Parshas Eikev

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

This week's parsha tells us "V'haya eikev tishmiun es hamishpatim...v'shamar Hashem Elokecha licha..." if you keep the mitzvos Hashem will watch over you and bestow you with kindness.

The Gemara in Kiddushin (39b) and in Eiruvin (22a) tells us that the reward for mitzvos is in the World to Come and we don't see reward in this world. Is this a contradiction to this pasuk?


The Zera Shimshon explains that if one just keeps the mitzvos out of a sense of obligation his reward is in the World to Come; however, if he goes above and beyond and does mitzvos because he loves Hashem and strives to be Godly person, he will see rewards of this in this world.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Eikev

Parshas V'eschanan

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

This week's parsha talks about observing mitzvos and following all that Hashem has commanded us. The Zera Shimshon brings a Gemara in Avoda Zara (3a), which states that now is the time to do mitzvos, because one will no longer be able to do mitzvos in the World to Come.

The main avoda of this world is -- in the words of the Zera Shimshon -- to be borer, to differentiate between good and evil. On Shabbos borer is not allowed. The World to Come will be completely Shabbos-like. Additionally, borer is often done with a utensil, a more effective way to separate good and bad; Torah is our utensil to differentiate between good and evil.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas V'eschanan

Parshas Devarim

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Rashi tells us that the mussar Bnei Yisroel receive in this week's Parsha is regarding the maan ("...Bein Tofel v'Lavan..." -- there is no such place, rather it's referring to the lavan - white maan) about which they complained regarding its whiteness. 

In Behaaloscha it explains that they complained that for all the traveling they wanted something substantial to eat to revive their spirits. The Zera Shimshon brings a Gemara in Shabbos that talks about how someone who has bloodletting done should eat meat and drink wine to bring back their nefesh and restore the redness of the blood they lost. Although the maan was easily the most amazing food, and it could taste like anything, they wanted actual meat.

The mussar is speaking to their ingratitude regarding the whiteness of the maan. The Zera Shimshon brings a Gemara in Kesubos that talks about the importance of a smile, showing the whiteness of one's teeth, and how it's worth more than a cup of milk, sustenance. Moshe Rabbeinu is giving Bnei Yisroel mussar for not appreciating the smile Hashem was giving them, the white of the maan, instead they wanted the red, the sustenance. They failed to see the good in what they had.

We learn from this how easy it is to overlook the good that we have in favor of what we think might be better for us.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Devarim

Parshios Matos-Masei

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Matos

Moshe speaks to the heads of the shvatim, and the mefarshim tell us that the Shechinah spoke directly through his throat unlike other prophets. With other neviim it says "so says Hashem," but with Moshe he says, "this is the word of Hashem."

The Zera Shimshon cites the Amudeh Shivah who quotes the Rama M'Pano who tells us that every neshama in the universe was part of Adam HaRishon (some in his mouth, some in his brain, some in other parts of his body). Thus, every neshama recieved some enjoyment from the cheit of him eating from the Eitz HaDaas and was damaged spiritually. Moshe Rabbeinu was also part of Adam Harishon; however, his neshama was in Adama's trachea (not his esophagus that would have received enjoyment from eating the forbidden fruit). As Adam's trachea received no enjoyment from the fruit, Moshe's neshama was purer, and the Shechinah was able to be projected from Moshe's throat. 

Masei

The pasuk tells us that Bnei Yisroel journeyed from Ramses and they went forth "b'yad ramma," an upraised hand. The Zera Shimshon asks why the Torah says an upraised hand rather than a "strong hand" like it says in many other places.

He answers that different wordage is used to described different types of neisim. "A strong hand" refers to a physical miracle. "An upraised hand" refers to a spiritual miracle.

At the time that the Jewish people were leaving Ramses, the Egyptians were burying their firstborns, which the pasuk tells us Hashem had struck, as well as inflicting punishments on the Egyptians' gods. Hashem had proved, k'vyachol, His power over all their avoda zara and thus it was a spiritual show of His greatness, not a physical one.


Source: Zera Shimshon Parshios Matos, Masei

Parshas Pinchas

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Midrash in this week's parsha tells us that as a reward for killing Zimri, Hashem granted Pinchas "great peace." The Zera Shimshon asks why it doesn't say "Pinchas was great and was given the gift of peace," why does it emphasize that the peace was "great"?

The Zera Shimshon brings another Midrash in this parsha that explains that peace is so powerful that even if Klal Yisroel were to be worshipping avoda zara the Satan would not be able to harm them. From this it is extrapolated that peace impedes the Satan's capabilities. (We therefore daven every day that we should have peace and with it the ultimate salvation. Peace is so important!)

This is all referring to regular peace, says the Zera Shimshon. The peace that Pinchas was rewarded was the ultimate peace, utmost protection from the Satan. Pinchas was transformed into a malach and therefore the Satan no longer had any power over him, because death was no longer a factor for him.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Pinchas

Parshas Balak

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The pasuk tells us "Those that you bless are blessed, and whom you curse will be cursed." The question is why there are two different tenses –– bless in present tense and curse in future.

The Zera Shimshon says that when giving a bracha the blessing is immediate; Bilaam's bracha was immediate. A curse, however, is delayed and takes place at a point in the future, thus the tense is future.

He brings the example of Moshe Rabbeinu when Hashem told him to put his hand into his cloak and when he took it out it was covered in tzaraas. He then put it back into his cloak and before he even took it out it was back to normal. It only turned leprous with tzaraas after he took it out of his cloak, but already it was healed when he returned his hand to inside his cloak even before removing it for a second time. This is because blessing happens immediately, and a curse is delayed.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Balak

Parshas Chukas

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Rashi in Bamidbar tells us that Miriam HaNaviah's death is written about after the section regarding Parah Adumah to tell us that the death of a tzadik(es) atones for sins the same way a Parah Adumah does.

The Zera Shimshon asks if this is so, why doesn't the Torah write about Miriam's death after the section regarding karbanos that atone for sins (like the chatas) rather than the Parah Aduma which effectively "just" makes those impure pure?

He explains that talking about the death of Miriam after Parah Aduma teaches us an added condition. It isn't just the death of the tzadik that atones, just as with the Parah Aduma the person doesn't just become pure solely from the Kohen sprinkling the ashes. With the Parah Aduma, the person has to not only have the Kohen purify him by sprinkling him with the ashes mixed with water, he must also act on his own behalf and go to the mikveh. We learn too that the death of a tzadik does not automatically bring atonement. The people must also internalize the pain from the loss of such a great person, and this pain will bring them to do teshuva. The teshuva, the people acting on their own behalf, will bring the atonement.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Chukas

Parshas Korach

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

In this week's parsha we learn about Machlokes Korach, and the Torah tells us "Lo yeheyeh k'Korach v'adaso kasher dibear Hashem b'yad Moshe lo." "Do not be like Korach and his congregation, as Hashem spoke regarding him through the hands of Moshe.

