Yom HaDin and Disengagement

It's that time of year again. Rosh Hashana is imminent, and we're right up against Yom Kippur. What kind of year did you have? What kind of year do you want? It's all decided right there and right then, as you struggle to stay focused on the words that you're saying and the words that you're trying to mean.

I was talking to a bunch of singles recently, and the overwhelming sentiment I was hearing over and over was how we all just feel so stuck. Each Rosh Hashana we daven, we think we do a good job storming the heavens letting G-d know that we really want to be connected to Him, that we really feel like we need to get married, and yet, we're still in the same place year after year, unattached and uninspired.

We've all but backed away a little bit. There is only so many times that you can ask the same thing with the same kind of intensity and not feel dejected when it doesn't bear fruit. We withdraw and numb ourselves from pain. When we feel like we don't belong, we distance ourselves. Let's be real, is there a place for singles in the frum community? Yiddishkeit is so much about family life (and rightfully so), so without a family, it's harder to feel motivated to stay part of all this.

There are so many levels here, but let's first talk about how when someone lets his challenge define him, he is likely to feel high levels of false guilt and shame, and he is more likely to disengage, cease caring, and stop contributing to society. 

In her book Daring Greatly, writer researcher Dr. Brene Brown explains that anxiety and fear take over when there is a high level of shame (feeling like you can't be who you're "supposed" to be), and people disengage and distance themselves from their community to protect themselves. This happens because the individual feels spurned and has little respect for the perceived perpetuators and system. Shame can drive people away from societal values, because these values hold little for them if they feel the community and system upholding them rejects them.

Another facet of this disengagement is how the further and further we get away from a structured learning environment, we let go of some values. We're no longer being spoon-fed, and it's up to us to continue to learn and grow, deciding who and what we want to be. It's a "Natural Evolution of Decay," as someone I once dated put it. 

This brings up the question of how fake must we be if as soon as we step outside the hallowed halls of our yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs do we fall prey to the corruption in the outside world? Honestly, I think what happens outside of structured learning says a lot more about who we are as people. The guy who's gone to college and is working every day yet still holds onto minyan, learning, etc, has done so much more for himself than the one warming the bench in the B"M and doing the same. You may wear a coat if you're in the Arctic, but you're not necessarily a coat-wearer unless you wear the coat at home too.

Many of us walk the fence hoping that our two worlds don't collide. Most of us are pretty successful at it too. The problem is when the secular environment becomes the place in which you feel more productive, as we gravitate towards things that make us feel good about ourselves. This is another reason why we retreat from Yiddishkeit values we may have once held non-negotiable. Said community brings pain, the other world is more comfortable.

It's going to be another year, and we have Rosh Hashana as a means to help us stay on track. Life isn't about comfort. What makes sense for you? Who do you want to be? Where is your train going this year? Hashem isn't a vindictive G-d; He really wants what is best for us. Sometimes, apparently, it's not what we think is easy. It's a new year, a new chance. Can you realign your priorities and figure out what's real and what's just a coping mechanism?

Fear of Silence

When I called him out on his babbling/rapidly switching from topic to topic, apparently to avoid any silences, he shared with me his theory on silence.

"There's a difference between silence of absence and silence of presence. This is only our third date; we don't have that dynamic yet of silence of presence."

In the vernacular we call it "awkward silence" and "comfortable silence." Awkward silence is when there's an unnatural pause in the conversation, generally because you're scrambling to figure out what to talk about. Comfortable silence is when you don't need to be talking and you can just enjoy the other person's company without noise.

If you've just met someone, there is a large chance that there will be silences in your conversation. Unless you "click" right away,  you're really just learning each others' language, interests, knowledge base, etc. For this reason, I've known people to come up with a list of topics to talk about before dates. I get it, if you get nervous or are not usually a good conversationalist, that may be a good idea. However, may I suggest that silence is okay? If you just follow the natural digression of a conversation and hit some silences along the way, that's totally fair.

Why are people so afraid of silence? I read somewhere recently (I can't remember where, so I don't know if it was a scientific source or a perhaps a pop culture one) that when we're in another's presence, as long as we're conversing, we're receiving cues of validation. When there's silence, we don't know what the other person is thinking, and it's easy to feel uncomfortable, anxious, and even rejected.

