As aforementioned, although it seems counterintuitive, holding onto pain and resentment usually serves a purpose for us. In some ways we feel better knowing that we're not forgetting how someone hurt or wronged us. Forgiving feels akin to forgetting, and if we grant someone forgiveness, maybe what transpired becomes okay and it's as if it never happened.
Guess what, the other/s involved probably are not thinking about what occurred anymore! Because I was hurt, regardless of whether or not I remember and nurse this pain, it doesn't make the person/s who wronged me feel any better or worse. It only hurts me more.
The process of forgiving and letting things go starts by getting rid of frustrations with yourself and things that happened to you. Talking things out can be very cathartic and healing. Processing why you’re holding onto something and are unable to move past it can help you gain the insight you need to then shelve it and not allow it to define you anymore. Once you’ve figured out why something stung so much, you can begin the journey towards no longer allowing it to dictate who you are and affect how you perceive every relationship following that one.
Channeling your irritation and/or pain into a positive productive action is also helpful in getting rid of a frustration. Whether you decide to help others, or you just take care of something personal for yourself that you’ve been putting off for awhile, it’s a good way to not allow a frustrating situation hold you back, rather utilizing it to propel you forward. By doing this you’re focusing your frustration on something that you can control rather than allowing it to control you.
Expressing frustration via whatever creative outlet you have available to you is helpful too. Whether you journal, paint/draw, write music, blog, etc., this is a visual manifestation of your feelings, a physical reminder that you’ve officially off-loaded the frustration and it no longer needs to live rent free in your head.
Not only releasing frustration, but letting go of anger with yourself and others is another step in whittling away unresolved hurt. I'll tackle the former at greater length in Part Three, but let's discuss the latter. Take the time to understand where the anger is coming from. Are you really angry, or are you just sad? You can do this with the help of a journal (and/or the like), or a friend/mentor/therapist. It's important to take responsibility for your part of the situation, being honest about what role your actions played. If necessary and possible, attempt to have a non confrontational conversation with the offender about your feelings, or have a third party get involved. Try to understand the other person’s perspective; we all make mistakes and appreciate others’ understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Recognize that holding onto anger hurts you more than it hurts the person you are upset at. Make a conscious choice to let things go because you are seeking menuchas hanefesh.
Once you are able to let go of anger, anxiety, and stress, you open yourself up to receive more positive things in the future. In essence, you're wiping the grime off the lens through which you view the world and all future possibilities. Forgiving someone has more benefits for you than it does for the person you are forgiving.
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