Your Path to the King's Treasury

You've all heard the mashal, I'm sure, about the guy who gets invited by the king –– an entire day to take whatever he can in 24 hours from the king's treasury. This week Mrs. Shifra Rabenstein, in a shuir about the Aseres Y'mei Teshuva, put her own spin on it. I'll get to her changes in a second. I want to add some of my own too.

Let me remind you of the story first.

The king wants to make the whole day as pleasant as he can for the man, and he sets up the path to the treasury, lining it with every pleasure possible. Every few feet there is some other materialistic thing that catches the guy's attention. A five star restaurant with a maitre d who treats him royally, serving him a seven course meal accompanied by various expensive bottles of wine. A comfortable bed bedecked in the softest linens to sleep off his food and drink. A concert. A sushi bar. A show. A carving station. Whatever, you name it.

As the parable goes, the guy gets so distracted that either he completely misses his window and gets nothing from the treasury that he can take away with him, or he wakes up in the last few seconds and grabs a handful of coins, crying at his missed opportunity.

Mrs. Rabenstein added her own spin. "What if," she said, "What if the guy's friend comes with him and shakes him by the shoulder as he sees him getting distracted.

"Yankel, it's 1pm. You have to get a move on." "What? Oh, okay...just five more minutes, this bed is so comfortable..." "Yankel, it's 3pm! Your time is fading." "Huh? Right, okay...California roll please!"

"What if," Mrs. Rabenstein said, "What if, he not only reminds him, but he shakes him by the shoulders..."

"YANKEL! IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK! YOU ONLY HAVE THREE HOURS LEFT!"

"What if," said Mrs. Rabenstein, "What if we realize that Hashem is shaking us? Reminding us that we only have three hours left? What if Hashem is literally shaking the ground under us? How many hurricanes and earthquakes have there been in the past couple months? How much shaking do we need?!"

I guess my addition to the story would take on something that I heard from the rav of our shul on Rosh Hashana. He was talking about living al kiddush Hashem and how that is harder than dying al kiddush Hashem, how every moment, every choice that we make, is just that. He talked about how perhaps our living al kiddush Hashem is accepting our life circumstances, no matter how uncomfortable they might seem, and realizing that that is not only emunah, but that is living al kiddush Hashem.

What if our path to the king's treasure house isn't strewn with sushi bars and ice cream? What if our path has roadblocks and speed humps? Will we decide to take a different way that potentially leads us nowhere near our destination, just because it feels like we'll never get there if we stay on the path that we're on? Are we following a GPS that has the wrong address plugged in? Are we looking for the route that doesn't have traffic but may take us through all the bad neighborhoods and we won't necessarily ever make it there ever?

Yom Kippur has purifying properties in it of itself. We just need to go through it to get cleansed. Elul, the aseres y'mei teshuva, culminates in Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur climaxes at Neila. Neila peaks with Hashem Hu HaElokim. Hashem Hu HaElokim, and we have a personal relationship with him...He wants to give us from His treasure house. The question of the first Rosh Hashana ever was "Ayeka?!" That question reverberates still today...

Gmar Chasima Tova!

Game Over...Play Again?

At 12:47 AM I received an email from a shadchan with whom I have fairly good relationship.

Please call me.

When I spoke to him midday, after exchanging pleasantries, the conversation went like this:

"So, as soon as I start talking you'll know where this is going..."

Of course I knew. Though we speak often, he's only ever set me up with one guy (probably a little over a year ago).

"I met so-and-so at maariv last night..."

Bingo!

"We got to talking, and I asked him what has and hasn't been working for him and what he's looking for now. I could tell, in his mind, he was going back to you."

He was perfectly respectful when I told him I really wasn't interested to revisit it, and he even remembered why I "said no." Truthfully, the guy is a great guy, but aside from the reason reason I said no, we just didn't have any "click." I didn't want to spend time with him, I didn't want to see him again, I didn't want to talk to him about anything.

It's not like the guy is running after me, but his name has come up four or five times in the past year since I've dated him, all in instances where someone thought of the idea, redt it to him, and then came back to me saying that they thought of this idea for me and redt it to the guy who said that we went out already but he would be interested to try again.

