It's Just Coffee

The shidduch equivalent to "getting drinks" is "grabbing coffee." Although, it doesn't always involve actual coffee. It's a short, no commitment, almost pre-date to ascertain whether the two parties would be superficially compatible and a means to determine whether they should attempt dating. It's generally utilized when either party happens to be in the city of the other when s/he resides elsewhere, or when the idea is likely a shot in the dark.

Most recently I agreed to meet a guy for coffee, because it was last minute and I was pretty sure he wasn't for me. He actually took me to Starbucks, and while he harped on the fact that his OJ was hand-squeezed and asked me what it actually means to "live outside your comfort zone" and "try something new daily," we talked about his life ambitions. I think it was pretty clear to us that it wasn't a shidduch, and thus a one hour almost painless coffee date and we went our separate ways. (Nothing against him, really nice guy, just not a shidduch.)

While first dates should never be long anyway, a coffee date is helpful in scenarios where there hasn't been any extensive checking into or analysis if this person "is the type." It isn't a big deal, and perhaps more first dates should be like this.

The other side to this is what if someone travels to meet a girl or vice versa, it seems silly to just spend an hour with the person. There's also more that can be gleaned from a longer date, getting to know a little bit more about the person.

Sometimes this idea backfires too in other ways. I once travelled somewhere for a date, I think I spent Shabbos at relatives and went out Motzei Shabbos. The date was a non-starter, and while I had a meeting Sunday morning and plans with a friend Sunday afternoon, this friend decided to ask her husband to set a date up for me Sunday night, a coffee date. We went out, we had a nice time, extending the date a few hours past that requisite one hour, and we both told the go-between that we were interesting in proceeding. We exchanged resumes, and we made up that we would look into each other and continue going out...or at least that was the impression I got. After me waiting a week, the guy got back to my friend's husband and told him that another suggestion came up for him in his city, so he's going to go ahead with that.

I think the situation was a little confusing. Had he not wanted to go out again, he could have said so upfront. I waited a week for him to say he was going to pursue something else. And so, coffee dates can be confusing, because with this "no commitment" deal, expectations aren't always understood. It's important to be upfront from the beginning what each party is expecting. Is it really "no commitment," or if it goes well are you both committing to an actual date?

Sometimes it can just be coffee. It can take the pressure out of that first date/starting something new.