Yom HaDin and Disengagement

It's that time of year again. Rosh Hashana is imminent, and we're right up against Yom Kippur. What kind of year did you have? What kind of year do you want? It's all decided right there and right then, as you struggle to stay focused on the words that you're saying and the words that you're trying to mean.

I was talking to a bunch of singles recently, and the overwhelming sentiment I was hearing over and over was how we all just feel so stuck. Each Rosh Hashana we daven, we think we do a good job storming the heavens letting G-d know that we really want to be connected to Him, that we really feel like we need to get married, and yet, we're still in the same place year after year, unattached and uninspired.

We've all but backed away a little bit. There is only so many times that you can ask the same thing with the same kind of intensity and not feel dejected when it doesn't bear fruit. We withdraw and numb ourselves from pain. When we feel like we don't belong, we distance ourselves. Let's be real, is there a place for singles in the frum community? Yiddishkeit is so much about family life (and rightfully so), so without a family, it's harder to feel motivated to stay part of all this.

There are so many levels here, but let's first talk about how when someone lets his challenge define him, he is likely to feel high levels of false guilt and shame, and he is more likely to disengage, cease caring, and stop contributing to society. 

In her book Daring Greatly, writer researcher Dr. Brene Brown explains that anxiety and fear take over when there is a high level of shame (feeling like you can't be who you're "supposed" to be), and people disengage and distance themselves from their community to protect themselves. This happens because the individual feels spurned and has little respect for the perceived perpetuators and system. Shame can drive people away from societal values, because these values hold little for them if they feel the community and system upholding them rejects them.

Another facet of this disengagement is how the further and further we get away from a structured learning environment, we let go of some values. We're no longer being spoon-fed, and it's up to us to continue to learn and grow, deciding who and what we want to be. It's a "Natural Evolution of Decay," as someone I once dated put it. 

This brings up the question of how fake must we be if as soon as we step outside the hallowed halls of our yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs do we fall prey to the corruption in the outside world? Honestly, I think what happens outside of structured learning says a lot more about who we are as people. The guy who's gone to college and is working every day yet still holds onto minyan, learning, etc, has done so much more for himself than the one warming the bench in the B"M and doing the same. You may wear a coat if you're in the Arctic, but you're not necessarily a coat-wearer unless you wear the coat at home too.

Many of us walk the fence hoping that our two worlds don't collide. Most of us are pretty successful at it too. The problem is when the secular environment becomes the place in which you feel more productive, as we gravitate towards things that make us feel good about ourselves. This is another reason why we retreat from Yiddishkeit values we may have once held non-negotiable. Said community brings pain, the other world is more comfortable.

It's going to be another year, and we have Rosh Hashana as a means to help us stay on track. Life isn't about comfort. What makes sense for you? Who do you want to be? Where is your train going this year? Hashem isn't a vindictive G-d; He really wants what is best for us. Sometimes, apparently, it's not what we think is easy. It's a new year, a new chance. Can you realign your priorities and figure out what's real and what's just a coping mechanism?

Fear of Silence

When I called him out on his babbling/rapidly switching from topic to topic, apparently to avoid any silences, he shared with me his theory on silence.

"There's a difference between silence of absence and silence of presence. This is only our third date; we don't have that dynamic yet of silence of presence."

In the vernacular we call it "awkward silence" and "comfortable silence." Awkward silence is when there's an unnatural pause in the conversation, generally because you're scrambling to figure out what to talk about. Comfortable silence is when you don't need to be talking and you can just enjoy the other person's company without noise.

If you've just met someone, there is a large chance that there will be silences in your conversation. Unless you "click" right away,  you're really just learning each others' language, interests, knowledge base, etc. For this reason, I've known people to come up with a list of topics to talk about before dates. I get it, if you get nervous or are not usually a good conversationalist, that may be a good idea. However, may I suggest that silence is okay? If you just follow the natural digression of a conversation and hit some silences along the way, that's totally fair.

Why are people so afraid of silence? I read somewhere recently (I can't remember where, so I don't know if it was a scientific source or a perhaps a pop culture one) that when we're in another's presence, as long as we're conversing, we're receiving cues of validation. When there's silence, we don't know what the other person is thinking, and it's easy to feel uncomfortable, anxious, and even rejected.

