Forgiveness Part One: Seeking Forgiveness From Others

In another attempt to band-aid our bullet wound (the proverbial "Shidduch Crisis"), great people have spoken at some length regarding singles seeking mechila from anyone and everyone they've ever wronged. There have been frightening stories about people who have hurt others, often unintentionally, and until they face said people and pursue absolution, they remain single, childless, or in need of some yeshua.

Talking this over with some friends, we tried to understand how this works. Granted, if there is someone you've obviously aggrieved, of course, it's critical to apologize and seek his forgiveness. In situations like a broken engagement where there are a lot of variables involved, a shtar mechila is usually written up and signed by both parties. In much lesser situations, however, how do we know what is called for? Do I even know/remember everyone who may have been hurt by something I've said or done at some point in my entire life?

A friend of mine who has a particularly honest and forthright communication style asked, "So, does that mean I should call up every single person I've ever talked to and ask them for mechila, because maybe they're holding onto something I said at some point some time somewhere?"

A different friend who had a particularly thorny break-up with a guy, who even two years later, now married, doesn't seem to have gotten over it, asked her rabbi, citing this idea, whether she should follow down his forgiveness, perhaps have someone speak with him about what happened. Her rabbi told her,"Lots of people make themselves busy with this phenomenon."

All sarcasm aside, it isn't easy to humble ourselves to admit that we've done something wrong, hurt someone. We should live our lives trying not to hurt others' feelings, being aware of what we're doing and how other people receive these actions. When we do do something that hurts someone, even if we don't feel like it was wrong per se, it's a positive practice to sincerely seek someone's forgiveness. As it's not always appropriate to reach out personally, especially if it's a shidduch situation, you can utilize a third party to ask on your behalf. I always like to make it a practice to apologize when a relationship ends, no matter how clear cut it seems. You'd be surprised what people are holding onto.

I think it's also important to mention that you don't have to make yourself crazy about this. I'm obviously not qualified to pasken, so ask your own LOR, but there's enough desperation as is. Because you may have wronged someone in the past and you don't remember is probably not the reason why you're not married yet.