When it comes to looks, I'm pretty picky. I have fairly high standards for "handsome." That being said, I won't dump someone or not go out with him because he doesn't reach the bar. It's a given that you have to be physically attracted to the person that you marry. However, I'm a firm believer in if someone has a good personality, you like his internal, his looks have the potential to grow on you.
Perhaps this works for me because (I'd like to think that) I'm not superficial. I will usually give someone a chance even if his looks aren't what I would have picked. Because of that, unless there's a particular reason, I don't like seeing guys' pictures before a date. There's so much more to a person then just their physical outward appearance. I'd rather get to know someone as a person. With just the 2 dimensional image, I'm more likely to nix him before giving it a shot. I also remind myself that looks fade. The person inside is a lot more important, because that's the person you're stuck with even after he loses his hair and his metabolism slows down.
It's happened to me plenty of times, I've dated people who were, by no one's terms, "ugly," but I just really didn't care for their looks. With one guy in particular, we hit it off right away, and although his looks bothered me for awhile, I was able to look past it, and soon I thought he was really cute looking.
It's changed my outlook a little. Instead of being disappointed when meeting a blind date, I remind myself that if I end up liking the guy, I'll probably think he's cute after awhile.
Obviously if someone's looks bother you even after you get to know him, that's a different story. If you're not physically attracted to him, that's an issue. But, I do believe that external ends up reflecting internal.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Of the Flaws in Our Shidduch System: Having to Rely on Others to Set Us Up
These are the things that make shidduch dating hard. Swimming in the waters of shidduchim, it feels like we're at the mercy of others to send us life rafts. Sometimes we go for a raft because someone totally misrepresents it. We try to make it float because we really want it to, but often that's genuinely just impossible. Sometimes we hang onto a raft because we're curious about truly how bad could it be? Sometimes a raft looks harmless on the outside but we slowly learn that it will make us drown.
Because of the way gender is segregated in most frum circles (and I'm not contesting whether this should or shouldn't be the case), it's very difficult for singles to meet on their own, or even to meet through mutual friends. Perhaps there are similar problems even outside of gender segregated communities, and maybe that has to do with the imbalanced numbers game, I don't know. However, the fact that within this system we must often rely on strangers and other random acquaintances causes various different issues.
Because people will set up random people they just met, or others they have never met at all, this often sparks dreadful situations. Setting up a skirt and pants when you have never met either is a bad bad idea. People are complex and there are so many factors that need to compliment each other that even when you know both people well, it's hard to set them up successfully. As a personal example, my worst dates have been with guys in which the person setting us up had not met the guy or me or both. There's just a feel you get for someone when you meet him in person and spend some time with him/her. If you think that someone you heard of us might be a good idea for someone you know, I would suggest that if at all feasible, get to know this other person better before wasting your friend/cousin/niece/etc's time.
Additionally, I think the way our system works breeds desperation for girls. Many of my friends will continue dating someone, agonizing over each date when they should have "said no" long ago, because they don't know when they will get set up again if they end the current shidduch. They feel like they have no control over meeting someone new.
People often feel like they're m'shubed to shadchanim, or shadchanim feel like singles should be m'shubed to them. Shadchanim can then go and start charging money for each date they set up. I'm not disputing the fact that a lot of time and work is put into setting a couple up, and people want to be paid for their time, but please, don't take advantage of singles' fear, vulnerability, and desperation. (As a side note, it is important for singles to give hakaras hatov to someone who set them up, but that's outside the realm of this post.)
On a slightly tangential note, when you hire a realtor to find you a house, they do a lot of work for you. At the end of the day, they may not be your shaliach, and you may find a house via other means. When that is the case, your realtor doesn't get paid a penny! It's part of the business. If people can't afford to work on shidduchim without getting paid for their time, they're in the wrong business. Do it as a chessed, or maybe don't do it at all.
Singles travel, sometimes far distances, to meet shadchanim, sometimes paying them money for the meeting, and rarely do they hear back. They often don't get a response to reach-outs. This, of course, isn't always the case, but shadchanim are inundated on a daily basis and are super busy. I'm not sure if they don't answer emails, texts, phone calls, and voice mails because they're so busy, or they just can't be bothered. This in turn makes singles feel helpless and sometimes even worthless.