The Zera Shimshon quotes the Reish Lakish who says, "We learn from here that it is forbidden to involve oneself in an argument." Rav said "Anyone who chooses to involve himself in an argument is guilty of the negative transgression of 'Do not be like Korach and his congregation'."

Rav Ashi takes this further and says that anyone who involves himself in an argument deserves to be stricken with tzaraas. What's the connection? We see that tzaraas befalls one who speaks lashon hara, but how does it connect to machlokes?

Each person is created in the image of G-d and has part of the Shechinah within him. When someone speaks badly about someone it is as if he insulted the piece of the Shechinah in him. Similarly, someone who willingly involves himself in a machlokes and brings shame to others besmirches their tzelem Elokim (piece of G-d). Machlokes is similar to lashon hara in that they both cause someone to lose their tzelem Elokim.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Korach

Parshas Shelach

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Before the miraglim went into Eretz Yisroel Moshe changed Yehoshua’s name to give him extra shmeira and Divine Assistance. The Zera Shimshon asks why Moshe didn’t change the names of all the miraglim, only his student Hoshea?

The Arizal says that when the miraglim went into Eretz Yisroel they were given the neshamos of the shevatim. Every spy was given the neshama of the progenitor of his shevet. The shevet of Levi did not send a spy because they were not going to be given a nachala in Eretz Yisroel. However, Yehoshua bin Nun, from shevet Ephraim, received the neshama of Levi enabling the spy of shevet Menashe to receive the neshama of Yosef.

Were Yehoshua to sin while he were in Eretz Yisroel, he would leave a blemish on the neshama of shevet Levi. Therefore, Moshe Rabenu changed his name to give him Divine Assistance.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Shelach

Parshas Bahaaloscha

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Moshe cries out for his tzaraas-stricken sister: "Heal her, please G-d," he entreats. Rashi asks why add the words "Please G-d," and explains that it teaches us that whenever someone is asking for something he should add pleasant words while making a request.

The Zera Shimshon expounds that it is important to always conduct conversations with derech eretz especially when asking for something.

The Torah tells us that Moshe screams out to Hashem, but the Gemara in Brachos (24b) tells us that someone who raises his voice during davening is following in the way of a navi sheker. This teaches us that we're supposed to daven quietly.

The Rema, however, tells us that one is allowed to raise his voice in prayer in order to teach his children how to daven.

The Ohr HaChaim points out that the pasuk uses the lashon of "leimor," which means to tell over. Whenever the pasuk says "leimor" it means it is a lesson in some way for Bnei Yisroel. This is why Moshe Rabbeinu cried out in a loud voice and used these words of "Please G-d." It was to teach us a lesson about how we should daven by displaying derech eretz while making a request.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Bahaaloscha

The End (of the Beginning)

For my blog this may be the end, but as for me, it is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end. It is simply the end of the beginning.

At some points, I must admit, I wasn't sure if I would make it here, stuck running the hamster wheel, trying hard not to be living in a beginning.

If this proves anything though, it can and will happen. It just needs to be the right time. Maybe there was just so much hishtadlus to do before we could get here. Clearly, Hashem runs the world and He knows what He’s doing.

With all this talk about being worth the wait, I just have to say that there will always be things that we just don’t understand. We think we know what’s best for us, but we only see a small piece of it all.

This ends my sojourn in this realm. I'm giving up my warrior status and handing off my sword. I will hopefully continue to post parsha every week, but thankfully I’m done shidduch blogging.

So long and farewell.

Parshas Naso

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Parsha tells us that anyone who doesn’t see the Kohen to bring terumos and maaseros will end up having to see the Kohen for a failed marriage (he will bring his wife to the Kohen to drink Sotah water).

The Gemara in Shabbos (119a) tells us that when we take maaser we become wealthy. When a person lives the way he’s supposed to, and does the mitzvos, he becomes wealthy. Whereas, when he avoids his obligations, he loses two things -wealth and his marriage.

When we do what we’re supposed to do we get rewarded. When we don’t do what we’re supposed to do we not only don’t get rewarded, but often get punished as well. Sometimes when something seems hard to do, if we could put it into perspective and think about what we gain and how important it is it may be a lot easier.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Naso

Naaseh V'nishma: Shavuos Repost

A little something about Shavuos I wrote last year here.

Have a good y"t! May it be a meaningful personal Kabalas HaTorah for you and yours and may you accept it with its kessarim.

Kesser (כתר) is a remez to the specific gifts we were given with the Torah. (I don't know the source of this...)

כ- כח ת- תיקונים ר- רצון 

כ-We were given the ability to perform all the mitzvos, an extra koach to stand up to our yetzer hara and be mikayem kol hatorah. 

ת- We were also given the ability for our mitzvos to affect the world and higher worlds! 

ר- Finally, we received the cheshek, the ratzon, to keep the mitzvos. In order to live by all the mitzvos in the Torah we need this undying will. During Matan Torah Hashem placed the deepest desire to fulfill all His commandments into every single Yid's neshama.

Every Shavuos is a reenactment of Matan Torah. It is a chance to revitalize our Yiraas Shamyim and recommit to keeping all the mitzvos. We receive these matanos anew every year...if we want them. R' Matisyahu Solomon says that we can procure these gifts for ourselves by davening with kavanah  and joy and have the special kavanah of collecting these gifts when we say "Ata B'chartanu" and "...Zman Matan Torahseinu."

Chag sameach!

Parshas Bamidbar

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Midrash in Bamidbar Rabbah (2:2) tells us that at the time of Matan Torah Bnei Yisroel saw that the malachim were grouped around flags, and they said that they wanted flags as well. Hashem told Moshe to make them flags as they desired.

The purpose of a flag is such that everyone knows their place and peace reigns in the camp. The angels have flags, and so they get along well. Bnei Yisroel wanted this everlasting peace as well.

When there is peace nothing can harm us. The flags unify each shevet and delineate where everyone is supposed to be and thus what they are supposed to do. When this is clear, there is shalom. The Satan's source of power is confusion and lack of clarity, which causes machlokes among people. Shalom is a kli that holds bracha. 

When there is peace among us, the Satan cannot harm us.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Bamidbar

Parshas Behar-Bechukosia

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Behar

The pasuk that commands us regarding shemittah begins in plural and changes to singular: "Ki savo'u -- When you (plural) come into the land...shanim tizra sadecha -- for six years you (singular) should sow your field." Why the change? Also, why does the wording make it seem like it's an obligation to sow the field when we know the mitzvah is to let the land lay fallow in the seventh year for shmittah?

After Moshiach comes, says the Zera Shimshon, the world will revert back to the likes of Adam HaRishon kodem hacheit and we will not have to work for parnossa. However, a Jew that is not on this level of acting righteously and therefore is not zoche to this bracha, he will have to work, ie. plow the the fields for six years. This is why this part of the pasuk is written in singular. Only the individual that is not living his life accordingly will have to work.   

Bechukosai

The Torah says, "go in My statues," "observe My commandments," "perform them." When it gets to the klalos one might expect it to follow this pattern and say, "If you don't go in My statutes," "if you don't observe My commandments," etc., but it uses different terms instead.

