How to Effectively Use a Shadchan

For every different stage and slight different cultural disparities, there are various roles that shadchanim play within a shidduch. For the "yeshivish" 19 and 23 year olds who are going out for the first time, the shadchan will likely hold their hands through the whole process, from setting up dates, perhaps suggesting a venue, to moving the shidduch along, and even facilitating the engagement. For the 29 year olds who know the drill and have been through the process many times, perhaps the shadchan just introduced them and helped them to exchange phone numbers. They set up the dates themselves, and they may even let one another know when they don't think it's a shidduch without the intervening of a go-between.

It really all comes down to communication. When we're dating, we're trying to create a relationship with the other person. Sometimes shadchanim can get in the way of this when people use them as buffers or hide behind them. Having a shadchan can be useful in the beginning of a shidduch dating scenario, as it's less hurtful to end things through a third party when there isn't a relationship established yet. Shadchanim can also be helpful in terms of feedback when a couple is not at a stage where they are discussing this between themselves. For example, after a pareve first date (on my end), if I hear that the guy thought it was very positive, I'll usually give it another shot. Or, perhaps something someone does comes across some (negative) way, a shadchan may be able to explain it and help reconcile the situation.

I'm not a fan of using a shadchan past a third or fourth date, because I think it gets in the way of the couple establishing a real relationship. There needs to be accountability and communication. It's helpful for the shadchan to be involved, sure, but not that the guy and girl are going back to the shadchan after each date and saying whether they'd like to go out again and having the shadchan set up the date. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, but I would really like for a guy I'm dating past a third/fourth date to ask me out, even just to end the date by saying, "I had a nice time; can I call you to set up another date?" (If a girl can't give you a straight answer on that one, as the guy you just say, "Okay, no worries. We'll be in touch through the shadchan.")

Even when the couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be beneficial. Many shadchanim are in the practice of doing "dating coaching," and some of them are pretty good at it actually. Sometimes you're not hesitating about the person you're dating, but something the person or scenario is triggering. A good dating coach can help you realize and overcome this.

A shadchan is not just about "Do you want to see him/her again," and "Okay, when are you available," but also to help you get through the bumps along the way. They can (more) objectively hear about what you appreciate about the other person and what your concerns are. They can help you navigate how you're feeling and what makes sense for you. This all being said, they can assist you to do this without being involved every step of the way. At the end of the day, the relationship is just you and the other person.