In a world that's getting smaller and smaller, living within a community that's fairly connected, is there no better way to do this?
Because of the way gender is segregated in most frum circles (and I'm not contesting whether this should or shouldn't be the case), it's very difficult for singles to meet on their own, or even to meet through mutual friends. Perhaps there are similar problems even outside of gender segregated communities, and maybe that has to do with the imbalanced numbers game, I don't know. However, the fact that within this system we must often rely on strangers and other random acquaintances causes various different issues.
Because people will set up random people they just met, or others they have never met at all, this often sparks dreadful situations. Setting up a skirt and pants when you have never met either is a bad bad idea. People are complex and there are so many factors that need to compliment each other that even when you know both people well, it's hard to set them up successfully. As a personal example, my worst dates have been with guys in which the person setting us up had not met the guy or me or both. There's just a feel you get for someone when you meet him in person and spend some time with him/her. If you think that someone you heard of us might be a good idea for someone you know, I would suggest that if at all feasible, get to know this other person better before wasting your friend/cousin/niece/etc's time.
Additionally, I think the way our system works breeds desperation for girls. Many of my friends will continue dating someone, agonizing over each date when they should have "said no" long ago, because they don't know when they will get set up again if they end the current shidduch. They feel like they have no control over meeting someone new.
People often feel like they're m'shubed to shadchanim, or shadchanim feel like singles should be m'shubed to them. Shadchanim can then go and start charging money for each date they set up. I'm not disputing the fact that a lot of time and work is put into setting a couple up, and people want to be paid for their time, but please, don't take advantage of singles' fear, vulnerability, and desperation. (As a side note, it is important for singles to give hakaras hatov to someone who set them up, but that's outside the realm of this post.)
On a slightly tangential note, when you hire a realtor to find you a house, they do a lot of work for you. At the end of the day, they may not be your shaliach, and you may find a house via other means. When that is the case, your realtor doesn't get paid a penny! It's part of the business. If people can't afford to work on shidduchim without getting paid for their time, they're in the wrong business. Do it as a chessed, or maybe don't do it at all.
Singles travel, sometimes far distances, to meet shadchanim, sometimes paying them money for the meeting, and rarely do they hear back. They often don't get a response to reach-outs. This, of course, isn't always the case, but shadchanim are inundated on a daily basis and are super busy. I'm not sure if they don't answer emails, texts, phone calls, and voice mails because they're so busy, or they just can't be bothered. This in turn makes singles feel helpless and sometimes even worthless.
In a world that's getting smaller and smaller, living within a community that's fairly connected, is there no better way to do this?
Monday, September 19, 2016
The Morning After
There's always aftermath following a first date. If it's a really good date, often you may not know what the other person was thinking and you can work yourself up trying to think about what he's going to tell the shadchan about whether he'd like to see you again, or if it's more causal, whether he's going to get in touch. If it was pareve, ie. you really don't care either way, I guess that's the best scenario. Whatever happens doesn't really mean that much. Even so, every date is effort.
The worst is when it's a really bad date. Bad dates make me feel worse than never having gone out at all. I think it makes me question why whoever set us up did. What is wrong with me? Will I ever find the right one? Are there any normal guys out there? How long will I have to keep doing this? Will I ever get married, or am I destined to just continue dating for the rest of my life?
I have a friend who likes to label her bad dates as fodder for our next Purim shpiel. We all have to manage to get through it somehow. It's just hard to shake sometimes, and it isn't limited to a morning after hangover. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. It's easy to carry around.
A guy I once dated told me that for him rejections (after a few dates with someone he saw potential with) were like a 24 hour bug. He'd feel down for about a day, but then ultimately get over it. I think I can relate to that (more on rejection another time perhaps), but in saying that, maybe bad dates trump someone's (1-4 date) rejection. It's like the situation, shidduchim, or life is rejecting you.
The worst is when it's a really bad date. Bad dates make me feel worse than never having gone out at all. I think it makes me question why whoever set us up did. What is wrong with me? Will I ever find the right one? Are there any normal guys out there? How long will I have to keep doing this? Will I ever get married, or am I destined to just continue dating for the rest of my life?
I have a friend who likes to label her bad dates as fodder for our next Purim shpiel. We all have to manage to get through it somehow. It's just hard to shake sometimes, and it isn't limited to a morning after hangover. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. It's easy to carry around.