I use silence all the time, professionally, and personally. What's born out of silence can be very telling. Sometimes you learn more about someone than you would have had you decided to talk about you. Sometimes you hear what's really going on in someone's mind. Sometimes you learn that you really have nothing in common with the person sitting opposite you, because while you can practically talk for hours to most people about most topics, you can't seem to get any conversation started with this person.

Let go of the "what if's" and just try to be present. S/he's probably not thinking what you think s/he is. If you're feeling awkward, s/he probably is too. So, if the silence stretches too long, just say something funny to break the ice. Even a simple, "What are you thinking about/Penny for your thoughts?" usually does the trick.

Science Says Mutual Vulnerability Leads to Love: Does Shidduch Dating Give Us an Edge?

There's been a lot of buzz regarding psychologist Aron's 36 Questions experiment, which explores how to foster interpersonal closeness between two strangers. He proposes that having two people share increasingly personal information with each other mirrors the manner in which two people develop emotional intimacy. 

The study involves a heterosexual man and woman meeting for the first time in a lab. They sit together answering a series of personal questions, and then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The result? Six months later, the two participants got married.

The study's author explains, "One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure." In other words, vulnerability leads to closeness. By forcing people to be open and emotionally vulnerable with each other, this encourages closeness.

Mandy Len Catron writes an article for the NY Times, To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This, in which she relates her personal experience with Aron's 36 Questions. She tells how an old college buddy says to her, “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone?” They decided to give The 36 Questions a shot. Catron shares that her personal experiment taught her that love doesn't just happen to us; it's more malleable than you might think. She says,

It’s true you can’t choose who loves you . . . and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.

But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.

If all this is accurate, does the fast-paced, goal oriented style that we date engender vulnerability like Aron's Questions? Are these feelings "real," or are we just confusing this intensity with "liking" the person? Is this feeling sustainable when real life kicks in? Can you really love anyone as long as some basic prerequisites are present?

Perhaps the fact that shidduch dating is just more focused is what's at play here. Maybe removing a large aspect of physical compatibility from the equation while dating helps to foster more genuine emotional closeness quicker.

Trust, emotional intimacy, comfortability, are all important in a relationship, but there are a lot of other things that are important in a "forever" relationship too. Perhaps those conditions aren't so basic, but if met, then yes, being able to be vulnerable with someone can definitely lead to what we kids call love nowadays.

Empty Nest

My last single friend (that I haven't made in the last year or so) is getting married today -- the last bird to fly from the nest. What was once a squawking blur of colorful feathers, now a quiet monotone of sticks.

Just like parents don't want to hold back their children from sprouting wings and flying the coop, I have no bitterness towards all my friends who have moved on without me. It's just a lonely lonely place without them.

Luckily, I've been blessed to meet some really cool chicks (pun intended) over the last year or so, and they're doing a great job keeping me company. Still, I just feel really left behind. Why have my wings been clipped? Why must I stay behind in the dirty sticks and earth?

So, I'll dance at her wedding, have a good time, and see her off into the sunset. I'm happy for her, but sad for me. Tinges of green.

The "Click" Feeling (vs. "Love at First Sight")

Ah, the elusive "click."

What is this "click"? Can it be cultivated or must it be present from the beginning? Is it enough to build a relationship on? Do you need this feeling to tie the knot?

Awhile back I remember talking to someone about what they are seeking in a spouse/relationship. "Basically," they told me, "a good normal person, someone I 'click' with. That's it."

The romantic in me understands this (to a point), but the logical rational analytical side of me tells me that there is something beneath this"click" feeling. Especially when you're dating shidduch-style (and you must answer over and over again "what are you 'looking for'?") it may be important and helpful to figure out your "recipe."

Based upon my own relationships, friendships included, I can say there are definitely people I click with right away, and there are some that take a bit longer, but we can have just as meaningful and comfortable of a relationship. There are some people that I remember feeling like I wanted to be friends with right when I met them, while other friendships were brought about by shared experiences, perspectives, and circumstance.

The "click" feeling I'm referring to is not "love at first sight." Sorry to be a bubble-burster, but that does not exist in real life. That, folks, is what we call lust, often engendered by all the wrong reasons, and it falls apart.

