When I was younger I thought I would get married right away.
Now as I'm writing this I don't exactly know what "right away" actually means. I guess I thought this would be easy. Maybe put in my time, date a few people, but quickly find the right one to build a life with. I know that I thought dating was cool and fun for a few years. I loved (and still do) meeting new people, seeing new places, making connections, etc. But after awhile it got tiresome. It's no longer fun. I want to fast forward to the end of this segment of my story.
I guess I never really had to struggle like this. I've led a blessed life, if you will. If I wanted something, was willing to work for it, I got it, for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had any pain; I've had conflicts, I've had things I needed to work through. Yet, dating has taken it to a whole new level.
Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad, some days I don't know how to feel. But then I remember, marriage may be a rite of passage, but it isn't a right. I get upset because I feel like I should be married. It's how things are supposed to happen.
What if I changed the narrative? What if I stopped thinking that I need to be married right now and focus on all the other amazing things I can do with my life, that I am doing with my life?
Perhaps if I didn't have younger siblings wanting me to get married already so they can get married guilt-free, or if all my friends weren't married with kids, etc., maybe that would make it easier. Even so, why do we live our lives so focused on everyone else? Our lives, our paths, diverge; no one has the same tafkid or needs the same things. It's so hard to remember this. I have this idea of how things should be, but, really, there are no "shoulds" or "supposed to bes."
Up until this "parsha," my life was sort of this easy cruise. Granted there were some roadblocks, but nothing that some redirecting couldn't get around. This is different. This is like being stuck in inching traffic with multiple crashes and watching the other cars in other lanes speeding by. But I'm not in those other lanes, and I need to make this meaningful. Stop making it "waiting," but "building" in it of itself.
I thought I knew how my life would unfold. I can't tell the future, and however convenient that might be, that would probably take away some of my free choice. It's not how life works. I have learned that expectations lead to disappointment. Thinking things should be a certain way leads to defeat. And so, I will live my life with an open mind and embrace all the opportunities and positive things I do have.
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Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Forget to Forget You –– Guest Post
A couple weeks ago I was sitting in shul listening to Krias HaTorah, when all of sudden, out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head. That day marked one year since I met my ex. Completely out of nowhere I went from attentively listening to the leining, to my mind drifting off, remembering and reminiscing about the relationship that ended too soon.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Now, a little background: I met this person at an event out of town. After spending the whole event, and the next day, talking, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to pursue. The only problem was, we didn’t live in the same city. Now, long distance relationships are especially tough, but that it is a different post entirely. While we both thought that this was a relationship that was going to last, and the idea of marriage had already been spoken about, needless to say that didn’t happen and we broke up.
That was 9 months ago.
Now here I was sitting in shul, months post breakup, and everything came crashing back. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I haven't thought about her in the past 9 months. I have. But the sheer suddenness of it was like a punch in the gut, a literal moment of feeling so bad that it hurt.
I recently heard a song that I think expresses everything with just the title: "Forget to Forget You."
Now, we all know that dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t actually do any good. Yes, you can look back and learn from mistakes that were made. Yes, sometimes reliving those memories, the closeness that you had can make things feel better for a time. But, eventually you go from remembering that special thing to remembering how what you had thought was going to be everlasting was actually both finite and over. You go from that brief time of being happy to the anguish and heartbreak all over again.
Whoever said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger was wrong. When something breaks, even though it can be put back together, it's never quite the same, and it is intrinsically weaker. Why put yourself through that pain multiple times?
Now, I know that is easy to say, and I will confess that I am the first person that needs that advice. I am the one that says “do what I say not what I do.” It is okay to think back on your past from time to time...as long as you don’t dwell on it. Everyone has those moments where they are shopping and hear a song that reminds them of a good time, drives past a place where they had an amazing date, or even when they wake up and realize that today is their ex's birthday, or perhaps it would have been an anniversary.
It happens, and it hurts. But to compound the problem by dwelling on things that you cannot change isn’t going to help the matter.
Like the song says, “I forget to forget you sometimes.”
Last night marked the start of Chanukah. I sat there looking at the menorah, thinking about the various miracles, and it reminded me that sometimes we just have to have faith. If a small family can overthrow the whole Syrian-Greek army, if one little jar of oil can last nights, then I can make it through when things are rough. Like the Jews during Chanukah, I just need to put my faith in Hashem, and things will end up how they are supposed to.
We all have to go through this at some time or another. For some, dating is like getting on the expressway. They drive on a road that cuts through all the topography, and they reach their destination quickly. For others, they take the old routes, go with the land, up the mountains, down in the valleys, the curves, and the straightaways, and they get to see the scenery. Sometimes its beautiful, and sometimes its not. It takes longer, but in the end we all end up in the same spot.
Just remember, happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
When It Rains It Pours
Someone once shared their wit about the shidduch system. "The girls are all lost in a desert, the guys in a forest." I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I mean, I get it. Girls tend to wait around for someone to express interest in going out with them. (Tumbleweed meme, anyone?) Guys generally are bombarded with names. Is either side easier than the other?
Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)
Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.
This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.
When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.
I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)
Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.
Personally, I would like to think that as a girl when a resume comes across my inbox it would be somewhat on target. I mean, the resumes without "a yes" from a guy are meaningless to me and those aren't even considered suggestions. (I learned this a long time ago. While I might decide such a resume looks interesting and wait to hear back about his interest, in reality the guy has probably never even heard my name. Or he did, and my profile is buried somewhere along with the rest of names that make him feel oh so sought-after and special. But, that doesn't mean he's even glanced at any of them.) And so, when a guy is interested in me, one would think that it at least makes superficial sense. That's more than we can say about the names that lots of guys get. Often shadchanim throw spaghetti at a wall and see if anything sticks. (Different discussion altogether. Maybe a rant for a future post.)
Either way, it's been a bit of an experience for me lately. Often I tend to get "yeses" sort of clumped together. I might have a spell where I won't go out in a few months, and then all of a sudden in the same week I'll get two or three yeses. It's weird how this happens.
This one is a new level though. In a two week period I received about a minyan of "yeses." Surprisingly most of them were via people that I actually know. Not surprisingly I was able to nix at least half of them right away. And of the ones remaining, I may not even go out with any of them.
When I was venting my frustration and stress about this, a friend said to me, "At least you have names." When I shared how stressful it was and how it makes me question if I'm saying "no thank you" to G-d when He may be sending me my zivug in a package that makes no sense to me and having to figure that out, she took back her comment. (Yeah, yeah, I know by now who I can talk to about these things. It's the "Well I'm sorry you're so popular" comment that gets me. I won't rub this in your face, because I know that any attention would feel nice to you, but a bunch of people not for me doesn't feel that nice. Different nisayon that ultimately has the same end.) I honestly sometimes wish for the empty, quiet bus stop.
