It wasn't always like this. I mean, I've always hated vorts, kiddushim, shmorgs at weddings. They're these small talk schmoozefests where you're sort of just hanging around hoping there's someone there you know to talk to, while everyone is standing about stuffing their faces. Part of it is that I think it's sort of disgusting for people to feed from a buffet like it's a trough. Points to those who fill up their plates and go sit down somewhere. Also, there's just too much small talk. As extroverted as I am, I hate having to talk to random people, smiling, pretending to be interested in "catching up" that consists of people asking what's doing and if I'm still in school. I haven't been in school for quite awhile. If you don't know what to talk about just say hi and move along. I do have a life, you know, even if I'm not married like you. All the "mazel tovs," "This is so exciting," "I'm so happy," ...not. I wish I was, believe me, I do. It's just too hard for me to be right now.
It's stupid, really. This is so not about me, and did I not have my own pain I was wallowing in, I could be completely happy for you. But I do, so I can't, and I hate that.
Emotionally I'm done. Mentally I'm drained. Spiritually I feel dead. Physically I smile.
So, yes, I'm pretending. I hope everyone else isn't too.
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