Cause You Had A Bad Day

Waking up after a restless night taunted by meaningless cruel dreams to a dreary humid morning. Putting on a game face and greeting the day with a grim smile. Fighting a losing battle with crawling traffic and arriving late to work. Work hurtling at me as if I'm in a video game where my goal is to duck the incoming obstacles. Except, these obstacles cannot be ducked. They enter my office, my desk; they are my clients, my paperwork, all for me to fend off by dealing with them respectively. Fighting for air, finally surfacing hours later. Needing to catch up on things of more urgency. No time for lunch. Things more overwhelming on an empty stomach and exhausted mind. A jumble of thoughts parading through my head. A levee of emotions threatening to break any moment.

Time to regroup.

It takes the bad days to appreciate the good ones. We cannot have comfort if we feel no pain; no love, no desire, without the shadow side.

Reflections

The sun is shining and the birds are chirping. There’s still a chill in the air, but the warmer temperatures and bright atmosphere bring renewed hope. Spring is on its way. The sun will shine again.

Nothing is permanent: not happiness, not pain. This status quo will change too. You just have to live in the moment and find a way to make the most of every minute and experience you have.

The trees sway to the light breeze outside my window; the traffic sounds fade into the background. The world continues around me as I contemplate my place in it. I may not know G-d’s plan for me, but I can do the most that I can with what I have right now.

The pain and disappointments in my life serve as a springboard for me to keep pushing forward. I accept them with slight animosity, but what can I do? I’m human; humans prefer comfort.

My thoughts scatter on the page like paint thrown at a canvas. So much to ponder as I sit here contemplating what’s up next for me in my life.

I want to make a difference in the world. Mostly I wish to “unpause" this hopeless loop of Life. I desire to know what I can do differently to find The One who will make me complete so I can finally stop letting it distract me and stop obsessing over it. I want to continue with my life goals without having the distraction of this bottomless hole I need to fill…

Tomorrow is another day, another day of hope and of dreams. I hope that someday soon my tomorrow will be an answer for today.

Hurting

Pain
Relentless
Dull aching throb
Seemingly incurable

To be a nurturer
With no one to nurture
No one of significance to care

Stabbed repeatedly
By a wicked angry dagger
All life force seeps out of me
Feeling so worthless and scorned

But a shell of fragile ego
So very vulnerable and ignored
Here I am begging for a reprieve

Monopoly on Pain

He looked me in the face, feeling all proud of himself and said, “I feel like I have a monopoly on pain. Unless you went through what I went through you have no idea what real pain is.”

I just looked at him, meeting his intense gaze, and I made some textbook comment like, “Wow, I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for you,” not wanting to invalidate all that he’d been through. But, seriously, how ignorant can one be?

Each person experiences pain differently. What might hurt you might not hurt me. What hurts me, may not affect you in the same way. You might not think something I struggle with is a big deal, but it can pain me the same amount something more significant, in your eyes, hurts you. I may never have gone through what he went through, what seemed like unnatural, idiopathic suffering, I may not have been able to battle through what he had to, but I’ve had my own challenges, I’ve experienced my own pain, in a very real way.

Everyone has something. No one’s life is a walk in the park. We all just have different capabilities, different capacities, to deal with challenges. Some people successfully live with their hardships though it knocks them in the face every single day. Others have learned to compartmentalize, able to push it deep inside the recesses of their minds, only accessing it when there’s a lesson to draw out. Some crumple and fall apart in the face of challenge, others man up and face it head-on, becoming only stronger for it.

How often though do we use pain as an excuse? Is that ever valid? Sure, it may be a reason, but that’s a whole different animal than an excuse.

Commenting that one has a “monopoly” on pain? That just seems arrogant almost. What kind of trump card is that? Okay, yes, empathy is given for free but respect needs to be earned. I can empathize with him, it hurt, he was in pain. Scratch that, he’s clearly still hurting, he’s in pain even now, but to discount everyone else’s hardships? I’m sorry, I can’t respect that.

Demons

My existence is corroded
I played hard -- my hand's since folded

Memories fill my dreams
Turned nightmares now, everything no longer like it seems

I want to run, I want to hide
Can't escape, this beast's inside

You need just look through my eyes
That's where this demon lies

I dug my own grave
Through that masquerade

I got too close
I thought it harmed us both

But while I await my next curtain call
Looks like you've got it all

I need to let you go
Counter punch this nasty blow

You replaced me in a flash
It's left an ugly gash

I don't want to be mad at you
But the pain's too difficult to be rational through

You moved on, I know
I need to let you go

You never needed me
Just any girl and you were free

Too invested in us
Now left to wait for my bus

Gray

The world is kind of gray today. There's dirty snow covering every exposed edifice, and the street is slate-gray, caked with dried salt. I think there might be a sun shining through the clouds, but my tinted glasses block the glow.

Nothing seems to be going for me this week. My mood matches the world with it's color zapped out. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel, exerting energy but going nowhere. I don't know how to get off or where to go. Slowly, everything is crumpling around me. It's all kind of just one gray blob.

My patience has all but gone, and I'm at the end of my rope. I knot the rope's end as to be able to continue holding on, but my hands are blistering and bleeding. I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

Five Weeks Clean and Counting

One night during the time we were dating, I turned to BG and I said, "I think I'm addicted to you." He was flattered, but I didn't really mean it in a good way. I loved the way he made me feel, couldn't stop thinking about him, and never wanted to say goodbye at the end of the night. Yet, I wasn't ever sure that our relationship was a healthy one. Even so, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him. We spent way too much time together at the detriment of other important things in our lives. Sounds like an addiction to me.

Quitting cold turkey was extremely hard. Still, I didn't really quit 100%. I haven't talked to him, seen him, spent time with him, or anything like that, but I can't stop myself from thinking about him. Plus, I've talked about him a lot in the last couple of weeks. Some days I've been great. My head's totally clear, I feel really good, I'm so over him. Other days, well, they're not as great. Specific things bring on relapses, and they're sooo frustrating. I find myself bemoaning the fact that I was in such a good place and now I'm back at square one. Thus is life. We win some, we lose some. Small steps forward, some steps backward. It's all part of the process. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Tonight is our break-up anniversary and I'm feeling surprisingly good...at least about the break-up. It's not really about BG anymore, it's more about missing the amazing feeling of being in a close relationship with someone. That feeling of connection, someone thinking you're their whole world and him being your world. That's what this is about. Being single, or being in the beginning stages of a relationship that you don't see going anywhere, is really hard after feeling what it's like to be in that relationship.

I know I can't hold onto him anymore, it's making my life really hard. I'm trying to let go. So, it's important to recognize these five weeks. It's been five whole weeks since I've spoken to him. That has to be clean enough. Thinking about him or even talking about him doesn't give me a high, it's not the same fix as interacting with him. So ya, it's been five whole clean weeks. Congrats to me.