As the seasons change, the air gets crisper, and the trees shed their baggage, we too have a chance to enter into the new year with a slimmer, lighter pack on our metaphorical back. What happened to us in the past should have no bearing on what occurs in the future. We open ourselves up to receiving more positives if we create a vessel that is able and ready, available, to receive good.
As we approach the Day of Atonement, we seek pardon from G-d for all that we've committed this past year. We ask to be judged on the merit of what we've done right and all the good we will do in the future. We request a clean slate, a do-over of sorts.
Dating is a great opportunity to hurt people (unintentionally of course) and to get hurt. Relationships in general are situations that are ripe with circumstances in which people can/will experience emotional pain.
As I was "breaking up" with a guy once upon a time, he pointed out that "M'galgalin zechus al yeday zakai, v'chov al yeday chayav." The concept basically means that good things come about through good people, and the same is true for the opposite. I guess it was my mistake that as a means to soften the blow, and in hopes that he would take this break-up (after all of five dates) less personally, I told him, "Unfortunately, I'm pretty good at break-ups by now." He was expressing to me that I probably should take a look at myself if I'm constantly put in the position to hurt people.
At this point I've been on both the doling and receiving end too many time to count, so I'm not quite sure if his sentiment means anything. And, shidduchim isn't a chesed. You cannot keep dating someone just because you don't want to hurt his/her feelings, as that ends up hurting more...but I digress.
In this unique stage of our lives, we're placed in this corner all too often. It's part and parcel of the experience. Hopefully we can get through it without taking things too much to heart and move on from there. Sometimes we're not so lucky. Sometimes something that happens to us is too hard to let go just like that. Sometimes something we do to someone else is too hard for him/her to let go. Sometimes something that transpires is too hard for us to forgive ourselves for.
We hold onto pain and resentment in general because this fixation gives us an illusion of control. Perhaps we nurse the pain of a break-up because that’s the only thing we have left of the relationship, or maybe we stay angry at someone for something he did because that’s the only means of having a semblance of control in the situation, or we worry about an unknown in the future as an attempt to have some say over how it plays out.
The power and sense of identity that we get from holding onto things is born out of feeling like you’re right and someone or something else is wrong. If we let something go, it means that we'll forget, and it will be like it never happened; we're in essence making it okay. Playing the victim role also feels nice because you get others’ attention, love, and support, and maybe you’re even enjoying the pity party that’s happening inside your own head. Finally, staying in an uncomfortable feeling is uncomfortable, but it’s familiar and safe, allowing you to avoid venturing into unknown territory. While all those are nice temporarily, they hold you back from reaching your ideal goal.
I would like to explore (in my next few posts), one by one, the importance of, as well as the how-to's, involved with 1) Seeking forgiveness from others 2) Granting forgiveness to others 3) Forgiving ourselves.
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