Dutton and Aron's 1974 Love on a Suspension Bridge experiment  in which people were approached on a suspension bridge swaying 250 feet in the air, and they were given the phone number of the assistant that had approached them, showed that these people followed up with the assistants more than their counterpart who were approached on a solid wood bridge just 10 feet above a calm brook. These results were attributed to the fear arousal that the first group of people felt as they crossed the suspension bridge, the feeling that was misinterpreted as romantic excitement. This is a good example of "love at first sight," a false sense of excitement that can be attributed to various things, usually which have little to do with developing a healthy relationship.

To take this idea a bit further, recognize how fledgling love is selfish. Because real love, mature love, inherently comes from giving to the other person, love for someone when you first meet him/her is more of a "I love how you make me feel." This can be built upon, but it is in no ways the love that a good relationship thrives on.

While this "click" feeling is something that is often confused as "love at first sight," in reality it's a level of attraction that is based on various factors, and perhaps, ultimately, comes down to chemistry and maybe even pheromones. Therefore, as I understand it, it can only be analyzed to a point, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

The "click" appeal in a relationship has a lot to do with feelings of comfortability, similarity, mutual trust, and effortless communication. In other words, people feel like they "talk the same language," meaning s/he feels like the other just "gets" him/her. Contributing factors to this include shared backgrounds, experiences, and/or similar Weltanschauung.

Under duress of a well-meaning shadchan -- I was asked to explain why I didn't get along with/didn't like a particular guy I had gone out with a few times -- I set out to understand what didn't work between this guy and me and why. On paper things seemed perfect, but in person, despite that he was seeing rainbows and hearts, I was extremely bored and just didn't feel like we connected at all. After analyzing his personality, my personality, what we both think we need, and our interactions, I came to an understanding that he just didn't have a particular attribute that is essential for me in any meaningful relationship. Because of this, I believe, I just didn't like him. I couldn't connect with him. My dating experience has taught me that there are specific characteristics that work for me and some that just don't.

I think had I dated this guy sometime earlier on in my shidduch career, I probably would have gone out with him longer and given things more of a chance to blossom. Because I now have more insight into all this, because I understand my "recipe" a bit better, I have a more accurate idea of what has the potential to work and what does not. (That's not to say that I don't still give guys a chance even if we don't click right away. Hey, I might surprise myself; I'm always trying to stay positive and open here!)

I know that when I'm in a relationship (that's working for us), I feel a certain sense of safety and security, as well as there is no concept of time, meaning we can spend hours together and not get bored of each other. These aren't aspects per se that I look for in a relationship, but when they're there, this for me is part of our "click." Everyone's "click" feeling is something different. Essentially it's a feeling of mutual attraction, understanding, and ease in the relationship.

Not everyone has this "click" initially with their spouse. It can be developed as trust, understanding, and comfortability grow. Because a majority of these are based upon logical things like shared hashkafos, goals, values, communication, etc., there is often a natural progression, an easiness, if you will, that affects this.

I've found too that not everyone will have this contentedness or easiness in their relationship even after awhile, and their decision to marry their spouse will come from a more logical place. Things match up, they can check aspects off their list (more on lists a different time!), so to speak, and it just makes sense.

Please please keep in mind that sometimes the person you fall for/like right away can be for all the wrong reasons, and you must pay attention to the logical aspects of the relationships as well. "Click" is not love, it's an easiness and comfort. Even if it is "love," love does not conquer all! Passion fades and then you're left with the technicalities. If you don't have shared goals and values it doesn't matter how much you like your spouse. On the other hand, it's super important that you really like the person you marry, because things change, and when push comes to shove and you have to work conflicts out, you need to have a solid foundation to be building from.

"Click" is a chemistry that is often promoted by mutual understanding and shared outlook. It's an easiness that comes from understanding each other, and it can be present from the beginning of a relationship, or it can be nurtured. "Click" doesn't always exist, and alone it's probably not enough to seal the deal.

What Sets Someone Apart As a "Good Shadchan"

Throughout my dating career, I've dealt with many different types of shadchanim, be them amateurs just getting their feet wet, friends or family members that had a shidduch idea and were acting as a go-between, or career shadchanim that are at any time working multiple matches.

