Roll With The Punches

It's so easy to rant about all the things that go wrong, complain about negatives, but it's important to also be cognizant of the things that go in our favor.

Things have been a bit tough for me lately, but I think because I was counting the things as they went wrong, I stopped to realize the things that went right. It's tremendous when you're able to count your blessings, however small they may be. When there is so much potential for things to go badly, whenever they don't, it's a positive.

When I talk about things going wrong, I'm refering to the small everyday kind of stuff. This can work for big things too, but they're in a different category. I had a run-in with a superior at work. I didn't get the job I interviewed for and thought I had a fighting shot at. I had a really bad date. Only two of my clients showed up one day at work. A car backed into me and damaged my scratchless new car. I could continue all the things I wish would have been different, but I don't need to spell it all out to get my point across.

This shift of recognizing the small positives things, like I didn't have traffic on the way to work, I didn't have to go to jury duty because my number wasn't called, I got a 'yes' from a potential new date, etc., helps me look at things differently.

Yes, there is a lot that I wish happened differently. Yet, life has it's ups and downs; that's just how things are. We cope through the bad and rejoice in the good. Don't you wish you could bottle that good feeling though for when you feel beat? One tall Euphoria to go please!

Broken Dreams

What is wrong with me?!

I thought it was a positive thing to be optimistic, but maybe if I let myself hope less and bank on things less to be my bail-out, I'd be less disappointed and/or down when they don't pan out. Seriously, life is full of broken dreams and closed doors; I know it shouldn't let it get me down, but it hurts.

Can't anything go my way? Can't I catch a break sometimes? What is it that G-d is trying to teach me about disappointments? I get it, okay? Things don't always go my way. They actually usually never do. When was the last time something went the way I'd hoped it would? Anything that mattered that hasn't been in my immediate control just hasn't ended positively since...maybe I got accepted to grad school?

Perhaps I'm exaggerating or overreacting, splitting, only remembering the bad and not the good, but haven't I had enough defeats for awhile? Why do I feel like my life is at a standstill, that I'm stuck in a rut? When things get tough, the tough get going, right? So, where do I go? Explore other interests, make the best of a hellish situation? I've tried, over and over. This time though, this time, I'm done.

I can't anymore. I really haven't actually been faking that I'm cool with it all. I've been clear to anyone who asked that I'm not. I'm optimistic, positive, and upbeat about it usually though, because who wants to associate with a whining shrew? It really doesn't help to complain. Here's the thing though, I genuinely don't think that my expectations are overly demanding. I've certainly done much with what I can manipulate, but when it comes to things that I can't, there's just not that much I can do. Why can't G-d take the reigns and steer the horse toward the win? What does He want from me already??

What do I lack that He doesn't see to giving me what I think I need? I'm not asking for things that are major and outrageous here! They're basic. He's the one that made me require these things to go on in life. Am I being a blind-sighted faultfinder who thinks she knows better than G-d? I don't think I know better; I know it's ultimately for my best, but right now, I don't think I can go on like this.

Of Bad Blind Dates

Oh, how I hate the shidduch system. I don't know why I would ever want to date someone I've never met before, regardless of how many people say nice things about him. The more positive things I hear, the more I anticipate a good date. And, the build-up to that date that ends up being a bomb... Wow, it's painful.

A simple "yes" holds so much potential. After waiting too long for a date, it just made me think that perhaps this could be "the one." Maybe it's finally my time. So much preparation, mental, physical, and emotional, goes into the date. It holds hope for me. I makes me fantasize of finally being happy, dating a normal guy that I can respect and adore, perhaps even him proposing after awhile. Finally, finally, it'd be my turn to join the exclusive club of "the engaged/marrieds," flaunting a diamond and a cute guy who's devoted to me, no longer having to take the callous looks of pity, the "You're next"s, "I'm waiting"s, etc. I'd finally be able to move on with my life, finally feel like I have reached my purpose as a Jewish woman.

