Who made up these rules anyway?
Is it a gender roles thing, the reality that it's his mitzvah to find his missing half, plain and simple old school gallantry, or is it something that's just become the norm? I'm referring to, of course, the fact that the guy runs the date.
He usually picks her up, unless they meet somewhere. He's generally responsible to organize the date (at least the first few). He plans on directing the conversation. He pays. He ends the date. Etc.
What if the girl wants to go home? Is it okay for her to say something?
The one time I ended a date, I didn't hear the end of it. It was a second date, which was quickly turning into a repetition of the first. I felt like I was running the conversation, and I was working hard. I can generally talk to anybody for long periods of time about anything, so when I feel like I'm stretching for discussion, it means we just don't click. After about three hours of that, it was late. I had work early the next morning, and I felt like we were wasting our time. After excusing myself and then returning, which I thought was hint enough that I wanted to leave, I asked him if he was ready to go.
He told the shadchan, "I want to go out again, I had a good time, but I don't think she wants to. She asked me to take her home." The shadchan was upset, my parents were upset, and everyone gave me flack for that one for days.
It's a lot of pressure, doing all this orchestrating and having to pick up subtle cues from a female too. Perhaps it would be easier if we just told our date what we want. I doubt a guy wants to keep a girl out under duress.
Although, with a different fellow on a first date once upon a time, the end of the night found us back in the lobby of the hotel where we had met up. It was another situation where it was late and I had at least an hour's drive home, and I wasn't particularly enjoying his company. I stopped responding as in depth, quit introducing new tangents to the conversation, and I just let the dialogue sort of peter out. After a beat or two of silence, he asked me, "What are you thinking?" I responded, "I'm thinking how it's late and I have to be at work tomorrow morning." No dice. His reply, "Well, I'm not sure what to do here, because I don't have to take you home. I'm enjoying your company, so I don't have to figure out how to end the date." We talked for a few more minutes and then I brought it up again, jokingly asking something along the lines of if he needed help to end the date. He told me that it's a big responsibility that he's not sure he could handle, and he again put it out there that he's not ready to depart from my company. At that point I told him that I would gladly take the responsibility of ending the date, stood up, thanked him for meeting me, and we parted ways.
So there's that.
A completely different guy I dated voiced that he's always surprised when a girl takes initiative/tells him what she wants to do on a date. Did you not just ask me if I wanted to go to that venue you suggested, or was that a pretense and I was just supposed to nod my head and agree?
We live in the 21st century. I'm not suggesting that I need to drive, pay, be in charge. In fact, I appreciate chivalry, for a guy to plan a date, open doors for me, and make sure I'm taken care of. I just don't understand why girls are oft bidden to be seen but not heard.
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