I preach "go with the flow," "color outside the lines," "break the 'rules'," "loosen up," yada yada yada. And, I wholeheartedly believe it; there is no set way to do this, and none of this will be true across the board. I realize everyone probably likes to do things a little differently, so this is just based on my own observations and experiences. Only if you're looking for ideas of how to do this, this post is for you.
(As a side note, all this comes after a number of years of dating. I probably would have told you that a lot of this is crazy, had you told me this, in my own words, when I first started this parsha.)
Date One:
This is all about first impressions. Generally you're going out with someone that you haven't met before. You may have heard a lot of good things about him/her, and you're hoping that the date will confirm all of it.
If you're the guy, you may get to meet her parents, and this gives you insight into her family life. If you're picking her up from her house, you get to see where she lives, and this may or may not be information you'll tuck away for later should things progress. Perhaps you'll talk with her parents before meeting the girl herself, and how you greet her when she makes an appearance surely makes a difference.
I remember the first time a fellow who came to take me out on a date looked up from his conversation with my parents and gave me a warm smile as I came into the room. It was early on in my dating career, sure, but it's still sort of troubling that I remember this as a thing, because shouldn't everyone acknowledge the girl they've come to date? I remember, too, the guy who winked at me as I entered; that was a bit off putting. (I'd never met the guy in my life, he's sitting there talking to my parents, and we hadn't yet exchanged any conversation. Not the appropriate time for a wink.) Or, the guy who didn't look at me until we walked out the front door, and then he turned to me and said, "So, what's up," as if the whole scene inside with my parents was incredibly boring and a farce. ...Happy medium! Say hello and be respectful.
Generally, the guy runs the date and picks the location. (A setting in which they can have conversation and begin to get to know basics about each other is ideal.) Sometimes he'll choose to share where they are going and even ask her if it's a good place, and sometimes he'll just start driving. I've been on the receiving end of, "I was thinking about going --here--, how does that sound?" many a times. On the one occasion in which I told him I'd prefer to go somewhere else, he got upset, because apparently I was taking over and trying to run the show. I was confused, because I thought he was asking me where I wanted to go. Turns out it was a formality. Who knew?
I've been asked to help navigate on dates, and that's totally fair. If I had to drive, make small talk with a new person, and follow a GPS at the same, I might also get discombobulated. It can make getting to a location a joint effort as well, and one person doesn't have to feel like s/he takes the blame if they end up driving hakafos around a location because they can't find the right turn off. Collaborative navigating can also help a date in terms of conversation for the car ride.
Speaking of which, this date usually is fueled by small talk. It's about getting a general sense of the person, how you feel in their presence, if you are on the same wavelength (at least peripherally).
Regarding the date's length, that's covered in this post.
Walking the girl to her door at the end of the date is a nice practice even if you think it's all show. A simple "Good night/day," "It was nice to meet you," and "Thank you," is quite enough to leave your date with.
If you're using a go-between, getting back to the shadchan right away is the mentchlach thing to do. After a first date there is little agonizing about whether you want to go out again. Either it's a hard no, or it's a yes...it's only a first/second date after all. The other person is likely waiting to hear back regarding whether you want to see her/him again, and they may be nervous about it. Allay their fears by relaying your decision in a timely manner.
Date Two:
This date is still early, and doesn't hold that much significance. Often people will give someone another date even if they're not really feeling it, because they're giving the shidduch another shot in the hopes something new might blossom. (Oftentimes this does happen, but sometimes the second date just confirms what you may have already known to be true.) Of course, seconds dates can be a lot more than just second chances.
In my opinion, this is a date where the couple needs to do something. Not necessarily "do something" do something, but it should be more than just a repeat of date one. You already hit all the small talk, and you still don't really know this person, so you aren't yet having a deep connecting personal conversation. Therefore, having a fun part of the date (like doing something active, see this post for ideas) could work, or really just changing up the scenery, like going somewhere where there are external distractions so you don't have to come up with all the material yourself. Playing a low-key game could be an idea. Sometimes working questions into the conversation from Loaded Questions, The Ungame, or other like games works too. I've done Myers-Briggs type questions/quizzes too on dates. It's an easy way to get to know someone, by trading Myers-Briggs quiz questions and learning about the person's personality preferences. In the age of the smartphone, it's pretty easy to come up with something.
On a date, once upon a time, a guy introduced me to "Shidduch Bingo." It's low prep, because all you need for the game is two pieces of paper, two pens, and a scissors. The way the game goes is you cut your paper in half, and make one half your bingo board. Draw five rows by five columns, marking your middle space as free and numbering the rest of the open spaces randomly with the numbers one through twenty four. On the second half of your paper, you and your date each write twelve questions. Don't forget to number them! Examples might be: What's your favorite food? What was the last book you read? Or, you could throw in some more intense questions like, What's something you're working on right now? Since it's a second date, you get to decide how in depth you want your answers to be. You can answer that one about what you're working on with a "I'm working on finishing this paper for school," or you could say "I'm working on being more patient with people when they make me upset." The questions get cut up and folded up into the middle. You and your date take turns picking questions at random (and you both answer every question no matter who picked it). After you answer, you cross off that number from your bingo board. First person to get bingo wins! (You can of course keep playing until you've answered all the questions.)
A second date can be longer than a first date, because you have some feedback that the person isn't completely dying of boredom or that they're feeling like it's completely off base. (S/he agreed to another date with you.)
Again, getting back to the shadchan in a timely manner is the nice thing to do. If you need some time to think about things, at least let the shadchan know that, and the shadchan can decide whether this is important information to convey to the other party. Feedback is so important in a shidduch situation. I know I stress this a lot, but it's wrong to go out with someone and give the impression that it's all good and then discontinue the shidduch through the shadchan.
Date Three:
Third dates don't have to mean anything at all, but when you agree to a third date it normally means that there's something there for you. Perhaps it's all on paper, and you're trying to reconcile the intellectual with the emotional, or it's the opposite, and it's all emotional and not rational at all. There is the option, too, that things are progressing nicely, and you "say yes" to a third date, because you genuinely think the shidduch has potential.
Third dates can be longer and a little less formal. It's a good date to begin to get to know what makes the other person tick. If you didn't do something on the second date, definitely do something on the third date. It can be a date that has multiple parts, starting at one location and continuing somewhere else. For example, you can go somewhere and then go for a walk, share a meal, whatever. Having an active part of the date followed with a more serious one is good dating strategy (for this date, or later, depending on what you're up to).
Also depending on what you're up to, the end of this date may be a good time to have a conversation about where you're holding. (Many people will wait until date four or five, but if you're feeling like it has potential and you're getting the vibe that the other person thinks so too, go for it.) Asking a girl out at the end of this date may be appropriate, but obviously don't put her on the spot if she hems and haws. It probably means she's not that into and she was going to "say no," or she really needs to think things over. The proper response to the "I'm not sure," when you tell/ask her, "I had a nice time, and I would like to see you again. Can I call you to set up another date," or some permutation of that, is "Okay, we'll be in touch through the shadchan." Everyone dates differently, and for some the comfort or ease doesn't kick in until much later, and they will keep the shadchan until a much later time.
Same rules apply about calling the shadchan after this date.
I always find that even if a couple is still using a shadchan after date three (to communicate whether or not they'd like to continue seeing the person), there's at least a certain familiarity there, and it's helpful for them to set up date arrangements themselves. I was once on the phone with a shadchan and things started to get complicated, so she called the boy and had each of us on separate lines conveying what the other was saying to each. It would have been easier to just have conferenced the calls, so we could talk directly.
Relatedly, even if a couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. This has helped me get through a handful of shidduchim. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be helpful.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query end a date. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query end a date. Sort by date Show all posts
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Friday, October 28, 2016
Can A Girl End A Date?
Who made up these rules anyway?
Is it a gender roles thing, the reality that it's his mitzvah to find his missing half, plain and simple old school gallantry, or is it something that's just become the norm? I'm referring to, of course, the fact that the guy runs the date.
He usually picks her up, unless they meet somewhere. He's generally responsible to organize the date (at least the first few). He plans on directing the conversation. He pays. He ends the date. Etc.
What if the girl wants to go home? Is it okay for her to say something?
The one time I ended a date, I didn't hear the end of it. It was a second date, which was quickly turning into a repetition of the first. I felt like I was running the conversation, and I was working hard. I can generally talk to anybody for long periods of time about anything, so when I feel like I'm stretching for discussion, it means we just don't click. After about three hours of that, it was late. I had work early the next morning, and I felt like we were wasting our time. After excusing myself and then returning, which I thought was hint enough that I wanted to leave, I asked him if he was ready to go.
He told the shadchan, "I want to go out again, I had a good time, but I don't think she wants to. She asked me to take her home." The shadchan was upset, my parents were upset, and everyone gave me flack for that one for days.
It's a lot of pressure, doing all this orchestrating and having to pick up subtle cues from a female too. Perhaps it would be easier if we just told our date what we want. I doubt a guy wants to keep a girl out under duress.
Although, with a different fellow on a first date once upon a time, the end of the night found us back in the lobby of the hotel where we had met up. It was another situation where it was late and I had at least an hour's drive home, and I wasn't particularly enjoying his company. I stopped responding as in depth, quit introducing new tangents to the conversation, and I just let the dialogue sort of peter out. After a beat or two of silence, he asked me, "What are you thinking?" I responded, "I'm thinking how it's late and I have to be at work tomorrow morning." No dice. His reply, "Well, I'm not sure what to do here, because I don't have to take you home. I'm enjoying your company, so I don't have to figure out how to end the date." We talked for a few more minutes and then I brought it up again, jokingly asking something along the lines of if he needed help to end the date. He told me that it's a big responsibility that he's not sure he could handle, and he again put it out there that he's not ready to depart from my company. At that point I told him that I would gladly take the responsibility of ending the date, stood up, thanked him for meeting me, and we parted ways.
So there's that.
A completely different guy I dated voiced that he's always surprised when a girl takes initiative/tells him what she wants to do on a date. Did you not just ask me if I wanted to go to that venue you suggested, or was that a pretense and I was just supposed to nod my head and agree?
We live in the 21st century. I'm not suggesting that I need to drive, pay, be in charge. In fact, I appreciate chivalry, for a guy to plan a date, open doors for me, and make sure I'm taken care of. I just don't understand why girls are oft bidden to be seen but not heard.
Is it a gender roles thing, the reality that it's his mitzvah to find his missing half, plain and simple old school gallantry, or is it something that's just become the norm? I'm referring to, of course, the fact that the guy runs the date.
He usually picks her up, unless they meet somewhere. He's generally responsible to organize the date (at least the first few). He plans on directing the conversation. He pays. He ends the date. Etc.
What if the girl wants to go home? Is it okay for her to say something?
The one time I ended a date, I didn't hear the end of it. It was a second date, which was quickly turning into a repetition of the first. I felt like I was running the conversation, and I was working hard. I can generally talk to anybody for long periods of time about anything, so when I feel like I'm stretching for discussion, it means we just don't click. After about three hours of that, it was late. I had work early the next morning, and I felt like we were wasting our time. After excusing myself and then returning, which I thought was hint enough that I wanted to leave, I asked him if he was ready to go.
He told the shadchan, "I want to go out again, I had a good time, but I don't think she wants to. She asked me to take her home." The shadchan was upset, my parents were upset, and everyone gave me flack for that one for days.