Not only were my hopes cruelly dashed, but he was so off, that it made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Granted, the person who suggested the idea apparently doesn't know me very well, but really! What about all the great things people said about him?! Could it be that we just didn't click, 'cuz I thought he was straight-up brainwashed and...weird. He seemed to have no idea about the real world, and talked out of two sides of his mouth. Yet, he was adamant about what he said and couldn't have a normal conversation.

I'm a fairly outgoing and loquacious person and I manage to make most people feel comfortable, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been, but just thinking about things he said and did makes me cringe.

The whole experience makes me wonder if I'll ever meet the right one. Will I ever get married? When will it be my chance at happiness? Am I supposed to compromise on something? I'm not overly picky or ridiculous. I'm not shallow or persnickety. What am I doing wrong? What is there left for me to do here? What does G-d want from me? Why are all my friends married, having their first or second kid, girls a lot younger than me dating briefly and getting married, and I'm left here single, dating weirdos, when I have a date at all?

On My Quest For Connection

You know what they say, it’s a two-way relationship; you feel disconnected, who moved?

I was feeling pretty disconnected before Rosh Hashana, disconnected and very discouraged. During Rosh Hashana, the aseres y'mei teshuva, and Yom Kippur, I managed to get a handle on why. I simply wasn't letting G-d into my life enough. Yes, I davened twice every day, but how much of it did I really think about what I was saying? My life became more about staying afloat at work and such. It was more about getting through the day-to-day. It's a little embarrassing to admit that I just didn't care enough about my relationship with Hashem to pursue it as I should have. I was frustrated that He wasn't giving me what I want/ed and think I need, so I think I subconsciously decided to stop trying to make the effort to do what He wanted.

Over and over we hear about how the Yamei HaDin are not for Hashem's sake, but for ours. But really, am I not happier to just do what I want and serve Hashem how I want without having to constantly having to be careful not to do something that I'll have to klop "al cheit" for on Yom Kippur? So it sounds cute, Hashem cares about you so He's taking stock, inspecting what you've done this year...

I didn't always think it was the best explanation. I thought it sounded nice, but it didn't resonate with me. Until it did. This year I really feel like it's true. I was pretty lost. I mean, I wasn't doing anything really bad; I think I just lost focus. Things that should have mattered, didn't. If I wasn't forced to stop and take a hard look at myself, I don't think I would have.

This Aseres Y'mei Teshuva forced me to do just that. And, I figured out how to begin having the relationship that I once had, that I want. It's hard work; I'll admit. Much of it is also not letting the big black things get in the way. It's easy to let those things that are just too hard to not do (at this point) get in the way of all the things you can do with a little effort. It's about working offense and defense. I'm working on my davening, began to learn a really good sefer about connecting to G-d, and I'm also reclaiming control from my yetzer hara -- one lo saseh at a time.

I realized that I can't just do whatever I want and complain that I don't feel like Judaism speaks to me. The more one puts in, the more s/he gets out. Yes, I still feel like having my own family would help part of that issue...as I still maintain that Yiddishkeit is largely about family life. However, there is so much I can do individually -- just me and HK"BH.

At the end of Yom Kippur yesterday at "Hashem Hu Ha Elokim," when with each articulation the Shechinah goes further up to shamyim and leaves our midst, I cried because I didn't want Hashem to leave. It was the same feeling I had the last time I left Israel, my last trip to the kosel. I wept because I didn't want to leave that feeling of closeness I had to Hashem. I begged G-d to stay with me as I went back to Chutz LaEretz, and in this case, as the shaarei shamyim were closing and He was ascending back to Heaven.