The Zera Shimshon questions why the Torah seemingly repeats itself and why the lashonos with the klalos are different than that of the brachos.

He goes on to explain that every person is obligated to love mitzvos and hate aveiros. If he doesn't love mitzvos he may may not have the excitement and energy to fulfill them properly. If he doesn't he aveiros he can easily slip up and sin without intending to. Emotions play a large role in our actions.

The pasuk repeats itself to make a point. "If you will go in My statutes" refers to feeling hatred for aveiros, and "observing My commandments" is about loving mitzvos. If we reach this level of love for mitzvos and hate for aveiros then we will reach the level of "performing them" properly.

The language when it comes to the klalos is different, because it is saying that if you don't reach this level of "performing them" properly (loving mitzvos and hating aveiros) it will bring you to a situation in which you do not listen to Me.

Carelessness within mitzva observance is a slippery slope and once someone stops caring about committing transgressions, he might even come to the place where he finds mitzvos repulsive.

This is why the parsha tells us that if it comes to the situation in which Klal Yisroel reaches this stage that Hashem will ch"vsh act to us in the same fashion and come to hate us and give us anything good at all.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshios Behar, Bechukosai

Parshas Emor

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

This week's parsha talks about the commandment that Kohanim should not become impure. The Midrash in Vayikra Rabba (26:6) talks about how because Aharon and sons had such yiraas Shamayim they were given this mitzvah until the end of time.

This particular mitzvah is singled out here (among other mitzvos exclusive to Kohanim like not marrying a divorcee), because no matter what Kohanim are not allowed to become tamey, and they will always have this special relationship with Hashem.

One might think that in these times when it is assumed that everyone is impure because we have no parah aduma that it wouldn't make a difference if Kohanim became impure as well. However, this mitzvah reflects the promise that Hashem will always have this relationship with Kohanim, that He will dwell amongst, essentially, them even among impurity.

This is a lesson about Kohanim, but to take a leap here and add my own personal take on this Torah...there is so much impurity in our world, and we often do things that contribute to this. However, like last week's parsha taught us, we can always be separate, holy, even amongst impurity.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Emor

From Behind the Lines

Let's talk about this blog's title.

What's the battle? Where's the battle? Why do I think I'm a warrior? Who is fighting?

Okay, so clearly, shidduchim is not a battle, nor a battlefield, in a literal sense. It isn't a fight. But I do feel like this stage of my life is often a struggle for my own sanity, my own sense of self, my own confidence in myself and what I'm doing, and a battle of wits (sometimes).

If we really have to break it down (though I personally like the ambiguity in it, because it leaves something for each of you to interpret), the warriors are the singles who are forced into the foray of battle. Regardless whether they want to fight or not, regardless of whether they've found their armor or not, they will take hits. Maybe not all. Maybe some will get to the other side unscathed, but if they are forced to stay in this war long enough, they will have to nurse some wounds at some point.

The fight is for self. The fight is for not losing what is dear to one's sense of worth, his values. Perhaps a tad dramatic, yes, but think about it. This journey forces one to take a look at himself/herself and decide what he wants to keep and what he wants to let go.

The struggle is dealing with everyone else that pops up along the way. Perhaps it's a well meaning friend, shadchan, random whoever, who unwittingly hits you where it hurts. Because in battle you're always on guard.

The battle is inside the head and heart of the single. S/he can choose to ignore, mute, disregard, compartmentalize it. S/he can exaggerate, exacerbate, and emphasize it. We all have that choice. Perhaps at one point one way is better than the other. Sometimes the battlefield is quiet, and sometimes it's deafening. Sometimes it's dark, and sometimes it is light. Sometimes we fight alone, and sometimes we have others by our side.

We all have armor of some sort hopefully, and while I choose to often fight without parts of it, perhaps you show up with it on. No two experiences are alike. We're all just doing our best to get through this unharmed.

Be True to You

Stay strong
And be true
Stay disciplined
Be you

Don't let life
Bog you down
With all its
Valleys and its crowns

Keep trucking
Along
Write your own lyrics
To your song

Live life
With intention
Don't just coast
Not paying attention

No decision
Is a choice too
Just 'cuz it's hard
Doesn't mean it's out of true

We're all in own cars
Even if on the same street
Different experiences
Punching a different time sheet

You only have
One life to live
So much to do
All this to give

Parshios Acharei Mos and Kedoshim

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Acharei Mos

The pasuk tells us "Happy is the man whose sin Hashem doesn't hold against him, and in his spirit there is no deceit."

If someone has sinned why doesn't Hashem hold him accountable and if he hasn't sinned why would there be deceit in his soul?

It is referring to someone before they go to sleep at night. If someone confesses his aveiros before he retires at night and doesn't wait for Hashem to tally up his deeds of the day, there is no deceit in such a person. Such a person has laid out his heart and soul to G-d and thus is praiseworthy.

Kedoshim

"Kedoshim te'heiyu ki kadosh Ani," "You should be holy because I am holy."

The Midrash in Yalkut Shimoni (Remez 546) writes that this means that just as Hashem is removed from physical pleasures, so should we be. The question here is that how can we remove ourselves from all things physical, because we are in fact physical beings –– with a neshama –– but still physical.

The idea here is to remember that despite our physicality, we have this spiritual piece inside of us and although our ruach, our spirit, and our nefesh, our mind-body connection, can sin in thought and action, our actual neshama remains pure. It is a piece of G-d that is closeted within our physical body, and it is removed from our thoughts and actions. It remains pure and urges us to follow after it.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshios Acharei Mos, Kedoshim

Parshios Tazria and Metzora

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Tazria

On Yom Kippur, white signifies purity and atonement. With tzaraas, however, the person is considered impure when his blemish is white. The Gemara in Sukkah (33b) points out that black blemishes start out red but fade to black. Red/black blemishes are a sign of purity. On Yom Kippur, red signifies the sins of Bnei Yisroel (Yeshaya 1:18) What is pure with tzaaras, these red/black blemishes, signifies sin on Yom Kippur.

Why do we have these contradictions?

The Gemara in Pesachim (50a), says that people who are prominent in this world will not have the same recognition in the World to Come and vice versa. Someone who was "black" in this world, meaning that he did not have recognition or wasn't treated with respect, will be "white" in the World to Come. He will get his just rewards. The opposite is true as well; one who is "white" in this world may be "black" in the next.

A black blemish is pure, because it means that he will be "white" in the Next World. A white blemish is impure, because he will be "black" in the Next World.

On Yom Kippur it is the opposite, because on the holiest day of the year we are compared to angels. It is as if we are already in the World to Come. On Yom Kippur white is purity and black/red is impurity. 

Metzora

The Gemara tells us that there is no atonement for someone who speaks lashon hara; so great is this sin. The Zera Shimshon explains that perhaps the person himself cannot himself rectify his wrong, but when he enlists the help of the congregation he can be forgiven. He cries out "Tamei, Tamei," so that everyone sees his affliction and his pain and can daven for him.