I know there's nothing to talk about here, but it's instances like these that make me second-guess myself. Why is it that a good handful of people thought of this idea, he wants another chance, but I so don't see it? Okay, so maybe, technically, it makes sense on paper, no one can know whether we'll have chemistry, but why has the idea come up so much?

Because this type of thing makes me overthink things, I have to remember that I gave it three dates when I knew after one that it wasn't a shidduch. I've been dating for awhile; I have a fairly good sense after a first date to know if something will go anywhere. (I'm not saying I know after one date if I'm going to marry someone, just if it will have any potential at all.) There was a specific reason why it wasn't going to work for me. And I just didn't like him. Nothing against him; we just had no chemistry/click/back-and-forth. I don't know, I really don't understand how it happens that someone can like me/see potential, when I don't, at all.

Okay, enough overthinking for now. I'm fairly confident in my decision. Just still boggles my mind a little.

It's All A Game

Sometimes I feel like my life is one long game of Calvinball. 

Make up the rules as you go along. 

No two rules can be the same. 

Adapt. 

Accept rules from each player introduced. 

Try to capture the flag. 

Use any piece of equipment as you see fit to score points. 

Get messy sometimes. 

Feel crazy sometimes. 

Apologize. 

Let people know when you are hurt.

Stand up for yourself.

Maybe dodge bullets.

Maybe listen to other people's advice.

But don't lose your own voice.

Don't overthink trivial things.

Let people in.

Let people out.

Juggle all your balls equally ––

Work, family, health, friends, integrity.

Except work.

Work is a rubber ball that will bounce back up if you drop it.

The others are made of glass.

They will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, or even shatter.*

Be smart.

Don't burn bridges.

Smile.

Work hard.

Make a difference.

Work towards a goal.

Shrug at idiosyncrasies. 

Color outside the lines.

Agree with your imagination.

If you can dream it, make it happen.

Live on the edge.

Choose with no regret.

Be true to yourself.

Love freely.

Live passionately.

Follow your "what ifs."

Maintain your dignity.

Don't be afraid to change.

Enjoy the journey.

Have the courage to talk about how you feel.

Show up and be seen.

Ask for what you need.

Don't step on other people's toes.

Know when you need to take a time-out.

Take them frequently.

Love yourself.

Let this love spill over to others.

Do your best.

Then do it again.

Never make assumptions.

And don't take things personally.

Own the moment.

Don't get too caught up to enjoy the sunsets.

Never settle.

Always challenge yourself.

Break down barriers.

Dance in the rain.

Sing along to the songs.

Indulge yourself often.

But not too often.

Check every so often that you're headed in the right direction.

Choose your partner wisely.

Help others.

But not if it hurts you.

Laugh.

Learn.

Repeat.

Play nice.

Be the author of your story.

If you get a chance, take it.

Ride the waves.

Keep fighting. 

Don't forget to have fun!

If life is a game...

*Original quote attributed to James Patterson

Healthy Relationships: Empaths and Codependents

I think we pay a lot of attention to what feels right, shared values, checking things off our "list," etc., while dating, but how often do we pay attention to the health of a relationship? (Perhaps I should first ask if the way we date actually even allows us to create relationships for us to pay attention to their patterns and health. That's a different topic altogether, but for the purpose of this post, I'm going to assume that we do have that opportunity. I guess if it isn't before engagement and marriage, the development of a real relationship happens after marriage.) People generally believe that once they finally find "The One," they can ride off into the sunset. Relationships take work, and they're not always smooth sailing from the get-go.

There are many different personality profiles that work (better or worse) together in a relationship, as well as many healthy and/or unhealthy relationship patterns, but here I'm going to focus on my personal experience and talk about empaths in relationships. I've written before about what I feel about being an empath...or rather having numerous characteristics of an empath.

With relation to empaths, there are various types of "energy vampires" that tend to suck vitality from anyone, but empaths in particular, which obviously is a setup for an unhealthy relationship. Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about the line between empaths and codependents, ie. what role does the empath play in this dysfunction? Let me back up a bit. I'll do my best to try to define these terms for you, so you know what we're talking about.

Dr. Judith Orloff, M.D., the author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People explains that the trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions because of his or her high sensitivities. Empaths filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. They're highly sensitive with big hearts, ie. givers, nurturers, and good listeners. They "pick up" on others' emotions, are highly intuitive, have highly tuned physical senses, feel others' pain (sometimes too much), and give a lot to others (sometimes to the extent that they deplete themselves).

