It's Just A Rock

It's just a rock
Procured from deep inside a time warp
One I got lost in
Can anyone else really understand 

I've kept the rock with me

It's grounding
A reminder of sorts
I'm not sure I want to remember
I don't know how to forget
To turn off the movie
Lower the sound
Get a grip on time
Make sense of everything
Go back to how things were
Does that me even exist anymore
It's the starting over that's the hardest
Something right now I can't even imagine doing
If only life came with a "fast forward" button
Help this healing progress faster
How can so short a experience change me so much
Moving forward
However slow my pace
Learning to live again
Letting go
It's just a rock

Better to Have Loved and Lost?

I handed you my heart
You let me in
I walked away
No way you could win

Better to have loved and lost?
I'd prefer to have loved and won
Something perhaps to consider
Now that it's all said and done

I went all in
Now I'm done and out
At some points I'm clear
Other moments plagued with doubt

So hard to lose you
Harder to lose myself in us
Don't want to feel like I'm settling
You deserve someone who loves all of you, plus

Don't want to be like
Into you I'm pouring my all
And you accept it
But the difference it makes is small

I don't want to play with your feelings
Just because I'm unsure of my own
I needed to let you go
Get out of the zone

You're left holding a part of me
I would like to believe
Similarly, I can't figure out how
This piece of your heart I have you can retrieve

So take good care of it
No matter what happens next
You're forever a part of my story
And not just another ex

One Heartbreak Closer To Happily Ever After

Immediate connection
Shared wit and banter
Leading towards
Happily ever after
...or devastation and disaster?

Deal-breakers
Heartbreaker
Why do I feel like
Such a faker

Expectations
Aspirations
Communication
Frustrations

So short
But so long
Now hearing, on repeat,
The haunting melody of our song

So close
Yet so far
How did we get to
Where it is that we are

When all you can give
Isn't enough
All disappearing
With just a puff

Letting go is so hard
But holding on is too
Especially when you know
Something is not right for you

So much to say
No words to describe
At loss to communicate
What I'm feeling inside

Our music crescendos
As I walk away
Making me wonder if instead of folding
I should have played

And Here We Go...

So, this is what happens when I meet someone I start thinking I'm beginning to like...

My mind goes on overdrive trying to analyze why it will work and why it won't. I start to think about what will happen when we break up, wonder how much it will hurt. Will we date long enough that it's going to sting like the last one? How long will we date for? What will it feel like? What will be the things that will do us in?

Oh, to be young and untraumatized. I remember a time when the only concern was, "Do I want to spend more time with this guy?" Now it's become about, "How much potential do I see; is it enough to be worth the potential devastation of letting another one in and then letting him go?"

It's not a way to date, I know.

And so, I call upon Brene Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful lives, vulnerability is the path.”

Despite what my inner cautionary voice and all the "helpful" people in my life are saying, vulnerability is all I know how to do anyway. I relish in creating deep meaningful relationships, connecting with people and getting to know them. 

Is It Easier To Be A "Good Girl" Than A "Good Guy"?

She wants a guy who davens with a minyan three times a day and is learning; she doesn't daven at all. She wants a guy who won't listen to secular music or watch movies, but she does, all the time. She says "it's different." Is it?

Is this a double standard? Does this make sense? Is there more expected of guys? Does it mean something different when a guy watches movies, listens to secular music, etc. than when a girl does? Is her neshama less corruptible? Her mind is impressionable too; her spirituality is affected as well. Guys' minds are different, for sure. Yes, it means something different for him to skip davening than for her too. I just wonder if she's deluding herself that this makes sense.

Long ago and far away my seminary teacher talked about how girls think they want one thing in a husband, but then when it comes down to it they don't really. She was warning against marrying a guy who wants to learn for a long time if that's not something that a girl could realistically support. She shared stories of girls who "forced" their husbands out of kollel, because they needed someone to bankroll their spending habits.

This works in the sense of presenting oneself one way but really being another. Will she be the one that introduces her husband to TV shows or pop concerts or whatever? Will she ask him to leave kollel to go to work, because she wants to live an expensive lifestyle?

The other side of this is what does it really take to be a "good girl"? Maybe she's tzanua (in act and dress), does chessed...what other expectations are there of her? Most people wouldn't ask of a girl to daven every day by sof zman tefillah, for example. He's expected, though, to be at minyan rain or shine and learn every day, ask his rebbi all his sheilos, and maintain gainful employment. What does she need to be to deserve this?

