Mixed Messages

Recently my friend sent me a meme she came across on Instagram: "He's the king of mixed signals and she's the queen of getting her hopes up."

How often does it happen that people, guy or girl, transmit mixed messages that leave the other party scratching his/her head? It's sort of par for the course with shidduch dating. People often don't communicate, and there is no real sense of accountability when either one can go back to the shadchan at any time and decide not to continue pursuing the shidduch.

My friend dated a guy who took her out for five hours on their first date, they hit it off apparently, and he showed her that he was into her during the consecutive three dates in which he played her his favorite love songs, gave her flowers, and just in general strung her along. After their fourth date, with no hint whatsoever to the girl herself, he told the shadchan that he didn't want to see her again.

Honestly, if he had the clarity that she wasn't for him, that's great, but if he wasn't sure about her, he needed to tone it down. You might argue that maybe he really did like her and then something came up, but there is a mentchlach way to navigate this. You're dealing with a person who has feelings, not a name on a paper!

Once upon a time, in a situation probably written about multiple time in these pages, I was dating a young man whom I ended up going out with for quite some time. However, in the beginning I was really confused about how I felt and thought about him. On one hand, he was a really good guy and I was sort of intrigued by him, but on the other, there were things that bothered me, I didn't really like him (at that point), and wasn't really sure I wanted to continue. Confident and forward as he was, I remember him asking me towards the end of our third date, "What's up? How are you feeling about this? Do you want to go out again?" He followed that up by saying that he felt like he was getting mixed messages from me, so he had to ask what was going on in my head.

Although I felt put on the spot, I appreciated his open communication. That conversation actually fueled our relationship, the fact that we had this really candid and honest dialogue. I recall answering his question with something to the tune of, "You're right, you're getting mixed messages, because I'm having mixed feelings." Because he asked, I was able to explain that I wanted to follow down the potential that I saw, but I was withholding, because I wasn't really sure where or if things could go and didn't want to lead him on. He reassured me that he's a big boy and could take whatever comes, and he just asked that we talk about what was going on. And so, off we set into the sunset...until our sun set. (Little does he know that this is sort of the model that I now like to base my dating communication on.)

It really all comes down to the communication thing. If you're at the point that you're on a date, ie. meeting a potential marriage partner, you're two adults trying to establish a relationship. You can hide behind whatever guise you'd like, be it using the shadchan as your buffer and/or to do your dirty work, (phony) flattery and flirtation that keeps things from getting real, or simply just not being genuine with the person you're seeing. Yet, this only goes so far until it blows up in your face, or more likely, the face of the person you're dating. Again, you're dealing with a person, not a name on a paper. Yes, people get hurt in situations like these, but you have the power to make the hurt less. Therein lies the difference between hurting and wronging someone. There's a way to do this properly.