Singing Some Songs

Below, shidduch song parodies in honor of Littlest Jellybean's birthday, shared here for your amusement. Please note, some PJs involved, and birthday party festivities add to the entertainment value. 

TTO: You’re a Grand Old Flag

It’s a brand new batch

You’re a high flying catch

Forever a piece you’ll remain

You’re a jellybean of

The LLC we love

That keeps us from going insane

As the years go by

And the suggestions are dry

We can’t wait ’til it’s all in the bag

Let all the dating be forgot

Keep your eye on that pink ol’ flag

___

TTO: Benny Friedman’s Fulfill Your Tefillah

Hey my friends listen up

I know these times are really tough

We’ve had our fair share amount of pain

But dear friends don’t give up

The finish line is mamash utt

Get your bottle ready of champagne

Hey there friends listen here

I know you’ve waited year by year

Don’t ever think your tefillos are in vain

For my friends it is clear your shidduch is very near

For a bas kol called out his name

CHORUS (2x)

It is getting clearer clearer

He’s coming nearer nearer

You can be sure

He’ll be knocking at your door

So let your heart cry

Your prayers will bring the guy

We know for sure

Cuz that’s what we are waiting for

And dear friends we all know

It happens to all of us

Our friends get married one by one

But our dates they come, they go

We’re still here left to show

The right one will come we know

So my friends when you’re alone

Know you’re loved, not on your own

As sisters we feel you, hear your cry

For kol yisroel areivim and kol yisroel chaveirim

We’ll be with you ’til all your tears are dry

CHORUS - 1x

You will acquire

All you desire

All you require

So pray, so pray with fire

So listen friends

We’ll make the tekufah end

If we pray from our soul

Hashem is bound to hear our kol

CHORUS - 2x

____

TTO: Frozen’s Do You Want To Build A Snowman

Do you want to find a husband?

Come on you have to date

No more you swore

He’s at your door

It's not like you to run away...

You used to be elated

And now you’re not

I wish we could find your guy!

Do you find a husband?

It doesn't have to be a shidduch

<<Go away>>

Okay, bye...

Do you want to find a husband?

Or just stew in all the pain

I think some dating is overdue

You might start talking to

the guys that are insane

(Hang in there, friend!)

It gets a little lonely

All these empty dreams

Just watching the hours tick by

(Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock)

Please, I know you're out there

I’m wondering where you’ve gone

They say "have courage," and I'm trying to

I'm waiting (for) you, just c’mon!

We will have each other

Just you and me

What am I gonna do?

I want to find my husband

Where are you?

____

TTO: Newsies’ Seize the Day

Open your door and face your date

Don't be afraid of what’s your fate

Nothing can break you

No one can make you

Give your dreams away

Arise and face your date

Now is the time to give it your all

You’ve checked him out and made all the calls

Yes you may be jaded

Excitement all faded

But please just go on the date

Friend you’ll be friendless, go on the date

Give up the doubt and don’t you wait

Talk to the shadchan

Although it is not fun

Face him, go on the date

It could be a neighbor

It could be his son

One or all, it only takes one

Open your door and face your date

Don't be afraid of what’s your fate

Don't run away, don't abdicate

Don't run away and don't abdicate

Nothing can break you

No one can make you

Give your dreams away

Don’t you belabor

It’s only begun

Just one date, he may be the one!

Flirting With The Truth

He was telling me that he had a negative impression of a specific characteristic that could be used in a description of me. Almost taking it personally, I replied, "Well, I certainly hope I can change your mind about that." "Oh, you already are," he rejoined.

That was on our second date. Many many dates later, after we'd debriefed and established that we had not liked each other from the get-go, I asked him, "Why did you say that to me if you didn't even like me back then?" "Ah, you know," he responded, "I'm just a flirt."

Flirting essentially sends a message to the recipient of the flirtation that A - "I'm interested in you," and/or B - "I want you to be interested in me." Generally flirting is meant to flatter the person being flirted with. It's a message that sometimes says that the person is interested in a deeper/closer relationship, or, on the flipside, it shows superficial interest, a tease, playful banter, usually for amusement purposes. Flirting can also be driven by ego or esteem need, a reinforcement of self image.

To some people flirting comes automatically. They know what they want, and they're not afraid to express it. It's the extended eye contact, the slow smile or smirk, wink, facial expressions, mimicking body language and communication style, compliments, paying attention to what's important to that person and asking about it...

Flirtation is not always attraction-driven, occasionally it's the unwillingness to be genuine or vulnerable, always staying at superficial, putting on a show, holding the world at arms length. Sometimes it's a form of manipulation, drawing someone in to get what you want.

The art of flirtation lies in its ambiguity. As long as it's not serious, you can emotionally step out at any moment. It can take the edge off of something you meant seriously but wasn't sure how was going to be received. If conveyed teasingly, you can always play it off as a joke.

Flirting is truly an art form: it can be this titillating slow dance, or it can be the ultimate chicken dance.

