So take good care of it
No matter what happens next
You're forever a part of my story
And not just another ex

One Heartbreak Closer To Happily Ever After

Immediate connection
Shared wit and banter
Leading towards
Happily ever after
...or devastation and disaster?

Deal-breakers
Heartbreaker
Why do I feel like
Such a faker

Expectations
Aspirations
Communication
Frustrations

So short
But so long
Now hearing, on repeat,
The haunting melody of our song

So close
Yet so far
How did we get to
Where it is that we are

When all you can give
Isn't enough
All disappearing
With just a puff

Letting go is so hard
But holding on is too
Especially when you know
Something is not right for you

So much to say
No words to describe
At loss to communicate
What I'm feeling inside

Our music crescendos
As I walk away
Making me wonder if instead of folding
I should have played

And Here We Go...

So, this is what happens when I meet someone I start thinking I'm beginning to like...

My mind goes on overdrive trying to analyze why it will work and why it won't. I start to think about what will happen when we break up, wonder how much it will hurt. Will we date long enough that it's going to sting like the last one? How long will we date for? What will it feel like? What will be the things that will do us in?

Oh, to be young and untraumatized. I remember a time when the only concern was, "Do I want to spend more time with this guy?" Now it's become about, "How much potential do I see; is it enough to be worth the potential devastation of letting another one in and then letting him go?"

It's not a way to date, I know.

And so, I call upon Brene Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful lives, vulnerability is the path.”

Despite what my inner cautionary voice and all the "helpful" people in my life are saying, vulnerability is all I know how to do anyway. I relish in creating deep meaningful relationships, connecting with people and getting to know them. 

Is It Easier To Be A "Good Girl" Than A "Good Guy"?

She wants a guy who davens with a minyan three times a day and is learning; she doesn't daven at all. She wants a guy who won't listen to secular music or watch movies, but she does, all the time. She says "it's different." Is it?

Is this a double standard? Does this make sense? Is there more expected of guys? Does it mean something different when a guy watches movies, listens to secular music, etc. than when a girl does? Is her neshama less corruptible? Her mind is impressionable too; her spirituality is affected as well. Guys' minds are different, for sure. Yes, it means something different for him to skip davening than for her too. I just wonder if she's deluding herself that this makes sense.

Long ago and far away my seminary teacher talked about how girls think they want one thing in a husband, but then when it comes down to it they don't really. She was warning against marrying a guy who wants to learn for a long time if that's not something that a girl could realistically support. She shared stories of girls who "forced" their husbands out of kollel, because they needed someone to bankroll their spending habits.

This works in the sense of presenting oneself one way but really being another. Will she be the one that introduces her husband to TV shows or pop concerts or whatever? Will she ask him to leave kollel to go to work, because she wants to live an expensive lifestyle?

The other side of this is what does it really take to be a "good girl"? Maybe she's tzanua (in act and dress), does chessed...what other expectations are there of her? Most people wouldn't ask of a girl to daven every day by sof zman tefillah, for example. He's expected, though, to be at minyan rain or shine and learn every day, ask his rebbi all his sheilos, and maintain gainful employment. What does she need to be to deserve this?