The Gemara in Rosh Hashana (18a) says that if there is a signed decree against a tzibbur, if the congregation davens and beseeches Hashem to annul the decree, the decree can indeed be abrogated. The Zera Shimshon extends this to include the tzibur's tefillos for an individual. Even if there is no hope for someone, perhaps someone who spoke lashon hara and is afflicted with tzaraas, combined prayer can overturn the decree against him.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshios Tazria, Metzora

Where is the Sun?

Waking up this morning, the world is devoid of sun. It’s bitter and dreary. Yesterday there was radiant sun, shining brightly, highlighting all the beautiful things in this life. Today, clouds blanket the sky, obscure the brilliant light. Big fat raindrops periodically splatter my windshield, stopping and starting at random. There's fog so dense, it is hard to navigate from just point A to B. The heat of yesterday's sun shrouded, the day chilly and uninviting.

The world muted and painted in grays. Everything feels irritating, smiles and grins hidden. Where there was happiness there is gloom. Where there was light and laughter there is melancholy and despair.

Is the weather just random? Where is the sun? 

I can go turn on some lights, even cozy up by a fireplace, perhaps even pull out a rarely used lantern, and go check out the lights in the city...I'll find some artificial illumination for now. 

Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow.

Parshas Shmeini

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Aharon is commanded to bring a calf as to atone for the Egel Hazahav. We know that "a prosecutor cannot become a defender" (eg. the Kohen Gadol doesn't wear gold on Yom Kippur as to not "remind" Hashem k'vyachol about the Golden Calf). Why then is Aharon HaKohen commanded to bring an egel, a calf as a korbon?

The Zera Shimshon explains that the fact that Aharon is asked to bring a calf is proof that he didn't do anything wrong. Cheit HaEgel was not his fault. This is, in fact, why Aharon is ordered to bring a calf to show everyone that the involvement he had with the egel had nothing to do with worshipping it, and the cheit was not on his hands.

Aharon HaKohen was commanded to bring a calf, while the rest of Bnei Yisroel was commanded to bring an olah to atone for their sins.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Shmeini

Don't Do Unto Others

A flight attendant was serving a respected rabbi on a plane. Recognizing his religious garb she asked him, "What is Judaism? What do Jews believe?"

The rav, without missing a beat, replied, "Don't do onto others what you don't wish to be done to you. That's the foundation of Judaism."

The attendant wanted to know what that had to do with being able to eat or not eat certain things.

"Okay," said the rabbi, "I'm sure you've noticed Jewish travelers checking food packages for a specific symbol, correct?"

"Yes, I have! But what does that have to do with respecting others?"

"Jews are trained not to just eat something because they want to. They don't just say something because they want. They don't just do something because they want to. By checking packages, they're showing it's not about them. They're following a moral code, and they're trained to see the needs of others."

Pesach we check packages. Sefirah, we work on seeing others. 

(Paraphrased from Mishpacha Magazine's Calligraphy, original article by Yisroel Besser)

I don't usually read Mishpacha, as you may know if you've been with me for awhile. Yet, against my better judgment I read this Pesach's story supplement. Shoot me. I'll even make a plug here for Rikki Ehrlich's "The Exit Interview." IMHO it was quite the worthy read. Everyone should read it. But that's not what this post is about.

It's interesting how sometimes bein adam l'makom is clearer, easier than bein adam l'chaveiro. We work on both during Sefirah, but bein adam l'chaveiro is a special focus. We mourn the deaths of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died because they didn't treat each other with respect. Crazy, almost, if you think about it. How much do we focus on respect of others nowadays? How much do we judge and gossip? How much do we judge and stigmatize?

Also not the point of this post.

Or maybe it is. What freedom do you take from Pesach? Supposedly the chometz represents yetzer hara, which we are free from for the entirety of the Chag. The aveiros we do –– hergel, habit. I'm not sure who this idea is attributed to, but it's interesting for sure.

There is so much pressure in this stage of life. While dating for some is just a passageway from young adulthood to what comes beyond that (in the form of marriage, responsibility, and family), to others it is a stage in it of itself. It's Mitzrayim, it's narrow and constricting. No two people's experiences are the same. While some may have sagas of heartbreaks and "almosts," others may have stories of emptiness for months or years on end.

No judgements. No need to compare. Can we see others as is? Empathy, not pity. Freedom, not slavery.

Happy Counting.

Single Lane Ahead

Being single during yuntif isn't the greatest feeling in the world. It drives home the fact that we're not meant to be like this.

Rephrase, Yiddishkeit is about family. (It goes without saying that if this is where I am right now in life, this is where G-d wants me to be. As long as I didn't mess things up through my own free will –– bigger topic outside the scope of this post.)

It feels so crowded, yet so empty. So overwhelming, so much noise, but so so lonely. So many cute nieces and nephews, too many siblings, siblings in-law, and just one person missing. The space doesn't really stretch to make room for everyone, all the different personalities. Even if we can mostly get along now that we've all grown up a bit. I too need someone to take up for me, have my back, sit next to and talk to when everyone else is involved with their own nuclear families.

I'm not the hired help. Just because I don't have a husband and kids to look after, I'm busy too. I should be on vacation too. In fact, while they're off galavanting on this Chol HaMoed trip or that, I'm going to work every day, working my normal hectic schedule. Yes, Baruch Hashem for that. Some normalcy in my life. A place I feel productive and normal, not like an outcast and a pitied anomaly.

Despite them not trying to rub it in my face, it happens inevitably. It's the nature of the beast. 

Read some of the discussion here that further fleshes out this point.

Chag sameach.

Yearning for Freedom

Zman Chaeruseinu. Freedom.

Hallel, Nirtza. Praise, song.

What to sing for?

What freedom?

Salvation from Mitzrayim?

How, when life feels so bitter, so narrow?

Echad M'yodeia? We know numbers. Numbers of months, years we've been playing this game. Numbers of guys/girls that we've met, that have entered and left our respective lives. Numbers of heartbreaks. Numbers of days, months we've waited to hear from someone with a "yes," go on a date.

Sefirah. Counting. Counting down the days until this will all make sense, this will all be worth it.

Leil HaSeder, Leil Shemurim. A special night of protection. Hashem tells us that He's close. We need to let Him do what He does.

Shackled, but free. Stuck, but looking forward.

Pesach is a time of slavery and freedom. They coexist. Bitterness and hope mingle together. 

Salty and sweet. Hardship and triumph. Heartbreak and hope. Slavery and miracles.

Aching lonely heart. Beating living heart.

Living With Emunah

R' Daniel Glatstein references the pasuk, "Veyadata ki Ani Hashem (YKVK)" ("And you will know that I am Hashem"). He points out that there are the same amount of words in the Haggadah as the amount times YKVK is written in the Torah. He explains that this is the whole purpose of the Haggadah, of Pesach, to know "Ki Ani Hashem." This is Emunah.