It's a lot of pressure, doing all this orchestrating and having to pick up subtle cues from a female too. Perhaps it would be easier if we just told our date what we want. I doubt a guy wants to keep a girl out under duress.
Although, with a different fellow on a first date once upon a time, the end of the night found us back in the lobby of the hotel where we had met up. It was another situation where it was late and I had at least an hour's drive home, and I wasn't particularly enjoying his company. I stopped responding as in depth, quit introducing new tangents to the conversation, and I just let the dialogue sort of peter out. After a beat or two of silence, he asked me, "What are you thinking?" I responded, "I'm thinking how it's late and I have to be at work tomorrow morning." No dice. His reply, "Well, I'm not sure what to do here, because I don't have to take you home. I'm enjoying your company, so I don't have to figure out how to end the date." We talked for a few more minutes and then I brought it up again, jokingly asking something along the lines of if he needed help to end the date. He told me that it's a big responsibility that he's not sure he could handle, and he again put it out there that he's not ready to depart from my company. At that point I told him that I would gladly take the responsibility of ending the date, stood up, thanked him for meeting me, and we parted ways.
So there's that.
A completely different guy I dated voiced that he's always surprised when a girl takes initiative/tells him what she wants to do on a date. Did you not just ask me if I wanted to go to that venue you suggested, or was that a pretense and I was just supposed to nod my head and agree?
We live in the 21st century. I'm not suggesting that I need to drive, pay, be in charge. In fact, I appreciate chivalry, for a guy to plan a date, open doors for me, and make sure I'm taken care of. I just don't understand why girls are oft bidden to be seen but not heard.
Friday, September 23, 2016
What Sets Someone Apart As a "Good Shadchan"
Throughout my dating career, I've dealt with many different types of shadchanim, be them amateurs just getting their feet wet, friends or family members that had a shidduch idea and were acting as a go-between, or career shadchanim that are at any time working multiple matches.
There are a few basic rules that I feel anybody setting a couple up should abide by. First and foremost, you must be reachable! Once you set a shidduch in motion, you cannot drop the ball. I've been in situations where a shadchan didn't get back to me until two weeks after a date. I'd reached out to her multiple times in those two weeks, and she just didn't respond. Granted, in that scenario, I had called her immediately following the date and expressed my horror regarding how the guy had acted. She apparently didn't feel like she needed to follow up after having spoken to him, because there would be no second date. However, I needed the closure -- just a short phone call, text, or email letting me know what happened (and as I eventually found out, there was a "his side to the story," but it was too little too late).
In a similar situation, a friend's husband had set me up with a friend of his while I was in their city for the day. We had a fairly good meeting. It was supposed to be an hour --tops-- coffee date, and we ended up stretching it to a little over two. We had gone into the date saying that we would meet, and if we both thought it had potential, we would exchange resumes/profiles and take it from there. Following the date, we both said we had enjoyed each others' company and we were interested in proceeding. To me this meant that we would continue dating and we could "do research" about the other person while we did this. I waited for about a week before my friend's husband got back to me (I had to chase him down). He said, "Someone else in his city came up in the mean time, so I guess that means he doesn't want to pursue this right now." You really made me wait a week to tell me he's not interested? To this day I'm not sure if my friend's husband made up that response to try to "soften the blow" that he didn't want to date me, or what. Just be upfront, be honest, and please be timely! I could have been pursuing something/someone else that whole week.
The best case scenario is when the shadchan touches base with the girl within a few hours following the date, or the next morning. It's protocol for the shadchan to talk to the guy first. If he doesn't get in touch, then as the shadchan, reach out to him and find out what he thought and if he wants to go out again. Then, call the girl.
Especially if the couple hasn't exchanged phone numbers, it's important for the shadchan to be accessible in the scenario the guy or girl is going to be late, gets lost, or can't seem to find the location where they're meeting.
A good shadchan is on top of times, locations, and other logistical details. I've been in situations where, for whatever reason, the shadchan told one of us the wrong time, and either the guy came to pick me up fifteen minutes early (poor parents, they had to entertain him, because I was not ready), or he was waiting for me in a hotel lobby for a half hour, because the shadchan never updated me on a time change.
It is possible for a go-between to "ruin" a shidduch. I can't remember exactly what went down in this particular case, but I do know that there was a situation in which there was a misunderstanding regarding who was traveling for the date. In the end, I think I just gave in and went to him (even though I think I had traveled for the last two dates as well), but not without some resentment. The whole situation could have been avoided had there been better communication and the shadchan not assumed anything, nor told either one of us what the other had "said," as neither of us had said any such thing. This wasn't the reason we ultimately broke up, but it sure colored it for both of us.
Another aspect of open communication is, despite how uncomfortable it may be, to extend the courtesy of letting someone know if your suggestion declined interest in going out altogether. Meaning, if you mention an idea to someone, letting him know that you're redting the suggestion, and consequently the other party says s/he isn't interested, it's a nice practice to let the other person know this so he isn't wondering what's going on.
On a different note, I understand why a shadchan would "push" a shidduch, because admittedly, sometimes singles have stupid hangups and they need to be encouraged. Encouraged, not coerced! A good shadchan will help a single explore what's holding her back or turning her off. Sometimes one (more) date isn't a bad idea, but sometimes it is! There's enough internal pressure and desperation as it is, so please don't try to force anything.
Feedback is also crucial in a shidduch. There's one shadchan that I've worked with multiple times, and he always asks for feedback following a date. Sometimes it's annoying, because I don't always have feedback to share after a first or second date, or I don't really want to outline why I don't think the guy is for me, but it's helpful in other situations, especially when he shares the feedback from the guy.
As an aside, that's one of the positives in shidduch dating. Despite it making the relationship a little more superficial, there's a way to know what the other person is thinking/feeling about the relationship before you feel familiar enough to have that conversation with the person himself. It can be helpful in multiple ways.
Being a shadchan is sometimes a thankless job, especially when you spend a lot of time trying to convince people to go out and they don't want to/never "say yes" to your ideas. Sometimes you don't know what's right and how to proceed. I obviously don't have answers for that, but I do think that some of the things mentioned in this post can help pave the way for those shidduchim that do make it to first base, er, I mean first date.
There are a few basic rules that I feel anybody setting a couple up should abide by. First and foremost, you must be reachable! Once you set a shidduch in motion, you cannot drop the ball. I've been in situations where a shadchan didn't get back to me until two weeks after a date. I'd reached out to her multiple times in those two weeks, and she just didn't respond. Granted, in that scenario, I had called her immediately following the date and expressed my horror regarding how the guy had acted. She apparently didn't feel like she needed to follow up after having spoken to him, because there would be no second date. However, I needed the closure -- just a short phone call, text, or email letting me know what happened (and as I eventually found out, there was a "his side to the story," but it was too little too late).
In a similar situation, a friend's husband had set me up with a friend of his while I was in their city for the day. We had a fairly good meeting. It was supposed to be an hour --tops-- coffee date, and we ended up stretching it to a little over two. We had gone into the date saying that we would meet, and if we both thought it had potential, we would exchange resumes/profiles and take it from there. Following the date, we both said we had enjoyed each others' company and we were interested in proceeding. To me this meant that we would continue dating and we could "do research" about the other person while we did this. I waited for about a week before my friend's husband got back to me (I had to chase him down). He said, "Someone else in his city came up in the mean time, so I guess that means he doesn't want to pursue this right now." You really made me wait a week to tell me he's not interested? To this day I'm not sure if my friend's husband made up that response to try to "soften the blow" that he didn't want to date me, or what. Just be upfront, be honest, and please be timely! I could have been pursuing something/someone else that whole week.
The best case scenario is when the shadchan touches base with the girl within a few hours following the date, or the next morning. It's protocol for the shadchan to talk to the guy first. If he doesn't get in touch, then as the shadchan, reach out to him and find out what he thought and if he wants to go out again. Then, call the girl.
Especially if the couple hasn't exchanged phone numbers, it's important for the shadchan to be accessible in the scenario the guy or girl is going to be late, gets lost, or can't seem to find the location where they're meeting.
A good shadchan is on top of times, locations, and other logistical details. I've been in situations where, for whatever reason, the shadchan told one of us the wrong time, and either the guy came to pick me up fifteen minutes early (poor parents, they had to entertain him, because I was not ready), or he was waiting for me in a hotel lobby for a half hour, because the shadchan never updated me on a time change.
It is possible for a go-between to "ruin" a shidduch. I can't remember exactly what went down in this particular case, but I do know that there was a situation in which there was a misunderstanding regarding who was traveling for the date. In the end, I think I just gave in and went to him (even though I think I had traveled for the last two dates as well), but not without some resentment. The whole situation could have been avoided had there been better communication and the shadchan not assumed anything, nor told either one of us what the other had "said," as neither of us had said any such thing. This wasn't the reason we ultimately broke up, but it sure colored it for both of us.
Another aspect of open communication is, despite how uncomfortable it may be, to extend the courtesy of letting someone know if your suggestion declined interest in going out altogether. Meaning, if you mention an idea to someone, letting him know that you're redting the suggestion, and consequently the other party says s/he isn't interested, it's a nice practice to let the other person know this so he isn't wondering what's going on.
On a different note, I understand why a shadchan would "push" a shidduch, because admittedly, sometimes singles have stupid hangups and they need to be encouraged. Encouraged, not coerced! A good shadchan will help a single explore what's holding her back or turning her off. Sometimes one (more) date isn't a bad idea, but sometimes it is! There's enough internal pressure and desperation as it is, so please don't try to force anything.
Feedback is also crucial in a shidduch. There's one shadchan that I've worked with multiple times, and he always asks for feedback following a date. Sometimes it's annoying, because I don't always have feedback to share after a first or second date, or I don't really want to outline why I don't think the guy is for me, but it's helpful in other situations, especially when he shares the feedback from the guy.
As an aside, that's one of the positives in shidduch dating. Despite it making the relationship a little more superficial, there's a way to know what the other person is thinking/feeling about the relationship before you feel familiar enough to have that conversation with the person himself. It can be helpful in multiple ways.
Being a shadchan is sometimes a thankless job, especially when you spend a lot of time trying to convince people to go out and they don't want to/never "say yes" to your ideas. Sometimes you don't know what's right and how to proceed. I obviously don't have answers for that, but I do think that some of the things mentioned in this post can help pave the way for those shidduchim that do make it to first base, er, I mean first date.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
How to Effectively Use a Shadchan
For every different stage and slight different cultural disparities, there are various roles that shadchanim play within a shidduch. For the "yeshivish" 19 and 23 year olds who are going out for the first time, the shadchan will likely hold their hands through the whole process, from setting up dates, perhaps suggesting a venue, to moving the shidduch along, and even facilitating the engagement. For the 29 year olds who know the drill and have been through the process many times, perhaps the shadchan just introduced them and helped them to exchange phone numbers. They set up the dates themselves, and they may even let one another know when they don't think it's a shidduch without the intervening of a go-between.
It really all comes down to communication. When we're dating, we're trying to create a relationship with the other person. Sometimes shadchanim can get in the way of this when people use them as buffers or hide behind them. Having a shadchan can be useful in the beginning of a shidduch dating scenario, as it's less hurtful to end things through a third party when there isn't a relationship established yet. Shadchanim can also be helpful in terms of feedback when a couple is not at a stage where they are discussing this between themselves. For example, after a pareve first date (on my end), if I hear that the guy thought it was very positive, I'll usually give it another shot. Or, perhaps something someone does comes across some (negative) way, a shadchan may be able to explain it and help reconcile the situation.