But, after Yom Kippur comes Sukkos: the holiday of joy. Hashem stays with us for another week! If only I could bask in His Presence the whole time and stay on that level to feel so connected. There are just so many distractions. I wish I worked at a Jewish place, then I wouldn't have work and my jumbled schedule as a constant worry. I wish other things were different and didn't get in the way of the simcha of the chag. I wish I was able to really focus on purely spiritual things (and only the yom tov-dik physical ones). It's just so hard! It's difficult to find the balance between that world and this one. Hmmm, relationships take work...

Uphill Battling

Why is my ratzon stronger than Hashem's ratzon to me? I'm only human, I know, but then it's only a human whim that I'm fighting. I want to not give into this desire, at least during the aseres y'mei teshuva, but I'm finding that it's almost too difficult for me. I held out for a day and a half, and now I feel like I must give in. I don't even feel like my yetzer hara is playing fair. I don't have a fighting chance.

Perhaps breaking my will is much like exercising. In the beginning, a new workout strains one's muscles, and he has every aching cell yelling for a truce. However, as he continues to workout, the charley horse lessens and then disappears; the workout soon becomes almost easy. He begins to enjoy it. The key, though, is to start out slow and gradually build.

I feel as if my yetzer hara is telling me that I need to take baby steps here just so that it can make me slip up. Don't I have the self-control to just not give in at all?

Not Ready to Face The Judge

I’m just really not ready for Rosh Hashana this year. I mean, when are we really ever ready? But this year, I’m dreading it. I think it’s because this year I’ve just let so much slip. It’s been really hard. I let go of some things that were important to me. The worst part is that when I think about it, they’re just no longer important. I have no inkling in changing any of it back right now. I don’t know if I just don’t have the oomph to put in the work, or what. I’ve let myself become numb. I sort of allowed myself to be convinced that I’m okay with the way I am. My stringency in Halacha has slackened. My boundaries in terms of the media I read, watch, and listen to have slipped. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, per se, I’m just not as focused, close to G-d as I was before.

My way of dealing with life’s challenges has just been to back away a little and numb myself to the pain. I know that part of this is the feeling of not belonging. Yiddishkeit is so much about family life. Without my own family, but with a burning desire to find my husband and start my own family, it’s just been…difficult. Despite vaguely realizing that what I do now becomes who I am and who I will be when I eventually have the responsibility of looking out for a husband’s and family’s ruchniyus, I just can’t bring myself to make those changes or sacrifices. I’ve been exposed to and exposed myself to things that have made it hard for me to keep my focus. There’s so much more to life than what I knew when I was able to keep my priorities straight. Now I just feel like I’m surviving rather than thriving.

I’ve accomplished a lot academically, I know, but now my life has become this grind of slogging through each day at a job where I hate my boss and my supervisor and wish I was somewhere else. It's a lot easier when you're looking toward a goal; once the milestone's been attained, it's harder to feel like you're going somewhere. It’s hard to focus on personal growth when you’re just trying to survive one day at a time. I’ve worked on myself as a person, so maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, but really, I feel like my Yiddishkeit has slipped.

It’s hard to face Hashem and go through the motions of being mamlech Him as melech, when despite knowing deep down that He has plan for me, I’m just finding it hard to reconcile what my life has become. I’m talking about the parts that I have no control over. How many times have I davened for Hashem to give me what I need so I can serve Him? How many times have I felt that He just doesn’t hear me? I think I’ve taken to not caring anymore. I’m still passionate about my values; I still care about mitzvos and halacha and stuff, but there’s this little part of me that just thinks that maybe it doesn’t all matter as much as I always thought it did. It scares me to say it, because I think that somewhere in the recesses of my heart/mind I know that it’s not true and it’s this warped coping mechanism I’ve developed. This is what the pain has done to me.

And now I’m facing Rosh Hashana. There’s so much going on, it’s partially still the summer, my work schedule is a mess, and I’m having a hard time concentrating on the fact that it’s going to be Rosh Hashana. Unprepared doesn’t even begin to describe it. No matter how much time or mental energy I had, I wouldn’t be able to prepare. It’s because, like I said, I just don’t care anymore. I’m sure I’ll go to shul on Yom Tov and daven fervently, but then I’ll be bored the rest of the day and end up sleeping or reading to while away the time.