How Shidduchim Has Changed Within the Last Five Years

While it used to be about waiting by your phone for it to ring, hoping it would be someone with a suggestion for you, the ways shidduchim are brainstormed/redt nowadays has mushroomed quite a bit.

There are frum dating sites, databases with singles' profiles, singles' events, speed-dating, WhatsApp chats to share profiles and ideas, shidduch groups that meet in person to swap names and ideas, etc. etc. It's no longer about friends and family having ideas or even about meeting shadchanim.

Nowadays you can come across a resume of a guy you're interested in and ask someone to suggest it. I've been set up by single friends –– whether it was a guy they dated or someone they knew of through some other way. These methods give singles more control over getting a date. An improvement, right?

I'm not so sure about that.

Singles events and speed-dating have their own pitfalls (read about that here). And, my experience with someone random getting ahold of my profile has been entirely negative. Often the suggestions have just been off, and I can politely decline. It is annoying to have to look at each suggestion with the perspective of trying to figure out why the name came across my inbox and if there's anything there that makes sense. I do it though, especially if it comes with a "yes." I feel like this is my hishtadlus. (I'll still "say no," but I always have a good reason.)

However, this week someone added me to a database without my permission. With my picture. With my cell number and email address. My phone was blowing up all week with suggestions. Really irrelevant ones. I felt very invaded.

I had people bullying me when I declined their suggestions.

"What do you mean you won't go out with a guy 12 years older than you? You would be lucky if he agreed to date you. You're not good enough for him anyway."

"So if his profile doesn't say anything about him and you don't know if he's for you because of it, call his references and find out."

"You need to give me a reason why he's not for you. I need to know who to suggest. Do you want to get married?"

"You need to change your blurb to say x, y, z. Otherwise he's not for you." (The woman asked if I would go out with someone learning and in school and I told her I would consider it. She said I need to change the part about me wanting someone working or in school who is kovea eitim to just say I want "someone learning and in school.")

Like, OMG. Leave. Me. Alone.

I don't like this someone random setting me up thing. I have enough suggestions from people I've met, and those aren't always on the mark.

So, while we've created these situations to expand exposure, they're not always helpful. I think I'll go back to following up with the shadchanim I have met, or the friends and family that do know me. Some of them still make comments about the guy I'm looking for not existing or that people who aren't married are just too picky, but at the end of the day at least they're not like these people who I assume mean well but don't know basic human decency.

Since I've been belittled and humiliated multiple times in the last week, I'm going to give you a bracha that you should all have hatzlacha and bracha in your lives and yeshuos b'karov.  (At least something positive can come from this, right?)

Is It Okay To Lie About Age?

How much does age really matter?

I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?

Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).

Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.

I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.

I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.

When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?

The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?

Tu B'Av: Some Pointers

A quick word on Segulos.

That being said, what is Tu B'Av about? Girls dressed in white, dancing in fields, attracting young men...a shidduch system so unlike our own...

I heard some beautiful thoughts from R' Zvi Weiss tonight about Tu B'Av. He shared that just as 40 days before a child is conceived his bashert is named in shamayim, 40 days before the yetziera of the world (the marriage of Hashem, Torah, and Am Yisroel) on chof hey Elul, the match is announced in Heaven. This day is Tu B'Av. (Do the math!)

Machshava, the plan, is so much more perfect than ma'aseh. ("Sof ma'aseh, v'machshava techila") The plan is always first; it doesn't always come to fruition flawlessly, but it's always first. There's a perfect plan for all of us; Hashem knows what He's doing, and He has our lives all figured out. On Tu B'Av we daven that this plan be carried out in its perfection, because we have the ability to get in our own way. We have the bechira to mess things up. Tu B'Av is the machshava stage, and we pray today that our lives follow this carefully laid plan.

On a slightly different note, during these Tu B'Av celebrations none of the young women wore their own clothes. The gemara says, "Klei lavan shoalin," they borrowed white garments. They wore borrowed dresses to save those people from embarrassment who did not have nice clothes. In fact, said R' Weiss, those who were more affluent borrowed from those who had less money, etc. It was that everyone should be able to feel equal, all wearing each others' clothing.

This is the point of Tu B'Av, to put ourselves in someone else's shoes.