I'm not a fan of using a shadchan past a third or fourth date, because I think it gets in the way of the couple establishing a real relationship. There needs to be accountability and communication. It's helpful for the shadchan to be involved, sure, but not that the guy and girl are going back to the shadchan after each date and saying whether they'd like to go out again and having the shadchan set up the date. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, but I would really like for a guy I'm dating past a third/fourth date to ask me out, even just to end the date by saying, "I had a nice time; can I call you to set up another date?" (If a girl can't give you a straight answer on that one, as the guy you just say, "Okay, no worries. We'll be in touch through the shadchan.")
Even when the couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be beneficial. Many shadchanim are in the practice of doing "dating coaching," and some of them are pretty good at it actually. Sometimes you're not hesitating about the person you're dating, but something the person or scenario is triggering. A good dating coach can help you realize and overcome this.
It really all comes down to communication. When we're dating, we're trying to create a relationship with the other person. Sometimes shadchanim can get in the way of this when people use them as buffers or hide behind them. Having a shadchan can be useful in the beginning of a shidduch dating scenario, as it's less hurtful to end things through a third party when there isn't a relationship established yet. Shadchanim can also be helpful in terms of feedback when a couple is not at a stage where they are discussing this between themselves. For example, after a pareve first date (on my end), if I hear that the guy thought it was very positive, I'll usually give it another shot. Or, perhaps something someone does comes across some (negative) way, a shadchan may be able to explain it and help reconcile the situation.
I'm not a fan of using a shadchan past a third or fourth date, because I think it gets in the way of the couple establishing a real relationship. There needs to be accountability and communication. It's helpful for the shadchan to be involved, sure, but not that the guy and girl are going back to the shadchan after each date and saying whether they'd like to go out again and having the shadchan set up the date. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, but I would really like for a guy I'm dating past a third/fourth date to ask me out, even just to end the date by saying, "I had a nice time; can I call you to set up another date?" (If a girl can't give you a straight answer on that one, as the guy you just say, "Okay, no worries. We'll be in touch through the shadchan.")
Even when the couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be beneficial. Many shadchanim are in the practice of doing "dating coaching," and some of them are pretty good at it actually. Sometimes you're not hesitating about the person you're dating, but something the person or scenario is triggering. A good dating coach can help you realize and overcome this.
A shadchan is not just about "Do you want to see him/her again," and "Okay, when are you available," but also to help you get through the bumps along the way. They can (more) objectively hear about what you appreciate about the other person and what your concerns are. They can help you navigate how you're feeling and what makes sense for you. This all being said, they can assist you to do this without being involved every step of the way. At the end of the day, the relationship is just you and the other person.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
How Long Should A First Date Be?
Again with the rules and regulations of dating...I feel like this one should be intuitive, but I'm going to spell it out here, because so often it goes so wrong. I'm sure many out there may not agree with this, but I guess because it's my blog, this is about my preferences. Everyone is welcome to have their own opinions and methods.
While it could be organic, letting the date naturally come to an end when the two of you have effectively checked off all your first date duties, ie. making small talk and getting a general sense of the person, for some reason, perhaps simply because you generally do not know this person you're on a first date with and can't read their subtle cues, this doesn't always work out very well. We're then left with a question of how long should this first date ideally be?
There are a few things to consider in this equation. It's considered rude for a young man to take a girl home too soon even if the date is going disastrously (perhaps because that means he's writing her off or disregarding the effort it took to get to this point in the dating process, who knows), and on her end, it's a yeihareg v'al ya'avor for her to end a date. Also, while the fellow may be enjoying himself and his date's company, perhaps she's not enjoying herself at all. He may not know that because he may not be able to tell if she's having a good time, because he's just met her. Additionally, first dates can only go so long, even if the couple hits it off, because it's generally all small talk. There's only so much small talk you can do at a time. Did I mention I hate small talk?
Save for those unlikely exceptions, I think first dates should have a 2-3 hour cap. And, honestly, if the date is a non-starter, just check in with each other and see if you guys want to continue to pull teeth, or you can graciously give up after an hour or so (long enough to know you gave it a fair shot) and not waste more of each others' time.
While it could be organic, letting the date naturally come to an end when the two of you have effectively checked off all your first date duties, ie. making small talk and getting a general sense of the person, for some reason, perhaps simply because you generally do not know this person you're on a first date with and can't read their subtle cues, this doesn't always work out very well. We're then left with a question of how long should this first date ideally be?
There are a few things to consider in this equation. It's considered rude for a young man to take a girl home too soon even if the date is going disastrously (perhaps because that means he's writing her off or disregarding the effort it took to get to this point in the dating process, who knows), and on her end, it's a yeihareg v'al ya'avor for her to end a date. Also, while the fellow may be enjoying himself and his date's company, perhaps she's not enjoying herself at all. He may not know that because he may not be able to tell if she's having a good time, because he's just met her. Additionally, first dates can only go so long, even if the couple hits it off, because it's generally all small talk. There's only so much small talk you can do at a time. Did I mention I hate small talk?
Save for those unlikely exceptions, I think first dates should have a 2-3 hour cap. And, honestly, if the date is a non-starter, just check in with each other and see if you guys want to continue to pull teeth, or you can graciously give up after an hour or so (long enough to know you gave it a fair shot) and not waste more of each others' time.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Where to Go on a Date
Most of the time it isn't so much about the venue as it is the company of the person you're with. Some of my best dates have been long car rides (driving a couple of hours between cities), a walk along the High Line at sunset, just chilling at a rooftop lounge in the city, or a stroll along an empty boardwalk.
When you've been dating for awhile, first dates can have a Groundhog Day effect, so it's important to spice those up a little; don't always take your date to a hotel lounge. I think some people got a little mixed up, and they don't realize that hotel lobbies are no-nos. It's distasteful to take someone to a Best Western or Hampton Inn type place where there is no bar/lounge and the only place to sit are the two armchairs tucked in some corner somewhere.
I'm pretty sure that the guy was looking for a specific reputable airport hotel, but when he kept making wrong turns and his TomTom got frustrated at his inability to follow directions, he pulled up to an airport motel. We legitimately sat in the only two seats in the 12x12 lobby. I think he wanted to offer me a drink, but probably the only option was the water fountain.
Hotels are okay as long as they have a bar/lounge, and it's a space where people are meant to hang out. Lounges work especially well when you want to talk, so they can be the serious half of a date where the other half you're doing something active. Waterfront venues or other scenic views get extra points in my personal opinion.
Starbucks and Barnes and Noble work just fine too, but be creative and check out other funky coffee shops and book stores. Think about what you want to do in a book store; are you just looking for a different atmosphere to have a conversation? Many such places are silent, so you'd be better off finding somewhere else where you can make some noise if you plan on hashing out whether Trump really can win the election and/or run the country.
I've heard lots of mixed reviews about going to a supermarket on a date. Some are of the camp that it can be cute to peruse the aisles of an upscale supermarket like Fresh Market, Whole Foods, or Wegmans and sit down with a snack. You can also always bring along a game to liven up any locale.
Food is always a good bet, although some girls are weird about eating on the first couple of dates. Keep in mind that you probably don't want to take your date to a hole-in-the wall pizza shop. If you plan on going to eat after you've gone somewhere else, don't know exactly what area you'll end up in or what time, so you can't make reservations, again, no sweat, just be creative. Text a friend for an idea (one you know knows the area or can look it up for you) and then call to see when they'll have a table available, making your way there only when it will be ready. Or, you can ask a friend to make your reservation for you.
Parks and malls are good places to walk around, and if you're looking for an activity, it's pretty known that arcades is usually the go-to. And, activities exist outside of Dave & Buster's. Try skeet shooting, archery, and find out if it's okay to go to a gun range (some say handling a gun is klei gever for a girl). Pottery throwing, pottery and glass painting, glass blowing or glass fusion, paint nites, and candle-making are all activities you can do too. I personally dislike mini golf and driving ranges, but they can make an enjoyable experience for some. Shooting pool, ping pong, batting cages, and if you're okay with bowling, there are those. Board game cafes can make fun dates, and Escape Rooms recently became all the rage. Strayboots or other like scavenger hunts can also work if you want something to do. Museums and other location specific places can provide you with fresh scenery.
That's really just a sampling of ideas, but keep in mind, there is always something you can do. Don't take your date to the same (type of) place over and over again. Besides, don't you want to see him/her in different settings?
When you've been dating for awhile, first dates can have a Groundhog Day effect, so it's important to spice those up a little; don't always take your date to a hotel lounge. I think some people got a little mixed up, and they don't realize that hotel lobbies are no-nos. It's distasteful to take someone to a Best Western or Hampton Inn type place where there is no bar/lounge and the only place to sit are the two armchairs tucked in some corner somewhere.
I'm pretty sure that the guy was looking for a specific reputable airport hotel, but when he kept making wrong turns and his TomTom got frustrated at his inability to follow directions, he pulled up to an airport motel. We legitimately sat in the only two seats in the 12x12 lobby. I think he wanted to offer me a drink, but probably the only option was the water fountain.
Hotels are okay as long as they have a bar/lounge, and it's a space where people are meant to hang out. Lounges work especially well when you want to talk, so they can be the serious half of a date where the other half you're doing something active. Waterfront venues or other scenic views get extra points in my personal opinion.
Starbucks and Barnes and Noble work just fine too, but be creative and check out other funky coffee shops and book stores. Think about what you want to do in a book store; are you just looking for a different atmosphere to have a conversation? Many such places are silent, so you'd be better off finding somewhere else where you can make some noise if you plan on hashing out whether Trump really can win the election and/or run the country.
I've heard lots of mixed reviews about going to a supermarket on a date. Some are of the camp that it can be cute to peruse the aisles of an upscale supermarket like Fresh Market, Whole Foods, or Wegmans and sit down with a snack. You can also always bring along a game to liven up any locale.
Food is always a good bet, although some girls are weird about eating on the first couple of dates. Keep in mind that you probably don't want to take your date to a hole-in-the wall pizza shop. If you plan on going to eat after you've gone somewhere else, don't know exactly what area you'll end up in or what time, so you can't make reservations, again, no sweat, just be creative. Text a friend for an idea (one you know knows the area or can look it up for you) and then call to see when they'll have a table available, making your way there only when it will be ready. Or, you can ask a friend to make your reservation for you.
Parks and malls are good places to walk around, and if you're looking for an activity, it's pretty known that arcades is usually the go-to. And, activities exist outside of Dave & Buster's. Try skeet shooting, archery, and find out if it's okay to go to a gun range (some say handling a gun is klei gever for a girl). Pottery throwing, pottery and glass painting, glass blowing or glass fusion, paint nites, and candle-making are all activities you can do too. I personally dislike mini golf and driving ranges, but they can make an enjoyable experience for some. Shooting pool, ping pong, batting cages, and if you're okay with bowling, there are those. Board game cafes can make fun dates, and Escape Rooms recently became all the rage. Strayboots or other like scavenger hunts can also work if you want something to do. Museums and other location specific places can provide you with fresh scenery.
That's really just a sampling of ideas, but keep in mind, there is always something you can do. Don't take your date to the same (type of) place over and over again. Besides, don't you want to see him/her in different settings?
