Dating Protips

Some of these, most of these, should be intuitive. Unfortunately they're not, so I'll spell them out.

Formalities exist for a reason. Treat her like a lady.

1. Guys, walk a girl to her car, or front door. Especially if it's night. If you can't, at least watch her to make sure she gets in safely.

2. Offer her a drink (by drink I mean beverage, the non-alcoholic variety). It's basic. Would you hang out with/talk to a friend for a few hours at a time and not get a drink?

3. If you're going out right after work (or really around any mealtime), especially if there's traveling involved, ask if the other person is hungry. She's not just looking for a free meal; the rushing around may not have allowed her (or him) time to eat. The guy or girl. Skip the stiffness. (Was it really ever uncomfortable to eat on a date?) If you're hungry, or suspect the other person is, offer to get something to eat (even just a snack).

4. If you get yourself a straw, spoon, fork, napkin, drink, get one for the other person (or at least ask if the person wants one). Wouldn't you do this if you were with a friend?

5. Be clear about what you want or need. No one can read your mind. Don't say one thing and really mean another. It establishes wrong expectations and sets you up for frustration and resentment.

Just Kidding, I Changed My Mind

What happens when you "give a yes" after a date but then leading up to the next date you aren't really feeling it, or something really bothers you and you realize you just really don't want to go out again? Can you retract your answer? Is it fair? Is there a point of you going out again if you're really not feeling it?

Coming from the other side of that, would you want someone to go out with you again if they changed their mind since the point in time they'd told you they wanted to go out again? Wouldn't that feel kind of like a pity date, pointless even?

Now take that scenario and imagine either, or both, parties have to travel. Is that worth it? Isn't it a waste of gas/money, time, energy?

What's the right thing to do here?

I'm pretty cognizant of when something wrongs someone in a dating situation. People unfortunately inevitably get hurt in this system, but being wronged is usually avoidable. Going out with someone longer than you really want to doesn't really help to not hurt them. In fact, I think that falls into the category of leading someone on, does it not?

Is it wrong to retract an answer though? Will it kill you to go out on another date (even if you have to travel)? If you "said yes" to begin with, isn't there a chance there's something there?

So many good questions, and if you find yourself in this situation you really have to be honest with yourself about all those answers.

Yeah, okay, so I decided I should have a phone conversation, explain what I'm thinking (to an extent...there was no need to go into unnecessary detail), so he could make an informed decision about what he wanted to do. Long story short, we ended up meeting up, halfway. It didn't end well, and it wasn't pretty.

Break-ups are hard. There is no way around that. This was harder even, because it wasn't even a relationship. There was no reason I needed to have that conversation. I thought I was being nice. He wanted to talk about it. I guess he really thought he had a chance. I guess I didn't realize how much it really wasn't working for me until all of it played out. In hindsight I should have asked a third party to just tell him I didn't want to continue. I think he was just confused because to him it felt like it was going so smoothly. I really try not to do that, but I didn't know until I knew, you know? I guess it's just easy for me to talk to people, but it doesn't always mean anything.

#ihatethisgame

Parshas Chayei Sarah

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

In this week's parsha, Sarah Imeinu passes away and Avraham Aveinu comes to eulogize her and to cry. The Zera Shimshon brings the Maavor Yabok that says that hespedim are crucial when someone passes away, because it causes people to cry. Crying opens the Gates of Tefillah (since the Gates of Tears are never closed), and this redirects the din from the niftar.

The Zera Shimshon relates that the kuf in "v'livkosah" is written small in the Torah to tell us that Avraham did not cry over the physical loss of Sarah, rather her spiritual essence in this world.

It is a natural response for people to react to loss with tears/crying. The Torah says that Avraham came to eulogize...and bewail her, telling us that his crying was not just the natural reaction to his loss. His crying was far more meaningful; it was a mourning for her neshama no longer being among them.

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Chayei Sarah

Game On

All the players playing this round have been dealt their cards. Your aim is to play them in the best fashion you see fit.

You can use your cards to help others. You can use your cards to hurt others. Other people may look at your cards and be jealous of them or get hurt because you're the one holding them. It may be best to keep your cards held as close to your vest as possible.

Play wisely, because you only have the right here and right now. It will feel like each round is all you have. You may get another round to play, or you may not.

I officially hate this game, and I don't want to play it anymore. I want out. I want to know who will win. I can't play anymore; it's not fun. It never was.

It's not just the actual game that's annoying, but everything that's involved in it. Almost every day there's something new to add to this list; this week's tops:

I hate that everyone just assumes that I know all the eligible singles around my age, or at least know someone who does. When I say "Nope, don't know him," please don't ask, "Do you know anyone who knows him or has dated him?"

I hate that people get jealous and spiteful and that it hurts them when I'm dating someone, get the attention from the cute guy at an event, or get a million random pointless suggestions. I'm not married either; there's nothing to be jealous of.