Codependency at its best/worst looks pretty messy and dysfunctional. It involves people relying on their partner in unhealthy/unbalanced relationships to gain personal esteem or even their identity. It can be classified similar to how an addiction might be. Someone feels good about himself or herself or maintains his or her identity only through the relationship. However, at its most basic, it looks more like what I once heard someone suggest codependency is –– someone caring about someone else's problems more than the sufferer himself does. Another way I heard it defined was that someone might feel responsible to "fix,""save," or take care of someone, often not realizing that this is taking a toll on himself or herself, and that s/he is putting the other person's needs before his or her own. Often this plays out as the person not recognizing that he's sacrificing his own wants/needs for another and simply thinking that he has no preference (ie. "wants" or "needs"). 

Here's a link to patterns and characteristics of a codependent if you'd like to read more about it.

Follow this (another link) to read a great poem someone recently sent me about codependent relationships. It speaks to how often relationships can become enmeshed, how one's identity begins to depend on the other person's feelings and his sense of self becomes defined by the ups and downs of the relationship. 

Back to our main discussion, I relate to a lot of the typical characteristics of empaths and also to a few characteristics of codependents (and to me I feel like there's a big overlap). As I've been reading, it's easy for empaths to fall into codependent patterns if they are not vigilant about it. It's a lot about being aware of one's own needs and setting good boundaries. It takes two to tango, and both sides need to be aware of their behaviors and attitudes. One person should never have to be responsible for, or carry the entire burden of, a relationship.

It would probably be easy for me to fall into caretaker mode or give into what the other person wants in a relationship (to an unhealthy degree), and so I know I need to be on top of setting good boundaries. In a similar way, I need to do my best to be careful to not get into a relationship with someone who would take advantage of this fact, because despite how good my boundaries might be, it's easy for me to slip into that "giving/saving" role. In the same vein, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a codependent's care-taking, because I believe it's important for there to be two autonomous people in a relationship. Two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a complete union.

This article tackles topics like love addiction, empaths, codependency, healing, and healthy relationships. If you don't want to read all of it, I suggest skipping to about midway through and reading "Empathic Codependency" and "Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship."

With all this talk about codependency, it is important for me to mention that we do need others. Having someone to support you and you him/her, having someone you can rely on and vice versa, caring for someone/someone caring for you, being sensitive to someone else's needs, etc., is a big part of relationships. In July, I blogged about recognizing your needs and how important it is that you identify what they are and can be sure that your partner is able and willing to fulfill them. Independent but connected. Fully responsible for your own life but being committed to and close to those you love (a self-differentiated adult).

There is a fine line between "saving" and "supporting," "being responsible for" and "being sensitive to." One's happiness or sense of self should never be dependent on his relationship or how much he can help/save/fix others. To understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship, I would recommend reading about and identifying your attachment style.

Overall, I think most important is the willingness to work on oneself and how you relate to someone in a relationship, as every relationship can be different and bring out different patterns for each person. You never want to lose yourself, or trample someone else's sense of self, in your relationship.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Someone who I went to high school with, and with whom I haven't spoken to in months and months, texted me:

"Hi SPDR, I just wanted to know what you're looking for."

A few minutes later, "I hope you had a good Rosh Hashana."

Only slightly annoyed at her phraseology and method, I politely replied.

"Hi! You mean in terms of a guy? This is what I tell people..."

"Okay, would you go out with a long-term learner?"

I tried to ignore the expression she used. I tried to ignore that fact that she was asking me about one characteristic when there's so much more to the person, I hope. I just answered her question, very clearly and concisely.

"No."

"Oh well," she replied.

"Just thought it would be a good idea in terms of personality, etc., but he's a long term learner."

To which I replied that I doubt we would be on the same page in terms of hashkafos, broadmindedness, worldliness, etc."

"But he's openminded. That's why I thought of you."

Trying to be open, I questioned in what ways he's openminded and what his background is, etc., but that I would likely not go out with someone only learning at this point, especially someone who plans to stay in kollel indefinitely. She didn't answer. A little while later she got back to me.

"Okay...well, I mentioned to him that you would date someone working and he said he's not interested then."