There are a few basic rules that I feel anybody setting a couple up should abide by. First and foremost, you must be reachable! Once you set a shidduch in motion, you cannot drop the ball. I've been in situations where a shadchan didn't get back to me until two weeks after a date. I'd reached out to her multiple times in those two weeks, and she just didn't respond. Granted, in that scenario, I had called her immediately following the date and expressed my horror regarding how the guy had acted. She apparently didn't feel like she needed to follow up after having spoken to him, because there would be no second date. However, I needed the closure -- just a short phone call, text, or email letting me know what happened (and as I eventually found out, there was a "his side to the story," but it was too little too late).

In a similar situation, a friend's husband had set me up with a friend of his while I was in their city for the day. We had a fairly good meeting. It was supposed to be an hour --tops-- coffee date, and we ended up stretching it to a little over two. We had gone into the date saying that we would meet, and if we both thought it had potential, we would exchange resumes/profiles and take it from there. Following the date, we both said we had enjoyed each others' company and we were interested in proceeding. To me this meant that we would continue dating and we could "do research" about the other person while we did this. I waited for about a week before my friend's husband got back to me (I had to chase him down). He said, "Someone else in his city came up in the mean time, so I guess that means he doesn't want to pursue this right now." You really made me wait a week to tell me he's not interested? To this day I'm not sure if my friend's husband made up that response to try to "soften the blow" that he didn't want to date me, or what. Just be upfront, be honest, and please be timely! I could have been pursuing something/someone else that whole week.

The best case scenario is when the shadchan touches base with the girl within a few hours following the date, or the next morning. It's protocol for the shadchan to talk to the guy first. If he doesn't get in touch, then as the shadchan, reach out to him and find out what he thought and if he wants to go out again. Then, call the girl.

Especially if the couple hasn't exchanged phone numbers, it's important for the shadchan to be accessible in the scenario the guy or girl is going to be late, gets lost, or can't seem to find the location where they're meeting.

A good shadchan is on top of times, locations, and other logistical details. I've been in situations where, for whatever reason, the shadchan told one of us the wrong time, and either the guy came to pick me up fifteen minutes early (poor parents, they had to entertain him, because I was not ready), or he was waiting for me in a hotel lobby for a half hour, because the shadchan never updated me on a time change.

It is possible for a go-between to "ruin" a shidduch. I can't remember exactly what went down in this particular case, but I do know that there was a situation in which there was a misunderstanding regarding who was traveling for the date. In the end, I think I just gave in and went to him (even though I  think I had traveled for the last two dates as well), but not without some resentment. The whole situation could have been avoided had there been better communication and the shadchan not assumed anything, nor told either one of us what the other had "said," as neither of us had said any such thing. This wasn't the reason we ultimately broke up, but it sure colored it for both of us.

Another aspect of open communication is, despite how uncomfortable it may be, to extend the courtesy of letting someone know if your suggestion declined interest in going out altogether. Meaning, if you mention an idea to someone, letting him know that you're redting the suggestion, and consequently the other party says s/he isn't interested, it's a nice practice to let the other person know this so he isn't wondering what's going on.

On a different note, I understand why a shadchan would "push" a shidduch, because admittedly, sometimes singles have stupid hangups and they need to be encouraged. Encouraged, not coerced! A good shadchan will help a single explore what's holding her back or turning her off. Sometimes one (more) date isn't a bad idea, but sometimes it is! There's enough internal pressure and desperation as it is, so please don't try to force anything.

Feedback is also crucial in a shidduch. There's one shadchan that I've worked with multiple times, and he always asks for feedback following a date. Sometimes it's annoying, because I don't always have feedback to share after a first or second date, or I don't really want to outline why I don't think the guy is for me, but it's helpful in other situations, especially when he shares the feedback from the guy.

As an aside, that's one of the positives in shidduch dating. Despite it making the relationship a little more superficial, there's a way to know what the other person is thinking/feeling about the relationship before you feel familiar enough to have that conversation with the person himself. It can be helpful in multiple ways.

Being a shadchan is sometimes a thankless job, especially when you spend a lot of time trying to convince people to go out and they don't want to/never "say yes" to your ideas. Sometimes you don't know what's right and how to proceed. I obviously don't have answers for that, but I do think that some of the things mentioned in this post can help pave the way for those shidduchim that do make it to first base, er, I mean first date.