I'm hoping this is the part of the game where everything kind of flies at you at once, and you have to dodge, duck, jump, and/or slash the oncoming hurdles to reach the finish line. (Those wolverine claws would come in handy just about now.)
Pouring rain isn't awesome. Slogging through the puddles is really uncomfortable. I just want one, the clarity to know he is The One, and that's it. I don't want to date anyone that isn't for me, especially with my track record.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
To Date. Not to Date. Questions.
Is going out with someone who is so off the mark worse than not going out at all? (Obviously if you know from the outset that it's a no-go, I beg you to respect yourself more than that. Don't just go out because you want to feel like someone wants to date you. I'm talking about in retrospect, does dating that person that is not even ballpark make you feel worse than not dating at all?)
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind
What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?
Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?
What's the right thing to do here?
I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?
Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?
So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.
Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.
Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.
#ihatethisgame
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Game On
All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.
Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.
I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.
It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:
I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"
I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.
I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.
I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.
The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.
I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?
Monday, November 6, 2017
First Date Syndrome
Often, dating feels like the "First Date" Master of None episode where the Ansari character goes on multiple first dates and they all sort of blend together, each girl he dates bringing out a different aspect of how (endless) dating can turn out.
I don't watch Netflix or comedy generally, so I only know about this episode because someone used it as a term, almost like "Groundhog Day," I guess. Before the Bill Murray movie, did Groundhog Day mean anything aside from February 2 or the day where the little animal in that same family as the woodchuck and gopher comes out of his burrow and if he sees his shadow we have more days of winter? Either way, Master of None "First Date" dating sort of does feel like Groundhog Day.
It's been quite awhile since I've been on a traditional first date, the type where it's practically a blind date, where what I know about the guy is limited to what his references and other random people have told me, and oftentimes I haven't even seen a picture of him. I guess those work well when you hit it off with the person, (rare), but precisely for that reason it's the same script. Getting to know someone, getting comfortable with someone, can be like that. Until you actually have a certain level of comfort, it's hard to feel like it's anything but playing the same role again and again on the dating theater stage.
I had that weird sense of deja vu recently; even when trying to build a relationship with someone, I just couldn't help the feeling of doing the same thing all over again. This is one of the things I really wish I had a time machine to get through, a fast forward button on my life. It's hard to have the emotional energy to give another saga my all not knowing how it will end.
Someone once suggested that I get invested in things too fast, that I give too much of myself. I honestly don't know that there's another way to do it for me. I don't have to share everything with everyone, and I don't, but that's who I am as a person. I connect with people. I want to share my life. I support people –– get invested in their successes, support them through their hardships. And I lean on them to support me through my challenges. I often wish I could know who I will make it to the finish line with. I also wish I could skip all the other relationships.
Yes, I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and 'tis better to have loved and lost...I just need to figure out how to get in, figure out what I need to know, and then get out (or clinch the deal). I guess I also just have come to dislike the small talk and the textbook dating activities and conversations. The problem is when I skip those the relationship fast-tracks and isn't super conducive to marriage, or at least clear-minded rational thought to determine that.
Is there a way off this hamster wheel?
I don't watch Netflix or comedy generally, so I only know about this episode because someone used it as a term, almost like "Groundhog Day," I guess. Before the Bill Murray movie, did Groundhog Day mean anything aside from February 2 or the day where the little animal in that same family as the woodchuck and gopher comes out of his burrow and if he sees his shadow we have more days of winter? Either way, Master of None "First Date" dating sort of does feel like Groundhog Day.
It's been quite awhile since I've been on a traditional first date, the type where it's practically a blind date, where what I know about the guy is limited to what his references and other random people have told me, and oftentimes I haven't even seen a picture of him. I guess those work well when you hit it off with the person, (rare), but precisely for that reason it's the same script. Getting to know someone, getting comfortable with someone, can be like that. Until you actually have a certain level of comfort, it's hard to feel like it's anything but playing the same role again and again on the dating theater stage.
I had that weird sense of deja vu recently; even when trying to build a relationship with someone, I just couldn't help the feeling of doing the same thing all over again. This is one of the things I really wish I had a time machine to get through, a fast forward button on my life. It's hard to have the emotional energy to give another saga my all not knowing how it will end.
Someone once suggested that I get invested in things too fast, that I give too much of myself. I honestly don't know that there's another way to do it for me. I don't have to share everything with everyone, and I don't, but that's who I am as a person. I connect with people. I want to share my life. I support people –– get invested in their successes, support them through their hardships. And I lean on them to support me through my challenges. I often wish I could know who I will make it to the finish line with. I also wish I could skip all the other relationships.
Yes, I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and 'tis better to have loved and lost...I just need to figure out how to get in, figure out what I need to know, and then get out (or clinch the deal). I guess I also just have come to dislike the small talk and the textbook dating activities and conversations. The problem is when I skip those the relationship fast-tracks and isn't super conducive to marriage, or at least clear-minded rational thought to determine that.
Is there a way off this hamster wheel?
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
A Single's Rant: Can We Change The System –– Guest Post
People have mentioned that they think it is extremely sad, even tragic that many girls have to wait so long to find their husbands. Girls who have always made good choices in challenging situations, girls who have such beautifully developed middos, girls who were always cut out to be wives and mothers...they wait and wait for sometimes many years with no end in sight.
But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.
So obviously we are not good enough as is.
Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.
It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.
I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.
The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.
I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.
But I believe that this is only a small part of the tragedy. The real pain comes from the experiences that we go through in the shidduch system. Being informed that we have been added to a boy's list, or that we finally got a yes from a boy, is so demeaning. Like we were finally worthy. Being told that if we just lost a little weight, bought a different wardrobe, moved to a different city, got a better job, made more money, did more chesed, met more shadchanim, etc., then we would surely find someone.
So obviously we are not good enough as is.
Being told that a boy reluctantly agreed to travel to us for the first date, wow that's really romantic. Paying money simply to meet a shadchan who never follows up. Getting redt to boys with obvious terrible social skills. Being straight-out lied to by references.
It will always be hard for people who are searching for their bashert, but the extreme pain from these experiences is, in a large part, avoidable.