Ummm, why does she not listen what I have to say about this, but whatever he says goes? I mean, that was exactly the point, wasn't it? Does she think I'm so desperate that even if I tell her flat out "no," that I would not agree to go out with someone wanting to learn forever, I would consider it? I was never looking to marry a guy who wanted to learn l'olmei ad, even when I was super bright-eyed and bushy-tailed straight out of seminary wanting to scrimp and save to support a family in kollel forever. 

Honestly, I feel like it's disrespectful. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but her way about it rubs me the wrong way. If I tell you that that's not what I want, why are you belaboring the point? Why is it only good enough when the guy says that he doesn't want someone who doesn't want someone learning? Was there a reason why you asked me what I'm looking for or was that a formality?

Maybe only ask questions if you really are going to listen to the answer.

Music That Speaks to You

Often, music is one of those topics that comes up during a couple's courtship. Someone's familiarity with, or exposure to, secular music and media probably speaks to his/her hashkafos and/or religiosity, but that's a different discussion. (I feel like it's individual and means something different to everyone. Context and all that.)

Recently someone was relating their personal take on secular music and media, and they were saying that why do you want to expose yourself to things that are foreign to your way of living, being, doing –– what you can have or can want. I don't think I have to give examples here, just pay attention to about every song that plays next time you're anywhere.

It's not even a frum thing; it's about setting yourself up for success. You can definitely limit your exposure to only "kosher" things, and that's one way about it. There are other concerns too even within "kosher" ideas and "kosher" lyrics. I'm not going to touch that here though.

As a writer (and romantic) I appreciate good lyrics, ones that are lyrical and poetic, and lyrics that speak to me. Truthfully, I'll often notice how I can relate most song lyrics to something in my life or what I'm thinking or going through anyway, but still, more complex diction seems to speak to me more.

I'm not super musical, but repeating words and repetitive melodies (when there are actual melodies that is) grate on my nerves, and therefore I'm not the biggest fan of Jewish music. There are probably a few tens of good Jewish songs that I can think of off-hand, and when I listen to the same songs over and over, I get sick of them fairly quickly.

I never really felt okay listening to secular music, and more recently I've been pretty successful at this ban. I've been playing random Jewish music playlists on Spotify, and coincidentally leading up to Rosh Hashana I noticed how so many songs are about "Hashem Melech" (and not just the popular Gad Elbaz song).

Jewish music, if you can get past its frequent mediocrity in terms of arrangement, can be beautiful. If you really think about it, Jewish music often takes words of Nach, which are infinitely more gorgeous than today's pop singers' lyrics...if you're really listening.

Shira is a tefillah; song has special power.

I'm starting to notice how Jewish music speaks to me. If I let it.

What lyrics speak to you?

Making Things Better

In a recent article, and talk, Rabbi Moshe Hauer nailed it. He spoke about how it's the community's responsibility to make things better for our singles.

He outlined how singles do not want pity; they want and deserve respect. Just because someone has not yet found his/her spouse does not mean that he should be any less recognized for his accomplishments. He also talks about support, networking, and shidduchim.

You'll have to follow the above link to read about it. He does a great job; no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.

While this stuff should be intuitive, unfortunately it's not. Why we have to tell people these things is beyond me, but Rabbi Hauer is right on the mark. Please read, forward, and tell everyone you know about this article. It should be required reading.

Ani L'Dodi V'Dodi Li: Rosh Hashana, Relationships, Love

Rosh Hashana. New beginnings, shofar, being mamlich Hashem melech, teshuva, reflecting on the past year... There is so much that comes to mind when I think about the Yom HaDin. For this post, I want to explore a mindset that will hopefully be helpful for this yuntif.

Last Rosh Hashana I wrote about how fiery speeches about gehenom have not been broadly used to motivate us in recent times. Instead, most popular contemporary baalei mussar have appealed to us through the venue of Hashem’s love for us, and yiraas shamyim and ahavas Hashem are closely intertwined. The yirah is an awareness of s'char v'onesh and a sense of right and wrong; the ahava can be an outlook and a means to achieve the awareness.

I think especially when you feel like you're faced with the same, or similar, challenges over and over, and it's so much easier to disengage, this mindset is so helpful. Going into Rosh Hashana knowing that everything that will happen in the coming year is being decided, thinking that you davened well last year, but are still feeling very stuck, it's a challenge. Focusing on a love and relationship with G-d changes that perspective though. 