Pink Flags: Everything Means Something

On our first date we had both grabbed bottled beverages. Like a gentleman on a first date, he paid for my drink as well as his own. Then, he snagged a straw for himself but failed to get one for me. Okay, no big deal, I'm capable of getting my own plastic-ware. Although, I would have gotten a straw for him had I been the one to get up first. On a later date, something spilled, when I mentioned it, he made some offhanded comment about "just having to deal with these things." Huh? I kind of meant, can you pass me some napkins that happened to be by your elbow?

Neither of these two instances are great cause for alarm, but they do mean something about him. Either he's sort of out to lunch, unaware of things and people around him, or he just doesn't see the need or value in taking care of someone or being chivalrous/considerate. He seemed to be a mentsch in so many other ways, that this left me scratching my head. I'm not saying that this a deal-breaker per se, but it speaks to who he is.

It's so important to pay attention to all the little things that happen on dates. A date, especially a beginning one, is the place where you are meant to put your best foot forward. If something happens on a date, it's likely to be a behavior, in an exacerbated kind of way, that will rear its head within a future relationship with said person. We're human, and we're not perfect, so these things don't mean "break up" with this person, but it does mean that these little cues are painting a picture of what type of behaviors or attitudes are his norm.

Dating, for me, has been a process of learning to trust my gut and instincts. If something feels off, feels wrong, it's not a smart idea to brush it off. Don't make excuses for people or rationalize hurtful things they say or do. If you have a feeling about something, pay attention to it.

Once, on a date, we were discussing winning the Powerball. He was saying that you can't win if you don't play, and I said that I don't have luck with lotteries, so my only chance of winning any money is if I marry him and he wins. I wasn't proposing to him, and I didn't mean anything by it, but he sort of freaked out and rejoined with, "If I win the Powerball, I'm not marrying you!"

I played it off; I even made excuses for him when I told the story over and got flak for not breaking up with him over that comment. In the end, it was a reflection of his true colors. We were dating for awhile and he said he was invested and saw a future together, but whenever I mentioned the words "marry" or "get engaged," he would change the subject. I should have realized then that he would break up with me out of nowhere the weekend before we were supposed to put a ring on things.

Likely, some flags aren't so pink, they're more vibrant, red flags, if you will, but we're blinded for whatever reason. Perhaps his personality is engaging, even though his middos leave much to be desired. Maybe it's his looks that are drawing you in, his reputation, or even it's an internal degree of desperation that is causing you to make bad judgements, because you really want to get married and share your life with someone.

I've had my fair share of neon signs crop up on dates telling me to stay away. Sometimes I've listened, and sometimes I've learned the hard way, working through a host of issues with the person before calling it quits when reaching a final impasse. Whether it was the guy who used hugely questionable, offensive even, language on a first date, or the fact that he creepily "warned" me within the first few minutes of meeting me that he once before dated someone he thought was similar to me in a specific aspect and had had a "mad crush" on her. Another glaring sign would be from the guy who, when I reached to adjust the temperature in his car, pushed my hand away. That wasn't even so much of a question of shomer negiya, but I wouldn't do that to a same-gender friend I had just met! Perhaps the one that takes the cake is the guy who when I questioned something I thought was stalker-ish that he'd said/did, he manipulated the conversation to make me seem like the crazy one, along with making fun of every opinion I had, and then proceeded to ask me out.

Talking to someone objective about your dating relationship and your interactions with someone is extremely prudent. It's not enough to share an overall sense of a relationship either; don't be afraid to get into all the nitty gritty, especially if there are things that are concerning you. Friends and family members can't always be objective, so seek out someone you respect who doesn't have otherwise vested interest in your life, a dating mentor of sorts. Remember though, only you can make the final decision, and only you will have to live with the consequences.

Do Looks Matter?

When it comes to looks, I'm pretty picky. I have fairly high standards for "handsome." That being said, I won't dump someone or not go out with him because he doesn't reach the bar. It's a given that you have to be physically attracted to the person that you marry. However, I'm a firm believer in if someone has a good personality, you like his internal, his looks have the potential to grow on you.