I recently decided to try dating outside the shidduch system in the hope of finding someone organically who truly wanted to date me. Soon after, I met someone who I connected with and made me feel like someone special. He expresses how much respect he has for the person I grew into during the time I spent waiting. He constantly verbalizes that I will be a great wife and mother. He says he can't believe I wasn't married long ago because I am a catch. He thanks me for everything all the time. He makes me realize how much I am truly wanted no matter what I may think of myself.
The truth is, it sinks in slowly. It sinks in slowly because of all the years of being made to feel unwanted, unworthy, just number 87 on some guy's list. Someone that no shadchan would think of, someone who desperately needed a new wardrobe, and someone who was not worth a few hour drive to meet.
I'm so thankful that I found someone who is consciously trying to reverse the damage that was done during the past few years. Can we teach our boys to think about this and be sensitive as they navigate the parsha? We can't expect to control when someone meets her zivug, but we can change the way that people think about the process. Let's consider the feelings of those who are anxiously searching for "the one," and be positive, selfless, motivating, and nonjudgmental.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Healthy Relationships: Empaths and Codependents
I think we pay a lot of attention to what feels right, shared values, checking things off our "list," etc., while dating, but how often do we pay attention to the health of a relationship? (Perhaps I should first ask if the way we date actually even allows us to create relationships for us to pay attention to their patterns and health. That's a different topic altogether, but for the purpose of this post, I'm going to assume that we do have that opportunity. I guess if it isn't before engagement and marriage, the development of a real relationship happens after marriage.) People generally believe that once they finally find "The One," they can ride off into the sunset. Relationships take work, and they're not always smooth sailing from the get-go.
There are many different personality profiles that work (better or worse) together in a relationship, as well as many healthy and/or unhealthy relationship patterns, but here I'm going to focus on my personal experience and talk about empaths in relationships. I've written before about what I feel about being an empath...or rather having numerous characteristics of an empath.
With relation to empaths, there are various types of "energy vampires" that tend to suck vitality from anyone, but empaths in particular, which obviously is a setup for an unhealthy relationship. Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about the line between empaths and codependents, ie. what role does the empath play in this dysfunction? Let me back up a bit. I'll do my best to try to define these terms for you, so you know what we're talking about.
Dr. Judith Orloff, M.D., the author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People explains that the trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions because of his or her high sensitivities. Empaths filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. They're highly sensitive with big hearts, ie. givers, nurturers, and good listeners. They "pick up" on others' emotions, are highly intuitive, have highly tuned physical senses, feel others' pain (sometimes too much), and give a lot to others (sometimes to the extent that they deplete themselves).
There are many different personality profiles that work (better or worse) together in a relationship, as well as many healthy and/or unhealthy relationship patterns, but here I'm going to focus on my personal experience and talk about empaths in relationships. I've written before about what I feel about being an empath...or rather having numerous characteristics of an empath.
With relation to empaths, there are various types of "energy vampires" that tend to suck vitality from anyone, but empaths in particular, which obviously is a setup for an unhealthy relationship. Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about the line between empaths and codependents, ie. what role does the empath play in this dysfunction? Let me back up a bit. I'll do my best to try to define these terms for you, so you know what we're talking about.
Dr. Judith Orloff, M.D., the author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People explains that the trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions because of his or her high sensitivities. Empaths filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. They're highly sensitive with big hearts, ie. givers, nurturers, and good listeners. They "pick up" on others' emotions, are highly intuitive, have highly tuned physical senses, feel others' pain (sometimes too much), and give a lot to others (sometimes to the extent that they deplete themselves).
Codependency at its best/worst looks pretty messy and dysfunctional. It involves people relying on their partner in unhealthy/unbalanced relationships to gain personal esteem or even their identity. It can be classified similar to how an addiction might be. Someone feels good about himself or herself or maintains his or her identity only through the relationship. However, at its most basic, it looks more like what I once heard someone suggest codependency is –– someone caring about someone else's problems more than the sufferer himself does. Another way I heard it defined was that someone might feel responsible to "fix,""save," or take care of someone, often not realizing that this is taking a toll on himself or herself, and that s/he is putting the other person's needs before his or her own. Often this plays out as the person not recognizing that he's sacrificing his own wants/needs for another and simply thinking that he has no preference (ie. "wants" or "needs").
Here's a link to patterns and characteristics of a codependent if you'd like to read more about it.
Follow this (another link) to read a great poem someone recently sent me about codependent relationships. It speaks to how often relationships can become enmeshed, how one's identity begins to depend on the other person's feelings and his sense of self becomes defined by the ups and downs of the relationship.
Follow this (another link) to read a great poem someone recently sent me about codependent relationships. It speaks to how often relationships can become enmeshed, how one's identity begins to depend on the other person's feelings and his sense of self becomes defined by the ups and downs of the relationship.
Back to our main discussion, I relate to a lot of the typical characteristics of empaths and also to a few characteristics of codependents (and to me I feel like there's a big overlap). As I've been reading, it's easy for empaths to fall into codependent patterns if they are not vigilant about it. It's a lot about being aware of one's own needs and setting good boundaries. It takes two to tango, and both sides need to be aware of their behaviors and attitudes. One person should never have to be responsible for, or carry the entire burden of, a relationship.
It would probably be easy for me to fall into caretaker mode or give into what the other person wants in a relationship (to an unhealthy degree), and so I know I need to be on top of setting good boundaries. In a similar way, I need to do my best to be careful to not get into a relationship with someone who would take advantage of this fact, because despite how good my boundaries might be, it's easy for me to slip into that "giving/saving" role. In the same vein, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a codependent's care-taking, because I believe it's important for there to be two autonomous people in a relationship. Two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a complete union.
It would probably be easy for me to fall into caretaker mode or give into what the other person wants in a relationship (to an unhealthy degree), and so I know I need to be on top of setting good boundaries. In a similar way, I need to do my best to be careful to not get into a relationship with someone who would take advantage of this fact, because despite how good my boundaries might be, it's easy for me to slip into that "giving/saving" role. In the same vein, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a codependent's care-taking, because I believe it's important for there to be two autonomous people in a relationship. Two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a complete union.
This article tackles topics like love addiction, empaths, codependency, healing, and healthy relationships. If you don't want to read all of it, I suggest skipping to about midway through and reading "Empathic Codependency" and "Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship."
With all this talk about codependency, it is important for me to mention that we do need others. Having someone to support you and you him/her, having someone you can rely on and vice versa, caring for someone/someone caring for you, being sensitive to someone else's needs, etc., is a big part of relationships. In July, I blogged about recognizing your needs and how important it is that you identify what they are and can be sure that your partner is able and willing to fulfill them. Independent but connected. Fully responsible for your own life but being committed to and close to those you love (a self-differentiated adult).
