Turbulence

We enjoyed relatively smooth sailing, but we're a normal family, so we rode the waves a bit, all under normal circumstances like parent-teenage clashes over friendships and small sibling rivalries under the guise of "whose turn is it to...," and the like. It wasn't until I got on this roller coaster of a ride called shidduchim that all this turbulence began.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated with my family before this tekufah. Granted, I think it's difficult to be an adult child under your parents' roof no matter what the circumstances, especially when you're not married. Because I'm unattached I feel like I'm often still treated like a child. My parents don't tell my married brother, two years my junior, how to live his life...

I get it that my siblings are feeling a little powerless and desperate and are trying to be creative to get me married, and I know they mean well, but I could just scream. The latest and greatest comes from the one who has a chavrusa who has a brother. Always the chavrusa's brother. The way this one was presented though was, "He grew up in the UK. He's in school in the UK. He has never left the UK. He wants to live in the UK. Is that a deal breaker for you?"

So, this is one of my pet peeves. You can't tell me one detail about someone and ask me if I want to marry him. It's like saying, "Want some cake? It has flour in it." What other ingredients does it have? How can I make a decision based on one detail?

"I don't know anything else, but I just want to know if that's a deal breaker before I start working on it."

That's not fair. It doesn't make sense practically, because I live and work here. I can't quit my job to go to England to date someone, even if I felt like he could be in the ballpark. If you don't grow up with shared backgrounds, culturally and hashkafically you're probably light years apart. I have zero information to tell you whether it would be worth my while to even entertain the idea. Even so, I'm made to look like the inflexible one here.

Why in the world do you think it's an idea in the first place if you don't know anything about him; is it because he's "a little older?" You don't have to hustle that much.

Then there are the parental units. Of course they only have my good in mind, but while they're usually really good about giving me space, they sometimes forget that I'm an adult and that I need to make my own decisions and mistakes.

The constant debate is about "looking into" names. While they think you need to do as much research as you possibly can (you can't really be sure that what people say about someone is what you think they're saying anyway, so what's the point), I feel like it's a big waste of time. Yes, I want to know something about the person I might date, enough to know if it's shyuch at all, but often I can tell if it's worthwhile from date one. All those phone calls and stress because we can't find someone who can actually talk to this point about him or that, are totally superfluous.

They get upset when I "give a yes," without discussing it with them. I try not to do that, but I can't always wait for the investigation team to complete its operations. I don't feel it's right to make someone wait so long for an answer, especially if I'm going to end up saying "thanks but no thanks."

The problem then is that no good can come from going behind their back, because I respect them too much. If I then tell them that I'm doing x,y,z, we end up fighting about it. It's a catch-22.

Before this parsha, we didn't argue like this. I hate how this has made everyone so emotional and desperate.

How Long Should A First Date Be?

Again with the rules and regulations of dating...I feel like this one should be intuitive, but I'm going to spell it out here, because so often it goes so wrong. I'm sure many out there may not agree with this, but I guess because it's my blog, this is about my preferences. Everyone is welcome to have their own opinions and methods.

While it could be organic, letting the date naturally come to an end when the two of you have effectively checked off all your first date duties, ie. making small talk and getting a general sense of the person, for some reason, perhaps simply because you generally do not know this person you're on a first date with and can't read their subtle cues, this doesn't always work out very well. We're then left with a question of how long should this first date ideally be?

There are a few things to consider in this equation. It's considered rude for a young man to take a girl home too soon even if the date is going disastrously (perhaps because that means he's writing her off or disregarding the effort it took to get to this point in the dating process, who knows), and on her end, it's a yeihareg v'al ya'avor for her to end a date. Also, while the fellow may be enjoying himself and his date's company, perhaps she's not enjoying herself at all. He may not know that because he may not be able to tell if she's having a good time, because he's just met her. Additionally, first dates can only go so long, even if the couple hits it off, because it's generally all small talk. There's only so much small talk you can do at a time. Did I mention I hate small talk?

Save for those unlikely exceptions, I think first dates should have a 2-3 hour cap. And, honestly, if the date is a non-starter, just check in with each other and see if you guys want to continue to pull teeth, or you can graciously give up after an hour or so (long enough to know you gave it a fair shot) and not waste more of each others' time.

The Perfect Shidduch

"I know a guy. Do you think he's for you?"

"Uhh, what can you tell me about him?"

"I don't really have any details, but can you send me your resume?"

"Sure, but I'm just curious, why do you think it's a good idea if you don't really know him?"

"Why are you being so picky? Don't you want to get married?!"

(Silence. There's no good answer to that one.)

"And send me a picture, but not that one or that one. C'mon! Don't you have a better picture? Here, let me take one right now."

I know you mean well, but just because he has a Y chromosome and wears some version of a head-covering does not mean that it's the "perfect shidduch." I know you think you're being helpful when you hear of a guy who is "a little bit older," so you think of me. Honestly, age is just a number and I wouldn't "say no" because of age (unless he's 7+ years older than me), but we do have to be able to relate.