Perhaps this works for me because (I'd like to think that) I'm not superficial. I will usually give someone a chance even if his looks aren't what I would have picked. Because of that, unless there's a particular reason, I don't like seeing guys' pictures before a date. There's so much more to a person then just their physical outward appearance. I'd rather get to know someone as a person. With just the 2 dimensional image, I'm more likely to nix him before giving it a shot. I also remind myself that looks fade. The person inside is a lot more important, because that's the person you're stuck with even after he loses his hair and his metabolism slows down.

It's happened to me plenty of times, I've dated people who were, by no one's terms, "ugly," but I just really didn't care for their looks. With one guy in particular, we hit it off right away, and although his looks bothered me for awhile, I was able to look past it, and soon I thought he was really cute looking.

It's changed my outlook a little. Instead of being disappointed when meeting a blind date, I remind myself that if I end up liking the guy, I'll probably think he's cute after awhile.

Obviously if someone's looks bother you even after you get to know him, that's a different story. If you're not physically attracted to him, that's an issue. But, I do believe that external ends up reflecting internal.

Of the Flaws in Our Shidduch System: Having to Rely on Others to Set Us Up

These are the things that make shidduch dating hard. Swimming in the waters of shidduchim, it feels like we're at the mercy of others to send us life rafts. Sometimes we go for a raft because someone totally misrepresents it. We try to make it float because we really want it to, but often that's genuinely just impossible. Sometimes we hang onto a raft because we're curious about truly how bad could it be? Sometimes a raft looks harmless on the outside but we slowly learn that it will make us drown.

Because of the way gender is segregated in most frum circles (and I'm not contesting whether this should or shouldn't be the case), it's very difficult for singles to meet on their own, or even to meet through mutual friends. Perhaps there are similar problems even outside of gender segregated communities, and maybe that has to do with the imbalanced numbers game, I don't know. However, the fact that within this system we must often rely on strangers and other random acquaintances causes various different issues.

Because people will set up random people they just met, or others they have never met at all, this often sparks dreadful situations. Setting up a skirt and pants when you have never met either is a bad bad idea. People are complex and there are so many factors that need to compliment each other that even when you know both people well, it's hard to set them up successfully. As a personal example, my worst dates have been with guys in which the person setting us up had not met the guy or me or both. There's just a feel you get for someone when you meet him in person and spend some time with him/her. If you think that someone you heard of us might be a good idea for someone you know, I would suggest that if at all feasible, get to know this other person better before wasting your friend/cousin/niece/etc's time.

Additionally, I think the way our system works breeds desperation for girls. Many of my friends will continue dating someone, agonizing over each date when they should have "said no" long ago, because they don't know when they will get set up again if they end the current shidduch. They feel like they have no control over meeting someone new.

People often feel like they're m'shubed to shadchanim, or shadchanim feel like singles should be m'shubed to them. Shadchanim can then go and start charging money for each date they set up. I'm not disputing the fact that a lot of time and work is put into setting a couple up, and people want to be paid for their time, but please, don't take advantage of singles' fear, vulnerability, and desperation. (As a side note, it is important for singles to give hakaras hatov to someone who set them up, but that's outside the realm of this post.)

On a slightly tangential note, when you hire a realtor to find you a house, they do a lot of work for you. At the end of the day, they may not be your shaliach, and you may find a house via other means. When that is the case, your realtor doesn't get paid a penny! It's part of the business. If people can't afford to work on shidduchim without getting paid for their time, they're in the wrong business. Do it as a chessed, or maybe don't do it at all.

Singles travel, sometimes far distances, to meet shadchanim, sometimes paying them money for the meeting, and rarely do they hear back. They often don't get a response to reach-outs. This, of course, isn't always the case, but shadchanim are inundated on a daily basis and are super busy. I'm not sure if they don't answer emails, texts, phone calls, and voice mails because they're so busy, or they just can't be bothered. This in turn makes singles feel helpless and sometimes even worthless.

In a world that's getting smaller and smaller, living within a community that's fairly connected, is there no better way to do this?