R' Weiss extrapolated this point further to suggest that "lavan" refers too to "leiben," hearts. We share not only our clothing, but a piece of our hearts. We all have pain, but if I can give you a piece of my heart, if I can empathize with you, I can lessen your pain a bit. This, this is the point of Tu B'Av.

On Tu B'Av it is not just about davening for your own shidduch, but davening for your peers. Your pain is my pain. I feel what you're feeling; you're not alone. Reach out, let me know how I can help you...

Battle Wounds

The friction burns from being dragged across the floor as we learned to escape footholds using gator rolls, bloodied knuckles from straight punches drills, the choke marks from practicing to get out of chokeholds...all proud battle wounds.

I recently started taking a Krav Maga self-defense class, and each week after the class I usually have something to show for it. They're injuries I'm happy to endure though. It's sort of how the instructor's t-shirt reads, "The more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in battle." In a similar vein, the charley horse you feel the day after a great new workout kind of feels good. It isn't a masochistic thing, it's simply knowing that you exerted yourself in a productive way.

Can the battle scars from shidduchim be viewed in the same way? Is heartbreak worth something? Does what doesn't kill you make you stronger?

It's hard to view dating like that. But I need to. I need to reframe this hurt and make it into something worthwhile, because either I can be a victim of the pain and suffering caused by this system, or I can learn and grow from it.

Over the course of the too many years that I've been dating, I've learned so much about myself. I know I'm strengthening my emunah muscle. I'm learning how to get along and communicate with all different types of people. I now know that I have the capacity to love fully and work out disagreements, even if for now I have no one to reflect it back at me. I've learned when I need to trust my gut and when to go with my heart. While the heartache may have left scars, I think I can wear them proudly.  Mended, not broken...

For more things I've gained from not getting married right away, check out this post.

Flying Without Wings –– Guest Post

Written by a friend, this brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. (All views and opinions belong strictly to the author.) 

It was another failed mission, another deflated hot air balloon of potential matrimony. It was the constant refrain I hear whenever I try to set up a young man and a young woman. "Thanks so much but--NO!" "I really appreciate you thinking of me but--NO!" They come in all shapes and sizes, these "NO!s", but there is no getting around it. A NO is a NO and it obfuscates any hope for a yes. A NO! is the finger that snuffs out the kindling embers.

Why the heck is everyone trying to reach the NO!?

Look, I was once in shidduchim, and it was super frustrating and annoying. Especially when I was set up with guys who were so, um, NO! But for me, I felt that my effort was to seriously consider every potential guy with an ayin tova, a good eye. Instead of rifling through dirty laundry to find the NO!, I sought to discover the YES! Every person has good qualities and potential, and I wanted to find that. Every marriage requires flexibility and adaptability, so I worked to strengthen my versatility. NO! was not part of my overall vocabulary during this era in my life. There were only two young men who I turned away without meeting- one could only be described as a "well-hearted man" who "was just average" (nothing better to say?!), and the other had been raised in a certain environment that was antithetical to my values (ambiguous intentionally, as it was a red flag for me, but not necessarily for others. I also knew his family well, so it was not a blind, curtain dropping NO!) I felt that I should first get to know the guy, see the good for myself, before facing the negative facts.

My perspective: If Hashem has directed me to this young man, there must be a reason, something for me to gain from. Of course, at most times, I did not have a barrage of young men at my door. It is sometimes necessary to create a soft, nicely padded "No," for those times when options necessitate selection.

But when I try to set people up, I am met with resounding NO!s. First come the questions (how should I know how she'd react if she had a flat tire- never happened! Um, of course he'll wake up to feed the theoretical triplets when his wife is sleep deprived. Yes, naturally, she would drive to San Mateo, CA, to conduct a kiruv seminar with her husband if he was to become a world-renowned kiruv rav.) I have been shocked, but of the last 5 dates I have tried to arrange, 3 of them were NOs! because of a 3 or 4 hour driving distance.

Ah, the NO!s 

No,

Too modern.

Too bald.

Too boring.

Too loud-tie wearing.

Too shiny teeth.

Too far a drive.

Too close to home.

Too typical.

Too exotic.

Too NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED.

This is not directed to a specific person, but just some food for thought. 

WHAT IF... your intended kallah was only 4'9" and you said no because you envisioned yourself with a tall blonde?

WHAT IF your intended beshert had a prosthetic leg and you always envisioned yourself with a two-legged man?

