Turbulence

We enjoyed relatively smooth sailing, but we're a normal family, so we rode the waves a bit, all under normal circumstances like parent-teenage clashes over friendships and small sibling rivalries under the guise of "whose turn is it to...," and the like. It wasn't until I got on this roller coaster of a ride called shidduchim that all this turbulence began.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated with my family before this tekufah. Granted, I think it's difficult to be an adult child under your parents' roof no matter what the circumstances, especially when you're not married. Because I'm unattached I feel like I'm often still treated like a child. My parents don't tell my married brother, two years my junior, how to live his life...

I get it that my siblings are feeling a little powerless and desperate and are trying to be creative to get me married, and I know they mean well, but I could just scream. The latest and greatest comes from the one who has a chavrusa who has a brother. Always the chavrusa's brother. The way this one was presented though was, "He grew up in the UK. He's in school in the UK. He has never left the UK. He wants to live in the UK. Is that a deal breaker for you?"

So, this is one of my pet peeves. You can't tell me one detail about someone and ask me if I want to marry him. It's like saying, "Want some cake? It has flour in it." What other ingredients does it have? How can I make a decision based on one detail?

"I don't know anything else, but I just want to know if that's a deal breaker before I start working on it."

That's not fair. It doesn't make sense practically, because I live and work here. I can't quit my job to go to England to date someone, even if I felt like he could be in the ballpark. If you don't grow up with shared backgrounds, culturally and hashkafically you're probably light years apart. I have zero information to tell you whether it would be worth my while to even entertain the idea. Even so, I'm made to look like the inflexible one here.

Why in the world do you think it's an idea in the first place if you don't know anything about him; is it because he's "a little older?" You don't have to hustle that much.

Then there are the parental units. Of course they only have my good in mind, but while they're usually really good about giving me space, they sometimes forget that I'm an adult and that I need to make my own decisions and mistakes.

The constant debate is about "looking into" names. While they think you need to do as much research as you possibly can (you can't really be sure that what people say about someone is what you think they're saying anyway, so what's the point), I feel like it's a big waste of time. Yes, I want to know something about the person I might date, enough to know if it's shyuch at all, but often I can tell if it's worthwhile from date one. All those phone calls and stress because we can't find someone who can actually talk to this point about him or that, are totally superfluous.

They get upset when I "give a yes," without discussing it with them. I try not to do that, but I can't always wait for the investigation team to complete its operations. I don't feel it's right to make someone wait so long for an answer, especially if I'm going to end up saying "thanks but no thanks."

The problem then is that no good can come from going behind their back, because I respect them too much. If I then tell them that I'm doing x,y,z, we end up fighting about it. It's a catch-22.

Before this parsha, we didn't argue like this. I hate how this has made everyone so emotional and desperate.