There is a fine line between "saving" and "supporting," "being responsible for" and "being sensitive to." One's happiness or sense of self should never be dependent on his relationship or how much he can help/save/fix others. To understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship, I would recommend reading about and identifying your attachment style.
Overall, I think most important is the willingness to work on oneself and how you relate to someone in a relationship, as every relationship can be different and bring out different patterns for each person. You never want to lose yourself, or trample someone else's sense of self, in your relationship.
There is a fine line between "saving" and "supporting," "being responsible for" and "being sensitive to." One's happiness or sense of self should never be dependent on his relationship or how much he can help/save/fix others. To understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship, I would recommend reading about and identifying your attachment style.
Overall, I think most important is the willingness to work on oneself and how you relate to someone in a relationship, as every relationship can be different and bring out different patterns for each person. You never want to lose yourself, or trample someone else's sense of self, in your relationship.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Let's Break It Down: Why Breakups Hurt So Much
Okay, yes, it's intuitive that a breakup will probably hurt. How long you dated someone, your feelings for this person, the intensity of the relationship, how much a part of your life your ex was, etc., all play a role in how much the breakup, and getting over this person, will hurt.
Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.
In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.
Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.
There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.
After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.
There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.
There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)
Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.
And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...
Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)
Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.
In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.
Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.
There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.
After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.
There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.
There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)
Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.
And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...
Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)
Friday, August 11, 2017
How Shidduchim Has Changed Within the Last Five Years
While it used to be about waiting by your phone for it to ring, hoping it would be someone with a suggestion for you, the ways shidduchim are brainstormed/redt nowadays has mushroomed quite a bit.
There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.
Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?
I'm not so sure about that.
Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)
However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.
I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.
"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."
"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."
"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"
"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")
Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.
I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.
So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.
Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov. (At least something positive can come from this, right?)
There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.
Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?
I'm not so sure about that.
Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)
However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.
I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.
"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."
"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."
"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"
"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")
Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.
I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.
So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.
Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov. (At least something positive can come from this, right?)
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Is It Okay To Lie About Age?
How much does age really matter?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
Monday, July 24, 2017
Single Come, Single Go: Singles Events and Speed-Dating
"The reason I wouldn't have 'said yes' to date him is the reason it ultimately didn't work out," a friend related to me, describing her experience in dating a guy she first met at a speed-dating event.
Conversely, "The only people I've ever dated more than one or two dates were people I met organically, like at a singles' event," another friend disclosed.
How helpful are these type of events? Is this useful hishtadlus, or is it a waste of time?
I personally like meeting new people, so even if events such as these aren't all that helpful, they can be fun, if not, ultimately, frustrating. Yet, they may be anxiety-producing for others, and so I understand why such people would likely steer clear of them if these events have little to no success rate. (If that's the case...I actually don't know.)
There is an art to organizing a productive singles event. Just putting a bunch of guys and girls in a room or even something semi more organized than that, isn't likely to work very well. I believe if there is decent vetting going on, like let's say at least 10 out of 15 guys there would have been otherwise suggested for me, it could actually work. At the very least I can spend 3 hours, versus 30, to decide if these guys are even ballpark at all. Basically, there needs to be handpicked participants who are similar in many ways.
However, this still may be a fail, because the small amount of time one gets to spend talking to someone at such an event is little more than a embellished photo or video clip of the person. Is it enough time to really give someone a decent shot? I know that some of the guys I've dated longest I probably wouldn't have dated had I met them first for only five minutes. On the other hand, I didn't end up marrying them.
Such events are great for networking and meeting a lot of people at once, yet are we going off of anything more than looks (or better case chein/charisma)? Is it mostly about who makes good first impressions?
Our shidduch system has a lot of flaws, and a big one lies in the fact that singles generally rely on others (shadchanim, friends, whoever) to set them up. Singles events can help remedy this, but in more cases than not when someone sets a couple up, hopefully, there are perceived underlying commonalities and/or reasons. This is missing when people meet at an event like this. Attraction, chemistry, and all that good stuff is left out though in the former situation, because there isn't a way for a third party to know how that might work between the two parties. Meeting organically though starts at the place of attraction or at least superficial interest or "click."
I recently met a guy at a singles' event that strategically I shouldn't have been at; I doubt anybody would have suggested the idea within the shidduch realm. We hit it off right away though, and it'd been awhile since I'd connected like that, or felt comfortable, with someone that quickly (or maybe ever –– the comfortable that quickly part). Long story short, connection and comfort isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, especially when it's about marriage potential. Someone can be an awesome person, and the chemistry can be great, but it doesn't mean it makes sense marriage-wise.
Shidduch "investigations" on either side would have prevented us from dating probably had the idea come about a different way. Obviously we were meant to meet each other and I have no regrets (in fact I gained a lot from the experience), but this is a good example of why third-party suggesting makes sense.
How successful are singles events really?
Conversely, "The only people I've ever dated more than one or two dates were people I met organically, like at a singles' event," another friend disclosed.
How helpful are these type of events? Is this useful hishtadlus, or is it a waste of time?
I personally like meeting new people, so even if events such as these aren't all that helpful, they can be fun, if not, ultimately, frustrating. Yet, they may be anxiety-producing for others, and so I understand why such people would likely steer clear of them if these events have little to no success rate. (If that's the case...I actually don't know.)
There is an art to organizing a productive singles event. Just putting a bunch of guys and girls in a room or even something semi more organized than that, isn't likely to work very well. I believe if there is decent vetting going on, like let's say at least 10 out of 15 guys there would have been otherwise suggested for me, it could actually work. At the very least I can spend 3 hours, versus 30, to decide if these guys are even ballpark at all. Basically, there needs to be handpicked participants who are similar in many ways.
However, this still may be a fail, because the small amount of time one gets to spend talking to someone at such an event is little more than a embellished photo or video clip of the person. Is it enough time to really give someone a decent shot? I know that some of the guys I've dated longest I probably wouldn't have dated had I met them first for only five minutes. On the other hand, I didn't end up marrying them.
Such events are great for networking and meeting a lot of people at once, yet are we going off of anything more than looks (or better case chein/charisma)? Is it mostly about who makes good first impressions?
Our shidduch system has a lot of flaws, and a big one lies in the fact that singles generally rely on others (shadchanim, friends, whoever) to set them up. Singles events can help remedy this, but in more cases than not when someone sets a couple up, hopefully, there are perceived underlying commonalities and/or reasons. This is missing when people meet at an event like this. Attraction, chemistry, and all that good stuff is left out though in the former situation, because there isn't a way for a third party to know how that might work between the two parties. Meeting organically though starts at the place of attraction or at least superficial interest or "click."