Emunah is the main inyan of the Seder –– asking questions that we don’t answers to, because it's about asking, wanting to know, seeking. We do many things at the Seder "so that the children should ask," and then, when they finally ask, there is no clear answer (ie. we don't really answer the Four Questions/Ma Nishtana)! It's really just about the asking. 

The mitzvah of Pesach is "V'Hegadita l'vincha" ("Tell it to your children"), because children are natural seekers. Adults need to be reminded that they have to seek, they have to want. This is the purpose of doing all these things at the Seder 'so that the children should ask;' it's about questioning. 

Emunah comes to people who want it. The more you make G-d part of your life, the more the bekush (seeking), the more Emunah you'll uncover within you. You have to really want.

A lot of us are stuck in the simple level of Emunah. We don't realize that Emunah is not something out there to figure out, it's something inside. We need to unleash it, we need to be a m’vakesh (seeker). Daven for it. Ask G-d to help you uncover it. It is about knowing that G-d exists in everything, not as a solution, but just that He’s here with us.

In whatever challenge it's so easy to forget about Hashem. Sure, we daven to Him every day. We keep him in mind often. However, it's easy to forget, or perhaps to feel, that He orchestrates everything. Sure, there's hishtadlus we need to do, sometimes our free choice lands us in difficult situations, but at the end of the day if we can hold onto this idea that Hashem knows what is best for us, He feels our pain more than we do ourselves, living is a little bit easier.

Life Is Full of Goodbyes

Life is full of goodbyes.

So often we connect with people, we leave a part of ourselves with them, only to have to eventually say goodbye. This happens for some people more often than others. Some people connect more deeply or more easily. Life is about being able to leave that bit we give to the other person (or people) behind and keep moving forward.

I was having this conversation with a client a few days ago. She was talking about how it was hard to just let go of her relationships with her ex's family. She had great relationships with them and nothing against them. Whereas she didn't want to see or talk to her ex ever again, she missed his family whom she had been a part of for over ten years. We talked about how in life there are so many people you have to say goodbye to. Sometimes these people have left a piece of themselves with you, sometimes you with them, and sometimes it's both.

This happens in so many ways. Professionally, I face it all the time. I will often wonder how a client is doing long after they aren't a client any longer. They shared so much with me, I saw them through so much, and then they disappear as they go about their lives. It's how it's supposed to be. I'd imagine there are many professions like that. Teaching is similar, especially if it's one-on-one.

We can't always hold onto relationships we have. And we're not meant to. I'm sure I've written about this before, how relationships can be like bridges. They can help us get somewhere, but we don't necessarily need them once we've crossed them. People come into our lives for various reasons. I know I've met people that have enriched my life in so many ways even after they're no longer around.

I've written quite a bit on breakups, but this one post about love and loss comes to mind.

It's not the goodbyes that make us better perhaps, but to paraphrase a line from Romeo and Juliet, parting is always a sweet sorrow. It makes us look toward what is next up for us. Looking forward is always more helpful than looking back. (It is helpful to learn from mistakes, for sure, but that's always for a looking forward purpose.) Looking forward doesn't cheapen the experience we had, but it does let us file it away.

Does This Path Have Heart

Full confession: I like connecting with people. I thrive on it. I'm good at it, and it feels good. Perhaps we all like connection, some of us to greater or lesser extents. Yet, I think this is what makes dating excruciating at times for me. It's easy for me to create a connection fairly early. I think focused shidduch dating is like that. Is that real connection though?

I was talking to someone recently about this and he said that shidduch dating isn't about this. I argued with him. "What do you mean? Are you not trying to build a relationship with this person, get to know him/her better?" "Nope," he rejoined. "Dating is not about building a relationship. That's what marriage is for. Dating is about scouting out whether this person has all the necessary ingredients to want to, to be able to, to do this with."

I shared this discussion with a friend. She argued too. She pointed out that so much of the time when we're dating we want someone we can call at the end of the day and just shoot the breeze. We want someone who will care about what's going on in our day-to-day, someone who will be in our corner, etc. Believe me, your partner should be the person who you can just have a good time with and who will care about your mundane happenings and stand up for you. Yet, this doesn't need to be your relationship with him/her while you're dating. Of course this dynamic will develop a bit as you get to know each other. (If it doesn't I'd be concerned.)

I'm just sharing what I've learned. (Feel free to let me know your thoughts.) Instead of focusing on giving the person the benefit of the doubt while getting emotionally involved, it'd be best to look at him/her with a discerning eye. Does s/he have all the "need"s on my list?

I think this can get sticky, because I know that I have made judgements about people early on but continued dating them, and later those concerns went away. However, I'm not yet married, so perhaps those concerns gave way to other concerns and that gut feeling meant something in whatever way it manifested itself.

Back to my point though, I like connecting and putting my heart on the line. I feel like opening myself up completely will yield big returns. I actually don't know how to do it any other way. I honestly think it's my personality. To me, that's being real. Go big or go home? (Okay, I don't do that with most people, but too many I guess.) It's not an all or nothing, just a people focus, a need to see and be seen.

How does emotionally disconnecting and/or trying to be less emotionally involved work? Does that path have heart...?

Parshas Tzav

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

This week's parsha talks about the Korban Todah, the Thanksgiving Offering. Rashi tells us that a Toda is brought as gratitude for surviving a perilous situation: travelers (seafarers and those who have traversed a desert), rescued prisoners, and people who have recovered from a serious illness. The Zera Shimshon talks about how today since we do not bring korbanos, we recite the bracha of Hagomel instead.

The Gemara in Brachos (54b) asks the following question. The lashon that the halacha uses is that someone who falls into the four categories (outlined above) "needs" to recite Hagomel. Why does it not say that someone is "obligated," as it does for other halachos? (For example, "One is obligated to recite a blessing on bad news as he is on good news.")

The bracha of Hagomel requires a minyan. One may not be able to gather a minyan, and thus he is not "obligated," as he may not be able to gather ten men.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Tzav

Great Expectations

When I was younger I thought I would get married right away.

Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.

I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.

Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.

What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?

Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."

Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.

I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.

Parshas Vayikra

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Midrash in Vayikra (1:6) tells us that Moshe Rabbeinu was troubled because he was not able to contribute anything towards the Mishkan. Hashem responds, "I enjoy your speech more than anything else."

The speech the Midrash is referring to is Moshe's ongoing conversations with the the craftsmen constructing the Mishkan. This overseeing was more precious than all the donations.

Bava Basra 9a tells us, "One who convinces someone to do a mitzvah is greater than the person himself who does the mitzvah." Moshe was the one who encouraged everyone else building the Mishkan and ensured that the construction took place, and Hashem treasured him for it. It was as if Moshe himself had done everything.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayikra

Parshios Vayakhel and Pekudei

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Vayakhel

Rashi tells us that Moshe Rabbeinu tells Bnei Yisroel about the prohibition of working on Shabbos before the mitzvah of building the Mishkan to let them know that construction of the Mishkan, work of the Mishkan, does not override Shabbos.

The question is, why would we think that work of the Mishkan would overrule the laws of Shabbos?