Guy X, a guy who I didn't think was shyuch for me (mostly because of the generation gap), worked for many months trying to figure out who could convince me to go out with him (and he managed to find several). I finally agreed to see him, and we couldn't find one single thing to talk about. His siblings were my parents' age, his nieces and nephews were my age, his parents my grandparents' age. We didn't grow up in the same generation. We just didn't have anything in common.

You don't think it matters that he's 5'3"? No, I'm not 5'4"(when was the last time you saw me in person?), and actually an inch does matter. I'm 5'6," and, in reality, several inches matter. I'm most comfortable with quite a few inch height difference, where he's a good number of inches taller than 5'6".  (But, for the record, I will go out with someone if he doesn't meet this preference if everything else about him sounds on the mark. When the only things you know about him/are telling me are strikes against him in my book, we're already starting from negative territory.)

Not only his religious observance, but his hashkafos and frumkeit boil down to values. Those are not superficial differences! It's actually the backbone of the relationship. I probably can get along with anyone if I like him enough, but as a friend, not a spouse!

It's okay if you don't know anyone for me, especially if you don't know me. I would be happy to have a conversation with you about me and what I'm seeking in a spouse if you're really that interested. I would also appreciate that you extend this curtesy to the guy who you are suggesting for me so that you know something about him aside from his age.

What Type of Dater Are You?

The Romantic -- You fiercely believe in love in its finest form and impress these feelings onto your relationships. It may result in scaring someone off, falling for the wrong person, and/or attempting to turn your life into a movie. Or, may result in some of the best, most inspiring, deepest relationships.

Romantics' types include, but are not limited to, ENFJs and ENFPs.

The Adventurer -- You seek out a life partner primarily for life's adventures, and you don't feel the need for overly romantic gestures, saccharine phrases, or deep discussions about life. May result in minimizing serious emotions and the like in favor of "just seeing where things go." Or, may result in a fun, spontaneous relationship that keeps both parties excited and satisfied.

Typically ESFPs, ESTPs.

The Serial Monogamist -- It's most uncomfortable for you to be alone. Feelings of love and romance are not virtually as strong as the Romantic's, but you have an intense need to be with someone at every stage. May result in jumping into a relationship without having gotten over another one first, settling for someone for as not to be alone, and not taking the time to figure out who you are on your own. Or, may result in powerful commitment that can help a commitment-phobe give love a real shot.

Typically ENTJs, INTPs.

The Drifter -- You generally seek solitude and freedom from "being tied down." May result in missed opportunities and treating others poorly (as you're not really that into connecting like they may be). Or, may result in a high level of self- awareness and confidence in relationships that you do choose to stay in. 

Typically INTJs, ENTPs, ISTPs.

The Cynic -- You refuse to buy into anything the movies, your friends, or your lovey-dovey grandmother has told you about love and romance. You primarily believe that most relationships are doomed and try to protect yourself when you find yourself in them. May result in holding back from expressing your feelings, mostly expecting things to go wrong, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or, may result in amazing loyalty once you do let someone in because you do this so infrequently and take it very seriously.

Typically INFJs, ISFJs, ISFPs.

The Loyalist -- Your greatest strength when it comes to love is your devotion. You're not as idealistic as the Romantic, but you probably will fall much more deeply when it happens. May result in getting stuck in the past, overlooking a partner's flaws, and, honestly, allowing yourself to get walked all over. Or, may result in special capacity to forgive and let things go, lending space to heal and create a super strong bond.

Typically ISTJs, ESTJs.

The Dreamer -- You view romance and relationships as the ultimate act of self-fulfillment, seeking constant change and growth. May result in a perpetual desire to define and improve relationships and lose faith when relationships doesn't turn out exactly as you imagined. Or, may result in incredibly deep romantic connections and emotional bonds. 

Typically INFPs, ESFJs.

Obviously, life experience plays a large part in molding your Dater persona. For this reason, you may find that you exhibit a combination of these characteristics and can't define yourself by one type. Also, your personality type may not place you in a category here, as your Myers-Briggs traits aren't typically expressed. And of course, you may not have bought into pop culture, and so you don't not have any of these above notions about love and romance.

Thanks to the Shadchan

We have a practice of giving shadchanus to the shadchan involved in a successful shidduch.  It's hakaras hatov, it's mesora, it's important.

It's also important to extend your appreciation to those who set you up even when it does not work out. It is difficult sometimes to do this when the guy/girl was really not for you, and/or you spend a couple of weeks in turmoil dating someone. Either way, this third party extended time, effort, etc. even before you met your date. It's only proper to say thank you.

Saying thank you should be a given, and writing a thank you note (card or even email) is even better. A small gift is nice too; a big gift more appropriate for a longer dating stint and/or a situation where the person put in a lot of work.

There have been stories about people who forgot to give their shadchan shadchanus and all sorts of bad things happened. Hakaras hatov is super important. In a similar vein, it's essential to thank those that set you up even if it doesn't go past a few dates. I've heard the idea that a bas kol named, not only your zivug, but all the people that you need to/will date before meeting the right one. So, "shadchanus" is appropriate in both situations. If you don't end up marrying the person, give hakaras hatov on a smaller scale.