I recently met a guy at a singles' event that strategically I shouldn't have been at; I doubt anybody would have suggested the idea within the shidduch realm. We hit it off right away though, and it'd been awhile since I'd connected like that, or felt comfortable, with someone that quickly (or maybe ever –– the comfortable that quickly part). Long story short, connection and comfort isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, especially when it's about marriage potential. Someone can be an awesome person, and the chemistry can be great, but it doesn't mean it makes sense marriage-wise.
Shidduch "investigations" on either side would have prevented us from dating probably had the idea come about a different way. Obviously we were meant to meet each other and I have no regrets (in fact I gained a lot from the experience), but this is a good example of why third-party suggesting makes sense.
How successful are singles events really?
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
To Be A Shadchan
Last week's Hamodia Weekly Magazine featured an article written by a girl in shidduchim.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
"I have been speaking to one shadchan consistently," she writes. "Just one though. He's different than the others. For starters, he knows me and knows what's best for me. Oh, and he likes me. I don't need to start listing everything about me or defending my idiosyncrasies, my preferences...This shadchan's specialty lies in his approachable nature and open lines. He's so thoroughly committed and eager to help that I've never felt like I was inconveniencing him in any way...Maybe he hasn't come through for me yet, but he does what he does really well. He's helped my family in so many ways in the past, and I am confident that he can do so again..."
So, undoubtedly by the end of the description it's quite clear that she's talking about Hashem, the Ultimate Shadchan. It's sweet and all that, but reading it, I was struck by the thought that this could really only describe someone who is not a flesh and blood shadchan.
Why is that?
Why do we feel like we have to defend who we are to shadchanim? Why do we often feel like shadchanim are not reachable or that we're bothering them when we try to touch base? Why is it that so often we feel like we have to prove ourselves to shadchanim, (married) friends/family, the world? Most of the time we know what works for us. We're not making stupid injunctions when we say "x" is important to us. We don't want to just go to go out "because you never know."
I get it that everyone thinks they're doing a big mitzvah by getting an "older" single a date. It isn't about the date though, we've all had plenty of those. We don't want just any date to fill our time. Yes, I know we can't get married if we don't go out, and really, perhaps it will come from the most unlikely place, but please don't treat us like we're stupid or ridiculously stubborn. We might actually know what works or what doesn't.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Being Single vs. Not Being Married
Not being married comes along with various different challenges, such as loneliness/the feeling of lacking close connection with a special someone, feeling stuck, not fitting in/belonging, etc. However, "being single" I almost want to say is a culture or lifestyle, it's so much bigger than just not being married. There are so many ways in which it interrupts your life that it almost becomes your way of life. It's about making "shidduchim" a priority, so you can never really plan other things.
Take this past weekend for instance. I was invited to attend a dating event, and I decided to go for whatever reasons. Jellybeans and all that. The catch is that this event was taking place a few hours away traveling distance. To make it worth the trip, I made plans to do other fun activities with friends while I was there. Friday morning, the event coordinator messaged me saying that in the end she's moving the event to another day. I couldn't back out on my friends, plus I spent about $100 on a show ticket, so I pretty much had to keep to the schedule. Meanwhile, the shadchan in charge of the event felt bad that she hadn't given me more advanced notice, and she decided she was going to "make it up to me." She set me up with a guy that could tell probably wasn't going to be for me. Long story short, I got convinced into going out with him "just for coffee." My friend I was traveling back with had a date, and he could only get to her around 8:00 or 8:30 pm. As not to get frustrated that we were going to leave to go home so late (with work looming bright and early Monday morning), I decided I mind as well go out with the guy-that-I-was-pretty-sure-wasn't-for-me. It was a total bomb, as predicted, and in the end my friend's date cancelled on her. (That's a whole other story of dysfunction.) We could have left much much earlier to get home. Honestly, what sort of comedy of errors would ever occur like this in a married person's life?
There is so much that comes along with being single; it isn't just the not having a spouse, a family, aspect. There's a stigma against anyone that hasn't followed the conveyor belt Judaism path –– people trying to make sense of what this means, should they pity the older single, is there something wrong with him/her, etc. There's the not fitting in in frum society element. There's the always having to make shidduchim a priority at the detriment to the rest of your life (because isn't getting married a priority!?). I'm sure there are so many others, too, that I haven't outlined.
I guess every challenge has its side effects that compound the struggle. Being single is by no means the hardest affliction out there (pain is relative and you cannot measure or compare it), but it seems like it sure interrupts life.
Take this past weekend for instance. I was invited to attend a dating event, and I decided to go for whatever reasons. Jellybeans and all that. The catch is that this event was taking place a few hours away traveling distance. To make it worth the trip, I made plans to do other fun activities with friends while I was there. Friday morning, the event coordinator messaged me saying that in the end she's moving the event to another day. I couldn't back out on my friends, plus I spent about $100 on a show ticket, so I pretty much had to keep to the schedule. Meanwhile, the shadchan in charge of the event felt bad that she hadn't given me more advanced notice, and she decided she was going to "make it up to me." She set me up with a guy that could tell probably wasn't going to be for me. Long story short, I got convinced into going out with him "just for coffee." My friend I was traveling back with had a date, and he could only get to her around 8:00 or 8:30 pm. As not to get frustrated that we were going to leave to go home so late (with work looming bright and early Monday morning), I decided I mind as well go out with the guy-that-I-was-pretty-sure-wasn't-for-me. It was a total bomb, as predicted, and in the end my friend's date cancelled on her. (That's a whole other story of dysfunction.) We could have left much much earlier to get home. Honestly, what sort of comedy of errors would ever occur like this in a married person's life?
There is so much that comes along with being single; it isn't just the not having a spouse, a family, aspect. There's a stigma against anyone that hasn't followed the conveyor belt Judaism path –– people trying to make sense of what this means, should they pity the older single, is there something wrong with him/her, etc. There's the not fitting in in frum society element. There's the always having to make shidduchim a priority at the detriment to the rest of your life (because isn't getting married a priority!?). I'm sure there are so many others, too, that I haven't outlined.
I guess every challenge has its side effects that compound the struggle. Being single is by no means the hardest affliction out there (pain is relative and you cannot measure or compare it), but it seems like it sure interrupts life.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Shidduch Reid: The Talk Demystified Part One
Sometimes the terms we use, while to those "in the parsha" (see below), they make perfect sense, they cause others to scratch their heads trying to understand their meaning. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but a small compilation.