WHAT IF your intended beshert lived outside your 30 miles of comfort and you always envisioned marrying the girl next door?

WHAT IF the reason you are in shidduchim for this period of time is to extend yourself? To find yourself beyond the parochial confines of your imagination? What if the reason you are still lonely is because you said no to your intended beshert without ever meeting him?

When I was still dating, I would debate with my friends. Why do you ask about medical issues before meeting the person? Why do you talk about emuna, faith, but try to create your own recipe for a "happy marriage" by ruling out those with certain illnesses? G-d gives life, G-d takes away life, G-d forbid. He grants health, and just as easily, he can G-d forbid take it. In a society that is very focused on emuna when it comes to income, we seem to selectively abandon our emuna in dating. Hashem can easily bring upon post partum depression to that woman who had no TRACE of it beforehand...Hashem can instantly turn a healthy person into a type I diabetic -even adult onset! Hashem can, within the blink of an eye, distort our reality. And at the same time, those who have faced serious adversity (both in the form of health issues, dysfunctional backgrounds, etc.) can be the strongest, most amazing spouses and parents out there because they have worked their entire lives to OVERCOME.

I work in a health care environment of chronic diseases, and I am always amazed by the beautiful marriages some patients have built. "Wait, you married her knowing she would need this surgery some time in the near future?" "Hang on - you CHOSE to marry him, of all eligible men, despite this debilitating disease he has for life?" Yes. Not because they were desperate, not because they were angels. But because they CHOSE to see the YES, to see the good. They overlooked the NOs, they did not seek out the NOs before getting to know the soul, the good, the strength.

Everyone should merit to marry emotionally and physically healthy spouses- of course. But the path to marriage is not straightforward for most - we have to work, struggle, grow. What better way to start off the process than looking for the positive, for the YES!

As fate would have it, I had to attest to my convictions that I had so professed to my friends regarding health issues. If I had looked for the NO!, I would never have married my husband. He had a blaring handicap that was such a NO! without even meeting him. The NO! literally opposed an item on my list of top 5 qualities because my list did not leave room for revision, for interference. It's words had strict definition. But I was intrigued. And I was determined to focus on the positive. So I said yes. Throughout our dating, I got to see the immense good that the NO! almost clouded. Intensely sensitive to others. Super-humanly hard working. Everything he had, he had to work triple hard to obtain because of his disability. And by the end of our courtship - at the start of our marriage- I said to him, "If not for your disability, I would never have married you." Not a pity marriage- never marry for pity. I saw that his weakness - his disability- proved to be the source of all his strength. I realized that my vocabulary of my list was limited. I thought that certain traits were defined a specific way, but he taught me that you CAN fly without wings. You CAN see without eyes. If not for his disability, he would not have embarked on the journey to push himself to his potential. And that is an awesome, inspiring reality.

So please- next time you want to say NO!, reconsider. It may very well be that the NO! could be blinding you from the most amazing future. Live a little, surprise yourself, and see where the "yes" takes you.

Who's On Deck?

Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in this ocean of names. I've recently been bombarded with potentials –– not necessarily "yeses" –– just names. I mean, one or two "yeses" at a time, sure, just not the type necessarily that I feel compelled to go out with.

I'm at this point that I cannot go out with every "yes" that comes my way, especially if there's nothing on point about the profile of the guy. Currently I said "no" to one guy and am dragging my feet with another. I know that I need to do what feels right to me, but I sometimes wonder what the proper hishtadlus is here. (*Definitely different for everyone in different stages of life and shidduchim)

I know I don't need to go out with every Joe that expresses interest, but I would never "say no" to someone for a stupid reason. I do believe there is a concept of missing one's bashert, but that doesn't mean that I have to date the guy that I feel I have nothing in common with and doesn't match what I'm looking for at all just because he likes my picture.

Often I feel like people look for the "no;" they don't want to put forth the effort to meet someone, so they pick on something that paturs them from having to meet a girl/guy. Recently my friend was trying to redt me to a guy and he was interested up until the part where he found out we live in different cities. I get that traveling might not be convenient for him and I don't fault him for "saying no" in the least bit. I just wonder if he (or really anyone in that position) isn't shirking their hishtadlus...especially since we could figure out a way to meet and see if it's anything –– when we happen to be in the same place (no travel necessary for him).

