Momentum

Especially within Petri dish shidduchim, momentum is super important. Dating in a controlled system, when 'this' is "supposed to" happen at this time, you're "supposed to" be up to 'x' at that point, etc., there needs to be something that is keeping the relationship going. While the situation is already a bit forced and unnatural, too much time between dates and/or contact causes the couple to lose whatever comfortability and familiarity they have.

A second date is best when it closely follows a first date, and waiting more than a few days to a week before a couple sees each other again can set them back, almost as if they have to start all over again. That second date can be even worse than a first date, because it isn't a first date, so there isn't an excuse for the awkward "I'm meeting you for the first time and trying to figure out (how to navigate) our dynamic." Yet, you don't either really know the person, and you may have lost whatever familiarity you gained by the first meeting.

I was once dating someone, and for whatever reason, perhaps a sibling's wedding and sheva brachos, or maybe he got sick, we had a space of almost two weeks between our first and second date. The first half of that second date was preettty awkward. It wasn't a first date, so we were already acquainted and had covered the basic small talk, but we'd lost the small amount of ease we'd gained after our first meeting. We ended up doing the small talk again, trying desperately to break out of the floundering. I think we actually managed to do that about halfway through, and I ended up dating him two more times after that. I wonder if things would have been different had we not had that much lag-time.

In reality, momentum is crucial at every stage of the game. Each phase has its own challenges, but I think the beginning is the hardest to navigate. It's the awkward non-relationship stage where you're neither here nor there, and communication is stilted. I think some people believe shidduch dating is a bubble, and they fail to recognize that it isn't an excuse to treat anyone in any way that you wouldn't outside of this system. So, while you may not have a "relationship" with the person you dated a few times, mentchlach communication is still required...but I digress.

Within our system there are these added hurdles, these awkward rules and protocol that may or may not be assumed or followed. Is the couple communicating directly? Is it okay to call/text? Can they call each other by (first) name or is that too intimate? Will he ask her out or is the shadchan setting up the dates? Etc, etc. Until a relationship (and these things) is established, the non-relationship is sort of precarious, and their momentum hopefully works to propel them to smoother, clearer waters.

I believe it was a situation in which for awhile we were only able to date on weekends, and so since I'd met the guy, we talked on the phone, a lot. I'm not sure that was the greatest solution to this momentum issue, because it brought with it it's own challenges, but it lent a sense of comfortability and familiarity (or maybe that was there naturally, and it was the reason we were able to have hour long phone conversations every night even early on in the relationship).

Momentum is the something to keep in mind when deciding how much time to allow between dates; it can probably make or break a shidduch. Obviously, we don't date in a vacuum, real life will always do a good job of getting in the way, so we just have to be creative and work around the obstacles that life presents.