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Pink Flags: Everything Means Something
On our first date we had both grabbed bottled beverages. Like a gentleman on a first date, he paid for my drink as well as his own. Then, he snagged a straw for himself but failed to get one for me. Okay, no big deal, I'm capable of getting my own plastic-ware. Although, I would have gotten a straw for him had I been the one to get up first. On a later date, something spilled, when I mentioned it, he made some offhanded comment about "just having to deal with these things." Huh? I kind of meant, can you pass me some napkins that happened to be by your elbow?
Neither of these two instances are great cause for alarm, but they do mean something about him. Either he's sort of out to lunch, unaware of things and people around him, or he just doesn't see the need or value in taking care of someone or being chivalrous/considerate. He seemed to be a mentsch in so many other ways, that this left me scratching my head. I'm not saying that this a deal-breaker per se, but it speaks to who he is.
It's so important to pay attention to all the little things that happen on dates. A date, especially a beginning one, is the place where you are meant to put your best foot forward. If something happens on a date, it's likely to be a behavior, in an exacerbated kind of way, that will rear its head within a future relationship with said person. We're human, and we're not perfect, so these things don't mean "break up" with this person, but it does mean that these little cues are painting a picture of what type of behaviors or attitudes are his norm.
Dating, for me, has been a process of learning to trust my gut and instincts. If something feels off, feels wrong, it's not a smart idea to brush it off. Don't make excuses for people or rationalize hurtful things they say or do. If you have a feeling about something, pay attention to it.
Once, on a date, we were discussing winning the Powerball. He was saying that you can't win if you don't play, and I said that I don't have luck with lotteries, so my only chance of winning any money is if I marry him and he wins. I wasn't proposing to him, and I didn't mean anything by it, but he sort of freaked out and rejoined with, "If I win the Powerball, I'm not marrying you!"
I played it off; I even made excuses for him when I told the story over and got flak for not breaking up with him over that comment. In the end, it was a reflection of his true colors. We were dating for awhile and he said he was invested and saw a future together, but whenever I mentioned the words "marry" or "get engaged," he would change the subject. I should have realized then that he would break up with me out of nowhere the weekend before we were supposed to put a ring on things.
Likely, some flags aren't so pink, they're more vibrant, red flags, if you will, but we're blinded for whatever reason. Perhaps his personality is engaging, even though his middos leave much to be desired. Maybe it's his looks that are drawing you in, his reputation, or even it's an internal degree of desperation that is causing you to make bad judgements, because you really want to get married and share your life with someone.
I've had my fair share of neon signs crop up on dates telling me to stay away. Sometimes I've listened, and sometimes I've learned the hard way, working through a host of issues with the person before calling it quits when reaching a final impasse. Whether it was the guy who used hugely questionable, offensive even, language on a first date, or the fact that he creepily "warned" me within the first few minutes of meeting me that he once before dated someone he thought was similar to me in a specific aspect and had had a "mad crush" on her. Another glaring sign would be from the guy who, when I reached to adjust the temperature in his car, pushed my hand away. That wasn't even so much of a question of shomer negiya, but I wouldn't do that to a same-gender friend I had just met! Perhaps the one that takes the cake is the guy who when I questioned something I thought was stalker-ish that he'd said/did, he manipulated the conversation to make me seem like the crazy one, along with making fun of every opinion I had, and then proceeded to ask me out.
Talking to someone objective about your dating relationship and your interactions with someone is extremely prudent. It's not enough to share an overall sense of a relationship either; don't be afraid to get into all the nitty gritty, especially if there are things that are concerning you. Friends and family members can't always be objective, so seek out someone you respect who doesn't have otherwise vested interest in your life, a dating mentor of sorts. Remember though, only you can make the final decision, and only you will have to live with the consequences.
Neither of these two instances are great cause for alarm, but they do mean something about him. Either he's sort of out to lunch, unaware of things and people around him, or he just doesn't see the need or value in taking care of someone or being chivalrous/considerate. He seemed to be a mentsch in so many other ways, that this left me scratching my head. I'm not saying that this a deal-breaker per se, but it speaks to who he is.
It's so important to pay attention to all the little things that happen on dates. A date, especially a beginning one, is the place where you are meant to put your best foot forward. If something happens on a date, it's likely to be a behavior, in an exacerbated kind of way, that will rear its head within a future relationship with said person. We're human, and we're not perfect, so these things don't mean "break up" with this person, but it does mean that these little cues are painting a picture of what type of behaviors or attitudes are his norm.
Dating, for me, has been a process of learning to trust my gut and instincts. If something feels off, feels wrong, it's not a smart idea to brush it off. Don't make excuses for people or rationalize hurtful things they say or do. If you have a feeling about something, pay attention to it.
Once, on a date, we were discussing winning the Powerball. He was saying that you can't win if you don't play, and I said that I don't have luck with lotteries, so my only chance of winning any money is if I marry him and he wins. I wasn't proposing to him, and I didn't mean anything by it, but he sort of freaked out and rejoined with, "If I win the Powerball, I'm not marrying you!"
I played it off; I even made excuses for him when I told the story over and got flak for not breaking up with him over that comment. In the end, it was a reflection of his true colors. We were dating for awhile and he said he was invested and saw a future together, but whenever I mentioned the words "marry" or "get engaged," he would change the subject. I should have realized then that he would break up with me out of nowhere the weekend before we were supposed to put a ring on things.
Likely, some flags aren't so pink, they're more vibrant, red flags, if you will, but we're blinded for whatever reason. Perhaps his personality is engaging, even though his middos leave much to be desired. Maybe it's his looks that are drawing you in, his reputation, or even it's an internal degree of desperation that is causing you to make bad judgements, because you really want to get married and share your life with someone.
I've had my fair share of neon signs crop up on dates telling me to stay away. Sometimes I've listened, and sometimes I've learned the hard way, working through a host of issues with the person before calling it quits when reaching a final impasse. Whether it was the guy who used hugely questionable, offensive even, language on a first date, or the fact that he creepily "warned" me within the first few minutes of meeting me that he once before dated someone he thought was similar to me in a specific aspect and had had a "mad crush" on her. Another glaring sign would be from the guy who, when I reached to adjust the temperature in his car, pushed my hand away. That wasn't even so much of a question of shomer negiya, but I wouldn't do that to a same-gender friend I had just met! Perhaps the one that takes the cake is the guy who when I questioned something I thought was stalker-ish that he'd said/did, he manipulated the conversation to make me seem like the crazy one, along with making fun of every opinion I had, and then proceeded to ask me out.
Talking to someone objective about your dating relationship and your interactions with someone is extremely prudent. It's not enough to share an overall sense of a relationship either; don't be afraid to get into all the nitty gritty, especially if there are things that are concerning you. Friends and family members can't always be objective, so seek out someone you respect who doesn't have otherwise vested interest in your life, a dating mentor of sorts. Remember though, only you can make the final decision, and only you will have to live with the consequences.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Breakup Etiquette
While some people need alcohol to be themselves on a date, my friends joke that I probably need all my inhibitions to behave. If someone buys me an alcoholic beverage, he might get more than he bargained for. It will actually probably be fun, but once upon a time when a date got me a Jack and Coke, it emboldened me to break up with the fellow. I can't remember the details, but I'm sure it was probably in motion already at the time. Without the Jack I likely would have just discontinued the shidduch through the shadchan. (It was a beginning date. The discussion regarding communication and at what point you should break up in person rather than through a shadchan will follow.)
There are many different things to take into the equation regarding how to break-up. Personally, I feel like one of the worse things you can do is blindside someone. It's insensitive to take a girl on a long date, have a really nice time together, say nothing to her when dropping her off (or even tell her "I had a nice time") and then tell the shadchan you do not want to see her again.
Communication is super important to me. I will often have a conversation with a guy (after reaching a certain point in a shidduch) about how it's difficult to put ourselves out there and try to build a relationship when we know that either one of us can go back to the shadchan and end it any time. I find it's more helpful when trying to build a personal connection with someone to suggest that after this point there will a discussion about why it won't work if either of us decide to end it.
I know that not everyone dates like I do, and for some it's more comfortable to break-up through the shadchan. It can be more hurtful to hear it straight from someone rather than through a third party. However, because of this previously mentioned blindsiding problem, this is not always a good solution.
Generally the rule is that if you are communicating directly and have dropped the shadchan, you cannot go back to the shadchan and ask him/her to do your dirty work. It's also disrespectful to the person that you're dating. Even if you have not yet dropped the shadchan, perhaps it is still the right thing to let the other person know that you don't think things are going to work. It's a case by case thing, and you need to use your intuition.
Break-up speeches can also make or break the relationship. Be nice, be polite, and you don't have talk about every single thing you think went wrong. The shidduch might be over, but you don't have to ruin what you did have or walk away with a bad taste in your mouth. Sometimes it is helpful to discuss what doesn't work, because it will be beneficial to know why you won't want to revisit the idea in the future. Comprehensive break-up talks are also constructive in terms of closure. I'm all about closure, but I'll tackle that another time perhaps.
People often get paralyzed and don't know what to say when they're breaking-up with someone. One dude told me, "In all my dating I haven't met anyone who had the whole package like you, yada yada yada (a little elaboration here). I just don't think it'll work marriage-wise." After I told him I understood and no sweat, he started his speech all over again. I know he felt bad or perhaps stupid for walking away, but, really, why is it my job to placate you when you're breaking-up with me?!
Often people will go with the "It's not you, it's me," line, but that really means nothing. If you don't know what to say, try something sincere. I generally attempt to find something really great about the person and compliment him about it as a means to take the sting out of the breakup. Here's a depiction of how something like that would go: In our example, the guy I'm breaking up with is someone who's extremely refined and very sensitive. Maybe I appreciate this, maybe I don't, but either way, "You're really an amazing person, and I know the right girl will genuinely appreciate your refinement and sensitivity." In that sense I don't have to say that it's something I don't necessarily value, I compliment him on something I know he holds as something that's fundamental to who he is, and I give him hope for the future. Win win.
You obviously need to tweak the wording and the formula a bit to fit your situation, because breakup lines should not sound contrived. Canned lines are more of an insult than anything else. If you can't even speak from the heart to break-up with me, then was our relationship worth anything?
There are many different things to take into the equation regarding how to break-up. Personally, I feel like one of the worse things you can do is blindside someone. It's insensitive to take a girl on a long date, have a really nice time together, say nothing to her when dropping her off (or even tell her "I had a nice time") and then tell the shadchan you do not want to see her again.
Communication is super important to me. I will often have a conversation with a guy (after reaching a certain point in a shidduch) about how it's difficult to put ourselves out there and try to build a relationship when we know that either one of us can go back to the shadchan and end it any time. I find it's more helpful when trying to build a personal connection with someone to suggest that after this point there will a discussion about why it won't work if either of us decide to end it.
I know that not everyone dates like I do, and for some it's more comfortable to break-up through the shadchan. It can be more hurtful to hear it straight from someone rather than through a third party. However, because of this previously mentioned blindsiding problem, this is not always a good solution.
Generally the rule is that if you are communicating directly and have dropped the shadchan, you cannot go back to the shadchan and ask him/her to do your dirty work. It's also disrespectful to the person that you're dating. Even if you have not yet dropped the shadchan, perhaps it is still the right thing to let the other person know that you don't think things are going to work. It's a case by case thing, and you need to use your intuition.