No taanos against him or anyone who "says no" for any reason, really, because it means that I'm not supposed to date them. He (or whoever) is saving me time and energy. I always think that someone who I feel like I would probably get along with who isn't interested to meet me, that it's for the best, because perhaps we would hit it off but it wouldn't work in the long run, so I'm better off never having met him. G-d is saving me from unnecessary heartache. (Or it'd be a one-and-done and who needs those...)

I also heard somewhere that not only does the Bas Kol (that announces "Bas Ploni l'Ploni" 40 days before someone is conceived) announce the person's zivug, but all the names of the people that that person is supposed to date before s/he finds his/her bashert. This person who "said no" is simply not on my list...

Having a name "on deck" really doesn't make me feel any better than not having a name at all. I wish that people wouldn't tell me when they had an idea for me, because more times than not the guy will never even hear my name for whatever reason. A name doesn't mean anything until the person comes back with "a yes" and is standing in the batter's box ready to play the game.

Names on deck or not, it doesn't make my "One" any closer. It's all about the buses.

15 Ways Being In Shidduchim Has Helped Me Feel the Galus

1. A shadchan asked me for another "more casual" picture "to share" even though the one she had is me perfectly casual, how I look in real life; it's not like it's me at a wedding or even dressed up.

2. Someone asked my coworker if I'm good at my job, because after all, I'm not married so how much could I know already.

3. A shadchan, trying to figure out what type of guy I'm looking for, told me that a particular yeshiva where a-guy-I-dated-seriously learned was "the bottom of the barrel."

4. I've been kindly advised that I don't want to be 30 and not married so I need to decide what I'm going to compromise on in a guy.

5. A shadchan calmly declared that the type of guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. (How come I've dated so many of the type then??)

6. By the way people treat me sometimes, it feels like I wear a sign around my neck, "Single. Something Must Be Wrong With Me. I Want Your Pity."

7. Someone asked a friend of mine to babysit, even though she's at least five years older than the parents and has a job, a life, and is probably just as busy as the mom.

8. I was encouraged to get engaged/married to someone with a particular set of things that bothered me...because I was "older." (I was 22 at the time (!), and thank G-d I didn't.)

9. We're encouraging 21 year old guys to start dating, because "He's 21, Just Ask!"

10. There's usually some sort of turbulence around "yeses" and the process that goes into deciding who I should go out with. It's probably the biggest thing I fight with my parents about...I hate that it gives us a reason to argue.

11. People will suggest someone to me just because "he's older" and I'm "a little older." When I ask why they think it's a good idea they accuse me of being picky and "don't you want to get married?!"

12. Someone once asked me for a picture to send to a guy she was trying to redt me to. After I sent her one, she replied, "Not that one. Can you send another?" I sent another. I kid you not, this went on for a handful of pictures. "I don't get it," she said. "You're so pretty, don't you have any better pictures?" I ended up telling my mom to deal with the person, because what I really wanted to say was that I'm not going out with that guy that wanted the picture, and he could marry a photo of me. I'd even autograph it for him.

13. I used to have a colorful shidduch profile/resume. I thought it was cute and reflected my penchant for creativity. That is until a shadchan told me I need to change it, and "What are you, like, in high school, or something?"

14. A shadchan was redting me to a guy (I guess he was younger than me) and told me that I need to take my date of birth off my resume asap. I'm not really sure what was happening there. Was she planning to lie about my age? (And this was a good while ago...)

15. Perhaps it ultimately comes down to the pain and heartache that feeling alone and navigating the rocky terrain of this shidduch battlefield generates: the feeling of being itemized and objectified often, being misunderstood and misjudged, having to be "sold"/proven worthy to people/waiting for a "yes," never getting any reply ever from shadchanim who ask me to stay in touch, disrupting important plans because meeting every new suggestion is a priority if I want to get married, the repeated heartbreak of connecting with someone and building a relationship and then having to let him go forever, the breakups that are compounded by said guy after dating me for so long going and getting engaged a mere few weeks later - pouring salt on that raw wound, having to reduce myself to a few sentences on a paper, watching everyone else around me successfully moving forward in their lives and wondering if I'll ever be able to get off this hamster wheel, feeling sad for myself and being yelled at because I "should be happier" because "your sister/brother/cousin/random acquaintance just got engaged/married! Are you so self-absorbed," and really everything else that comes along with this game...