Aseres Y'mei Teshuva = A Honeymoon Period: Does Dating Parallel Our Relationship with G-d During the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva?

Despite my earlier misgiving about this time of year and my capacity to connect with Yiddishkeit and G-d, I've come to realize these past few days of powering through, working extra hard to fight off obstacles, that I'm enjoying this closeness with Hashem. It's a lot of work, and I know I can't keep it up like this year-round, but for now it's working for me.

At this level, this might be a terrible analogy to dating and relationships. Taken at face value, this would mean that we put our best foot forward while dating someone, and then we let things slide after awhile when it gets too hard. In essence that would mean that the best period in your relationship is when you first start dating. Bear with me, this is only a portion of the comparison here.

Of course you must represent your best self when you begin dating someone. At the outset, when you're learning each other, there is no bigger picture to see, and each idiosyncrasy and pink flag gets judged on its own merit. There's a certain respect we show the other person by putting ourselves together and behaving (at least for the first couple of dates). It's similar to what you do for a job interview, or what we do during the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva.

It isn't fake. Borrowing mashalim that you've probably heard multiple times, you love the dirty smelly child after he comes home from a hot day playing in the mud the same as you love that child when he's fresh out of a bath. After the bath though, he's that much more cute and delicious. The kallah gets all made up and dresses to the nines for her wedding day even if a few years later she's wearing shmattas streaked in whatever the baby is eating, still struggling to lose the baby weight from her last pregnancy, no make up and no sheitel now her new face. We're showing what we can be when we put out our best effort.

Tangentially, it's important to be yourself while dating and not misrepresent yourself in the name of putting your best foot forward. It's still gotta be your own foot. For those that find dating intimidating and unnatural because you feel like you can't be yourself for this reason, I'm going to suggest that you loosen up a little. There's a difference between behaving and being stilted, but also, being genuine versus being socially inappropriate.

As a personal example, I was recently sharing an appetizer with a guy on a beginning date. He was using silverware. I said, "I feel like this is finger food." He responded, "It is," but continued using his fork and knife. I used my fingers. (I guess you can't really trust me to behave on dates; I'm just going to be myself.)

As for being genuine, that would refer to saying something like, "I had a really nice time tonight," or "To be honest with you, I was actually pretty nervous coming into this date." It puts it out there and you can feel better about it once s/he knows. Socially inappropriate would be to say to someone you've just met, "You know, I couldn't stop thinking about you since we spoke on the phone." There's something pathological and creepy about that. Keep it to yourself until you have an actual relationship with the person, and then if you must, you can share something like that with him/her.

Back to my point, while dating, and oftentimes a little while into a relationship, things are easy, cordial and passionate, and less work. As things get realer and deeper, it's not as easy, and a lot more work is required. This applies to the honeymoon phase of any situation really -- romantic, spiritual, medical, political, etc.

There are certain times in our lives that we experience quick (artificial) highs, which help us sense what can be ours, but the high is, in reality, just as elusive. It is fleeting and means nothing if it's not followed up by real work. A synthetic sense of exhilaration or euphoria only lasts as long as the agent does. If you want to make this feeling your own, you need to work for it.

This concept exists in many different forms within Torah Judaism. First and foremost, it reflects our relationship with Hashem. During the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva, Motzei Yom Kippur, or during other times of hisorerus, such as situations where we see blatant yad Hashem, we feel extremely close to G-d, but this feeling soon dissipates; we have a hard time maintaining this feeling of closeness. We want the happiness and intimacy of someone in a serious, loving, trusting, relationship, for this is the ultimate joy, but it's elusive. We have difficulty attaining this lasting authentic relationship with G-d. Thus, during the Yamim Noraim or at other times such as these that we feel heightened closeness to Hashem finds us asking ourselves what it's all worth; is it all merely a charade? Is the euphoria we feel during the beginning of a blossoming romantic relationship a sham?

Indeed, what holds us back from procuring this genuine relationship with Hashem? How do we create this authentic relationship with a potential marriage partner? We are able to experience superficial love without investment, but a real relationship requires work. As every relationship in this world is meant so we can understand some aspect of our relationship with G-d, let's speak first about what happens when two people fall head over heels for each other in the beginning of a relationship. Most of the time they believe that this infatuation will last forever. They think about the other person before they go to sleep at night, and s/he is the first thing they think about when they wake up in the morning. Everything in their life becomes about this other person. And, they reckon that this love will endure a lifetime. But it doesn't, and it's not meant to.

Rabbi Jeremy Kagan, in his book The Choice to Be: A Jewish Path to Self and Spirituality, explains that love in its raw form is selfish. It is about viewing the other as an extension of self. For there to be unification one needs to sacrifice part of his individuality. He is transformed from "single person" to "that in a relationship." You cannot chance upon real love, a genuine relationship. You can only find the potential for a real love; the relationship needs to be built. The infatuation, the inspiration, dissipates and the relationship then needs to be rebuilt.

This is not a negative thing; it is how it is meant to be. The original relationship serves the purpose of one becoming familiar with what is possible, and it works as a means to make it easier to reach that madreiga again. Rabbi Benzion Klatzko speaks about this concept. He calls it "Or Rishon" (first light) and "Or Sheini" (second light). He explains that or rishon is blinding, dazzling, very intense, but it doesn't last. Or sheini is not as intense. It's more soothing, more calm, more work to achieve, more incremental, but it has the potential to last a lifetime.

Kabbalas HaTorah was loud, monumentous. There were kolos u'vrakim, and Hashem Himself proclaimed the first dibrah. The people were so overcome, they fainted. But this didn't last! Forty days later Klal Yisroel was dancing around an egel. And then, we received the luchos sh'neiyos in a very quiet unassuming way. These we have until this very day. Another example, people get all inspired learning in Israel, be them baalei teshuva or run-of-the-mill sem girls and yeshiva guys. Very rarely does this fire stay, at least in its full glory. People come back to the States and it all but peters out. They might be doing the same things, davening, learning, doing chesed, but it just doesn't feel the same. Israel was or harishon, dazzling and intense, and later it's or hasheini, less flashy but more real, harder to attain but easier to hold onto.

Another better known example is how a fetus is taught kol hatorah kula while it is inside its mother's womb. Before the infant is born, the malach sent to teach the child taps the baby above the lip, and it forgets everything it was taught. The person then has to toil to relearn all that Torah during his lifetime.

Why doesn't or rishon last? What is the point of learning the whole Torah if it is to be forgotten only to be relearned? Rabbi Klatzko answers that or rishon is a gift, it carves out space within us for or sheini. Without or rishon we cannot attain or sheini. It is true for Torah, and it is true for relationships. When we experience what it is like to be "madly in love," feel extremely close to someone or something, it will keep us going when the going gets tough. We know what we're working for, because he once had it. Or rishon, unlike or sheini, cannot last because it wasn't worked for.

We can get close to Hashem and stay close to Him. We have this ability to follow it down, just as the honeymoon phase of a romantic relationship is not the end-all-and-be-all. We keep going, plugging away if we have to, because the relationship is important to us. Perhaps why we cannot feel the unadulterated happiness of true d'veikus to G-d is mostly because we do not invest enough, we get stuck somewhere, and we lose sight of where the road is and what our goal is. All relationships take work.