I want to expound on that here.

I've found that there are two general schools of thought when it comes to the Yamim Noraim and teshuva. 

One approach is the fire and brimstone, "Shimu na HaMorim!" "Ma L'cha Nirdam?!" We're told that we're asleep, taking our life that G-d graciously gave us and throwing it away. We're labeled hypocritical for rationalizing and excusing our misdeeds as positive actions. Basically, what it boils down to is that we're on a one-way trip to gehenom. We're disconnected from our neshama, and we're going nowhere fast. This style sometimes works to shock us out of complacency. We get scared; we feel regret, and this generates positive change. Sometimes. Yet, many times it backfires. Either it causes us to give up because it seems like we're so far gone, or it breeds excuses. We think to ourselves that we're not that bad; we find something good we're doing in life to get us off the hook.

Approach two is that of a benevolent G-d waiting for His child to bring home a test even with just a "C" circled in red on top. I've heard Rabbi Baruch Leff speak about this idea, as he titled it, "We're Not as Bad as We Think We Are." Compared to generations of the past, he says, we are exposed to that much more shmutz. In fact, during a person's 15 minute drive to work or school, or perhaps even during a mere walk down the street, we are exposed to more than what our ancestors were exposed to in their entire life in the shtetl. Rabbi Leff suggests that because of our situation Hashem takes what He can get, so to speak, and does not judge our mitzvos as inferior. Whatever it is that we're up against gets weighed in the equation. It isn't so much what we are or aren't doing right, but what sort of relationship do you have with Hashem?

So, here's the question: which approach works "better"? Which is more real? Is it simply a matter of preference? How can scaring people by saying that they're doomed before they start be a catalyst for change? But then, how can telling people that they're just fine how they are motivate them either?

Does the difference here lie in teshuva m'yirah vs. teshuva m'ahava? We're so scared of gehenom that we change our ways, rather than realizing that Hashem loves every mitzvah we do and then mirror that love in our actions. This generation, I think, is more understanding of love. Any harsh punishment is termed "abuse" and has the very real potential to send someone off the derech. The Torah believes in punishment; what do we do with a ben soreh u'moreh? A mechalel Shabbos gets skeilah. Yet, we are a product of our society, and we find it hard to tolerate anything but positive reinforcement. Perhaps it is for this reason that we like the ahava model better. But, do we understand it for real? Are we really on that level? Ahavas Hashem is really a step above fearing G-d.

R' Itzik Isaac Sher, the author of Leket Sichos Mussar, tells us that the ikar avodas Elul is to realize "Ani L'Dodi, V'Dodi Li," "I am to My beloved as My beloved is to Me." We're supposed to spend Elul realizing that Hashem loves us no matter what. Hashem knows where we are spiritually. He sets up test after test for us, because He believes in us; He thinks very highly of us. It's easy for us to get stuck listening to the voice of the Yetzer Hara telling us all sorts of things: "You're so far gone." "It's the same thing year after year, so why bother this year?" "I just don't want to change; what's the point when it won't stick?" "I'm comfortable where I am." "This is who I am. Those things are for yeshivish people." "I'm not working on all that right now. It's not important or a priority."

Ahavas Hashem is not about letting us off the hook! It's about your relationship with G-d. Relationships are a lot of work! Shlomo Hamelech said, "Cholas ahava ani," Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein translates, "I am sick in love with Hashem!" How many of us can really say that? Does it hurt us that Hashem is missing from our lives? Do we feel sick with longing to be close to Hashem, have a committed relationship with Him and no other? If this was our level of ahavas Hashem how could we not do as He asks? Won't we do anything for someone we love?

Actually, this is one of the main themes of Rosh Hashana. Rabbi Wallerstein questions why we blow shofar on Rosh Hashana if the point is to commemorate akeidas Yitzchok. Why are we reminding Hashem of the ayeil that Avraham brought as a korban rather than sacrificing Yitzchok? Shouldn't it be anything but that; the ram is the recognition that Avraham didn't actually sacrifice Yitzchok!