I use silence all the time, professionally, and personally. What's born out of silence can be very telling. Sometimes you learn more about someone than you would have had you decided to talk about you. Sometimes you hear what's really going on in someone's mind. Sometimes you learn that you really have nothing in common with the person sitting opposite you, because while you can practically talk for hours to most people about most topics, you can't seem to get any conversation started with this person.

Let go of the "what if's" and just try to be present. S/he's probably not thinking what you think s/he is. If you're feeling awkward, s/he probably is too. So, if the silence stretches too long, just say something funny to break the ice. Even a simple, "What are you thinking about/Penny for your thoughts?" usually does the trick.

Science Says Mutual Vulnerability Leads to Love: Does Shidduch Dating Give Us an Edge?

There's been a lot of buzz regarding psychologist Aron's 36 Questions experiment, which explores how to foster interpersonal closeness between two strangers. He proposes that having two people share increasingly personal information with each other mirrors the manner in which two people develop emotional intimacy. 

The study involves a heterosexual man and woman meeting for the first time in a lab. They sit together answering a series of personal questions, and then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The result? Six months later, the two participants got married.

The study's author explains, "One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure." In other words, vulnerability leads to closeness. By forcing people to be open and emotionally vulnerable with each other, this encourages closeness.

Mandy Len Catron writes an article for the NY Times, To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This, in which she relates her personal experience with Aron's 36 Questions. She tells how an old college buddy says to her, “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone?” They decided to give The 36 Questions a shot. Catron shares that her personal experiment taught her that love doesn't just happen to us; it's more malleable than you might think. She says,

It’s true you can’t choose who loves you . . . and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.

But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.

If all this is accurate, does the fast-paced, goal oriented style that we date engender vulnerability like Aron's Questions? Are these feelings "real," or are we just confusing this intensity with "liking" the person? Is this feeling sustainable when real life kicks in? Can you really love anyone as long as some basic prerequisites are present?

Perhaps the fact that shidduch dating is just more focused is what's at play here. Maybe removing a large aspect of physical compatibility from the equation while dating helps to foster more genuine emotional closeness quicker.

Trust, emotional intimacy, comfortability, are all important in a relationship, but there are a lot of other things that are important in a "forever" relationship too. Perhaps those conditions aren't so basic, but if met, then yes, being able to be vulnerable with someone can definitely lead to what we kids call love nowadays.

Empty Nest

My last single friend (that I haven't made in the last year or so) is getting married today -- the last bird to fly from the nest. What was once a squawking blur of colorful feathers, now a quiet monotone of sticks.

Just like parents don't want to hold back their children from sprouting wings and flying the coop, I have no bitterness towards all my friends who have moved on without me. It's just a lonely lonely place without them.

Luckily, I've been blessed to meet some really cool chicks (pun intended) over the last year or so, and they're doing a great job keeping me company. Still, I just feel really left behind. Why have my wings been clipped? Why must I stay behind in the dirty sticks and earth?

So, I'll dance at her wedding, have a good time, and see her off into the sunset. I'm happy for her, but sad for me. Tinges of green.

The "Click" Feeling (vs. "Love at First Sight")

Ah, the elusive "click."

What is this "click"? Can it be cultivated or must it be present from the beginning? Is it enough to build a relationship on? Do you need this feeling to tie the knot?

Awhile back I remember talking to someone about what they are seeking in a spouse/relationship. "Basically," they told me, "a good normal person, someone I 'click' with. That's it."

The romantic in me understands this (to a point), but the logical rational analytical side of me tells me that there is something beneath this"click" feeling. Especially when you're dating shidduch-style (and you must answer over and over again "what are you 'looking for'?") it may be important and helpful to figure out your "recipe."

Based upon my own relationships, friendships included, I can say there are definitely people I click with right away, and there are some that take a bit longer, but we can have just as meaningful and comfortable of a relationship. There are some people that I remember feeling like I wanted to be friends with right when I met them, while other friendships were brought about by shared experiences, perspectives, and circumstance.