I really just don’t know what to do with what my life has become. Is there some way to fix it? I know what I’m lacking, but I’m pretty powerless to claim it. It’s all in the hands of G-d, who for some reason unbeknownst to me doesn’t think I need it as much as I do. Every tefilla now is the same. How come I’m just not worthy? What am I missing? What does Hashem want from me? What am I supposed to do this Rosh Hashana when I feel like it’s all become a show? When have I started feeling so disconnected?

I know Hashem loves me, as I Him, but can’t begin to understand the world He put me into, the challenges He has given me. Does the fact that I’m still me somewhat mean that I’ve triumphed, or should I have done things differently? Life is so confusing. I think I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given, but there’s this nagging voice in my head that tells me that I’m being too soft on myself, negligent. I know I’m stronger in some ways, but in others, I’ve really just thrown in the towel. What is this voice? Is it the yetzer hara trying to make me feel dejected and down on myself? Or perhaps it’s my conscience telling me I need to shape up? Do I even care enough anymore?

I once heard from a reputable source that if you listen attentively enough, if you let yourself be honest with yourself, then you will know if something is you or yetzer hara. I honestly don’t know here. It seems like it can be both. Perhaps it’s the yetzer hara saying it’s the yetzer hara so I won’t make any changes. I don’t know, it’s my coping mechanisms that are probably the worst, make me feel numb to it all. But then if I give those up, how will I cope? Arggh, how is that I can help countless others to get over whatever it is that’s bothering them and to reach their potential, but I can’t help myself?

My Life Is A Romantic Comedy

...minus the romance.

Well, what can I say? The wedding yesterday was unexpectedly fun. Sure, I'd anticipated it would be somewhat enjoyable, but not like it was. I don't know, maybe it was just about being able to let loose a little. Perhaps it was the pent-up energy from sitting in too much traffic, the adrenaline rush from going from idle to overdrive super quickly. Maybe it was the feeling of being made-up and dressed to the nines, knowing I was turning heads as I walked by. (Alright, I know that sounds vain, but I was living in the moment...) Or could it have been being surrounded by testosterone, the type that doesn't refuse to make eye contact with females, all the cute guys that were pretty undeniably taken? Okay, I admit, there are different types of taken, and just maybe I'm not accustomed to everyone having to bring a date to a wedding. And, possibly the 'cute' part is the alcohol talking -- beer goggles and all that. I promise, I only had two drinks, a Sea Breeze and a Mojito, but it could be that the open bar was contributing to the buzz. I think, though, that the stunning decor, ambiance, and good food helped a lot too. Thinking back, I was in a really good mood, uber confident, totally chilled, super loose, chattering a lot, a bit less inhibited than usual, but that was even before I took one sip of free drinks. Hmmm, well, there's definitely overtiredness somewhere in that mix too to blame.

As I was leaving, I passed a guy in the lobby already in his street clothes; his T-shirt read, "I am awesome." I had the stupid inclination to ask him if it was just his shirt that was awesome, or the dude inside it too. I considered greeting him, "Hey 'Awesome,' nice to meet you!" I didn't. I don't really remember what he looked like, since it was his shirt that stood out, but perhaps I just didn't think he was worth it, even in my fake-buzz, hyper, overtired state.

Pulling out of the place, I passed friends posing and taking pictures by the lit-up coach out front. In my high-minded mood I sent them a text that read: "Hey gorgeous, You left your glass slipper. Call me if you want it back. Signed, Your Handsome Prince Charming." The text was sent anonymously, so we had some good fun with that one during our car ride home.

The day was definitely worth the road trip, even if there was excessive traffic both ways. I couldn't help but wonder though, as I do by almost every wedding I attend, when my prince will arrive.