Briefly, the answer is that we can say that akeidas Yitzchok was done out of fear of G-d. The Satan tried to stop Avraham from bringing Yitzchok, but at the point when it became apparent that Avraham was willing and ready to sacrifice his son, the pasuk says, "Atah yadati ki yarei elokim atah." But Avraham was not going to stop at that! He could have very well taken his son and gone home. Hashem told him what to do, he did it, Hashem then told him to stop. He was yotzei! But no! "Hashem! You told me to bring a korban; I'm not going to go home until I've brought you a korban! " This was Avraham's undying love of Hashem. The Satan could not bear to see this, so while the ayeil was running toward Avraham, the Satan wrapped it in thorns and vines, making it a teircha for Avraham to reach. Yiras Elokim the Satan can handle, but ahavas Hashem is that much greater.

We do teshuva out of fear, our aveiros get erased, but when we do teshuva out of ahava, they become mitzvos! Not only can they not testify against us in shamyim, they become advocates for us! And this is the power of akeidas Yitzchok. So, yes, it makes sense that we blow shofar, the horn of a ram. The ayeil commemorates the ahavas Hashem that Avraham portrayed. It is even stronger than the actual willingness to sacrifice Yitchok, because this sacrifice was out of ahava.

It is for this reason that blowing shofar causes Hashem to k'vyachol to get up from his keisay din and switch to his keisay rachamim. If we love Hashem, He will give us everything we need. If we really need something, we'll get it, because G-d gives each and everyone one of us everything we need to flourish in this world. 

Perhaps this Rosh Hashana davening's focus can be to foster your relationship with HK"BH by recognizing Who is Melech (king) and how privileged you are to have a special relationship with Him.

Ksiva V'chasima Tova and Shana Tova U'Mesuka!

Welcome...Please Leave Me A Comment

I got a call yesterday.

"I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you."

Okay, not that unusual. I occasionally get phone calls from people I haven't spoken to in awhile.

"I'm worried about you SPDR."

A little bit unusual. Out of the blue, worried about me.

"I have a confession to make; I've been reading your blog. I read every post, even the back-links."

That sort of explains it.

I have no idea who you are, all you ghost readers. It's okay, I'm not complaining. I'm glad you're reading. I'm happy you keep coming back for more. I hope something I say can inspire you. It'd be awesome though if you could drop me a line and let me know who you are or where you're reading from, especially if we know each other IRL. Maybe I gave you my url once upon a time and you've been following my rantings since. Comment, email, text, call... I'd love to touch base.

And please, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I process through writing (and talking), so even though I know that a lot of my stuff hasn't been that happy recently, I promise, I'm doing okay. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

A New Year and Where Am I?

I think I'm in denial. I have no idea how it can be Rosh Hashana again. What happened this year?? What happened to everything I davened for last Rosh Hashana? And maybe I'm being dramatic. B"H I have health, a good job, family, and so much more. But, thinking back on this year, it's been one of the hardest thus far. Not only has it had an intense hamster-wheel-Groundhog-Day feel, there have been steep ups and downs.

I was reflecting on how much my life has changed since last Rosh Hashana and the one before that and the year before that, etc. I went back and read some things I'd written. Honestly, if this is how I felt four years ago, this year it's just compounded. Last year's reflections on the Yom HaDin had a similar flavor.

(So many back-links, I know, but here's more on the Yaamim Noraim if you so desire.)

What set this year apart from all the previous ones as they blur together? Perhaps it's in all the people I met, all the lives I've touched, all the people who changed me. Maybe it's in how I've grown, what I've learned, what I let go, what I've recognized, what I've forgotten. And when I thought things were hard during previous struggles, I guess it's a good thing I didn't know that things could get harder.

I was recently going through old stuff and I found old cards that people had written me. Some were birthday or thank you cards from old friends I haven't talked to in years, some from grandparents that are no longer alive. Others were from random people whose cards I kept because they were particularly heartfelt. A trip down memory lane. It should have been pleasant, but it hurt. I think it was painful because I feel so stuck in my current stage of life.

I found a bunch of wedding invitations from close friends' weddings that I kept for who knows what reasons. I found a list of people I wrote that I wanted to invite to my wedding. I guess that was a young idealistic version of me who was doing some planning. Again, painful.

