Resilience

Within the frum community it is not uncommon for singles, especially "older" singles to feel defined by their single status. Not only do they have to deal with not being married, they often feel like they’ve been unfairly labeled or are constantly judged by a reputation they don’t want or deserve. They sometimes struggle not to blame themselves, feel like an imposter, and they may live under the tremendous pressure of needing to prove themselves to others or themselves.

Shame itself breeds shame, and it sends someone to a dark silent lonely place, a place s/he believes s/he alone exists. (It's not a denial that other people are single too, but that no one can understand his/her pain.) When things are hard, we tend to isolate and disengage to protect ourselves. This silence and withdrawal then further compounds the feeling of distance from community and shame we're holding onto. It matters not what s/he has to offer: how smart, talented, attractive, etc. s/he is; shame condemns him/her to this place s/he suffers alone. This is a place s/he is essentially disconnected from others. Because s/he is "flawed" via this one characteristic, s/he is alone, different, in a dark silent place.

When it comes to shame, it doesn't matter if someone's "flaw" is real or perceived, if s/he carries the fault for it or not. If s/he feels different, likely s/he will internalize this feeling, especially when people stigmatize him/her because of it.

In her book, Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown defines shame as a “silent epidemic.” She explains that shame is universal and one of the most basic human emotions. In fact, she suggests that those who do not experience shame lack empathy and the capacity for human connection. We all experience shame. Yet, shame makes us uncomfortable, and therefore we don’t talk about it. The less we talk about something, the more it has control over us.

We beat shame by understanding what it is, recognizing what is triggering it, connecting with others and sharing our story, our struggles, our "flaw" that makes us different. Says Brown, “When we bury the story, we forever stay the subject of the story. If you own the story, you get to write the ending.”

Brown draws on current resilience research to sum up what makes people resilient. She purports that:

1. Resilient people are resourceful and have good problem-solving skills. 
2. They are more likely to seek help. 
3. They believe that there is always something they can do that will help them to manage their feelings and cope with adversity. 
4. They have social support available to them. 
5. They are connected with others, such as family or friends.

I was recently talking about this with someone, how the more resilient you are, the more you're okay to share your story (and vice versa), and you recognize that people's judgements don't change your identity. They only affect you as much as you let them. 

The person I was talking to mused that this ability to be vulnerable and open up is born out of struggle. This recognition, a maturity if you will, the awareness that it doesn't really matter what people think, comes from going through something difficult and coming out, however battered, on the other side. Perhaps once you've been through all that, someone's appraisal of you pales in comparison. Maybe through the process of coping you realize that what people think doesn't change anything. And perhaps we realize that we need people, this connection. 

Sharing our struggles with others is how empathy works. (And empathy busts shame.) Rarely does a specific response from anyone make a hardship you're going through better, but what makes it bearable is connecting with others, knowing you're not alone. It's the hand extended to pull you out of that dark lonely hole.