Break-up speeches can also make or break the relationship. Be nice, be polite, and you don't have talk about every single thing you think went wrong. The shidduch might be over, but you don't have to ruin what you did have or walk away with a bad taste in your mouth. Sometimes it is helpful to discuss what doesn't work, because it will be beneficial to know why you won't want to revisit the idea in the future. Comprehensive break-up talks are also constructive in terms of closure. I'm all about closure, but I'll tackle that another time perhaps.
People often get paralyzed and don't know what to say when they're breaking-up with someone. One dude told me, "In all my dating I haven't met anyone who had the whole package like you, yada yada yada (a little elaboration here). I just don't think it'll work marriage-wise." After I told him I understood and no sweat, he started his speech all over again. I know he felt bad or perhaps stupid for walking away, but, really, why is it my job to placate you when you're breaking-up with me?!
Often people will go with the "It's not you, it's me," line, but that really means nothing. If you don't know what to say, try something sincere. I generally attempt to find something really great about the person and compliment him about it as a means to take the sting out of the breakup. Here's a depiction of how something like that would go: In our example, the guy I'm breaking up with is someone who's extremely refined and very sensitive. Maybe I appreciate this, maybe I don't, but either way, "You're really an amazing person, and I know the right girl will genuinely appreciate your refinement and sensitivity." In that sense I don't have to say that it's something I don't necessarily value, I compliment him on something I know he holds as something that's fundamental to who he is, and I give him hope for the future. Win win.
You obviously need to tweak the wording and the formula a bit to fit your situation, because breakup lines should not sound contrived. Canned lines are more of an insult than anything else. If you can't even speak from the heart to break-up with me, then was our relationship worth anything?
Thursday, November 16, 2017
To Date. Not to Date. Questions.
Is going out with someone who is so off the mark worse than not going out at all? (Obviously if you know from the outset that it's a no-go, I beg you to respect yourself more than that. Don't just go out because you want to feel like someone wants to date you. I'm talking about in retrospect, does dating that person that is not even ballpark make you feel worse than not dating at all?)
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
I'd like to say yes, but I do think that it really depends on what is going on in your life at the time. If you haven't been on a date in a long time maybe it was worth it for you to just go out. Maybe you needed to get back in the game, get your feet wet, not forget how to swim. Maybe it made you feel desirable. Maybe s/he wasn't for you, but s/he was nice and normal. Maybe it made you realize that there are still people out there to marry. Maybe it reminded you that it will only take one, and just as this person came up, so will your soulmate. End of positives there, I think.
As I see it, the other side is like this. It can make you question whether there are any people suited for you, if you will ever get married. It can make you question your self-worth, make you question what you feel like you need/want in a spouse. Especially if it's following a serious relationship, the (subconscious) comparison can be killer.
Someone recently mentioned that she thinks that you really only get over a serious relationship once you date someone else you connect with on a similar level. Every frog you meet before that happens exacerbates the hurt from the previous breakup. I'm thinking that I agree with this. I've felt it too many times.
However, it's also about the narrative that we tell ourselves. Are you consciously comparing the new person to your ex? How helpful is this? To an extent you can't help it, especially if those things are really important to you or basic in a relationship. It doesn't help either if you're getting ready, or driving to a date, and listening to every song that reminds you of your ex. Are you really giving the new person a fair shot?
I'm not talking rebound here; I guess it could be the exact opposite, writing someone off too quickly because s/he doesn't measure up to standards you got comfortable with in your last relationship. How much time do you need before starting to go out again? Will dating again help you get over your ex? Will dating someone very different than your ex be helpful or harmful?
You sort of have to date to get married. They won't all be prince/sses.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Mixed Messages
Recently my friend sent me a meme she came across on Instagram: "He's the king of mixed signals and she's the queen of getting her hopes up."
How often does it happen that people, guy or girl, transmit mixed messages that leave the other party scratching his/her head? It's sort of par for the course with shidduch dating. People often don't communicate, and there is no real sense of accountability when either one can go back to the shadchan at any time and decide not to continue pursuing the shidduch.
My friend dated a guy who took her out for five hours on their first date, they hit it off apparently, and he showed her that he was into her during the consecutive three dates in which he played her his favorite love songs, gave her flowers, and just in general strung her along. After their fourth date, with no hint whatsoever to the girl herself, he told the shadchan that he didn't want to see her again.
Honestly, if he had the clarity that she wasn't for him, that's great, but if he wasn't sure about her, he needed to tone it down. You might argue that maybe he really did like her and then something came up, but there is a mentchlach way to navigate this. You're dealing with a person who has feelings, not a name on a paper!
Once upon a time, in a situation probably written about multiple time in these pages, I was dating a young man whom I ended up going out with for quite some time. However, in the beginning I was really confused about how I felt and thought about him. On one hand, he was a really good guy and I was sort of intrigued by him, but on the other, there were things that bothered me, I didn't really like him (at that point), and wasn't really sure I wanted to continue. Confident and forward as he was, I remember him asking me towards the end of our third date, "What's up? How are you feeling about this? Do you want to go out again?" He followed that up by saying that he felt like he was getting mixed messages from me, so he had to ask what was going on in my head.
Although I felt put on the spot, I appreciated his open communication. That conversation actually fueled our relationship, the fact that we had this really candid and honest dialogue. I recall answering his question with something to the tune of, "You're right, you're getting mixed messages, because I'm having mixed feelings." Because he asked, I was able to explain that I wanted to follow down the potential that I saw, but I was withholding, because I wasn't really sure where or if things could go and didn't want to lead him on. He reassured me that he's a big boy and could take whatever comes, and he just asked that we talk about what was going on. And so, off we set into the sunset...until our sun set. (Little does he know that this is sort of the model that I now like to base my dating communication on.)
It really all comes down to the communication thing. If you're at the point that you're on a date, ie. meeting a potential marriage partner, you're two adults trying to establish a relationship. You can hide behind whatever guise you'd like, be it using the shadchan as your buffer and/or to do your dirty work, (phony) flattery and flirtation that keeps things from getting real, or simply just not being genuine with the person you're seeing. Yet, this only goes so far until it blows up in your face, or more likely, the face of the person you're dating. Again, you're dealing with a person, not a name on a paper. Yes, people get hurt in situations like these, but you have the power to make the hurt less. Therein lies the difference between hurting and wronging someone. There's a way to do this properly.
How often does it happen that people, guy or girl, transmit mixed messages that leave the other party scratching his/her head? It's sort of par for the course with shidduch dating. People often don't communicate, and there is no real sense of accountability when either one can go back to the shadchan at any time and decide not to continue pursuing the shidduch.
My friend dated a guy who took her out for five hours on their first date, they hit it off apparently, and he showed her that he was into her during the consecutive three dates in which he played her his favorite love songs, gave her flowers, and just in general strung her along. After their fourth date, with no hint whatsoever to the girl herself, he told the shadchan that he didn't want to see her again.
Honestly, if he had the clarity that she wasn't for him, that's great, but if he wasn't sure about her, he needed to tone it down. You might argue that maybe he really did like her and then something came up, but there is a mentchlach way to navigate this. You're dealing with a person who has feelings, not a name on a paper!
Once upon a time, in a situation probably written about multiple time in these pages, I was dating a young man whom I ended up going out with for quite some time. However, in the beginning I was really confused about how I felt and thought about him. On one hand, he was a really good guy and I was sort of intrigued by him, but on the other, there were things that bothered me, I didn't really like him (at that point), and wasn't really sure I wanted to continue. Confident and forward as he was, I remember him asking me towards the end of our third date, "What's up? How are you feeling about this? Do you want to go out again?" He followed that up by saying that he felt like he was getting mixed messages from me, so he had to ask what was going on in my head.
Although I felt put on the spot, I appreciated his open communication. That conversation actually fueled our relationship, the fact that we had this really candid and honest dialogue. I recall answering his question with something to the tune of, "You're right, you're getting mixed messages, because I'm having mixed feelings." Because he asked, I was able to explain that I wanted to follow down the potential that I saw, but I was withholding, because I wasn't really sure where or if things could go and didn't want to lead him on. He reassured me that he's a big boy and could take whatever comes, and he just asked that we talk about what was going on. And so, off we set into the sunset...until our sun set. (Little does he know that this is sort of the model that I now like to base my dating communication on.)
It really all comes down to the communication thing. If you're at the point that you're on a date, ie. meeting a potential marriage partner, you're two adults trying to establish a relationship. You can hide behind whatever guise you'd like, be it using the shadchan as your buffer and/or to do your dirty work, (phony) flattery and flirtation that keeps things from getting real, or simply just not being genuine with the person you're seeing. Yet, this only goes so far until it blows up in your face, or more likely, the face of the person you're dating. Again, you're dealing with a person, not a name on a paper. Yes, people get hurt in situations like these, but you have the power to make the hurt less. Therein lies the difference between hurting and wronging someone. There's a way to do this properly.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Of the Flaws in Our Shidduch System: Having to Rely on Others to Set Us Up
These are the things that make shidduch dating hard. Swimming in the waters of shidduchim, it feels like we're at the mercy of others to send us life rafts. Sometimes we go for a raft because someone totally misrepresents it. We try to make it float because we really want it to, but often that's genuinely just impossible. Sometimes we hang onto a raft because we're curious about truly how bad could it be? Sometimes a raft looks harmless on the outside but we slowly learn that it will make us drown.
Because of the way gender is segregated in most frum circles (and I'm not contesting whether this should or shouldn't be the case), it's very difficult for singles to meet on their own, or even to meet through mutual friends. Perhaps there are similar problems even outside of gender segregated communities, and maybe that has to do with the imbalanced numbers game, I don't know. However, the fact that within this system we must often rely on strangers and other random acquaintances causes various different issues.
Because people will set up random people they just met, or others they have never met at all, this often sparks dreadful situations. Setting up a skirt and pants when you have never met either is a bad bad idea. People are complex and there are so many factors that need to compliment each other that even when you know both people well, it's hard to set them up successfully. As a personal example, my worst dates have been with guys in which the person setting us up had not met the guy or me or both. There's just a feel you get for someone when you meet him in person and spend some time with him/her. If you think that someone you heard of us might be a good idea for someone you know, I would suggest that if at all feasible, get to know this other person better before wasting your friend/cousin/niece/etc's time.
Additionally, I think the way our system works breeds desperation for girls. Many of my friends will continue dating someone, agonizing over each date when they should have "said no" long ago, because they don't know when they will get set up again if they end the current shidduch. They feel like they have no control over meeting someone new.
People often feel like they're m'shubed to shadchanim, or shadchanim feel like singles should be m'shubed to them. Shadchanim can then go and start charging money for each date they set up. I'm not disputing the fact that a lot of time and work is put into setting a couple up, and people want to be paid for their time, but please, don't take advantage of singles' fear, vulnerability, and desperation. (As a side note, it is important for singles to give hakaras hatov to someone who set them up, but that's outside the realm of this post.)
On a slightly tangential note, when you hire a realtor to find you a house, they do a lot of work for you. At the end of the day, they may not be your shaliach, and you may find a house via other means. When that is the case, your realtor doesn't get paid a penny! It's part of the business. If people can't afford to work on shidduchim without getting paid for their time, they're in the wrong business. Do it as a chessed, or maybe don't do it at all.
Singles travel, sometimes far distances, to meet shadchanim, sometimes paying them money for the meeting, and rarely do they hear back. They often don't get a response to reach-outs. This, of course, isn't always the case, but shadchanim are inundated on a daily basis and are super busy. I'm not sure if they don't answer emails, texts, phone calls, and voice mails because they're so busy, or they just can't be bothered. This in turn makes singles feel helpless and sometimes even worthless.