The Zera Shimshon explains that without Rashi's insight it might seem that since the work in the Mishkan is done on Shabbos, if one of the keilim needs to be repaired (to enable the work of the Mishkan, for example, to help the kohanim in karbanos offerings), it should be done on Shabbos too.

Therefore, the Torah tells us about Shabbos before Mishkan to make sure we realize that the work of the Mishkan does not override Shabbos.

Pekudei

The Midrash in Yalkut, (Melachim 184) tells us that R' Chanina says that the work of the Mishkan was completed on the 25th of Kislev, but Hashem delayed the erection of the Mishkan until the month of Nissan when Yitzchak Avinu was born. 

The Zera Shimshon asks why it is significant that the Mishkan was completed on the 25th of Kislev. Also, why did they delay putting up the Mishkan when they had hastened to construct it? Lastly, what does Yitzchak Avinu have to do with the Mishkan?

Rabbeinu Bachya writes that the Mishkan's construction corresponds to the creation of the world. 

The creation of the world took 72 hours: 6 days multiplied by 12 hours (as only the daytime hours are counted). The construction of the Mishkan took 72 days. (There were also 72 letters on the Choshen, also corresponding to the 72 letters of Hashem's name.) 

The calculation of the amount of days it took is as follows: Moshe Rabbeinu came down from the har on Yom Kippur and commanded the Jews to build the Mishkan. That's 20 days left in Tishrei, 29 in Cheshvan, 25 in Kislev. That equals 74 days, and then we subtract 2 days spent on collecting donations, ending with 72 days total spent on building the Mishkan. (We include Shabbos in this calculation, because although they didn't build on Shabbos, they spent Shabbos learning the halachos they needed to know to do this work.)

This is why the date of 25 Kislev is significant –– letting us know that the building of the Mishkan corresponds to the creation of the world and the letters of Hashem's name. Why then was the final erection delayed until the birth month of Yitzchak Avinu?

The Gemara in Shabbos (89b) tells us that both Avraham and Yaakov felt that Bnei Yisroel should be destroyed for their sins. However, Yitzchak Avinu felt that Hashem should show Bnei Yisroel mercy and take out His wrath k'vyachol on the Beis Hamikdash instead. (The Mishkan was called as such from the root "mashkon," collateral. It was literally collateral for the sins of Klal Yisroel.) Because Yitzchak played this role in making this suggestion, Hashem waited until this month that Yitzchak was born to show that He accepted Yitchak's argument. In the future, the Beis Hamikdash would serve as collateral for Klal Yisroel's sins, shielding them from destruction.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshios Vayakhel, Pekudei

Parshas Ki Sisa (Edited)

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

This week's parsha talks about Shabbos. The Gemara in Shabbos (118a) tells us that someone who makes Shabbos enjoyable will receive a portion "with no boundaries," "like that of Yaakov Avinu."*

There are a lot of questions surrounding this statement. First off, how is it possible for there to be "no boundaries" if it's a reward in this world? Even if it's a huge reward, the ends of the physical world is a boundary. If it's referring to the World to Come then how is this different than other mitzvos in which we are promised reward in the World to Come? It must be referring to this world then, a physical reward.

The Zera Shimshon explains. Hashem's middos of din and chessed are constantly battling each other. Hashem's chessed wants to give without borders, but the din prevents this. However, Accusers only have power when a person is chasing physical pleasures. When someone works on making Shabbos enjoyable, he is elevating the pleasures of this world, and they are no longer physical; they are spiritual. Therefore, Hashem's chessed is not impeded by din, and there are no physical boundaries to the reward he receives.

*Hashem promises Yaakov Avinu (Bereishis 28:14) that he will gain strength westward, eastward, northward, and southward, ie. no boundaries

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Ki Sisa

A Freilechen Purim: Purim Repost

Wishing you and yours a Freilechen Purim!

Don't forget to tap into the power of the day... (eis ratzon vs. segulos)

Here's my best Purim torah. It's worth your time, I promise!

Parshas Tetzaveh

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Zohar tells us that because Moshe said "Erase me from Your Torah," (Shemos 32:32) Moshe is not mentioned in this week's parsha. The question is why this parsha was chosen for Moshe's name to be left out of.

The Zera Shimshon explains the reason as follows. We know that Aharon HaKohen, Moshe's brother, was chosen for the kehunah instead of Moshe, because Moshe did not want to return to Mitzrayim to take Bnei Yisroel out of the land. His reasoning was that he wanted Hashem Himself to take them out. He knew that if this happened then Bnei Yisroel would never experience another galus, because Hashem's actions would not be reversed.

Hashem did not agree to do this, because He knew that it would be necessary in the future for Bnei Yisroel to be exiled, as they would sin again. If galus was not an option that would warrant annihilation of the Jewish people. It was therefore better for all parties that Moshe Rabbeinu take Bnei Yisroel out of Mitzrayim.

Indeed, when Bnei Yisroel sinned again at the cheit of the Golden Calf, Moshe says, "If You don't forgive them, erase me from Your Torah." Moshe's refusal to heed Hashem's request would have resulted in the destruction of Klal Yisroel, and therefore, he lost the kehunah for this deed.

The absence of Moshe's name in this particular parsha, the parsha in which we learn about Aharon HaKohen and the priesthood, is a reminder of all this.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Tetzaveh

Parshas Terumah

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The pasuk says regarding the menora, "And you should make its lamps seven, and he shall kindle its lamps [so that they] shed light towards its face."

Says the Zera Shimshon, the seven lights of the menora correspond to the seventy years of a person's life. These lights are to shine towards the center of the menora; one's years should be lived to nourish his neshama (the center, the face, the 'mouth,' of one's being). The way we live our life, our deeds, provide fuel, light, for our soul to keep our bodies alive. The neshama needs to be illuminated with Torah and mitzvos done with joy/light.

Mitzvos light up our soul, as it says in Koheles Rabba (6:6) "All of a person's toil is for his 'mouth,'" and when we do aveiros we darken our souls. (In Yeshayahu (29:15) it says, "The darkness of their deeds.")

When we serve Hashem with joy and happiness, learn Torah and perform mitzvos, this lights up our neshama and contributes to our life force.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Terumah

Happy Valentine's

While I'm not naturally a cynic (okay, maybe only partly cynical), I truly believe that Valentine's Day was created with green, not red/pink, in mind. I'm a romantic when it comes to love, but Valentine's Day isn't about that. Some holidays are simply created for commercial purposes, and Valentine's Day is the most guilty of this.

I love the GIECO gecko meme reading "I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single." 

It's not to say that we shouldn't appreciate our significant others, get them gifts, flowers, chocolates...but does there need to be a holiday to do that?

Scrolling through my feed, I noticed an article titled, "We Need To Stop Treating Being Single Like A Disease." Totally. 

Parshas Mishpatim

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

"Naaseh v'nishma."

The question is obvious here. How can one do something before he hears what he is commanded?