Checking Dor Yesharim

Because I usually ask for a Dor Yesharim number before a first date, I sometimes get funny questions. One guy wanted to know, "So are we compatible? This Dor Yesharim thing is so funny. It's this extra step when it's already so complicated to find out information about someone/even just make it to a first date. Like, you're finding out if we're physically compatible to have a family together. It's sort of awkward."

Checking Dor Yesharim is probably the easiest step in the whole process. Talking to this friend, that mentor, etc. etc., trusting that they're telling you the truth and not just looking out for the person you're asking about, as well as hoping that you have the same understanding of the terms you're using as you do (someone else's "yeshivish,""aidel," or even "open-minded" or "sweet" can be worlds apart from your own meaning) is a whole lot harder.

The whole "checking into" procedure is all about trying to establish compatibility. Checking Dor Yesharim is probably the most concrete way we can do that. It isn't awkward; we're dating for marriage/to have a family together. That's the goal here.

Yes, we're compatible, we wouldn't be on this date if not, but you can also give Dor Yesharim a call if you want.

I'm pretty sure I have good genes, because I've never had an issue with anyone; I've been proven compatible with every guy I've dated. The reason, though, that I check Dor Yesharim before starting to see someone is more logistics than anything else. If you don't check Dor Yesharim on the outset, then when do you decide to check it? When it's getting, but isn't quite yet, serious? Who decides when that is? Will it get awkward when you then ask for a Dor Yesharim number, because you're suggesting it's going somewhere? What if you forget or things move really quickly and you don't have a chance to determine genetic compatibility before it gets serious?

I think the point is to check Dor Yesharim before the relationship gets serious on the off chance that you're not compatible and you'll be devastated if you have to break it off because you're already emotional involved.

Why make things complicated if they can be simple?

Life's Roll Call: Being More Present

Reading about a study cited in the Journal of Positive Psychology regarding people who were asked to notice nature (take a picture of a nature object or scene in their daily routine, and think about how it made them feel), who then in turn reported higher levels (versus the control group) of positive affect and greater friendliness and connectedness with others, made me wonder if just being more present, in general, in our lives leads to these benefits as well.

Often I feel like we're so caught up in what's wrong in our lives. We focus on what we don't have, what we don't like, and what's wrong, because logically that would be the road towards recouping a loss. If you're not aware of what you're missing, you won't go looking for it. We subconsciously fixate on things, because it gives us an illusion of control. Letting go of this worry and only engaging in helpful productive behaviors is ultimately freeing. (What sort of benefit does fretting about when you'll get married or have a date afford you?)

We focus a lot on being single; we can't help it. In a relationship-infested world and marriage-oriented culture, being single makes you the odd one out. It's also often painful. However, if we tried to concentrate more on things outside of ourselves, be more present in our lives -- feeling the pain, processing it and then letting it go, would we be happier?

Dr. Dovid Lieberman, in his book How Free Will Works: The Blueprints to Take Charge of Your Life, Health and Happiness, talks about the concept of pain versus suffering. It's the same approach that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) uses. We can't control pain, it's a normal side effect of living, but we do decide if we suffer. If you try to avoid and/or numb pain, you end up suffering. Suffering is what you layer on that pain. What is the narrative you're telling yourself? Is it making the pain worse?

Being more present, noticing and accepting positive and negative things, will likely increase our positive affect, friendliness and connectedness to others.

Digitally Stalking An Ex

Amit it, we're all probably guilty of this to varying degrees. Whether it's obsessively checking simcha websites to see when someone you dated gets engaged, or it's full on visiting their Facebook page and/or other social media. It's the day and age in which you can still "stay in the loop" about someone even if you don't talk to him/her or have any mutual friends to keep you updated.

What sort or satisfaction do we get from digitally checking up on an ex though? Does it feel like we're still connected to the person in some way if we watch as he updates his social media? Is it that we just can't let go, so we need to know what the person is up to?

In situations in which it was a serious relationship/break up, I think feeding into this obsession is unhealthy and it infringes on healing. It's really hard to move forward when you have reminders about this person in your face/at your fingertips all the time. Perhaps it isn't exactly "out of sight, out of mind," but it definitely does work the opposite way, "in your sight, on your mind."

As hard as it is, when you're trying to get over someone, get rid of all the things that remind you of him/her. Somethings you can't really help because they may be places you go or songs that come on, and you might listen for minute before you change it. After awhile you'll realize that your mind is clearer and you haven't thought about him/her for awhile. Just a little bit stronger...

Dating Dos and Don'ts

I'm by no means the authority on dating rules, but here's a short compilation of my own reflections regarding "in-date" moves in this dating game.

🙅🏻  Don't mention the future (between you and your date) when you've only just met the person and have no idea where it's going.

While I was on a date with a fellow, he made a reference to his mother's Pesach cookies. "They're so good, you really can't tell they're not chometz," he said, "You'll see." 

Um, will I? It was a second date, in January.

🙅🏻  On the flipside, you don't need to keep prefacing statements with "If we're still dating..." when talking about the future with someone you've been dating for a bit. It's obvious that these things will only take place if you're still dating, and they won't if you're not.

I was dating someone for awhile, and he kept making references to all the things he wanted to do together "if we were still dating." It was almost as if saying I exist in his future was a commitment of sorts he wasn't ready to make.