The "click" feeling I'm referring to is not "love at first sight." Sorry to be a bubble-burster, but that does not exist in real life. That, folks, is what we call lust, often engendered by all the wrong reasons, and it falls apart.

Dutton and Aron's 1974 Love on a Suspension Bridge experiment  in which people were approached on a suspension bridge swaying 250 feet in the air, and they were given the phone number of the assistant that had approached them, showed that these people followed up with the assistants more than their counterpart who were approached on a solid wood bridge just 10 feet above a calm brook. These results were attributed to the fear arousal that the first group of people felt as they crossed the suspension bridge, the feeling that was misinterpreted as romantic excitement. This is a good example of "love at first sight," a false sense of excitement that can be attributed to various things, usually which have little to do with developing a healthy relationship.

To take this idea a bit further, recognize how fledgling love is selfish. Because real love, mature love, inherently comes from giving to the other person, love for someone when you first meet him/her is more of a "I love how you make me feel." This can be built upon, but it is in no ways the love that a good relationship thrives on.

While this "click" feeling is something that is often confused as "love at first sight," in reality it's a level of attraction that is based on various factors, and perhaps, ultimately, comes down to chemistry and maybe even pheromones. Therefore, as I understand it, it can only be analyzed to a point, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

The "click" appeal in a relationship has a lot to do with feelings of comfortability, similarity, mutual trust, and effortless communication. In other words, people feel like they "talk the same language," meaning s/he feels like the other just "gets" him/her. Contributing factors to this include shared backgrounds, experiences, and/or similar Weltanschauung.

Under duress of a well-meaning shadchan -- I was asked to explain why I didn't get along with/didn't like a particular guy I had gone out with a few times -- I set out to understand what didn't work between this guy and me and why. On paper things seemed perfect, but in person, despite that he was seeing rainbows and hearts, I was extremely bored and just didn't feel like we connected at all. After analyzing his personality, my personality, what we both think we need, and our interactions, I came to an understanding that he just didn't have a particular attribute that is essential for me in any meaningful relationship. Because of this, I believe, I just didn't like him. I couldn't connect with him. My dating experience has taught me that there are specific characteristics that work for me and some that just don't.

I think had I dated this guy sometime earlier on in my shidduch career, I probably would have gone out with him longer and given things more of a chance to blossom. Because I now have more insight into all this, because I understand my "recipe" a bit better, I have a more accurate idea of what has the potential to work and what does not. (That's not to say that I don't still give guys a chance even if we don't click right away. Hey, I might surprise myself; I'm always trying to stay positive and open here!)

I know that when I'm in a relationship (that's working for us), I feel a certain sense of safety and security, as well as there is no concept of time, meaning we can spend hours together and not get bored of each other. These aren't aspects per se that I look for in a relationship, but when they're there, this for me is part of our "click." Everyone's "click" feeling is something different. Essentially it's a feeling of mutual attraction, understanding, and ease in the relationship.

Not everyone has this "click" initially with their spouse. It can be developed as trust, understanding, and comfortability grow. Because a majority of these are based upon logical things like shared hashkafos, goals, values, communication, etc., there is often a natural progression, an easiness, if you will, that affects this.

I've found too that not everyone will have this contentedness or easiness in their relationship even after awhile, and their decision to marry their spouse will come from a more logical place. Things match up, they can check aspects off their list (more on lists a different time!), so to speak, and it just makes sense.

Please please keep in mind that sometimes the person you fall for/like right away can be for all the wrong reasons, and you must pay attention to the logical aspects of the relationships as well. "Click" is not love, it's an easiness and comfort. Even if it is "love," love does not conquer all! Passion fades and then you're left with the technicalities. If you don't have shared goals and values it doesn't matter how much you like your spouse. On the other hand, it's super important that you really like the person you marry, because things change, and when push comes to shove and you have to work conflicts out, you need to have a solid foundation to be building from.

"Click" is a chemistry that is often promoted by mutual understanding and shared outlook. It's an easiness that comes from understanding each other, and it can be present from the beginning of a relationship, or it can be nurtured. "Click" doesn't always exist, and alone it's probably not enough to seal the deal.