A guy I once dated told me that for him rejections (after a few dates with someone he saw potential with) were like a 24 hour bug. He'd feel down for about a day, but then ultimately get over it. I think I can relate to that (more on rejection another time perhaps), but in saying that, maybe bad dates trump someone's (1-4 date) rejection. It's like the situation, shidduchim, or life is rejecting you.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
A Letter To My 19 Year Old Self
Hi there!
You are about to embark on an exciting new journey. I know you're hoping (thinking) that this excursion will be short lived and you will find the right one easily and soon. The truth is, life itself is a journey, and everything you're about to experience is just the beginning. You're closing the door on an era of innocence and naïveté, and you're entering into unknown waters. You will learn a lot, but the price it comes along with is lots of pain, heartbreak, confusion, and fear. You will have to push limits, drawing on strengths you never knew you had.
I tell you this not to scare you, but to prepare you. You will need to hang onto your hat, and dig deep for that brave face, perseverance, and continue working on that emunah. I know you think you're in a great place with that after an amazing year and new perspectives you gained in seminary, but it will be challenged, a lot, over and over again. It's preparation for the rest of your life. Nothing is a guarantee, and you will learn quickly that Hashem is really in charge. You have to continue to believe that He has a plan for you, and He knows what He's doing. Don't try to drive the bus.
I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of living your life waiting for something to happen. Please don't do that. Even after awhile when you have something you feel like is the next step, something you're living for, when you feel like life is on pause, so much else will seem lifeless. When that happens go out and find things that make you happy now. Take up new hobbies, get involved in community projects, tap into your strengths to make the world around you a better place. Do what you have control over. Draw on your resources. Resilient people get through challenges by believing that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. They draw on social support and reach out to others.
Don't wait around because you don't know when you will have to go on a date or when you will get married and perhaps move away. I know how much you hate cancelling, backing out, and not being able to follow through on things you say. It definitely will be hard to plan and fill up your schedule when you're not sure if you will need to cancel something or back out at the last moment, but do it anyway. Take the job you're not sure will work because you don't really still want to be around here next semester. Make plans for vacations and weekends. You need to live your life now and you will figure things out if you need to change them.
You will meet a lot of cool people, and enjoy that. Have fun seeing new places and doing new things. Learn something from everyone, even if it's a horrible date. Each date is one closer to the right one, and you can find some small merit in each person alone as well. You may not get along with someone, but every person has new perspectives and things to share; listen to them and add what they have to offer to your repertoire of knowledge and random facts.
Be cautious though. Some people may not have your best interests in mind, whatever they tell you. They may think they do, have convinced themselves they do, but ultimately, they don't care if they crush you. You will struggle to find the balance of protecting your heart and giving it over to another so you can try to make sense of a relationship with him. There is no right way to do it; just be true to yourself.
You will get your heart broken, a few times actually. Don't be hard on yourself about that pain. It's natural and normal, and it will ultimately make you stronger. You can't fight it. Love freely; you have to make your own mistakes and follow down those relationships. Even after you get hurt, don't be scared to put yourself out there and take chances, it's the only way you can truly connect and create a deep meaningful relationship with someone.
Stop caring what everyone else thinks or says. This is your life, and you decide how to live it. Don't buy into "nebach she's still single" stereotypes and stigmas. People can think and assume whatever they want, but just as you won't know why you're not married yet, neither do they. It doesn't matter what they think. You're awesome, and you have the same capabilities as anyone who is married. People unknowingly blind themselves with stupid stigmas and assumptions. Don't fall into that same close-minded trap. Challenge yourself every day; take stock of your beliefs and expectations.
Keep fighting and be yourself. Don't give up on things that are important to you. Believe that you deserve the best, and you will get it. Remember that it's okay to be angry, but realize that "anger is sad's bodyguard." The only way through sadness is actually through. Sadness is uncomfortable, but it's okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. Don't try to escape it. You will learn a lot about yourself throughout this process, and it will ultimately make you into a better person. Don't give that up just because it's hard. You don't have a choice how long the journey will be, so sit back and try to make the best of the ride.
Happy traveling!