The Zera Shimshon brings a Midrash in Bamidbar Rabbah (13:16) to explain his answer. The midrash talks about how the pasuk in Vayikra (18:5), "A person does the mitzvos and lives with them," refers not to Kohanim, Leviim, or even just stam members of Klal Yisroel. Instead, it says "ha'adam," man. Even a non-Jew can learn Torah and reach the level of a Kohen Gadol. The only difference is that he would not receive the same reward as a Jew, because he is not a mitzuveh v'oseh, he is not commanded to learn Torah.

Additionally, the Zera Shimshon brings the Mishnah in Pirkei Avos that tells us that we should not serve Hashem like slaves serving a master to receive payment. What is done for payment can never be done the same way, the best way, as what is done because someone wants to do it of his own accord.

The intention of Klal Yisroel with "naaseh v'nishma" was doing the mitzvos as if they were not commanded to: naaseh before hearing the command/nishma (not to do the mitzvos for the sechar, for as we just discussed, someone who is commanded to do something gets more reward).

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Mishpatim

Disable Comments

"Maybe they can't help you get married, but they can lessen the pain you're experiencing while waiting."

Wise words indeed.

No matter what the situation is; a friend's or relative's simcha, a conversation with a shadchan (gone south), just trying to live normal life, whatever; what makes it hard are The Comments.

Really, I was fine until you said that or this insensitive thing. Her simcha isn't "hard" for me in it of itself. I'm actually, believe it or not, really happy and excited for her. Why shouldn't I be? Does what she have take away from what I have? Granted, if it's a close relative or friend who I may miss (her singlehood companionship) in my day to day, then yes. Otherwise, no.

As a friend put it, "Enough with the comments, just send presents. A new bag or chocolates would be nice." 

Also, since I'm on this rant anyway, don't hock me about details and pictures. Don't tell me I should get chizzuk from this. Just be normal and wish me mazel tov and then move on. A friend I was venting to put it great, "I just wished you mazel tov and figured if you wanted to vent or if you weren't handling and wanted to talk about it, you would tell me." Yes!

#itsallpartofthenisayon

Parshas Yisro

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The Midrash in Shemos Rabba (47:6) tells us that the Aseres Hadibros were written five on one side and five on the other opposing side. This means that "Anochi" is opposite "Lo Tzirtzach," "I am Hashem your G-d" opposite "You shall not kill."

What's the connection between the two?

"Anochi Hashem," in addition to just telling us "I am Hashem your G-d," is giving us a lesson about prayer. R' Eliezer in Brachos (28b) is quoted saying, "When you are davening, you have to know before Whom you stand."

"Anochi" is paired with "Don't kill" because murder is when someone separates a soul from a body, and tefillah without kavanah is like creating a body without a soul (similar to murder). "Anochi" and "Lo Tzirtzach" both are warnings against "murder."


Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Yisro

Staircase

a

trek up

a winding staircase

finding no end in sight

it truly seems to go on and on

forever and ever and ever and ever

taking a short, brief breather on a landing

to begin the hike again without very much respite

an elevator at the very next landing, merely but a mirage

dragging a big bag packed with essentials for the destination

if only I could get to that place at some point, hopefully very soon

perhaps the down escalator that I am scaling will suddenly switch to up

until then I heft my heavy bursting haversack over my shoulder and brace myself

I wonder where I will get the supplies to continue the journey without tapping out or giving up

but I continue because what choice do I have and where else do I go from here, stuck in the middle of nowhere

Parshas Beshalach

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Az Yashir, the shira that Bnei Yisroel sang upon experiencing the amazing neis of Krias Yam Suf, is in this parsha.

The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 218:5) says that if a person experiences many miracles and he visits one place where a particular miracle took place, he should have in mind all the miracles that he was granted.

The reason for this is because if the person had not shown gratitude for the first neis that he experienced, Hashem would not have granted him a second neis, etc. The first miracle obligated him to show praise and thanks to Hashem, and in doing so it was the direct cause of the second miracle. Showing thanks for a second miracle caused a third, and so on and so forth. Therefore, each neis was contingent on the one(s) before.

This shows how powerful expressing hakaras hatov is and how it can benefit us.

Tehillim (106:1) tells us, "Hodu laHashem ki tov ki leolam chasdo," "Give thanks to Hashem when He grants the first kindness, and then he will merit His continued kindness for all eternity."

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Beshalach

Parshas Bo

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The dogs were silent as Klal Yisroel left Mitzrayim. This in it of itself was a neis, but the unnatural silence was also a sign. It was sign that Bnei Yisroel had been forgiven for their sins and were worthy of this redemption.

The Medrash in Shemos Rabba (1:35) tells us that Moshe was curious regarding Klal Yisroel's sin. He was curious as to what they could have done to be sentenced to this forced labor. When he realized that Dassan and Aveiram found out who killed the Mitzri through lashon hara, he said, "This is a nation who speaks lashon hara. How will they ever be redeemed?"

The Gemara in Makkos (23a) writes that anyone who speaks lashon hara deserves to be thrown to the dogs.

The fact that the dogs were silent when Bnei Yisroel were leaving Mitzrayim shows that they did teshuva; they were no longer speaking lashon hara. Thus, they merited this redemption.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Bo

Informalities

Is there something to be said for informal dates? Does every date need to have a tachlis? Can you get to know someone better if you just hang out and chill without necessarily having an agenda? Is this appropriate and/or helpful?

There are so many different opinions regarding the answers to these questions. Obviously a large part of that would have to do with the community one identifies with. The more in-the-box yeshivish one is, the closer s/he is to that side of the spectrum, the more focused his/her dating will be probably. But there is a different aspect here, too, to consider.

How well can you really know someone from going out a few times (even if "a few" is 20 over the span of two and change months)? Are we dating to "know" someone, or are we dating to make sure basics are there and if there is that potential we're seeking?

Personally, I like informal dates. I don't think there needs to be pressure to "accomplish" something each date. However, I do think that each date should build on each other. A fourth date should not feel like a first date. By date four or five the two people should be beyond small talk and even able to have a conversation about where they see things going. Although, there are no hard and fast rules, and everyone at their own pace (as long as the two people are on the same page with that).

Informal dates are helpful to observe someone in a more natural habitat. Shidduch dating can get very artificial. It's fairly easy to show your best self if all you have to do is sit in a hotel lounge or restaurant for a few hours. Less so if you spend many more hours with someone not necessarily feeding them canned lines about your goals and aspirations that were made up to impress them.

I think it's important though to not get carried away and turn shidduch dating into a very informal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with lots of texting and late night phone conversations. That stuff might start from a real place but often gets inflated. It's also not helpful when you're trying to work towards marriage; it can lead to things getting cloudy.

I'm all for chilling and getting to know someone slowly, but just be aware that there actually may be some hidden mines in that terrain that you may have to navigate.

Yup, That's What Was Said

"Are you married yet?" "No? Why not?"

"You should stop playing around and get married already. It's time."

"Why don't you just get married?"

All spoken in real life. 

I kid you not.  

I was only victim to one of them; the others were said to people close to me. And I'm sure many others have experienced similar comments. The "You're next"s and "Soon by you"s seem tame compared to comments like these. 