In a world that's getting smaller and smaller, living within a community that's fairly connected, is there no better way to do this?
Because of the way gender is segregated in most frum circles (and I'm not contesting whether this should or shouldn't be the case), it's very difficult for singles to meet on their own, or even to meet through mutual friends. Perhaps there are similar problems even outside of gender segregated communities, and maybe that has to do with the imbalanced numbers game, I don't know. However, the fact that within this system we must often rely on strangers and other random acquaintances causes various different issues.
Because people will set up random people they just met, or others they have never met at all, this often sparks dreadful situations. Setting up a skirt and pants when you have never met either is a bad bad idea. People are complex and there are so many factors that need to compliment each other that even when you know both people well, it's hard to set them up successfully. As a personal example, my worst dates have been with guys in which the person setting us up had not met the guy or me or both. There's just a feel you get for someone when you meet him in person and spend some time with him/her. If you think that someone you heard of us might be a good idea for someone you know, I would suggest that if at all feasible, get to know this other person better before wasting your friend/cousin/niece/etc's time.
Additionally, I think the way our system works breeds desperation for girls. Many of my friends will continue dating someone, agonizing over each date when they should have "said no" long ago, because they don't know when they will get set up again if they end the current shidduch. They feel like they have no control over meeting someone new.
People often feel like they're m'shubed to shadchanim, or shadchanim feel like singles should be m'shubed to them. Shadchanim can then go and start charging money for each date they set up. I'm not disputing the fact that a lot of time and work is put into setting a couple up, and people want to be paid for their time, but please, don't take advantage of singles' fear, vulnerability, and desperation. (As a side note, it is important for singles to give hakaras hatov to someone who set them up, but that's outside the realm of this post.)
On a slightly tangential note, when you hire a realtor to find you a house, they do a lot of work for you. At the end of the day, they may not be your shaliach, and you may find a house via other means. When that is the case, your realtor doesn't get paid a penny! It's part of the business. If people can't afford to work on shidduchim without getting paid for their time, they're in the wrong business. Do it as a chessed, or maybe don't do it at all.
Singles travel, sometimes far distances, to meet shadchanim, sometimes paying them money for the meeting, and rarely do they hear back. They often don't get a response to reach-outs. This, of course, isn't always the case, but shadchanim are inundated on a daily basis and are super busy. I'm not sure if they don't answer emails, texts, phone calls, and voice mails because they're so busy, or they just can't be bothered. This in turn makes singles feel helpless and sometimes even worthless.
In a world that's getting smaller and smaller, living within a community that's fairly connected, is there no better way to do this?
Sunday, January 1, 2017
What I Learned in 2016
When the numbers turn on the calendar, it makes me a little nostalgic –– not that much, but a little –– enough to make me reflect on the year. What happened in 2016? I learned a lot, even if if I spent a better part of the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 tied up dating one disappointment (and I'll admit, that's the nicer version of how I might have described him).
A big thing that I gained this year from all my dating experiences is the recognition that nothing is permanent. Not good things, not bad things, not pain, and not glory. Things happen and life moves on. There are ups and there are downs, and we get through them all somehow. It's humbling and sobering to recognize this. It teaches you to hold onto the good times and hang in there during the challenging ones. What good you may have today might be gone tomorrow. In the same way, the hard times will fade too.
I also learned that despite always saying that I want to date my husband for a long time before getting engaged, I don't really want to date anyone for an extended period of time. Sure, I want to know him before we get engaged, but if things aren't complicated, and I really hope they won't be, then I don't need to date for that long. If things work, they can just work. If they don't, they won't. I've had enough of dancing around an early relationship and pretending. I'm in this for one purpose: it's marriage or bust. Granted, you need a few dates to see if you "click," but past that I want to get to know someone and see if it works marriage/values-wise. I don't have the patience to make small talk and discuss nothing for six, seven dates.
This year I've grasped too that a solid "working guy" can be so much better quality than a "learning guy." I have the utmost respect for the guy that goes to school/goes out to work and keeps his learning seder every day and his hashkafos intact. I used to say that I wanted a learning guy, and dating someone who was working was a b'deieved. Now, l'hefech. I want the guy who is the real deal, the fellow that goes to minyan before work every day and keeps his learning seder after work. I think that's so much more praiseworthy.
I saw too how important it is to trust your gut. In the scenario mentioned above, in which the guy I dated for awhile took me for a ride, I believe he ignored his instinct, which told him that it wasn't a shidduch, the whole time he was dating me. He ignored it for who knows what reason––he liked me, he thought I was pretty, he was having fun, whatever, and when push came to shove, he just couldn't seal the deal. He should have listened to his intuition from the beginning. In another situation, I went out with a guy, who, in so many ways we were similar, and I'm pretty certain the "like" was mutual, but based on something he perceived, his gut told him it wouldn't work marriage-wise, and he ended it. Good for him for not dragging it out. We have intuition for a reason, listen to it!
I learned so much about myself this year too. As much as a lot of you dislike Myers-Briggs, and/or don't think you fit into a type so it's not helpful, I like it, because I'm a pretty distinct type. Becoming more familiar with personality typing has helped me to understand why I do certain things and how I see the world. It's assisted me to understand how other people perceive the world around them and why I clash with some people so hard. It's aided me to realize why I love so hard and why I don't do anything halfway, why I have a great need to connect to others, to give and to nurture.
Reflecting on 2016 makes me realize that as the years stack up and I gain more life experience, I have a lot to show for it. I'm developing myself as a person. Each year, month, day, I learn a little bit more about me and life. Each experience brings a new perspective. So much to gain...
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Singing Some Songs
Below, shidduch song parodies in honor of Littlest Jellybean's birthday, shared here for your amusement. Please note, some PJs involved, and birthday party festivities add to the entertainment value.
TTO: You’re a Grand Old Flag
It’s a brand new batch
You’re a high flying catch
Forever a piece you’ll remain
You’re a jellybean of
The LLC we love
That keeps us from going insane
As the years go by
And the suggestions are dry
We can’t wait ’til it’s all in the bag
Let all the dating be forgot
Keep your eye on that pink ol’ flag
___
TTO: Benny Friedman’s Fulfill Your Tefillah
Hey my friends listen up
I know these times are really tough
We’ve had our fair share amount of pain
But dear friends don’t give up
The finish line is mamash utt
Get your bottle ready of champagne
Hey there friends listen here
I know you’ve waited year by year
Don’t ever think your tefillos are in vain
For my friends it is clear your shidduch is very near
For a bas kol called out his name
CHORUS (2x)
It is getting clearer clearer
He’s coming nearer nearer
You can be sure
He’ll be knocking at your door
So let your heart cry
Your prayers will bring the guy
We know for sure
Cuz that’s what we are waiting for
And dear friends we all know
It happens to all of us
Our friends get married one by one
But our dates they come, they go
We’re still here left to show
The right one will come we know
So my friends when you’re alone
Know you’re loved, not on your own
As sisters we feel you, hear your cry
For kol yisroel areivim and kol yisroel chaveirim
We’ll be with you ’til all your tears are dry
CHORUS - 1x
You will acquire
All you desire
All you require
So pray, so pray with fire
So listen friends
We’ll make the tekufah end
If we pray from our soul
Hashem is bound to hear our kol
CHORUS - 2x
____
TTO: Frozen’s Do You Want To Build A Snowman
Do you want to find a husband?
Come on you have to date
No more you swore
He’s at your door
It's not like you to run away...
You used to be elated
And now you’re not
I wish we could find your guy!
Do you find a husband?
It doesn't have to be a shidduch
<<Go away>>
Okay, bye...
Do you want to find a husband?
Or just stew in all the pain
I think some dating is overdue
You might start talking to
the guys that are insane
(Hang in there, friend!)
It gets a little lonely
All these empty dreams
Just watching the hours tick by
(Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock, Tic-Tock)
Please, I know you're out there
I’m wondering where you’ve gone
They say "have courage," and I'm trying to
I'm waiting (for) you, just c’mon!
We will have each other
Just you and me
What am I gonna do?
I want to find my husband
Where are you?
____
TTO: Newsies’ Seize the Day
Open your door and face your date
Don't be afraid of what’s your fate
Nothing can break you
No one can make you
Give your dreams away
Arise and face your date
Now is the time to give it your all
You’ve checked him out and made all the calls
Yes you may be jaded
Excitement all faded
But please just go on the date
Friend you’ll be friendless, go on the date
Give up the doubt and don’t you wait
Talk to the shadchan
Although it is not fun
Face him, go on the date
It could be a neighbor
It could be his son
One or all, it only takes one
Open your door and face your date
Don't be afraid of what’s your fate
Don't run away, don't abdicate
Don't run away and don't abdicate
Nothing can break you
No one can make you
Give your dreams away
Don’t you belabor
It’s only begun
Just one date, he may be the one!
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Being Single vs. Not Being Married
Not being married comes along with various different challenges, such as loneliness/the feeling of lacking close connection with a special someone, feeling stuck, not fitting in/belonging, etc. However, "being single" I almost want to say is a culture or lifestyle, it's so much bigger than just not being married. There are so many ways in which it interrupts your life that it almost becomes your way of life. It's about making "shidduchim" a priority, so you can never really plan other things.
Take this past weekend for instance. I was invited to attend a dating event, and I decided to go for whatever reasons. Jellybeans and all that. The catch is that this event was taking place a few hours away traveling distance. To make it worth the trip, I made plans to do other fun activities with friends while I was there. Friday morning, the event coordinator messaged me saying that in the end she's moving the event to another day. I couldn't back out on my friends, plus I spent about $100 on a show ticket, so I pretty much had to keep to the schedule. Meanwhile, the shadchan in charge of the event felt bad that she hadn't given me more advanced notice, and she decided she was going to "make it up to me." She set me up with a guy that could tell probably wasn't going to be for me. Long story short, I got convinced into going out with him "just for coffee." My friend I was traveling back with had a date, and he could only get to her around 8:00 or 8:30 pm. As not to get frustrated that we were going to leave to go home so late (with work looming bright and early Monday morning), I decided I mind as well go out with the guy-that-I-was-pretty-sure-wasn't-for-me. It was a total bomb, as predicted, and in the end my friend's date cancelled on her. (That's a whole other story of dysfunction.) We could have left much much earlier to get home. Honestly, what sort of comedy of errors would ever occur like this in a married person's life?
There is so much that comes along with being single; it isn't just the not having a spouse, a family, aspect. There's a stigma against anyone that hasn't followed the conveyor belt Judaism path –– people trying to make sense of what this means, should they pity the older single, is there something wrong with him/her, etc. There's the not fitting in in frum society element. There's the always having to make shidduchim a priority at the detriment to the rest of your life (because isn't getting married a priority!?). I'm sure there are so many others, too, that I haven't outlined.
I guess every challenge has its side effects that compound the struggle. Being single is by no means the hardest affliction out there (pain is relative and you cannot measure or compare it), but it seems like it sure interrupts life.