"In the parsha/on the market" –– This is someone on a (sometimes exhausting) journey to find their soulmate using the shidduch system.
"The system" –– This refers to the formalized process of finding one's spouse through a set of designated protocol generally used by Orthodox young men and woman.
"Shidduch resume or profile" –– This not to be confused with a Tinder or Bumble profile. It is a brief written summary of a guy or girl navigating the shidduch market given to potential suitors to help them in assessing one's relevance. Its form and content may vary.
"The shidduch crisis" –– This "crisis" is the panic people feel thinking about how "the system" might fail them, and they'll be still single at age 22. Some people attribute the failings of the system to the age gap or education gap between eligible fellows and ladies in the parsha.
"Redt" –– This popular verbiage means suggesting a shidduch idea (a guy or gal's name as a potential match) to a party.
"Looking into/do research" –– Refers to the arduous process of finding out information, relevant and non-relevant, about a potential match. May include calling friends, teachers, relatives, or even employers. Fingerprinting, background checks, and even Apgar scores are fair game to help determine eligibility.
"Gave a yes" –– After the investigation is completed and relevance is determined, this means someone has agreed to go out with the potential suitor.
"Got a yes" –– This means someone has agreed to go out with you.
"In the freezer" –– This refers to a guy who is currently not yet actively on the market because his yeshiva does not allow him to date until he has learned by them for a set amount of time. He may, however, have a long list of suitors waiting for him to complete his sentence.
"Long/short term learner" –– A long-term learner means the bachur is sitting and learning in yeshiva without a predetermined end date. In most cases this means his wife or wife's family (or his own) will support him financially for an undetermined amount of time. A short-term learner means the bachur does not plan on staying in learning long-term. He may or may not "have a plan."
"Someone with a plan" –– This refers to someone (generally a guy) who will take responsibility for parnossa. Perhaps he has less emuna than the "learner," and believes he must get his hands dirty to support his family.
To be continued...
"In the parsha/on the market" –– This is someone on a (sometimes exhausting) journey to find their soulmate using the shidduch system.
"The system" –– This refers to the formalized process of finding one's spouse through a set of designated protocol generally used by Orthodox young men and woman.
"Shidduch resume or profile" –– This not to be confused with a Tinder or Bumble profile. It is a brief written summary of a guy or girl navigating the shidduch market given to potential suitors to help them in assessing one's relevance. Its form and content may vary.
"The shidduch crisis" –– This "crisis" is the panic people feel thinking about how "the system" might fail them, and they'll be still single at age 22. Some people attribute the failings of the system to the age gap or education gap between eligible fellows and ladies in the parsha.
"Redt" –– This popular verbiage means suggesting a shidduch idea (a guy or gal's name as a potential match) to a party.
"Looking into/do research" –– Refers to the arduous process of finding out information, relevant and non-relevant, about a potential match. May include calling friends, teachers, relatives, or even employers. Fingerprinting, background checks, and even Apgar scores are fair game to help determine eligibility.
"Gave a yes" –– After the investigation is completed and relevance is determined, this means someone has agreed to go out with the potential suitor.
"Got a yes" –– This means someone has agreed to go out with you.
"In the freezer" –– This refers to a guy who is currently not yet actively on the market because his yeshiva does not allow him to date until he has learned by them for a set amount of time. He may, however, have a long list of suitors waiting for him to complete his sentence.
"Long/short term learner" –– A long-term learner means the bachur is sitting and learning in yeshiva without a predetermined end date. In most cases this means his wife or wife's family (or his own) will support him financially for an undetermined amount of time. A short-term learner means the bachur does not plan on staying in learning long-term. He may or may not "have a plan."
"Someone with a plan" –– This refers to someone (generally a guy) who will take responsibility for parnossa. Perhaps he has less emuna than the "learner," and believes he must get his hands dirty to support his family.
To be continued...
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Freezing Friends Out
I'm pretty sure this is an exclusively female ailment. For some reason, when a girl is dating seriously or gets engaged/gets married, she often drops her (single) friends. Doesn't she know she needs friends (outside of her husband) even after she's married?! Your spouse cannot be your everything, and even if he's really good at putting up with female drivel, you would do a lot better if you had a support system and social life that isn't just one person. Sure, your husband needs to be your priority, and you need to work on your relationship with him (sometimes to the detriment of your other relationships), but balance is key!
All too often girls freeze out their friends while they're dating seriously. Sometimes it's because they're unsure and insecure the whole time and isolate themselves without meaning to as a means to cope with the situation. Sometimes, they just get so wrapped up in it that they somehow forget about their friends who have supported them through so much else. Sometimes it's because someone told them that bracha comes to things that are hidden, so they don't want to tell people. Sometimes they just want to feel special and love the surprise when the friend whom they've shared every secret with up until now is blindsided.
All too often girls freeze out their friends while they're dating seriously. Sometimes it's because they're unsure and insecure the whole time and isolate themselves without meaning to as a means to cope with the situation. Sometimes, they just get so wrapped up in it that they somehow forget about their friends who have supported them through so much else. Sometimes it's because someone told them that bracha comes to things that are hidden, so they don't want to tell people. Sometimes they just want to feel special and love the surprise when the friend whom they've shared every secret with up until now is blindsided.
It's been awhile since I've been on the receiving end of this. I remember when my first friend to do this to me did this. We were super close, talked multiple times a day, and probably saw each other six out of seven days of the week, if not every day. Because we were in this much contact, of course I knew something was up, but she even denied that she was dating, making up multiple excuses why she wasn't around. She didn't date her husband that long, so she thought she was keeping up the facade well. I remember exactly where I was when I took her call when she told me that she was engaged, and this was five or so years ago. It was around 5:00 pm, and literally the conversation went like this, "Hi! Guess what? I'm engaged!! The l'chaim's at 7:00 at my house; you better be there! I gotta go call more people, bye." I was left asking, "Are you serious? To who?" to the dead phone. For real.
Things were a little ugly after that, so I'll skip ahead to the part a few weeks later where we sat down and talked about it...the first time we talked after that phone call. She explained how insecure she was, how she thought that telling anyone would mess things up for her, how she knows she kept a few secrets from her chosson and she was nervous some well meaning friend would tell him/his family and he wouldn't go through with the engagement, etc. etc. The funny thing is that he told so many people before their engagement was official, so while she thought she kept the best secret, he had already told half of the city.