The Morning After

There's always aftermath following a first date. If it's a really good date, often you may not know what the other person was thinking and you can work yourself up trying to think about what he's going to tell the shadchan about whether he'd like to see you again, or if it's more causal, whether he's going to get in touch. If it was pareve, ie. you really don't care either way, I guess that's the best scenario. Whatever happens doesn't really mean that much. Even so, every date is effort.

The worst is when it's a really bad date. Bad dates make me feel worse than never having gone out at all. I think it makes me question why whoever set us up did. What is wrong with me? Will I ever find the right one? Are there any normal guys out there? How long will I have to keep doing this? Will I ever get married, or am I destined to just continue dating for the rest of my life?

I have a friend who likes to label her bad dates as fodder for our next Purim shpiel. We all have to manage to get through it somehow. It's just hard to shake sometimes, and it isn't limited to a morning after hangover. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. It's easy to carry around.

A guy I once dated told me that for him rejections (after a few dates with someone he saw potential with) were like a 24 hour bug. He'd feel down for about a day, but then ultimately get over it. I think I can relate to that (more on rejection another time perhaps), but in saying that, maybe bad dates trump someone's (1-4 date) rejection. It's like the situation, shidduchim, or life is rejecting you.

A Letter To My 19 Year Old Self

Hi there!

You are about to embark on an exciting new journey. I know you're hoping (thinking) that this excursion will be short lived and you will find the right one easily and soon. The truth is, life itself is a journey, and everything you're about to experience is just the beginning. You're closing the door on an era of innocence and naïveté, and you're entering into unknown waters. You will learn a lot, but the price it comes along with is lots of pain, heartbreak, confusion, and fear. You will have to push limits, drawing on strengths you never knew you had.

I tell you this not to scare you, but to prepare you. You will need to hang onto your hat, and dig deep for that brave face, perseverance, and continue working on that emunah. I know you think you're in a great place with that after an amazing year and new perspectives you gained in seminary, but it will be challenged, a lot, over and over again. It's preparation for the rest of your life. Nothing is a guarantee, and you will learn quickly that Hashem is really in charge. You have to continue to believe that He has a plan for you, and He knows what He's doing. Don't try to drive the bus.

I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of living your life waiting for something to happen. Please don't do that. Even after awhile when you have something you feel like is the next step, something you're living for, when you feel like life is on pause, so much else will seem lifeless. When that happens go out and find things that make you happy now. Take up new hobbies, get involved in community projects, tap into your strengths to make the world around you a better place. Do what you have control over. Draw on your resources. Resilient people get through challenges by believing that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. They draw on social support and reach out to others.

Don't wait around because you don't know when you will have to go on a date or when you will get married and perhaps move away. I know how much you hate cancelling, backing out, and not being able to follow through on things you say. It definitely will be hard to plan and fill up your schedule when you're not sure if you will need to cancel something or back out at the last moment, but do it anyway. Take the job you're not sure will work because you don't really still want to be around here next semester. Make plans for vacations and weekends. You need to live your life now and you will figure things out if you need to change them.

You will meet a lot of cool people, and enjoy that. Have fun seeing new places and doing new things. Learn something from everyone, even if it's a horrible date. Each date is one closer to the right one, and you can find some small merit in each person alone as well. You may not get along with someone, but every person has new perspectives and things to share; listen to them and add what they have to offer to your repertoire of knowledge and random facts.

Be cautious though. Some people may not have your best interests in mind, whatever they tell you. They may think they do, have convinced themselves they do, but ultimately, they don't care if they crush you. You will struggle to find the balance of protecting your heart and giving it over to another so you can try to make sense of a relationship with him. There is no right way to do it; just be true to yourself.

You will get your heart broken, a few times actually. Don't be hard on yourself about that pain. It's natural and normal, and it will ultimately make you stronger. You can't fight it. Love freely; you have to make your own mistakes and follow down those relationships. Even after you get hurt, don't be scared to put yourself out there and take chances, it's the only way you can truly connect and create a deep meaningful relationship with someone.

Stop caring what everyone else thinks or says. This is your life, and you decide how to live it. Don't buy into "nebach she's still single" stereotypes and stigmas. People can think and assume whatever they want, but just as you won't know why you're not married yet, neither do they. It doesn't matter what they think. You're awesome, and you have the same capabilities as anyone who is married. People unknowingly blind themselves with stupid stigmas and assumptions. Don't fall into that same close-minded trap. Challenge yourself every day; take stock of your beliefs and expectations.