Take this past weekend for instance. I was invited to attend a dating event, and I decided to go for whatever reasons. Jellybeans and all that. The catch is that this event was taking place a few hours away traveling distance. To make it worth the trip, I made plans to do other fun activities with friends while I was there. Friday morning, the event coordinator messaged me saying that in the end she's moving the event to another day. I couldn't back out on my friends, plus I spent about $100 on a show ticket, so I pretty much had to keep to the schedule. Meanwhile, the shadchan in charge of the event felt bad that she hadn't given me more advanced notice, and she decided she was going to "make it up to me." She set me up with a guy that could tell probably wasn't going to be for me. Long story short, I got convinced into going out with him "just for coffee." My friend I was traveling back with had a date, and he could only get to her around 8:00 or 8:30 pm. As not to get frustrated that we were going to leave to go home so late (with work looming bright and early Monday morning), I decided I mind as well go out with the guy-that-I-was-pretty-sure-wasn't-for-me. It was a total bomb, as predicted, and in the end my friend's date cancelled on her. (That's a whole other story of dysfunction.) We could have left much much earlier to get home. Honestly, what sort of comedy of errors would ever occur like this in a married person's life?
There is so much that comes along with being single; it isn't just the not having a spouse, a family, aspect. There's a stigma against anyone that hasn't followed the conveyor belt Judaism path –– people trying to make sense of what this means, should they pity the older single, is there something wrong with him/her, etc. There's the not fitting in in frum society element. There's the always having to make shidduchim a priority at the detriment to the rest of your life (because isn't getting married a priority!?). I'm sure there are so many others, too, that I haven't outlined.
I guess every challenge has its side effects that compound the struggle. Being single is by no means the hardest affliction out there (pain is relative and you cannot measure or compare it), but it seems like it sure interrupts life.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Turbulence
We enjoyed relatively smooth sailing, but we're a normal family, so we rode the waves a bit, all under normal circumstances like parent-teenage clashes over friendships and small sibling rivalries under the guise of "whose turn is it to...," and the like. It wasn't until I got on this roller coaster of a ride called shidduchim that all this turbulence began.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated with my family before this tekufah. Granted, I think it's difficult to be an adult child under your parents' roof no matter what the circumstances, especially when you're not married. Because I'm unattached I feel like I'm often still treated like a child. My parents don't tell my married brother, two years my junior, how to live his life...
I get it that my siblings are feeling a little powerless and desperate and are trying to be creative to get me married, and I know they mean well, but I could just scream. The latest and greatest comes from the one who has a chavrusa who has a brother. Always the chavrusa's brother. The way this one was presented though was, "He grew up in the UK. He's in school in the UK. He has never left the UK. He wants to live in the UK. Is that a deal breaker for you?"
So, this is one of my pet peeves. You can't tell me one detail about someone and ask me if I want to marry him. It's like saying, "Want some cake? It has flour in it." What other ingredients does it have? How can I make a decision based on one detail?
"I don't know anything else, but I just want to know if that's a deal breaker before I start working on it."
That's not fair. It doesn't make sense practically, because I live and work here. I can't quit my job to go to England to date someone, even if I felt like he could be in the ballpark. If you don't grow up with shared backgrounds, culturally and hashkafically you're probably light years apart. I have zero information to tell you whether it would be worth my while to even entertain the idea. Even so, I'm made to look like the inflexible one here.
Why in the world do you think it's an idea in the first place if you don't know anything about him; is it because he's "a little older?" You don't have to hustle that much.
Then there are the parental units. Of course they only have my good in mind, but while they're usually really good about giving me space, they sometimes forget that I'm an adult and that I need to make my own decisions and mistakes.
The constant debate is about "looking into" names. While they think you need to do as much research as you possibly can (you can't really be sure that what people say about someone is what you think they're saying anyway, so what's the point), I feel like it's a big waste of time. Yes, I want to know something about the person I might date, enough to know if it's shyuch at all, but often I can tell if it's worthwhile from date one. All those phone calls and stress because we can't find someone who can actually talk to this point about him or that, are totally superfluous.
They get upset when I "give a yes," without discussing it with them. I try not to do that, but I can't always wait for the investigation team to complete its operations. I don't feel it's right to make someone wait so long for an answer, especially if I'm going to end up saying "thanks but no thanks."
The problem then is that no good can come from going behind their back, because I respect them too much. If I then tell them that I'm doing x,y,z, we end up fighting about it. It's a catch-22.
Before this parsha, we didn't argue like this. I hate how this has made everyone so emotional and desperate.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated with my family before this tekufah. Granted, I think it's difficult to be an adult child under your parents' roof no matter what the circumstances, especially when you're not married. Because I'm unattached I feel like I'm often still treated like a child. My parents don't tell my married brother, two years my junior, how to live his life...
I get it that my siblings are feeling a little powerless and desperate and are trying to be creative to get me married, and I know they mean well, but I could just scream. The latest and greatest comes from the one who has a chavrusa who has a brother. Always the chavrusa's brother. The way this one was presented though was, "He grew up in the UK. He's in school in the UK. He has never left the UK. He wants to live in the UK. Is that a deal breaker for you?"
So, this is one of my pet peeves. You can't tell me one detail about someone and ask me if I want to marry him. It's like saying, "Want some cake? It has flour in it." What other ingredients does it have? How can I make a decision based on one detail?
"I don't know anything else, but I just want to know if that's a deal breaker before I start working on it."
That's not fair. It doesn't make sense practically, because I live and work here. I can't quit my job to go to England to date someone, even if I felt like he could be in the ballpark. If you don't grow up with shared backgrounds, culturally and hashkafically you're probably light years apart. I have zero information to tell you whether it would be worth my while to even entertain the idea. Even so, I'm made to look like the inflexible one here.
Why in the world do you think it's an idea in the first place if you don't know anything about him; is it because he's "a little older?" You don't have to hustle that much.
Then there are the parental units. Of course they only have my good in mind, but while they're usually really good about giving me space, they sometimes forget that I'm an adult and that I need to make my own decisions and mistakes.
The constant debate is about "looking into" names. While they think you need to do as much research as you possibly can (you can't really be sure that what people say about someone is what you think they're saying anyway, so what's the point), I feel like it's a big waste of time. Yes, I want to know something about the person I might date, enough to know if it's shyuch at all, but often I can tell if it's worthwhile from date one. All those phone calls and stress because we can't find someone who can actually talk to this point about him or that, are totally superfluous.
They get upset when I "give a yes," without discussing it with them. I try not to do that, but I can't always wait for the investigation team to complete its operations. I don't feel it's right to make someone wait so long for an answer, especially if I'm going to end up saying "thanks but no thanks."
The problem then is that no good can come from going behind their back, because I respect them too much. If I then tell them that I'm doing x,y,z, we end up fighting about it. It's a catch-22.
Before this parsha, we didn't argue like this. I hate how this has made everyone so emotional and desperate.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Smart Ways to Date
If you've been dating for awhile, you probably know what does and doesn't work for you in negotiating a relationship. Hopefully you know how to successfully navigate the playing field, or maybe you don't, and perhaps these insights will come in handy.
As always, I'm going to start with a caveat: no one thing works for everyone. You have to know yourself, and obviously differently people operate differently. Here are just a few random tips that I've picked up along the way.
▶︎ I've seen it where people get so paralyzed by "I'm not sure if I really like this person! Maybe I should stop dating him/her." Perhaps because of the desperation factor for many, they may keep dating someone they should have let go a long time ago. On the flip side, people may break up too quickly, because there is something superficial that is bothering them.
As always, I'm going to start with a caveat: no one thing works for everyone. You have to know yourself, and obviously differently people operate differently. Here are just a few random tips that I've picked up along the way.
▶︎ I've seen it where people get so paralyzed by "I'm not sure if I really like this person! Maybe I should stop dating him/her." Perhaps because of the desperation factor for many, they may keep dating someone they should have let go a long time ago. On the flip side, people may break up too quickly, because there is something superficial that is bothering them.
There is no timeline. Dating someone is not commitment to marriage. The only commitment in saying "yes" to go out again is the commitment of one more date. Instead of dating with the mindset of "Do I want to marry this person?" In the beginning, try working with, "Do I want to spend more time with this person?" If the idea of sharing another couple hours with your date is appealing, go for it. If it isn't, you need to ask yourself very seriously why not and if you should still be going out.
▶︎ Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, and let the other person know what you're thinking. It's always a positive practice to communicate effectively. Shidduch dating can be stressful, especially when there's a third party go-between that is micromanaging the relationship. Being open and honest with each other is extremely important toward building a healthy relationship. If you have an issue with something that happened or something that is going on, talk about it. Keep things simple; say what you feel, and don't beat around the bush. (And IMHO here, things work a lot better when you communicate directly to set up dates. You're both adults; you can handle it.)
▶︎ Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, and let the other person know what you're thinking. It's always a positive practice to communicate effectively. Shidduch dating can be stressful, especially when there's a third party go-between that is micromanaging the relationship. Being open and honest with each other is extremely important toward building a healthy relationship. If you have an issue with something that happened or something that is going on, talk about it. Keep things simple; say what you feel, and don't beat around the bush. (And IMHO here, things work a lot better when you communicate directly to set up dates. You're both adults; you can handle it.)
▶︎ Don't assume people will change. What you see is what you get. Your date is not your project; you cannot, and should not, try to fix, change, or domesticate someone. Every person needs to be individually responsible for treating the other right, being accountable, committing, and staying connected. One of you can't carry the relationship alone. If you're uncomfortable with things each other do while you're dating, or your relationship dynamic, it's a red flag. These things don't change after you get married.
▶︎ Throw out your "list," and stop vetting your dates against what you are "looking for." That's fine to do while you are evaluating whether or not you want to go out with said individual, but once you're already dating him/her, stop trying to check off boxes. Does it feel right? Do you share the same values? The person you end up marrying may not match that picture you had in your head all your life, and that's okay! (Also, stop comparing him/her to other people you've dated. It's not helpful.)
▶︎ It's always a good idea when you're ending a relationship to define why. If you had a good run, even if you didn't date each other that long, but you got emotionally involved, try to talk things out and clarify what happened. It will help you later if you have thoughts about trying again. More on communication, clarity and closure another time.
▶︎ Pay attention to what people who have your best interests at heart are saying about who you are in the relationship you're in. It's always possible that some people won't "get" the person you're dating. If it's a personal preference type thing, feel free to ignore; however, that's totally different than people saying that they don't like who you've become, or they get bad vibes about the guy/girl. It's usually nearly impossible to be objective, so that feedback is important.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Let's Break It Down: Why Breakups Hurt So Much
Okay, yes, it's intuitive that a breakup will probably hurt. How long you dated someone, your feelings for this person, the intensity of the relationship, how much a part of your life your ex was, etc., all play a role in how much the breakup, and getting over this person, will hurt.
Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.
In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.
Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.
There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.
After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.
There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.
There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)
Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.
And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...
Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)
Being dumped or being the dumper will probably also play a role in how you may feel after a breakup. I explore this more here. Rejection has its own science as to why it hurts, and being on that end speaks to self-esteem consequences and one's belonging needs.
In my post, Solving For "S," I explore how creating a relationship (and being in a relationship) engenders various "feel good" chemicals. When you're in a long-term relationship your body develops a tolerance for these hormones and those feelings become your norm. When you dissolve that relationship, you are for all intents and purposes yanking those chemicals off your neural receptors. You go from a high to a low fairly quickly, and so a breakup can be compared to withdrawing from cocaine addiction.