On another occasion, a different close friend whom I talked to daily fell off the map for a month. She called me to share her news when she was dating her husband seriously. It was her first guy, and like so many other girls, she didn't really know how to navigate the parsha and how her friends fit in. Lucky for her, they dated for a bit after that, so I didn't feel completely left out of her life.
While it isn't pleasant for anyone, I think this hurts the most when the friend "being frozen out" is older and/or has been in shidduchim longer, has had more shidduch challenges, and the like. If you trust your friend when it comes to everything else, what happened here? At the end of the day, she wants to feel part of your life. You don't have to seek her advice or support while you're dating, or if you don't feel comfortable telling her about what's going on, even just a little heads-up makes all the difference. It's the difference between "I'm engaged," ie. my life just changed irrevocably and you're not part of it, and "I'm getting engaged tomorrow/tonight" –– my life is about to change in a crazy big way and I wanted to let you know so you can be part of it.
While it isn't pleasant for anyone, I think this hurts the most when the friend "being frozen out" is older and/or has been in shidduchim longer, has had more shidduch challenges, and the like. If you trust your friend when it comes to everything else, what happened here? At the end of the day, she wants to feel part of your life. You don't have to seek her advice or support while you're dating, or if you don't feel comfortable telling her about what's going on, even just a little heads-up makes all the difference. It's the difference between "I'm engaged," ie. my life just changed irrevocably and you're not part of it, and "I'm getting engaged tomorrow/tonight" –– my life is about to change in a crazy big way and I wanted to let you know so you can be part of it.
Friends are important, and it's really hard to recover those relationships if you put them on ice.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
How Well Does the Shadchan Know You?
"Who's your main shadchan?" she asked me.
Does anyone have a "main shadchan"? I mean, there are specific shadchanim I work with that I would say I feel closer to, ie. know me a bit better than the random ones that call once in a blue moon with an idea, I would question about names or ask him/her to be the go-between if I needed one, but there isn't one person that sets me up the most. And in fact, my "best shots" were all suggested by friends/neighbors/relatives (or I picked him out myself...those didn't end too well though).
I can't remember the statistic (mostly because I don't actually believe it's accurate, mostly because how would someone gather that kind of data to figure that number out?), but supposedly a large portion of shidduchim are made by friends/neighbors/relatives. (I think I saw that in some NASI Project ad or somesuch.)
I know for me that this works best, because despite what I explain to a shadchan, I think it's difficult to grasp who a person is in one encounter. I happen to be able to articulate important aspects about myself and what type of person I'm looking for, but even so it's hard to get an accurate portrayal of someone in one meeting (and sometimes shadchanim just don't understand a type). Additionally, many people can't describe themselves accurately or explain what's important to them in spouse, so this makes it even more difficult for a shadchan.
If someone wonders why the guys s/he redts someone never say yes, they need to think about if they've gotten the type right. If someone says "no" based on my resume or preliminary research it generally means that it's not a good idea; we would never get along. For example, I've had people not want to go out with me because of my profession. If someone doesn't like what I do, it means that we wouldn't understand each other anyway. It's a good vetting process. By the time someone's resume (with a "yes") reaches me, usually there will be something that makes sense there, but not always obviously.
Tangentially, everyone matches to someone. There isn't an objectively ideal type of person. What one person thinks is the deal-sealer, someone else could think is a deal-breaker. For example, if I want a guy who is sitting in yeshiva and learning, to me that would be worth a lot. To the girl who wants someone with a college degree and/or a good job, that could be a deal-breaker.
Either way, each time someone who doesn't know me sets me up, we have some sort of interaction, they get more and more of an idea of what I want, what I need, what works for me, and what doesn't. I once heard someone speaking about shidduchim suggest that if someone suggests someone to you, you should go out even if you don't think that the person is for you per se, because it helps you to foster a relationship with that person/shadchan. I happen to highly disagree with this, because we don't just date to date, but that's a different conversation.
It would make sense to say that the better someone knows you, the better their suggestions. However, some people really don't get it but make a fair share of shidduchim anyway. Perhaps it's all siyatta dishmaya.
Does anyone have a "main shadchan"? I mean, there are specific shadchanim I work with that I would say I feel closer to, ie. know me a bit better than the random ones that call once in a blue moon with an idea, I would question about names or ask him/her to be the go-between if I needed one, but there isn't one person that sets me up the most. And in fact, my "best shots" were all suggested by friends/neighbors/relatives (or I picked him out myself...those didn't end too well though).
I can't remember the statistic (mostly because I don't actually believe it's accurate, mostly because how would someone gather that kind of data to figure that number out?), but supposedly a large portion of shidduchim are made by friends/neighbors/relatives. (I think I saw that in some NASI Project ad or somesuch.)
I know for me that this works best, because despite what I explain to a shadchan, I think it's difficult to grasp who a person is in one encounter. I happen to be able to articulate important aspects about myself and what type of person I'm looking for, but even so it's hard to get an accurate portrayal of someone in one meeting (and sometimes shadchanim just don't understand a type). Additionally, many people can't describe themselves accurately or explain what's important to them in spouse, so this makes it even more difficult for a shadchan.
If someone wonders why the guys s/he redts someone never say yes, they need to think about if they've gotten the type right. If someone says "no" based on my resume or preliminary research it generally means that it's not a good idea; we would never get along. For example, I've had people not want to go out with me because of my profession. If someone doesn't like what I do, it means that we wouldn't understand each other anyway. It's a good vetting process. By the time someone's resume (with a "yes") reaches me, usually there will be something that makes sense there, but not always obviously.
Tangentially, everyone matches to someone. There isn't an objectively ideal type of person. What one person thinks is the deal-sealer, someone else could think is a deal-breaker. For example, if I want a guy who is sitting in yeshiva and learning, to me that would be worth a lot. To the girl who wants someone with a college degree and/or a good job, that could be a deal-breaker.
Either way, each time someone who doesn't know me sets me up, we have some sort of interaction, they get more and more of an idea of what I want, what I need, what works for me, and what doesn't. I once heard someone speaking about shidduchim suggest that if someone suggests someone to you, you should go out even if you don't think that the person is for you per se, because it helps you to foster a relationship with that person/shadchan. I happen to highly disagree with this, because we don't just date to date, but that's a different conversation.
It would make sense to say that the better someone knows you, the better their suggestions. However, some people really don't get it but make a fair share of shidduchim anyway. Perhaps it's all siyatta dishmaya.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
How to Effectively Use a Shadchan
For every different stage and slight different cultural disparities, there are various roles that shadchanim play within a shidduch. For the "yeshivish" 19 and 23 year olds who are going out for the first time, the shadchan will likely hold their hands through the whole process, from setting up dates, perhaps suggesting a venue, to moving the shidduch along, and even facilitating the engagement. For the 29 year olds who know the drill and have been through the process many times, perhaps the shadchan just introduced them and helped them to exchange phone numbers. They set up the dates themselves, and they may even let one another know when they don't think it's a shidduch without the intervening of a go-between.