Life is dynamic, it doesn't stop for the hurt or weary. A whole year went by. I'm not the same person. Far from it. Can I say that I'm a better version of me? What did I gain this year? What did I lose? What do I want to daven for this Rosh Hashana? I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in this mindless loop just asking G-d to give me clarity, happiness, and for it to finally be the year in which I can celebrate my marriage to the person of my dreams. There's so much more to ask for, so much more to life. Perhaps this is tunnel vision, but I really feel like it colors all. No, I don't think marriage fixes everything, because I know it doesn't, but it does speak to this big gaping wound.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking about the nitty gritty and focus on what's important, the relationship. It's really all boils down to my relationship with Hashem. We don't ask for personal bakashos on Rosh Hashana, we focus on the avoda of being Mamlich Him Melech. If Hashem is my King, if He is truly my Father and my King then I have nothing to worry about (as long as I opt in*).

*A few years ago Mrs. Chanie Juravel, in a shuir about the Yaamim Noraim, told over how the Slonimer Rebbe speaks out how the being judged for maves or chaim on Rosh Hashanah is not something to be afraid of. We make the choice! Do you want life, or do you prefer out? After all, a rasha even in his lifetime is considered a meis.

It's Not Yet Time

"Sometimes It's Not Goodbye, Just A Hello Waiting Patiently for Another Time"

~The Better Man Project

I stumbled across "professional life coach, writer, and diehard encourager" Evan Sanders's blog, and I was immediately struck by how raw and genuine his writing is. A particular post, And I Wondered, "Does This Path Have Heart," grabbed me. I read it a few times realizing that I connected with it because I so deeply relate to what he writes, so much so that I could have written it myself. 

He talks about his challenge never having been to successfully love deeply, but it being in the letting go. He writes about how scenes and moments play over and over in his mind in full color and how each instance he feels all those emotions so deeply. 

This isn't another rant why breakups hurt so much (even though they do and I was thinking today about more reasons why breakups are so hard...perhaps I'll share them before this post is over), and if you're looking for practical ways to get over a breakup and/or unrequited love, I direct you to my Loves Me Not post and suggest you track down a copy of the book that inspired the post. I'm not quite sure what this post is about yet, to be honest, but as I'm writing I think it's about timing.

A client of mine this week shared that he was finally in the place career-wise that he was trying to get to for the past five years or so, a place that would have made his previous relationship of four years work that much easier. They're no longer together, and his current relationship doesn't feel the same to him. He just wants to share this success and happiness with someone he feels like cares about it as much as he does, someone who saw him through the hard work and knows what it means to him.

This is one of those reasons (that I mentioned I might write about) why breakups hurt. It's in the sharing your life with someone who genuinely cares about you. Your happiness makes them happy and vice versa. It's just how relationships work; it's in the connectedness. When you lose/don't have this person everything seems so much less vibrant or exciting. Truly, having someone to share your life with halves your troubles and doubles your joys.

Back to the timing thing though. If only my client could have gotten to where he is now a year and a half ago. Maybe it would have saved his relationship. And maybe his relationship just wasn't meant to be. And for the breakups and goodbyes that I'm struggling with now, clearly we're not meant to be right now. It's not yet time.

I need the space, we need the space, to get to where we can have a real chance. Love/like/affection/comfortability does NOT conquer all. I'm learning that everything has a time and place, and as much as patience is not something I'm great at, I'm strengthening it every day. Together with my emunah.

Life is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

It will take you beyond your breaking point, testing and trying your endurance. It will break down and deplete your glycogen storage –– turn your sugars into lactic acid that will cause muscle cramps, charley horse, torturous pain –– burn up stored proteins, cannibalize muscle and fat, and basically consume anything else it needs to keep you going. 

A marathon isn't over until you've done your 365 yards (just over 26 miles), so you can't stop. You can't tap out. It's not an option.

You're in it for the long haul. No matter how many things are being thrown at you while you're running, you just have to keep going. No matter how much you just feel like curling up in a ball and nursing your wounds, you just have to keep going. 

It isn't a sprint, and you no burst of speed will get you there quicker. Slow and steady wins the race. (Isn't that what we learned from the tortoise and the hare?) Sometimes the best things take time. Sometimes when you feel like you have nothing left and can't do it anymore, you realize that if it was worth the struggle up until now, it's worth continuing. 

Reminds me of this cartoon.

Breakups and Breakdowns

You would think I might gain some perspective, I was thinking as I left the hospital yesterday after visiting a family member. Life is short; life is fragile. I have better things to be worrying about. Except that all those better things just compound my sadness and stress.