You are about to embark on an exciting new journey. I know you're hoping (thinking) that this excursion will be short lived and you will find the right one easily and soon. The truth is, life itself is a journey, and everything you're about to experience is just the beginning. You're closing the door on an era of innocence and naïveté, and you're entering into unknown waters. You will learn a lot, but the price it comes along with is lots of pain, heartbreak, confusion, and fear. You will have to push limits, drawing on strengths you never knew you had.
I tell you this not to scare you, but to prepare you. You will need to hang onto your hat, and dig deep for that brave face, perseverance, and continue working on that emunah. I know you think you're in a great place with that after an amazing year and new perspectives you gained in seminary, but it will be challenged, a lot, over and over again. It's preparation for the rest of your life. Nothing is a guarantee, and you will learn quickly that Hashem is really in charge. You have to continue to believe that He has a plan for you, and He knows what He's doing. Don't try to drive the bus.
I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of living your life waiting for something to happen. Please don't do that. Even after awhile when you have something you feel like is the next step, something you're living for, when you feel like life is on pause, so much else will seem lifeless. When that happens go out and find things that make you happy now. Take up new hobbies, get involved in community projects, tap into your strengths to make the world around you a better place. Do what you have control over. Draw on your resources. Resilient people get through challenges by believing that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. They draw on social support and reach out to others.
Don't wait around because you don't know when you will have to go on a date or when you will get married and perhaps move away. I know how much you hate cancelling, backing out, and not being able to follow through on things you say. It definitely will be hard to plan and fill up your schedule when you're not sure if you will need to cancel something or back out at the last moment, but do it anyway. Take the job you're not sure will work because you don't really still want to be around here next semester. Make plans for vacations and weekends. You need to live your life now and you will figure things out if you need to change them.
You will meet a lot of cool people, and enjoy that. Have fun seeing new places and doing new things. Learn something from everyone, even if it's a horrible date. Each date is one closer to the right one, and you can find some small merit in each person alone as well. You may not get along with someone, but every person has new perspectives and things to share; listen to them and add what they have to offer to your repertoire of knowledge and random facts.
Be cautious though. Some people may not have your best interests in mind, whatever they tell you. They may think they do, have convinced themselves they do, but ultimately, they don't care if they crush you. You will struggle to find the balance of protecting your heart and giving it over to another so you can try to make sense of a relationship with him. There is no right way to do it; just be true to yourself.
You will get your heart broken, a few times actually. Don't be hard on yourself about that pain. It's natural and normal, and it will ultimately make you stronger. You can't fight it. Love freely; you have to make your own mistakes and follow down those relationships. Even after you get hurt, don't be scared to put yourself out there and take chances, it's the only way you can truly connect and create a deep meaningful relationship with someone.
Stop caring what everyone else thinks or says. This is your life, and you decide how to live it. Don't buy into "nebach she's still single" stereotypes and stigmas. People can think and assume whatever they want, but just as you won't know why you're not married yet, neither do they. It doesn't matter what they think. You're awesome, and you have the same capabilities as anyone who is married. People unknowingly blind themselves with stupid stigmas and assumptions. Don't fall into that same close-minded trap. Challenge yourself every day; take stock of your beliefs and expectations.
Keep fighting and be yourself. Don't give up on things that are important to you. Believe that you deserve the best, and you will get it. Remember that it's okay to be angry, but realize that "anger is sad's bodyguard." The only way through sadness is actually through. Sadness is uncomfortable, but it's okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. Don't try to escape it. You will learn a lot about yourself throughout this process, and it will ultimately make you into a better person. Don't give that up just because it's hard. You don't have a choice how long the journey will be, so sit back and try to make the best of the ride.
Happy traveling!
Friday, September 16, 2016
What I've Learned About Being an Empath
I think I am an Empath; I portray many characteristics of being an Empath. I feel others pain, and it takes conscious effort for me to not absorb or try to fix it. In relationships I often to try to put other people first, as others' happiness is important to me as my own. My relationships can get intense fast, because I read other people's energy and emotion, and I desire to connect on a deep level. I connect with people who are suffering, and I want to heal and help them. I have an inquisitive mind, always looking for answers, analyzing and theorizing. I want to understand things, and I follow down explanations and answers. I'm creative and passionate; I love designing, crafting, art, nature, music, acting. I like uncluttered space, as disarray clutters my psyche. I hate when people are put down or bullied, even inadvertently. I'm very sensory, and certain repetitive sounds, smells, and even textures bother me. I like to think of my self as a life-seeker, an adventurer, always up for the next challenge. Being an empath is a blessing and a curse.