Being a shadchan can be a thankless job when your effort doesn't pay off. Don't be one of those people who forget to say thanks to the shadchan.

Smart Ways to Date

If you've been dating for awhile, you probably know what does and doesn't work for you in negotiating a relationship. Hopefully you know how to successfully navigate the playing field, or maybe you don't, and perhaps these insights will come in handy.

As always, I'm going to start with a caveat: no one thing works for everyone. You have to know yourself, and obviously differently people operate differently. Here are just a few random tips that I've picked up along the way.

▶︎ I've seen it where people get so paralyzed by "I'm not sure if I really like this person! Maybe I should stop dating him/her." Perhaps because of the desperation factor for many, they may keep dating someone they should have let go a long time ago. On the flip side, people may break up too quickly, because there is something superficial that is bothering them.

There is no timeline. Dating someone is not commitment to marriage.  The only commitment in saying "yes" to go out again is the commitment of one more date. Instead of dating with the mindset of "Do I want to marry this person?" In the beginning, try working with, "Do I want to spend more time with this person?" If the idea of sharing another couple hours with your date is appealing, go for it. If it isn't, you need to ask yourself very seriously why not and if you should still be going out.

▶︎ Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, and let the other person know what you're thinking. It's always a positive practice to communicate effectively. Shidduch dating can be stressful, especially when there's a third party go-between that is micromanaging the relationship. Being open and honest with each other is extremely important toward building a healthy relationship. If you have an issue with something that happened or something that is going on, talk about it. Keep things simple; say what you feel, and don't beat around the bush. (And IMHO here, things work a lot better when you communicate directly to set up dates. You're both adults; you can handle it.)

▶︎ Don't assume people will change. What you see is what you get. Your date is not your project; you cannot, and should not, try to fix, change, or domesticate someone. Every person needs to be individually responsible for treating the other right, being accountable, committing, and staying connected. One of you can't carry the relationship alone. If you're uncomfortable with things each other do while you're dating, or your relationship dynamic, it's a red flag. These things don't change after you get married.  

▶︎ Throw out your "list," and stop vetting your dates against what you are "looking for." That's fine to do while you are evaluating whether or not you want to go out with said individual, but once you're already dating him/her, stop trying to check off boxes. Does it feel right? Do you share the same values? The person you end up marrying may not match that picture you had in your head all your life, and that's okay! (Also, stop comparing him/her to other people you've dated. It's not helpful.)

▶︎ It's always a good idea when you're ending a relationship to define why. If you had a good run, even if you didn't date each other that long, but you got emotionally involved, try to talk things out and clarify what happened. It will help you later if you have thoughts about trying again. More on communication, clarity and closure another time.

▶︎ Pay attention to what people who have your best interests at heart are saying about who you are in the relationship you're in. It's always possible that some people won't "get" the person you're dating. If it's a personal preference type thing, feel free to ignore; however, that's totally different than people saying that they don't like who you've become, or they get bad vibes about the guy/girl. It's usually nearly impossible to be objective, so that feedback is important.  

Are We All Broken?

Things that define someone as "damaged," ie. hold people back from walking down the aisle, is perhaps a different post. (Whether more complicated/multifaceted people, take longer to get married is another topic as well.) The subject here, are all singles over a certain age "broken," ie. worn down by the system, jaded, and/or hurt?

Recently, a friend of mine was complaining about a guy she was dating's behavior. The shadchan told her that at this stage everyone is going to "have something." Does this mean that every single over a certain age has something wrong with him/her and that is why they're single, or being in shidduchim this long ravages our emotional wellbeing?

In a conversation with a fellow on a date, he suggested that you can assume that everyone over a certain age has had a broken engagement or otherwise serious relationship(s). It's not a blanket truth, but generally singles at a certain stage have had their fair share of heartbreak. But, that's the thing, you don't have to walk around with a broken heart until your intended sweeps you away on a white stallion and applies the salve.

In life it is always up to us to fix ourselves. We cannot blame our problems on what happens to us; we must get up and do something about it. We get hurt all the time, but it's up to us what happens next. We have more control than we often allow ourselves to realize. Maybe he didn't have good role models, but then what did he do about that? Perhaps someone crushed my trust in humanity, but what will I do to rebuild that?

I don't believe that we all have to be broken. Mended perhaps, but not broken. There is a big difference. Maybe I'm not as carefree as I was prior to a heartbreak, but I'm stronger for it. Maybe I'm a little more cautious, because I've learned a lesson. I don't let wounds stay open; I work hard to heal myself. So, no, we don't all have to "have something."

To the point regarding if every single over a certain age has something wrong with him/her and that is why they're single...there is no one statement that defines us all. This type of stereotype is unhelpful and demeaning. It also does not mean that there aren't things wrong with people who are not married. Case by case. At some point I'll explore some things that hold people back from tying the knot.

In the meantime, let's all work on being mended, not broken.