Think about too how emotional pain isn't just emotional; it can become physical. Emotional pain piggybacks on the brain's physical pain pathways, and as I write about in my rejection post linked above, Dr. Guy Winch cites a study which supports this truth by suggesting that Tylenol can decrease emotional pain. Additionally, like any other stress, breakups cause a surge in adrenaline and cortisol, which causes increased blood pressure, nausea, accelerated heart rate, decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, and increased irritability.
There are probably several other fun facts (and factoids) regarding the science behind why breakups hurt so much, but as I do best, I'm going to put in my personal take here.
After various serious breakups I remember feeling so down that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Sometimes it can take awhile for me to feel back to myself, for me to feel clearheaded and stop thinking about the ex in question every second of every day, for me to get back to my day-to-day and move on with my life.
There is definitely a sense of loss that contributes to this feeling. A breakup is losing someone who played a big role in your life. Depending on the relationship, this loss can be more or less great. There is also the loss of the relationship and what that meant, whether that just means the concept of it or specific things about the relationship. Perhaps being in a relationship made you feel special, safe, taken care of, like everything else was a little bit more manageable with this person on your team, whatever. It's all gone.
There's the not being able to talk to this person too. It's especially hard when this was the person you shared everything with, the person that you called first when you wanted to share or talk about something, the person that maybe you texted throughout the day about every random thing that happened... (You could stay friends, sure, but this complicates things and doesn't let you get over each other. In this day and age it's so easy to digitally stalk someone and keep tabs on him/her, which also lends itself to not being able move on. In the sixth paragraph of this post I call upon Samara O'Shea's work to talk about how to apply your efforts to get over someone and stop the overanalyzing and cyberstalking.)
Questioning what could have been or if you made the right choice is also another aspect of why breakups are so hard. I've been known to ride relationships all the way to the end in attempts to give them a fair shot, get clarity and closure. When I cut and run too early in attempts to not get in over my head (or really heart), I'm left with so many "what ifs." I obviously have reasons for calling it quits and following a gut feeling that it won't work in the long run, but in those cases it's probably a given that I'm going to give it another run, if the other person wants to as well, sometime in the future, and go around again... Who knows, perhaps some future permutation of this might actually bear fruit and there will be a reason why I'll have tortured myself like this.
And then there's the feeling/being single again after a breakup. Going back onto the battlefield, back into battle. Dealing with shadchanim and people throwing names at you. Having to look into people and deciding why yes to date them. Networking. Going on awkward first dates. Having to try to build new relationships. All that fun stuff...
Uggh, breaking down, having to start from scratch... (shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch)
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
9.5 on the Richter Scale
There are many different "systems" that people use to assess the potential of a relationship and/or the attractivity or "click" with their date. Some people swear by their method, while others just sort of play it by ear and base their dating on how they feel as they go along, or what boxes they can check off.
One person told me that his way is to give each of his dates a number on a scale of 1-5. "Ones" are basically the one-and-dones, the people that there is no merit in seeing it past date one. A "Five" would be someone who this person fell for shortly after meeting and would marry in a heartbeat. The way the person explained it is that the number someone might be assigned after a first date usually doesn't change, but sometimes it does. "Twos" usually get a second or third date, and "Threes" generally get about three dates. A "Four" is someone who might actually be marriage material along with a "Five."
Another person outlined his theory in that he thinks that each person has a certain shidduch value and that everyone will end up marrying someone within a 5-10 point range of their own number (out of 100). People get points for different things, and obviously each person assigns their points differently. While I might think that someone gets 30 points (as an example) for being a learning guy, someone else would subtract 40 points for the fact that he's learning and not working. Everyone also spends their points differently. So, if someone uses a good portion of his/her points on looks, he may have to compromise on smarts or middos.
There's the common "Three Strikes and You're Out" method too. Although, generally people are more generous with their outs allotment. Perhaps there are certain semi deal breakers that presented separately may not be a large issue, but taken all together are too much for the person to handle.
Honestly, all these techniques seem sort of rigid and demeaning to me, especially when people get assigned a value. I get it that some people need things to be concrete, but I like to go with the good ole "Does this feel right? Do we have the same values? Do I enjoy spending time with this person? Does he treat me right? Do I like who I am with him?"
Why must we over-intellectualize everything?
One person told me that his way is to give each of his dates a number on a scale of 1-5. "Ones" are basically the one-and-dones, the people that there is no merit in seeing it past date one. A "Five" would be someone who this person fell for shortly after meeting and would marry in a heartbeat. The way the person explained it is that the number someone might be assigned after a first date usually doesn't change, but sometimes it does. "Twos" usually get a second or third date, and "Threes" generally get about three dates. A "Four" is someone who might actually be marriage material along with a "Five."
Another person outlined his theory in that he thinks that each person has a certain shidduch value and that everyone will end up marrying someone within a 5-10 point range of their own number (out of 100). People get points for different things, and obviously each person assigns their points differently. While I might think that someone gets 30 points (as an example) for being a learning guy, someone else would subtract 40 points for the fact that he's learning and not working. Everyone also spends their points differently. So, if someone uses a good portion of his/her points on looks, he may have to compromise on smarts or middos.
There's the common "Three Strikes and You're Out" method too. Although, generally people are more generous with their outs allotment. Perhaps there are certain semi deal breakers that presented separately may not be a large issue, but taken all together are too much for the person to handle.
Honestly, all these techniques seem sort of rigid and demeaning to me, especially when people get assigned a value. I get it that some people need things to be concrete, but I like to go with the good ole "Does this feel right? Do we have the same values? Do I enjoy spending time with this person? Does he treat me right? Do I like who I am with him?"
Why must we over-intellectualize everything?
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Shidduch Reid: The Talk Demystified Part One
Sometimes the terms we use, while to those "in the parsha" (see below), they make perfect sense, they cause others to scratch their heads trying to understand their meaning. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but a small compilation.
"In the parsha/on the market" –– This is someone on a (sometimes exhausting) journey to find their soulmate using the shidduch system.
"The system" –– This refers to the formalized process of finding one's spouse through a set of designated protocol generally used by Orthodox young men and woman.
"Shidduch resume or profile" –– This not to be confused with a Tinder or Bumble profile. It is a brief written summary of a guy or girl navigating the shidduch market given to potential suitors to help them in assessing one's relevance. Its form and content may vary.
"The shidduch crisis" –– This "crisis" is the panic people feel thinking about how "the system" might fail them, and they'll be still single at age 22. Some people attribute the failings of the system to the age gap or education gap between eligible fellows and ladies in the parsha.
"Redt" –– This popular verbiage means suggesting a shidduch idea (a guy or gal's name as a potential match) to a party.
"Looking into/do research" –– Refers to the arduous process of finding out information, relevant and non-relevant, about a potential match. May include calling friends, teachers, relatives, or even employers. Fingerprinting, background checks, and even Apgar scores are fair game to help determine eligibility.
"Gave a yes" –– After the investigation is completed and relevance is determined, this means someone has agreed to go out with the potential suitor.
"Got a yes" –– This means someone has agreed to go out with you.
"In the freezer" –– This refers to a guy who is currently not yet actively on the market because his yeshiva does not allow him to date until he has learned by them for a set amount of time. He may, however, have a long list of suitors waiting for him to complete his sentence.
"Long/short term learner" –– A long-term learner means the bachur is sitting and learning in yeshiva without a predetermined end date. In most cases this means his wife or wife's family (or his own) will support him financially for an undetermined amount of time. A short-term learner means the bachur does not plan on staying in learning long-term. He may or may not "have a plan."
"Someone with a plan" –– This refers to someone (generally a guy) who will take responsibility for parnossa. Perhaps he has less emuna than the "learner," and believes he must get his hands dirty to support his family.
To be continued...
"In the parsha/on the market" –– This is someone on a (sometimes exhausting) journey to find their soulmate using the shidduch system.
"The system" –– This refers to the formalized process of finding one's spouse through a set of designated protocol generally used by Orthodox young men and woman.
"Shidduch resume or profile" –– This not to be confused with a Tinder or Bumble profile. It is a brief written summary of a guy or girl navigating the shidduch market given to potential suitors to help them in assessing one's relevance. Its form and content may vary.
"The shidduch crisis" –– This "crisis" is the panic people feel thinking about how "the system" might fail them, and they'll be still single at age 22. Some people attribute the failings of the system to the age gap or education gap between eligible fellows and ladies in the parsha.
"Redt" –– This popular verbiage means suggesting a shidduch idea (a guy or gal's name as a potential match) to a party.
"Looking into/do research" –– Refers to the arduous process of finding out information, relevant and non-relevant, about a potential match. May include calling friends, teachers, relatives, or even employers. Fingerprinting, background checks, and even Apgar scores are fair game to help determine eligibility.
"Gave a yes" –– After the investigation is completed and relevance is determined, this means someone has agreed to go out with the potential suitor.
"Got a yes" –– This means someone has agreed to go out with you.
"In the freezer" –– This refers to a guy who is currently not yet actively on the market because his yeshiva does not allow him to date until he has learned by them for a set amount of time. He may, however, have a long list of suitors waiting for him to complete his sentence.
"Long/short term learner" –– A long-term learner means the bachur is sitting and learning in yeshiva without a predetermined end date. In most cases this means his wife or wife's family (or his own) will support him financially for an undetermined amount of time. A short-term learner means the bachur does not plan on staying in learning long-term. He may or may not "have a plan."
"Someone with a plan" –– This refers to someone (generally a guy) who will take responsibility for parnossa. Perhaps he has less emuna than the "learner," and believes he must get his hands dirty to support his family.
To be continued...
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Is It Okay To Lie About Age?
How much does age really matter?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
I have, for a long time, talked about what would happen if you met someone organically and didn't know how old s/he was? Age doesn't really define someone; it doesn't really say very much about someone. You might get along very well with this person whom you might never had agreed to go out with because of your age difference. So, what does age really count for?
Sure, to some, people "devalue" within this system with age. Some people want to date/marry younger girls (and guys too actually). Perhaps it's about, on the higher end of "older," how people get jaded and/or bitter (and there are those stereotypes about guys that haven't gotten married by a certain age that I'm not going to touch...at least not here).
Age can also be about age differences and being able to relate to one another. A few years ago someone redt me a guy that was almost a decade older than me. I was young; he was considered an "older single" at that point. I didn't want to go out with him. He pursued me for six months, so I ended up dating him. It was one date; we couldn't find anything in common to talk about. His parents were my grandparents age. Huge generation gap there.
I prefer to date guys within a 3 year age range of my age either direction, but I would not say no based on age alone, unless it's a very significant difference. Numbers are arbitrary here, but I usually say 7 years (older than me that is...younger would be a significantly less amount I think). I'm not super comfortable with 7 years older on paper, but I recently dated someone 7 years my senior and didn't feel the age difference at all. His circumstances weren't typical though, so that could have contributed to it.
I had a weird experience not long ago in which someone redt me a guy she first told me was 33. As I was talking to people about him they were saying he's 34/35. I spoke to someone who went to yeshiva with him some years back, and he told me they were the same age –– 37. I spoke to his friend, a reference on the resume, he told me he was 37. Someone was confused or lying about his age.
When I spoke to the shadchan she tried to tell me that people get a heter to lie about their age. Then she went back to the guy's sister who said that they're not lying and he's really 34 turning 35. To this day I still don't know what to believe. Why would a reference on a resume say a 34 year old guy is 37? How could he not know how old he is, especially if he's a reference?
The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's about the age, but it's also about the lying. When does it ever become okay to lie about age? Where does that get you anyway? Can you start a relationship based on lies?
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