Wheeling and Dealing

There's a normal give-and-take in any relationship, a reciprocity if you will. In an early relationship it's the shared banter, the mutual disclosure, exchange of personal information, as two people get to know each other. And sometimes this giving and taking refers to actual items.

The extent of what I've given someone I was dating is pretty nominal. I once gave a guy a bobby pin for his yarmulke after it blew off multiple times, and I told him to keep it as a gift when he tried to give it back to me at the end of the night. Okay, okay, seriously, I've baked cookies for a few guys. I brought back a specific candy from E"Y that I knew the guy I was dating at the time liked. Despite my primary love language being words of affirmation followed closely by giving/receiving gifts (with others in close succession), I think my 'giving' in relationships pretty much includes cards and letters. I'd venture to say that that's mostly because it's this hard balance when you're dating someone and not sure where it's going and thus what's appropriate. (Oh, and I once wrote about fifteen pages of a twenty page grad school term paper for someone. He manipulated me into that one by saying that everyone's wives do their papers for them...I don't remember exactly how it went down, but I think it was a topic that was easy for me. It better have been, because that relationship ended in flames.)

What I've received from guys, though, is a whole other story. I've gotten really thoughtful care packages for my drive home from a date, flowers, candy platters, notes, love letters, the token Dave and Buster claw (and ticket) prizes, a trip to Miami, and then the "lent" items. One guy gave me his scarf for two weeks while he went on vacation somewhere warm. He just forgot the walking stick...literally, he gave me his scarf and called me his Tamar. (Not really a compliment if you think about it.) A different fellow gave me a blanket he keeps in his car (it was that time of year when summer turns into fall and it was cold on the beach that evening). Later he told me that the person who used it after wanted to know why it smelled feminine. 

Jesting aside, offering or accepting a gift, or perhaps it's one's own item of clothing, which is a more intimate gesture, suggests a level of comfortability, familiarity, and likability. Giving (and/or accepting) items means something, the same way complimenting someone, acting familiar in other ways, expressing your interest in someone, etc. implies something. If you're not there, you have to be careful about sending mixed messages and stringing someone along. It's also just not appropriate (at that stage). If you want to date like that, be cognizant of the fact that you're coloring outside the shidduch dating lines, and that's fine, but it comes along with its own set of responsibilities and accountabilities.