It's so hard to grasp onto, this feeling. It's loss, but it's something so much more. It's doubt. It's sorrow. It's rumination. It's probably even self-hate to some degree. It's maybe even anger. Is it despair too?

Every day this week felt like Thursday; it's been the longest week in quite some time. Every night felt so long and lonely. Too many nights I lay awake wondering if you were doing the same...feeling.

I thought it would feel good to finally take care of things that should have been done a long time ago but got put on hold because I was so busy all the time. I thought I would feel good getting knee-deep in some projects that are finally coming along slowly but surely. But, there's something missing. It's not unlike how normal everyday joys just aren't enjoyable to an addict after s/he quit drugs. The brain's pleasure pathways get changed up. 

I know this is different; this is temporary. I know I'll snap out of it. I don't know, maybe there's the side here that doesn't want to, that doesn't want to forget, wants to nurse this for time longer. So often we hold onto pain when it's the only vestige left from something we're not ready to let go. 

The space is good though, even as much as it's driving me crazy, as much as I just want to pick up the phone. I'm getting perspective even as I'm still so uncertain what it all means.

I remember the days that all it took was a Coffee Coolatta to make me happy, but these days it seems like not even ice cream makes a dent. I'm still overwhelmed with sadness. It's still so hard. I know it takes time. I know I need to be patient. I know I need more perspective. I know I need to figure this out. Right now though it's just about emotions. Real life is so much about logic and foresight. We're paying a price, but hopefully there will be hefty returns whatever the currency.

Riding Out the Storm

You stood beside me waiting patiently in line for the Ride of Life.
I listened and empathized with you as you shared with me how nervous you were to get on the ride again.
You squeezed my hand as we boarded the car.
And I, yours.
You reminded me to fasten my seatbelt and lower the safety bar.
I reached over to help you with yours.

We shared a grin as the ride ascended slowly.
We screamed together as the car swiveled and dropped.
We coasted for a bit.
Your car got separated from mine.
I called to you, wanting to make sure you were okay.
You hollered back.
All was okay.

You attached your car to mine again.
My car climbed some pretty steep inclines.
It took some pretty extreme drops.
You asked me to let you off of my roller coaster.

I did.

I get that you can't stomach my ride.
Too many ups and downs.
Too many highs and lows.
Too many false starts and stops.

It's hard for me too.

I know you've been on the ride longer.
I know your own loops and twirls are hard enough.

I don't need you in my car.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
But I do want you to be there.
I do want to share my life with you.

Coasting without connecting, without sharing the ride, it's superficial.
We both know that.
We both feel that.
Maybe that's why it's been hard to navigate.
Maybe that's why I feel like I'm in this alone.

I'm riding out this storm...
Yes, you might get struck by lightning if you hold an umbrella.
But I would do it for you.

Let's Break It Down: Why Breakups Hurt So Much

Okay, yes, it's intuitive that a breakup will probably hurt. How long you dated someone, your feelings for this person, the intensity of the relationship, how much a part of your life your ex was, etc., all play a role in how much the breakup, and getting over this person, will hurt.

Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.

In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.

Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.

There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.

After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.

There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.

There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)

Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.

And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...

Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)

Dignity for Singles

Someone sent me the link to Chananya Weissman's post on The Times of Israel titled "Dignity for Singles."  I'll let you read it yourself instead of rewriting it.

I think he pointed out many important ideas, and I related to a lot of them. Perhaps his article is similar to the article we wrote, which has yet to be published, outlining various perspectives from singles regarding the so called "shidduch crisis" and how people can help instead of hurt. However, I think that something that was missing from Weissman's post was the positive side to all this. I really feel like it would behoove us to remember that despite the frequent unkindness and insensitivity that we are subjected to as singles, there is so much chesed that goes on trying to help all those that are searching for their soulmates.

It never helps to stereotype and stigmatize on either end.

And Again

Dangling there

But you can't have it 

It's not for you

Why did you think it was

Take me high

Just to bring me down

Make me question

This

Is it still worth it

Do I have a choice

Did I ever

Just keep at it

Now what 

I'm all tapped out

Followed my heart 

Down a rabbit hole

Rode the ups

Now paying the price

Wondering if there is some way

Out

Life feels so cruel sometimes

It's not fair

It's not easy

It's not meant to be

Where to find the strength

To get through this

Where to find the power

To make this into a lesson