🙆🏻  If you're in the position that you're responsible for planning the date, have something in mind to do. You don't need to have it planned out from start to finish, nor do you need twenty different options, but please, pretend that you gave it some thought. It means that you respect the other person and this process.

Reference Mr. I'm-Going-Snowboarding in the sixth paragraph of this post.

🙅🏻  Don't always take your date to a hotel. It's this weird thing we do, haunt hotel lounges. Is it because we need a public place to hang out? Are we too cheap to go to places that cost money? Are we just not creative enough to figure out where to go on a date?

Back in the early days, I went out with a guy twelve times. Ten of those dates were to hotel lounges/lobbies. It was great in the sense that we got to know that we could entertain each other with just our intellect/conversation, but beyond that it was incredibly flawed. 

Nowadays even one beginning hotel date is too much for me. If you need ideas, I'm happy to provide.

🙆🏻  Run date plans by your date. Especially if you're on her/his turf, there may be places that s/he's not comfortable going for whatever reason. It may be as simple as your pick of locale is somewhere where s/he may run into many people she would rather not while she's on a date, or perhaps there are other reasons depending on what the venue is.

One Friday afternoon a guy picked me up for a date. He thought he would take me somewhere nearby, because after all it was Friday and we didn't have a lot of time. His pick of location happened to have been somewhere where the entire frum community hangs out on Fridays. Normally I don't care about who I see while I'm on a date, but there are certain places you go with your date if want to make a statement that you're serious about this guy, so you don't care who sees you with him. 

🙆🏻  If you're eating or drinking something on a date, offer your date, the same thing you would do with a friend. It's impolite to get a drink for yourself but ignore the fact that you're with someone. Rookie mistake. Always think about the other person you're with.

There are too many examples of people not thinking about me, so I'll give you an example of someone who did it right. 

Seems like he stopped for a drink while filling up gas on his way to pick me up. He had gotten himself a drink, so he got one for me too and offered it to me when I got into his car. 

Another time, I had traveled to meet a guy for a date, and before I left to go home, he walked me to my car and gave me a care package for the ride back. It was a little awkward because he also asked me to let him know when I got home, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go out with him again. But even so, it was really sweet. 

🙅🏻 Be genuine, but match your transparency level to date number, how well you know your date and mutual comfort level in the relationship. Dating is much like real life. It's not socially appropriate or emotionally fair to spill your guts or air dirty laundry to someone you've only just said hello to. Once you've even just established a baseline, this changes accordingly. Pay attention to social cues.

Case in point, warning from the guy about his crush in the second to last paragraph here.  

Busy Busy

"It's sooo nice you're keeping busy," she cooed.

Yes, I am a girl with assorted hobbies; there are a lot of things I enjoy doing and engage in regularly. I'm always involved in various projects, and I fill up my time with numerous meaningful pursuits. I try not to come home from work, sit in the dark and cry because I'm not coming home to a husband and kids. I also don't like to sit around and watch TV/movies; it gets boring after awhile, and I just end up feeling like I'm wasting my time.

I like most things nature, and depending on the weather, I'm hiking, biking, climbing (@ItTakesALongTimeToBecomeYoung you still owe me a double black), and I have a fondness for water-sports. I fancy myself an amateur photographer, my photos mostly of landscapes/seascapes and other natural scenery. I dabble in photobook creation and video editing/making. Around Purim that becomes some serious scriptwriting/improv, acting, and Purim shpiel video production.

I have a penchant for all things crafty, and so I do a fair amount of DIY projects and crafting. Sometimes I make jewelry, and I'd love one day to maybe even learn how to sew professionally to actually create the styles I sketch. I design too, graphic design for flyers, cards, webpages, and the like, and I mess around in interior decorating, working with layouts, color schemes, and furnishings. Painting is therapeutic for me; I mostly work with acrylics on canvas (though on occasion it'll be watercolor, gouache, or oil paint), natural landscapes my muses for the most part. I've completed a wall mural or two as well.

Not sure if this counts as a hobby, but I'm the one planning parties, picking themes, finding venues, arranging/designing tables and centerpieces, and making up games. Working out is another pastime of mine, though that's mostly just to stay fit/healthy. I like cooking and sometimes baking too, always on the lookout for delicious new concoctions. I also read a fair amount, and I try to keep up on all things important. Nightly learning with a friend keeps me going too.

I do a lot of writing –– currently maintaining this blog, blogging occasionally for my professional website, writing a book, and laying the groundwork for a novel I'm planning to co-author. My writing has recently expanded to composing song (lyric)s, and I still pen and disseminate Torah thoughts for each chag.

Traveling and vacationing is on the list too, but I think I'd be able to put more pins in the map if I had a bulkier cash flow and a regular vacation buddy. Like every normal girl, I also like just chilling with friends and going shopping.

All of the aforementioned, plus spending time with family and friends, and working full-time, along with other random pursuits, keep my life pretty full.

Why is it because we're single, we're "keeping busy," but our married counterparts are just living their lives and filling it with productive enjoyable ventures?