I hate the random random suggestions that I get and the comments I receive when I politely decline them. No, just because he's around my age and wears pants and a yarmulka doesn't mean I'm picky if I say I don't want to date him.

I hate being the heartbreaker. I enjoy connecting with people, hopefully bringing out positive qualities in them, and having a good time together. It doesn't always mean that that shared experience will end in marriage. There's so much more that needs to be there too.

The second-guessing. I hate the second-guessing. I used to trust my gut. Usually if something feels wrong, it is wrong. It's really hard when I start feeling like maybe my gut feelings aren't valid. I never want to be in the position where I'm asking G-d to send me my bashert, He does, and I say "no thank you." I used to be able to say with confidence that every match I declined I knew almost 100% that he was not for me. I hate when I feel like I just don't know.

I need to figure out what my lifelines are in this game. How do I get through it when I feel like I have nothing left, like my reserves are empty, and I'm all alone all tapped out?

First Date Syndrome

Often, dating feels like the "First Date" Master of None episode where the Ansari character goes on multiple first dates and they all sort of blend together, each girl he dates bringing out a different aspect of how (endless) dating can turn out.

I don't watch Netflix or comedy generally, so I only know about this episode because someone used it as a term, almost like "Groundhog Day," I guess. Before the Bill Murray movie, did Groundhog Day mean anything aside from February 2 or the day where the little animal in that same family as the woodchuck and gopher comes out of his burrow and if he sees his shadow we have more days of winter? Either way, Master of None "First Date" dating sort of does feel like Groundhog Day.

It's been quite awhile since I've been on a traditional first date, the type where it's practically a blind date, where what I know about the guy is limited to what his references and other random people have told me, and oftentimes I haven't even seen a picture of him. I guess those work well when you hit it off with the person, (rare), but precisely for that reason it's the same script. Getting to know someone, getting comfortable with someone, can be like that. Until you actually have a certain level of comfort, it's hard to feel like it's anything but playing the same role again and again on the dating theater stage.

I had that weird sense of deja vu recently; even when trying to build a relationship with someone, I just couldn't help the feeling of doing the same thing all over again. This is one of the things I really wish I had a time machine to get through, a fast forward button on my life. It's hard to have the emotional energy to give another saga my all not knowing how it will end.

Someone once suggested that I get invested in things too fast, that I give too much of myself. I honestly don't know that there's another way to do it for me. I don't have to share everything with everyone, and I don't, but that's who I am as a person. I connect with people. I want to share my life. I support people –– get invested in their successes, support them through their hardships. And I lean on them to support me through my challenges. I often wish I could know who I will make it to the finish line with. I also wish I could skip all the other relationships.

Yes, I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and 'tis better to have loved and lost...I just need to figure out how to get in,  figure out what I need to know, and then get out (or clinch the deal). I guess I also just have come to dislike the small talk and the textbook dating activities and conversations. The problem is when I skip those the relationship fast-tracks and isn't super conducive to marriage, or at least clear-minded rational thought to determine that.

Is there a way off this hamster wheel?

Come On and Ride the Train

I got on the train, left the city behind. I sat back in my seat a little apprehensive for the journey ahead. The first bit was surprisingly easy. I looked out the rear window just a bit, glancing back every now and then, gazing longingly at what I’d left behind. Soon, though, all that was too far away for me to see clearly. I started to enjoy the scenery outside my window.

Every now and then we passed through a rainstorm and I watched my world from behind a curtain of rivulets of water, which distorted my view. Overall it was sunny and the grass was green. I was busy thinking about what lay ahead, too busy to think about where I was coming from. Of course it was still in the back of my mind, trapped away in a little compartment.

And then the compartment came undone. I don’t know why; I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take to seal it again. What I do know is that it’s clouding my trains of thought. I do know is that it was shortsighted to think that I was far enough from the city to not look back and see it. Trying to live my life forward...

Parshas Vayeira

(The Segulah of Learning Zera Shimshon)

What do the words "Atah yadaati ki yarei elokim ata (v'lo chashachta es bincha yechidecha memeni)" mean? Why only now, at the time of the Akeida, does Hashem know that Avraham Aveinu (A"A) is a G-d fearing individual?

A"A personified chesed; he was such a giving person that people may have thought that this was just his personality –– he pleased Hashem and did what He asked because he liked pleasing people. If this was the case then Avraham passing the ten nisyonos would have nothing to do with him being a G-d fearing person. 

Akeidas Yitzchak, an act of pure cruelty, went against everything A"A represented; it was the complete opposite of his midda of chesed. Therefore, now Hashem knew that A"A was acting out of pure fear of G-d and desire to serve Him and not just because of his nature.

This should give us pause. Why do we do mitzvos?

Source: Zera Shimshon Parshas Vayeira