I need to constantly remind myself that I cannot fix people. People can only fix themselves. I need to remember that validation doesn't come from others' entrusting me with their feelings/pain. I do not need to "take care" of anyone. I need to live authentically and cannot live beneath anyone's manipulation/charm. My heart is open, maybe too open, so please if I entrust you with it, please don't take advantage of me.
I need to constantly remind myself that I cannot fix people. People can only fix themselves. I need to remember that validation doesn't come from others' entrusting me with their feelings/pain. I do not need to "take care" of anyone. I need to live authentically and cannot live beneath anyone's manipulation/charm. My heart is open, maybe too open, so please if I entrust you with it, please don't take advantage of me.
Read about the Toxic Attraction Between Empaths and Narcissists
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
My Life As The Bachelorette
I feel like my life is a never ending season of a dating show. Every so often a new guy gets introduced and gets his chance to try to win my heart. We go on dates, some good ones, some bad ones. I give out my roses, choosing who to keep and who to send home. Some hearts get broken, including my own, and we go on playing the game week after week, year after year.
Of course there's drama, as in every good dating show there is. Sometimes it's the superbly fake canned lines daters use to try to woo me, sometimes it's the lack of game and the ones that go straight for the stab without stopping to find out how I feel first. It's the yawningly boring dates that stretch out late into the night as I try to find some common ground as we debate why Trump could never run the country or why it's so important to like what you do professionally. Sometimes it's the ones I've sent home or who have rejected me that come back for another shot. There's always a story, and I'm stuck in the middle of it.
Will there ever be the happily ever after? Who will receive the final rose?
Of course there's drama, as in every good dating show there is. Sometimes it's the superbly fake canned lines daters use to try to woo me, sometimes it's the lack of game and the ones that go straight for the stab without stopping to find out how I feel first. It's the yawningly boring dates that stretch out late into the night as I try to find some common ground as we debate why Trump could never run the country or why it's so important to like what you do professionally. Sometimes it's the ones I've sent home or who have rejected me that come back for another shot. There's always a story, and I'm stuck in the middle of it.
Will there ever be the happily ever after? Who will receive the final rose?
Monday, September 12, 2016
Just Someone I Used to Know
We broke up amicably enough. We liked each other, we clicked, we had a lot in common, but for whatever reasons things just couldn't work between us. We were close, we leaned on each other emotionally. I let you in, and you knew me, really knew me; I felt like I knew you too. We were happy together. Things felt good when were together. We so enjoyed each other's company; I felt safe with you.
You said we could still be friends. Of course we couldn't; there isn't room for intergender non-platonic relationships within our worlds.
And now when I see you, you treat me like it never happened, like we were nothing. You treat me like a stranger. We were close, at least I thought we were, and now I don't know you.
Did you have to cheapen what we had? We don't have to talk, but you didn't have to put up a wall. You don't have to pretend like we didn't share the experiences and conversations that we did.
There is a level in which you have a close friend that you don't talk to frequently. I get why that would be hard. Couldn't we just have pretended that we were walking that line?
Now I'm thinking that maybe I misunderstood you all along. Maybe we never really wanted the same thing out of a relationship. Did I ever really know you? Were you ever going to truly let me in? Why do you hold your cards so close to your vest?
It hurts.
You said we could still be friends. Of course we couldn't; there isn't room for intergender non-platonic relationships within our worlds.
And now when I see you, you treat me like it never happened, like we were nothing. You treat me like a stranger. We were close, at least I thought we were, and now I don't know you.
Did you have to cheapen what we had? We don't have to talk, but you didn't have to put up a wall. You don't have to pretend like we didn't share the experiences and conversations that we did.
There is a level in which you have a close friend that you don't talk to frequently. I get why that would be hard. Couldn't we just have pretended that we were walking that line?
Now I'm thinking that maybe I misunderstood you all along. Maybe we never really wanted the same thing out of a relationship. Did I ever really know you? Were you ever going to truly let me in? Why do you hold your cards so close to your vest?
It hurts.
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