What can possibly be going through someone's head when s/he says something like this? Does s/he really think that we're making a conscious choice to not be married? This is not even about tact. It's not even about sensitivity. It's basic decency. Is it not? Why would you accuse someone of something that he has no control over especially when it's painful for him/her?

I get it; people don't always know what to say. That's okay; say nothing then. Sometimes people will put their foot in their mouth, and that can hurt the receiver, but hopefully s/he knows it wasn't meant to. The above comments almost seem pointed and malicious though. 

Was the aim to make the single feel bad and to light a fire under him/her? Is the speaker thinking s/he is being a Penina? Really, I would like to understand. 

#itsallpartofthenisayon

Parshas Va'eira

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

Rashi, in this parsha, quotes Chazal in Bava Basra (109b) saying that Pinchas was an offspring of Yisro who was also known as Putiel. He was known as Putiel, because he fattened cows for avoda zara.

The question here is why he is named for something derogatory. We have a mitzva to not remind a convert about his past, and is this not an affront to Yisro's honor?

It is actually the opposite! It is a praise to him. This was a man who was so involved in avoda zara that he fattened cows for idol worship. Yet, when he learned the truth, recognized Hashem, he let it all go. Calling him by Putiel is a praise.

This is hinted to in the name itself. The malach in charge of forgetfulness is called Putah. Puti is forgetfulness of El - el nachar (foreign gods). Or, Puti, forgetfulness of avoda zara and instead cleaved to Kel, Hashem.

He is named Putiel because he fattened cows for avoda zara, but also because once he learned of Hashem he completely forgot about that part of his life.

Our past misdeeds can be a shvach (praise) for us when we leave them behind and commit to a better, holier path.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Va'eira

Your Call: Finding Out Shidduch Info by Talking to References

"Well, yeah, I pay them to sell me."

Should you or shouldn't you trust references on a resume?

Obviously it's ideal to speak to people who have your interest in mind (who know the person you're trying to find out information about, because obviously it's not helpful to talk to someone who knew the person years ago or only knows him/her a little bit). Speaking to the person's friends and/or speaking to people who the person directed you towards may or may not be worthwhile. Truth: no one is doing anyone any favors by lying about someone or answering what they think the person wants to hear, but it happens often. Even when one does talk to someone s/he knows personally s/he may get partial truths. People feel bad to speak "poorly" about someone even though doing so can save both parties a lot of time and energy. They don't want to "mess up a shidduch." Honesty is the best policy...

Oftentimes one may not personally know anyone who knows the party in question and has to rely on random people and the references they've been directed towards. There are a few ways to make such a phone call worth your time. Asking questions in a manner where there is no right answer is one strategy. For example, instead of asking, "Is s/he intense?" You can phrase it, "Does s/he have a more laid-back personality or is more passionate?" In that question there is no right or wrong answer. I'd add here to be specific, because questions like "tell me about his/her hashkafa" is way too broad and people's labels and frames of reference can be super diverse.

Additionally, listen for what is not being said. Perhaps no one will tell you that s/he flunked out of school, but people won't say s/he is smart if s/he is not. (Usually.) Also, seek out consistencies or inconsistencies by trying to confirm facts by talking to multiple people. Obviously don't say, "I heard x, y, z. Is this true?" Ask similar questions and listen to see if different people answer the same answers. It's a good idea too to tell the reference a little bit about you (or whoever the shidduch is for) so they have a frame of reference and aren't just answering out of left field.

I will add here too that it's important to update your references regarding your current take on things, whether it's about hashkafa or whatnot, because people expect your references to have a handle on what it is you're looking for or what you do. If your reference says something, people, most of the time, will take it like it's coming from you. People assume that if s/he is on your resume you directed them towards him/her and are comfortable with how s/he represents you...

Parshas Shemos

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

The pasuk tells us that Moshe Rabbeinu was on the way to the inn and Hashem sought to kill him. Rashi explains that this was because Moshe had not yet given his son Eliezer a bris milah.

The Zera Shimshon says that this is hard to understand, because certainly someone who neglects to himself have a bris milah is punishable by kares, but not giving his son a bris was "just" a failure to perform a mitzvas aseh and not punishable by death!

Bereishis Rabba (49:2) tells us that Avraham Avinu merited to have Moshe Rabbeinu as a descendant because he gave himself a bris. Moshe Rabbeinu's job was not only to save Bnei Yisroel from Mitzrayim, but to ensure they all had a bris milah as well.

Moshe was born in the merit of bris milah, and it was incumbent upon him to make sure that every member of klal yisroel received a bris, therefore it was punishable by death for Moshe to put off giving his own son a bris milah. (The pasuk writes "lamulos," "cirmcumcisions," in plural to tell us that he was responsible for the whole nation to do this mitzvah of bris milah.)

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Shemos

The Art of The No

Recently I felt like googling "How to say no to a shadchan so that she'll leave me alone (without burning bridges)." Of course I didn't, even though I'm sure there are plenty of opinion pieces on the web regarding what to include in a "no." I needed a way to get people off my back. I don't feel like I should have to explain to each person exactly why something is not for me or what is going on in my life at the moment to make me say no.

Do I need to elaborate when I tell someone, "There's a lot going on right now so I'm not sure I'll be able to give you an answer in your proposed 48 hours"? Do I really need to go into detail when I say we heard some things that make us think that he's not matiim for us?

It's not about why not, right? I need to hear the "why yes," but that's a different story.

Especially when one party has already "given a yes," shadchanim can get pretty pushy. Sometimes they think that people just need to be convinced. Often they really don't understand what it feels like to be bombarded with suggestions that don't make any sense and/or don't understand why their ideas don't make sense.

Here are some suggestions how to explain yourself without feeling like you need to share information you really aren't comfortable sharing. If you have other ideas, please let me know!

-Be respectful. Someone might be acting annoying towards you, but s/he doesn't know you just dealt with seven other similar messages. Also, this person put time into the shidduch. Even if it's not helpful to you, say thank you. (You're thanking them for their time/effort. Imagine if they would be redting you The One. Often they have no idea the suggestion is way off.)

-Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. If you're saying no, own it. Don't do the "I don't really think...not right now..." Just say no.

-Give enough so they can't argue but not too much if you don't feel like it's warranted. If it's a shadchan that you work with a lot or know well, it's probably helpful to give at least a small reason why someone isn't for you. If it's someone who doesn't know you, and you don't think it's helpful to explain why for further suggestions, personally I don't think that you have any explaining to do.

Here are some examples of how to say no without giving any real reasons. I'm not great at this, so don't copy/paste, but you can use them for ideas.

"Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm going to decline because he isn't what I'm looking for. Tizku l'mitzvos."

"I so appreciate your time working on this for me. I found out some things about him that don't fit with what I'm looking for, so I'm going to say no."

"I just wanted to get back to you and let you know that I've been working on finding out about so-and-so (the suggestion). I'm going to say no because I don't think he's for me, but thank you so much!"

That's about all I've got, but any tips you have feel free to chime in!