Keep fighting and be yourself. Don't give up on things that are important to you. Believe that you deserve the best, and you will get it. Remember that it's okay to be angry, but realize that "anger is sad's bodyguard." The only way through sadness is actually through. Sadness is uncomfortable, but it's okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. Don't try to escape it. You will learn a lot about yourself throughout this process, and it will ultimately make you into a better person. Don't give that up just because it's hard. You don't have a choice how long the journey will be, so sit back and try to make the best of the ride.

Happy traveling!

What I've Learned About Being an Empath

I think I am an Empath; I portray many characteristics of being an Empath. I feel others pain, and it takes conscious effort for me to not absorb or try to fix it. In relationships I often to try to put other people first, as others' happiness is important to me as my own. My relationships can get intense fast, because I read other people's energy and emotion, and I desire to connect on a deep level. I connect with people who are suffering, and I want to heal and help them. I have an inquisitive mind, always looking for answers, analyzing and theorizing. I want to understand things, and I follow down explanations and answers. I'm creative and passionate; I love designing, crafting, art, nature, music, acting. I like uncluttered space, as disarray clutters my psyche. I hate when people are put down or bullied, even inadvertently. I'm very sensory, and certain repetitive sounds, smells, and even textures bother me. I like to think of my self as a life-seeker, an adventurer, always up for the next challenge. Being an empath is a blessing and a curse.

I need to constantly remind myself that I cannot fix people. People can only fix themselves. I need to remember that validation doesn't come from others' entrusting me with their feelings/pain. I do not need to "take care" of anyone. I need to live authentically and cannot live beneath anyone's manipulation/charm. My heart is open, maybe too open, so please if I entrust you with it, please don't take advantage of me.

Read about the Toxic Attraction Between Empaths and Narcissists 

My Life As The Bachelorette

I feel like my life is a never ending season of a dating show. Every so often a new guy gets introduced and gets his chance to try to win my heart. We go on dates, some good ones, some bad ones. I give out my roses, choosing who to keep and who to send home. Some hearts get broken, including my own, and we go on playing the game week after week, year after year.

Of course there's drama, as in every good dating show there is. Sometimes it's the superbly fake canned lines daters use to try to woo me, sometimes it's the lack of game and the ones that go straight for the stab without stopping to find out how I feel first. It's the yawningly boring dates that stretch out late into the night as I try to find some common ground as we debate why Trump could never run the country or why it's so important to like what you do professionally. Sometimes it's the ones I've sent home or who have rejected me that come back for another shot. There's always a story, and I'm stuck in the middle of it.

Will there ever be the happily ever after? Who will receive the final rose?

Just Someone I Used to Know

We broke up amicably enough. We liked each other, we clicked, we had a lot in common, but for whatever reasons things just couldn't work between us. We were close, we leaned on each other emotionally. I let you in, and you knew me, really knew me; I felt like I knew you too. We were happy together. Things felt good when were together. We so enjoyed each other's company; I felt safe with you.

You said we could still be friends. Of course we couldn't; there isn't room for intergender non-platonic relationships within our worlds.

And now when I see you, you treat me like it never happened, like we were nothing. You treat me like a stranger. We were close, at least I thought we were, and now I don't know you.

Did you have to cheapen what we had? We don't have to talk, but you didn't have to put up a wall. You don't have to pretend like we didn't share the experiences and conversations that we did.

There is a level in which you have a close friend that you don't talk to frequently. I get why that would be hard. Couldn't we just have pretended that we were walking that line?

Now I'm thinking that maybe I misunderstood you all along. Maybe we never really wanted the same thing out of a relationship. Did I ever really know you? Were you ever going to truly let me in? Why do you hold your cards so close to your vest?

It hurts.

The Toxic Attraction Between an Empath and a Narcisisst

This is not my article, read the original by Alex Myles here.

From my own experience and studies on narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.

Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.

Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.

What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.

This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.

The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.

The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.

When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.

As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.

An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.

Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.

An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.

However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.

Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.

However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.

In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.

We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.

The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never too late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.

An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.

A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realise they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked, so they will seek out their next victim.

The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.