What Sets Someone Apart As a "Good Shadchan"

Throughout my dating career, I've dealt with many different types of shadchanim, be them amateurs just getting their feet wet, friends or family members that had a shidduch idea and were acting as a go-between, or career shadchanim that are at any time working multiple matches.

There are a few basic rules that I feel anybody setting a couple up should abide by. First and foremost, you must be reachable! Once you set a shidduch in motion, you cannot drop the ball. I've been in situations where a shadchan didn't get back to me until two weeks after a date. I'd reached out to her multiple times in those two weeks, and she just didn't respond. Granted, in that scenario, I had called her immediately following the date and expressed my horror regarding how the guy had acted. She apparently didn't feel like she needed to follow up after having spoken to him, because there would be no second date. However, I needed the closure -- just a short phone call, text, or email letting me know what happened (and as I eventually found out, there was a "his side to the story," but it was too little too late).

In a similar situation, a friend's husband had set me up with a friend of his while I was in their city for the day. We had a fairly good meeting. It was supposed to be an hour --tops-- coffee date, and we ended up stretching it to a little over two. We had gone into the date saying that we would meet, and if we both thought it had potential, we would exchange resumes/profiles and take it from there. Following the date, we both said we had enjoyed each others' company and we were interested in proceeding. To me this meant that we would continue dating and we could "do research" about the other person while we did this. I waited for about a week before my friend's husband got back to me (I had to chase him down). He said, "Someone else in his city came up in the mean time, so I guess that means he doesn't want to pursue this right now." You really made me wait a week to tell me he's not interested? To this day I'm not sure if my friend's husband made up that response to try to "soften the blow" that he didn't want to date me, or what. Just be upfront, be honest, and please be timely! I could have been pursuing something/someone else that whole week.

The best case scenario is when the shadchan touches base with the girl within a few hours following the date, or the next morning. It's protocol for the shadchan to talk to the guy first. If he doesn't get in touch, then as the shadchan, reach out to him and find out what he thought and if he wants to go out again. Then, call the girl.

Especially if the couple hasn't exchanged phone numbers, it's important for the shadchan to be accessible in the scenario the guy or girl is going to be late, gets lost, or can't seem to find the location where they're meeting.

A good shadchan is on top of times, locations, and other logistical details. I've been in situations where, for whatever reason, the shadchan told one of us the wrong time, and either the guy came to pick me up fifteen minutes early (poor parents, they had to entertain him, because I was not ready), or he was waiting for me in a hotel lobby for a half hour, because the shadchan never updated me on a time change.

It is possible for a go-between to "ruin" a shidduch. I can't remember exactly what went down in this particular case, but I do know that there was a situation in which there was a misunderstanding regarding who was traveling for the date. In the end, I think I just gave in and went to him (even though I  think I had traveled for the last two dates as well), but not without some resentment. The whole situation could have been avoided had there been better communication and the shadchan not assumed anything, nor told either one of us what the other had "said," as neither of us had said any such thing. This wasn't the reason we ultimately broke up, but it sure colored it for both of us.

Another aspect of open communication is, despite how uncomfortable it may be, to extend the courtesy of letting someone know if your suggestion declined interest in going out altogether. Meaning, if you mention an idea to someone, letting him know that you're redting the suggestion, and consequently the other party says s/he isn't interested, it's a nice practice to let the other person know this so he isn't wondering what's going on.

On a different note, I understand why a shadchan would "push" a shidduch, because admittedly, sometimes singles have stupid hangups and they need to be encouraged. Encouraged, not coerced! A good shadchan will help a single explore what's holding her back or turning her off. Sometimes one (more) date isn't a bad idea, but sometimes it is! There's enough internal pressure and desperation as it is, so please don't try to force anything.

Feedback is also crucial in a shidduch. There's one shadchan that I've worked with multiple times, and he always asks for feedback following a date. Sometimes it's annoying, because I don't always have feedback to share after a first or second date, or I don't really want to outline why I don't think the guy is for me, but it's helpful in other situations, especially when he shares the feedback from the guy.

As an aside, that's one of the positives in shidduch dating. Despite it making the relationship a little more superficial, there's a way to know what the other person is thinking/feeling about the relationship before you feel familiar enough to have that conversation with the person himself. It can be helpful in multiple ways.

