Reserving Judgement

Back in the day when someone having a Facebook account was a deal breaker for me, I went out with a guy that mentioned on our second date that his account was public. Honestly, I think I was pretty torn about this. I knew he was a good guy, a keeper in so many ways, but I couldn't get past the fact that he had Facebook and considered it "normal." Common sense told me that I needed to understand that factor with regards to who he was rather than making a judgement off the cuff.

People are complex (even when they're simple), and we each have so many different defining factors. It's easy to judge people regarding what we perceive on our little "petri dish" dates. We make conclusions about people based on isolated incidents and condemn them without bothering to get to know who they really are and what these things really mean in that context.

If someone uses a word that you're uncomfortable with, it's easy to just "say no" and keep things moving. Using colorful language, especially on a beginning date, can definitely be a pink flag, but one word is a whole different story. It doesn't give the person a status or say anything about his/her character necessarily; it just means s/he used a word you don't like. We sometimes lose the forest for the trees. In this particular instance it could just mean his/her lingo varies from your own and s/he could tailor his/her speech if it's really that offensive to you.

On another occasion, I was dating a fellow who, when I first met him, I felt made fun of people freely. It bothered me a lot, and I remember thinking that it was a middos thing. I could have dropped him like a hot potato, but I could tell that he had so many other great qualities. I filed that piece of information away, and I made a note to watch out for it as I got to know him. Happens to be, as I learned more about who he was, I realized that he didn't have bad middos. His "making fun" wasn't mocking, and he overarchingly treated people well. Had I gone with my unthinking reaction, I would have lost out on learning what he really was about.

When something that someone does on a date generates a gut "I need to break-up with him/her," response, it's always a good idea to get in touch with the why. Generally you'll find that what happened triggered some other experience(s) for you. It means that you're projecting your feelings about someone or something else onto your date. It could very well be that the guy/girl you're currently dating shares like characteristics with whomever you've had a negative experience with in the past, but it might serve you well to see how the person at hand wears this trait. Not everyone who is an independant thinker ignores daas torah, for example, nor does being confident mean domineering/pushy.

Jumping to conclusions means you miss out. Would you write someone off as quickly if you met him/her outside of this shidduch laboratory?