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Friday, November 25, 2016

This is Why You're Not Married

No, we aren't all broken just because we're past the age of 23 and not married. However, there are things that can get in the way of happy engagement.

Perhaps you believe the myth that if a guy is "older" and not married (I think "they" mean 28+, but who can keep track of all the specifics involved with society's stereotypes?) it means he's just not ready to get married because at any given moment he has a list of girls at his ready, and girls are at the mercy of a guy deciding he wants to date her.

Commitment issues can be a real problem, and they don't just go away when the "right" one comes along. I've definitely been in the company of some young people who get so paralyzed by indecision that if they don't know what to do, they do nothing at all. Either they will keep dating until the other person gets fed up and breaks it off, or they will slowly sabotage it, because the thought of committing is too crippling.

Having a distinct picture in your head, and/or believing certain things are non-negotiable can also be impediments to marriage. Obviously there are specific things that are necessary in a good relationship, but sometimes people pick on stupid things and think that because the person doesn't match the exact depiction of who they pictured they would marry that this must not be their bashert.

Often overbearing and interfering moms can make things complicated too. Perhaps the parent believes her child needs one thing, but in reality that isn't the case. This can certainly hold the child back from finding his spouse, especially if the mother is vetting all his suggestions. Sometimes parents can meddle so much that the child himself/herself can't even make his/her own choices.

Middos is another reason why some people stay single. Yes, there are mean, lazy, manipulative people that get married young and amazing extraordinary people that are still single at 30. However, sometimes people are hindered by bad middos or psychological issues that they need to work out or improve before they can enter into a healthy relationship.

As much as it's obnoxious and irritating when people say that singles are just picky, sometimes it's the truth. Honestly, if someone wants to be picky, let him/her be picky. S/he's picking a life partner, not an ice cream flavor! But in all seriousness, sometimes singles are choosy about ridiculous things. They buy into stupid stereotypes or think they need a certain look or age for example. At the end of the day, I say meet the person first and see if it actually, in reality, bothers you.

So, we don't know why people aren't married. It's a gezeira perhaps, a nisayon. But, we also have bechira, and we can mess things up for ourselves. Some people just genuinely haven't met the right one, while others perchance have some work to do. It's not for anyone to judge.

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