It really all comes down to communication. When we're dating, we're trying to create a relationship with the other person. Sometimes shadchanim can get in the way of this when people use them as buffers or hide behind them. Having a shadchan can be useful in the beginning of a shidduch dating scenario, as it's less hurtful to end things through a third party when there isn't a relationship established yet. Shadchanim can also be helpful in terms of feedback when a couple is not at a stage where they are discussing this between themselves. For example, after a pareve first date (on my end), if I hear that the guy thought it was very positive, I'll usually give it another shot. Or, perhaps something someone does comes across some (negative) way, a shadchan may be able to explain it and help reconcile the situation.
I'm not a fan of using a shadchan past a third or fourth date, because I think it gets in the way of the couple establishing a real relationship. There needs to be accountability and communication. It's helpful for the shadchan to be involved, sure, but not that the guy and girl are going back to the shadchan after each date and saying whether they'd like to go out again and having the shadchan set up the date. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, but I would really like for a guy I'm dating past a third/fourth date to ask me out, even just to end the date by saying, "I had a nice time; can I call you to set up another date?" (If a girl can't give you a straight answer on that one, as the guy you just say, "Okay, no worries. We'll be in touch through the shadchan.")
Even when the couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be beneficial. Many shadchanim are in the practice of doing "dating coaching," and some of them are pretty good at it actually. Sometimes you're not hesitating about the person you're dating, but something the person or scenario is triggering. A good dating coach can help you realize and overcome this.
It really all comes down to communication. When we're dating, we're trying to create a relationship with the other person. Sometimes shadchanim can get in the way of this when people use them as buffers or hide behind them. Having a shadchan can be useful in the beginning of a shidduch dating scenario, as it's less hurtful to end things through a third party when there isn't a relationship established yet. Shadchanim can also be helpful in terms of feedback when a couple is not at a stage where they are discussing this between themselves. For example, after a pareve first date (on my end), if I hear that the guy thought it was very positive, I'll usually give it another shot. Or, perhaps something someone does comes across some (negative) way, a shadchan may be able to explain it and help reconcile the situation.
I'm not a fan of using a shadchan past a third or fourth date, because I think it gets in the way of the couple establishing a real relationship. There needs to be accountability and communication. It's helpful for the shadchan to be involved, sure, but not that the guy and girl are going back to the shadchan after each date and saying whether they'd like to go out again and having the shadchan set up the date. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, but I would really like for a guy I'm dating past a third/fourth date to ask me out, even just to end the date by saying, "I had a nice time; can I call you to set up another date?" (If a girl can't give you a straight answer on that one, as the guy you just say, "Okay, no worries. We'll be in touch through the shadchan.")
Even when the couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be beneficial. Many shadchanim are in the practice of doing "dating coaching," and some of them are pretty good at it actually. Sometimes you're not hesitating about the person you're dating, but something the person or scenario is triggering. A good dating coach can help you realize and overcome this.
A shadchan is not just about "Do you want to see him/her again," and "Okay, when are you available," but also to help you get through the bumps along the way. They can (more) objectively hear about what you appreciate about the other person and what your concerns are. They can help you navigate how you're feeling and what makes sense for you. This all being said, they can assist you to do this without being involved every step of the way. At the end of the day, the relationship is just you and the other person.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
What I Learned in 2016
When the numbers turn on the calendar, it makes me a little nostalgic –– not that much, but a little –– enough to make me reflect on the year. What happened in 2016? I learned a lot, even if if I spent a better part of the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 tied up dating one disappointment (and I'll admit, that's the nicer version of how I might have described him).
A big thing that I gained this year from all my dating experiences is the recognition that nothing is permanent. Not good things, not bad things, not pain, and not glory. Things happen and life moves on. There are ups and there are downs, and we get through them all somehow. It's humbling and sobering to recognize this. It teaches you to hold onto the good times and hang in there during the challenging ones. What good you may have today might be gone tomorrow. In the same way, the hard times will fade too.
I also learned that despite always saying that I want to date my husband for a long time before getting engaged, I don't really want to date anyone for an extended period of time. Sure, I want to know him before we get engaged, but if things aren't complicated, and I really hope they won't be, then I don't need to date for that long. If things work, they can just work. If they don't, they won't. I've had enough of dancing around an early relationship and pretending. I'm in this for one purpose: it's marriage or bust. Granted, you need a few dates to see if you "click," but past that I want to get to know someone and see if it works marriage/values-wise. I don't have the patience to make small talk and discuss nothing for six, seven dates.
This year I've grasped too that a solid "working guy" can be so much better quality than a "learning guy." I have the utmost respect for the guy that goes to school/goes out to work and keeps his learning seder every day and his hashkafos intact. I used to say that I wanted a learning guy, and dating someone who was working was a b'deieved. Now, l'hefech. I want the guy who is the real deal, the fellow that goes to minyan before work every day and keeps his learning seder after work. I think that's so much more praiseworthy.
I saw too how important it is to trust your gut. In the scenario mentioned above, in which the guy I dated for awhile took me for a ride, I believe he ignored his instinct, which told him that it wasn't a shidduch, the whole time he was dating me. He ignored it for who knows what reason––he liked me, he thought I was pretty, he was having fun, whatever, and when push came to shove, he just couldn't seal the deal. He should have listened to his intuition from the beginning. In another situation, I went out with a guy, who, in so many ways we were similar, and I'm pretty certain the "like" was mutual, but based on something he perceived, his gut told him it wouldn't work marriage-wise, and he ended it. Good for him for not dragging it out. We have intuition for a reason, listen to it!
I learned so much about myself this year too. As much as a lot of you dislike Myers-Briggs, and/or don't think you fit into a type so it's not helpful, I like it, because I'm a pretty distinct type. Becoming more familiar with personality typing has helped me to understand why I do certain things and how I see the world. It's assisted me to understand how other people perceive the world around them and why I clash with some people so hard. It's aided me to realize why I love so hard and why I don't do anything halfway, why I have a great need to connect to others, to give and to nurture.
Reflecting on 2016 makes me realize that as the years stack up and I gain more life experience, I have a lot to show for it. I'm developing myself as a person. Each year, month, day, I learn a little bit more about me and life. Each experience brings a new perspective. So much to gain...
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