Being a shadchan is sometimes a thankless job, especially when you spend a lot of time trying to convince people to go out and they don't want to/never "say yes" to your ideas. Sometimes you don't know what's right and how to proceed. I obviously don't have answers for that, but I do think that some of the things mentioned in this post can help pave the way for those shidduchim that do make it to first base, er, I mean first date.

Pink Flags: Everything Means Something

On our first date we had both grabbed bottled beverages. Like a gentleman on a first date, he paid for my drink as well as his own. Then, he snagged a straw for himself but failed to get one for me. Okay, no big deal, I'm capable of getting my own plastic-ware. Although, I would have gotten a straw for him had I been the one to get up first. On a later date, something spilled, when I mentioned it, he made some offhanded comment about "just having to deal with these things." Huh? I kind of meant, can you pass me some napkins that happened to be by your elbow?

Neither of these two instances are great cause for alarm, but they do mean something about him. Either he's sort of out to lunch, unaware of things and people around him, or he just doesn't see the need or value in taking care of someone or being chivalrous/considerate. He seemed to be a mentsch in so many other ways, that this left me scratching my head. I'm not saying that this a deal-breaker per se, but it speaks to who he is.

It's so important to pay attention to all the little things that happen on dates. A date, especially a beginning one, is the place where you are meant to put your best foot forward. If something happens on a date, it's likely to be a behavior, in an exacerbated kind of way, that will rear its head within a future relationship with said person. We're human, and we're not perfect, so these things don't mean "break up" with this person, but it does mean that these little cues are painting a picture of what type of behaviors or attitudes are his norm.

Dating, for me, has been a process of learning to trust my gut and instincts. If something feels off, feels wrong, it's not a smart idea to brush it off. Don't make excuses for people or rationalize hurtful things they say or do. If you have a feeling about something, pay attention to it.

Once, on a date, we were discussing winning the Powerball. He was saying that you can't win if you don't play, and I said that I don't have luck with lotteries, so my only chance of winning any money is if I marry him and he wins. I wasn't proposing to him, and I didn't mean anything by it, but he sort of freaked out and rejoined with, "If I win the Powerball, I'm not marrying you!"

I played it off; I even made excuses for him when I told the story over and got flak for not breaking up with him over that comment. In the end, it was a reflection of his true colors. We were dating for awhile and he said he was invested and saw a future together, but whenever I mentioned the words "marry" or "get engaged," he would change the subject. I should have realized then that he would break up with me out of nowhere the weekend before we were supposed to put a ring on things.

Likely, some flags aren't so pink, they're more vibrant, red flags, if you will, but we're blinded for whatever reason. Perhaps his personality is engaging, even though his middos leave much to be desired. Maybe it's his looks that are drawing you in, his reputation, or even it's an internal degree of desperation that is causing you to make bad judgements, because you really want to get married and share your life with someone.

I've had my fair share of neon signs crop up on dates telling me to stay away. Sometimes I've listened, and sometimes I've learned the hard way, working through a host of issues with the person before calling it quits when reaching a final impasse. Whether it was the guy who used hugely questionable, offensive even, language on a first date, or the fact that he creepily "warned" me within the first few minutes of meeting me that he once before dated someone he thought was similar to me in a specific aspect and had had a "mad crush" on her. Another glaring sign would be from the guy who, when I reached to adjust the temperature in his car, pushed my hand away. That wasn't even so much of a question of shomer negiya, but I wouldn't do that to a same-gender friend I had just met! Perhaps the one that takes the cake is the guy who when I questioned something I thought was stalker-ish that he'd said/did, he manipulated the conversation to make me seem like the crazy one, along with making fun of every opinion I had, and then proceeded to ask me out.

Talking to someone objective about your dating relationship and your interactions with someone is extremely prudent. It's not enough to share an overall sense of a relationship either; don't be afraid to get into all the nitty gritty, especially if there are things that are concerning you. Friends and family members can't always be objective, so seek out someone you respect who doesn't have otherwise vested interest in your life, a dating mentor of sorts. Remember though, only you can make the final decision, and only you will have to live with the consequences.